Message from discussion Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners

From: k...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners
Date: 2000/02/05
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l'AFP wrote:
>
> Subject: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners

New Chimp With Real Rap Beat!

City Drop Charges Against Owners, Chimp Throws Feces Against Owners.

>    WEST COVINA, California, Jan 29 (AFP) - Moe the chimp has beat  
> the rap, now that this city has decided to stop monkeying around 

"MONKEYING AROUND" HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT!

> with his owners, their lawyer said Friday. 
>    West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James  
> Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits, 
> filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria 
> Allred said. 
>    Police Chief Frank Wills said the whole monkey business has  
> generated worldwide attention and driven him bananas. 

HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT!

BUT IT SURE IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S GOT THE WORD BANANAS IN IT!
THE MUTILATED FINGER MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER!

(Reporters attempting to be funny during news stories are much
like doctors attempting to be funny during your vasectomy.)

>    "We're clearly losing the public relations battle," said Wills,  
> who has has received angry letters and e-mails lambasting the city 
> east of Los Angeles for prosecuting the couple. 

That's what they get for letting Koko the gorilla send mail from AOL.

>    "It's unwinnable ... If this was a pit bull, it would be a  
> different story." 

Oh, yeah, nobody likes dogs.  But everyone loves monkeys, even though
you can housebreak dogs.

Ever notice that monkeys aren't intelligent enough not to poop in random
places, and yet they're just intelligent enough to be able to rip off their
diapers every five minutes?  God made monkeys just to annoy people.
And because he likes sitcoms.  That's why he invented the monkey,
the propeller beanie, and the tricycle.

>    Moe, 33, has been moved to the Wildlife Waystation near here.  
>    Chief Wills said the Davises are still "legally prohibited from  
> bringing the chimp back" to their home. 
>    He referred questions about why the case was being dismissed to  
> city prosecutors Martin Mayer and Michael Capizzi. Neither returned 
> calls seeking comment. 
>    The couple adopted the now 90-kilogram (200-pound) chimp after  
> his parents were killed by poachers in Africa. 
>    The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails  
> for candy. Ortiz is suing. 

She will have to prove in court that her fingers do not taste as good as candy.

>    "They are treating Moe like the Hillside Strangler," Allred told  
> the Los Angeles Times. 

Yeah, it's not like he ever strangled anybody.  He just poked them in
their eyes and it went "BOOP!" and then he died and then he appeared in
"It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" standing perfectly still holding a fire
hose next to the other two Stooges, one of whom was also a wax mannequin
and the other was an extremely elderly Curly Joe, not even the real Shemp.

>    But it wasn't Moe's first run-in with the law.  
>    Over the last three decades, the town's strongest primate has  
> attacked five people, including two police officers and an animal 
> control officer, Wills said. 

He only mauled FIVE people!  Let him get at least two more before you
throw the book at him!  Whatever happened to the spirit of California?

>    "If it was an adult (human), it would have been arrested for  
> mayhem and assault," Wills said. "Lucky for him, he was an animal." 

Meanwhile, Bob Hope mauled several people, but it was okay because he's
just a vegetable.

>    Then, there was last year's wild monkey chase.

...on pay-per-view!

> Moe escaped from his backyard cage, and a police officer ended up
> getting bitten before Moe was caught. 

Rule of thumb:  Perhaps any animal that has to stay in a cage all the time
is unsuitable as a friendly housepet.

                                                 -- K.

                                                    Okay, I'll make an
                                                    exception for canaries.

                                                    Providing you glue padded
                                                    foam rubber clown noses
                                                    over their beaks.