The China Is In
Stepper
which had been in cardboard boxes in the living room for two
years. My wife stopped me, and promised that she'd do the job
the following day. Of course, it didn't happen.
One week ago, I spent my only day off helping her with her
gardening. I felt terrible about myself, since once again I'd
let her priorities take precedence over mine. But after being
helpful the whole day, I let her know that I'd been helpful to
her, and now it was her turn, and I really wanted her to deal
with the china. Of course, she didn't.
This morning I told her it was time to put the china away. Her
initial reaction was, "Oh, that is *SO* unimportant! There are
*SO* many better ways to spend your time!" I told her she could
either help me or not, and I started to work.
You should have heard the bitching. You're going to break it.
You're wasting time. You have to do this other thing right now.
Don't you dare touch the crystal, etc.
She sat in a chair, not lifting a finger to help, and bitched
for about 20 minutes. Then she said this is way too stressful,
and went upstairs to take a hot bath.
It took about 3 hours to get it completely done. The crystal was
covered with dust and I had to wash every stem in hot soapy water.
The rest of the plates I wiped with a clean damp cloth and dried.
She stayed upstairs the whole time.
The china and crystal make a lovely display. It is far, far better
than looking at carboard boxes on the floor.
I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, I'm glad I don't
have to look at a revolting pile of carboard any longer, and I'm
proud of the lovely little display. On the other hand, I regret
the conflict and the argument, and I resent being bitched at,
and having to do all the work myself.
But anyway, it's done. Thanks for listening.
Stepper
cozy
Congrats on taking the steps to do it. Many men don't have the ability.
They would make such a mess that it truly would be worse than if they didn't
even start. You showed her it COULD be done, and done well. You have
the right to feel proud everytime you see it! You have created a lovely
place in your home!
--
Stepper <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.0305...@posting.google.com...
Minteeleaf
Good for you! <Applauding> It appears your DW has major
control issues. You did accomplish it in spite of her,
& I'm delighted that you presevered. Give yourself a big
pat on the back & some healthy self-respect.
DH used to be like that to a degree. After all these years
he's learned to keep his mouth shut & let me work.
I am perfectly willing to let him clean up his own stuff,
but he won't & I won't put my life on hold anymore.
I clean for myself, & he has to live with the results.
He doesn't get snotty anymore about it, he knows better.
He has learned to give praise at the approriate times.
I am so pleased to read of your progress!
Minteeleaf
Medium Gnome
What did she expect to happen that would be so terrible. So what if you
broke a piece or two? It's just stuff. Did you arrange it perfectly the
way she imagined? Bet not because she probably had no vision for it. It's
done and you stuck to your guns. Keep doing more of that and she may soon
work toward avoiding your "help".
Yvette
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.0305...@posting.google.com...
helena
cleaning the china as you put it away, and for making a lovely display.
Wayto go!
Here's a thought: next time you do a project like this and wife wants to
sit and bitch, put on headphones and listen to the radio/a cassette/a CD to
block it out. She'll got the point. Or, tell her that you want to be part
of the solution, not the problem, and she has the same choice to make.
Again, great work!
--helena
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.0305...@posting.google.com...
==Daye==
wrote:
>I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, I'm glad I don't
>have to look at a revolting pile of carboard any longer, and I'm
>proud of the lovely little display. On the other hand, I regret
>the conflict and the argument, and I resent being bitched at,
>and having to do all the work myself.
Trust me, clutterers feel like this too. With me, the conflicts
and arguments are internal. I bitch at myself. However, the
feeling of achievement does make up for it.
I am glad that the job is done. It has solved one of the
problems. I realize that you can't solve all of the problems,
but what you can do, do it.
I am wishing you all the best, and please, keep us updated.
Hopefully, we can still help.
==Daye==
E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au
moderator of the proposed group misc.kids.family-life
snowcat
congratulations! I think you are entitled to have a home where you can
feel comfortable and peaceful.
ste...@chartertn.net (Stepper) wrote in message news:<9bc551c5.0305...@posting.google.com>...
> You should have heard the bitching. You're going to break it.
> You're wasting time. You have to do this other thing right now.
You know, I hear this constantly in my mind. *sad smile* Fear is a
powerful enemy, and even thinking about change can be so fearful and
overwhelming that you become paralyzed.
> The china and crystal make a lovely display. It is far, far better
> than looking at carboard boxes on the floor.
That sounds good!
> I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, I'm glad I don't
> have to look at a revolting pile of carboard any longer, and I'm
> proud of the lovely little display. On the other hand, I regret
> the conflict and the argument, and I resent being bitched at,
> and having to do all the work myself.
From what I have read of your situation with your wife, I think that
you will be responsible for the work for a long time. Changing
lifetime habits requires a lot of time -- sometimes therapy. How does
she feel about the display? Has she commented on it without your
prompting?
Good luck and courage!
-k
@habitz.com oooieoo
dwell on her reaction/actions. You did what you said you were going to do
and that was the first step in making her realize that for the first time in
15 years you've meant what you've said (regarding this issue).
The china became an stand-off issue with the two of you and it really
doesn't have much to do with the problem. Not by itself, anyway. It's just a
part of the whole deal. So now you've taken your stand and you've followed
through. It was good, but now you need to start changing things for real.
This group is huge on a thing called "one small thing." You mentioned 30
minutes as an acceptable amount of time (to you) for her to commit to spend
everyday toward getting things in order. That's way too much time. Five
minutes might work. If that's too much, then try two minutes. The thing is,
she most likely won't buy into the idea anyway because she's not the one who
is here seeking solutions. You are. So even though you are working all those
hours every week, you will probably have to be the one to initiate a
five-minute session every night when you come home. Leaving it to her to do
during the day just won't work. It would be great if you could get her to
agree to work on these sessions with you, but even if she agrees then is
"too tired" when you initiate a session, you need to follow through and do
it anyway-- with or without her. You would need to do this without anger or
judgments-- just do it matter-of-factly and routinely.
Figure out what you want to work on. Picking up the living room maybe? The
whole room is too much to think about initially, so pick an area within the
living room-- say the coffee table. The whole coffee table might be too
large an area to start with, so choose a corner of the table to focus on. Or
a level (top, bottom/under) to focus on. So say there is clutter on top of
the table. It may need washing (if dusting just isn't going to do it), but
maybe you can't dust it until the stuff on that level is picked up and put
away and/or trashed. Set a timer for five minutes and start sorting stuff.
When the timer dings, you stop. If you want to keep working, that's great,
but you will actually realize that you got a lot done in that five minutes.
In the beginning, quitting when the timer dings is a good thing. When you
come home the next day you will know that five minutes is a snap and won't
dread it too much. You will also be showing your wife, by example -- not
resentments, how much can be done in such a short amount of time.
The value of the timer for you is because you plain just don't have enough
time in a day and you are dead tired at the end of it. The value for her is
that she will see that she would only have to commit for *five* minutes.
Anyone can do something for five minutes.
If you get lucky and she shows some interest, maybe you could have a family
meeting where you all get to decide the next project to work on. You can
chart a plan of actions. Okay, this is sounding a bit of a reach even to me,
but it would be cool if you could get her to agree to something like this.
The key point I'm trying to make though, is that you can't leave it to her
to initiate the action. You'd end up right back where you started with the
both of you playing your old roles with each other and pulling further
apart.
Nancy
----------
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.0305...@posting.google.com...
Ms. Tori
That's a huge job - I'm in awe!
You've done a great thing here. Please don't feel terrible "because you let
her priorities take precedence over yours." Another of our favorite sayings
is "Look at what you did, not what you didn't do." You did something that
was important to you - that's good. On other occasions you have done
something important to her - that's compromise. Both are important.
Nancy makes some good points - change is hard and will take a consistent
effort, but you are on your way. I would add that if you pick one small area
to clean and enjoy, start with an area that doesn't immediately get
cluttered again. That way both you and your wife can enjoy the
accomplishment, not the frustration of constantly cleaning the same thing
over and over. I initially decided to make my dining room table my first
priority. While the continuous effort has resulted in a lower level of
"stuff" on the table, I swear if it is every clear for more than thirty
minutes the shock will kill me. Doing seasonal arrangements on my buffet has
been much more satisfying.
Wishing you enjoyment in your china cabinet.
Tori
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.0305...@posting.google.com...
Carol
>
> I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, I'm glad I don't
> have to look at a revolting pile of carboard any longer, and I'm
> proud of the lovely little display. On the other hand, I regret
> the conflict and the argument, and I resent being bitched at,
> and having to do all the work myself.
>
My comments - take what you can use and leave the rest:
From reading your posts, my guess is that you are going to find that
if you want the clutter gone, you will be doing most of the work and
your wife will continue to resist change. I don't think you can fix
her, bargain with her, cajol her, rationalize with her, etc. into
doing something different. Staying focused on your goals for your home
is a more productive use of your time and energy.
Asking her to work on the clutter five minutes a day (setting a timer,
with you or by herself) or to do one small thing a day is probably a
reasonable request at this stage. Don't be surprised if she refuses,
however.
I understand your resentment - it isn't fair to you or your family
when your partner isn't pitching in and gives you grief when you
attempt to deal with the situation. In fairness to her, it sounds like
she has real issues that are preventing her from dealing with the
clutter, and she's not ready to deal with them yet. When she's ready,
she's the one who will have to make the choice and do the work (been
there, doing it, the T-shirt's in sight :-) ). That leaves the work
to you, if you want it done in the near future.
Having said that, I'm also a big fan of FlyLady and her "no whining,
no martyrdom" philosophy. They don't fix anything, and they are
emotional clutter, as she so aptly puts it. Reframe what you're doing
as reclaiming your home from clutter. Lead the way out, with
compassion for your wife. Do it for you, because it needs to be done
to give you peace and because you deserve to live in a comfortable
home.
My other suggestion, which echoes what's been said to you on a
different thread, is to consider getting yourself into counseling for
a while since your wife is unwilling to go (Helena's family therapy
practioner suggestion is excellent). You will gain insight into your
wife's issues, you will get strategies for changing how you deal with
her as a way to affect change in your home, and you will get support
as you make changes in your homelife. It would be a really great gift
to give yourself.
The china was a giant step forward. I wish you continued success,
Stepper.
Carol
kevinsmom
> covered with dust and I had to wash every stem in hot soapy water.
> The rest of the plates I wiped with a clean damp cloth and dried.
> She stayed upstairs the whole time.
>
> The china and crystal make a lovely display. It is far, far better
> than looking at carboard boxes on the floor.
<standing ovation>
Good work!
Stepper
A very big THANK YOU to you all! It's very refreshing -- and
very different -- to get a little pat on the back for my efforts!
I *am* proud of what I accomplished, though at the same
time I find it hard to be proud of the circumstances.
Reading your responses got me to thinking. Maybe I've been
shooting myself in the foot the last 15 years. Maybe I should
just go ahead and do the work. I think I might be able to bear
her bitchiness and the extra workload better than I can bear
my own accumulated resentment and frustration.
Egads ... that means I have to pick up an overwhelming amount
of clutter! Oh my god ...
Stepper :)
... happy for today ...
cozy
shooting yourself in the foot thing... there are millions of women working
fulltime, just like their hubbys, but when they get home after a full day
their husband eats and falls asleep on the couch, while they work into the
night cleaning, washing clothes and dishes, and tending children. You'll
be joining the ranks of a very large group of people who know what they want
out of life and make it happen! And you'll be one of the MEN in that
group, which proves this situation can work either way! Seriously, I
think you're on the road to letting go of the problem and feeling a pride in
the atmosphere you will be creating - and you'll be the one to profit from
all you put into it!
--
Stepper <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.03050...@posting.google.com...
Caroline
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> schreef in bericht
news:9bc551c5.03050...@posting.google.com...
You can do it!!!!!!
Caroline
FibbersCloset
Dena
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.03050...@posting.google.com...
Minteeleaf
>
>
> Egads ... that means I have to pick up an overwhelming amount
> of clutter!
> ... happy for today ...
Welcome to my life for the last few years. :-)
At our house, it is still overwhelming but getting much better
by degrees.
Minteeleaf
Medium Gnome
One step at a time though. Remember to avoid cleaning binges and don't
forget to look at your progress often.
Yvette
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.03050...@posting.google.com...
Anita Rowland
Think about doing before and after pictures. You'll
find them inspiring, and they'll help to remind you
of the progress you are making!
--
Anita Rowland
http://www.anitarowland.com/
Medium Gnome
photos. It really helps me to see how much progress I'm making and how far
I've come.
Yvette
"Anita Rowland" <an...@REMOVEanitarowland.com> wrote in message
news:vbfki7t...@corp.supernews.com...
Seraph
whole family is ganging up on her. If it is not a positive idea, someone
will let me know, but...
how about involving your kidlets in some way? Come up with a funky name and
call it "_____ Nite" (Organizing Nite, ???) Maybe there are small jobs they
can do on this special night? Perhaps involving their own rooms, so DW
won't feel they are invading her territory? I believe you mentioned that
one of your children is handicapped. If so, this could be a self esteem
booster for him/her in that everyone is expected to pull his/her own weight
in the family. (Well, except for DW for the time being.)
--
~Seraph~
"Create a nice day!"
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.03050...@posting.google.com...
Seraph
of celebration DW birthday, your anniversary, Just Because Day...
Maybe you could put together a special dinner for DW and you after the
kidlets are tucked in bed? Set the table nicely with the china and goblets.
Now, this may not work in your situation at all, or maybe it would prove to
be a positive. Only you may have the answer on that one.
She may just want to let sleeping dogs lie and using the china may p**s her
off.
--
~Seraph~
"Create a nice day!"
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.03050...@posting.google.com...
Stepper
> I second the suggestion of before and after photos. I even have "during"
> photos. It really helps me to see how much progress I'm making and how far
> I've come.
Oh, that's a *great* idea! Wish I'd thought of it!
Stepper :)
... still happy ...
Stepper
> One step at a time though. Remember to avoid cleaning binges and don't
> forget to look at your progress often.
+ Avoid cleaning binges
+ look at your progress often
+ ... ???
I think I remember some other very practical, common sense rules
that people have mentioned in various posts, like "do one small
thing". Do y'all have a list of these rules somewhere? A FAQ or
something? I want to embrace them with enthusiasm!
Stepper
... still happy today! ...
Seraph
posted it, again. I don't have a copy or I would do it.
--
~Seraph~
"Create a nice day!"
"Stepper" <ste...@chartertn.net> wrote in message
news:9bc551c5.03050...@posting.google.com...
I was the cat
"Seraph" <ser...@dc.rr.com.takeoffpounds> wrote in message
news:cK%ta.66971$Ye6.3...@twister.socal.rr.com...
: Brenda's back and she compiled a great list. Maybe it is time someone
: posted it, again. I don't have a copy or I would do it.
:
: --
: ~Seraph~
: "Create a nice day!"
Is this it?
The first thing I think one should do is to stop the incoming flow of
newclutter. This will take the effort of making a conscious decision to
adoptsome new habits.Take care of new clutter as soon as it arrives--throw
out junk mail (it doesn't all need to be shredded--just the stuff with
personal info on it--if you don't like throwing it out with your address
intact on it--just rip off your address and throw out the rest-shred the
address later).
Don't buy things you don't need. Really have a good think about the stuff
that lines the checkouts in stores--it's there because they know you are
likely to be susceptible to buying that stuff in an unplanned purchase. Some
people find it helps to make a list before they go shopping and only buy
what is on the list. Never go grocery shopping when you're hungry.
Don't accept "gifts" that you don't need--like when people are moving and
they offer to give you their living room suite--if you don't need living
room furniture--say, no thanks!
Don't accept offers of free samples and other freebies unless you are really
going to try them or use them. If you hoard--try to stop it--don't buy a
year's worth of something if you don't have room to store it--no matter how
good the price is.
Assign "homes" to items you use and keep them there. When you use them--put
them back in their home when you're done.
Unsubscribe to magazines you don't ever read--sometimes you get a pro-rated
refund. Check out your local library instead of buying books.
When you first get started--don't worry so much about recycling--excuse
yourself from it until things are under control. Then, start by creating an
oasis. Choose a small area of your house--like a front entrance hall, a
coffee table, etc.--something that will be quick and easy-- and declutter
it--clean it--make it look attractive--and then make a committment to keep
it that way. This can be your starting point--work out from there.
Another way to go at it is to first throw out all of the stuff that would be
easiest to get rid of--like a collection of seemingly useful newspapers in
the garage--or your collection of empty grocery bags, mayo jars, out-dated
makeup, etc.
Another way to get started is to choose something BIG to get rid of that
will make an instantly noticable improvement in your home--like a broken
down car on the front lawn--call the junk yard and have it towed away--the
worn out chair that no one sits in because the sprung springs are
uncomfortable.
Some people get three containers and label them: to throw away, to keep, to
donate. Then they get a timer--take their containers into their chosen area
to work--and start sorting in 10 or 15 minute intervals. Then they take a
break and do something they like--such as have a cup of coffee, play a
computer game, etc.--and then go back and do a bit more. Many find it
helpful to listen to the radio or their favorite music--or watch TV while
they are doing this. When sorting, some people find it helps to put like
things together, i.e. stack all the books in one corner--all of the clothes
in another, etc. If you end up with a pile of items that you are "not sure"
about--might need them someday--might become highly collectible and
valuable--might get interested in this hobby, book, etc. again--put them in
a box, seal it up and put the date on it and store it away. Decide how long
you are going to wait--a month, a year, etc.--and see if you have to go into
that box to retrieve something during that time period. If at the end of
your deadline, you haven't had to retrieve anything from that box--don't
open it--donate it still sealed--to a charity. I often do this--only I use
trash bags--and I leave it sitting in the way in the garage--when I can't
remember what is in it--and I am tired of working around it--I load it in
the car and take it to the Goodwill dropoff--very painless--since I don't
look in it to remind myself of what is in there--plus the garage is
instantly easier to move around in--which gives me a sort of "instant
gratification" (I only have a very small area that I can walk in in the
garage--BIG clutter problem out there)
One thing that I had a hard time realizing is the value of decluttering
closets, drawers, cupboards, etc. I used to think that they didn't have a
high priority because you could shut the door--close the drawer--and the
mess "disappeared." However, when your storage areas are already full of
useless stuff you don't need, you don't have anywhere to put the things you
do need and use--so they sit around appearing to be clutter.
Probably the best method is the "one small thing" method. Throw out or put
away at least one thing every day. Usually you will find yourself doing
more. This way at least some progress is made every day--and it stops the
downslide.
Something that may be a good idea if you have an overflow of antiques--call
an auctioneer and have it auctioned off.
Posting what you have done, problems you are having, etc. to this group
helps me a great deal. People here are not judmental but supportive and very
helpful. Plus, reading what others have done can be very inspirational and
keep you going if you get discouraged.
Don't try to "binge" declutter" it doesn't work--the clutter will return
after your decluttering marathon and you will become discouraged. The key to
success is to keep a steady rhythm of progress going while you are creating
the new habits. Slow and steady wins the race. You'll find that as time goes
by--you not only make noticeable progress, it will become easier to let
things go because you will begin to see how nice a room could really
look--without the clutter--and how nice it would be to use that room. Good
luck. We're all pulling for you--because we're all there--or have been
there.
Brenda (who is there)
snowcat
-k
ps. Stepper -- I'm happy that you're still happy =)
"Seraph" <ser...@dc.rr.com.takeoffpounds> wrote in message news:<cK%ta.66971$Ye6.3...@twister.socal.rr.com>...
Carol
Another one I've read is "Don't put it down, put it away."
Really helps when you get to maintenance.
Glad that you're happy. :-)
Carol
Cbeattie46
>
>Another one I've read is "Don't put it down, put it away."
Also "never leave a room empty-handed" works wonders, when I remember to do it!
Con
@habitz.com oooieoo
--------------
"SugahMags" <suga...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030507160731...@mb-m23.aol.com...
> Great post with great advise, Nancy. I'd like to add my 2 cents between
the
> snipped parts.
>
>
>
> >Stepper, it's really good that you followed through.
>
> .....because this shows yourself, your wife and your kids that you will no
> longer allow her abdication of her life to interfer with the domestic
enjoyment
> of the rest of the family! You deserve things to be better, even if you
have
> to do it yourself.
>
> You mentioned 30
> >minutes as an acceptable amount of time (to you) for her to commit to
spend
> >everyday toward getting things in order.
>
>
> Isn't it strange that Stepper did the whole china thing in 3 hours! That
could
> have been done in 6 sessions, 30 minutes each if his wife had just focused
> herself to a 1/2 hour a day on that project!
>
> Stepper, you ight want to point that out to her, although it may fall on
deaf
> ears.
>
> . You will also be showing your wife, by example -- not
> >resentments, how much can be done in such a short amount of time.
> >
>
> >If you get lucky and she shows some interest, maybe you could have a
family
> >meeting where you all get to decide the next project to work on. You can
> >chart a plan of actions.
>
> Why wait for the wife? She's obviously getting something out of
> abdicating.....who knows what or why, but she's just taken herself out of
the
> game and seems content to drag everyone else down with her!
>
> I'd suggest that you (Stepper) have a meeting with your two
> chldren......preferable by taking them out to lunch on a Saturday
> afternoon....with out your wife.,,,, to discuss the need for the 3 of you
to
> pull together to reclaim the house since Mommy just doesn't seem up to it.
> Explain that the 3 of you,l working together can organize things to have a
> place where you can all feel comfortable.
>
> I beieve that the ids are affected very, very negatively by her abdication
and
> by the tention of the struggle and strife that goes on between Mom and Dad
over
> thngs that don't get done.
>
> Perhaps a 15 miutes a night...the 3 of you would work. I'd ritualize it
with
> music.....(We are the Campions by Queen.....or the theme song from
Rocky.....da
> da da......da da da!) and them maybe a celebratory toast with whatever
> beverages you like, with some sort of toast like One for All and All for
One..
> like the 3 Muskateers...
>
> Then on the weekend, what about a project the 3 of you have decided on,
> followed by a celebretory trip to the movies.....just you 3,. or out to
the
> ball game?
>
> Leave her at home, since she's so tired!
>
> I'd just cut her out of the game rather than pleading with her to
participate.
>
> Just find a way to bond with the children, engage there help, and reward
> yourselves for doing it.
>
> If she doesn't want to cooperate....let's just give her a reality check
that if
> she wants to continue to abdicate on reclamation of the house.....the 3 of
you
> will pull together to do it yourselves and she doesn't need to be part of
the
> work, or part of the fun!
>
> I wouldn't even mention it to her. Just lead by example, and please
include
> the kids! They need a leader, and they need to lern that their efforts
will be
> needed and appreciated.
>
>
> >The key point I'm trying to make though, is that you can't leave it to
her
> >to initiate the action. You'd end up right back where you started with
the
> >both of you playing your old roles with each other and pulling further
> >apart.
>
> Yep! Just show her that life is going to go on, with or without her. She
> doesn't have to participate. Perhaps this will jot her into reality,
perhaps
> it won't.
>
> But you and your kids will be less dependant on her, and less held hostage
> emotionally to her refusal to participate in this.
>
> Shug
> >
> >Nancy
> >
>
>
Anita Rowland
understand!
I'd love to link to it if it were posted somewhere.
It's possible to link via google groups, but I'd
like somewhere more permanent. I know you have webspace
of your own but maybe you don't want that linked to?
I could post it in my own weblog but wouldn't without
your permission.
--
Anita Rowland
http://www.anitarowland.com/
"I was the cat" <I_was_...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:b9bcdt$hi25f$1...@ID-136866.news.dfncis.de...
cozy
somewhere, I'd love to link to it so you get proper credit!
--
Anita Rowland <an...@REMOVEanitarowland.com> wrote in message
news:vbktnu8...@corp.supernews.com...
@habitz.com oooieoo
will be amenable to the changes, but I also don't believe that she's
actively chosen to abdicate. You wrote:
>>Isn't it strange that Stepper did the whole china thing in 3 hours! That
could have been done in 6 sessions, 30 minutes each if his wife had just
focused herself to a 1/2 hour a day on that project!
Stepper, you ight want to point that out to her, although it may fall on
deaf ears.<<
I think doing a neener-neener would be a horrible way to go. I think taking
a quietly dignified and non-judgemental approach would be a better way, for
his wife, yes, but even more for himself. If she chooses not to participate,
that's one thing, but I don't believe that deliberately leaving her out of
things is fair. I do think it would be good to get the kids involved in
learning routine household maintenance, but don't believe making negative
and pointed comments to the kids about their mother is fair to his wife OR
the kids. Heck, if you think about it, it's not fair for him either, because
it would just add to the negativity, which isn't good for anyone.
Stepper might have a chance to save his marriage AND have a peaceful
homelife, even with so much working against him (given only what he's told
us about the situation). It will be very hard, there's no denying it. The
fact that he really seems to want to make this work-- doesn't want a
divorce, plus the fact that he appears to be willing to dig deep to try to
figure out what might be happening inside of his wife's head-- I think he
could be successful.
Nancy
---------
"SugahMags" <suga...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030508085808...@mb-m14.aol.com...
> x-No-archive: yes
>
> >Subject: Re: The China Is In
> >From: "oooieoo" oooieoo@ habitz.com
> >Date: 5/8/03 12:37 AM Pacific Daylight Time
> >Message-id: <b9d1nu$2eu$1...@slb4.atl.mindspring.net>
> >
> >Yikes!! I don't think we are saying the same things, here Shug.
>
>
> Actually, Nancy, I thinki the main difference is that your approach is
kinder
> and gentler than mine, and assumes that the wife will be amenable to
ooperating
> and changing.
>
> I don't believe that she will.
>
> I'm also concerned that Stepper has offten mentioned, at least in his
ealier
> thread QVC Pushes me over the edge, that his frustration level has reached
the
> point that he has actually considered divorce.
>
> While Stepper has mentoned that he would like to stay together, I worry
that
> the situation may be very serious.
>
> I am also very concerned about the effect of the mother's behavior and the
> frequent bickering/bitching/fighting and obviously unhappy relations
between
> the parents are likely to effect the children.
>
> However, perhaps I should explain my bias. My parents were in exactly the
> situation Stepper has described.
>
> This one was of the major forces that led to their divorce, and the pre,
during
> and after effects of this situatiohn were very traumatic for me and my 4
> siblings.
>
> Shug
>
kevinsmom
news:vbktnu8...@corp.supernews.com...
> It's possible to link via google groups, but I'd
> like somewhere more permanent. I know you have webspace
> of your own but maybe you don't want that linked to?
File/Save As
I was the cat
Feel free to use it. No need to give me the credit. It is just a re-cap of
things I learned reading ARC. Everyone here deserves credit for it.
Brenda
"cozy" <co...@prodigy.netscape> wrote in message
news:ecvua.1588$pd...@newssvr17.news.prodigy.com...
: I'd like to share this list with others too! If you have it on a
: > >
: >
:
:
HCF
oooieoo wrote:
> I think doing a neener-neener would be a horrible way to go. I think taking
> a quietly dignified and non-judgemental approach would be a better way, for
> his wife, yes, but even more for himself. If she chooses not to participate,
> that's one thing, but I don't believe that deliberately leaving her out of
> things is fair. I do think it would be good to get the kids involved in
> learning routine household maintenance, but don't believe making negative
> and pointed comments to the kids about their mother is fair to his wife OR
> the kids. Heck, if you think about it, it's not fair for him either, because
> it would just add to the negativity, which isn't good for anyone.
I've got to agree. It sounds to me like what is
necessary in Stepper's situation is leading by
example. From his other posts we know he has tried
to cajole the wife in various ways to get things
done and that isn't working.
As much as a person might hate to have do the work
themselves because it is unfair or what have you,
the fact is that sometimes just doing it is what
works. Hopefully, the wife will see Stepper
getting it together and getting things done and
she will want to participate. But even if she
doesn't Stepper will have a better living
environment in the process.
Anita Rowland
news:vblggfj...@corp.supernews.com...
ha! Thanks for the tip!
Actually, I was trying to find out what Brenda was comfortable
with me doing -- I know I can easily save the text and post
it to my website, crediting her and the group, if she's okay with that.
I was the cat
I meant to answer this and then got involved with uploading the auctions.
Feel free to use this anywhere/anyway you want--but don't give me any
credit. It was just a re-cap of things that had been discussed on ARC. If
you have to credit someone--credit the group. :)
Brenda
"Anita Rowland" <an...@REMOVEanitarowland.com> wrote in message
news:vbnl5ec...@corp.supernews.com...
: "kevinsmom" <to be announced> wrote in message
:
:
:
I was the cat
me.
Brenda
"Anita Rowland" <an...@REMOVEanitarowland.com> wrote in message
news:vbktnu8...@corp.supernews.com...
: Brenda, this is great stuff, so clear and easy to
: >
:
WhistleStop
Have you gotten "Sink Reflections" yet?
Another place I love is the discussion board at www.shesintouch.com
I go there quite often, and even play Chore Bingo!
Makes work fun! She might even like it, if she ever
gets on the computer!