How to proceed?

[artof...@gmail.com]

Hello,

No doubt this is going to come off as awkward and slightly disjointed so I apologize in advance.

My partner (I'll refer to her as L) and I have been together for 4.5 years, we're very happy and very much in love. We do not ascribe to the notion that humans are pair-bonding beings by nature and that you should have only one partner for a lifetime. We have always sort of identified with the term "monogamish" to describe our own sexuality but we haven't really actively pursued sexual relationships outside of our own. Aside from a few make out sessions with others, we've had no other sexual partners until...

Recently, I took an interest in another woman (I'll refer to her as A). With L's permission, I began exploring the possibility of having a sexual encounter with A and it happened. The result has been an explosion of sexual activity between myself and L and a very noticeable increase in my libido. Which has been wonderful as things had become a bit stagnant of late, sexually speaking.

L and I discussed this first sexual encounter and she was okay with it but was keen to establish some basic ground rules. For now, the rule is that she does not want to have to compete for my time and that if she wants to know details, she will ask me but that I needn't volunteer details. L is my priority and I am determined to not do anything to compromise our relationship but I am, naturally excited about the recent increase in sexiness in our lives and hope it can continue.

Which is why I have come to you.

Shortly after our exciting encounter, "A" left for a 2.5 week trip. She expressed some concern about becoming the "other woman" because she is friends with "L" and doesn't want what we're doing to have an adverse effect on our relationship. I explained the ground rules that "L" and I set and "A" seemed ok with the arrangement, although still a bit nervous, which I respect.

"A" and I have been communicating/flirting almost daily (via text mainly, although we did enjoy some phone play tonight) since she left a week ago and I recognize that a part of me feels as though I am cheating.

I haven't told "L" that "A" and I are communicating and eagerly planning our next encounter when she returns and although she specifically stated that if she wants to know, she'll ask, I'm not sure when/if I should mention that A and I have been communicating.

Also, I'd like to be able to spend time with "A" with my partner's blessing and participation if that possibility arises. So, on some level, I'd like to gently bring this up with "L".

Any advice you can offer on how I might proceed would be greatly appreciated. I recognize that there are complexities that far exceed what I have outlined about my situation. I will not take your word as gospel. I am just seeking a little guidance.

Thank you for your time and for providing this space.

Kindly,
AP

[Guy W. Thomas]

Hi there,

This sort of depends on what L means by details. I can understand
someone not being particularly interested in step-by-step details of
their partners sexual encounter with someone else, but letting a partner
know you've been chatting with someone else or you are planning a date
with another person doesn't seem like a detail. To me it's just
coordinating schedules.

What you are experiencing now is well known as "new relationship energy"
and it is pretty fun for a while. It is something you need to be careful
about because it's easy to ignore your original partner with all of the
excitement of the new relationship. I think it's important to be
especially cognizant of how your partner is feeling as you start the new
relationship with A. In the future you may find it useful to sit down
with L again and review how things are going. Rules/agreements may need
to change or maybe everything's just fine. It's good to check.

I know that it is a favorite fantasy, but don't hold your breath on your
sweeties wanting to "join in". I know it has happened, but nowhere near
as often as one may want it to.


--

Guy W. Thomas
San Leandro, CA
http://www.xango.org http://stonebender.livejournal.com/


"There's a rule in acting called, 'Don't play the result.' If you have a
character who's going to end up in a certain place, don't play that
until you get there. Play each scene and each beat as it comes. And
that's what you do in life: You don't play the result."
-- Michael J. Fox

[artof...@gmail.com]

Hello Guy,

Thanks very much for your response. I can't tell you how much I appreciate being able to converse with someone who has had some experience in how polyamorous relationships function.

It's been about a month now and things have progressed into a different direction. I certainly am less inclined to think I will be inviting A into our bedroom. And it seems as though it's moved a bit beyond sex into something a deeper, picnics in the park and hand-holding for example. I would really like to explore the possibility of having a polyamorous relationship with L and A.

I agree with you regarding the "new relationship energy" something I experienced quite intensely in my twenties. But I feel I've been very cognizant about checking in with L (my primary, I guess is the appropriate term?) Although, she is supportive of my exploring things with A, she's less comfortable with the idea of my having an actual relationship with her and this is where I could use some advice.

Any recommendations on how to carefully broach the topic of having a relationship with A outside of my primary relationship with L without coming off as sounding greedy? And how this could actually work in reality?

I'm just unsure as to how to bring up the discussion. It is so odd to be nearly 40 and feeling so inexperienced. Any thoughts?

Please feel free to ask any questions if you need clarification before expressing thoughts/opinions.

And, again, thank you for taking the time to chat with me. It helps so much!