The choice of this election is crystal clear:
patkel...@my-deja.com
The choice of this election is crystal clear:
Do you want to reward dirty tricks and terrorism or do you
want a President who has earned the privilege:
http://www.10mbfree.com/koppel/clint.htm
>
>
>
>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
RTV
<patkel...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:8tpmj6$9lr$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
>
>
> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>
> Do you want to reward dirty tricks and terrorism or do you
> want a President who has earned the privilege:
>
> http://www.10mbfree.com/koppel/clint.htm
>
> >
Please explain what relevance this political shit has to do with music
bootlegs?
Stan Kegel
Pat Kelly SPAMed:
> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
Please do not post to alt.humor.puns without at least one pun.
Here are a few examples of how it is possible to make political comments humorously.:
The Debate
During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said,
"One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water
colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."
The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a
magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops,
or magic balls he would always fascinate us."
The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that."
The MC of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give
it your best."
The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal,
one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten
buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that
. . . she could only fasten eight."
Car Trouble
A lawyer member of the British Parliament, driving back from a day of
fox hunting with other members of the bar, had a bit of car trouble,
much to his frustration. When he called a local garage for help they
sent a tow truck driven by a blockhead who only made matters worse: He
hoisted up the MP's car, complete with the indignant MP, his howling
dogs and angry legal friends, and headed down the road. . . . It was a
Tory, towed by an idiot, full of hounds and jury, dignifying nothing.
(By Terry Tallis)
Soviet Research
So the Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to
spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found
out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded
twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time.
Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was
called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on
American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million
dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the
secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to
send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was
processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None
returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to
useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the
actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in
Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know
that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.
The message read, "You are wasting your money. Everyone knows ... that
it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"
The Politician
With politics constantly in the news, it seems time to tell you about
when former Vice-President Hubert Humphrey was just starting in
politics. The accepted way of meeting prospective voters and
contributors, was to organize afternoon gatherings or teas and serve
light refreshments. The idea had been used for a long time and it wasn't
as effective as it once had been.
Hubert, always the innovator, kept trying new methods. He had a good
friend in the actor Alan Alda who, in his spare time managed a number of
different entertainment groups. One of the groups was a singing quartet,
The Kingsmen.
Hubert employed this singing group, as well as a second Alda group,
several beautiful and overly amorous ladies from Norway, to spice up his
parties.
But it didn't work.
The newspapers the next day headlined, . . . "Alda's cling Norses and
Alda's Kingsmen couldn't put Humphrey's dumb teas back to gather again."
(By Terry Tallis)
Communist Russia
After Stalin died, he was succeeded by Beria. Shortly after his
appointment as leader of the Soviet Union, Beria was assassinated. The
assassinator shouted as he shot the Premier, ... I came to seize Beria,
not to praise him.”Quaylified for President? 5-20-99
WARNING: For those of you who are tired of bird puns, do not sCROW down!
It's not too late to TERN back now! Don't say I didn't WREN you!
PHEASANT Greetings! As some of you may know JAY Danforth QUAYLE has
thrown his hat in the ring and is seeking the Republican Party
nomination for the President of these United States. Of course, we all
know who Dan Quayle is...the former vice-president in the Bush
Administration. Many people thought that Bush was cradle-ROBIN when he
picked Quayle to be his running mate because he was so young at the
time. We all know what kind of vice-president he made...SPARROWS the
details, you say! It seems to me he has been the most PARROTied
vice-president in recent history, if not OWL of history. It seems like
nowadays anyone who runs for public office has to TEAL with the press.
Anything that you have done in your life can be used as EMUnition
against you in the court of public oPINION, we all know how they
continue to WHIP POOR WILL in the press but that is neither HERON nor there.
Back to Quayle, I consider him to be a MYNAH candidate but what if, in
OSTRICH of the imagination, all of MUD-HEN he did get the nomination?
What tHEN? Whenever I hear him sBEAK I just have to WINGce because I'm
always afraid of what he might say. If he became President, what would
he be like when it came to matters of State? Could he stand up to some
STORK-RAVEN mad NUTHATCHing a plan or any other LOONatic who tried to
mess with the U.S.? Or, God forbid, we were invaded by MARSH-HENS? Let
OSPREY that he would be able to handle those situations and not THRUSH
into something that we might EGRET later! On the other hand, he might
actual make a very good President because he doesn't seem to me to be
the type to be in the center of a scandal, unlike the President from
AUKansas. Can you imagine a HARRIER scandal than the ones Clinton has
been a part of? No, I don't see Quayle giving GULL inTERNS FLAMING "O"s
in the Oval Office or GREBEing White House volunteers in the buttocks.
Or lying about PUFFIN on a joint. You can FRIGATE about all of that! He
might DUCK the issues but so does every other politician.
Your GOOSE is as good as mine on what kind of President he will make
and as we fINCH toward November 2000 anything can happen. AL BAT ROSS
Perot might even try running again.
By the way, ORIOLE going to vote? This is one way you can PIGEON and
decide on the issues. What ever party you are affiliated with EIDER the
Democratic Party or the Republican Party (oxymoron) you need to
DOWITCHER conscience tells you. IBISeein' ya! (By Tiff Wimberly)
Al Gore
Before Al Gore became vice president of the United States, he worked
briefly as a drummer for a little known night club act. Some people say
that during that time he came up with the best most mathematically
precise rhythms ever known to man. They are now called appropriately
enough:. . . Al Gore Rhythms.
A Dangerous Vice President
I was listening today to a radio station out of San Antonio that
delivers as a part of their mid-day report, important information for
farmers & ranchers about the cost of hay and the latest prices of steers
at auction. The announcer was cutting away for a break and promised as
he finished up, "More AGNEWS and weather after this..." I'm willing to
listen to a lot of stuff on the radio but I had to put a NIX ON that.
WATERGATE waste of time that would be. I'd rather spend 18 minutes
shopping at the GAP. Probably ROSEMARY WOOD too. (By Gary Hallock)
EISENHOWER or five behind on my work but I had to stop and say that,
HOOVER upset you are with what you heard on the radio, I've heard worse.
WILSON see worse again if our next Prez gets GOREd to death by
bloodthirsty reporters. And he's very intelligent--a COOLIDGE grad and
then some. I went to the pool hall last night (well, for the purposes of
this essay <g>) and there were rows and ROOSEVELT covered with balls.
Guys aimed their sticks at the balls--the very thought made me
wince--and all talked about politics as they shot. A fellow named Jack
seemed to be the local champ; he had brought his offspring to see how
it's done, and JACKSON seemed to be learning fast both to shoot pool and
to shoot down pols. "KENNEDY pass without you making some nasty
anti-political comment?" one apolitical chap curtly commented. "With
your ignorance, you can't afFORD to make cracks--you're strictly BUSH
league," Jack countered. Just then a woman sauntered into the pool hall
who definitely had her mind on a different kind of balls. Raising her
skirt, she displayed her CARTER belt and took the guys' minds right off
politics and pool with one fell swoop. Finally LINCOLN arms with one of
the guys, she exited stage right, dumbfounding all the denizens of the
pool hall and putting the NIXON both pool and politics for the night.
Nobody else tried to cut in, which made me ask the guys, "Are you TAFT
to let her get away like that? A TRUMAN would fight for the lady's
favors!" But the guys were in a lust-induced HAYES and couldn't even
think. My words didn't even PIERCE their brains. I opened the deli bag I
was carrying, removed the pomeGRANT I had brought with me, and began
eating, till one of the guys POLKed me and said, "I'm the owner of this
joint. I could FILLMORE pool halls if I had women like that visiting
regularly than I ever can with the guys just arguing politics when
they're shooting. Then I glanced out the window and saw that a deluge
had started while I was inside. I exclaimed, "Hoot, MONROE home if
you've got a boat, 'cause the roads sure aren't going to be passable."
It rained for longer than Roosevelt reigned, and we all reined in our
comments about politics for the rest of the evening till the water went
down and we could leave. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Gulag Poets
In Communist Russia, it was a crime to write anything against the
state. In came to pass during one of Stalin’s purges that a group of
romantic poets were arrested for crimes against the state and sentenced
to a prison on an island on the Gulag Archipelago where they were
imprisoned with shackles on their ankles. They soon discovered that the
only other occupant of the island besides their guards was a beautiful
young woman. In their efforts to escape to reach her the poets began to
thrash one another, thereby demonstrating that ... bards of a fetter
flog to get her.
Rum
A high ranking official from the Clinton Administration was invited to
speak at a banquet tendered by the Don Q Rum Corp. in Puerto Rico. The
man delivered his speech nobly, but for one fatal flaw. He persisted in
referring to his hosts as the "makers of that wonderful Bacardi rum.”
Every time he mentioned the competing name "Bacardi", an official from
Don Q would jump up and correct him saying, "Don Q, senor, Don Q !" The
smiling Clinton aide would answer, ... "You're welcome.”
Iranian Leader
Recently, I overheard a couple of the undergraduate students talking
about Modern Persia, a country which currently is under the
less-than-benevolent leadership of the Amatolah and immams. Was there
history before these leaders? These students didn't have a clue. They
could not even remember the name for the old, expensive, Persian
shoulder wrap that was so much a part of the lifestyle of that time. In
fact, it took a revolution to remove it from the backs of the people.
Don't you remember? I am talking about the ... Shawl of Iran, of course.
The White House
Overheard at the White House:
”I can’t believe he did it right in the Oval Office.”
“You know, he doesn’t consider the shape to be oval, and in addition,
he did not think it was a sexual relationship. He feels that it’s only
an Oval Office if you do it there with a small breasted female
undercover agent.”
“What?”
“Don’t you see? ... Its never oval ’til the flat lady stings.” (By
Gregg Opelka)
Freedom Fighter
Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet
domination, a valiant freedom-fighter was wandering through the Czech
countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent who was in hot pursuit. He
found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge. Soon he
found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle, so our
hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a suit of medieval
armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet agent gave up in
disgust and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his
native land. Why didn't the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?
Very simple: As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any such
capitalistic lie as that ... there was a Czech in the mail.
The Hijacking
One day the police department of Podunk City received an "all-points
bulletin" that the state police were looking for a particularly vicious
carjacker who operated out of the parking lots of retail stores. They
posted the information on the board and Chief Small asked his officers
to keep their eye out, especially at their brand new 10-store shopping
center -- but to no avail.
The eventually got just two more pieces of information. First all these
carjackings were dome by one lone male, and secondly the man spoke with
a definite middle-European accent. Perhaps the man was from Prague.
In the meantime the town fathers and mothers were debating about
selling their shopping center to a big chain. Eventually, the details
were worked out and the deal went through. The shopping center was
enlarged and closed in to permit more comfortable shopping. The parking
lot was enlarged and the whole center was renamed Podunk City
As soon as Chief Small saw the new shopping center, he assigned all
three of his night force to patrol the new parking lot. The next day
they caught the perpetrator!
The Mayor called the chief into his office and congratulated him and
his staff for a job well done. When he asked the Chief how he had done
it, the Chief said that it was simple deduction. He was sure that ...
the Czech was in the mall!
Kurds
The Iranians and the Kurds were having it out again, warring. The Kurds
were advancing pretty rapidly, and the Iranians wanted to know how to
stop them. They consulted their imam, who asked how many Kurds there
were. When told that there were 750,000 Kurds on the front, the imam
said to amass 375,000 bones and erect a shrine to Allah with them; that
that would stop the Kurds dead in their tracks -- paralyze them, in
fact. When asked why, he replied, "that way, ... we still two Kurds with
one bone." (By Michael Hamm)
I came to Bury Caesar
California decriminalizes Caesar salad and Libertarian Party cheers "victory"
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar salad
this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian Party said today.
"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad,"
noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter. "That's why,
on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have always been pro-legalization."
Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California
legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that used
raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included Caesar salad,
which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged. The
outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel the
criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what might have
become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine lettuce, raw
eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday, has
Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised.
"We have to compliment California legislators for their rare display of
good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we're a bit surprised that
they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad law entirely."
Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid, gradual
approach, said Winter, perhaps...
* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so the
government could do a medical background check for raw-egg allergies.
* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with a
vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a small amount
of Caesar salad for their own personal use.
* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps with a
commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying pan with a
raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your brain. This is
your brain on Caesar salad."
* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar salad, on
the grounds that it may be an adolescent's gateway-salad to stronger
stuff, like macaroni salad or three-bean salad.
But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected
victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue that
it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.
"We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep and bear
a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar salad," said
Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those political eggheads
who think they have the right to micromanage every aspect of our lives
-- down to the type of salad we buy in a restaurant. Hopefully,
politicians will learn ... TO JUST LETTUCE ALONE." (By Wayne Lewis)
Politics As Usual
Congressional Democrats have been upset with the President for hogging
most of the DNC money raised in 1996 while leaving many in the party
vulnerable in their own local races. It seems that this imbalance still
hasn't been corrected. In fact, the imbalance is so out-of-whack that
the Oval Office can now be referred to as a ... "Den of In-equity."
The Anti-War Activist
In the spring of 1968, circumstances required that student antiwar
activist, Mark Rudd and his wife leave town in a hurry. But there was
one hitch to their planned journey, they wanted a set of expensive
stereo speakers.
The couple was distraught. They turned for advice to their favorite
professor at Columbia. The sage listened patiently as they explained
their dilemma, then leaned back and rendered his verdict. ... “Gather ye
Bose, Rudds, while ye may.” (By Don Hauptman)
The Meeting
When I was with State Highway, I was invited to address a DAR
(Daughters of the American Revolution) sub-committee meeting concerning
the impact a proposed highway widening would have on their meeting hall.
The chairwoman, sensing my reluctance, said, "Surely you don't object
to clubs for women."
"No, not at all." I replied. . . . "But only as a last resort, and
only when all other means of persuasion fail." (By Jim Jr.)
My Dream
I dreamt last night that we were at war with Iraq. Iraqi bombers were
flying overhead and I was worried about what Suddam Hussein would do.
Then, hundreds of parrots dropped on to the roof of my house. Their
strong beaks started to tear the tiles to shreds. Rain was forecast for
tomorrow and my house would be flooded.
I suddenly realized that the parrots were Suddam's secret weapon . . .
Iraqi Parrot Roofers. They had been dropped by parrot chute.
Coins
In the early days of the United States, to keep power away from
Washington, many people suggested that currency should be produced
locally. Texas, as you would expect, was vociferous in its belief that
both coinage and notes should be produced in the smaller towns. The real
problem was obviously that differences in the designs of bills could
lead to problems - potentially unrecognisable notes - though in the
longer term, actually minting the required number of coins was the real
headache. One complaint stopped the whole idea .... You may have PUN's
.... but there's no cents of Yuma! (By Jon Hood)
The Jester
A court jester is called before the queen, who has been consistently
upset by his awful jokes, in particular his wretched puns. She fires him
and orders him banished from the castle.
The jester pleads with the queen to remain within the castle walls,
offering to take any job, no matter how menial. The queen agrees and
gives him one of the lowliest jobs available, equipment manager for the
royal seamstress.
Overjoyed, the jester thanks the queen, and promises to work very hard
at his new position. "In fact, your majesty, I shall adopt a new motto:
. . . 'No pin untended!'" (By Tim Clark)
Visit to U. S.
During a recent visit to the United States, Bishop Tutu of South Africa
visited some relatives in Tennessee. Until then, nobody knew that he was
a ... Chattanooga Tutu.
The Terrorists
A group of Lebanese guerillas were on trial in Beirut for a terrorist
bombing. Jury selection was underway. The group’s lawyers believed their
clients were guilty. There was only one way that the terrorists could
get away with anything less than a death sentence. That was to stack
the jury with people who were sympathetic to their cause. In other
words, ... Life is just Hezbollah juries.
Baghdad Restaurant
The American arms inspector goes to a Baghdad restaurant for a quick
bite and orders a meat pie. A few bites, he realizes there's only a tiny
slab of meat at the middle of the pie, the rest being vegetables.
"Waiter, how can you call this a meat pie?" "Aah, but you see sir, these
days of sanctions, ... it is difficult to make ends meat.
Registration 1-26-99
When Monica takes Tripps to Washington, she stays in a posh hotel.
While checking her in, the clerk asked, "President's suite?"
"No, Actually sort of bitter," she admitted.
"Bitter? Hell, I never even kissed her." Clinton responded."
(By Gary Hallock)
The Eleventh Commandment
Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and
Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was
behaving in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course
of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message
across.
Now the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so
that it matched the other commandments in style & holy inspiration.
After great meditation & discussion, they concluded, . . . “Thou shalt
not comfort thy rod with thy staff.“
The Spy
May I ask a huge favor? I would really like to borrow your multiverse
for a minute. I had been trying to work out an addition to mine, but
needed a certain element to carry it off which seemed to me impossible
to concoct -- only to discover that you had done it!
You see, Cilantro, the ex-spy whom the ship picked up in Lisbon, turned
out to be part of the mystical plot to astrologically unseat Peter the
Great. It had been his task to lead the Portugese Navy in through the
Baltic Sea to Russia, to lend its strength to the revolt of the
Brotherhood. But no Portugese man o'war would venture into such cold
waters -- in fact they writhed and quivered at the very idea. So he went
to ground until that clever dog, Ali, dug him up. Then he persuaded the
Legume's skipper, Kattemzamer Quid, to sail to Russia.
But the First Mate soon found that Cilantro led a dark and disturbed
life. Haunted by threats, fears and memories unspeakable, the embittered
and lonely spy had turned to hashish for comfort. The night watch soon
became accustomed to the alternating glow and bubble of his water-pipe
at the foot of the ship's bowsprit. Then they would hear his erie voice
moaning: "The secret police! They will find the book -- they will find
it -- all is lost, alas, gollum, gollum!"
So the ship was not surprised to discover one morning that Cilantro had
left behind all his posessions, stolen the Captain's pinnace and fled to
the mainland. The First Mate shook his head sadly; "What an
inconvenience for the skipper! And what will his wife think of it?"
But the H. M. S. Legume sailed resolutely on through the Gulf of
Finland to St. Petersburg, where Captain Quid hoped to make contact with
the mysterious robed and cowled members of the Brotherhood. And two
emissaries of that grim order did come aboard. But they came
reluctantly, and it was plain that they did not trust the British.
"How can the Brotherhood do business without Cilantro?" one of them
demanded. "Can you even prove he was ever on board? His supposed
disappearance at this time would be most convenient for you -- if you
were agents of the Tsar's secret police!"
Quid, unused to long speeches, placed an object on the table and
explained;. . . "The spy hookah, men from the cowled!" (By Paul de
Anguera)
Soviet Ingenuity
So the Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to
spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found
out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded
twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time.
Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was
called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on
American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million
dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the
secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to
send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was
processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None
returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to
useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the
actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in
Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know
that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.
The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that
it's no use spying over milled Krilk!" (By Steve Poggio,)
Presidntial Debates
A week before the first historic 1960 presidential campaign debate,
Ferdinand Feghoot was approached by Richard M. Nixon with the offer of a
speechwriting position on his campaign staff.
"I'm flattered, Mr. Vice-President," Feghoot said, "but what do you
think I have to offer your campaign?"
"Frankly, Mr. Feghoot," Nixon replied, "it's your well-known flair for
puns that interests me. The polls say that the public thinks that Jack
Kennedy is a very witty fellow, while for some reason they're completely
unable to perceive that quality in me. I thought it might boost my image
if you could write me a few truly awful puns, real groaners, that I
could throw into next week's debate."
"Ah, I see," replied Feghoot. "You wish to engage in arguments ad homonym."
(By Alan Follett)
The Election
The young man was challenging the incumbent who was again running for
mayor of a small town. He finally determined that if he could get the
vote of a tree worshiping hermit that lived just inside the town line he
could win by one vote. If he didn`t get it in his favor the present
Mayor would stay in office even with a tie.
The young man studied two books on tree worshiping. He met with the
hermit in front of his `godtree`.He dug up the roll of parchment that
was buried under it, He was just about to read it when his eye glasses
fell into the hole and the lenses broke when they hit a stone.
He tried in vain to read the roll of parchment which was part of the
ceremony but failed.
The hermit looked him in the eye and said, ”I wouldn`t vote for a man
who . . . doesn`t know his mass from a scroll in the ground!“
Capital Politics
For a while there last year the American political scene was pretty
well divided. The liberals were all backing their man Bill Clinton,
while the conservatives fell in behind Newt Gingrich. Of course this
left the average American with a choice...Newt or Bill.
The Coin Sale
A small Midwest town was thrilled to find out that a famous coin and
stamp show/sale wanted to hold its annual event in the town's civic
center- The town council was dismayed to learn that the insurance
Company refused to cover the event because the building did not have a
sprinkler system. At a hastily called council meeting, the city agreed
to have sprinklers installed in the building. The next day the newspaper
headline read, . . . 'Town To Get Wetter for Bourse." (From the Punster)
Gang Violence
At a debate on the control of youth gang violence, one speaker claimed
that teenagers that used ghetto blasters were typically the ones
involved in the street gangs. Another member immediately objected,
stating that . . . the speaker's claim was based on a stereotype.
The Gestopo
During WW2 a group of British advance troops were captured by the
Germans. Because they were advance troops, the Germans wanted to know
what they were up to, so they brought them into Gestapo headquarters.
They questioned these troops, but got no information, so they called in
their top interrogator. His philosophy was to first break their spirit,
so he devised a particularly heinous method to break their spirit. He
told them, "You vill shtand shtill und rock back und forth like a
grandfather clock, und you vill go, 'tick-tock, tick-tock' until you are
so tired you vill speak, or you vill drop."
Soon the soldiers got so tired doing this that they began to confess
and tell all. But there was one that was stronger than the rest, and he
did not break. The ordeal must have been horrific, for soon he was only
rocking in one direction and uttering only one word. He would rock and
say, "Tick, tick, tick, tick."
The Gestapo officer saw this and demanded that he was to go,
"Tick-tock, tick-tock," but, the soldier was too far gone and would only
say, "tick, tick, tick."
"You vill cooperate," said the Gestapo officer, "because . . . ve haf
our vays to make you tock."
The Ventriloquist
Gustav Andre Stool, the famous flatulating ventriloquist was a famous
nightclub entertainer of the 1940s. During the late 40s and early 50s,
he amazed audiences around the country with his ability to throw
flatulence across the stage and into the audience. By the middle 50s,
his act ran out of steam. No longer in demand, he withdrew into seclusion.
Surfacing again in the late 60s, full of bitterness, he secretly toured
the country embarrassing dignitaries and show business types by throwing
his flatulence at inopportune times.
His final "performance" came at the second inauguration of Richard
Nixon. Standing in the audience some 100 feet from the stand, Stool
threw his flatulence at Nixon right in the middle of the swearing in.
At that moment the Chief Justice turned to a colleague and was heard to
whisper, . . . "An ominous air hovers over this administration." (By
Gill Krebs)
The Terrorists
Recently, in Cali, Columbia, terrorists invaded a Sunday church
gathering and after rounded up all attending, put them in a truck, and
took them to a remote site.
The churchgoers were detained for a period of time, but eventually all
were released after a ransom was paid. U. S. newspapers reported . . . a
mass kidnapping
Grizzly
"I suppose a lot of the patrons living in the United States will have
already heard the background, at least, for this story," begins the
grizzly. "The great state of Tennessee, in which I am privileged to live
-- "
"Well, our esteemed governor, if he has not already signed it into law,
will shortly be considering a bill that will considerably ease the
restrictions on people who want to take their roadkill home and eat it."
"Anyhow, this bill will cut out a lot of the red tape for anyone who
accidentally hits and kills a wild animal with hir car, and then wants
to have Bambi or whatever for dinner. I don't suppose it would bother me
quite so much if I weren't considered a 'wild animal,' but . . . Well,
look at me. Bubba Junior would probably think something like, 'Aw-rite!
Yogi chops fer dinner ta-nite!'and hit the accelerator.
"The worst, the most ignomious part about it is that, even given the
number of extra refrigerators that Bubba probably has on the front porch
of his trailer, there wouldn't be enough room for him to store all the
meat he'd get off my carcass. His friends and relatives and neighbors
and such would all find excuses to come visit and bum dinner off him for
days, maybe weeks. That's positively the last straw, thinking that I
could be killed for dinner by someone who can't even think far enough
ahead to avoid beggars.
"Of course, all this came to mind when I realized that, … 'if you kill
it, they will bum.'" (By Szxx)
Soviet Ingenuity
So the Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to
spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found
out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded
twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time.
Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was
called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on
American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million
dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the
secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to
send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was
processing the Krilk.
The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process
remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they
could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of
the harvests.
Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the
President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn
the secrets would be futile.
The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that …
it's no use spying over milled Krilk!" (By Steve Poggio)
The Funeral
In a tragic incident in England yesterday, a giant fight broke out at
an otherwise peaceful, but mournful, funeral. Now, to us in North
America this seems like a rather bizarre incident. But, I suppose the
English would say that all in all, … it's just another wake in the
brawl.
New Coin
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece
was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of
the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked
why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied,
... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call "Teds, or Hales!"
Sewage
This notice comes to the site from Hydrogenics, an organization, in
Australia. Years ago, Bondi Beach in Sydney was notorious as a result of
a nearby raw sewage outlet. But the bathers swam undeterred, despite
many saying ... “They just went through the movements.”
The Convict
The warden at the state prison farm was resting quietly, when their was
a banging at his door. He got up from his bed and opened the front door
to find a frantic guard standing there. “What is wrong?” he asked. The
guard answered, “That new convict is outside trying to attach an
airplane propeller to your old jalopy. I’m afraid ... he is preparing to
fly the coupe.
The Coal Miner
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that
his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy
canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week
and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged
in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."
The English Paper
A professor of Modern English Literature was teaching a class at the
university, in which he had just concluded three weeks of lectures on
science fiction. He had assigned readings by some of the best of the
genre, and had lead some fascinating and in-depth discussions with his
students on the works of Herbert, Asimov, Clarke, Wells, and several
other noted authors of science fiction, even Douglas Adams.
To conclude the course's segment on science fiction he assigned the
class a paper, on any topic they wished having to do with science
fiction. The next week, after the papers had been turned in, the
professor was grading them and came across this paper:
There once was an Israeli border guard named Isaac. Across the border
from Isaac, Abdul, an Arab border guard, had his post. One night, Abdul
crept over the border and killed Isaac.
When Isaac's commander found out what had transpired the previous
night, he was furious, and the next night, he and his squad staged a
raid in which several Arab border guards, including Abdul, were killed.
This, of course lead to Arab reprisals, which in turn lead to Israeli
reprisals, which in turn...ad infinitum. Eventually, the Arabs and
Israelis were at war.
Well, the professor read this paper, and being utterly confused, reread
it, shook his head in disgust, and wrote a large "F" on it, in red ink,
and then moved on to the next paper.
The next day, at the end of class, he handed back the papers, and as he
was preparing to leave, the student who received the "F" approached and
asked to speak with the professor.
I don't understand why you didn't like my paper," the student said.
"It's very simple," the professor replied. "You were assigned to write
a paper on science fiction. This paper has nothing whatsoever to do with
the assigned subject."
"I must disagree," said the student … "I think that my paper examined
the very basis of Zion's Friction."
Palestinian Exports
A little know part of the WYE Accords permits the Palestinians to
produce benign biological products which can be marketed throughout the
world. The Israelies, always vigilant, insisted that any product made of
this biological material be transported in pale red vehicles. Said
vehicles are required to be fuelled by watered-down gasoline so as to be
easily overtaken and searched. All vehicles in the new new Palestinian
State were so required.
The Palestinians quickly developed sturdy material made of aggregates
of single-celled asexual reproductive units typically associated with
plants and fungi. They were further able to mutate these cells so that
they produced albino copies of themselves thus lending themselves
adaptable to any color the customer could desire.
Given the raw material, the Palestinians sought product ideas from
several American companies. They favored American Tourister, the famed
luggage manufacturer. They entered into a joint venture to produce
carry-on luggage made of the newly developed biological material.
This was instantly met with Israel's approval and production began (in
Ernest?). In a short time the luggage was a big hit. Highly prized it
became known as ... "The WYE Spore Tote from the Ping-Car Nation". (By
Karna Thulin)
Thirsty Arab
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's
crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the
sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that
it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop
or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white
and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may
be a string attached.
Middle East Crisis
"The Middle East, finally achieved a kind of uneasy stability in the
late 1970's, Israel and the Pan-Arabian nations maintaining a fragile
truce.
Then one day the Arabian ambassador to Israel, Opinh Bom Bey, chanced
to spy a carousel in the market place and, being intrigued by this
Westernish recreation, decided to try it. Being a neophyte, he became
extremely dizzy, dismounted from his wooden steed with great difficulty,
and reeled out of the square.
A Chinese shepherd called Ewe Hu was passing through Jerusalem at that
time with three fine sheep, and Bom Bey staggered into their midst. The
middle sheep promptly ate him.
"Horrific visions of the war that would inevitably ensue racing through
his mind, Ewe Hu flung up his hands and cried, … 'Middle lamb, you've
had a dizzy Bey!' " (By Spider Robinson)
Gibralter
Back in the 60's when the economy was suffering in England, some
consideration was given to selling the Rock of Gibraltar to the French.
All negotiations were halted however when the British learned the French
were planned to rename it . . . "De Gaulle Stone".
Alien Diet
Actually, the aliens eat humans, it's all true. And they especially
like to eat Germans as a starter (it's the smoked sausage diet). So when
you ask them if they worked for the Nazis, they always reply ... "We
were just obeying hors d'oeuvres."
Stan Kegel
Probably because the politicians want you to think they pulled
themselves up by their own boot legs. But you are right. The use of
crystal clear hear is kind of muddy.
David Reihmer
>Pat Kelly SPAMed:
>
>> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>
>Which election?
>
I vote for Sabrina
--
David R.
David Reihmer
<retvs...@hotmail.com> wrote:
I think they meant to say, "The choice of this selection is Crystal
Gayle."
--
David R.
Glenn Gardner
>
> In article <8tprbe$3j3q$1...@newssvr04-int.news.prodigy.com>, "RTV"
> <retvs...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
> ><patkel...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Do you want to reward dirty tricks and terrorism or do you
> >> want a President who has earned the privilege:
> >>
> >bootlegs?
> >
> >
>
> I think they meant to say, "The choice of this selection is Crystal
> Gayle."
I'm sure he meant to say, "The joys of these selections! Hark! Wrest!
All clear!" Now that should keep the beatloggers happy! (GG)
Stan Kegel
>Kegelt wrote:
> >Pat Kelly SPAMed:
> >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> >Which election?
> I vote for Sabrina
Stan Kegel
> "RTV" wrote:
> >Pat Kellyu broke all rules with her SPAM:
> >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> > shit has to do with music bootlegs?
> I think they meant to say, "The choice of this
> selection is Crystal Gayle."
Stan Kegel
"J. A. Mc." wrote:
> "Greg Evans" tweaked:
> >Stan Kegel wrote:
> >> RTV wrote:
> >> > Pat Kelly SPAMed:
> >> > > The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> >> > Please explain what relevance this political shit has to do with music
> >> > bootlegs?
> >> Probably because the politicians want you to think they pulled
> >> themselves up by their own boot legs. But you are right. The use of
> >> crystal clear hear is kind of muddy.
> >Combining politics and music apparently leaves Stan "Slingin' In The Rain".
> Another song from "Tin Pan" Al?
Well, they used to say of Al E. that "He was the Greatest"
I saw that on tablets of Clay.
Hey Chippa....
Written by: John Henry
(check all boxes that apply)
Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] Troller
[ ] "Me too"-er
[ ] Spammer
[ ] Racist
[ ] Expert on everything (EOE)
[ ] Flamethrower
[X] News Groupie
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You obviously don't know anything about the topic at hand
[ ] You are trying to make money on a non-commercial newsgroup
[ ] You posted a picture (binary) of something YOU think is really
cool in an unmoderated TEXT ONLY news group
[ ] You started a long, stupid thread
[ ] You continued spreading a long stupid thread
[ ] You started a thread that has been discussed here continuously
for the last year and a half
[ ] Your post is absurdly off topic for where you posted it
[X] You didn't pay attention to the originating post header and
posted a follow-up to crossposted robot-generated spam
[ ] You posted a "test" in a discussion group rather than
in alt.test
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You posted low-IQ flamebait
[ ] You posted a blatantly obvious troll
[ ] You followed up to a blatantly obvious troll
[ ] You said "X rules, Y sucks" and gave no support for your lame
statement
[ ] You said "me too" to something and added NOTHING to the
discussion
[ ] You make no sense
[ ] You posted the same text multiple times
[ ] You made a post yet failed to say anything
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad
[ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme
[ ] You claimed a pyramid-scheme/chain letter for money was legal
[ ] Your margin settings (or lack of) make your post unreadable
[ ] You posted SCREAMING in RANDOM CAPS (OR IN ALL
CAPS) for NO APPARENT REASON
[ ] You posted a 1 line reply with PAGES of unnecessary quoted text
[ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
worthless that you are being flamed anyway
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Refrain from posting until you have a vague idea what you're doing
[ ] READ every post in this group for two weeks so you can get an
idea about what is discussed here
[ ] Read every newsgroup you posted to for a week
[ ] Give up your AOL account
[ ] Give up your WebTV account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor (monitor must be
plugged in)
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Post to alt.test
[ ] Print your home phone number and address in your ads
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[X] Nothing, we'll let you go this time
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] Get a clue
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Go away
[ ] Grow up
[ ] Never post again
[ ] You need to seek psychiatric help
[ ] Like a neutered dog, you just don't get it
[ ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
[ ] Go back to school and actually learn something
[ ] Learn how to post or get off the Usenet
[X] Don't take offense at this, I just like to use this form
[ ] All of the above
Tim Bruening
David Reihmer wrote:
I vote for Nader.
Robert E. Lewis
either.>
Didn't you know? Al Gore invented Napster.
Robert E. Lewis
Are you saying it was an opaque'd politcal announcement?
Stan Kegel
For Playmate of the Year?
You certainly have weird tastes.
Greg Evans
Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my sandbox was safe.
David Reihmer
<gr...@larkbooks.com> wrote:
Yeah, he'd make sure there was no sand in there for you to get in your
eyes or suffocate in.
--
David R.
Cybe R. Wizard
<rle...@brazosport.cc.tx.us> offered:
Paid for by Lewis using sexual crossovers.
You should have seen the trans Lew sent.
Of course we should have expected it, Lewis is the father of a
crossover.
Yes, Lew is a tran's parent.
Cybe R. Wizard
--
cyber_wizard
@
mindspring.com
Stan Kegel
> "Robert E. Lewis"offered:
> >Stan Kegel wrote:
> >> RTV wrote:
> >> > > The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> >> > has to do with music bootlegs?
> >> Probably because the politicians want you to think they pulled
> >> themselves up by their own boot legs. But you are right.
> >> The use of crystal clear hear is kind of muddy.
> >Are you saying it was an opaque'd politcal announcement?
> Paid for by Lewis using sexual crossovers.
> You should have seen the trans Lew sent.
> Of course we should have expected it, Lewis is the father of a
> crossover.
> Yes, Lew is a tran's parent.
David Reihmer
cyber_...@mindnumbing.com wrote:
He's the one in the see-through genes.
--
David R.
Robert E. Lewis
True, but my son's going to become a woman through
recombinant DNA technology. He's going to become a she
through genes.
Robert E. Lewis
If Nader was named Playmate of the year while campaigning
for president, that would make him a running Mate - but
whose?
Cybe R. Wizard
<sim...@mindspring.com> offered:
His credit report is perfectly hidden.
You can't see him in Visa bill.
Robert E. Lewis
Yes, Nader would make you corvair it up when you weren't
playing in it, so cats could get in and use it as a litter
box.
Then he'd try to convince felines to give up their nasty
grooming habits, becoming a cat-a-lick convertor.
(If he travelled around doing this, he'd be a Roamin'
Cat-a-lick convertor.)
alohacyberian
>
> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>
--
(-:alohacyberian:-) At my website there are 3000 live cameras or
visit NASA, play games, read jokes, send greeting cards & connect
to CNN news, NBA, the White House, Academy Awards or learn all
about Hawaii, Israel and more: http://keith.martin.home.att.net/
Gnu Bee
"Robert E. Lewis" wrote
> Stan Kegel wrote:
> > Let them combine and take the ends. Like beef you could say it was
> > well done and in this day and age that is rare.
>
>
> Buchannan and Nader teaming up to form a new party - great
> idea! Their party's symbol (like the Republicans' Elephant
> and Democrats' donkey) could be a length of threaded rod -
> with wing-nuts on either end. Left-wing-nuts and
> Right-wing-nuts. (And the American People getting screwed
> from both directions.)
With Bush driving down the middle of the road after going off on the
shoulder.
J. A. Mc.
<sim...@mindspring.com> tweaked a mouse's tail to post:
But without the sand, he'd not permit the box which was under the sand
- sharp edges, splinters, etc.
But without the box, he'd not permit the dirt which was under the box
- germs, rocks, etc.
But without the earth ...
J. A. Mc.
a mouse's tail to post:
>
>
>alohacyberian wrote:
>>
>> Robert E. Lewis <rle...@brazosport.cc.tx.us> wrote in article
>> <3A024B75...@brazosport.cc.tx.us>...
>> > > > > > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>> > > > > > >
>> > > > > > >Which election?
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > I vote for Sabrina
>> > > > >
>> > > > > I vote for Nader.
>> > > >
>> > > > For Playmate of the Year?
>> > > > You certainly have weird tastes.
>> > >
>> > > Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my sandbox
>> was safe.
>> >
>> > Yes, Nader would make you corvair it up when you weren't
>> > playing in it, so cats could get in and use it as a litter
>> > box.
>> >
>> > Then he'd try to convince felines to give up their nasty
>> > grooming habits, becoming a cat-a-lick convertor.
>> >
>> > (If he travelled around doing this, he'd be a Roamin'
>> > Cat-a-lick convertor.)
>> >
>> Yes, he sent his son Chris to China to convert the Chan dynasty.
>> But, it backfired when the Chan warriors hanged him and he had an
>> out of body experience. When the acupuncturists rebirthed him,
>> they converted him to Chinese royalty. Have you heard about the
>> born-again, Chris Chan? KM
>
>Was he the one with two navals?
Yeah, the NASA navy - Kris Kraft.
J. A. Mc.
a mouse's tail to post:
>Greg Evans wrote:
>> Stan Kegel wrote:
>> > alohacyberian wrote:
>> > > patkellySPAMmed:
>> > > > The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>> > > Gee, I didn't even know Crystal was running. KM
>> > Noses run. Crystal eyes. On the other hand, feet smell.
>> If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're upside-down.
>When down is on the upside sell. Buy when down is down.
Sound advice to feather your nest egg. Unfortunately only the Ups have
their downs, the Downs have to use rolled up newspaper.
Stan Kegel
> Stan Kegel wrote:
> > "Robert E. Lewis" wrote:
> > > > Tim Bruening wrote:
> > > > > David Reihmer wrote:
> > > > > > >Pat Kelly SPAMed:
> > > > > > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> > > > > > >Which election?
> > > > > > I vote for Sabrina
> > > > > I vote for Nader.
> > > > For Playmate of the Year?
> > > > You certainly have weird tastes.
> > > If Nader was named Playmate of the year while campaigning
> > > for president, that would make him a running Mate - but
> > > whose?
> > Let them combine and take the ends. Like beef you could say it was
> > well done and in this day and age that is rare.
> Buchannan and Nader teaming up to form a new party - great
> idea! Their party's symbol (like the Republicans' Elephant
> and Democrats' donkey) could be a length of threaded rod -
> with wing-nuts on either end. Left-wing-nuts and
> Right-wing-nuts. (And the American People getting screwed
> from both directions.)
George W. Bush comes out of the voting booth exclaiming,
''A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush ... so I voted for Nader.''
(Walt Handelsman cartoon)
Stan Kegel
Gnu Bee wrote:
>
> "Robert E. Lewis" wrote
> > Stan Kegel wrote:
> > >
> > > How about Buchanan. Both Bush and Gore seem to want the middle
> > > Let them combine and take the ends. Like beef you could say it was
> > > well done and in this day and age that is rare.
> >
> >
> > Buchannan and Nader teaming up to form a new party - great
> > idea! Their party's symbol (like the Republicans' Elephant
> > and Democrats' donkey) could be a length of threaded rod -
> > with wing-nuts on either end. Left-wing-nuts and
> > Right-wing-nuts. (And the American People getting screwed
> > from both directions.)
>
> With Bush driving down the middle of the road after going off on the
> shoulder.
No worry. If he loses this election his Mom will give him a cold shoulder
Stan Kegel
> Stan Kegel posted:
> >Greg Evans wrote:
> >> Stan Kegel wrote:
> >> > alohacyberian wrote:
> >> > > patkellySPAMmed:
> >> > > Gee, I didn't even know Crystal was running. KM
> >> If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're upside-down.
> >When down is on the upside sell. Buy when down is down.
> Sound advice to feather your nest egg. Unfortunately only the Ups have
> their downs, the Downs have to use rolled up newspaper.
And what would I do with a gnu's paper?
alohacyberian
<3A0284DD...@fea.net>...
> > > > > > > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >Which election?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > I vote for Sabrina
> > > > > >
> > > > > > I vote for Nader.
> > > > >
> > > > > For Playmate of the Year?
> > > > > You certainly have weird tastes.
> > > >
> > > > Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my
sandbox
> > was safe.
> > >
> > > Yes, Nader would make you corvair it up when you weren't
> > > playing in it, so cats could get in and use it as a litter
> > > box.
> > >
> > > Then he'd try to convince felines to give up their nasty
> > > grooming habits, becoming a cat-a-lick convertor.
> > >
> > > (If he travelled around doing this, he'd be a Roamin'
> > > Cat-a-lick convertor.)
> > >
dynasty.
> > But, it backfired when the Chan warriors hanged him and he
had an
> > out of body experience. When the acupuncturists rebirthed
him,
> > they converted him to Chinese royalty. Have you heard about
the
> > born-again, Chris Chan? KM
>
> Was he the one with two navals?
>
J. A. Mc.
a mouse's tail to post:
>"J. A. Mc." wrote:
>> Stan Kegel posted:
>> >Greg Evans wrote:
>> >> Stan Kegel wrote:
>> >> > alohacyberian wrote:
>> >> > > patkellySPAMmed:
>> >> > > > The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>> >> > > Gee, I didn't even know Crystal was running. KM
>> >> > Noses run. Crystal eyes. On the other hand, feet smell.
>> >> If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're upside-down.
>> >When down is on the upside sell. Buy when down is down.
>> Sound advice to feather your nest egg. Unfortunately only the Ups have
>> their downs, the Downs have to use rolled up newspaper.
>As the French say, "An oeuf is an ouef!"
>And what would I do with a gnu's paper?
I'd know wildebeest take the hindmost.
alohacyberian
<3A00D5D9...@netcom.ca>...
> > >>
> > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> > >>
> > >> want a President who has earned the privilege:
> > >>
with music
> > >bootlegs?
> > >
Crystal
> > Gayle."
>
> I'm sure he meant to say, "The joys of these selections! Hark!
Wrest!
> All clear!" Now that should keep the beatloggers happy! (GG)
>
Yup, it's their cry, "stalk" leer. KM
alohacyberian
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Which election?
> > > > >
> > > > > I vote for Sabrina
> > > >
> > > > I vote for Nader.
> > >
> > > For Playmate of the Year?
> > > You certainly have weird tastes.
> >
> > Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my sandbox
was safe.
>
> Yes, Nader would make you corvair it up when you weren't
> playing in it, so cats could get in and use it as a litter
> box.
>
> Then he'd try to convince felines to give up their nasty
> grooming habits, becoming a cat-a-lick convertor.
>
> (If he travelled around doing this, he'd be a Roamin'
> Cat-a-lick convertor.)
>
Stan Kegel
How about Buchanan. Both Bush and Gore seem to want the middle
Stan Kegel
Reminds me of the guy who swore he didn't
need a visa to go to Chinq because every time
he had been there in the past, they took his
American Express.
Stan Kegel
Try beefing it up a little and you could have
a cattle-lytic converter.
Stan Kegel
alohacyberian wrote:
>
> patkel...@my-deja.com wrote in article <8tp>...
> >
> > The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> >
> Gee, I didn't even know Crystal was running. KM
>
Stan Kegel
Was he the one with two navals?
Greg Evans
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're upside-down.
Stan Kegel
> Stan Kegel wrote:
> > alohacyberian wrote:
> > > > The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> > > Gee, I didn't even know Crystal was running. KM
> > Noses run. Crystal eyes. On the other hand, feet smell.
> If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're upside-down.
Robert E. Lewis
Brian L. Rygg/Brendan Pilgrim
The joys of this erection are Crystal's, clear?
David Reihmer
<xx...@lvdi.net> wrote:
>On Thu, 02 Nov 2000 17:54:43 -0500, David Reihmer
><sim...@mindspring.com> tweaked a mouse's tail to post:
>
>>In article <EhjM5.114526$bI6.4...@news1.giganews.com>, "Greg Evans"
>><gr...@larkbooks.com> wrote:
>>
>>>Stan Kegel wrote:
>>>> Tim Bruening wrote:
>>>> > David Reihmer wrote:
>>>> > > ke...@fea.net wrote:
>>>> > > >Pat Kelly SPAMed:
>>>> > > >
>>>> > > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>>>> > > >
>>>> > > >Which election?
>>>> > >
>>>> > > I vote for Sabrina
>>>> >
>>>> > I vote for Nader.
>>>>
>>>> For Playmate of the Year?
>>>> You certainly have weird tastes.
>>>
>>>Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my sandbox was safe.
>>>
>>>
>>
>>Yeah, he'd make sure there was no sand in there for you to get in your
>>eyes or suffocate in.
>
>But without the sand, he'd not permit the box which was under the sand
>- sharp edges, splinters, etc.
>
>But without the box, he'd not permit the dirt which was under the box
>- germs, rocks, etc.
>
>But without the earth ...
Fortunately, as Mr. Nader has encouraged, I practice recycling, and have
fashioned a relatively safe sandbox from my rusty old Corvair.
--
David R.
Cybe R. Wizard
<sim...@mindspring.com> offered:
>In article <3a060t0o32a4chcuk...@4ax.com>, J. A. Mc.
Monza regular do-it-yourselfer.
alohacyberian
<v4i80t07ekn21jdpg...@4ax.com>...
> >>>>> > > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> >>>>> > > >
> >>>>> > > >Which election?
> >>>>> > >
> >>>>> > > I vote for Sabrina
> >>>>> >
> >>>>> > I vote for Nader.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> For Playmate of the Year?
> >>>>> You certainly have weird tastes.
> >>>>
> >>>>Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my
sandbox was safe.
> >>>
> >>>Yeah, he'd make sure there was no sand in there for you to
get in your
> >>>eyes or suffocate in.
> >>
> >>But without the sand, he'd not permit the box which was under
the sand
> >>- sharp edges, splinters, etc.
> >>
> >>But without the box, he'd not permit the dirt which was under
the box
> >>- germs, rocks, etc.
> >>
> >>But without the earth ...
> >
> >Fortunately, as Mr. Nader has encouraged, I practice
recycling, and have
> >fashioned a relatively safe sandbox from my rusty old Corvair.
>
> Monza regular do-it-yourselfer.
>
alohacyberian
J. A. Mc.
<cyber_...@mindnumbing.com> tweaked a mouse's tail to post:
>Was it only Sat, 04 Nov 2000 10:32:56 -0500, when David Reihmer
><sim...@mindspring.com> offered:
>
>>In article <3a060t0o32a4chcuk...@4ax.com>, J. A. Mc.
>><xx...@lvdi.net> wrote:
>>
>>>On Thu, 02 Nov 2000 17:54:43 -0500, David Reihmer
>>><sim...@mindspring.com> tweaked a mouse's tail to post:
>>>
>>>>In article <EhjM5.114526$bI6.4...@news1.giganews.com>, "Greg Evans"
>>>><gr...@larkbooks.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>>Stan Kegel wrote:
>>>>>> Tim Bruening wrote:
>>>>>> > David Reihmer wrote:
>>>>>> > > ke...@fea.net wrote:
>>>>>> > > >Pat Kelly SPAMed:
>>>>>> > > >
>>>>>> > > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
>>>>>> > > >
>>>>>> > > >Which election?
>>>>>> > >
>>>>>> > > I vote for Sabrina
>>>>>> >
>>>>>> > I vote for Nader.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> For Playmate of the Year?
>>>>>> You certainly have weird tastes.
>>>>>
>>>>>Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my sandbox was safe.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Yeah, he'd make sure there was no sand in there for you to get in your
>>>>eyes or suffocate in.
>>>
>>>But without the sand, he'd not permit the box which was under the sand
>>>- sharp edges, splinters, etc.
>>>
>>>But without the box, he'd not permit the dirt which was under the box
>>>- germs, rocks, etc.
>>>
>>>But without the earth ...
>>
>>
>>
>>Fortunately, as Mr. Nader has encouraged, I practice recycling, and have
>>fashioned a relatively safe sandbox from my rusty old Corvair.
>
>Monza regular do-it-yourselfer.
>
If I remember right, wasn't that car Hercule Poirot'd?
Don Kirkman
<8o060tgelrcgs6569...@4ax.com>:
>On Fri, 03 Nov 2000 07:15:32 -0800, Stan Kegel <ke...@fea.net> tweaked
>a mouse's tail to post:
>>Greg Evans wrote:
>Sound advice to feather your nest egg. Unfortunately only the Ups have
>their downs, the Downs have to use rolled up newspaper.
This Heralds the Times all over the Globe. Is there no Guardian of the
populace, no Examiner of the body politic? This is eggzactly the
problem; the Outlook has become so dire that even the Churchills are now
among the Downs, along with the Epsoms, all busy rolling their
newspapers.
--
Don
Pam Shorey
>
> Cybe R. Wizard <cyber_...@mindnumbing.com> wrote in article
> <v4i80t07ekn21jdpg...@4ax.com>...
> > >>>>> > > >
> > >>>>> > >
> > >>>>> > > I vote for Sabrina
> > >>>>> >
> > >>>>> > I vote for Nader.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> For Playmate of the Year?
> > >>>>> You certainly have weird tastes.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my
> sandbox was safe.
> > >>>
> > >>>Yeah, he'd make sure there was no sand in there for you to
> get in your
> > >>>eyes or suffocate in.
> > >>
> > >>But without the sand, he'd not permit the box which was under
> the sand
> > >>- sharp edges, splinters, etc.
> > >>
> > >>But without the box, he'd not permit the dirt which was under
> the box
> > >>- germs, rocks, etc.
> > >>
> > >>But without the earth ...
> > >
> > >Fortunately, as Mr. Nader has encouraged, I practice
> recycling, and have
> > >fashioned a relatively safe sandbox from my rusty old Corvair.
> >
> > Monza regular do-it-yourselfer.
> >
Bush has been trying to bag Al because he's for putting social security
in a lox box...
alohacyberian
<3A0690A9...@downcity.net>...
davep
> Stan Kegel wrote:
> > Tim Bruening wrote:
> > > David Reihmer wrote:
> > > > ke...@fea.net wrote:
> > > > >Pat Kelly SPAMed:
> > > > >> The choice of this election is crystal clear:
> > > > >Which election?
> > > > I vote for Sabrina
> > > I vote for Nader.
> > For Playmate of the Year?
> > You certainly have weird tastes.
> Hey, if Ralph were my playmate he could make sure my sandbox was safe.
...or forbid its use....
best
dwp