point thy chilifinger at thyself
James Kibo Parry
everyone else that she was just trying to extort money with Wacky Gag Finger.
[abcnews.go.com]
->
-> Home of Woman in Finger Claim Searched
->
-> Police Search Las Vegas Home of Woman Who Claimed to Find Finger
-> in Bowl of Chili at Wendy's
->
-> The Associated Press
->
-> Apr. 8, 2005 -- Investigators searched the Las Vegas home of a
-> woman who claimed she scooped up a mouthful of finger along with
-> her chili at a Wendy's restaurant last month.
Kibo's Reply
Kibo Is Posting A Reply To This Article
James "Kibo" Parry, who has just read this news article, is currently
drafting a reply to the same article, to be posted shortly.
The organic life form known as James "Kibo" Parry, alias Mr. J. Parry,
alias The King Of Terror, alias Hacksaw, has completed the systematic
linear interpretation of this article's contents by scanning his
eyeballs back and forth across it to identify the linguistic symbols
within and extract their meaning. Kibo is now moving his fingers,
which contain joints, so that they press against his computer's
keyboard, which contains springs, in order to construct a quantity
of text to carry his response, which will be broadcast over the
Internet, which is full of bozos.
Kibo likes chili.
-- 30 --
-> City police, working with their counterparts in Las Vegas, served
-> the warrant Wednesday as they investigated how a finger ended up
-> in Anna Ayala's bowl of chili.
Jumped, fell, or was pushed?
-> "We are looking into every aspect in this case," San Jose police
-> spokeswoman Gina Tepoorten said. "We are talking to people she
-> knows as well as the finder of the finger. ... We want to
-> determine who this finger belongs to how and how it ended up in a
-> bowl of chili."
Perhaps it jumped into the chili, or it fell into the chili,
or it was pushed into the chili?
DEAR dear REPORTER reporter IS is THERE there AN an ECHO echo IN in
YOUR your HEAD head? AN an ECHO echo WHICH which MAKES makes EVERYTHING
everything MORE more EXPLICIT explicit THE the SECOND second TIME time?
-> Police would not say what listed in the warrant.
Here's a good legal question: If you're taking out a warrant for
severed fingers, are they considered property or persons?
-> Ayala, 39, was at the San Jose restaurant March 22 when she
-> claimed she scooped up the 1 1/2-long fingertip. She later filed
-> a claim with the franchise owner, Fresno, Calif.-based JEM
-> Management, Corp.
->
-> "Just knowing that there was a human remain in my mouth ...
-> it is disgusting. It is tearing me apart inside," Ayala told ABC's
-> "Good Morning America" on March 28.
->
-> Wendy's spokesman Bob Bertini would not comment on the police
-> investigation.
He was probably too busy grinning and cracking his knuckles as his
minions prepared the special extra-greasy Wendy's torture chamber
to receive the latest fool who dared to piss off the late Dave Thomas,
the evil mastermind still running the Wendy's totalitarian empire
despite being a disembodied brain in a beer bottle somewhere in
Melonville, Ohio.
-> There was no answer at a phone listed for an Anna Ayala in Las Vegas.
->
-> On Thursday, Wendy's announced it would give a $50,000 reward to
-> the first person providing verifiable information leading to the
-> positive identification of the origin of the finger.
->
-> "It's very important to our company to find out the truth in this
-> incident," said Tom Mueller, Wendy's president and chief operating
-> officer.
->
-> Wendy's maintains the finger did not enter the food chain in its
-> ingredients. All the employees at the San Jose store were found to
-> have all their fingers, and no suppliers of Wendy's ingredients
-> have reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said.
But maybe it was a COW finger! Ever think of that?
I bet even Rod McKuen couldn't think of a cow finger!
-> The Santa Clara County coroner's office, using a partial
-> fingerprint to attempt to find a match in an electronic database,
-> came up empty. DNA testing is still being conducted.
OooooOOOOOOOooooo. An e-lec-tron-ic database. As opposed to the type
kept in glass jars.
-> Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This
-> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or
-> redistributed.
->
-> Copyright (c) 2005 ABC News Internet Ventures
Hey Associated Press, ABC News is trying to steal your copyright.
Hey ABC News, the Associated Press is trying to steal your copyright.
-- K.
My article, and all
material it quotes,
is Copyright (C) 2005
James "Kibo" Parry
and if you read this
sentence all the way
to the end, you waive
your right to not
send me candy.
Captain Sarcastic
http://www.geocities.com/webcipes/beef/r1114.html
Which is the official website for Wendy's Chili, and I don't see
fingers in the recipe at all! Therefore, this woman must not have been
at Wendy's.
Quid pro quo.
Joseph Michael Bay
>http://www.geocities.com/webcipes/beef/r1114.html
>Quid pro quo.
This was kind of cool though:
http://www.profindpages.com/Img/Finger_in_Wendys_Chili.jpg
--
Chimes peal joy. Bah. Joseph Michael Bay
Icy colon barge Cancer Biology
Frosty divine Saturn Stanford University
By reading this line you agree that I am quite handsome indeed.
James Kibo Parry
[abclocal.go.com]
->
-> The search warrant does say that police are interested in the
-> possibility that the finger came from the dead aunt of the
-> alleged victim.
Eww. I've seen the photos of the alleged finger, so this means her
aunt had really weird-looking blobby fingers with crummy press-on nails.
She must have been some sort of cross between a Shar Pei and an amoeba,
with a Lee Press-On Nail glued on every even-numbered wattle or dewlap.
Unless, of course, it was just all bloated and deformed from having
been kept soaking in the alleged victim's bathtub for months.
There's no way being cooked in Wendy's chili could have made it
deteriorate like that, because Wendy's chili is milder than water.
[www.latimes.com]
=>
=> In an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle, Ayala angrily
=> denied planting the finger. She accused San Jose and Las Vegas
=> officers of bursting into her home with guns drawn on her and
=> her family.
=>
=> "They put guns to us and handcuffed us and threw us to the ground
=> in front of all my neighbors," Ayala said. "They treated us like
=> trash, like terrorists. It's the worst nightmare," she said.
Yeah, people who put their dead relatives' body parts into food
deserve to be treated slightly differently than other types of
terrorists. But the same as any others who are in that little
orzo-shaped sliver of the Venn diagram that represents "cannibal"
overlapping with "extortionist" and "terrorist" and "liar".
This business with the handcuffs -- if it did happen anywhere other
than in her quotation -- is going to be the least of her troubles
once the Wendy's corporation starts taking revenge on her for
trying to take advantage of their harmless, watery chili. One day
she'll wake up on the inside of whatever giant machine they use
to cut the sides off their hamburger patties to turn them from
circles to squares.
-- K.
Turns out the dead aunt's
will said "I LEAVE MY
FINGER TO MY SLEAZY
NIECE'S CUP OF CHILI."
Rose Marie Holt
"Captain Sarcastic" <sird...@gmail.com> wrote:
Habeus digitus
TimC
was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea:
> -> "Just knowing that there was a human remain in my mouth ...
> -> it is disgusting. It is tearing me apart inside," Ayala told ABC's
> -> "Good Morning America" on March 28.
You missed an opportunity to say "The finger! She's still alive!
She's tearing me apart from the inside! Gah!".
--
TimC -- http://astronomy.swin.edu.au/staff/tconnors/
[On being overcaffeinated...] Yes, this is possible - symptons include
the sun being too loud and grokking in full what Adams meant by
"unpleasantly like being drunk". -- Steed @ ASR
Raoul Vandelayer
> -> -> Wendy's maintains the finger did not enter the food chain in its
> -> ingredients. All the employees at the San Jose store were found to
> -> have all their fingers,
..and presumably no one else's? C'mon, Wendy's Police, quit kidding
the good people of America! This "internal investigation" is a
travesty! A TRAVESTY, I TELL YOU!
> and no suppliers of Wendy's ingredients
> -> have reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said.
>
> But maybe it was a COW finger! Ever think of that?
>
> I bet even Rod McKuen couldn't think of a cow finger!
Sucker bet. Rod McKuen couldn't think, period.
> -> The Santa Clara County coroner's office, using a partial
> -> fingerprint to attempt to find a match in an electronic database,
> -> came up empty. DNA testing is still being conducted.
>
> OooooOOOOOOOooooo. An e-lec-tron-ic database. As opposed to the type
> kept in glass jars.
Hey Ienstien, a database consisting entirely of severed fingers could
EASILY be kept in glass jars. So neener.
>
> and if you read this
> sentence all the way
> to the end, you waive
> your right to not
> send me candy.
I'll send candy all right. I'll send ALL THE RUSSELL STOVER LOW-CARB
PEANUT BUTTER CUPS IN THE WORLD. Gastric distress never tasted so bland.
.r.v.
madge
>
>
> -- K.
>
> My article, and all
> material it quotes,
> is Copyright (C) 2005
> James "Kibo" Parry
> and if you read this
> sentence all the way
> to the end, you waive
> your right to not
> send me candy.
I'm waving Candy at you right now
http://www.baconheights.org/university/photos/monahan/john---candy-034.jpg
--
**********
* >@< >@<*
* >@< >@<* Box of John Candy for Kibo
* >@< >@<*
**********
James Kibo Parry
[www.mercurynews.com]
->
-> Finger-finder decides not to sue
->
-> By Linda Goldston
-> Mercury News
->
-> The Las Vegas woman who said she found a 1 1/2-inch chunk of
-> finger in a bowl of chili at a San Jose Wendy's has decided not to
-> pursue legal action against the restaurant chain, and her attorney
-> has withdrawn from the case.
"I've dropped my baseless lawsuit over the finger I put in my own chili.
That means I'm no longer a liar, right?"
-> But Anna Ayala's decision does not end the police investigation
-> into how the finger got into the chili. In a strange twist, the
-> news came on the same day the Mercury News learned of a late
-> February incident in Pahrump, Nev., in which a spotted leopard bit
-> off part of a finger -- about 1 1/2-inch worth -- of a woman who
-> had been keeping the exotic cat and other animals.
->
-> The finger was reportedly not reattached, and San Jose police said
-> they are investigating whether it is linked to the case.
"Reportedly not reattached"? One would think there would be little
doubt about its status, unless the woman had it reattached but kept
doing an impression of Dick Van Dyke entering the Twylo Zone.
-> Jeffrey Janoff, the San Jose attorney who represented Ayala until
-> Tuesday, said his client was dropping her claim against Wendy's
-> because ``this has caused her great emotional distress and
-> continues to be difficult emotionally.''
"Lying is hard!"
-> Citing attorney-client privilege, Janoff would not say why he
-> withdrew from the case. But he said his statement had nothing to
-> do with the incident in Pahrump, which is about 45 miles southeast
-> of Las Vegas.
Maybe the finger is all that's left of Jack Black after he got blasted
by Martians in Pahrump in that really bad movie with the best cast ever
except without enough Jack Black.
Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson's identical twin, Glenn Close,
Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short,
Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Rod Steiger, Tom Jones,
Jim Brown, Lukas Haas, Natalie Portman, Pam Grier, Lisa Marie,
Sylvia Sidney, Jack Black, Paul Winfield, Rance Howard,
Christina Applegate, Joe Don Baker, and a script consisting
of a handful of old trading cards.
-> Denny Lynch, vice president of communications for Wendy's, learned
-> of the Nevada incident and news that Ayala will not sue from the
-> Mercury News but declined comment. He said, however, the reward
-> hotline Wendy's established will remain open to receive tips.
"Tips", eh? "Give them the finger", eh? "Pun-like newspaper
moment", eh? "Not funny", eh?
-> [...]
->
-> Attempts to reach Ayala for comment were unsuccessful; the former
-> San Jose resident did not answer her phone. But in an earlier
-> interview, Ayala became incensed at any suggestion that finger
-> might have been planted in the chili.
If she didn't plant it, why is she still spreading fertilizer?
-> The Mercury News learned about the incident in Nevada after
-> receiving a call on Tuesday morning from an
-> exotic-animal-sanctuary owner.
->
-> ``What are the odds?'' said Carol Asvestas, director of the Wild
-> Animal Orphanage in San Antonio, who was among several people who
-> saw the leopard bite off part of Sandy Allman's finger on Feb. 23.
-> Asvestas had gone to Allman's to rescue several exotic animals at
-> Allman's request, she said.
->
-> Allman did not return phone calls from the Mercury News on
-> Tuesday.
Poor Mercury News! Nobody takes their phone calls! Hey, Merc,
you can call me any time. I can make up all sorts of great stuff
you can print. Did you know that I found an 11.99-inch-long
finger in my chili? Scientists are unable to determine whether
it's a foot!
-> Asvestas said she had not thought about the incident until Tuesday
-> morning, when a friend e-mailed her a copy of a photo of the
-> finger found in the chili on March 22.
"HA HA, YOU LOST YOUR FINGER, LOOK, SOMEONE ATE A FINGER, IMAGINE
SHE'S EATING YOUR FINGER, HA HA, LOVE, YOUR FRIEND."
-> Asvestas reported the information Tuesday morning to the Wendy's
-> hotline. San Jose police confirmed Tuesday afternoon that they are
-> investigating.
->
-> A visual examination of the photo taken of Allman's finger and a
-> photo of the finger Ayala said she found in the bowl of chili
-> shows them to be similar and about the same length.
"Similar" to what extent? Does this mean neither is doughnut-shaped?
-> Both finger parts have ragged edges where the fingers were detached.
Oh no! All the lettuce in my salad is actually a human finger!
-> But it would take a DNA test to determine if the finger in the
-> bowl of chili is the finger that used to be on Allman's hand, said
-> Capt. Bob Dixon of the Santa Clara County Sheriff-Coroner's Office.
And then they'll let her have it back so she can get it reattached.
-> Dixon said the finger found in the bowl of chili ``has been cut up
-> and sent out for tests'' but that the finger ``clearly was not a
-> clean cut. It was kind of jagged.''
I hope they packed the chopped-up finger in something other than the
original cup which said "TASTY CHILI INSIDE".
-> ``Somebody might be able to say it looks the same but
-> scientifically to say it's the same, you'd have to do DNA
-> testing,'' he said.
Split the difference. Just look at the two strands of DNA with the
naked eye and see whether they look the same.
-> On the day the leopard bit off part of Allman's finger, Allman had
-> just told Asvestas and others that the animals were safe to touch,
-> Asvestas said.
Oompa, loompa, doop-a-dee-doo, I've got an irony for you,
You're not very bright and you deserved to get your finger eaten
by a dangerous wild animal you were trying to get other people
to touch-a-dee-doo!
-> ``She was introducing us to each animal. The last words out
-> of Sandy's mouth were, `These are my babies. They would never
-> hurt me.'''
"I'm smarter than a wild cat therefore the cats can never prove me wrong!"
-> Cindy Carroccio, director of the Austin Zoo, was with Asvestas.
-> Carroccio said it was her boyfriend who spotted the finger in the
-> bottom of Anthony's cage. Asvestas, a former nurse, was trying to
-> stop the bleeding on Allman's hand.
->
-> ``He saw it, fished it out with a stick and brought it to me in a
-> Kleenex,'' she said. ``We washed it off and took a photo of it.''
->
-> Carroccio and Asvestas were not sure why the finger could not be
-> re-attached to Allman's hand.
->
-> But the medical clinic where she was treated ``gave it back to her
-> in a little bag of ice,'' Carroccio said.
Here the article ends, without any explanation as to why the loser of
the finger thinks her finger might have been used by some bozette to
try to grift money out of Wendy's.
It's like a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered with lame hot sauce.
-- K.
Dear news media,
SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP
TMG
> Another chilifingertastic news flash.
> "Reportedly not reattached"? One would think there would be little
> doubt about its status, unless the woman had it reattached but kept
> doing an impression of Dick Van Dyke entering the Twylo Zone.
I thought that was thumbs. Or walnuts.
Probably not all that important.
James Kibo Parry
she could fool people into thinking a finger teleported into her
chili all by itself:
[cbs5.com]
->
-> Las Vegas resident Anna Ayala is facing two felony charges in
-> connection with the piece of human finger found last month in a
-> bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant in San Jose, according to
-> court documents.
->
-> Ayala is charged with one felony count of attempted grand theft
-> and one felony count of grand theft, according to the documents.
What about Attempted Pretend Cannibalism? Surely that's good for something!
-> If convicted of both charges she faces a maximum possible penalty
-> of six years, two months in prison, Santa Clara County Assistant
-> District Attorney Karyn Sinunu said.
I wonder what she'll be able to find in the prison's chili?
-> Ayala was arrested on Thursday in Las Vegas and is currently in
-> custody there awaiting extradition to Santa Clara County.
->
-> Sinunu said residents should feel safe about eating at Wendy's
-> restaurants.
->
-> "Our heart goes out to the victim,'' Sinunu said. "We are
-> encouraging America to eat at Wendy's.''
And I encourage all public officials to encourage everyone in the country
to stuff their faces full of cheap junk food. Damn the USDA and their
confusing new twelve-sided, unlabeled, poorly-drawn nutrition pyramid!
Everyone should just eat at Wendy's all the time!
[www.mercurynews.com]
=>
=> ``Wendy's has the money, and they can destroy a little person,'' a
=> woman at Ayala's house who said she was her sister, but declined
=> to give her name said early Thursday. ``What if my sister was a
=> white man in a suit? The whole nation would have been sympathetic,
=> but she's a little Latina.''
Yep, the whole nation would have been sympathetic because the whole
nation is composed entirely of white men. Therefore, by your own
argument, you and your sister don't even exist! Ha! You just
reverse-discriminated yourself out of existence!
Unless, of course, the laws of physics make it possible for someone
to be Hispanic and an asshole at the same time. It's either that or
the two of you don't exist. Choose wisely...
=> The woman said Ayala did not want to talk publicly because ``she
=> just wants to get better. Emotionally. That's all that's important
=> right now, family.''
=>
=> Ever since Ayala said she found the finger in her chili at Wendy's
=> on Monterey Road in San Jose, ``they've dragged her through the
=> mud,'' her sister said, adding that Ayala's daughter can't attend
=> school because she is taunted by her classmates.
Well, she should've thought of that before she chose an asshole
to be her mother.
=> The sister also said Ayala's story has not changed since the
=> beginning -- and would not change.
Now, is "the beginning" when she took the corpse's finger, or
when she put it in the chili, or when she flunked out of
Remedial Scam School 101?
=> ``The facts will always be the same,'' she said. ``But the way
=> they handled it, the way the police put a gun to my niece's head
=> when the search warrant was served -- they have destroyed my
=> sister and her family. God will not leave it like this.''
I'm sorry, but Wendy's is not part of God's domain.
God only makes the food at White Castle.
-- K.
God would never make
lame chili.
When God makes chili,
he uses _three_ kinds
of canned beans, and
the secret ingredient
is extra MSG.
James Kibo Parry
[www.ft.com]
->
-> Woman arrested in Wendy's chili finger case
->
-> By Jonathan Birchall in New York
->
-> Wendy's, the US fast-food chain, said on Friday it was "thrilled"
-> by the arrest of a 39-year-old woman who had sought to sue the
-> company after claiming to have found a fingertip in a bowl of hot
-> beef chili.
What would be even more thrilling for them would be if the cops
also tortured her. Like, they could strap her down and force-feed
her watery chili until she dies of flavorlessness.
It could be like "Titicut Follies" except more like "Fingercut Follies".
-> The woman, Anna Ayala, has been charged with attempted theft over
-> the case, which set a new standard for surrealism in America's
-> litigation-prone society.
Whoops! This means I'm going to have to replace the seven-volume
Official Government Standards For The Manufacture Of Surrealism
I bought last month. Damn, it's so hard to keep my surrealism in
compliance with all appropriate standards! Do you know how much
defective surrealism I have to throw out?
-> The company's shares dropped almost 10 per cent in late March
-> after Ms Ayala said she had bitten into one of two finger
-> fragments, together measuring about 1 1/2 inches long with a
-> manicured nail, in San Jose, California. Sales at the company's
-> restaurants in the San Francisco Bay area fell by about 30 per
-> cent, leading to staff cuts and reduced hours.
Here's your headline: STAFF CUTS INVOLVING LOSS OF FINGER
Or is that too obvious?
Gotta go, my dinner is ready. I'm having real food. Food which,
unlike Wendy's chili, wouldn't become _more_ flavorful if I stuck
a dirty finger into it.
-- K.
Are "Titicut Follies"
references in bad taste?
Otto Bahn
> Here's your headline: STAFF CUTS INVOLVING LOSS OF FINGER
That could be infectious.
--oTTo--
David DeLaney
>-> "Our heart goes out to the victim,'' Sinunu said. "We are
>-> encouraging America to eat at Wendy's.''
>
>And I encourage all public officials to encourage everyone in the country
>to stuff their faces full of cheap junk food. Damn the USDA and their
>confusing new twelve-sided, unlabeled, poorly-drawn nutrition pyramid!
>Everyone should just eat at Wendy's all the time!
I'm just really surprised the journalist could resist the "And our fingers
go out to..." followup line.
Dave "fingers out to mah homies?" DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.
James Kibo Parry
every single little new detail of the World's Stupidest News Story About
Chili So Far This Year.
[www.sfgate.com]
->
-> [...]
->
-> Anna Ayala, 39, was arrested at her Las Vegas home Thursday night
-> on a charge of felony attempted grand theft, including a penalty
-> enhancement for inflicting more than $2.5 million in losses on
-> Wendy's. The chain says its sales have plummeted since Ayala
-> reported chomping down on a bit of severed finger in a bowl of
-> chili at a San Jose Wendy's one month ago today.
"Penalty enhancement". I like that phrase. It's like if hockey
had lasers that could stop a fight by vaporizing people. Cool!
-> Ayala was also charged with felony grand theft in an unrelated
-> case, for allegedly swindling a Spanish-speaking woman out of
-> $11,000 by "selling" her a San Jose mobile home that Ayala didn't
-> own between September 2002 and November 2003.
->
-> Ayala could face more than six years in prison if convicted.
But will it be regular prison or enhanced prison?
-> [...]
->
-> Family friend Ken Bono said officers raided Ayala's home around 9
-> p.m. and caught Ayala alone as she was watching "Meet the Fockers"
-> on video.
->
-> "I had just left to get some soda at the store, and when I came
-> back she was gone and there were cars from the (Las Vegas and San
-> Jose) police," said Bono, 23, who lives with Ayala.
Now this is reporting! Irrelevant details such as the fact that she
chose to watch a Ben Stiller movie with inadequate soda! That's what
makes these articles come alive! From now on, I want all other
newspaper articles to tell me what mediocre movies people are watching
while they're being arrested for being stupid.
Hey, was it Ben Stiller's finger?
-- K.
I heard she came up with
her genius chili plan while
watching "Heavyweights".