Magoo's (tory's) story, corrected (sorrypart didn't copy)
Mistmagoo55
MAGOO'S BEGINNING TORTURED DAYS, AND
HER VERY PERSONAL WAR WITH THE CHURCH
THIS ONE IS VERY, VERY PERSONAL AND HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.
I AM WARNING YOU IT ISN'T NICE, AND IS REALLY ONLY WRITTEN FOR THOSE WHO WILL
NOT LATER SAY SNIDE THINGS TO ME.
IF YOU TEND TO FEEL COMPELLED TO WRITE NASTY THINGS, PLEASE HONOR ME THIS ONCE
AND MOVE ON. FOR THE REST, HERE IS THE WORST OF MY STORIES;
OK, many have asked about MY personal story. I have many, having been in the
Church for 30 years! But this one is the most tragic and I am really writing it
for any people IN the C of S who are struggling with similar physical
illnesses. It is very close to my heart, and I even hate to go into it, as I
have had 30 YEARS of being labeled and would like to shed this ….but I cannot
be silent, for those suffering as I write.
You not in this situation will see that as overdramatic, but I promise you it
is not. So please ………….well, if you can hold your often over critical
thoughts on this one.
I got in Scientology in 1969. In 1967 I had had a Grand Mal Seizure while
checking out a college, and after numbers of tests it was decided I had
Epilepsy, and I was given some very needed drugs (medicine) to control the
situation. At first I just had what I called "black outs" where my brain would
just stop. I told my mom, and she did her usual of "we will have to get that
checked out, hon". Then in Washington D.C I think I had the full Grand Mal
Seizure, which scared me nearly to death. I won't take time to describe these,
except I think really you do die, and then return. So I am very flat on death
now…and have talked with the angels quite intimately. This was all a big
secret while in Scientology………….as they do not believe in angels. But
when you die, and spend time with them (or at least I did) there is no
question. I haven't had any seizures in 20 years, and prior only when I tried
to get off of the medication I need.
Ok, so in 1971 I am at American Saint Hill (AHSO, same place Warrior was from
later)…and I decide to join the Sea Org. I am sent out on the Bolivar for
ship training, which is an entire other story. After I think 2 weeks, I return
back to land, ready to be a Sea Org member. But I am routed to the Medical
Liaison Officer (not a doctor I might add, just one of a long chain of Know-it
-all's), and ordered to get off of my medicine. I am told I cannot be in the
Sea Org while still on this medicine. This is the beginning of 30 YEARS or
being treated like a leper. So when you see me dancing, and none of you can
imagine why…………………I guarantee you CANNOT imagine what I am
talking about or the pain involved, on a daily basis, nor the freedom involved
to finally quit and end off on this FOREVER. You are damned right I am dancing!
OH!
( and please do not ask why I stayed…..I did have tremendous gains in the C
of S…but remember this is the down side).
I move out of the S.O> berthing, and rent a room with Mary Jessup (Nate
Jessup's ex-wife). To this day, to give you an idea of how bad this is in this
Church………….I can honestly count on my two hands the amount of people I
can talk to about this where I do not leave feeling like some horribly deformed
yuckie person. And that is all the way up to the OT 8's! Mary is one of those
people. She was kind, loving and had left the Church quietly way back then in
1971. She didn't have a care on earth about me taking medicine, unlike the
entire majority of people. So I began cutting one pill into 1/8th. And I spent
months in Scientology orgs having Grand Mal Seizures around people. I makes
me cry as I write this….even thinking I had to put up with this pain, not to
mention the degradation (Remember: Scientology is to Make the Able more Able. A
simple quote...but when you are on the floor having a grand mal seizure or are
being asked by people over and over, "Did you ever get a PTS rundown, TORy?"
you are not feeling like the top of the list of ABLE). That was gross!
Of all of the "beautiful people" staring at me. I understand seizures are hard
to take, I do. But puuuuuuuuuuullllleeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzze. These looks
were NOT called for.
When you come out of a Grand Mal Seizure (having died as I say) you return to
this planet quite unsure where you are. It is amazingly disorienting. I could
never remember ANYTHING……I could look at a human, but not know it was a
human. Thankfully there were a few people in the Church who were kind, and
these people I will always, always remember. Ken Dorsett, Ted Street, Vicki
Dries, Mary Jessup, Ann Snider, and my husband, Harold Bezazian, and later Bill
Yaude, Phyllis Burker, and Tom Braceland each knew ME.. They didn't give a
rats ass about this physical condition. They knew me, and that never wavered.
Some my say, bid deal. Well, when you are literally surrounded by people
staring at you in an odd way, or just looking at you with this look. I do not
know how to describe it, but it is something no man or woman should have to
endure…yes! It is a huge deal! To this day I thank each of you for grantring
me the dignity you did, when SO many others were so mean. I guess now I can see
why Andreas means so much to me, and you here at ARS who have been kind. There
is a great book called The Power OF One, and I highly recommend it! You just
never know when you are changing someone's life forever.
I used to carry a card in my wallet during these 2 years in the early 70's
that said:
:IF you find me and I have had a seizure, please tell me the following (no
joke)
1. I am on planet Earth
2. I am OK
3. My name is Tory
4. I am a Scientologist
5. Soon I will remember things that are important
Please just hold me and DO NOT CALL AN AMBULENCE!" (They are really scary in
this condition!)
Heavy….huh? It was truly a horrible time in my life! If I can help one person
not go through this torture, it is worth telling my story.
Ok…months go by, I have now had my front teeth knocked out, falling in the
shower having a seizure. Most seizures I had at Mary's or in the Scientology
org's, although I had a few on the street. It was HORRIBLE! My mother was
begging me to go back on my medicine as my memory was failing so badly, and my
father died in 1971….so she was truly at her wits end. (Can you imagine how
happy she is now that I left the Church??) I was literally dying in front of
people, and no one noticed!
Finally I had to make my own decision on this: I Am going back on my medicine,
even if the entire Sea Org thinks it is horrible (and they did back then).
Which is why I have said to you all…..this started a LONG time ago. I
literally had to build my own Bridge: Tory's Bridge! As long as I take my
medicine I have NO seizures. However, remember at this time in this Church
(which I later totally got corrected personally and for everyone, forever)….
taking medicine was looked on as totally gross. So I spent years and years and
years with people asking me about Epilepsy and what they felt I needed to
really handle this.
People suggested everything from auditing actions, to nutritional vits, etc.Of
course everyone's favorite was I was PTS. IF I never hear that word again, it
will be too soon! (and maybe now you see how I welcome being an SP! SHIT ! I
can FINALLY BE F'ing CAUSE OVED THIS! I AM THE SP! HAHAHAHAAHAH)
In the late 70's I was auditing at CC in the HGC. Debbie Mace asked me "When
are you going to go Clear? At the time I hadn't spotted I was from last
lifetime, (and HI Arthur Hubbard, if you see this! You helped me spot this, as
well as Bill, later) I told her really because of my body situation, it will
have to be next lifetime. She told me to write it up to Snr C/S FLAG, David
Mayo. OK, I did. What did Mr.Snr C/s of the world write back?
"Get your PTSness handled". I wrote him back and said "THAT"S F'ing IT???YOU
are the stupid senior Case supervisor ON THE PLANET and you say the same thing
ALL of these morons say here in LA???!" I was really, really pissed! He wrote
me a 3-page hand written letter saying that he said blah, not blah and Yes! I
did need to take my medicine, and he would back me up all the way at Flag, and
I could do up through OT 3! That was huge for me! ( Hi David, if you read this,
thank you for that!)
.As Hubbard says in Science of Survival that anyone with a chronic illness is
1.1 (covert hostility…the absolute worst tone or emotion one can
be)…………I felt for 30 years I was battling people thinking "is she 1.1?"
Now if you know me……..even reading what I post (not Magoo, but me) you KNOW
this girl ain't 1.1 uh uh. If something sucks, you can always count on me to
say so! That isn't 1.1….it isn't covert, it is overt. Again, to you reading
you probably do not get the significance of this…..but I AM FREE FROM F'ing
WORRYING IF PEOPLE THINK I AM 1.1 or ONE OF THE EVILEST PEOPLE AROUND!
(Ok…so Phil Scott thought Magoo was a big bad evil person, but to me that is
just plain cute. Magoo? COME ON!) But I am not worrying about you all, You are
different than Scientologists. So YES….I AM DANCIN DARLIN!
Roll forward a number of years, and now I have OT 4.5,6 and 7 paid for. I
arrive at the Flag Land Base here in Clearwater, Fl and begin my routing form.
I get to Ethics, and some crap ass Italian kid is there. He opens up my folder,
looks at it, and looks at me and says: "You are not allowed on the Flag Land
Base!" I know this drill….I have lived it for 20 years. Of course what am I
feeling? I am feeling like I would like to jump over the table and bash his
stupid snotty face onto the desk, but wanting to get the auditing….I did my
"Taxi Driver" routine: "You talking to ME???? I look around the room and say
this over and over. I tell him he HAS to have the wrong person. He finally gets
confused, and goes to get the D of P (Director of Processing.,..someone who can
possibly help here). She hears my story and puts it into the C/S. It comes
right out with a statement, from the C/S: ALL OF YOUR EARLIER "HANDLINGS" RE
EPILEPSY AND MEDICATION WERE SUPPRESSIVE. We are going to handle it all
correctly, and get you onto OT 4."
We do a bunch of "set up" auditing…and finally my auditor says "we are going
to sec check epilepsy". I set the cans over on his side and said "You and the
C/S can sec-check Epilepsy! I AM DONE!"( and to the non- Scios and critics,
that is a BIG DEAL. People almost NEVER, EVER SAY NO) I hadn't had any
seizures in 10 years except once when after OT 3 I had again tried to get off
of my medicine. Now the same girl who a few weeks ago (Mary Vogadine) told me
all my earlier handles on epilepsy were suppressive……….orders me to once
again get off of my medicine before I can do OT 4. I AM PISSED! So now she
tells me ALL of the C/S's on the Flag Land Base agree with this. I am mad, so
I say fine. Show me the LRH references that SHOW you are doing what is
standard. After showing me a few that didn't apply, she finally finds one line
in one HCOB that says : "even on upper OT levels a person should not be on
medicine". I am pretty cool, and trained and tough at this point. I have heard
wins from the Advanced Org in LA for years of Solo Nots people handling body
stuff. So I say "Hey, if we are going to play hardball, let's play hardball. OT
8 Is the FIRST OT level (all others the Church with ol Davie had decided were
just pre-OT levels!) and I know from successes spoken that Solo Nots deals
somehow with the body. So, I think YOU and ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the C/S's on
this Flag Land Base and in Scientology have an MU (Misunderstood) on what LRH
was saying. I know Ray Mittoff personally, and I WANT MY FOLDERS SENT TO RTC,
and let them decide who is correct!"
This was a huge win for me………..as I was tackling the very thing that had
hurt me so for 20 years, face to face, at the TOP! Give it your best shot, huh?
Well, here I was doing it! It took about a month (and what a long month that
was!) but finally one night the Senior C/S INT called the Tech Sec at Flag and
said "I am sending Tory's full OK to do her OT levels, and I want you to
personally call her and apologize". PHEW! Also, many, many others were stopped
on their own auditing due to medication. So the Senior C/S INT wrote an INT
Bulletin and I am the first example in it. Basically, if a person needs
medication, they should get it! I am not sure if you can grasp the win of this
for me………….but it was HUGE. They also crammed (corrected) the ENTIRE
FLAG LAND BASE on this issue:Every tech terminal. Now obviously there are still
other areas scewed up that what happened to Lisa occurred and that is another
tragedy of its own, but re my scene….it was a big win.
So if you are reading this and you have a physical illness, here is my advice,
having fought this for 30 years:
1). Take any and all medicine you need, that your DOCTOR tells you to. Do NOT,
and I mean this from the bottom of my soul ..waste one ounce of feeling like
you are weird, or bad or harmed in any way. As my doctor wrote up in 1989
"Tory's body needs this medicine". Simple. Take it! (and I am just talking
about medicine for your body….not psych drugs as I know nothing of this area,
but the horrors I have heard).
2) My suggestion is don't plan on auditing handling it! If it does (like
in the story I told of my mother-in-law getting rid of her arthritis with
Dianetics in 1950) fine! But please do not count on it, nor waste (WASTE)
thousand of dollars hoping it will blow. Auditing is for you as a spiritual
being. Just please take it from one who has spent 30 years trying to do so,
and 7 years on SOLO NOTS…..don't waste your money! If YOU want the gains,
fine. But don't do it hoping you will handle it. I am not saying you won't. I
am saying don't do it hoping to. And yes, to all of you staff members reading
this who say "Sure! We have signs posted in the halls saying that"…I can only
speak to those with the illness. Get auditing or training to help yourself and
others. Do NOT get it secretly hoping something will blow. You will hear lots
and lots of stories about how people DO handle things in auditing. I am not
saying this in not possible. I am saying, DON"T waste your time and money on
it.
3) Avoid people (and this is a lot) who are always talking about PTS/SP's!
They will just say things that act as giant wrong indications. Scientologists
in general are some of THE most evaluative and unkind people I have ever known.
I know to those reading you may feel this is rather harsh. It is.
Some….Some…some are kind, and as always they shine like gold. But the
average Scientologist has enough "tools" to peg anyone…and they do! All it
does it create pain…nothing more, nothing less. They feel they "know". I
know, as I was there. But when I got onto Solo Nots in 1990 and saw this worse
than ever, is really when this began to crack big time for me. I had grown up
in a nice upper middle class suburb in Chicago, Park Ridge. People were fun
and nice and this was a PERFECT home for a duck! Warm and bright and many
friends. Then my Dad started broadcasting sports for NBC and O'Hare expanded.
They decided to "build their dream house" and moved up to Lake Forest, IL. One
of the richest and snottiest places in America!
Suddenly I was around these amazingly pompous snotty people and I flipped. I
did. I started drinking, driving motorcycles (Hi barb) and doing my total wild
thing! The rest is a whole other story…. but let it be said that I couldn't
wait to get away from these people! Now, 20 years later, I am at the top of the
Bridge to Total Freedom, and this is worse than Lake Forest! Believe me, I
spent years talking to my auditor, ethics, exec's trying to get this handled.
Did it? Not while I was there, and really not now. Now the only difference is
the "OT's" say what RTC wants them to. I know…they will hate reading
this…but I thought this way before I left!
4) Get trained…………more than anything else, and get interned. There
the data becomes yours…………..and the rest you can use as you please. I
love the training I did, although actually I am not sure now with this Golden
Age of Crap. Check with Virginia or the Freezone maybe.
5) My real suggestion now? Leave the Church and come play over here! All
of the really good techies are here (many who created the Bridge with LRH) and
it is just WAY more fun and you don't have to feel like the bottom of the
barrel. No one cares over here……….at least I don't think so.
There IS so much more compasssion, real compassion,and care for each
other.NOTHING is a stat (HAHAHAHAHA) and people have lots of real communicaiton
("what Jagg off's!) feels SO good to say, when they are. Suddenly for the fiist
time in 30 years I find myself really saying what is in my heart. Not that
never did before, I did oftten. BUT NOT ABOUT THE CHURCH!
So there is the very personal and long and painful story of Tory. Also, for
those of you thinking I am just way too happy……………if you don't get it
now, you will never ever get it! I* am happy! I am DONE with
alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the years and years of
invalidation, evaluation and giant wrong indications!
For those of you wondering why would anyone stay with the above story…..all I
can say is on the opposite side, there are wins I had that are beyond belief,
and that kept me going.
I hope this has a chance to touch a few souls and hearts.
My love to you all, especially those who have had the courage to leave this
Church so early on when they had noone to help them or encourage them. Bless
each of you for being so strong and helping pave this ever so rocky road out! I
love you all!
Tory Bezazian
SP 3 :and Dancin in the light!
Ed
Thanks, ed
The Skipster
mistm...@aol.com (Mistmagoo55) wrote:
>I hope this has a chance to touch a few souls and hearts.
Epilepsy's tough, Tory. I know another *OT7* who has it and hasn't been
able to beat it. He lives in Glendale and you probably know him. So much
for cause over etc.
--
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
-- Sam Goldwyn
The German Paymaster
> months in Scientology orgs having Grand Mal Seizures around people.
I makes
> me cry as I write this….even thinking I had to put up with this
pain, not to
> mention the degradation (Remember: Scientology is to Make the Able
more Able.
That is horrible. That is absolutely tragic. I Am Not A Doctor, but:
Epilepsy, like depression and migraines, is a self-reinforcing pattern
of brain activity: the more it happens, the more likely it is to
happen again. Each time the brain goes along that "path", it wears
a "groove" that makes it more and more likely to fall into that pattern
again later on. That is why it is vitally important to get these
maladies under control with medication early on.
By preventing you from taking your meds and controlling your epilepsy,
Scientology was virtually ensuring that your condition would continue,
and escalate. What a rotten, evil system.
Oh, Tory, I am so sad to read this. My heart goes out to you. More
than ever: love and encouragement.
--
Love and encouragement,
The German Paymaster
(well, half-German... on my father's side)
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Library/
"In Scientology, litigation is a sacrament."
-- Scott McLemee <http://www.inthesetimes.com/mclemee2415.html>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
The Drooling Marcab Horde
> OK, many have asked about MY personal story. I have many, having been in the
> Church for 30 years! But this one is the most tragic and I am really writing it
> for any people IN the C of S who are struggling with similar physical
> illnesses. It is very close to my heart, and I even hate to go into it, as I
> have had 30 YEARS of being labeled and would like to shed this â*|.but I cannot
> be silent, for those suffering as I write.
Tory...this is a very brave post.
Epilepsy is nothing to be ashamed of. It shows just how twisted
Scientology is that you had to suffer in silence.
To that fuckhead Travis Sargent: don't criticize Tory unless you have
walked a mile in her shoes first.
Again...I am totally sorry for doubting you...if we ever meet in person
I want to give you a big hug.
The Misery Chick
--
Campus Crusade For Xenu:
Enturbulating Theta since 1978!
Scientology and Total Freedom are a contradiction in terms.
--
Campus Crusade For Xenu:
Enturbulating Theta since 1978!
Scientology and Total Freedom are a contradiction in terms.
johnbrownlee
It was suggested to me once by the C/S in a Class IV Org that I needed the
Introspection RD.
(For those of you who do not know about this, it is tantamount to saying
someone is psychotic.)
Some years later in session at Flag, this came up as a wrong indication.
I still remember the incredible relief that resulted.
Basically, I could conclude that I was NOT, in fact, psychotic.
How much more traumatic it must be for Tory who had to deal with wrong
indications of much greater magnitude-at least in terms of the force with
which they were "implanted" by others directly and indirectly, by statement
and innuendo.
When the old man said the worst upsets occur from out lists (wrong
indications, etc), he was not overstating things. It is a horrible horrible
place to be. I know.
Thanks Tory for refusing to be silenced (!)
John Brownlee
>3) Avoid people (and this is a lot) who are always talking about PTS/SP's!
>They will just say things that act as giant wrong indications.
Scientologists
>in general are some of THE most evaluative and unkind people I have ever
known.
>I know to those reading you may feel this is rather harsh. It is.
>Some….Some…some are kind, and as always they shine like gold. But the
>average Scientologist has enough "tools" to peg anyone…and they do! All
it
>does it create pain…nothing more, nothing less. They feel they "know". I
Bat Child (Sue M.)
Scieno doctor took him off his anti-seizure medication and put him on
vitamins instead, check out:
http://www.b-org.demon.nl/scn/deaths/room758.html
I'm very sorry you went through all of this, and thank goodness you're
out now!
Sue
On 18 Aug 2000 17:01:23 GMT, mistm...@aol.com (Mistmagoo55) wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> MAGOO'S BEGINNING TORTURED DAYS, AND
>
> HER VERY PERSONAL WAR WITH THE CHURCH
>
>
>THIS ONE IS VERY, VERY PERSONAL AND HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.
>I AM WARNING YOU IT ISN'T NICE, AND IS REALLY ONLY WRITTEN FOR THOSE WHO WILL
>NOT LATER SAY SNIDE THINGS TO ME.
>IF YOU TEND TO FEEL COMPELLED TO WRITE NASTY THINGS, PLEASE HONOR ME THIS ONCE
>AND MOVE ON. FOR THE REST, HERE IS THE WORST OF MY STORIES;
>
>OK, many have asked about MY personal story. I have many, having been in the
>Church for 30 years! But this one is the most tragic and I am really writing it
>for any people IN the C of S who are struggling with similar physical
>illnesses. It is very close to my heart, and I even hate to go into it, as I
>have had 30 YEARS of being labeled and would like to shed this ů.but I cannot
>be silent, for those suffering as I write.
>
>You not in this situation will see that as overdramatic, but I promise you it
>is not. So please ůůůů.well, if you can hold your often over critical
>thoughts on this one.
>
>I got in Scientology in 1969. In 1967 I had had a Grand Mal Seizure while
>checking out a college, and after numbers of tests it was decided I had
>Epilepsy, and I was given some very needed drugs (medicine) to control the
>situation. At first I just had what I called "black outs" where my brain would
>just stop. I told my mom, and she did her usual of "we will have to get that
>checked out, hon". Then in Washington D.C I think I had the full Grand Mal
>Seizure, which scared me nearly to death. I won't take time to describe these,
>except I think really you do die, and then return. So I am very flat on death
>nowůand have talked with the angels quite intimately. This was all a big
>secret while in Scientologyůůůů.as they do not believe in angels. But
>when you die, and spend time with them (or at least I did) there is no
>question. I haven't had any seizures in 20 years, and prior only when I tried
>to get off of the medication I need.
>
>Ok, so in 1971 I am at American Saint Hill (AHSO, same place Warrior was from
>later)ůand I decide to join the Sea Org. I am sent out on the Bolivar for
>ship training, which is an entire other story. After I think 2 weeks, I return
>back to land, ready to be a Sea Org member. But I am routed to the Medical
>Liaison Officer (not a doctor I might add, just one of a long chain of Know-it
>-all's), and ordered to get off of my medicine. I am told I cannot be in the
>Sea Org while still on this medicine. This is the beginning of 30 YEARS or
>being treated like a leper. So when you see me dancing, and none of you can
>imagine whyůůůůůůůI guarantee you CANNOT imagine what I am
>talking about or the pain involved, on a daily basis, nor the freedom involved
>to finally quit and end off on this FOREVER. You are damned right I am dancing!
>OH!
>( and please do not ask why I stayedů..I did have tremendous gains in the C
>of Sůbut remember this is the down side).
>
>I move out of the S.O> berthing, and rent a room with Mary Jessup (Nate
>Jessup's ex-wife). To this day, to give you an idea of how bad this is in this
>Churchůůůů.I can honestly count on my two hands the amount of people I
>can talk to about this where I do not leave feeling like some horribly deformed
>yuckie person. And that is all the way up to the OT 8's! Mary is one of those
>people. She was kind, loving and had left the Church quietly way back then in
>1971. She didn't have a care on earth about me taking medicine, unlike the
>entire majority of people. So I began cutting one pill into 1/8th. And I spent
>months in Scientology orgs having Grand Mal Seizures around people. I makes
>me cry as I write thisů.even thinking I had to put up with this pain, not to
>mention the degradation (Remember: Scientology is to Make the Able more Able. A
>simple quote...but when you are on the floor having a grand mal seizure or are
>being asked by people over and over, "Did you ever get a PTS rundown, TORy?"
>you are not feeling like the top of the list of ABLE). That was gross!
>
>Of all of the "beautiful people" staring at me. I understand seizures are hard
>to take, I do. But puuuuuuuuuuullllleeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzze. These looks
>were NOT called for.
>
>
>When you come out of a Grand Mal Seizure (having died as I say) you return to
>this planet quite unsure where you are. It is amazingly disorienting. I could
>never remember ANYTHINGůůI could look at a human, but not know it was a
>human. Thankfully there were a few people in the Church who were kind, and
>these people I will always, always remember. Ken Dorsett, Ted Street, Vicki
>Dries, Mary Jessup, Ann Snider, and my husband, Harold Bezazian, and later Bill
>Yaude, Phyllis Burker, and Tom Braceland each knew ME.. They didn't give a
>rats ass about this physical condition. They knew me, and that never wavered.
>Some my say, bid deal. Well, when you are literally surrounded by people
>staring at you in an odd way, or just looking at you with this look. I do not
>know how to describe it, but it is something no man or woman should have to
>endureůyes! It is a huge deal! To this day I thank each of you for grantring
>me the dignity you did, when SO many others were so mean. I guess now I can see
>why Andreas means so much to me, and you here at ARS who have been kind. There
>is a great book called The Power OF One, and I highly recommend it! You just
>never know when you are changing someone's life forever.
>
> I used to carry a card in my wallet during these 2 years in the early 70's
>that said:
>
>:IF you find me and I have had a seizure, please tell me the following (no
>joke)
>1. I am on planet Earth
>2. I am OK
>3. My name is Tory
>4. I am a Scientologist
>5. Soon I will remember things that are important
>
>Please just hold me and DO NOT CALL AN AMBULENCE!" (They are really scary in
>this condition!)
>Heavyů.huh? It was truly a horrible time in my life! If I can help one person
>not go through this torture, it is worth telling my story.
>
>Okůmonths go by, I have now had my front teeth knocked out, falling in the
>shower having a seizure. Most seizures I had at Mary's or in the Scientology
>org's, although I had a few on the street. It was HORRIBLE! My mother was
>begging me to go back on my medicine as my memory was failing so badly, and my
>father died in 1971ů.so she was truly at her wits end. (Can you imagine how
>happy she is now that I left the Church??) I was literally dying in front of
>people, and no one noticed!
>
>Finally I had to make my own decision on this: I Am going back on my medicine,
>even if the entire Sea Org thinks it is horrible (and they did back then).
>Which is why I have said to you allů..this started a LONG time ago. I
>literally had to build my own Bridge: Tory's Bridge! As long as I take my
>medicine I have NO seizures. However, remember at this time in this Church
>(which I later totally got corrected personally and for everyone, forever)ů.
>taking medicine was looked on as totally gross. So I spent years and years and
>years with people asking me about Epilepsy and what they felt I needed to
>really handle this.
>
> People suggested everything from auditing actions, to nutritional vits, etc.Of
>course everyone's favorite was I was PTS. IF I never hear that word again, it
>will be too soon! (and maybe now you see how I welcome being an SP! SHIT ! I
>can FINALLY BE F'ing CAUSE OVED THIS! I AM THE SP! HAHAHAHAAHAH)
>
> In the late 70's I was auditing at CC in the HGC. Debbie Mace asked me "When
>are you going to go Clear? At the time I hadn't spotted I was from last
>lifetime, (and HI Arthur Hubbard, if you see this! You helped me spot this, as
>well as Bill, later) I told her really because of my body situation, it will
>have to be next lifetime. She told me to write it up to Snr C/S FLAG, David
>Mayo. OK, I did. What did Mr.Snr C/s of the world write back?
>"Get your PTSness handled". I wrote him back and said "THAT"S F'ing IT???YOU
>are the stupid senior Case supervisor ON THE PLANET and you say the same thing
>ALL of these morons say here in LA???!" I was really, really pissed! He wrote
>me a 3-page hand written letter saying that he said blah, not blah and Yes! I
>did need to take my medicine, and he would back me up all the way at Flag, and
>I could do up through OT 3! That was huge for me! ( Hi David, if you read this,
>thank you for that!)
>
>.As Hubbard says in Science of Survival that anyone with a chronic illness is
>1.1 (covert hostilityůthe absolute worst tone or emotion one can
>be)ůůůůI felt for 30 years I was battling people thinking "is she 1.1?"
>Now if you know meůů..even reading what I post (not Magoo, but me) you KNOW
>this girl ain't 1.1 uh uh. If something sucks, you can always count on me to
>say so! That isn't 1.1ů.it isn't covert, it is overt. Again, to you reading
>you probably do not get the significance of thisů..but I AM FREE FROM F'ing
>WORRYING IF PEOPLE THINK I AM 1.1 or ONE OF THE EVILEST PEOPLE AROUND!
>(Okůso Phil Scott thought Magoo was a big bad evil person, but to me that is
>just plain cute. Magoo? COME ON!) But I am not worrying about you all, You are
>different than Scientologists. So YESů.I AM DANCIN DARLIN!
>
>Roll forward a number of years, and now I have OT 4.5,6 and 7 paid for. I
>arrive at the Flag Land Base here in Clearwater, Fl and begin my routing form.
>I get to Ethics, and some crap ass Italian kid is there. He opens up my folder,
>looks at it, and looks at me and says: "You are not allowed on the Flag Land
>Base!" I know this drillů.I have lived it for 20 years. Of course what am I
>feeling? I am feeling like I would like to jump over the table and bash his
>stupid snotty face onto the desk, but wanting to get the auditingů.I did my
>"Taxi Driver" routine: "You talking to ME???? I look around the room and say
>this over and over. I tell him he HAS to have the wrong person. He finally gets
>confused, and goes to get the D of P (Director of Processing.,..someone who can
>possibly help here). She hears my story and puts it into the C/S. It comes
>right out with a statement, from the C/S: ALL OF YOUR EARLIER "HANDLINGS" RE
>EPILEPSY AND MEDICATION WERE SUPPRESSIVE. We are going to handle it all
>correctly, and get you onto OT 4."
>
>We do a bunch of "set up" auditingůand finally my auditor says "we are going
>to sec check epilepsy". I set the cans over on his side and said "You and the
>C/S can sec-check Epilepsy! I AM DONE!"( and to the non- Scios and critics,
>that is a BIG DEAL. People almost NEVER, EVER SAY NO) I hadn't had any
>seizures in 10 years except once when after OT 3 I had again tried to get off
>of my medicine. Now the same girl who a few weeks ago (Mary Vogadine) told me
>all my earlier handles on epilepsy were suppressiveůůů.orders me to once
>again get off of my medicine before I can do OT 4. I AM PISSED! So now she
>tells me ALL of the C/S's on the Flag Land Base agree with this. I am mad, so
>I say fine. Show me the LRH references that SHOW you are doing what is
>standard. After showing me a few that didn't apply, she finally finds one line
>in one HCOB that says : "even on upper OT levels a person should not be on
>medicine". I am pretty cool, and trained and tough at this point. I have heard
>wins from the Advanced Org in LA for years of Solo Nots people handling body
>stuff. So I say "Hey, if we are going to play hardball, let's play hardball. OT
>8 Is the FIRST OT level (all others the Church with ol Davie had decided were
>just pre-OT levels!) and I know from successes spoken that Solo Nots deals
>somehow with the body. So, I think YOU and ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the C/S's on
>this Flag Land Base and in Scientology have an MU (Misunderstood) on what LRH
>was saying. I know Ray Mittoff personally, and I WANT MY FOLDERS SENT TO RTC,
>and let them decide who is correct!"
>
> This was a huge win for meůůů..as I was tackling the very thing that had
>hurt me so for 20 years, face to face, at the TOP! Give it your best shot, huh?
>Well, here I was doing it! It took about a month (and what a long month that
>was!) but finally one night the Senior C/S INT called the Tech Sec at Flag and
>said "I am sending Tory's full OK to do her OT levels, and I want you to
>personally call her and apologize". PHEW! Also, many, many others were stopped
>on their own auditing due to medication. So the Senior C/S INT wrote an INT
>Bulletin and I am the first example in it. Basically, if a person needs
>medication, they should get it! I am not sure if you can grasp the win of this
>for meůůůů.but it was HUGE. They also crammed (corrected) the ENTIRE
>FLAG LAND BASE on this issue:Every tech terminal. Now obviously there are still
>other areas scewed up that what happened to Lisa occurred and that is another
>tragedy of its own, but re my sceneů.it was a big win.
>
>So if you are reading this and you have a physical illness, here is my advice,
>having fought this for 30 years:
>
>1). Take any and all medicine you need, that your DOCTOR tells you to. Do NOT,
>and I mean this from the bottom of my soul ..waste one ounce of feeling like
>you are weird, or bad or harmed in any way. As my doctor wrote up in 1989
>"Tory's body needs this medicine". Simple. Take it! (and I am just talking
>about medicine for your bodyů.not psych drugs as I know nothing of this area,
>but the horrors I have heard).
>2) My suggestion is don't plan on auditing handling it! If it does (like
>in the story I told of my mother-in-law getting rid of her arthritis with
>Dianetics in 1950) fine! But please do not count on it, nor waste (WASTE)
>thousand of dollars hoping it will blow. Auditing is for you as a spiritual
>being. Just please take it from one who has spent 30 years trying to do so,
>and 7 years on SOLO NOTSů..don't waste your money! If YOU want the gains,
>fine. But don't do it hoping you will handle it. I am not saying you won't. I
>am saying don't do it hoping to. And yes, to all of you staff members reading
>this who say "Sure! We have signs posted in the halls saying that"ůI can only
>speak to those with the illness. Get auditing or training to help yourself and
>others. Do NOT get it secretly hoping something will blow. You will hear lots
>and lots of stories about how people DO handle things in auditing. I am not
>saying this in not possible. I am saying, DON"T waste your time and money on
>it.
>3) Avoid people (and this is a lot) who are always talking about PTS/SP's!
>They will just say things that act as giant wrong indications. Scientologists
>in general are some of THE most evaluative and unkind people I have ever known.
>I know to those reading you may feel this is rather harsh. It is.
>Someů.Someůsome are kind, and as always they shine like gold. But the
>average Scientologist has enough "tools" to peg anyoneůand they do! All it
>does it create painůnothing more, nothing less. They feel they "know". I
>know, as I was there. But when I got onto Solo Nots in 1990 and saw this worse
>than ever, is really when this began to crack big time for me. I had grown up
>in a nice upper middle class suburb in Chicago, Park Ridge. People were fun
>and nice and this was a PERFECT home for a duck! Warm and bright and many
>friends. Then my Dad started broadcasting sports for NBC and O'Hare expanded.
>They decided to "build their dream house" and moved up to Lake Forest, IL. One
>of the richest and snottiest places in America!
>
>Suddenly I was around these amazingly pompous snotty people and I flipped. I
>did. I started drinking, driving motorcycles (Hi barb) and doing my total wild
>thing! The rest is a whole other storyů. but let it be said that I couldn't
>wait to get away from these people! Now, 20 years later, I am at the top of the
>Bridge to Total Freedom, and this is worse than Lake Forest! Believe me, I
>spent years talking to my auditor, ethics, exec's trying to get this handled.
>Did it? Not while I was there, and really not now. Now the only difference is
>the "OT's" say what RTC wants them to. I knowůthey will hate reading
>thisůbut I thought this way before I left!
>4) Get trainedůůůůmore than anything else, and get interned. There
>the data becomes yoursůůůů..and the rest you can use as you please. I
>love the training I did, although actually I am not sure now with this Golden
>Age of Crap. Check with Virginia or the Freezone maybe.
>5) My real suggestion now? Leave the Church and come play over here! All
>of the really good techies are here (many who created the Bridge with LRH) and
>it is just WAY more fun and you don't have to feel like the bottom of the
>barrel. No one cares over hereůůů.at least I don't think so.
>There IS so much more compasssion, real compassion,and care for each
>other.NOTHING is a stat (HAHAHAHAHA) and people have lots of real communicaiton
>("what Jagg off's!) feels SO good to say, when they are. Suddenly for the fiist
>time in 30 years I find myself really saying what is in my heart. Not that
>never did before, I did oftten. BUT NOT ABOUT THE CHURCH!
>
>So there is the very personal and long and painful story of Tory. Also, for
>those of you thinking I am just way too happyůůůůůif you don't get it
>now, you will never ever get it! I* am happy! I am DONE with
>alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the years and years of
>invalidation, evaluation and giant wrong indications!
>
>For those of you wondering why would anyone stay with the above storyů..all I
>can say is on the opposite side, there are wins I had that are beyond belief,
>and that kept me going.
>
>
>I hope this has a chance to touch a few souls and hearts.
>
>My love to you all, especially those who have had the courage to leave this
>Church so early on when they had noone to help them or encourage them. Bless
>each of you for being so strong and helping pave this ever so rocky road out! I
>love you all!
>
>Tory Bezazian
>SP 3 :and Dancin in the light!
http://scorsese.jumpmovies.com
"Maybe he got what he deserves--exclusion from
the mediocre."--Harvey Keitel, on Martin Scorsese
never having won a Best Director Oscar.
mimus
> MAGOO'S BEGINNING TORTURED DAYS, AND
>
> HER VERY PERSONAL WAR WITH THE CHURCH
>
>
>THIS ONE IS VERY, VERY PERSONAL AND HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.
>I AM WARNING YOU IT ISN'T NICE, AND IS REALLY ONLY WRITTEN FOR THOSE WHO WILL
>NOT LATER SAY SNIDE THINGS TO ME.
>IF YOU TEND TO FEEL COMPELLED TO WRITE NASTY THINGS, PLEASE HONOR ME THIS ONCE
>AND MOVE ON.
<snip>
OK
A great, terrible and pitiful story.
Accepted as _bona fides_.
<stampstampstamp>
Routed to the FreeZone <roll eyes>.
I saw
many people
reduced to
incoherent babbling,
stripping off clothes,
crawling around on the ground,
banging heads, limbs and other body parts
against furniture and walls,
barking,
losing all sense of one's identity
and intense and persistent suicidal ideation.
--Declaration of Andre Tabayoyon
I'm an OT.--Lisa McPherson
If you imagine 40-50 Scientologists
posting on the Internet every few days,
we'll just run the SP's right off the system.
It will be quite simple, actually.
--Elaine Siegel, OSA INT (1996)
Case 5/BTLA/SP1
Ed
johnbrownlee wrote:
>
> I "enjoyed" reading this....a lot.
> It was suggested to me once by the C/S in a Class IV Org that I needed the
> Introspection RD.
> (For those of you who do not know about this, it is tantamount to saying
> someone is psychotic.)
>
> Some years later in session at Flag, this came up as a wrong indication.
> I still remember the incredible relief that resulted.
> Basically, I could conclude that I was NOT, in fact, psychotic.
>
> How much more traumatic it must be for Tory who had to deal with wrong
> indications of much greater magnitude-at least in terms of the force with
> which they were "implanted" by others directly and indirectly, by statement
> and innuendo.
>
> When the old man said the worst upsets occur from out lists (wrong
> indications, etc), he was not overstating things. It is a horrible horrible
> place to be. I know.
>
I realized at some point that there is a beautiful design
to this system. First a low level (a local org) creates charge by
wrong indications, out lists, all sorts of other things; then a higher
level (Flag or an advanced org) says they really goofed up, we
apologize, you're really very okay. That is the hook that sticks you
in the higher level of the cult. They love you and acknowledge that
you're a great being and better than the mistaken peons out in the
field. The tyrant at the top of a cult system occasionally throws out
some crumbs and people hang on forever wanting more of those crumbs.
Ed
Mistmagoo55
>From: "johnbrownlee" j...@telusplanet.net
>Date: 8/19/00 12:06 AM Eastern Daylight Time
>Message-id: <fJnn5.1081$W62.4...@news1.telusplanet.net>
>
>I "enjoyed" reading this....a lot.
>It was suggested to me once by the C/S in a Class IV Org that I needed the
>Introspection RD.
>(For those of you who do not know about this, it is tantamount to saying
>someone is psychotic.)
>
>Some years later in session at Flag, this came up as a wrong indication.
>I still remember the incredible relief that resulted.
>Basically, I could conclude that I was NOT, in fact, psychotic.
>
>How much more traumatic it must be for Tory who had to deal with wrong
>indications of much greater magnitude-at least in terms of the force with
>which they were "implanted" by others directly and indirectly, by statement
>and innuendo.
>
>When the old man said the worst upsets occur from out lists (wrong
>indications, etc), he was not overstating things. It is a horrible horrible
>place to be. I know.
>
>Thanks Tory for refusing to be silenced (!)
>
>John Brownlee
John,
You are most welcome, and thank you for your kind words! It is So true....and
so painful, which is why I posted that. If I can save one person from the
trauma I went through, I will be happy and it is worth it.
Thanks for really getting it.
Tory :)
Mistmagoo55
>From: Ed met...@aol.com
>Date: 8/19/00 12:33 PM Eastern Daylight Time
>Message-id: <399EB6F6...@aol.com>
>
>
>
>johnbrownlee wrote:
>>
>> I "enjoyed" reading this....a lot.
>> It was suggested to me once by the C/S in a Class IV Org that I needed the
>> Introspection RD.
>> (For those of you who do not know about this, it is tantamount to saying
>> someone is psychotic.)
>>
>> Some years later in session at Flag, this came up as a wrong indication.
>> I still remember the incredible relief that resulted.
>> Basically, I could conclude that I was NOT, in fact, psychotic.
>>
>> How much more traumatic it must be for Tory who had to deal with wrong
>> indications of much greater magnitude-at least in terms of the force with
>> which they were "implanted" by others directly and indirectly, by statement
>> and innuendo.
>>
>> When the old man said the worst upsets occur from out lists (wrong
>> indications, etc), he was not overstating things. It is a horrible horrible
>> place to be. I know.
>>
>to this system. First a low level (a local org) creates charge by
>wrong indications, out lists, all sorts of other things; then a higher
>level (Flag or an advanced org) says they really goofed up, we
>apologize, you're really very okay. That is the hook that sticks you
>in the higher level of the cult. They love you and acknowledge that
>you're a great being and better than the mistaken peons out in the
>field. The tyrant at the top of a cult system occasionally throws out
>some crumbs and people hang on forever wanting more of those crumbs.
>
> Ed
>
>
>
>
>>
>> John Brownlee
>>
>> >They will just say things that act as giant wrong indications.
>> Scientologists
>> >in general are some of THE most evaluative and unkind people I have ever
>> known.
>> >I know to those reading you may feel this is rather harsh. It is.
shine like gold.
>But the
they do!
>All
>> it
>> >does it create pain…nothing more, nothing less. They feel
they
>"know". I
>> >know, as I was there
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Subject: Re: Magoo's (tory's) story, corrected (sorrypart didn't copy)
>From: Ed met...@aol.com
>Date: 8/19/00 12:33 PM Eastern Daylight Time
>Message-id: <399EB6F6...@aol.com>
>
>
>
>johnbrownlee wrote:
>>
>> I "enjoyed" reading this....a lot.
>> It was suggested to me once by the C/S in a Class IV Org that I needed the
>> Introspection RD.
>> (For those of you who do not know about this, it is tantamount to saying
>> someone is psychotic.)
>>
>> Some years later in session at Flag, this came up as a wrong indication.
>> I still remember the incredible relief that resulted.
>> Basically, I could conclude that I was NOT, in fact, psychotic.
>>
>> How much more traumatic it must be for Tory who had to deal with wrong
>> indications of much greater magnitude-at least in terms of the force with
>> which they were "implanted" by others directly and indirectly, by statement
>> and innuendo.
>>
>> When the old man said the worst upsets occur from out lists (wrong
>> indications, etc), he was not overstating things. It is a horrible horrible
>> place to be. I know.
>>
> I realized at some point that there is a beautiful design
>to this system. First a low level (a local org) creates charge by
>wrong indications, out lists, all sorts of other things; then a higher
>level (Flag or an advanced org) says they really goofed up, we
>apologize, you're really very okay. That is the hook that sticks you
>in the higher level of the cult. They love you and acknowledge that
>you're a great being and better than the mistaken peons out in the
>field. The tyrant at the top of a cult system occasionally throws out
>some crumbs and people hang on forever wanting more of those crumbs.
>
> Ed
>
Ya Ya Ed! thanks for your take. Sad, but true.
Tory