I apologize for all the recent cultural obscurantism.
James Kibo Parry
I think it's a new shape of dehydrated pasta or something. In any case,
Dennis Miller just phoned me to say that I had used too much of it lately.
So, in an effort to make everything crystal-clear, I am offering to explain
any one (1) recent article (this offer is limited to articles by me, not
by Kurt Stocklmeir). Please nominate an article of mine for such dissection,
and I will do the article which is suggested by the ninth caller.
-- K.
True fact: Tonight on my TV, in a
full-color episode of "The Andy Griffith
Show", Opie went to a party where they
danced the frug.
Was that before or after he started
on "Happy Days"?
C.F. V jnf bevtvanyyl tbvat gb rapelcg guvf ragver negvpyr jvgu EBG-13,
ohg V svtherq gung jbhyq or cbvagyrff orpnhfr abobql xabjf ubj
gb ernq vg nal zber.
Beable van Polasm
>
> Even though I don't really know what "cultural obscurantism" is.
> I think it's a new shape of dehydrated pasta or something. In any case,
> Dennis Miller just phoned me to say that I had used too much of it lately.
> So, in an effort to make everything crystal-clear, I am offering to explain
> any one (1) recent article (this offer is limited to articles by me, not
> by Kurt Stocklmeir). Please nominate an article of mine for such dissection,
> and I will do the article which is suggested by the ninth caller.
Please explain that big WeBTv article. And make fun of DoctorAaron
and MikeO while you do it.
> C.F. V jnf bevtvanyyl tbvat gb rapelcg guvf ragver negvpyr jvgu EBG-13,
> ohg V svtherq gung jbhyq or cbvagyrff orpnhfr abobql xabjf ubj
> gb ernq vg nal zber.
Huh? What's that say then?
cheers
Beable van Polasm
--
Juan Antonio Samaranch: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.
Audience: OI! OI! OI!
Juan Antonio Samaranch: Well done.
Dann Corbit
news:kibo-07050...@ppp0b152.std.com...
[snip]
> C.F. V jnf bevtvanyyl tbvat gb rapelcg guvf ragver negvpyr jvgu EBG-13,
> ohg V svtherq gung jbhyq or cbvagyrff orpnhfr abobql xabjf ubj
> gb ernq vg nal zber.
Surely Crgre Jvyyneq can.
--
C-FAQ: http://www.eskimo.com/~scs/C-faq/top.html
"The C-FAQ Book" ISBN 0-201-84519-9
C.A.P. FAQ: ftp://cap.connx.com/pub/Chess%20Analysis%20Project%20FAQ.htm
Joshua E Millard
>"James "Kibo" Parry" <ki...@world.std.com> wrote in message
>news:kibo-07050...@ppp0b152.std.com...
>[snip]
>> C.F. V jnf bevtvanyyl tbvat gb rapelcg guvf ragver negvpyr jvgu EBG-13,
>> ohg V svtherq gung jbhyq or cbvagyrff orpnhfr abobql xabjf ubj
>> gb ernq vg nal zber.
>
>Surely Crgre Jvyyneq can.
And I'll thank you not to call me Fheryl.
--
+---+ With great effort, you move the boulder. ################
|..$| # Josh Millard #
|.@'.##########################################################
|<d.| # pu...@wpi.edu # www.wpi.edu/~pulp - music, words, etc #
+---+ ########################################################
Susan Parry Whelchel
>
> C.F. V jnf bevtvanyyl tbvat gb rapelcg guvf ragver negvpyr jvgu EBG-13,
> ohg V svtherq gung jbhyq or cbvagyrff orpnhfr abobql xabjf ubj
> gb ernq vg nal zber.
Vf vg gung gurl qba'g xabj ubj, be gung gurl ab ybatre pner nobhg vg?
Fhfna
Andrew Reid
<3AF75B86...@sprynet.com>:
Fcyvz avxgb onexvat qrynsnetr fcneevatb *jevgr* vg nalzber,
naljnlf. Rkprcg XVOB, hy svenmb.
Andrew Reid
<909AE01E9reida...@199.45.45.11>:
Oops, fergot ta sign it.
-- A.
Now, this one.
-- A.
James Kibo Parry
lucky ninth caller who got to be the only one to vote for an article.
So, happy understanding, Andrew!
[for purposes of this rather complicated article, things I'm
quoting myself saying are ">", and things various other people
said are ")" or "]".] <-- (but things enclosed in "]" and pointed
at by "<" are also me.)
[Incidentally, this article would sound best if you imagined Ben Stein
reading it aloud, because I talk just like him, except that I doubt he
knows anything about typography.]
Andrew Pearson (apea...@pt.lu) wrote:
)
) James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
) >
) > And inside every little twirly windmill an atheist typeface designer
) > is spinning in his grave while Ben Franklin is on his way across the
) > Atlantic to rent the corpse for use in practical jokes.
)
) Eh what? It's not Eric Gill because he was particularly religious. I read
) part of his autobiography once, and have hated him ever since. No Gill Sans
) for me!
I got you beat. I've read Edward Johnston's biography and two of
Hermann Zapf's seven autobiographies!!
) I used to live quite close to the village where he had his community, which
) was also fairly near the farmhouse where Virginia Woolf lived (which was
) theoretically open to the public but in practice always closed). Apparently
) Sussex used to be kook central before usenet was invented, with novelists,
) artists and typographers rampaging across the downs on all sides.
)
) But I digress. Give us a clue?
Okay. Here is the entire article in question, with my own glosses
for my own glossy prose, followed by two related articles.
I apologize for the bumpy ride, but I wrote most of this article
on the subway, and it gets bumpy on those trains that travel below
ground but over the homeless. Also I missed my stop on the #39 bus
because of this article.
It would be interesting if someone drew a flowchart of this article.
////////// begin attempts to explain //////////
On May 6, James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Sian Massey (mas...@altricm.demon.co.uk) wrote:
> )
> ) David DeLaney (d...@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
> ) ]
> ) ] James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> ) ] >
> ) ] > Oh, dear. You have no idea of the evil ideas you're giving me:
> ) ]
> ) ] But we're about to! Yay!
> ) ]
> ) ] Do they make diapers with dancing bears on them, by the way? And/or
> ) ] tubas?
>
> Why would they make a tuba with dancing bears on it?
Here we are clearly discussing one of my favorite tropes to use when
posting followups to silly articles: The dancing bears who parade
around whenever I can't think of anything to say because any other
possible response would be too obvious, or when the thing in question
was too silly for me to be able to respond to it like a normal human.
So sometimes you may see "The Dancing Bears Of Obviousness", and
other times you may see "The Dancing Bears Of 'Hey, Kurt Stocklmeir
Is Talking About Being Forced To Disco Against His Will'" although
I don't know which of the two is represented by the above.
The dancing bears are sort of my all-purpose "Unable to proceed
from this point, so I will PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS!"
(The latter, of course, is a reference to Bob Hope's movie
"Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!", in which his tool shed has a
rope hanging from the ceiling with a big sign saying "PULL ROPE
TO DROP WALLS", and you'd never guess what happens next!)
> Dancing bears belong on things like old-fashioned swim caps. The ones
> they wore in the olden days, with the chin strap with the buckle the size
> of an eight-track cassette. And on the cap each little bear is wearing
> their own tiny swim cap with a tiny giant buckle!
I respectfully decline to explain this one because if you could have
gotten the reference you would have already, unless your cat knocked
the key to your handcuffs under the sofa.
> ) YES!!! I am happy to say that here in the UK our childrens' nappies
> ) have dancing bears holding little twirly windmills on them.
>
> And inside every little twirly windmill an atheist typeface designer
> is spinning in his grave while Ben Franklin is on his way across the
> Atlantic to rent the corpse for use in practical jokes.
>
> DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY OF DELIBERATELY OBSCURE ARTSY-FARTSY CULTURAL
> REFERENCES ABOUT LONG-DEAD TYPOGRAPHERS: 0.99! (Not even Umberto Eco
> has ever achieved more than 0.93!)
Okay, here's the big story. I think I've told this before, but it
clearly hasn't propagated to Andrew over there in .lu (LutheranLand?*)
so I'll tell it again.
John Baskerville was a self-made man and artisan of the highest caliber,
circa the time of the American Revolution. He lived in Birmingham,
England. At the time, most printers in England or those newfangled
"United States" were using William Caslon's typeface. This was in the
days before you could mail-order thousands of fonts from a catalog,
pretty much everyone used the same style until tastes changed.
Everyone either used Caslon, or cheap knockoffs cast from molds
made from Caslon fonts, or cheaper knockoffs of the knockoffs.
Anyway, Baskerville, being the Kubrickian control freak he was,
built his own printing press, invented his own kind of paper (the first
smooth white paper ever), invented his own ink to go with it, and...
horror of horrors... he... designed... his... own... typeface.
To the untrained eye, the Baskerville font seems only slightly different
from the Caslon font, but Baskerville's was just different enough
that even the untrained eye can see that Baskerville's is a little
cleaner, a little rounder, a little more sparkly. There was nothing
wrong with either man's design, and they were both variations on the
same theme, but one was New & Different.
Ben Franklin, being a typophile, had been corresponding with people
such as Giambattista Bodoni (who was way out on the avant-garde of
type design at the time) and Baskerville. Baskerville sent him a
specimen of his fancy-schmancy new typeface, and Franklin loved it.
But, when he showed it around town, the other Philadelphia printers
all hated it.... because everyone used Caslon, therefore Caslon was
perfect, and any improvement on it was BAD! So, Franklin took a
printed a sample of the Caslon typeface and showed it to people,
telling them, "Hey, here's a new typeface designed by MR. BASKERVILLE",
and they fell all over themselves complaining that it was horrible
and evil compared to Caslon's typeface, because people are bozos.
Especially people looking at typefaces. One guy, upon staring at
the mis-labelled authentic Caslon, told Franklin that his eyes
were suffering from "Baskerville pains".
Baskerville's type did go on to be world-famous -- and even became
the dominant form, albeit after Baskerville's death -- largely because
Baskerville printed some beautiful books with it. His combination
of his slick new typeface, bright smooth white paper, and sharper ink
allowed him to produce some really stunning-looking coffee-table
books, such as a giant Bible. However, there were still reactionary
people, such as the typographer who wrote something along the
lines of "Mr. Baskerville's types shall be the cause of the blinding
of all the people of the nation."
Baskerville eventually died (a natural death, unlike certain other
famous typeface designers I could mention**) and, when they read his
will, it said something about how he didn't believe in that God guy,
so they couldn't put him in the cemetery with the good Christians.
Instead, they propped him up inside a windmill in his back yard.
A while later, the windmill mysteriously caught fire and was damaged
enough that it had to be torn down, and his corpse became homeless.
Eventually he turned up in the back room of the village smithy
who charged people a pence or two to gawk at a mummified human corpse.
And now you know the REST of the story!
Oh, wait, I forgot the asterisks:
(* "Luther" was an early name for the character who eventually became
"H.R. Pufnstuf" -- except without arms -- but Sid & Marty Krofft had
to change the name of the show to something other than "Lutherland"
because the TV executives told them it sounded too much like "LutheranLand".)
(** Francesco Griffo, who cut the beautiful typeface that Aldus
Manutius used circa 1500 to print Pietro Bembo's writings, is
believed to have been hanged for the murder of his brother.
A.M. Cassandre -- whose real name I can't remember -- killed himself
after losing a typeface design contest to Adrian Frutiger. And
Hermann Zapf was nearly executed during World War II by Tunisians,
who captured him upon his release from a POW camp and couldn't
read his discharge papers, but fortunately he had learned a single
sentence in Arabic -- "A good man does not kill another good man" --
and so he was able to return to Germany. Incidentally, the others
in the Nazi army didn't respect him much because he spent the whole
war drawing pictures of flowers and practicing his calligraphy.)
...and I also forgot the part about Umberto Eco.
You see, Umberto Eco is a novelist (author of "The Name of the Rose"
and "Foucault's Pendulum") who writes densely (nothing happens for
the first 200 or so pages of "Foucault's Pendulum") and makes
references to lots of facts that most people won't know. (In other
words, he's exactly like me except dull.) "Foucault's Pendulum"
has an entire subtext about typeface designers, mostly those
from Renaissance Italy. You see, Pietro Bembo -- remember him from
asterisk number two? -- gave Aldus Manutius an ancient Greek coin
with a dolphin coiled around an anchor, and Aldus used this image
as his printer's mark, thus the colophon was invented (to the great
joy of those of us who want to know 500 years after the fact who
typeset what.) This mark was, of course, imitated by most of the
other printers of the day, and even some up to the present day,
because, as the Ben Franklin story shows, there are a lot of people
who are doing typography under the philosophy that change is bad
therefore plagiarism is good. This stuff about Bembo (who eventually
had a font named after him by Monotype, based on the one cut by
Griffo, the murderer) is important to following the secret hidden
other plot of "Foucault's Pendulum".
In fact, most of Umberto Eco's characters have names taken from
great typographers or typefaces. Sometimes they're disguised
slightly. For instance, "Belbo" in "Foucault's Pendulum"
represents Bembo, but this becomes obvious once the coin with
the dolphin and anchor shows up in the book. If you are a
postmodernist AND paranoiac AND typographer -- and let's face it,
that is the intended audience for this novel -- you can make up
some more associations which Eco probably didn't even intend, for
instance, the character of "Diotallevi" can be "Diotima", a typeface
by Gudrun Zapf von Hesse (Mrs. Hermann Zapf), although it's more
likely Eco was simply choosing the same Hebrew root word she did.
"The Name of the Rose" (which I haven't read) apparently features
a character named "Baskerville". So you see, that Baskerville
is the namesake the Scottish guy in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's
"The Hound Of The Baskervilles", which lets you get from Umberto Eco
to Arthur Conan Doyle in one simple surrealist association
(the way you make one of those, according to surrealist poet
Bill Knott, is you make two associations and then throw out the
middle one: "apple"->"taffy"->"puller" becomes "apple"--->"puller".)
So the above several pages are the simple explanation of my
sentence about how Ben Franklin pulling practical jokes, a typographer's
corpse, and the author of a novel about a conspiracy of printers
ties the windmill to Umberto Eco even better than Umberto Eco could.
And also I've already explained the bit where I tied Umberto Eco
to Arthur Conan Doyle even though I haven't even quoted it yet.
You have now learned more from this one alt.religion.kibology
article than you could from an entire season of "Win Ben Stein's Money",
and I haven't even started yet! Now back to the paragraph in question:
> ) No tubas though.
>
> That's because the people of the world would not be able to withstand
> THE TERROR OF TODDLER TUBAS AT TOIDY TIME!!!
>
> A film starring Billy Barty, the Hermine Midgets, and Linda Hunt.
>
> (0.78)
"The Terror of Tiny Town" was a classic all-midget film (before they
stopped making all-midget films and switched to making all-little-person
films.) Billy Barty was, of course, Hollywood's most famous and beloved
and accomplished little person (he was Sigmund The Sea Monster for
Sid & Marty Krofft, although I don't know if he was a Lutheran), the
Hermine Midgets were a troupe of midget who appeared in such exploitation
vehicles, and Linda Hunt's kinda like a shorter version of Rhoda's mom.
Linda Hunt was on "Space Rangers" with Clint Howard, who was on "Star Trek"
with a glass of pink grapefruit juice and a bald wig designed to make
him look like an alien midget, which was the opposite from the subsequent
episode "Miri" in which a little person played a child, and only partly
opposite to the episode "Plato's Stepchildren" in which a little person
played a little person. He was Michael Dunn, who was best known as
"Dr. Loveless" on "The Wild Wild West", before he was replaced by evil
Paul Williams as the son of Dr. Loveless in the TV-movie "The Wild Wild West
Revisited", and then by the top half of Kevin Kline in the movie
"Wild Wild West" because movies can no longer exploit little people by
telling us that midgets are evil, but it's still okay for all people
in wheelchairs to be evil. Incidentally, "The Terror of Tiny Town" was
much more entertaining than "Wild Wild West".
I don't recall whether Billy Barty was in "The Terror of Tiny Town",
but if he wasn't, he SHOULD have been! The film, incidentally,
starred Billy Curtis and someone named "Little Billy", which must
have been demeaning for him:
BILLY CURTIS: Hi, I'm Billy. What's your name?
LITTLE BILLY: Little Billy.
BILLY CURTIS: Ha ha you're short!
LITTLE BILLY: I wish the 20th century would hurry up and end
so that people will switch to picking on people
in wheelchairs!
BILLY CURTIS: And meet my friend, Benny Hill. He's gonna be
stealing your act as "Big Benny". And he'll
spend lots of time beating up a guy named
"Little Jackie Wright".
> ) I think we count as deadheads with children, because we went to
> ) the Dead's last UK concert. I'd be happy to buy childrens' stuff with
> ) dancing skeletons on. My older son would think that was cool.
>
> Must... resist... urge... to... link... "The Code Of The Dancing Men"...
> to... John... Baskerville... surrealist... segue... too... easy...
>
> (Narrowly avoided scoring 0.33, which would have put me in the Robert Fish
> category.) (0.84)
Ding! The time-reversed callback to the explanation of this line now pays
off! Now that the gun has been fired, I can hide it under Syd Field's armchair
with the imploding dynamite! Unless I make a mistake and hide it under
Syd Mead's armchair, which looks the same except for the hundreds of
unlabelled glowing pushbuttons glued all over it!
Eek, now I gotta explain that. But instead I'll get distracted and explain
that Robert L. Fish wrote a series of "Sherlock Holmes" parodies about
a guy named "Schlock Homes", har-har-har, Earth humor.
He is not to be confused with Edwin Carp, old-time radio raconteur most
famous for the poem about the man who attempted the thing that couldn't
be done. That poem was, of course, ripped off by Benny Hill, but that
is true of all other comedy of the first half of the 20th century.
You may recall Edwin Carp once performed it on "The Dick van Dyke Show",
which was originally conceived as a sitcom starring Carl Reiner, but
Reiner was replaced with van Dyke because Reiner was "too Jewish",
hence in another article I intimated that Rob "Meathead" Reiner was
the replacement for Larry Matthews, who played Richie Petrie (see, Meathead
was the son of the guy who was replaced by the father of Larry Matthews.)
You need to know this to get the reference I made to the Be operating
system. More later.
> ) He thinks clowns are scary, though, once again proving childrens' innate
> ) kibological nature.
>
> I don't think clowns are scary! Not as long as they keep their clothes on.
>
> -- K.
>
> Now, Blue Man Group, they're
> scary whether they're nude or not!
This is because I keep trying to convince people that once a year
Blue Man Group surprises the audience by just coming out on stage NAKED
with their bodies painted blue and exposing themselves a while, like the guy
in "Huckleberry Finn", but nobody ever believes me, just like they never
believe me when I claim that the three guys in Blue Man Group are not
the real ones but an officially-licensed Bozo-style franchise, because
Blue Man Group are performing nightly in Boston, Chicago, Las Vegas,
and several other cities at the same time.
At least Cirque de Soleil was honorable enough to give each of their
performing troupes different scripts and different titles for their
performances. They kind of had to, given that there are two different
Cirque de Soleils performing every night one block apart in Las Vegas.
But they charge more and don't even rise to the entertainment level of
Blue Man Group performing marshmallow fellatio.
Frankly, I prefer the Jordan's Furniture commercials. Now THAT's wit!
Incidentally, Cirque de Soleil's "O" is not to be confused with the
upcoming movie titled "O" which is not to be confused with "The Story
of O" which is not to be confused with Oprah's ego-tastical magazine,
"O", which got sued for being legally confused with another magazine
named "O" in a court of law, the latter featuring lots of photos
of women writhing around in strange shiny elastic outfits, while
Cirque de Soleil just features gender-ambiguous people writhing around
in strange shiny elastic outfits. And only one of the two has ever
featured pictures of bathing caps covered with little embossed
pictures of women wearing little bathing caps covered with little
embossed bathing caps.
////////// another article to be explained //////////
On April 20, James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> "Lulu" (hho...@hotmail.com) wrote:
> )
> ) James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> ) >
> ) > And IRAC's mobile data terminal, aka "Rover", is beyond pathetic.
> )
> ) How can you say that? If it weren't for Rover, Wonder Woman would
> ) never have been able to save that blonde girl who does her hair like
> ) Judy Strangis (aka Dynagirl) and has a photographic memory which enables
> ) her to do spectacularly at "Sea Wolf" (remember that arcade oldie?
> ) With the periscope?) and also to win big at blackjack, but then she
> ) stumbles into the room where the bad guys are and "sees too much"
> ) and they try to kill her but they can't because Rover and Wonder Woman
> ) save her! Rover rocks!
>
> But Rover couldn't climb stairs, so it was more pathetic than the
> average Dalek because it wasn't even armed with a fire extinguisher
> OR a toilet plunger.
>
> When my toilet clogs, if I have to choose between Rover and a Dalek,
> I'll hire the Dalek any day.
Okay, in the "Wonder Woman" TV series starring Lynda Carter (replacing
Cathy Lee Crosby, who was in the pilot) the show started out with her
fighting Nazis and the Japanese in the 1940s, but then when the show
hopped to another network after its first season suddenly she was in
the late 1970s. Lyle Waggoner didn't age a bit (they just claimed he
was his own son) but the show was otherwise updated with super-modern
technology, such as "IRAC", which was a computer represented by a
screen covered with black cardboard with some Lite Brite pegs stuck in
it and a single light bulb behind them, not to be confused with "ORAC",
the super-awesome computer from "Blake's 7" (spelled "Blakes7" onscreen)
which was a fishtank with random handfuls of perspex and Christmas
lights inside, not to be confused with "Slave", the other super-
awesome computer from "Blake's 7" made from two colanders.
IRAC's sidekick was "Rover", a crappy little robot dog that made
wheezing noises, not to be confused with "K.9" from "Doctor Who".
I think K.9 was not in any of the episodes featuring the evil Daleks,
which were evil mutant guys in wheelchairs with a bumpy shell around
them that made them look like big saltshakers. The Daleks, like all
super-evil alien invaders, were completely invulnerable except for
one large and obvious and easily-exploitable weakness: They couldn't
go up stairs. Also they went insane and exploded if you hung your
hat on their eyestalk. And they could only pick up objects that could
stick to their toilet plunger.
Lyle Waggoner was "Steve Trevor" on "Wonder Woman". He quit
"The Carol Burnett Show" to take that job, and so Carol Burnett
replaced him with Dick van Dyke. At the time, van Dyke was in
a serious career slump -- he was getting old but not old enough to
appeal to the elderly the way he does now, and also he had a bit
of a drinkie-drinkie problem, but it wasn't as funny as his
pretending to be drink on "The Dick van Dyke" show. There, he
was married to Mary Tyler Moore, who eventually got her own sitcom --
she was supposed to play a newly-divorced woman, but the network
insisted that it be changed to her being stood up at the altar,
because they thought we'd think she dumped Dick van Dyke and
apparently that would have been bad to have her be divorced from
the wrong fictional character. Then eventually, her character's
best friend, "Rhoda" (Valerie Harper) got her own spinoff, but
became progressively less Jewish, probably because the network
felt she had been contaminated by the Carl Reiner -> Dick van Dyke ->
Mary Tyler Moore -> Valerie Harper chain. However, her mother --
the giant version of Linda Hunt -- was allowed to remain Jewish
until she was on all those paper towel commercials, because everyone
knows that anti-Semites use lots of paper towels. (The modern KKK
makes their robes out of 'em for easy disposability and kinky
tear-off costume games.)
As far as Judy Strangis goes, she was an extremely over-the-top
"actress" who played "Electrawoman"'s sidekick "Dynagirl" in
"Electrawoman and Dynagirl", which was Sid & Marty Krofft's
"Batman" knockoff that they made after they said "Hey! Let's make
something like 'Batman' except with women, and this time, let's
make it RIDICULOUS!" It co-starred Norman Alden as "Frank", who
was drunk out of his mind in every scene, even though the character
wasn't written that way (working for Sid & Marty drives people to
the bottle. Perhaps Dick van Dyke secretly worked for them inside
one of the hats on "Lidsville".) They drove around in a car shaped
like a Pringle's chip, made from a gussied-up golf cart. As they
came out of that same Bronson Canyon cave that was used for the
REAL Batcave, the film was accelerated to double speed just like on
"Batman", with the effect of making the Electracar look like it was
going almost six miles an hour. Dynagirl was sort of like Robin only
dumber. Most of her dialogue was "ELECTRA-WOW!" or "ELECTRA-OH-NO!"
because she was Electra-Tarded. The other subtle difference between
this show and "Batman" was that between scenes, instead of a
Batman logo, they showed the word "EW" on the screen and all the
kids at home screamed, "EW!!!!" at the sight of Judy Strangis.
> ) > And let's face it, Lyle Waggoner's acting ability pales in comparison
> ) > to Burt Ward's.
> )
> ) But Lyle's teeth and eyes are twinklier than Burt's. Plus he did penance
> ) for his meager acting skills by serving time on "The Carol Burnett Show."
>
> That was before he was on "Wonder Woman". When he left to do "Wonder Woman",
> they replaced him with Dick Van Dyke. And I don't think Lyle Waggoner's
> painful existence on "The Carol Burnett Show" can be justified as penance
> for something he not only hadn't done yet and would result in the collateral
> damage of torturing poor Dick Van Dyke.
Also, Lyle Waggoner appeared with his whole head painted silvery-white in
"The Time Travellers", a movie more bozotic than, and funnier than,
"The Terror of Tiny Town", and not even for the fact that 90% of the
special effects were done through stage magic and 10% through repetition,
but because Lyle Waggoner's fellow highly-evolved bodypaint person was
a bald woman played by an actress named Poupee Gamin.
"The Time Travellers" is not to be confused with the stultifyingly dull
"Creation of the Humanoids", which Andy Warhol claimed was his favorite
movie because enjoyed tricking pretentious art fans into renting really
bad movies. It starred Dudley Manlove with his whole head painted
silvery-white as an overacting robot. You may recall him as the leading
overactor in "Plan 9 from Outer Space", in which he played "Eros".
Sadly, Dudley Manlove died before he and Lyle Waggoner could team up
as "Very White Man Group". (Their act would consist of eating black
marshmallows.)
> ) We must all be kind to Lyle.
>
> I would prefer to be kind to Dick Van Dyke, even if he may have gotten
> his job as a result of the network's anti-Semitism. "The Dick Van Dyke Show"
> reminds us that anti-Semitism has a wacky, zany side.
You know, if Hermann Zapf had tried just a little harder, he could have
gotten the rest of the Nazi army interested in calligraphy and then
instead of rounding up the Jews they would have just gone around forcing
everyone to use lots of swashes.
> -- K.
>
> I probably would have liked the
> original version of the show with
> Carl Reiner just as much. But if the
> network couldn't fire him for being
> "too Jewish" then they would have
> had to kick Woody Allen off the
> "What's My Line?" panel instead,
> and then the funniest part of "Everything
> You Always Wanted To Know About Sex"
> would never get made.
Woody Allen did indeed appear on "What's My Line?" in the days of black
and white television -- the Game Show Network aired one of those episodes
the day I wrote the above. His movie of "Everything You Always Wanted
To Know About Sex" contains a funny parody titled "What's My Perversion?"
in which the panelists ask basically the same questions. The segment
ends with Rabbi Chaim Baumel getting to live out his fantasy, which is
for a dominatrix to tie him up while he watches his wife eat pork on
network TV.
Whenever I write about wacko religious cults, I like to refer to
L. Ron Hubbard's "The Creation of Human Ability", which has much the same
picture on its dust jacket, except the woman is on stage instead of on
TV, and she's wearing a furry teddy bear costume while she's eating
the pork chop. Does this mean that Woody Allen is a Scientologist
slipping covert R-6 Bank Implant imagery into his ALLEGEDLY silly
movies in order send secret messages to the Operating Thetans in
the audience?
////////// a third article to explain //////////
On May 6, James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Joshua E Millard (pu...@WPI.EDU) wrote:
> )
> ) James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> ) >
> ) > everyone loves Bac*Os. <-- SARCASM. NOBODY USES BAC*OS.
> )
> ) Kibo Makes Baby Jean-Louis Gassee Cry!
>
> Hey! He was funny back when he was on "All In The Family"!
> Well, no he wasn't, but I'm sure he would have been if "All In The Family"
> had been funny and if he didn't have to stand behind Sally Struthers in
> every scene.
>
> LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY OF SEGUE: 0.97, PLUS EXTRA AGGRAVATION POINTS BECAUSE
> THE MISSING LINK IS BARBARA BAIN.
This has nothing to do with the dumb game show "The Missing Link",
which is exactly like "Survivor" plus "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"
only with a host more obnoxious than Regis Philbin and Jeff Probst combined.
Incidentally, Regis Philbin was in the "What's My Perversion?" sketch.
He also played the emperor in a 1993 version of "The Emperor's New Clothes",
in case you want to think about him being naked. BRRRRRR!
> -- K.
>
> Barbara Bain helps Kibo be
> surreal to make the Jewish
> Richie Petrie cry.
I believe I already explained this one in advance, so it's not obscure
at all. Except for the part about BeOS. Joshua was intimating that
BeOS sounded like Bac*Os, and as we all know, nobody uses either the
maroon aquarium gravel or the operating system that has the friendly
user interface of UNIX with the power of Mac OS. It's the OS that's
popular with people who won't use Linux 'cause it's not alternative enough
and who can't afford one of the new Amigas.
You see, as my favorite Barbara Bain movie, "Spirit of '76", begins,
a two-hundred-year-old man (played by Carl Reiner, not that other guy)
lies dying, and he's the only one who remembers the principles of
the Founding Fathers of the U.S.A. because all recorded history was
accidentally degaussed. So three time-travellers are sent back to 1776
to bring back a copy of the Constitution, but because their time machine
has the same technology as the silly car in "Back To The Future N+1",
they wind up in 1976, the lowest point in the history of American culture.
Disco and polyester were huge, but "Star Wars" and "Saturday Night Fever"
hadn't happened yet because everyone was too busy partying all year for
no reason in an effort to scrub a major energy crisis and Watergate from
their brains. Anyhow, the time travellers infiltrate a self-help
seminar being given by a guy who is clearly a parody of Werner Erhard
(you know, the EST guy, also played by David Letterman on "Mork & Mindy".)
played by Carl Reiner's son, Rob "Meathead" Reiner. Barbara Bain is
his brainwashed, zombie-like disciple, who is wearing a blouse with
the Constitution printed on it. The important fact is that Rob Reiner
is ranting about self-actualization, he is in front of a big sign
that says "BE, INC." which is also the name of the computer company
owned by French former Apple executive Jean-Louis Gassee, the computer
magnate with the gassiest-sounding name ever. If he and Poupee Gamin
would do a movie together, with Benny Hill, Blue Man Group, Billy Barty,
Dudley Manlove, Hermann Zapf, and Ben Franklin, I'm sure that hilarity
would ensue.
-- K.
I was also going to explain the
article about the two "Steppenwolf"s,
but I don't want to get
Ayn Rand mentioned in the
same article as Virginia Woolf,
especially since I don't know
who Virginia Woolf is.
Dag Right-square-bracket-gren
> Dann Corbit (dco...@solutionsiq.com) uttered:
>>"James "Kibo" Parry" <ki...@world.std.com> wrote in message
>>news:kibo-07050...@ppp0b152.std.com...
>>[snip]
>>> C.F. V jnf bevtvanyyl tbvat gb rapelcg guvf ragver negvpyr jvgu EBG-13,
>>> ohg V svtherq gung jbhyq or cbvagyrff orpnhfr abobql xabjf ubj
>>> gb ernq vg nal zber.
>>
>>Surely Crgre Jvyyneq can.
> And I'll thank you not to call me Fheryl.
Hmm. "Fheryl" is actually a pretty good name.
--
Dag Agren <> d...@c3.cx <> http://www.abo.fi/~dagren/ <> Legalize oregano
"REPLACE GLOBAL CAPITALISM WITH SOMETHING NICE!"
Sherilyn
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
[...]
>
> I was also going to explain the
> article about the two "Steppenwolf"s,
> but I don't want to get
> Ayn Rand mentioned in the
> same article as Virginia Woolf,
> especially since I don't know
> who Virginia Woolf is.
I'll get you from Virginia to Hollywood in four by Crane, but if
you're headed north of the border you'll have to hurry.
--
Correct email address is in reply-to.
Filter on domain name only.
http://www.sherilyn.org.uk/
Fantod
>This stuff about Bembo (who eventually
>had a font named after him by Monotype, based on the one cut by
>Griffo, the murderer) is important to following the secret hidden
>other plot of "Foucault's Pendulum".
Kibo makes baby James Burke cry!
[]
>Joshua was intimating that
>BeOS sounded like Bac*Os, and as we all know, nobody uses either the
>maroon aquarium gravel or the operating system that has the friendly
>user interface of UNIX with the power of Mac OS.
Hey! I use both, occasionally. The flavored soy wads go well with macaroni
salads and keeps longer than tofu, and BeOS is better than Linux, except that
it has an odd file layout, no multiuser support, isn't free, has an aging set
of device drivers and has no software. Even Java support would have expanded
the number of programs a thousand-fold and made the system usable as
something other than a MediaOS(TM)(R)(C), but instead, there seems to have
been some sort of pissing contest, so no Java for you.
The Ment OS, now, is another story.
--
Patrick Phelan
w____\\W//___w Te Hupenui
Pika!Pika!
http://copeland.choicelogic.com/~phelan/
Joshua E Millard
>
>The Ment OS, now, is another story.
make: *** No rule to make target `fresh'. Stop.
Daniel Buettner
> The Ment OS, now, is another story.
^^^^^^^
MiNT
--
~
~
~
"Daniel Buettner" line 4 of 4 --100%--
Glenn Knickerbocker
> Blue Man Group surprises the audience by just coming out on stage NAKED
> with their bodies painted blue and exposing themselves a while, like the guy
As opposed to coming out on stage NAKED with their heads and hands
painted blue and their bodies painted black. Yeah, like that REALLY
fooled us.
ŹR
Dramar Ankalle
Fantod <fan...@geocities.com> wrote in message
news:Xns909E50343D...@199.45.45.11...
> [James "Kibo" Parry]:
>
> >This stuff about Bembo (who eventually
> >had a font named after him by Monotype, based on the one cut by
> >Griffo, the murderer) is important to following the secret hidden
> >other plot of "Foucault's Pendulum".
>
> Kibo makes baby James Burke cry!
>
And lose weight while not paying alot for a muffler or dying for a Wendy's
Cerami-burger!
Search Result 21
From: Darla (da...@ns.accessone.com)
Subject: Media Report
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
View complete thread (2 articles)
Date: 1997/11/23
When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER!
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON"
DIET!!
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS _YOU_ CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Washington Post: WORLD TO END TOMORROW, WOMEN AND MINORITIES HARDEST HIT
////////////////
Put that in your diet!
James Kibo Parry
> > by Monotype, based on the one cut by Griffo, the murderer) is important
> > to following the secret hidden other plot of "Foucault's Pendulum".
>
> Kibo makes baby James Burke cry!
Short shameful confession: Every time "Scientific American" printed one
of his columns near the back of the magazine illustrated with the cartoon
of hundreds of tiny people jammed into the page margin* I kept trying to
turn the page to the wacky Fold-In 'cause I don't like Sergio Aragones.
* "page margin" is one of my favorite redundancies 'cause, I mean,
where else would you put a margin? Oh, that's right, it could
refer to the margin inside the staple! They haven't thought of
selling really tiny chrome advertising there! You're not fully
erudite until you read all your magazines completely, including
the staples!
I think James Burke's column just got removed from "Scientific American"
because they decided for mysterious reasons that it would be a better
science magazine if they turned it into "Discover". It's on that slippery
slope that will one day lead it to becoming "Popular Mechanics".
Currently they've passed from "Detecting Extra-Galactic Neutrino Sources"
to "Ten Ways Nuclear Power Can KILL Your Children" and eventually they'll
be "Build This Giant Spinning Zeppelin Covered With Sawblades In Your
Parents' Basement".
I note that when they removed Ian Stewart's column about wacky math fun
(the successor to Martin Garder's, Douglas Hofstadter's, and A.K. Dewdney's)
they replaced that page with a big Post-It saying "YAY, NOW THIS MAGAZINE
CONTAINS NO MATH!" and they've also switched their design from ugly typefaces
that had lots of mathematical symbols available (Lucida Bright) to
just printing everything in MS Comic Sans.
Oh, and their masthead is no longer in the unchanged-for-a-century
Didot-ish lettering to emphasize their connection to the past. It's now
in futuristic techno lettering to emphasize their connection to
sci-fi. After all, they do keep referring to themselves as "SciAm",
so I think it's only a matter of time before we start seeing Hugo Gernsback
on the cover with his giant flying buzz saw hunting for extra-Galactica
sources of Cylons.
-- K.
And "Mondo 2000", it's
REALLY gone downhill.
robert lindsay
>such as Giambattista Bodoni (who was way out on the avant-garde of
>type design at the time) and Baskerville. Baskerville sent him a
>specimen of his fancy-schmancy new typeface, and Franklin loved it.
>But, when he showed it around town, the other Philadelphia printers
>all hated it.... because everyone used Caslon, therefore Caslon was
>perfect, and any improvement on it was BAD!
To cross this thread with the 'grad-school is hell' thread, I am reliably informed
that back in 1991 when I was working on developing mesoscale weather models for a
living, that our model (ARPS http://cirrus.gcn.ou.edu/ARPS/, now morphed into some crappy commercial product, no code of mine is thankfully still in it, although my boss's
contributions of object-oritented design were passed of as their own in several
scholarly publications) was involved in a 'bake-off' which was a competition in which
various models were run again each other and the results compared. The 'winner'
was not the one that best predicted ACTUAL WEATHER, the winner was the one that most
EXACTLY matched the sacred Klimp-Wilhelmson model, of which all these people used to be
grad students of.
Soon after this we were all sacked, and I moved on to visualizing hacked open
baboon teeth at OUHSC.
--
Robert Lindsay, NASA - Goddard, Greenbelt MD rlin...@seadas.gsfc.nasa.gov
You can't spell "sKr1pT k1DD13" without "K1DD13". - Karlo X, alt.religion.kibology
#include <standard_disclaimer.h> 301-286-9958 ISTJ NON SVM ACERBVS
Joshua E Millard
>
>Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
PINK FLOYD
^^^^^^^^^^
PENGUIN!
Beable van Polasm
>
> National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
But she's not even finished breaking up with Tom yet!
cheers
Beable van Polasm
--
Did the Pope really do a voice for SP [South Park]? If so, what episode?
-- Harris Swindell
IQC 78189333
http://members.nbci.com/_______/index.html
Fantod
>Fantod (fan...@geocities.com) uttered:
>>The Ment OS, now, is another story.
>make: *** No rule to make target `fresh'. Stop.
You'll need to run
./configure --flavor=minty --roll=open --angle=jaunty --smile=true
first.
--
Patrick Phelan
w____\\W//___w Te Hupenui
I Blame Your Mother
http://copeland.choicelogic.com/~phelan/
Andrew Pearson
news:kibo-11050...@ppp0b164.std.com...
> I recently offered to explain an article. Andrew Pearson was the
> lucky ninth caller who got to be the only one to vote for an article.
> So, happy understanding, Andrew!
I gambol lumberingly down to the stage murmuring "yee haw, errh, whoo hoo,
I've, errh, won a prize" and thinking about waving my hands aboutover my
head.
SFX: crickets chirping
Sorry am I a bit late?
Still, awfully decent of Kibo to explain like that.
<snip>
> -- K.
>
> I was also going to explain the
> article about the two "Steppenwolf"s,
> but I don't want to get
> Ayn Rand mentioned in the
> same article as Virginia Woolf,
> especially since I don't know
> who Virginia Woolf is.
One might almost suspect that Kibo was teasing when he wrote that. After all
I'm pretty sure that VW had an interest in typography - wasn't she
tangentially associated with the Hogarth Press? In other news, I can't
pronounce "tangentially", it always comes out as "tan genital ly".
--
Andrew Pearson: "exactly what the web needs less of".
Ranjit Bhatnagar
> visualizing hacked open baboon teeth
WORST BUMPER STICKER EVER.
Chris Franks
> because they decided for mysterious reasons that it would be a better
> science magazine if they turned it into "Discover". It's on that slippery
> slope that will one day lead it to becoming "Popular Mechanics"
I hadn't picked up "Scientific American for a long time, because I could
only finish 1 or 2 articles per issue.
I read Discover from cover to cover but it started getting too easy, so I
went back to SciAm. For a while,
I thought my IQ had gone up 40 points because I could understand the entire
issue, but it soon became evident
that we are on your slippery slope. Sad but true.