STORY (new!) "It's A Wonderful Death" (Christmas 1997)

[James Kibo Parry]

The story everyone asked about. ("Will Kibo never stop writing that crap?")
The others in the series are on http://www.kibology.com/ with NO PICTURES.

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IT'S A WONDERFUL DEATH
======================

(Or, Spot's Seventh First Christmas)
written on Christmas 1997

Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry

Poor Spot! His life was ruined because he didn't get the Christmas
gifts he'd wanted! All he'd asked Santa for was the entire contents of
Forrest Ackerman's mansion. And instead all he got was a lousy gift
certificate for the approximate retail value, and Spot didn't want to
have to do the work of buying his own gifts. Christmas sucked! Spot
jumped off a bridge.

Halfway down, time stopped, suspending Spot in the clear cold Christmas
air. A tiny fairy appeared in front of his nose. "Hiya, Spot!" shouted
the late Chris Farley, who was really small and hovered in the air on
little fly wings. "I'm your guardian angel!" He took a slip of paper
out of his red beret. "It says here that you're trying to kill yourself
by jumping off a bridge."

Spot looked down at the icy water far below. "Well, DUH."

Chris Farley shook his little finger at Spot's eyeball. "Now, Spot,
it's not nice to mouth off to your guardian angel, especially a guardian
angel who's here to warn you that if you commit suicide like this, you
can't get into Heaven."

"Waah!" cried Spot. "I wanna go to Heaven! Now!"

"People--and their dogs--who kill themselves jumping off bridges don't
get into Heaven. You have to kill yourself in a much more violent,
painful, gory, weird way." Chris Farley disappeared with a tiny pop,
and Spot was falling again! He landed in his doggie bed, bouncing
twice. It was all a dream! Or... was it?

Spot had been given a new leash on life, and a warning, from his
guardian angel! Now he had a mission, a purpose in life: to kill
himself! Spot took off his Knight Rider pajamas and put on his Fruit Of
The Loom underwear and his best jelly clogs for a trip to the mall.
Whenever Spot felt too happy, he always went to the mall to depress
himself. It was the perfect place to commit a tragic suicide!

He started at the food court. If anything at the mall could kill him,
it was the food court! Unfortunately, all the cubicles with real food
had closed and been replaced by imitations of Cinnabon, like Nutmegalon
and Basil-Ba-Loo. The scariest thing Nutmegalon had was a bowl of rice
putting with an "@" on top made out of bright blue nutmeg, which didn't
seem threatening enough. Basil-Ba-Loo had Thai food, which Spot liked,
so he didn't want to eat there. He tried the next cubicle, The Clove
Grove.

The Clove Grove sold him a moldy orange with hundreds of cloves stuck in
it, tied to a wire coat hanger. Spot ate it, only to discover that
explosive diarrhea was non-lethal. "Waah!" Spot cried, "That's false
advertising!"

He tried Anise Orifice, where the most threatening thing they had was an
old shoe made out of licorice. Spot ate it. A man who looked like
Adolf Hitler but talked like Dudley Moore threw a tantrum. "You stupid
dog! I'm Charlie Chaplin, and that shoe was reserved for me!" Charlie
Chaplin's career was RUINED! Now he would only be able to get work
playing the evil 'Poozoo' on a Sid & Marty Krofft show, where he would
have to wear a green rubber bondage hood every week while being hit with
cardboard cutouts of cream pies.

Spot tried to soothe Chaplin's nerves. "Sorry, Charlie, I was just
trying to kill myself."

"Oh! I understand, old chap. I'm sorry I lost my temper. You had a
genuine need to ruin my career in your quest to kill yourself. Have you
tried Wasabi Hut?"

Spot thanked him and ran to the largest store in the food court, Wasabi
Hut. Inside, several Japanese guys wearing gas masks were using
corrosion-proof paddles to stir a huge vat of toxic green horseradish.
The gas masks were starting to melt, but fortunately the Japanese guys
were wearing other gas masks under them.

"Wow!" said Spot. "If I were to hurl myself into that vat of wasabi, it
would dissolve my entire body in a really painful way, and I'd go to
Heaven!" He took a step towards the vat, and a wall of wasabi vapor hit
him. "Ow! Ow! My nose is burning! Waah!" He took a step backwards,
leaving the invisible wasabi aroma zone. "I know! What I need to do is
plug up my sinuses, so that I can't smell the wasabi! He grabbed a
handful of what he thought was green Play-Doh and packet it into his
nose, but of course it was wasabi.

Spot's head exploded, mentally speaking. He ran around screaming for a
few hours, and when he went sane again he was at the other end of the
mall.

He tried sitting on Santa's lap, hoping the red dye in the suit would be
carcinogenic, but it just gave him a nasty rash. Spot, too. He ate
some of Santa's plastic snow but that didn't help either. It was a lot
like eating at Clove Grove without the pleasant clove flavor.

At Spencer Gifts, he put on a pair of the edible underwear and threw
himself into a pile of windup chattering teeth, but they were too smart
to eat anything from Spencer Gifts. He drank several lava lamps and
stared into an ultraviolet strobe light for several minutes, but he just
felt silly. He tried on some rubber Spock ears and they didn't kill him
either. Trekkies just pointed and laughed WITH him instead of AT him!
This was a rotten day.

Spot went to Radio Shack, looking for dangerous electrical gadgets to
hurt himself with. The worst he could find was an electronic die, which
displayed a number from 1 to 6 when he pushed the button. It was
powered by one AA battery from Radio Shack, in other words, half a
normal AA battery. Spot tried to put his tongue on all 10,000 kinds of
Radio Shack batteries simultaneously, and barely felt a tingle.
Besides, they were out of 9,500 of them.

At Victoria's Secret, Spot dressed up in a frilly lace teddy, but this
just made him feel like killing himself more. He pranced out of the
store sullenly.

Sears wasn't much help either. Spot saw the softer side of Sears, and
everything was so soft it couldn't possibly hurt him. Including the
hardware. He picked up a Craftsman hammer shaped like Bob Vila and hit
himself over the head with it. It shattered and shredded duck down came
out.

He rode the escalator in Sears, being careful to try to get his tongue
stuck between the steps so he could be crushed in the basement, where
that weird green light came from. Unfortunately, the extra lubrication
from Spot's slobber just made the machinery run more smoothly, and Spot
was whisked to the other floor without incident. For the first time in
years, the two handrails moved at approximately the same speed! Spot
cried.

Now Spot came to Crax Camera. "Hey! I know! I could go in there and
run myself through their PhotoCD machine!" Unfortunately, this involved
sending him to the Kodak lab, which took two weeks, which meant three
weeks, and then the Kodak lab misread the instructions which said
"PLEASE RUN THIS DOG THROUGH THE PHOTOCD MACHINE" and ran some hamsters
through a dishwasher instead.

Spot had wasted all his money on not being put on PhotoCD! A robotic
eye descended from the Christmas decorations hanging in the mall, and
detected that he was broke. Security guards threw him out of the mall.
Now he'd have to look for free ways to kill himself. Being broke
sucked! It made Spot want to kill himself.

He stuck his head in a gas oven, but it just made him all giggly. When
he came down he discovered he'd gone to the dentist and had several
cavities filled painlessly.

Spot jumped into the piranha tank at the zoo, but they wouldn't eat him
because he still smelled like wasabi. Same went for the shark tank and
the tank of liquid killer bees, which looked like yellow and black
striped soda pop. He stood in front of Bessie the elephant and tried to
get her to step on him, but Spot was such a tiny puppy that Bessie
though he was a mouse and ran away to hide under a rock. And the
woodpeckers wouldn't peck Spot to death because his head looked too
hard.

In the town square, there was a Claes Oldenburg sculpture of a giant
razor blade, and Spot tried sliding down it but it was dull, like most
modern art.

He rented a motorcycle and tried to recreate Evel Knievel's famous jump
over the fountains at Caesar's Palace which led to Evel breaking over
200 of the over 200 bones in his body, but Spot, being a dog, didn't
have that many bones, so he wasn't critically injured. They just took
him to the hospital and gave him a few thousand stitches, and while he
was there, he ate all the medical waste. It made him somewhat sick, and
to treat him they generated even more medical waste, which he also ate,
but by this time he'd developed an immunity to rusty used syringes.

He had the doctors replace all his bones with blasting caps and tried
the motorcycle jump again, but they were all duds, just like Kevin
Costner's recent movies. That was an idea! He tried standing between
Kevin Costner and a bad idea, but just wound up getting screen credit
for inspiring "The Postman Goes To Waterworld". Even watching it didn't
kill him, just the movie industry. And speaking of postmen...

Spot dressed up like a big bullseye and danced around the Post Office
shouting "ALL POSTAL WORKERS ARE WIMPS!", but it turns out they were all
too psychotic to hit the broad side of a barn. He dressed up like the
broad side of a barn, too, but that didn't help. (Shame he didn't try
dressing up as the narrow side of a barn.)

Next Spot tried to paint his whole body gold, because he'd heard that
you could die if you painted your whole body gold including the little
area at the base of your spine. Unfortunately, he couldn't paint that
area, as his tail was covering it! He felt cheated that they didn't
tell him so in that completely realistic movie in which the fat guy
decapitated people with a flying hat.

And the atomic wedgie from an actual nuclear reactor didn't hurt at all,
because Spot was still wearing his Fruit Of The Loom underwear with the
Super-Stretch Comfort Waistband. He also tried setting off a nuclear
warhead in a roomful of mousetraps for double the chain reaction, but
the two just cancelled each other out leaving Spot sitting in a very
clean, empty room.

He licked Bob Hope's face, but the old guy just got dog germs.

Spot watched that Japanese cartoon that gave little kids seizures, but
it merely made him turn Japanese.

He tried standing in front of a speeding car, but the stupid limousine
swerved and plowed into the wall of the tunnel. Six guys following the
limo on motorcycles stopped to take photos of the Death Car and the
Death Dog, then went to sell Beanie Babies based on them. Spot cried!
Why couldn't it have been him in that luxury sedan instead of Princess
Diana? Spot hoped he didn't kill any more celebrities before he killed
himself.

"Hiya, Spot," said the tiny Chris Farley angel again. Spot squished him
with a flyswatter and continued looking for ways to kill himself. Spot
never succeeded, even when Di's tombstone fell on him, and lived to be a
trillion years old, and by that time, Heaven had gone broke from all the
partying. When Spot arrived, he discovered that Heaven was a cardboard
box with a piece of string lying on the bottom. He picked up the piece
of string and amused himself quietly with it for all eternity. Also,
Chris Farley was in the box with him.

THE END

-- K.
Merry Christmas.
Copyright (C) 1997.
Including "Merry Christmas".