How to be a swine flu vaccine zealot (satire)
Jerry
http://www.naturalnews.com/z027293_flu_vaccine_swine.html
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How to be a swine flu vaccine zealot (satire)
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor
(NaturalNews) Swine flu vaccine zealots are like zombies... they just
keep coming at you, mindless... heartless... empty-headed and a tad
funky on the smell, too. But I've noticed from observing the behavior
of a few such zealots that not all of them fully comprehend precisely
how to act like a mindless vaccine zealot. There's more to it than
just parroting whatever the FDA says. You actually have to get with
the zealot program if you want to be taken seriously as a swine flu
vaccine zealot.
So I've put together this handy guide to help them along:
Step 1) Loudly proclaim your vaccines are backed by "science," but
when critics ask you to produce that science, just tell them you don't
have to because "everybody knows they work." (Then grunt and paw at
the air from time to time for effect...)
Step 2) Practice scoffing. Scoffing is an important skill for swine
flu vaccine zealots. When someone asks an intelligent question like,
"Where are the placebo-controlled studies that show flu vaccines work
at all?" simply scoff at them. This avoids having to answer the
question because, as you know, there are no such studies.
Step 3) Practice making people feel guilty for not getting the flu
shot. Blame them for pandemic. Just ignore the fact that the shot
itself has zero ability to actually prevent the spread of influenza
and focus on what works: Guilt!
Step 4) Spread more fear! Guilt and fear go together like peanut
butter and jelly on processed white bread -- a favorite zombie food!
In combination, they work like gangbusters if you're trying to scare
up some vaccine sales to generate billions of dollars in profits for
the drug companies. In the absence of any actual science, just invoke
fear! (Hey, it worked for the Patriot Act, too...)
Step 5) Remind people that they are not doctors and therefore don't
know anything. Then quote some doctor who's pro-vaccine (and probably
taking kickbacks from some pharmaceutical company that's been caught
committing a felony crime) and declare that no one can question them
because they're a doctor. Doctors are God, didn't you know? Just ask
all the victims of thalidomide... or Vioxx.
Step 6) Strip off the plastic coating on both ends of an extension
cord, exposing the wires. Attach the two wires on one end to the
temples of your skull, then attach the two exposed wires on the other
end to the exposed slots of a live electrical outlet in your home. You
are now "WIRED." (Want a free subscription?) This process will destroy
any critical thinking regions of your cerebrum, disabling the annoying
ability to think for yourself (which can interfere with what the
vaccine industry wants you to think instead). Once achieved, you're
half-way qualified to being a vaccine zealot, unhindered by critical
thinking skills!
(Don't forget to grunt, moan and leave your mouth draping open from
time to time, or the whole effect will be ruined...)
Step 7) Defend mercury as safe. It's not that bad, really. What's a
little mercury in your shot anyway? Ignore these inconvenient facts: A
typical flu vaccine shot solution is 50,000 parts per billion of
mercury. The EPA classifies any substance with more than 200 parts per
billion as hazardous waste. (The EPA limit in drinking water is 2
parts per billion.) Thus, the mercury density in a vaccine is 25,000%
higher than the level required to be considered hazardous waste. This
is injected directly into the bloodstream of infants, children,
expectant mothers and senior citizens. What could possibly be
dangerous about that?
Step 8) Find a bunch of other flu vaccine zealots and quote each
other. This is the best part about being a vaccine zealot: It's
social! Instead of quoting any actual science to back up your non-
position (because there isn't any), all you have to do is quote each
other! "The CDC says..." and at the CDC, they say, "The FDA says..."
and at the FDA, they say, "The drug maker says..." and at the drug
maker, they say, "The researchers said..." and the researchers were
quoting the CDC! (I think I remember playing this game in
kindergarten... but then I grew up.)
Step 9) Tell everyone you're going to receive the flu vaccine
yourself, even if you aren't. This creates the impression that you
actually believe the vaccine is both safe and effective, even when you
secretly suspect it is neither. Of course, no one will really know
whether you got the shot or not, so you can still just fake it by
claiming you did when you really didn't.
Step 10) If all else fails, babble incoherently in a technical medical
jargon. Use large Latin words that sound educated. Glare scornfully at
all the "small words people." Whatever you say, tell people you read
it in a "peer-reviewed medical journal" or picked it up in a
"continuing medical education seminar" (almost all of which are
sponsored by drug companies, by the way). Hang medical school diplomas
on the wall in plain view, preferably over your head (if there's still
room there). Tell people how important you are and why no one else is
even qualified to ask questions about flu vaccines. Keep up the front!
And that, my zombie friends, is how to pull off being a swine flu
vaccine zealot. Always carry a spare needle with you, too, because you
never know when you're going to need to take a jab at somebody.
Coming up next... How to start your own swine flu vaccine cult! (Hint:
It all starts at medical school...)
In the mean time, folks, keep drinkin' that Thimerosal Kool-Aid.
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