Sony just called me a girl!
James Kibo Parry
though it didn't say it was for girls even though it was. We men can
spot a girly girl thing a mile away. Even when they don't warn us.
Now comes a new wave of consumer electronic products specifically for girls.
In this case, Sony's warning all the men in the world that the girls are
now running the asylum and Sony is devoting itself to the girls of the world.
"What kind of Psyc girl are you?" asks Sony's latest division,
http://www.sel.sony.com/SEL/consumer/psyc/
HELP! SONY SAYS I HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE SOME TYPE OF GIRL!
Wow, those things are ugly. (The Psyc Walkmans, not the concept of girls.)
It used to be that stuff for girls was pastel.
Now Sony had decided that Walkmans just for girls must be swirly
vomit colors with random polygons and tubes sticking out of them.
"GIRLS LOVE THE DESIGN OF THE JARVIK-7 ARTIFICIAL HEART, SO THEY'LL
LOVE OUR NEW PSYC WALKMAN!"
And I like how they have a model specifically for each possible (male)
stereotype of teenage girls: the "Most Popular" girl, the plain girl,
the tough girl, the nerdy girl, and the lesbian. ("...it's the perfect
fashion accessory for most lifestyles," Sony says as they sock it to
those uncool Amish people who have a non-Walkman lifestyle.)
Psyc for perky blonde sluts with giant lips and zebra-print hookerish
miniskirts ("Stephie"):
>
> It's not as if Stephie needs to be introduced. Voted "Most Popular,"
> Stephie's star sure is hitched to something special. With her swank
> Sony Psyc Portable Player slung stylishly over her shoulder she's always
> ready for her closeup. Tuned to the latest songs that fuel her steady
> career as a teenage superstar, Stephie, like her Sony Psyc Portable Player,
> never misses a beat.
Let's just hope that Stephie never takes a ride on the Starship Enterprise,
because Yeoman Rand was once named "the Enterprise's most popular crew
member", and it would be a terrible thing to see a catfight between
oh-so-popular Stephie and checkerboard-headed Yeoman Rand over who's the
ship's slut. Actually, I think that was Gene Roddenberry's private fantasy,
plus there were some bright red terry-cloth panties involved and a box
of checkers, but I won't mention that here because he never told anyone
about it.
Psyc for Plain Janes ("AJ"):
>
> AJ's au natural look serves as the perfect foil for someone who snagged
> the lead role in Romeo and Juliet. If she's not rummaging through the
> racks of the costume shop, she's plugged in to her Sony Psyc Portable
> Player - it's the perfect prop for any scene. Rumor has it that she's
> taped her lines, but her Psyc is totally committed to the new Mandy Moore
> release!
And if you buy one of these units, YOU SHOULD BE COMMITTED TOO!!!
Psyc for the bespectacled smart, creative, nerdy, dark-haired type ("Margo"):
>
> With caustic wit and artistic savvy, Ms Margo shirks the limelight in
> favor of the director's chair. Get ready Sundance, this artist gets her
> inspiration from all sorts of places: the cool tunes on her swank Sony
> Psyc Portable Player, a local fashion show and even the dogfight down the
> block. Soundtrack compliments of Sony Psyc Portable Player. No editing
> required.
I like how her model has a "bumper guard" sticking out of each corner
because they know that she's going to do "The Bump" in that stylish
Harvest Gold-colored granny dress and platform shoes. NERDS ARE SO RETRO!
Psyc for the camo-wearing tough tomboy ("Olive"):
>
> If you drop in the Newspaper room between class, you might just find Olive
> slinking around the photocopier. Always prepared, she figures five copies
> of the hall pass are better than one. Fueled by the cool rhythms of
> hip-hop and drum 'n bass, Olive quietly wreaks havoc on the powers that
> be. Lucky for her, Sony Psyc Portable Player detaches for a clean getaway.
"But, Principal Bechler, Sony *said* I was supposed to make fake hall
passes or I wouldn't be cool."
"Well, it's okay then. Hey, wait! You're not wearing Desert Storm surplus
pants! You're not an Olive, you're a Margo! You're expelled!"
Psyc for the completely androgynous-looking, androgynously-named lesbian
("Chris"):
>
> Talk about color coordinated! Chris has a stack of red cards to match her
> fiery red hair and her swank Sony Psyc Portable Player. Funky and
> fearless, this star striker led her high school to the state finals. A
> team player 'til it comes to the stereo, Chris outsmarts the soccer
> carpool with her Sony Psyc Portable Player. I mean, isn't it a documented
> fact that easy listening is bad for your game?
Remember, there's a difference between lesbians and tomboys. Tomboys
have a square Walkman. Lesbians have a rectangular Walkman.
And no matter which of Sony's stereotypes you are, you can express your
ultimate individuality by choosing which of the five shapes of Psyc Walkman
is just right for you! Each comes in two color schemes, namely purple and
indigo, to give you even more artistic freedom to be yourself by buying
a Walkman! Just think, once all the other girls in school have picked out
their Psyc Walkmans, you'll all be different in exactly the same way!
Remember when your Walkman didn't care what gender you were,
and certainly didn't ask whether you were a slut?
Also, why don't any of the extremely white cartoon stereotypes have
any body piercings? I thought they were supposed to be hip! All teens are
required to have lots of piercings if they want to be really hip these days!
If you don't believe me you can look it up in the Constitution, in the
part about the Dress Code!
I like the fact that they still refer to the things as "Walkman" units
despite the fact that THEY'RE FOR GIRLS!!! What's next, "Walkgirl" players
for men? "Walkgeezer" boxes for toddlers? "Walknun" units for paramecia?
-- K.
Then if you want the ultimate in Sony's current
family of goofball products, this one presumably
for older, not-specifically-female folks, see
my next post, about Sony's $800 picture frame.
James Kibo Parry
and other places read by people who spend lots of money but aren't
smart enough to pick out their own magazines, is this brilliant way
to get people to spend $900 on a picture frame:
(...and also to buy a wider screen so they can see 120-character URLs.)
> Sony's new CyberFrame is a video picture frame that will display your
> favorite still images or MPEG movies stored on Memory Stick(TM) digital
> storage media.
A Memory Stick is like a peppermint stick only without the peppermint.
But you still get the stick. Sony would love very much to give you the stick!
> Video Photo Frame
> Now you can have several images displayed in one full color, large 5.5"
> LCD constantly running in slide show mode.
Wow! Now at last we have the technology to not only make our picture
frames give off glowing fluorescent light, but also to blink on and off
all night!
> Memory Stick Storage Media
> CyberFrame is unique in that it uses Sony's new storage media, Memory
> Stick, as its source.
OUR PRODUCTS ARE BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE ONLY OUR PRODUCTS TAKE
NEW ELASTIC HELIX DATA CORES WHICH DON'T FIT IN ANYTHING MADE BY ANYONE ELSE.
This is a selling point>
> Memory Stick storage media is available in several different capacities
> currently ranging from 4MB to 16 MB.
Unlike regular photo albums, where adding storage for sixteen megabytes of
photos requires buying an extra page.
> JPEG or MPEG Playback
> Sony's CyberFrame will play back file formats such as JPEG or MPEG from
> any Sony Digital Camera or Handycam Camcorder that uses Memory Stick
> storage media.
Waah! Now I have to throw out my Sony camera that takes floppy disks
and my Sony camcorder that takes videotapes! It would be so MUCH more
useful to record video on a little plastic swizzle stick that fits only into
VCRs I've never seen instead of VCRs that actually play back regular tapes!
> Large 5.5" Active Matrix Color LCD Screen (224k Pixels)
> Large, detailed images can be viewed on this full color Active Matrix LCD.
> This 5.5" LCD is a great way to view all of your favorite images.
Wow, five inches DIAGONAL! That's the biggest video screen I've ever seen
sold for only nine hundred dollars! I bet one the size of a whole
three-by-five card (5.8" diagonal) would cost over a thousand!
> Built-in Speaker with Volume Control
> Great for giving presentations, or playing back a voice-memo, or MPEG
> Movie. The built in volume control lets you set the level of sound for
> listening convenience.
Yeah, as opposed to those REGULAR picture frames that JUST WON'T SHUT UP!
> Slide Show Mode
> Create a slide show of several of your favorite images. Get creative by
> changing the intervals, (3 or 10 seconds, 1 or 15 minutes, or select a
> daily setting). Select a repeat mode to have a set of images running
> consistently.
"I want you to look at my vacation photos... over and over... and over..."
> Sleep Timer
> Just one of the many conveniences Sony offers on CyberFrame, a sleep
> timer. Select from a 30-minute or 60-minute setting.
They provided this option in case some people might want to look at
each of your vacation photos for more than 30 but less than 60 minutes.
> Delete or Protect images
> Decide which images you want to keep by using the 'protect' selection.
> This will safeguard your images from being deleted.
Unlike REGULAR picture frames where ANYONE can delete your photo or painting
by double-clicking on it!
> Conversely, delete images you don't want to save by using the 'delete'
> function.
Unlike REGULAR picture frames where you have to save ALL your photos FOREVER!
(I think some people do think that is the purpose of photo albums.)
> Index Mode
> The Index Mode on the CyberFrame allows you to see 6 thumbnails at a time.
> With the index mode you can have a visual display of what order your
> images are in.
Unlike REGULAR photo albums where you have to TURN PAGES!
> Automatic Angle Detector
BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... YOU ARE VERY OBTUSE... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...
> CyberFrame will automatically detect between Portrait and Landscape and
> adjust the photo accordingly.
WOW!!! IT'S SO MUCH WORK TO DO THAT WITH REGULAR PHOTOS! YOU HAVE TO
BE ABLE TO MOVE A PIECE OF PAPER AROUND! IT TAXES MY TINY BRAIN!
I CAN USE MY CAMERA BUT I STILL CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF
"RIGHT-SIDE-UP"!
> Touchless Sensor
Unlike those REGULAR picture frames with a TOUCHY CENSOR!
> This feature will turn your CyberFrame on and of with a wave of the hand.
And if you have the Clapper, every time you turn your lamp off, it turns
the picture frame on, and vice versa.
> Print Mark
> Use print mark to electronically mark images you want to print in your
> Digital Photo Printer (DPP-MS300)
WOW! WHEN YOU GET REGULAR PHOTOS YOU CAN NEVER PRINT THEM OUT IF YOU
WANT THEM TO BE ON PAPER BECAUSE THEY'RE ALREADY ON PAPER!
-- K.
I can't wait for Sony to start making
poster frames. Just think, 9" diagonal
electronic poster frames for $3000.
David O'Bedlam
Hash: SHA1
On Sat, 5 Feb 2000, James Kibo Parry wrote:
> the word "The" is ignored when alphabetizing
IS NOT!!!11!!!
Singed,
TheDavid(TM)
- --
"Under the influence of Mercury, you're mad as a hatter!" -D. Gollub
..................................................................
Waste money fast! => David, P.O. Box 236, Berkeley, CA 94704 U.S.A
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David O'Bedlam
Hash: SHA1
On Sat, 5 Feb 2000, James Kibo Parry wrote:
[...]
> body piercings are out. Now what's hot are mental piercings.
Oh baby, bring the ice-cold icepick near my trembling lobes AGAIN!
BTDTingly,
The
- --
"Under the influence of Mercury, you're mad as a hatter!" -D. Gollub
..................................................................
Waste money fast! => David, P.O. Box 236, Berkeley, CA 94704 U.S.A
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David O'Bedlam
Hash: SHA1
On Sat, 5 Feb 2000, Chris Costello wrote:
> James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> > Psyc for the completely androgynous-looking, androgynously-named lesbian
> > ("Chris"):
>
> I should just point out that I am not an androgynous-looking lesbian.
Aha. But I sure am.
The
- --
"Under the influence of Mercury, you're mad as a hatter!" -D. Gollub
..................................................................
Waste money fast! => David, P.O. Box 236, Berkeley, CA 94704 U.S.A
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David O'Bedlam
Hash: SHA1
On 5 Feb 2000, Poot Rootbeer wrote:
[...]
>I un-plonked O'Bedlam because he's gone from Asshole to Kook,
You must believe my brilliant physics theories, even though
I don't know diddly about science or math, OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!
> which means he's worth reading now.
Photons have HEIGHT. And I'm NAKED now too!
(How'd I do?)
Auditioningly,
The
- --
"Under the influence of Mercury, you're mad as a hatter!" -D. Gollub
..................................................................
Waste money fast! => David, P.O. Box 236, Berkeley, CA 94704 U.S.A
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David O'Bedlam
Hash: SHA1
On Fri, 4 Feb 2000, James Kibo Parry wrote:
[...]
> there's a difference between lesbians and tomboys.
There is?!? Damn. So, does that mean I have to return
my unauthorized clit-piercings, or just my clitoris?
Twerpishly,
The
P.S. Why doesn't that read as funny as it sounded when
I was drunker?
- --
"Under the influence of Mercury, you're mad as a hatter!" -D. Gollub
..................................................................
Waste money fast! => David, P.O. Box 236, Berkeley, CA 94704 U.S.A
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James Kibo Parry
>
> Until recently, many computer programs were written to denote the year in
> two digits instead of four. In these programs, the year 2000 will be
> indicated as "00". Because the system may confuse "00" to signify the
> year 1900 instead of the year 2000, some computers may malfunction.
> The same holds true for some types of machinery and office equipment
> that contain microcomputer chips.
>
> Sony recognizes the urgency of this problem and is making every effort
> to ensure the reliability of all of our products as well as our internal
> computer systems after the year 2000. We want our customers to use Sony
> products without anxiety and our business partners to feel assured that
> our relationship will not be interrupted.
>
> An investigation of our products for year 2000 readiness has revealed that
> a few, such as certain models of video decks and video cameras, may have
> timer recording or date indication problems. We are currently developing
> appropriate countermeasures to ensure the continued reliable use of
> these products.
Damn! And I was planning on using my Sony camera to take pictures of the
big Y2K celebration here two months ago! Now I'll have to travel back in
time to ensure that my camera won't explode if there's ever another Y2K!
Also, what sort of "countermeasures" is Sony developing to fix ten-year-old
VCRs that display funny dates? Will they mail me the updated software on
a floppy disk I can stick into my VCR?
-- K.
They have 7,000 products, change VCR
models six times a year, and have the
worst customer support on the planet.
Do we really believe they will somehow
magically alter the chips in all the
ten-year-old VCRs out there?
By the way, my Sony VCRs and digital
camera all go to 2037. This is because
I apparently got the Linux models.
James Kibo Parry
>
> > Dear Sony Homepage Visitors,
Another thing that bugs me:
The word "homepage". Or rather, the words "home page".
On the Web (where else?), "home page" has two meanings:
1.) The Web page that your Web browser shows whenever you start it up
is your "home page". (It's usually some incredibly cluttered and
overdesigned thing with lots of flashing ads and your horoscope and
the weather in Yuma, if you didn't change it from the default that
Netscape was paid to give you.)
2.) Any Web page devoted to some subject is "The _____ Home Page".
In other words, every page on the Web is a home page in at least the
second sense, and also in the first sense if I ever point my browser to it.
So, let's stamp out this pointless terminology. Microsoft has already
started saying "start page" for sense #1, and for sense #2 a suitable
replacement for "The X-Ray Of A Cow That Swallowed A Barbie Home Page"
would be "The X-Ray Of A Cow That Swallowed A Barbie Page".
While we're at it, I'm going to issue a heartfelt plea for people to
put reasonably descriptive titles on their Web pages.
1.) Titles should say what the page is about. This means actually
typing something where it says "Type Title Here".
Welcome to my home page <-- STUPID
untitled <-- STUPID
type title here <-- STUPID
Page generated with gOlive cyBerstuDio <-- STUPID
Fred Smith's page <-- NOT STUPID
Fred Smith <-- MORE NOT STUPID
(we know it's a page)
2.) Titles begin with the word that you want them alphabetized under:
Welcome To The Exploding Potsticker Corp. <-- BAD
The Exploding Potsticker Corp. <-- BAD
Exploding Potsticker Corp. <-- GOOD
...of course, if computers were smart enough to understand that
the word "The" is ignored when alphabetizing, the world would
be a much nicer place. And we'd all get free candy from flying
pigs, because everyone knows computers aren't capable of sorting
things in any usable fashion.
3.) If your site has lots of pages, it helps to repeat the site
name so that people can see what they've bookmarked:
Page 75 of catalog <-- BAD
ExploPotsticker Corp: Catalog: 75 <-- GOOD
...that way if someone bookmarks a couple different pages from
your site, they will GO TOGETHER!
4.) Hey! Major Web browsers truncate the title to 63 or 47 characters!
(The World Wide Web Consortium has said that's okay, suggesting 63.
Don't ask me where one of the browser makers got the limit of 47.)
Also, there are other places to put keywords (like in "KEYWORDS")
and the full text of your site (like on the page). So:
This page is the industry leader in producin... <-- BAD (chopped at 47)
Potsie's Game Farm: Chickens,Ducks,Geese,Ost... <-- BAD (chopped at 47)
Potsie's Game Farm: Poultry Products <-- GOOD (less than 47)
There. I have just fixed the Web for everyone. You may thank me in
the cash equivalent of the Nobel Prize I deserve.
-- K.
And doesn't it bug you when people
post followups to their own articles?
(Nobody could possibly comment
intelligently on their own writings!)
Chris Costello
> ("Chris"):
I should just point out that I am not an androgynous-looking
lesbian.
- Chris Costello <ch...@FreeBSD.org>
Leah Verre
Parry) wrote:
>And you thought the iBook was a silly girly-looking thing for girls even
>though it didn't say it was for girls even though it was. We men can
>spot a girly girl thing a mile away. Even when they don't warn us.
Beware the Pink Aisle at Kay Bee Toys.
>Now comes a new wave of consumer electronic products specifically for girls.
>In this case, Sony's warning all the men in the world that the girls are
>now running the asylum and Sony is devoting itself to the girls of the world.
>
>"What kind of Psyc girl are you?" asks Sony's latest division,
>
>http://www.sel.sony.com/SEL/consumer/psyc/
>
>HELP! SONY SAYS I HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE SOME TYPE OF GIRL!
>
>Wow, those things are ugly. (The Psyc Walkmans, not the concept of girls.)
>
>It used to be that stuff for girls was pastel.
>Now Sony had decided that Walkmans just for girls must be swirly
>vomit colors with random polygons and tubes sticking out of them.
Sony Psyc ad pitch guy: What we'd like to present here is the
absolute, say, "cutting edge" in the current trend of girl's reveling
in their own, say, "power". Mmmkay? And how do we do that, HOW do we
do .. that? With BLAM! In your face GRAPHICS with BOLD and EDGY
colors and designs to make you think "now THERE goes a super girl with
style! And she loves her Sony Phsyc!"
>
>"GIRLS LOVE THE DESIGN OF THE JARVIK-7 ARTIFICIAL HEART, SO THEY'LL
>LOVE OUR NEW PSYC WALKMAN!"
>
>And I like how they have a model specifically for each possible (male)
>stereotype of teenage girls: the "Most Popular" girl, the plain girl,
>the tough girl, the nerdy girl, and the lesbian. ("...it's the perfect
>fashion accessory for most lifestyles," Sony says as they sock it to
>those uncool Amish people who have a non-Walkman lifestyle.)
>
>Psyc for perky blonde sluts with giant lips and zebra-print hookerish
>miniskirts ("Stephie"):
>Psyc for Plain Janes ("AJ"):
>Psyc for the bespectacled smart, creative, nerdy, dark-haired type ("Margo"):
>Psyc for the camo-wearing tough tomboy ("Olive"):
>Psyc for the completely androgynous-looking, androgynously-named lesbian
>("Chris"):
I had a bag of potato chips that had that same sort of idea going.
Has anyone seen Home Girls chips? There is art of three women on the
front; three very powerful and probably very fashionable for the year
of 1988. They all had names, but of course I forgot them. But on the
back was their creed for power and unity and telling a guy STEP OFF!
if he thinks he can try anything with you! Truly beautiful.
A freind of mine covetted these chips so horribly that I gave in and
presented them to her for Xmas a couple years ago.
>And no matter which of Sony's stereotypes you are, you can express your
>ultimate individuality by choosing which of the five shapes of Psyc Walkman
>is just right for you! Each comes in two color schemes, namely purple and
>indigo, to give you even more artistic freedom to be yourself by buying
>a Walkman! Just think, once all the other girls in school have picked out
>their Psyc Walkmans, you'll all be different in exactly the same way!
>
>Remember when your Walkman didn't care what gender you were,
>and certainly didn't ask whether you were a slut?
I kept breaking them. I got my first Walkman in 9th grade and went
through a series of six or seven of them until I gave up about six
years ago.
But here is a SSC for you: I have an RCA Lyra.
I think I have a better chance of not destroying it, at least for a
while, due to the fact that it has no moving parts.
I'll probably go through a dozen pair of earphones, though.
>
>Also, why don't any of the extremely white cartoon stereotypes have
>any body piercings? I thought they were supposed to be hip! All teens are
>required to have lots of piercings if they want to be really hip these days!
>If you don't believe me you can look it up in the Constitution, in the
>part about the Dress Code!
Kibo, you know, that is SoooOOO twencen.
>I like the fact that they still refer to the things as "Walkman" units
>despite the fact that THEY'RE FOR GIRLS!!! What's next, "Walkgirl" players
>for men? "Walkgeezer" boxes for toddlers?
Okay this right here killed me:
>"Walknun" units for paramecia?
But maybe it's just because I find paramecia funny.
>
> -- K.
>
> Then if you want the ultimate in Sony's current
> family of goofball products, this one presumably
> for older, not-specifically-female folks, see
> my next post, about Sony's $800 picture frame.
That's so insane. Yeah, I love those airplane product catalogs
disguised as magazines. They have stuff in there that would send even
Sharper Image into fits of chuckles. My favorite are the paranoid
items. You can get a Big Giant Fake Guy to Sit on Your Sofa and Make
it Look Like You're Not Alone in the House, for instance.
It's like Popular Science Goes Bananas!
-Leah
I can't wait until Sony gets a contract with Sanrio for the Psyc.
Say that three times.
No more.
No less.
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And you thought the iBook was a silly girly-looking thing for girls even
> > though it didn't say it was for girls even though it was. We men can
> > spot a girly girl thing a mile away. Even when they don't warn us.
>
> Beware the Pink Aisle at Kay Bee Toys.
DON'T go in the woods!
DON'T answer the phone!
and whatever you do,
DON'T go into THE BARBIE AISLE!
A film from the makers of "The Blair Witch Project 2".
> > "What kind of Psyc girl are you?" asks Sony [...]
> >
> > It used to be that stuff for girls was pastel.
> > Now Sony had decided that Walkmans just for girls must be swirly
> > vomit colors with random polygons and tubes sticking out of them.
>
> Sony Psyc ad pitch guy: What we'd like to present here is the
> absolute, say, "cutting edge" in the current trend of girl's reveling
> in their own, say, "power". Mmmkay? And how do we do that, HOW do we
> do .. that? With BLAM! In your face GRAPHICS with BOLD and EDGY
> colors and designs to make you think "now THERE goes a super girl with
> style! And she loves her Sony Phsyc!"
I think the word you're groping me for is "sassy". Or possibly "flava"
if you want to be black.
> I had a bag of potato chips that had that same sort of idea going.
> Has anyone seen Home Girls chips?
No, but I've seen "Chumpies", the special potato chip just for homeboys.
Isn't making separate potato chips for white and black people unconstitutional?
I CAN'T BELIEVE GEORGE WASHINGTON FORGOT TO PUT ANYTHING ABOUT POTATO
CHIPS INTO THE CONSTITUTION!!!
> > Remember when your Walkman didn't care what gender you were,
> > and certainly didn't ask whether you were a slut?
>
> I kept breaking them.
Sony says that means you're a slut.
> > Also, why don't any of the extremely white cartoon stereotypes have
> > any body piercings? I thought they were supposed to be hip!
>
> Kibo, you know, that is SoooOOO twencen.
Yeah, body piercings are out. Now what's hot are mental piercings.
> > I like the fact that they still refer to the things as "Walkman" units
> > despite the fact that THEY'RE FOR GIRLS!!! What's next, "Walkgirl"
> > players for men? "Walkgeezer" boxes for toddlers?
>
> Okay this right here killed me:
>
> > "Walknun" units for paramecia?
>
> But maybe it's just because I find paramecia funny.
The ironic part is that paramecia find nuns funny.
"What's black and white and doesn't have cilia?"
"A nun in a revolving door! Hahahahahaha!"
> > Then if you want the ultimate in Sony's current family of goofball
> > products, this one presumably for older, not-specifically-female folks,
> > see my next post, about Sony's $800 picture frame.
>
> That's so insane. Yeah, I love those airplane product catalogs
> disguised as magazines. They have stuff in there that would send even
> Sharper Image into fits of chuckles. My favorite are the paranoid
> items. You can get a Big Giant Fake Guy to Sit on Your Sofa and Make
> it Look Like You're Not Alone in the House, for instance.
I want to start an urban legend about the paramedics trying to resuscitate
one of those guys for six hours and then sending the woman a bill for
$500 with a recipe for Red Velvet Dr. Pepper Cake attached. Then they'd
drive away in an ambulance with one tail light missing and they'd get
arrested because they were driving barefoot.
> It's like Popular Science Goes Bananas!
It's like "Popular Science" only stupid!
> I can't wait until Sony gets a contract with Sanrio for the Psyc.
>
> Say that three times.
> No more.
> No less.
My Hello Kitty waffle irons still haven't shown up. Weren't you people
supposed to buy me a few hundred dozen of them? I want to be able to make
tens of thousands of identical waffles in parallel!
-- K.
And they must all be shaped like
cat's heads! And the brain part
must taste different than the rest!
Matt McIrvin
Verre) wrote:
>That's so insane. Yeah, I love those airplane product catalogs
>disguised as magazines. They have stuff in there that would send even
>Sharper Image into fits of chuckles. My favorite are the paranoid
>items. You can get a Big Giant Fake Guy to Sit on Your Sofa and Make
>it Look Like You're Not Alone in the House, for instance.
>It's like Popular Science Goes Bananas!
I want those cheezy inspirational posters with eagles on them that are
supposed to make your drones work harder, IN MY HOME!
Also there are whole pages of devices to work some individual tiny
muscle in your body, and whole pages of thinly disguised vibrators,
and transparent bathing suits that you can TAN THROUGH!
And lots and lots of tchotchkes that are the upscale executive version
of the Precious Moments Jesus 'N' My Kitty Figurine Collection.
--
Matt McIrvin http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/
Darla
> I should just point out that I am not an androgynous-looking
> lesbian.
That's right! Chris is a completely femme-looking lesbian.
Darla
--- "And what part of Lesbia are you from, miss?"
--
"Hello! My name is 'NoNoBadDog.' What's yours?"
(Harlan to Reilly)
Poot Rootbeer
>On Sat, 5 Feb 2000, Chris Costello wrote:
>> I should just point out that I am not an androgynous-looking
>> lesbian.
>
>Aha. But I sure am.
GIVE THAT MAN THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR ONE-LINE FOLLOWUPS!!!
-Poot
And 20-line .signatures.
P.S. I un-plonked O'Bedlam because he's gone from Asshole to Kook,
Carlos Froggy
: Now comes a new wave of consumer electronic products specifically for girls.
: In this case, Sony's warning all the men in the world that the girls are
: now running the asylum and Sony is devoting itself to the girls of the world.
: "What kind of Psyc girl are you?" asks Sony's latest division,
: http://www.sel.sony.com/SEL/consumer/psyc/
: HELP! SONY SAYS I HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE SOME TYPE OF GIRL!
Just wait til they market a line customized for ARK.
...
The LEAH
Way-Kewl Leah slips on her go-go boots to boogie down to the
video-arcade for a jivin' game of Wack-A-Mole. All eyes are on her
llama-fur covered SonyARKman!
The PTERRY
Hip-Hop Pterry won't waste any time contemplating her lost gil-slits
when she can listen to the latest trax from Perry Como on her swank
SonyARKman with accessorized BLAMs!
The STACIA
Sassy Stacia can't help attracting all the creepy 13-year-old stalkers
with her Avocado green ARKman!
The DARLA
Radi-Kool Darla is queen of the corner malt-shop with her
stretch-leather and barbed-wire SonyARKman!
The RED
Fly Red knows her newest model of ARKman is the Wampus-Cat's Pyjamas;
color coordinated in, get this, RED!
Compatable with the Nick Bensema modual, but only at distances of at
least 6 feet away.
The LISAPEA
Bashfull LisaPea finally gets up the nerve to ask Klaus to take her to
the Spring Hop after spinning some Kraftworks on her robot-monkey
powered SonyARKman. Just pray she don't fukkin KILL you, YOU STINKIN
BOWL OF FUKK!!
Tiara sold seperately.
Sony may now pay me billions, if not
dozens, of dollars. -- F.
* Fro...@neosoft.com ** "The Information Super-Frog" [dibs] *
http://www.angelfire.com/la/carlosmay/
Shiro Akaishi
> I want to start an urban legend about the paramedics trying to resuscitate
> one of those guys for six hours and then sending the woman a bill for
> $500 with a recipe for Red Velvet Dr. Pepper Cake attached. Then they'd
> drive away in an ambulance with one tail light missing and they'd get
> arrested because they were driving barefoot.
DIBS! I can do this one! In fact I can probably get realy EMT type people to tell the story...
> My Hello Kitty waffle irons still haven't shown up. Weren't you people
> supposed to buy me a few hundred dozen of them? I want to be able to make
> tens of thousands of identical waffles in parallel!
I thought you sent that bill to Bill? Wahahha! I make a subtle funny about rich computer geek!
--
Shiro Akaishi
David O'Bedlam
Hash: SHA1
On 5 Feb 2000, Carlos Froggy May wrote:
[...]
> The STACIA
>
> Sassy Stacia can't help attracting all the creepy 13-year-old stalkers
> with her Avocado green ARKman!
HEY! Remember what I said about SLANDER and LIBEL? Stop spreading
those LIES that I'm 13 -- I'm almost *37* and I can PROVE it!
(On the other hand, 13 is indeed my IQ.)
YMGN,
The
- --
"Under the influence of Mercury, you're mad as a hatter!" -D. Gollub
..................................................................
Waste money fast! => David, P.O. Box 236, Berkeley, CA 94704 U.S.A
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Fantod
<kibo-04020...@kibo.std.com>:
[Kibo's noble Nobel worthy writing wiped]
> (Nobody could possibly comment
> intelligently on their own
> writings!)
My writing is bad.
--
Patrick Phelan
w____\\W//___w Te Hupenui
Mr. Hand
http://copeland.choicelogic.com/~phelan/
Andrew S. Mason, Esq.
>
> We men can
> spot a girly girl thing a mile away. Even when they don't warn us.
Thank God they did though, eh? 'Cause I almost nearly bought one of
those. Then I remembered, hey, I might be arrested for being in
possession of an offensive colour in a built-up area.
They can do that now, you know.
> It used to be that stuff for girls was pastel.
> Now Sony had decided that Walkmans just for girls must be swirly
> vomit colors with random polygons and tubes sticking out of them.
With FREE CHAINS! Are they trying to tell us something?
> ... it would be a terrible thing to see a catfight between
> oh-so-popular Stephie and checkerboard-headed Yeoman Rand over who's the
> ship's slut. Actually, I think that was Gene Roddenberry's private fantasy,
I didn't think Gene Roddenberry had any fantasies left. They all got
made into episodes of Star Trek.
"Hey! Please don't put me in this cage and force me to repopulate the
planet with this beautiful maiden! Woah ... hey ... on second
thought..."
Unless this is some fantasy that he scribbled on the back of a napkin
once and Majel Barret Reddenberry found down the side of the sofa and
decided to develop into a modern big-budget fantasy.
> Psyc for Plain Janes ("AJ"):
> >
> > AJ's au natural look serves as the perfect foil for someone who snagged
> > the lead role in Romeo and Juliet.
I don't get that. They're saying, 'She doesn't wear makeup, so she'll
never be picked to star in anything! Except maybe as the villain!' Is
that pretty much it?
> > If she's not rummaging through the
> > racks of the costume shop, she's plugged in to her Sony Psyc Portable
> > Player - it's the perfect prop for any scene.
ROMEO: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the Sun!
JULIET: What, did you say something? Wait, let me turn off my Walkman.
'Cause we have those in historical Verona.
> And no matter which of Sony's stereotypes you are, you can express your
> ultimate individuality by choosing which of the five shapes of Psyc Walkman
> is just right for you!
But Wait - it goes further than that! The different shape walkmans play
different things. Nice Mr Sony helps out the poor feeble girly-girls by
telling them what playback format they're allowed to listen to. Nerdy
Spice (who can't stand up straight) are allowed to listen to the radio
AND a tape, while Plain Spice is allowed to prefer DIGITAL radio
attached to her tapes! Most Popular Spice can obviously afford those
new-fangled CD thingies, while Tough Spice obviously only wants digital
radio. Sporty Lesbian Spice, on the other hand, isn't permitted digital
quality.
And they're not PSYC walkmans, they're just Psyc STYLE walkmans. Like
chocolate FLAVOUR milk?
Personally I like the way they include headphones. 'Headphones
Included!' they proudly proclaim. Free! Free essential piece of
equipment! Just like N64s used to be advertised with 'FREE controller!'
--Andy--
"Do you think when the A-Team finished in 1986, there was a B-Team ready
to take over?"
"I pray to God every night."
Tim Serpas
>Sporty Lesbian Spice, on the other hand, isn't permitted digital
>quality.
Well, she gets enough of that already.
Wretch
Ted Frank
Matt McIrvin <mmci...@world.std.com> wrote:
>I want those cheezy inspirational posters with eagles on them that are
>supposed to make your drones work harder, IN MY HOME!
They have whole stores of those things, or at least did, in the
mid-1990's, called "Successories."
One of my standard cheap-date techniques around then would be,
when walking through the mall after or before a movie, go into
"Successories" and have post-modern fun treating the experience
ironically.
I once dated a lawyer who looked and sounded like the Abbie Carmichael
chyk who butts heads with Jerry Orbach on Law & Order. The woman was
brighter than many I've dated or married: good resume, has been published,
sprung a convicted murderer through legal means, now at a top firm making
somewhere around $185,000 plus bonus.
But I just knew it could never work out when she walked into that
Successories and acted like Jedediah Purdy at a John Denver Christmas
Special. If I wanted to marry someone that earnest, I would've
renamed myself Vern.
>Also there are whole pages of devices to work some individual tiny
>muscle in your body, and whole pages of thinly disguised vibrators,
>and transparent bathing suits that you can TAN THROUGH!
I'm told that there are cameras out there that take interesting photos
of people in such swimsuits.
--
"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do
when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
-- George W. Bush, speaking at a "Perseverance Month" event in NH
James Kibo Parry
>
> Leah Verre (le...@seanet.com) wrote:
> >
> > That's so insane. Yeah, I love those airplane product catalogs
> > disguised as magazines. They have stuff in there that would send
> > even Sharper Image into fits of chuckles.
>
> supposed to make your drones work harder, IN MY HOME!
Okay, fine, I'll put some there instead of just giving you a pay cut.
> Also there are whole pages of devices to work some individual tiny
> muscle in your body, and whole pages of thinly disguised vibrators,
You misspelled "force-feedback Microsoft joysticks".
Have you seen the new one, the force-feedback seat cushion?
I am not making this up. Actually, it's not a cushion, just a butt-
shaped piece of vibrating plastic that you're supposed to sit on
so that whenever your imaginary airplane gets blown up all your
naughty bits get vibrated.
I keep wondering why they don't make Web browsers and Usenet news
reader programs interact with these vibrating digital erogenators.
I mean, it's what people want out of the Internet.
DIRTY STILL PICTURES ON A TEE-VEE SCREEN PLUS A VIBRATING CHAIR
EQUALS JUST AS GOOD AS REAL SEX! OR AT LEAST AS CLOSE AS YOU'LL
EVER GET, YOU SHARPER-IMAGE-BUYING-INTERNET-USING NERRRRRRRRD!!!!!!
> and transparent bathing suits that you can TAN THROUGH!
I would prefer a pink bathing suit that would itself get a tan.
Plus that way people would think I were wearing a sexy see-through
bathing suit but it would just be an ordinary thick pink vinyl
suit with enormous genitals drawn on the front!
Also it would have a waterproof pocket for my passport in case
I accidentally swim to another country.
> And lots and lots of tchotchkes that are the upscale executive version
> of the Precious Moments Jesus 'N' My Kitty Figurine Collection.
I'm waiting for the Precious Moments Jesus Is My Kitty Figurine
Collection.
-- K.
I can't think of
anything to put here.
(I already used up
the joke about the
fake genitals.)
Bill Newcomb
[...]
> > And lots and lots of tchotchkes that are the upscale executive version
> > of the Precious Moments Jesus 'N' My Kitty Figurine Collection.
>
> I'm waiting for the Precious Moments Jesus Is My Kitty Figurine
> Collection.
I'm waiting for the Precious Moments Jesus In My Kitty Figurine
Collection.
Wait, no I'm not.
--
nu...@best.com "Some workmen came to replace a window and I cut my hand
on the glass and the lead and it was horrible! And I got addicted to
the lead! And we had my hand and my arm wrapped in bandages, and we'd
wash it off with alcohol, but how could we have known?"
Chris Costello
> reader programs interact with these vibrating digital erogenators.
This post will cause a vibration matching your pager or cell
phone's silent mode to confuse you and make you look really dumb
in front of all your friends!
- Chris Costello <ch...@FreeBSD.org>
Joseph Michael Bay
>naughty bits get vibrated.
>DIRTY STILL PICTURES ON A TEE-VEE SCREEN PLUS A VIBRATING CHAIR
>EQUALS JUST AS GOOD AS REAL SEX!
>I would prefer a pink bathing suit
>Jesus Is My Kitty
--
Joseph M. Bay Boy Genius
Putting the "harm" in the "Molecular Pharmacology" since 1997
When he might hit quieter mate with a bear punkin? Monkey Wrangler
"Good government is no substitute for self government" - M. Gandhi
Michael Straight
> In article <mmcirvin-040...@ppp0c065.std.com>,
> Matt McIrvin <mmci...@world.std.com> wrote:
> >I want those cheezy inspirational posters with eagles on them that are
> >supposed to make your drones work harder, IN MY HOME!
>
> They have whole stores of those things, or at least did, in the
> mid-1990's, called "Successories."
http://demotivators.com/demotivators/demotivators.html
INEPTITUDE: If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing
it poorly.
> But I just knew it could never work out when she walked into that
> Successories and acted like Jedediah Purdy at a John Denver Christmas
> Special. If I wanted to marry someone that earnest, I would've
> renamed myself Vern.
I work for the state in Cancer Control and share an office building
with, inter alia, the Cardiovascular Disease Prevention folks. Someone
was introducing me and a cow orker to folks in the CVD prevention branch
and kept pointing out that so-and-so's job was similar to so-and-so in
Cancer Control.
So I said to the orker, "Everyone in Cancer Control has an evil twin in
CVD."
The person doing the introductions said, "Yeah. Except we're not evil."
Public Health: More earnest than Lee Bumgarner. "You kids stop that
smoking! It's only funny until someone loses a lung!"
Michael Straight will now be investigated by the state auditor.
FLEOEVDETYHOEUPROEONREWMEILECSOFMOERSGTIRVAENRGEEARDSTVHIESBIITBTLHEEPSRIACYK
Ethical Mirth Gas/"I'm chaste alright."/Magic Hitler Hats/"Hath grace limits?"
"Tight camel hairs!"/Chili Hamster Tag/The Gilt Charisma/"I gather this calm."
Joseph Michael Bay
>So I said to the orker, "Everyone in Cancer Control has an evil twin in
>CVD."
>The person doing the introductions said, "Yeah. Except we're not evil."
>Public Health: More earnest than Lee Bumgarner. "You kids stop that
>smoking! It's only funny until someone loses a lung!"
This person was not saying that none are evil, rather that YOU
are the EVIL twins and the CVD people are the GOOD or at least
LAWFUL NEUTRAL twins.
Because obviously you're evil if you want to CONTROL cancer. It's
not something you can use for good. Only evil.
Yep, only evil.
Ted Frank
>> But I just knew it could never work out when she walked into that
>> Successories and acted like Jedediah Purdy at a John Denver Christmas
>> Special. If I wanted to marry someone that earnest, I would've
>> renamed myself Vern.
I killed Jim Varney!
Chris Franks
>
> Fly Red knows her newest model of ARKman is the Wampus-Cat's Pyjamas;
I wrote a column for our high school newspaper, which was called "The
Wampus". They told us it was an Indian^H^H^H^H^H^HNative American
word, so what is a Wampus-Cat???
Michael Straight
> Because obviously you're evil if you want to CONTROL cancer. It's
> not something you can use for good. Only evil.
>
> Yep, only evil.
Butcha gotta admit it's pretty funny.
MYKLSTR8
Carlos Froggy
:> Fly Red knows her newest model of ARKman is the Wampus-Cat's Pyjamas;
So, Chris Franks <chris_...@agilent.com> wondered:
: I wrote a column for our high school newspaper, which was called "The
: Wampus". They told us it was an Indian^H^H^H^H^H^HNative American
: word, so what is a Wampus-Cat???
I first picked up the phrase from 78s by a 1920s Collegiate Hot
band called "The California Wampus-Kittens".
You see, I have this minor tick that is sort of like Tourette's,
except that I irregularly spout of catch-phrases and pop culture
references from decades before I was born. (I notice that Matt
McIrvin sometimes displays symptoms too.)
Anyway, I learned that a "Wampus-Cat" was an old name for a
possum (or, for the Hibernians in our audience, "O'Possum").
However, I just checked infoplease.com, which says that a
wampus is "a strange or objectionable person".
Hmmm. And of course, a cat is also a d00d who digs hot music.
(And I'm also amused by the resurgence of the term "fly" as an
adjective in the past decade, since I associate it with '20s and
'30s jazz. The late Danny Barker called his '30s band "The
Fly Cats".)
Well, I used "Wampus" above just for cultural disonance; but a quick
web search reveals that 3/4 of a century later there are still folks
using it for sly wacky reasons and who think it's a hep name for
bands, so I think I'll give up on wampus and go back to bee's knees.
-- Louisiana Wampus-Frog
Beable van Polasm
<F1F60D1AA504ADD9.F4815839...@lp.airnews.net>,
Carlos "Froggy" May <fro...@neosoft.com> wrote:
>
> You see, I have this minor tick that is sort of like Tourette's,
> except that I irregularly spout of catch-phrases and pop culture
> references from decades before I was born. (I notice that Matt
> McIrvin sometimes displays symptoms too.)
Bay responds:Ah it is good that someone wants to know more about my
theories.
// 1996 // 1996 // 1996 // OLD OLD OLD // 1996 //1996 //1996 //1996
From: b...@eden.rutgers.edu (Doctorb Science)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.joe-bay
Subject: Re: A Kibological Intercourse
Date: 10 Sep 1996 17:57:00 -0400
Organization: Rutgers University
Lines: 41
Message-ID: <514o7c$o...@er6.rutgers.edu>
References: <lisareaD...@netcom.com> <50hh12$b...@newz.oit.unc.edu>
<lisare
aDx6v...@netcom.com> <50lt3f$r...@gaia.ns.utk.edu>
<lisareaDx9rt5.28t@netcom.c
om> <lisareaD...@netcom.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: er6.rutgers.edu
lis...@netcom.com (Elisabeth Higgins) writes:
>I am following up to my last post to tell you all that I forgot to
>delete
>parts of it. Note that I am including the entire post yet again.
>I have Turret's Syndrome now.
>Lisa FUKKEN Pea!
I'd like to point out that it's spelled Tourette's Syndrome, after Dr.
Gilles de la Tourette, who first identified the disease. Also, I'd like
to ask you not to make alt.sci.joe-bay the dumping ground for your
insensitive "jokes" about the neurological disorders of others.
Millions of people suffer from Tourette's Syndrome, which manifests as
compulsive verbal and somatic "tics". Although the disorder is fairly
well-known and does not involve compromised intelligence or reasoning,
sufferers are still subjected to embarassment and ridicule when they are
seen showing their symptoms, over which they have little, if any,
control, in public, especially as these symptoms typically manifest
in periods of stress.
While dopamine receptor antagonists have shown some neuropharmalogical
promise, the more important side of Tourette's awareness, at least from
our perspective, is understanding from the general public that
Tourette's is a legitimate neurological disorder and not something to
make jokes about.
It is sad that in a culture which supposedly celebrates diversity and
understanding of the challenges of others, FUCK some people continue to
FUCK EAT A BONE use the misfortune of others GODDAM STINKEN CHUNK OF
FUCK as a source of mean-spirited FUKEN BICH AS SHIT "humor".
Doctorb "Twitch and shout" Science
--
// A M I G A Doctorb Science
ox\\x//============================--- The "b" stands for "bargain"!
\X/ R 3 W L Z I HAVE GOT AIRPLANES,
P.S. Okay, you got me. I really AM a crackpot. ZEPPELINS AND APPARATUS.
/end/end/end/ned
cheers
Beable van Polasm
--
Beable van Polasm is incredibly wealthy, handsome,
talented and funny! He has a really cute, intelligent,
funny, rich girlfriend! Everybody loves Beable!
http://members.xoom.com/_______/index.html
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
David DeLaney
>ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
>>naughty bits get vibrated.
>
>>DIRTY STILL PICTURES ON A TEE-VEE SCREEN PLUS A VIBRATING CHAIR
>>EQUALS JUST AS GOOD AS REAL SEX!
>
>>I would prefer a pink bathing suit
>
>>Jesus Is My Kitty
...Wow!
Joe Bay has perfected new
STEALTH KONTEXT-AWAY!
Dave "silently displaying portions of your output to ... _select_ ... people"
DeLaney
PS: If I said I only noticed it because of the whitespace where no whitespace
should be, would that be a callback to Andrea Chen impersonating Mycroft?
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://panacea.phys.utk.edu/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ/ I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.
Matt McIrvin
<F1F60D1AA504ADD9.F4815839...@lp.airnews.net>,
Carlos "Froggy" May <fro...@neosoft.com> wrote:
>However, I just checked infoplease.com, which says that a
>wampus is "a strange or objectionable person".
And a wumpus is a creature that lives in a dodecahedral lattice
containing a giant bat and a bottomless pi
i
i
i
i
i
i
t,
of which "wampus" is a popular variant spelling. (Speaking of
GEISCO yet again, they had an on-line version of this that was
called WAMPUS, around about 1978.)
David DeLaney
>Carlos "Froggy" May <fro...@neosoft.com> wrote:
>
>>However, I just checked infoplease.com, which says that a
>>wampus is "a strange or objectionable person".
>
>And a wumpus is a creature that lives in a dodecahedral lattice
>containing a giant bat and a bottomless pi
> i
> i
> i
> i
> i
> i
> t,
>
>of which "wampus" is a popular variant spelling. (Speaking of
>GEISCO yet again, they had an on-line version of this that was
>called WAMPUS, around about 1978.)
Some Wumpuses Thrash.
Others are Hunted.
Dave "and we won't get into the various Beebles" DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney d...@panacea.phys.utk.edu "It's not the pot that grows the flower
Louis Nick III
I declare this joke the automatic president of me.