Bring on Ambrose Bierce and Bernard Shaw qu

[Bruce Sherrod]

Some Ambrose Beirce from my collection:

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Telephone, n.:
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
Infancy, n.:
The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
afterward.
-- Ambrose Bierce (?)
|
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
DAN STANFORD (Who? I don't know)
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
OSCAR WILDE
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
OLIVER'S LAW
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
F.P. JONES
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
ANONYMOUS
Experience is a hard teacher.
She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
ANONYMOUS
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of
youth for those of age.
AMBROSE BIERCE
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
JIM HORNING
|
Telephone, n.:
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
Infancy, n.:
The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
afterward.
-- Ambrose Bierce (?)
|
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
DAN STANFORD (Who? I don't know)
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
OSCAR WILDE
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
OLIVER'S LAW
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
F.P. JONES
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
ANONYMOUS
Experience is a hard teacher.
She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
ANONYMOUS
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of
youth for those of age.
AMBROSE BIERCE
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
JIM HORNING
|
Abatis, n.:
Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from
molesting the rubbish inside.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Aborigines, n.:
Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered
country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Absentee, n.:
A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself
from the sphere of exaction.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Abstainer, n.:
A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Absurdity, n.:
A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Academy, n.:
A modern school where football is taught.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Accomplice, n.:
One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and
complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty.
This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto
commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee
for assenting.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Accuse, v.t.:
To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification
of ourselves for having wronged him.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Acquaintance, n.:
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough
to lend to.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Adage, n.:
Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Admiration, n.:
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
African, n.:
A nigger that votes our way.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Agitator, n.:
A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors -- to dislodge the
worms.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Aim, n.:
The task we set our wishes to.
"Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"
She tenderly inquired.
"An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;
The fact is -- I have fired."
G. J.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Alliance, n.:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands
so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately
plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Alone, adj.:
In bad company.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Ambidextrous, adj.:
Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Amnesty, n.:
The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would too expensive
to punish.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Anoint, v.t.: To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Aphorism, n.:
Predigested wisdom.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Appeal, v.t.:
In law, to put to dice into the box for another throw.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Arena, n.:
In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his
record.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Aristocracy, n.:
Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is
that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean
shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Arrest, v.t.:
Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the
seventh. -- _The_Unauthorized_Version_
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Art, n.:
This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the
ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.
One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? --
Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
And said it was a god's name! Straight arose
Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
Amazed, the populace the rites attend,
Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
And, inly edified to learn that two
Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
And sell their garments to support the priests.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Asperse, v.t.:
Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the
temptation and opportunity to commit.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Auctioneer, n.:
The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with
his tongue.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Bacchus, n.:
A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Bait, n.:
A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind
is beauty.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Barometer, n.:
An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Battle , n.:
A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield
to the tongue.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Beard, n.:
The hair which is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd
Chinese custom of shaving the head.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Belladonna, n.:
In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking
example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Bigot, n.:
One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you
do not entertain.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Blank-verse, n.:
Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult kind of English verse to
write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot
acceptably write any kind.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Body-snatcher, n.:
A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that
with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. The hyena.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Bore, n.:
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Boundary, n.:
In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating
the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Brain, n.:
The apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes
the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do
something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into
high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors
cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican
form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by
exemption from the cares of office.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in
an opponent.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Brandy, n.:
A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightening, one part remorse,
two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave, and four
parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by
Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink
it.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Bride, n.:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Brute, n.:
See HUSBAND.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Cabbage, n.:
A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Callous, adj.:
Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Cerberus, n.:
The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance --
against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later,
had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Christian, n.:
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book
admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
with a life of sin.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Clairvoyant, n.:
A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is
invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Commerce, n.:
A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and
for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Congratulation, n:
The civility of envy.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Congress, n.:
A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Coronation, n.:
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs
of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Corporation, n.:
An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual
responsibility.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Court Fool, n.:
The plaintiff.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Critic, n.:
A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to
please him.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Cui Bono? (Latin):
What good would that do me?
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Cynic, n.:
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they
ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Damn, v.:
A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is
lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term
of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquility.
Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of
tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the
word "jod" or "god," meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence that
I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these
formidable authorities.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Dawn, n.:
The time when men of reason go to bed.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Day, n.:
A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided
into two parts, that day proper and the night, or day improper -- the
former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other
sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Debt, n.:
An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.
No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on the Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress.
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness -- that is low --
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."
Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, so somehow, got.
G.J.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Defenseless, adj:
Unable to attack.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Deliberation, n.:
The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Deluge, n.:
A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and
sinners) of the world.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Dentist, n.:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of
one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Diagnosis, n.:
A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Diary, n.:
A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself
without blushing.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Dictionary, n.:
A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and
making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful
work.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Diplomacy, n.:
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Discussion, n.:
A method of confirming others in their errors.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Distress, n.:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Dramatist, n.:
One who adapts plays from the French.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Eavesdrop, v.i.:
Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or
yourself.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Edible, adj:
Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a
snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Education, n.:
That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their
lack of understanding.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Egotist, n.:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Electricity, n.:
The power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by
something else. It is the same thing as lightening, and its famous
attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents
in that great and good man's career. The memory of Dr. Franklin is justly
held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxen effigy was
recently on exhibition, bearing the foloowing touching account of his life
and services to science:
"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious
savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died
on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not
a single fragment was ever recovered."
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Exile, n.:
One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Famous, adj.:
Conspicuously miserable.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Fashion, n.:
A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Fiddle, n.:
An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the
entrails of a cat.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Garter, n.:
An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Grammar, n.:
A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made
man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Grapeshot, n.:
An answer which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of
American Socialism.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Grave, n.:
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical
student.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Gravitation, n.:
The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength
proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain -- the quantity of
matter then contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency
to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of
how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Guillotine, n.:
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Hand, n.:
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust
into somebody's pocket.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Habeas Corpus:
A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the
wrong crime.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Happiness, n.:
An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Harangue, n.:
A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Heathen, n.:
A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can
see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State
University, Hebrews are heathens.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Heaven, n.:
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their
personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound
your own.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Hebrew, n.:
A male Jew, as distinguished from a Shebrew, an altogether superior
creation.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Hippogriff, n.:
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The
griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle,
which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology
is full of surprises.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Historian, n.:
A broad-gauge gossip.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
History, n.:
An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought
about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Homicide, n.:
The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of
homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it
makes no difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or
another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Honorable, adj.:
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Hovel, n.:
The fruit of the flower called the Palace.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Husband, n.:
One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Idiot, n.:
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs
has always been dominant and controlling.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Ignoramus, n.:
A person unacquiainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to
yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Impartial, adj.:
Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Impiety, n.:
Your irreverence toward my deity.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Income, n.:
The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly
accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as
"Sir Syophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked, "the true use
and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth -- coins or land, or
houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of
right to one's own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments
and place, and all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or
ableness, are but to get money."
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Incompatibility, n.:
In matrimony, a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Incompossible, adj.:
Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible
when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough
for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man. Instead
of such low language as "Go heel yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight,"
the words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would convey an equally significant
intimation and in stately courtesy are altogether superior.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Ink,n.:
A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Interpreter, n.:
One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each
other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's
advantage for the other to have said.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Jealous, adj:
Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if
not worth keeping.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Kleptomanianc, n.:
A rich thief.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Koran, n.:
A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by
divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture,
contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Lawful, adj:
Compatible with the will of a judge having juristiction.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Lawyer, n.:
One skilled in circumvention of the law.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Lecturer, n.:
One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in
your patience.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Liberty, n.:
One of Imagination's most previous possessions.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Logic, n.:
The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations
and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the
syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion --
thus:
MAJOR PREMISE: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
as one man,
MINOR PREMISE: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore --
CONCLUSION: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called a syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic
with mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Longevity, n.:
Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Loquacity, n.:
A disorder with renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you
wish to talk.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Love, n.:
A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient
from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease,
like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized
races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure
air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes
fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Mace, n.:
A staff signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates
its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Mad, adj.:
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence . . .
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Magic, n.:
The art of turning superstition into coin.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Magnet, n.:
Something acted upon by magnetism.

Magnetism, n.:
Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Male, n.:
A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human
race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has
two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Man, n.:
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Marriage, n.:
The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress,
and two slaves, making in all, two.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Me, pro.:
The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three
cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all
three.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Miracle, n.:
An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating
a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Misfortune, n.:
The kind of fortune that never misses.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Miss, n.:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate
that they are in the market.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Molecule, n.:
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the
corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer
resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation. The present
trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs
from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Monday, n.:
In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Mythology, n.:
The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early
history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true
accounts which it invents later.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Newtonian, adj.:
Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe, invented by Newton, who
discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say
why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to
say when.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Obstinate, adj.:
Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of
our advocacy.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Occident, n.:
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely
inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose
principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to
call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries
of the Orient.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Ocean, n.:
A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
man -- who has no gills.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Once, adv.:
Enough.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Opportunity, n.:
A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Orthodox, n.:
An ox wearing the popular religious yoke.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Ostrich, n.:
A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that
hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous
evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no
defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not
fly.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Painting, n.:
The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them
to the critic.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Patience, n.:
A minor form of despair, diguised as a virture.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Patriotism, n:
Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate
his name.
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Peace, n.:
In international affairs, a period of cheating between periods of fighting.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Pedestrian, n.:
The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Perseverance, n.:
A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Piano, n.:
A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by
depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Pig, n.:
An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the
splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in
scope, for it sticks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Pitiful, adj.:
The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Plagiarize, v.:
To take the thought or style of another writer whom one had never, never
read.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Platonic, adj.:
Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Plenipotentiary, adj.:
Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute
authority on condition that he never exert it.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Politeness, n.:
The most acceptable hypocrisy.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Politician, n.:
An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Politics, n.:
A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct
of public affairs for private advantage.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Positive, adj.:
Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Poverty, n.:
A file for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for
its abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus
that of the philosophers who know nothing about it.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Pray, v.:
To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single
petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Prerogative, n.:
A sovereign's right to do wrong.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Projectile, n.:
The final arbiter in international disputes.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Prude, n.:
A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Quill, n.:
A portable implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by
an ass.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Rabble, n.:
In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent
elections.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Rash, adj.:
Insensible to the value of our advice.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Reasonable, adj:
Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion,
dissuasion and evasion.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Recruit, n.:
A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier
by his gait.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Redemption, n.:
Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through the murder of
the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the
fundamental mystery of our holy religion, whoso believeth in it shall not
perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Reporter, n.:
A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest
of words.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Resolute, adj.:
Obstinate in a course that we approve.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Riot, n.:
A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Robber, n.:
A candid man of affairs.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Rope, n.:
An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal.
It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Rostrum, n.:
In Latin, the beak of a bird or prow of a ship. In American, a place from
which a candidate for office energentically expounds the wisdom, virtue,
and power of the rabble.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Rubbish, n.:
Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures,
arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south
from Boreaplas.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Sabbath, n.:
A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world
in six dayas and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance
of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian
version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly."
To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be
the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other
views.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Saint, n.:
A dead sinner revised and edited.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Saw, n.:
Trite popular saying, or proverb. So called because it makes its way into
a wooden head.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Scriptures, n.:
The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false
and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Selfish, adj.:
Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Slang, n.:
The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear,
and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Success, n.:
The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Syllogism, n.:
A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an
inconsequent.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Truthful, adj:
Dumb and illiterate.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Tzetze Fly, n.:
An African insect (Glossina morsitans) whose bite is commonly regarded as
nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer
that of the American novelist.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Vote, n.:
The instrument and symbol of a free man's power to make a fool of himself
and a wreck of his country.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Wit, n.:
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his intellectual cookery
by leaving it out.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Witch, n.:
(1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil.
(2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond
the devil.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Year, n.:
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Electricity seems destined to play a most important part
in the arts and industries. The question of it's economical
application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment
has already proved that it will propel a street car better
than a gas jet and give more light than a horse.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Satan . . . was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he
paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is
one favor that I should like to ask," said he.
"Name it."
"Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws."
"What, wretch! You, his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn
of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make his
laws?"
"Pardon; what I ask is that he be permitted to make them himself."
It was so ordered.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
A penny saved is a penny to squander.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Better late than before anybody has invited you.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Example is better than following it.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
Where there's a will, there's a won't.
-- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
|

-- Bruce