The Return of CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Jaffo
NOTE: After a recent conversation with someone who has seen Matt
McIrvin naked, I have decided to stop posting original material and
repost something from 1997, when I was funny.
A plucky gang of young teenagers has infiltrated a TOP SEKRUT SUPER
VILLAIN COMPOUND to try and rescue their hero and *ahem* MENTOR,
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS from the SADISTIC CLUTCHES of QUEEN OBSCURE!
KID #1 - The good-looking Aryan leader kid.
KID #2 - The brainy, nerdy kid with glasses and freckles.
KID #3 - The token female kid, blond, with rosey cheeks.
KID #4 - The token black kid, attractive, but bland.
KID #5 - The fat kid that everyone is supposed to feel sorry for.
Together, they form THE OBVITEERS!
KID #1: C'mon fellows, we have to break into QUEEN OBSCURE'S LAIR and
rescue Our Hero and Mentor, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
KID #4: Yeah, c'mon guys, let's go rescue CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
KID #3: Tee hee. *Giggle*
The KIDS run across the field towards the COMPOUND. The fat kid is
lagging far behind. He trips over a rock and falls down. KID #4
helps him up and they keep running.
Finally, the KIDS reach the compound, a sturdy structure made of large
quantities of solid steel. The KIDS hide in broad daylight, just
around the corner from the entrance. Security cameras sweep back and
forth over the area, but by squeezing REALLY TIGHT and remaining
PERFECTLY STILL against the walls, they avoid them all.
KID #1 peeks around to make sure no one is watching, and the kids run
right through the front door. They think they are UNDETECTED, but
SUDDENLY, they are SURROUNDED, by a dozen EVIL CYBORGS!
CYBORG #1: Stop right there, Obviteers! You thought you could sneak
by our defenses? You really think we would be deceived by such an
OBVIOUS approach! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
KID #3: Oh no, we're TRAPPED! What are we going to do?
KID #2: WAIT! I think I have an idea! All of these cyborgs are
connected, so if I just take this wire on this guy's leg here and plug
it into this LIGHT SOCKET, they should all fall down!
KID #1: Great idea, Brainy! But who do we send to grab the wire? It
could be VERY DANGEROUS!
All the kids turn in unison and stare at Kid #4. After a long moment
of silence...
KID #4: Okay, I'll do it. Why do I always get the dangerous jobs?
KID #1: Well, there's a chance you'll get hurt, and I have to stay
healthy to lead the team.
KID #4: (grumbling) Okay.
KID #2: Okay, just go grab this WIRE off the CYBORG's leg and bring
it back here to me. Then I'll plug it into the light socket.
KID #4: Why can't I just plug it into the light socket?
KID #2: You're not certified to operate a light socket. Union rules.
KID #1: Hurry up, we've done 3 minutes of exposition already! The
bad guys have to react soon!
KID #4 shrugs and crawls forward.
Somehow, the CYBORGs manage to COMPLETELY IGNORE the kid crawling
across the floor right in front of them while KID #1 distracts them.
KID #1: So, what's it like being cyborgs?
CYBORG #1: Ha! We won't tell you! You forget, foolish child, we are
agents of QUEEN OBSCURE! We never explain ANYTHING! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
KID #2: Oh yeah, then why did you explain who you were working for?
A long pause insues, while the CYBORGS look around confused, caught in
KID #2's clever LOGIC TRAP. SPARKS begin to fly from their ears,
completely distracting them while KID #4 crawls forward and takes a
wire from one of their legs.
We enjoy a moment of tension while KID #4 crawls across the floor
holding the wire. The camera flashes to KID #5, with beads of sweat
all over his face. Then we see KID #3 holding both hands in front of
her mouth to simulate stress. Somebody in the audio department cues
the GENERIC TENSION MUSIC and everybody kills 2 more minutes of air
time.
Finally, KID #4 gets back with the wire and hands it to KID #2.
KID #2 reaches into his BACKPACK OF TECHNICAL GADGETS and produces a
pair of fancy, futuristic WIRE CUTTERS. He STRIPS the wire and
carries it over to the LIGHT SOCKET.
Then, he turns to his friends and says:
KID #2: Look out! This wire will soon be pulsing with DEADLY
ELECTRICITY!
KID #1: Will this be enough to kill all the cyborgs?
KID #2: I don't know if the voltage will be high enough! I may have
to use some AMPS as well!
KID #3: Oh please hurry, Brainy, we have to SAVE CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
(KID #3 bursts into tears.)
KID #2 frowns, concentrates, and inserts the wire into the light
socket. Enormous BLUE BOLTS of ELECTRICITY course down the wire to the
first CYBORG. He starts to pulse with electricity. He screams and
falls down into a heap of lifeless metal! The ELECTRIC ARC SURGES
from one Cyborg to another, KILLING all of them!
Soon, the room is quiet, except for the popping and zapping of the
residual electricity. All the cyborgs are disabled!
KID #3: That was a great idea, Brainy! Where did you learn so much
about ELECTRICITY?
KID #2: I saw Tom Perras do this on VOYAGER last week! He took out a
whole Borg ship this way!
KID #3: Boy those guys on VOYAGER are REALLY SMART! And so are you,
Brainy!
KID #3 blinks her BIG PRETTY EYES at KID #2. KID #2 looks nervous and
uncomfortable.
KID #2: Uh, we'd better go rescue CAPTAIN OBVIOUS...or something.
KID #1: Right! Come on, everybody! Let's go rescue CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
KIDS (All): Yea!
The KIDS scamper down one of the LONG, CAVERNOUS hallways and KID #2
points to a DOOR.
KID #2: There! That should be OBVIOUS!
KID #5: What do you mean obvious? That door's not even marked! How
can it be obvious when there's nothing written on the door?
KID #2: No, Fatty! I didn't mean that the door should be obvious! I
meant that there, IN THAT ROOM, it should be OBVIOUS, get it?
KID #5: But you don't make any sense! How can it be OBVIOUS when
there's nothing written on the door!
KID #2: No, I didn't mean it like that! I meant, there, in that
room, it should be OBVIOUS!
KID #5: But....
KID #3: (Interrupting) Stop it! Stop it, both of you! Can't you see
these synonyms are tearing us apart! (Sobs uncontrollably.)
KID #1 steps forward and COMFORTS KID #3.
KID #4 opens THE DOOR and reveals a dark, dank, but still hi-tech,
DUNGEON.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS is hanging on the wall, handcuffed at his hands and
feet. ANOTHER SUPERHERO is hanging to his RIGHT. And then, even
farther to the RIGHT is some gay guy.
ANOTHER SUPERHERO raises his battered head and says: Quickly
Planeteers, you must undo my cuffs so I can thwart Microcroft's EVIL
PLAN to POISON THE ENVIRONMENT!
KID #4: Hey, we're not PLANETEERS, you jerk! We've OBVITEERS, and
we're here to save CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
KID #5: Yeah, it's not our fault if your band of plucky teenagers
isn't as smart as HIS band of plucky teenagers!
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS raises his weary head and says: Thank God you've
come, OBVITEERS! You have to release me from these handcuffs. But
first we must have THE KEY!
KEY #4 looks around, confused: But where is THE KEY?
HIDEOUS MOCKING LAUGHTER echoes from somewhere behind the OBVITEERS!
QUEEN OBSCURE appears from out of the shadows, holding THE KEY!
QUEEN OBSCURE: You foolish children! Did you really think you could
rescue CAPTAIN OBVIOUS from my clutches?
KID #5: Duh! Of course we did! Otherwise we wouldn't have tried!
Isn't that obvious?
QUEEN OBSCURE: Silence FATBOY! There will be no explaining of jokes
in MY dungeon!
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: You can't win, QUEEN OBSCURE! The world needs me!
Usenet needs me! Don't you see? Usenet is getting more complicated
every day! Young people are bombarded with MILLIONS of pop culture
references every day! They can't possibly understand them all!
Someone must come to their rescue! Someone must explain these jokes,
or they'll be CHAOS!
QUEEN OBSCURE: You fool! You'll upset the entire COSMIC BALANCE!
Those jokes are MEANT to be secret! We can't let JUST ANYONE
understand our subtle in-jokes and 1983 culture references! Don't you
see, you'll blow the whole deal! If EVERYBODY understands these
jokes, we won't be SPECIAL anymore! If these little Usenet pukes want
jokes, they should MAKE UP THEIR OWN! I can't let some clueless
do-gooder like you come in and give away all our best material! We
need that power, don't you see? Without our OBSCURITY, we are
NOTHING!
KID #4: You twisted bitch! You die now!
KID #1 restrains KID #4!
KID #1: Hey, watch the language Ron, this is a family show!
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: You'll never win, OBSCURE! The world is CRYING OUT
for these jokes to be explained. Someone will come along and explain
them. You can crush me, but you can never destroy the principles I
stand for!
QUEEN OBSCURE: God, that really sucks! Who wrote this crap?
CAPTAIN PLANET: Even my show has better writing than this.
ALL (In Unison): SHUT UP!
CAPTAIN PLANET hangs his head meekly and tugs at his handcuffs.
KID #1: We can't defeat her by ourselves, we have to COMBINE our
power! Everyone, use your POWER RINGS!
The KIDS form a circle and extend their arms toward the center. As
they shout the name of their power, a brightly colored BEAM OF POWER
shoots toward the center of the circle.
KID #1: Definition!
KID #2: Context!
KID #3: Vocabulary!
KID #4: FAQs!
KID #5: Donuts!
Everyone turns and GLARES at KID #5. He grins sheepishly.
KID #5: Just kidding. ARCHIVES!
A blazing, rainbow-colored HAMMER emerges from the center of the
circle, pulsing with OBVIOUS POWER!
The HAMMER floats over to QUEEN OBSCURE and BONKS her ON THE HEAD!
She screams and falls down. The key slides out of her hand, coming to
rest right in front of KID #1.
KID #1 grabs the key and quickly releases CAPTAIN OBVIOUS from his
handcuffs.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: Very good, children! You have used THE POWER OF
OBVIOUS to rescue me from the CLUTCHES OF QUEEN OBSCURE!
KID #2: But who are these other people? I recognize CAPTAIN PLANET,
but who's the gay guy?
KID #3: Oh my God, it's BRIAN BOYTANO!
BRIAN BOYTANO: Hi kids.
ALL KIDS (In unison): Hi Brian!
KID #5: Hey Brian, you want us to let you go?
BRIAN BOYTANO: No, that's okay. The kids from South Park are on the
way. They should have been here 20 minutes ago. Carmen probably made
them stop at Taco Hut. That fat fuck.
KID #1: Okay Brian! Good luck getting rescued!
BRIAN BOYTANO: No problem, kids. You be good now.
ALL KIDS: We will!
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS winks slyly at BRIAN BOYTANO.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: Well, I guess that's it for this episode! Usenet is
safe again!
EVERYONE walks to the door, ready to leave the room.
KID #5: Oh, wait a minute, I forgot something.
KID #5 runs up and PUNCHES CAPTAIN PLANET in the GUT.
KID #5: Take that, pigfucker!
BRIAN BOYTANO: Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
THE END
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS - Matt McIrvin
KID #1 - Andy Damick
KID #2 - Nick Bensema
KID #3 - Darla
KID #4 - 'Jesse' Garon
KID #5 - Jaffo
QUEEN OBSCURE - Kia Mennie
CAPTAIN PLANET - Bob Hope
And BRIAN BOYTANO as Himself.
--
All I ask is equal freedom. When it is denied, as it always is,
I take it anyhow. -- H.L. Mencken, 1880-1956
Nick S Bensema
In article <3578fefd...@news.onramp.net>,
Jaffo <noo...@onramp.net> wrote:
>NOTE: After a recent conversation with someone who has seen Matt
>McIrvin naked, I have decided to stop posting original material and
>repost something from 1997, when I was funny.
And from when you couldn't spell Boitano, Cartman, or Parris.
If you had fixrd some other mistakes but left those alone, you'd be
just like the people who made my systems analysis textbook. Who
cares if sentences are half a page long? Yourdon has ALL THESE NEW
RULES and we have to put them in a TABLE!
--
Nick Bensema <ni...@primenet.com> 98-KUPD Red Card #710563 UIN: 2135445
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