I Was A Teenage Objectivist - Part Two Hundred and Sixty-Four
Hans Huttel
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I Was A Teenage Objectivist
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A true story by B. Linkers - Part Two Hundred and Sixty-Fourw
With graduation only four weeks away, I could not help feeling intensely
happy. Soon I would receive my diploma and become a professional
philosopher teaching young people the numerous advantages of a
philosophy based entirely on reason. Or so I thought. Little was I
prepared for the events that followed.
As always, the sun was shining and spirits were high. We had spent the
last class in Ms. Rant's 3rd year course on Advanced Objectivist
Epistemology eagerly discussing the pros and cons of selfish behavior,
relating the experiences we had had at `Get A Life' day to our usual
selfish attitudes. `Jumping queues', Aunt Rant said with authority,
`can be justified only because existence exists'. We all understood
and nodded. And yet I felt a strange sensation that something was
terribly wrong. The arguments about the Law of Identity were strangely
unconvincing and for a moment the whole thing seemed utterly trivial
to me. But then I looked at our gorgeous, pouting lecturer and all my
doubts disappeared.
I will always remember this last lecture. Our very last home
assignment was to be an essay on Quine based on quotes from his novel
Word and Object, explaining why he could not be an Objectivist. Many
of us, including myself, had had problems with this novel: the
storyline was very obscure and there was no 200-page speech in the
middle, just strange symbols scattered here and there. Rumor had it
that MGM was doing a version of this novel starring Robert Redford and
Barbara Streisand, `A Way With Words'. However, this film would not be
available until later that same year. There weren't even Cliff notes
for Quine's book. This man was obviously not a professional philosopher.
So the night before the essay was due I gave up, rose from my desk and
drove my convertible across the street to Aunt Rant's office in the
Department of Alphabetical Studies. We all knew that she would sit up
well into the small hours and reflect on profound philosophical
matters, cigar in mouth.
As I stood outside Ms Rant's office I could not help but notice the
faint panting coming from in there. I assumed that Ms Rant was doing
push-ups again; now, this was of course long before the aerobics fad
created by some altruist actress in her late forties but it was at
the time generally accepted that Aunt Rant was decades ahead of her
contemporaries.
When I opened the door I was not not prepared for the shock. There was
a guitar lying on the floor and it looked as if Aunt Rant was busy
wrestling with a long-haired altruist. So this is what coercion is
like, I thought. I wanted to save her but then I saw the heap of
clothes lying next to the guitar. I completely lost my head and
shouted (normally I do not use foul language but you must understand
that my world was falling apart):
- Ms Rant ?! What the f*** are you doing with that altruist ? He's f***ing
dangerous ! You've always told us that. I have always respected you
and here I find you, a truly professional philosopher, the greatest
thinker since Aristole, lying on the f***ing floor having... sexual
intercourse ... with ... an altruist !! This is sensualism ! Or is
this how you write your `Position Papers', dare I ask ?? I demand an
explanation !!!!!!
The altruist got up and looked at me. I saw the hazy look in his eyes and felt
sick. This man was probably into drugs and rock'n'roll, too.
- Hey man, we love each other, he said.
- No, I said. That's not true. It can't be. Ms Rant has never loved anyone but
herself.
And yet, the very moment I uttered these words, I was beginning to
have my doubts.
The admittedly gorgeous Ms Rant put on her dress and began searching
for her shoes, one of which had been hurled across the room, smashing
a picture of Kant during the act. She then said:
- I have come to realize that love is more important than anything
else. Ever since I turned 18 - what was it...? four years ago ? - I have
preached rational selfishness. That period of my life is over. Walt
(the young man whose underpants are lying on top of `Titan Nodded')
and I have decided to drive off to San Francisco tomorrow to found a
commune. Walt has changed my whole outlook on life. People should
care for each other.
- But... Ms Rant, I stammered. What about the Quine paper ? And what about the
finals ?
- Don't worry about any of that, Linkers, Ms Rant said in an unearthly
mild voice, laced with sarcasm. As a final act of selfishness I will give
you all straight F's in advance.
My nervous breakdown seemed imminent now.
- But what about your novels ? How about *New Objections* ?
- I've got tons of unpublished novels and articles. Since there are so
many of you who actually subscribe to this simplistic rational self-interest fad,
I have made a deal with my publisher that *New Objections* will
continue to appear. My next novel, `Prometheus Gestured', will
appear as if nothing has happened.
I felt dizzy and had to sit down. This was too much. But the worst was
yet to come.
Ms Rant got out a binder and showed me a copy of a letter from 1968.
It was a letter to her long-time friend Wolfgang Peikoff. In it Ms
Rant disclosed information about alternative alphabets used in Europe,
alphabets VIOLATING what I had thought to be an indisputable fact,
the Law of Identity itself. Samples of handwriting were also included,
indicating that sometimes A was F.
- I have had my doubts for a number of years now, she said in a low
voice. I did not want to tell anyone until I was completely certain.
So Ms Rant had actually been deceiving us for all this time. The
thought was unbearable. At that point I passed out.
I never saw Aunt Rant again. The campus newspaper simply wrote that she
had accepted a position in California; I alone knew what kind of
position that was. The sky was now always gray and dull; fall was just
around the corner. Or so it seemed. The finals loomed large in the
horizon and there was nothing to do about it except revise. As
expected I got straight F's in all my Objectivist subjects. However,
thanks to a B+ in Theoretical Baseball I got my degree after all.
So I left Fountainhead, sad but wiser, knowing that I would never
again fall prey to a sectarian, narrowminded ideology. My interest
in philosophy remained, however, and I desperately wanted to continue
my academic career.
I am happy to say that I have been able to do so with the support of
my parents. I would also like to use this unique opportunity to thank
my Master's advisor and everyone else at the L. Ron Hubbard Dianetics
University.
B. Linkers - 2/30/1984
--
Hans Huttel email: ha...@dcs.ed.ac.uk
LFCS, Dept. of Computer Science
University of Edinburgh phone: (+44) (0)31-650-5997
Edinburgh EH9 3JZ, UK. Monads ate my Buick.
Jeff Olhoeft
--
Jeff Olhoeft DoD #0858
jolh...@access.digex.net
"I believe in the richness and mystery of the universe; and I don't believe
in the supernatural." - Dan Simmons
Rob Brady
>Ms Rant got out a binder and showed me a copy of a letter from 1968.
>It was a letter to her long-time friend Wolfgang Peikoff. In it Ms
>Rant disclosed information about alternative alphabets used in Europe,
>alphabets VIOLATING what I had thought to be an indisputable fact,
>the Law of Identity itself. Samples of handwriting were also included,
>indicating that sometimes A was F.
This was hysterical
>I am happy to say that I have been able to do so with the support of
>my parents. I would also like to use this unique opportunity to thank
>my Master's advisor and everyone else at the L. Ron Hubbard Dianetics
>University.
and so was this.
Yes, you have redeemed yourself. Perhaps I will forward it to
rec.humor.best-of-usenet but they won't get it :)
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