Will this mean no more sequels to "Roger & Me"?
James Kibo Parry
wants us all to send this form letter:
-> Dear Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles,
->
-> I am urging you to recommend that Governor Rick Perry grant clemency
-> for Michael Moore who is scheduled to be executed on March 28, 2001.
-> I have serious concerns about the fairness and accuracy of death
-> penalty sentencing. As a member of the Executive Board of Clemency,
-> you have the power to steer the Governor away from the use of this
-> inhumane practice which has been outlawed in the vast majority of
-> the rest of the world. Although my sympathies are with the relatives
-> and friends of the victim, to execute Michael Moore would be a
-> miscarriage of justice.
Yeah, I mean, it's not his fault that the Bravo channel isn't bothering
to show reruns of the previous season of his show and, worse, has
scheduled new episodes to air at the same time as "South Park".
Nor should he be held accountable for using the pronunciation "Warshington"
while he makes fun of politicians. That in itself is not illegal.
But look on the bright side: Not only does Texas kill the most prisoners
of any state, they also try the hardest to make their Web site brag about it
in an entertaining way. For instance, there's a list of every final meal
eaten by every dead convict in Texas:
http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
Looking at the most recent requests, at top of the list...
Dennis Dowthitt, executed Mar. 7, 2001 asked for:
=>
=> 1 dozen fried eggs (over easy), 1 loaf of bread, a bowl of salad dressing,
=> french fries, and milk (3 cartons)
Mmm, bread dunked in salad dressing. With a dozen eggs and three cartons
of milk. I think he was hoping that all the prison guards would die of
cholesterol poisoning just from handling his tray.
Adolph Hernandez, executed Feb. 8, 2001 asked for:
=>
=> Double meat cheeseburger (all the way with jalapenos), french fries,
=> ketchup, 3 enchiladas, 3 tacos, banana pudding (with real bananas),
=> 2 Dr. Peppers, 1 apple, and 1 Snicker bar
Don't you hate it when they execute you and don't even put real bananas
in your pudding?
Jack Clark, executed January 7th, asked for "Jar of polish pickles"
among other stuff. The day before, Daniel Hittle had requested
"Relish tray (green olives, cheese, pickles, celery)". On November 15, 2000,
Tony Chambers wanted "2 sliced pickles (whole)", the day after
Stacey Lawton requested nothing but "1 jar of dill pickles".
September 21, 1999, Richard Smith needed "one small bowl of pickles"
with his meal.
WHAT SORT OF INHUMANE TORTURE IS THE TEXAS PRISON SYSTEM SUBMITTING PEOPLE
TO WHICH CAUSES THEM TO CRAVE PICKLES?
(Tony Chambers DID request "1 pint of tin roof ice cream" with his pickles...)
A lot of them seem to like bananas, too... DON'T GO THERE!
-- K.
One guy even copied his last
mean from a guy who was executed
earlier in the year. If you're
ever executed, be sure to copyright
your last meal so you can
collect royalties!
Beable van Polasm
> But look on the bright side: Not only does Texas kill the most prisoners
> of any state, they also try the hardest to make their Web site brag about it
> in an entertaining way. For instance, there's a list of every final meal
> eaten by every dead convict in Texas:
>
> http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
> Looking at the most recent requests, at top of the list...
> WHAT SORT OF INHUMANE TORTURE IS THE TEXAS PRISON SYSTEM SUBMITTING PEOPLE
> TO WHICH CAUSES THEM TO CRAVE PICKLES?
>
> (Tony Chambers DID request "1 pint of tin roof ice cream" with his pickles...)
>
> A lot of them seem to like bananas, too... DON'T GO THERE!
And... NO LOBSTERS! Nobody said "I'll have forty lobsters and two
hundred slices of bacon, please". I know I would. I wouldn't eat
the lobsters but, I'd just play with them. Did I mention that I
want forty LIVE lobsters? They denied quite a few guys cigarettes.
WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO GET LUNG CANCER!! They might lawsuit the jail,
and end up owning it! And then they'd put the Warden in the electric
chair. HEY! How did they kill people in the olden days before they
invented electricity? STEAM-POWERED CHAIR?
cheers
Beable van Polasm
--
THE MORE YOU RUN OVER A DEAD CAT, THE FLATTER IT GETS. -- David Pacheco
IQC 78189333
http://members.nbci.com/_______/index.html
Joe Manfre
>ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>> in an entertaining way. For instance, there's a list of every final
>> meal eaten by every dead convict in Texas:
>>
>> http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
[snip]
>> A lot of them seem to like bananas, too... DON'T GO THERE!
>
>And... NO LOBSTERS! Nobody said "I'll have forty lobsters and two
>hundred slices of bacon, please".
I want to know what's the matter with this Jeffery Caldwell who
didn't want *anything*. Does he not like to take a long trip on
a full stomach? Or is it because everyone knows that the state
has to give you a final meal before your execution, so he thought
that if he didn't order anything they wouldn't be able to kill
him? I see he had a smart lawyer who already tried to get him
lost in the bureaucratic muck by spelling his first name wrong,
but that apparently didn't work.
J "Dear Warden: I want all the candy in the world, EXCEPT NO
GREEN M&Ms!!!!" M
--
Joe Manfre, Hyattsville, Maryland.
Ted Frank
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>But look on the bright side: Not only does Texas kill the most prisoners
>of any state, they also try the hardest to make their Web site brag about it
>in an entertaining way. For instance, there's a list of every final meal
>eaten by every dead convict in Texas:
>
>http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
I want to know what was so wrong with Henry Porter's T-Bone steak that no
one ordered another one for five years.
Some people order french fries. Others order french fries with ketchup.
Is the first group eating the french fries plain? Frank McFarland asked
that his cheese sticks be clean.
Also: bubble gum is not permitted under TDCJ regulations (which makes
sense for obvious reasons) so one can't even order candy cigarettes.
How concerned should I be that Dr. Pepper is the preferred beverage of
death row convicts?
Beable will now post the tale of MikeO's last meal and execution.
--
"I don't have windows. It's all modern Finnish wood. ... I usually spend
three hours a day in my Finnish sauna. I don't want people to know that.
People think I'm working." -- Justice Stephen Breyer.
Beable van Polasm
> In article <kibo-27030...@ppp0b183.std.com>,
> James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> >For instance, there's a list of every final meal
> >eaten by every dead convict in Texas:
> >http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
>
> Is the first group eating the french fries plain? Frank McFarland asked
> that his cheese sticks be clean.
I want to know what is a "cheeseburger (all the way)"? I can't
think of any logical meaning for it, so I'm just guessing that
it's something like a "cheeseburger with the lot". You USAians
sure do talk funny.
> Beable will now post the tale of MikeO's last meal and execution.
Oh stop teasing me! How can MikeO be dead? Surely the psychic shock
of his death scream would tear across the world, knocking over huge
cups of Dr. Pepper all over the world and causing all Taco Bells to
collapse and sink into the mud. I'm hoping he's still alive, eating
Taco Bell, and spilling PEP51, and that he suddenly turns up before
posting thousands of spillage articles.
cheers
Beable van Polasm
--
I'm wearing coat hangers on my feet. -- Chris Costello
IQC 78189333
http://members.nbci.com/_______/index.html
James Dolan
>Some people order french fries. Others order french fries with ketchup.
>Is the first group eating the french fries plain? Frank McFarland asked
>that his cheese sticks be clean.
when joseph faulder asked for vinegar they killed him right then.
>How concerned should I be that Dr. Pepper is the preferred beverage of
>death row convicts?
it's probably just because texas is the preferred state of death row
convicts.
Joe Manfre
at http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm ]
Beable van Polasm (bea...@my-deja.com) wrote:
>m...@Radix.Net (Ted Frank) wrote:
>> Some people order french fries. Others order french fries with
>> ketchup. Is the first group eating the french fries plain? Frank
>> McFarland asked that his cheese sticks be clean.
One assumes old Buettner must have cheated the Reaper in Texas'
deathhouse and slipped off to Nebraska undetected. Notify the
authorities!
I wonder at McFarland's cheese-sticks preference. Is it normal
practice in Texas prison to pour the marinara sauce all over the
cheese sticks before serving? Here on the outside, we get the
sauce on the side for dipping purposes. Maybe McFarland didn't
want even the barest presence of ground-up tomatoes to ruin his
last day.
Hmm, looking over the records of these convicts, I actually
recognized one of them -- Betty Lou Beets, who had no last-meal
request. I recall the news reports of how she killed a couple
of her husbands and buried one of them under the decorative
wishing well in their yard. Hey, it beats paying alimony.
>I want to know what is a "cheeseburger (all the way)"? I can't
>think of any logical meaning for it, so I'm just guessing that
>it's something like a "cheeseburger with the lot". You USAians
>sure do talk funny.
"All the way" doesn't seem to be the idiom in this part of USAia,
where people say "with everything" instead. Except if they also
want hot peppers, in which case they say "with everything and hots",
which I think is equivalent to the "all the way with jalapenos"
that many of the convicts want. (For some reason hot peppers aren't
considered part of "everything". What would be "everything" on a
cheeseburger -- mayo, lettuce, onions, ketchup, mustard, pickles,
tomatoes? Something like that?)
In some parts of USAia I believe the idiom is "all dressed",
although that may apply only to hot dogs, or as I once saw them
called on the Lawrence Welk show, "frankfurter sandwiches".
>> Beable will now post the tale of MikeO's last meal and execution.
>
>Oh stop teasing me! How can MikeO be dead? Surely the psychic shock
>of his death scream would tear across the world, knocking over huge
>cups of Dr. Pepper all over the world and causing all Taco Bells to
>collapse and sink into the mud. I'm hoping he's still alive, eating
>Taco Bell, and spilling PEP51, and that he suddenly turns up before
>posting thousands of spillage articles.
I'm a little upset over the fact that Orien Joiner's last meal sounds
like just the sort of thing that I'd like to have. This guy beats,
rapes and kills a couple of young women and he has the audacity to
share my taste in all-American comfort food? I think I'm going to be
ill.
J "and let's not even discuss Odell Barnes Jr.'s request" M
Joe Manfre
>I wonder at McFarland's cheese-sticks preference. Is it normal
>practice in Texas prison to pour the marinara sauce all over the
>cheese sticks before serving? Here on the outside, we get the
>sauce on the side for dipping purposes. Maybe McFarland didn't
>want even the barest presence of ground-up tomatoes to ruin his
>last day.
Whoops, I just realized that he apparently wanted simple sticks
of cold cheese. When I see "cheese sticks" I immediately think
of the breaded deep-fried fingers of mozzarella! What the hell
is this guy's problem, wanting plain, uncooked cheese? Look,
the guy was obviously so nuts that the clerk who typed in his
record put the paper in the typewriter sideways.
JM
Otto Bahn
>
> m...@Radix.Net (Ted Frank) wrote:
> > In article <kibo-27030...@ppp0b183.std.com>,
> > James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> > >For instance, there's a list of every final meal
> > >eaten by every dead convict in Texas:
> > >http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
> >
> > Some people order french fries. Others order french fries with ketchup.
> > Is the first group eating the french fries plain? Frank McFarland asked
> > that his cheese sticks be clean.
>
> I want to know what is a "cheeseburger (all the way)"?
"Special sauce."
--oTTo--
Kevin S. Wilson
Parry) wrote:
> For instance, there's a list of every final meal
>eaten by every dead convict in Texas:
>
>http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
>
I like the fact that the page has a "Last Updated" line at the bottom.
I know Texas executes a lot of criminals, but does this page really
represent a big-time webmaster chore?
Kevin S. Wilson
Tech Writer
Instructional Technology Center--Boise State University
Jim Vandewalker
>[A discussion of Texas' online list of executed convicts' final meals,
> at http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm ]
>
>
>I'm a little upset over the fact that Orien Joiner's last meal sounds
>like just the sort of thing that I'd like to have. This guy beats,
>rapes and kills a couple of young women and he has the audacity to
>share my taste in all-American comfort food? I think I'm going to be
>ill.
>
Delbert Teague didn't want a last meal, but then his mother said, "Oh
son, you got to eat SOMETHIN'" and he had a hamburger.
--
Jim the Dead Guy
Glenn Knickerbocker
> -> miscarriage of justice.
Oh, man, if you HAVE to give the fetus a name before it's born, can't
you at least give it one with an Initial Capital Letter?
> WHAT SORT OF INHUMANE TORTURE IS THE TEXAS PRISON SYSTEM SUBMITTING PEOPLE
> TO WHICH CAUSES THEM TO CRAVE PICKLES?
Oh, I get it. Miscarriage of justice. Heh heh.
ŹR
Glenn Knickerbocker
> practice in Texas prison to pour the marinara sauce all over the
> cheese sticks before serving? Here on the outside, we get the
Marinara?! This here's TEXAS, boy! We eat our cheese sticks with
SAUSAGE GRAVY!
ŹR
Joseph Michael Bay
[snip capital punishment HAW HAW stuff]
>A lot of them seem to like bananas, too... DON'T GO THERE!
This reminds me of an edifying & story that was once told
to me of a certain Mr. M_____, who was employed by the Lackawanna
Rail-road as a train conductor. It appears that one day Mr. M_____
was performing his duties, which consisted largely of collecting
fares and punching tickets with care in the presence of the
passengers, when he encountered an ill-tempered and poorly-behaved
young man who refused to pay.
Actually the young man claimed he had no money, despite being
dressed in the foppish manner of Beau Brummel. He then proceeded
to berate Mr. M______ using all manner of base and un-pleasant
language, and then attempted to beat the unfortunate man with his
cane. Mr. M______, incensed at this mis-treatment, and perhaps
acting in self-defense, struggled with the rakish young man, and
in the struggle the man fell from the train and was killed.
Mr. M______ was tried, and due in part to the social status of
his assailant, was convicted and sentenced to be electrocuted
in the electric-chair. For his last meal he requested a banana,
saying he didn't want to be weighed-down with heavy food when
his soul departed his body.
A strange event occured, however, when the executioner pulled
the switch. Although the chair seemed to be working as it should,
the prisoner was unharmed. At that time the custom was to set
in-mates free following inexplicable failures in execution attempts.
Mr. M______ was even able to return to his rail-road job.
Within months, however, a similar event occured. This time the
unfortunate passenger was a priest who, when admonished by Mr.
M_______ that he could not not smoke his pipe in the dining-car,
began to create a scene in which he shoved a serving-woman, upsetting
a table of steam-dishes. Mr. M______, attempting to restrain the
man of the cloth, accidentally defenestrated him.
Overcome with remorse, he turned himself over to the authorities,
and on the basis of his prior conviction was sentenced to death
by electrocution. For his last meal he requested a banana, but
on this occasion after eating it he was washed thoroughly by the
prison-warden, who conjectured that perhaps residue from the
fruit had protected Mr. M_____ from the last attempt to lawfully
execute him.
Nonetheless, when the switch was thrown, the prisoner again
survived exposure to a current that should have ended his life.
On-lookers were amazed, and Mr. M______, again a free man, became
something of a celebrity owing to his amazing powers of survival.
Shortly more than a year had passed with Mr. M______ again taking
tickets on the Lackawanna Rail-road when, as if by fate, he was
involved in an altercation with an un-gentlemanly captain of
industry. The man in question, a certain Mr. R________, was in
his cups and was becoming quite amorous toward many of the female
passengers, causing quite a disturbance.
Mr. M______, in keeping with his official duties, attempted to
escort Mr. R_________ to his own room, but while they were passing
between cars, the industrialist lashed out at him, in the process
losing his balance and tumbling down to the track beneath the
train, where he was ground quickly into sausage.
Owing to the mysterious circumstances, the status of the decedent,
and the history of Mr. M______ himself, he was quickly convicted
and sentenced to death by electrocution. When he requested a
banana for his last meal, Mr. M______ was informed that, owing to
irregularities with the execution process, bananas were not allowed
to in-mates for several days prior to their electrocutions.
Mr. M______ elected to forgo a final meal, and was strapped into
the chair. To the shock of onlookers, if one might forgive the
pun, he was entirely unharmed by the machine aside from a slight
singeing of his hair.
Upon his release, he was accosted by a newspaper-man who asked
him to what he attributed his fantastic luck in thrice escaping
the electric-chair. Mr. M_____ thought for a moment and said
"I suppose I'm not a very good conductor".
--
Joe Bay FLX NAV
Cancer Biology NUC MEM
Leland Stanford Junior University LIF CNT
Nike Educational Facilities and Sweatshops Inc VEH ATM
Joseph Michael Bay
>I want to know what is a "cheeseburger (all the way)"? I can't
>think of any logical meaning for it, so I'm just guessing that
>it's something like a "cheeseburger with the lot". You USAians
>sure do talk funny.
A cheeseburger with land on it? Ewww. Anyway, a cheeseburger (all
the way) is distinct from a cheeseburger (I just wanna chew it and
spit it out) or a cheeseburger (and then some ipecac).
Glenn Knickerbocker
> "I suppose I'm not a very good conductor".
It's funnier if you make him a high school band director because
everyone knows railroad conductors are always highly respected
professionals!
ŹR
Joseph Michael Bay
OH THANK YOU GLENN "I'M NOT A VERY GOOD BAND DIRECTOR" MAKES
A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE IN HIS INABILITY TO BE ELECTROCUTED. IT'S
FUNNIER IF HE SAYS "MAYBE YOU SHOULD PET HIM FIRST" BECAUSE
THAT'S THE PUNCHLINE TO A FUNNIER JOKE! WHO CARES IF IT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE? DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH.
Glenn Knickerbocker
> FUNNIER IF HE SAYS "MAYBE YOU SHOULD PET HIM FIRST" BECAUSE
That would definitely not be funny unless you made him the leader of a
church choir since you can get slapped in jail for touching the railroad
conductor or any of your school teachers but in church you get to give
everybody a "token of peace" so you could hand him your pet iguana and
call it a token which is funny because all your other pet lizards are
chameleons.
ŹR
Kevin S. Wilson
Unlike Richard Beavers, who apparently had worked up quite an
appetite:
"Six pieces of french toast with syrup, jelly, butter, six barbecued
spare ribs, six pieces of well burned bacon, four scrambled eggs, five
well cooked sausage patties, french fries with catsup, three slices of
cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, and four
cartons of milk"
Joseph Michael Bay
>"Six pieces of french toast with syrup, jelly, butter, six barbecued
>spare ribs, six pieces of well burned bacon, four scrambled eggs, five
>well cooked sausage patties, french fries with catsup, three slices of
>cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, and four
>cartons of milk"
He was probably stalling for time. Those last few moments of
life must become more and more precious as you realize you don't
have long to live, and if the only way to forestall that end is
by eating YUMMY YUMMY BACON BACON BACONBACONBACONBACON!
I SMELL BACON!
ONLY ONE THING SMELLS LIKE BACON AND THAT'S BACON!
Oh no, wait. That's not bacon. THAT'S NOT BACON!
Dean Lenort
> Beable van Polasm (bea...@my-deja.com) wrote:
>
> >I want to know what is a "cheeseburger (all the way)"? I can't
> >think of any logical meaning for it, so I'm just guessing that
> >it's something like a "cheeseburger with the lot". You USAians
> >sure do talk funny.
>
> "All the way" doesn't seem to be the idiom in this part of USAia,
> where people say "with everything" instead.
Here in TX, "all the way" is indeed the common way of saying that you want
your hamburger/hot dog/BBQ beef covered potato/haggis/etc. covered with all
the fixins that the particular joint has on hand. This phrasing works in
all kinds of places and now I know that Beable is trolling (again) because
I've used the phrase at an Outback Steakhouse before to describe how I
wanted my potato prepared and the Australian lass that took my order
required no further explanation.
--
Dean Lenort | For they who control the plankton control
dean....@att.net | the planet. -- Kapusniak, Stefan e
Mark Hill
> > I know Texas executes a lot of criminals, but does this page really
> > represent a big-time webmaster chore?
>
> updated a lot less often than that.
Let's get some death row inmates to update Kibo's web page.
And knowing is half the battle.
intentionally ordered nuts in his meal and died before they could kill him?
--
"When life hands you a lemon, pull out a gun and start shooting."
"It's all fun and games until somebody gets eaten." - Louis
http://login.internettrash.com/users/lots42/index.html - Mar 26
How To Slack Off At My Crappy Job
Otto Bahn
>
> Wouldn't it be ironic if a convict who was fatally allergic to peanuts
> intentionally ordered nuts in his meal and died before they could kill him?
For violent offenders, I think ropes should be
standard issue in every cell.
--oTTo--
David Pacheco
said:
That makes no sense. Why would he be collecting tickets on on
the train if he were a high school band director? Maybe the
story should be about the captain of industry who was "in his
cups": I see him as being the tragic figure in this account.
Why was he drunk? Why was he so amorous towards the other
passengers? We need more of his back story, and the reasons why
his life was cut short so prematurely.
Also, Joe, because of the recent power shortages in California,
please change the story so that the man is killed by lethal
injection. The electric chair consumes enough electricity to
kill a man.
Also, take out the references to the bananas. I've read the
story over and over, and they are a total red herring.
And can you work it so that the punchline gets changed to "When
it's ajar (a jar)"? That's my girlfriend's favorite joke.
Also, needs a chimp.
-dp.
Joseph Michael Bay
>Also, Joe, because of the recent power shortages in California,
>please change the story so that the man is killed by lethal
>injection. The electric chair consumes enough electricity to
>kill a man.
It's a solar/wind powered electric chair.
--
Joe Bay FLX NAV VEH CHO
Cancer Biology NUC MEM ATM OIE
Leland Stanford Junior University LIF CNT PAK UNF
"I will defend to the death your right to attribute it to Voltaire"-Churchill
Glenn Knickerbocker
> It's a solar/wind powered electric chair.
I ain't NEVER seen a solar wind THAT powerful.
IYKWIM! AITYD!
satchi
Or at least for those to stupid to figure
out how to use the bed sheets.
"Attention, inmates should now tighten their
nooses..."
Satchi
Slip slidin' away...
http://www.bombhumor.com
backslider
It's not funny at all. It's your natural resistance that causes you
to get jiggy with the amperage. Joe should've said, "I suppose i'm not
a very good resistor." Then he should slap people's faces and scream,
"I LOVE PHYSICS! AM I GOOD? I'M FEYN, MAN!"
rone
--
Hell Below/Stars Above, the new album from the Toadies. Out March 20.
Go to your favorite record store or visit <URL:http://cdconnection.com/>
See <URL:http://www.thetoadies.com/> for more information.
Crgre Jvyyneq
23:07:18 GMT]
>Joseph Michael Bay wrote:
>> It's a solar/wind powered electric chair.
>
>I ain't NEVER seen a solar wind THAT powerful.
WHEN are THEY going to listen to ME and build the GIANT
MAGNIFYING GLASS (it's fresnelific!)???? THAT would REMEDY the
criminal MIND (alleged)!!!
--
CRGRE
"You might say we're cosmically retarded,"
Stanton Friedman
"In short, what should be taken literally, and what slipperily?"
DRH