Learning the hard way - 2002: chaos in my life

[Rico]

At the beginning of this year I had broken up with my girlfriend and was
off to reinventing myself. Little did I know what was in store for me. I
met someone who dropped a hint about how it was education that helped me
be tolerant of others' religions. Soon enough, I got the implication...
I was convinced that logic forbade the existence of God and that it was
my reliance on hope that made it that academics-wise things had been so
screwed up for me. I had to take an extra semester and was determined to
"prove" that by overcoming my mere psychological need I could do much
better; on my own, w/o God. It didn't work out. No matter how consistent
I tried to be from the beginning, I still got swamped sometime in the
2nd half. Comparing my workload with those in previous sem's, I'd say
things went worse actually. I devoted a lot of my attention and time to
this "someone". I certainly didn't "change" to get her approval but she
never understood that I considered her a close friend who meant a lot to
me. She let me down right when I needed a friend most: on the very eve
of my first exam in a semester that meant so much to me. Insensitivity;
to my outrageous disbelief. I couldn't focus on my papers...
Let's cut it short: it was mostly not her fault though, I admit it.
But lately, something happened: Ask and you shall be given. I was really
emotionally exhausted from this messy and troubled relationship. I
realised that the time had come to let go, leave it behind and move on.
Obviously, we are not compatible. So, it was Xmas eve. It kind of sucked
because I was inside all day, it was raining and I'm away from home: my
spirits were very low. I stared at the monitor; bored. Early evening, I
needed a nap after a whole day in front of that PC but I still couldn't
stop "thinking" about this screwed up friendship. And I yielded to a
little prayer: "Lord, I have to let go. I have to forget about all this
and leave her behind me. I can do that. Show me the right one for me
Lord". Ask and you shall be given. What followed was the deepest 45-mins
of deep blissful sleep I could remember. My brain, my head felt really
so light. I could feel it: a huge weight, -something- had been removed
like magically. (I'm still lightly shivering from thinking about this
thing that felt so very real). Relief and bewilderment. Could it be?
That was not all: against my best instincts, I switched on the PC a
little after waking up... Some icq nick I hadn't seen online in a long
time... A female classmate... could it be? well, why not? chat, chat,
chat... My spirits had been low because that "someone" was refusing to
speak to me. This chat saw this other lady granting me a date for a
week later. Wow! I was radiant. :D I had my Xmas present already.
Planning to call her later today to confirm. Could it be? Will things
really work out right this time? I so dearly wish they do.

Honestly, I still have doubts: I rationalized that this emotional relief
was my own brain knowing that I had taken too much and that for my own
good, it'd better close me up to such pain. And that friend on icq just
happened to be there by chance. But then again, I know exactly how God
would feel about this. How much proof do I need? would He wonder. This
"someone" to whom I devoted a year often had me asking myself: "How much
proof does she need?"

Rico.