Fabulous satire. Thanks for sharing.
...
> "Patriot Act being used to solve Valerie Plame case"
> Printed on Friday, July 02, 2004 @ 16:00:42 CDT ( )
> By Raff Ellis
> YellowTimes.org Columnist (United States)
> (YellowTimes.org) -- Early on Saturday morning last an elite FBI Swat
> team, in an unusual coordination with the CIA, broke down the doors of
> Vice President Cheney’s Blair House residence, overpowering the secret
> service agents in a well-planned and executed operation, and took the VP
> into custody. Simultaneously, other teams also apprehended Karl Rove and
> conservative commentator Robert Novak. Attempts by media and legal
> representatives to ascertain the charges or whereabouts of the detainees
> were unsuccessful
> Attorney General John Ashcroft was unavailable for comment and speculation
> indicated that he had barricaded himself at one of the several shadow
> government bunkers in the hills of Virginia. Reportedly he had been
> tipped off by the head of the FBI that the arrests were going to take
> place and was worried that he was on the list.
> FBI and Homeland Security officials would divulge nothing but the terse
> statement that arrests were made in the interests of national security.
> “It has to do with a terrorist plot that has endangered many American
> lives,” was the only official comment offered.
> Media pundits, using unidentified sources, have determined that the three
> were captured in response to the outing of Valerie Plame, a CIA undercover
> agent. It appears that the revelation by Novak that Plame, the wife of
> former administration intelligence expert Richard Clarke, was in violation
> of US Code, Section 421 dealing with disclosure of the identities of
> American covert agents. Although Novak has admitted he was given the
> information by a “high level” administration source, he heretofore has
> refused to name that source, claiming First Amendment rights and the
> protection of confidential sources.
> There is some question as to whether American citizens can be apprehended
> and kept incommunicado but apparently the precedent has been set with
> several similar security detentions, most notably American citizen Jose
> Padilla. Even considering the latest Supreme Court ruling, allowing
> Guantanamo detainees to file writs, it’s still up in the air who or what
> district will have jurisdiction.
> “But Padilla is a terrorist,” Cheney’s aid Scooter Libby screamed at
> reporters. “This is not fair—what has America come to?” This outburst
> sent reporters scurrying to research the definitions of terrorist and
> terrorist acts. Many had not read the Patriot Act and didn’t see how that
> could apply. One newsman commented that the Act was incomprehensible and
> referred to so many other laws, complete with intricate legal phrasing,
> that it was well nigh impossible to find an appropriate statute.
> Back in their newsrooms, media executive were researching online databases
> to find precedents that might apply to these arrests. They found several
> cases where people had disappeared into the maw of the security net that
> had been cast after the summary passing of the Patriot Act several days
> after 9/11. But these were all low level, rather nondescript aliens and
> naturalized citizens, many of whom have been tried in secret and
> convicted, or pleaded guilty to plots to blow up bridges or buildings.
> Editors gave orders to their investigative reporters to unearth the
> appropriate statutes or legal precedents that might have been used for the
> arrests.
> A short time later a reporter for the Washington Post found a reference
> for terrorist definition in US Code, Title 18, Sec.2331, which states:
> “the term ''domestic terrorism'' means activities that involve acts
> dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the
> United States or of any State. It appears that the outing of Plame as a
> covert CIA operative did indeed endanger lives of other CIA agents or
> their human assets, much the same way the Aldrich Ames treachery did.
> Speculation now centers on how the detainees are being treated and whether
> or not family members will be told where they are or be able to see them.
> Writs of Habeas Corpus can no longer be used to force the appearance of
> these men as it was suspended in Section 412 of the Patriot Act, ‘Sec.
> 236A, ‘(b) “… no court shall have jurisdiction to review, by habeas corpus
> petition or otherwise, any such action [incarceration] or decision.“
> Mrs. Cheney, who has been harshly critical of the anti-war movement,
> decried the heavy-handed way in which her husband was taken into custody.
> “They didn’t knock, just broke down the doors and ordered everyone on the
> floor,” she wailed. “Can you imagine—they put a foul-smelling hood over
> his head. It’s absolutely un-American! Reporters could find no friends
> or relatives of Karl Rove to be interviewed, lending further credibility
> to the rumor he may indeed be an alien. Robert Novak’s associates, who
> declined comment on the advice of a phalanx of attorneys, are wary of
> these developments and the potential application of the same laws against
> them.
> A few pundits speculated that the trio had been spirited off to Guantanamo
> by government jet because one of the FBI agents was overheard to remark
> that these people needed to be “Gitmoized.” Concern was expressed that
> the trio might now be undergoing interrogation, using the same “pressure”
> techniques that Cheney and others had allegedly advocated and approved.
> “Chances are they have been stripped naked and forced to stand for hours
> on end, while listening to loud rock music,” a military media consultant
> and panel member on Meet the Press opined. “Just deplorable,” said George
> Will. “What’s this country coming to?” On talk radio, Rush Limbaugh was
> outraged as he announced, “This ain’t no fraternity prank, folks, I’ll
> tell you that.” Falwell and Robertson also worried out loud that the men
> might be stripped naked, piled on top of each other and exposed to
> prostitutes in simulated sex scenes, complete with pictures. “Such
> humiliation,” they exclaimed, “sounds like something the Clinton folks
> would do.
> Pundit speculation has ranged all the way from the three pleading guilty,
> as in “taking one for the big guy,” to turning state’s evidence against
> others in the administration rather than subjecting themselves to
> indefinite incarceration without recourse or appeal. Many of the cases
> researched by the press seem to have ended this way.
> In any event, the Valerie Plame case is now on its way to resolution.
> Those who railed against the Patriot Act and the use of “mild” torture as
> being ineffective are hanging their heads in shame today. Is this a great
> country or what?
> [Raff Ellis lives in the United States and is a retired former strategic
> planner and computer industry executive. He has had an abiding and active
> interest in the Middle East since early adulthood and has traveled to the
> region many times over the last 30 years.]
> Raff Ellis encourages your comments: rel...@YellowTimes.org
> YellowTimes.org is an international news and opinion publication.
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