Why? Why do you do this?
greccogirl
of the way there. They are 22 and 23. They do not come from an abused,
neglectful or pushy home. They never had to worry about anything and
always had two parents. They started drinking in high school. Neither
graduated. My oldest now drinks EVERY DAY. He claims he does not have
a problem with it but has one DUI already. My youngest, has had his
second DUI in three months and has now lost his license for 18 months.
He hit a tree and totalled his car. Luckily he didn't kill anyone.
Their father and I drink occasionally, such as a margarita for dinner
once a blue moon or maybe a beer with pizza. So alcohol was never
unheard of or abused in front of them.
The oldest despite a 125 IQ has no high school diploma, works a back
breaking shit job for $9.00 an hour, has a 17 year old girlfriend whom
he orders around and gets drunk every day almost. He drives a 1990
Honda with 230 on it (we bought it in 95). He has no credit, no home
(lives with us) no car, no education, and a pretty long rap sheet (DUI,
tresspass (for getting drunk and trashing the house), pot charge, no
license, no insurance, about 20 seatbelt violations, etc). He served 55
days in jail on his first DUI and STILL DOES IT. I don't understand
this. This is a horrible way to live. Can any of you enlighten me?
Bpyboy
profound in my earliest (and darkest) days.
I was telling him about how my fiance is a rock, and stuck with me through all
the shit, and that I couldn't believe that she understood my problem.
He told me "she doesn't understand alcoholics, hell, I don't understand them
either!"
The madness comes from trying to make sense of something that just doesn't .
It's the nature of addiction. You see, people who smoke know that it's
terrifically bad for them, but they do it anyways. People who are piss broke
still scrounge up enough coins to buy a 12 pack.
The important thing is that nobody sets off to want to become a substance
(whatever it is) abuser. It sort of happens, and one day, it sort of hits a
person on the head and it's like "shit! I can't stop!"
I don't know my friend. I have had some good results going to Alanon meetings
with my fiance. It's a group mainly geared for the people who aren't addicts,
but are being affected by them (wives, kids, ....). Good group. you might
check into them.
I don't mean to pry, but did you ever just come up and ask them the question?
My mom, a couple of months ago on a rare trip home, blind sided me about my
drinking early one morning. I was hungover like hell, and I brushed it off
like "I don't have a problem....." but it burned into my mind for weeks. I got
WAY too drunk one night, got sick, and the next day went to a meeting. I fell
from grace several times, but something about my mom's direct (it seemed almost
brutal at the time) question sort of put things back into reality. I wasn't
fooling her, and probably not anyone else either.
Take care,
john
greccogirl
My sons, when they drink, become abusive and dangerous. They use the
most foul language and start tearing stuff up and you don't dare
question them too far. I've had to call the police on them myself.
When I do this they just get angry and deny it and the result is
"whatever". THEY don't have a problem, you see.
I am very ill. I am on the transplant list for liver, due to having
Alpha I anti-trypsin (an inherited disorder). They both probably carry
at least one gene which means they are predisposed for LIVER DISEASE.
For them to be drinking is insane.
Right now I am at the point where I just want them to go away. I love
them both but it's been too many tears, too much heartache, and right
now I need peace and quiet and don't need this stress.
How much does a person have to stand before it's enough?
rosie readandpost
i would HIGHLY recommend that you search out the nearest ALANON meeting, and talk to someone!
http://www.al-anon.org/
--
read and post daily, it works!
rosie
yesterday has forever passed, and tomorrow will
forever elude us. today is the only day we have.
today, I will try to start fresh, free of the burdens of
yesterday...............................n.wing
"greccogirl" <grecc...@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:3F4FDCC3...@yahoo.com...
ByTor
greccogirl says...
> Oh yes I have confronted them. But you see, I'm getting afraid of them.
> My sons, when they drink, become abusive and dangerous. They use the
> most foul language and start tearing stuff up and you don't dare
> question them too far. I've had to call the police on them myself.
>
> When I do this they just get angry and deny it and the result is
> "whatever". THEY don't have a problem, you see.
>
> I am very ill. I am on the transplant list for liver, due to having
> Alpha I anti-trypsin (an inherited disorder). They both probably carry
> at least one gene which means they are predisposed for LIVER DISEASE.
> For them to be drinking is insane.
>
> Right now I am at the point where I just want them to go away. I love
> them both but it's been too many tears, too much heartache, and right
> now I need peace and quiet and don't need this stress.
>
> How much does a person have to stand before it's enough?
Sounds like you've had enough already.
The best I can do is tell you how my parents handled me...I'm 39 now and
have been clean/sober for about 13yrs now.
I was about the same ages as your sons when my problems were severely
accelerating.
I never understood the pain a parent goes through when they see their
children literally destroying themselves, I can only empathize now and
really couldn't say "I know how you feel" but, I am a parent now and
have future concerns as my daughter is only 5. So because I can't say I
know how you feel I would like to share with you a little in hopes that
it may help or to give you some kind of hope.
My parents like yourself watched me and my other brother very much the
same way you are......(years later I did not find out how much pain it
caused my parents) They stuck with me through thick & thin for a while,
and of course I continued to do what I did with no regard for them
whatsover because I was hooked and wanted to do what I wanted to
do........I also was living at home after leaving the service at
21....My run began more or less there for the next 5-6 yrs, my father
dying 1yr after I left the service so that pretty much left my Mom alone
to handle us.
The bottom line is that my Mother had to make a decision, because like
yourself she was at the end of her tolerance......She had to let us go
and put us out there, as much as it HURT her badly she could not
intervene & let us go. Now don't get me wrong I'm not sure of the
alternatives or help you have and I am by no means suggesting this, but
it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me......Oh I
continued doing what I was doing but my mother did not make it easier as
I had preyed off of her love in the past and was looking to do that
again and IT DID not work this time. My mother stuck to her guns. Don't
get me wrong though, it hurt her very much every time but it was "her"
ultimatum to help us.
I can't project how I would handle a situation like that because I'm not
sure how I would react, these are our children and I do understand that
I would go to any lengths for my daughter in probably anything and doing
something like my mother did WAS very hard for her. Today she is
enjoying her grandaughter & loving every minute of my new life over the
years........Change is pain, and I for one will keep you in my thoughts
that things can turn for the best............
Hope this helps.........
greccogirl
sons and I love them. I've thrown them out before but always give in to
them when they say they are "changing" and it never lasts. I feel so
trapped. I really, really hate people who drink and I'm sorry, don't
take it personal. If you only knew the misery, and pain you
cause.................
greccogirl
I'm just not strong enough to push them out that door and bar it. I
have had to call the police to make my son leave before when he became
abusive. I just don't understand any of this. My husband and I had it
a hundred times harder than either of them; we never did this, why did
they chose this life of grief?
Everytime I think that my youngest could've killed someone and been
facing vehicular homicide or worse I get so sick I think I'll throw up.
Right now it takes all the strength I have to work, with severe liver
disease. Jaundice, ascites, huge legs due to edema, I am at the
transplant clinic almost twice a week. And even though they say they
love me and their dad they STILL think everything resolves around them!
I can't tell you how many times I've heard: But I'm your SON. It is
so hard.
My husband is also disabled due to a fused spine and we might not have
that much time left together. I'd like to at least enjoy a little of my
life instead of this living hell. I am so torn, it is so hard.
rosie readandpost
"greccogirl" <grecc...@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:3F4FEB83...@yahoo.com...
> I wish I could be stronger. I always say it's enough but they ARE my
> sons and I love them. I've thrown them out before but always give in to
> them when they say they are "changing" and it never lasts.
that is why i recommended ALANON to you.
you SHOULD NOT have to go through this alone, and folks there can really help you!
i promise, it WILL bring you some relief!
> I feel so trapped.
i am sure you do............................i wish you some peace with this!
>I really, really hate people who drink and I'm sorry, don't
> take it personal.
it is TOTALLY understandable that you would feel this way................PLEASE call your local ALANON office or go to
an email group of ALANON folks.
you need and deserve some help!
>If you only knew the misery, and pain you cause.................
yes, in hindsight, i can see the pain that i caused!
i am so grateful that i quit drinking when i did, and that my four children are not exhibiting any signs of alcoholism
at this time!
(i don't know what the future may bring, but they are all grown up and ok for now)
i wish you the best of luck with this!
rosie
ByTor
greccogirl says...
> Thank you so much for the kind words. I feel like your mom felt, maybe
> I'm just not strong enough to push them out that door and bar it. I
> have had to call the police to make my son leave before when he became
> abusive. I just don't understand any of this. My husband and I had it
> a hundred times harder than either of them; we never did this, why did
> they chose this life of grief?
> Everytime I think that my youngest could've killed someone and been
> facing vehicular homicide or worse I get so sick I think I'll throw up.
>
> Right now it takes all the strength I have to work, with severe liver
> disease. Jaundice, ascites, huge legs due to edema, I am at the
> transplant clinic almost twice a week. And even though they say they
> love me and their dad they STILL think everything resolves around them!
> I can't tell you how many times I've heard: But I'm your SON. It is
> so hard.
>
> My husband is also disabled due to a fused spine and we might not have
> that much time left together. I'd like to at least enjoy a little of my
> life instead of this living hell. I am so torn, it is so hard.
I wish my Mom could meet you, and I do agree with Rosie, maybe you
should seek out some kind of support...to at least have some
understanding as to "why" this is happening and see that you are
obviously not alone....I am in the hope that our conversation is making
you feel slightly at ease just by sharing it, but as I say I will do you
a grave injustice if I hold back the realities.
That burning question "why do they choose this", as you stated, is what
my Mother & Father tortured themselves with. For years in my recovery I
bore the burden of feeling responsible for my Father and pushing him
over the edge to give up, he was also sick and his strength left him, I
felt responsible for his death. Did I know this at the time or care
while I was doing it, I'd have to honestly say no. These were my own
guilts that I had to deal with.....I wish I could JUMP in your sons
skins and tell them exactly what they may be setting themselves up for
but obviously that is not possible. But I can tell you that I really do
feel for you as you are reminding me of what I *was* like.
You are showing enormous strength by reaching out and I am by no means
trying to make you think that my scenario will be yours, I believe in
realism, truth & honesty....it helps to see the true nature of
alcoholism/substance abuse. It is painful, and I do understand the
physical limitations of both yourself & your husbands does not make it
any easier.
You had mentioned to Rosie if we understand the pain we cause? I would
have to say that at the time I was doing what I was doing.....*no* I
didn't. I knew it was not right because the way I was raised, but
because I was gripped with such a compulsion I did not care who got in
my way. I cannot and do not make excuses though for my behavior because
everyone feels differently.....Some do not believe that it is a
sickness, some believe it's a moral dilemma....I'm not taking sides or
pushing any of these observations & opinions, all I know is that it
HURTS no matter what it is.
Bobby L.
of living at home ... in their wisdom they moved to another state (one is
married and it was just too difficult to drink/drug at home) and now all
three are "happily" in another state.
Last week, the wife calls my sister. One is in jail and she cannot find
the other as he has taken the "group's" car and now the first cannot get out
of jail.
My sister must have an angel on her shoulder as she said, "You know, I am
going to give you complete authority to be adults today. Call me later and
let me know how it turned out." And then she hung up the phone.
When she called to tell me what was happening I almost busted a gut
laughing so hard. Do I know what the fella's are going through? You bet --
I am alkie, my brother is an alkie, and my sister tried to make the squad
(Our parents did not drink).
So how did we change our lives -- the people who loved us stopped picking
us up and made us pick ourselves up or not - but it was up to us. That was
the beginning. AA was the next step.
"Call me later and let know how it turned out." What a powerful phrase.
Much more powerful than "Let me make it all right." Let's face it... who
wants to work the farm when you're getting corn for free.
Bobby L
"greccogirl" <grecc...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:3F4FEC9F...@yahoo.com...
Devon Brown
Like others in here I can tell you that I too caused my parents untold
grief. I do not know why I behaved the way I did, other than to say
Alcoholism. I can remember being so very hurt when my mother was not
believing the lie I was telling her. I did not see the obvious. I was in my
early 20s. My mother gave me an ultimatum, which I knew she meant, either I
went to AA or I left the family home. At the age of 23 I went to AA and now
at the age of 62 I am about to celebrate 39 years sobriety in AA. I can
remember hating my mother with an intensity I cannot describe because of the
ultimatum she gave me, but I will be forever in her debt for what she did. I
can now appreciate all the other things that she did for me, but if she had
never done anything else, getting me to go to AA was the best thing that
anyone has ever done for me. I am now a father of 4 and a grandfather of 3.
I would have been dead years ago and I would never have experienced things
like Peace, Joy, Dignity and Love. these were qualities I learned and
experienced only after getting sober. I wish you peace and I shall remember
you in my prayers. Devon