What About Curfew's for 18 Year Olds?
Lissa
looking for a part-time job right now. Mom and I dont really get a long
to well....but what mother-daughter relationship is truly perfect?
Here's my Problem:
I'm 18 and I have a 11:00 curfew on school nights and 1:00 on the
weekends. I find this very unfair. I miss out on so much with my
boyfriend and my friends. I call to check in, too, AT LEAST every 3
hours or so. I dont go and do anything wrong....just go and drive
around with friends, go the club or a couple of parties. I dont drink
when I'm out and I dont do drugs either. I've told mom this a dozen of
times, but she insists that no matter how old I am, I will always have
a curfew...even if I'm 20 and I live here. I dnot really know what to
do about this because it's really embaressing when I have to tell my
friends that I can't go to the club or hang out with them because I
have to be home at 1:00. Please tell me what you think!? Help!!
-Lissa-
dragonlady
"Lissa" <xliss...@hotmail.com> wrote:
If your Mom were asking for advice, I'd suggest some things she might do
to recognize your approaching adult-hood and to support more
independance.
But your Mom isn't the one asking -- you are. And your Mom isn't likely
to take advice/suggestions from some unknown other Mom on a web site.
I think you are unlikely to convince your Mom to give you more freedom
by arguing with her about this. And that, like it or not, it's her
house and her rules -- and as long as you live at home, you are stuck
with her rules.
My suggestion is that if you find her rules odious, you need to start
looking at what it would take to NOT live in her house. As long as
she's supporting you, she gets to make the rules, whether her rules make
sense or not. (The Golden Rule thing: she who has the gold makes the
rules.)
So start planning now. Depending upon your relationship, you might even
discuss this with her: figure out what your income will have to be to
move out, how much you'll have to save first, whether you can get a
roommate, all that stuff.
It's even possible that once she sees you working towards becoming
totally independant -- and especially once you start saving towards it
-- she'll ease up on some of the rules.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
Lissa
18 year old?
dragonlady
"Lissa" <xliss...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> so ur basically saying that an 11 curfew (1 on weekends) is ok for an
> 18 year old?
>
Read what I said.
I said I can't change your mom's mind. Since you are the one asking for
advice, I was giving YOU advice.
Or were you not asking for advice?
If you just wanted to complain and were looking for sympathy, you needed
to make that more clear.
What *I* think about a curfew for someone out of high school and still
living at home is pretty irrelevant; my own kids didn't have set
curfews like that ever, though -- it was more situational. But I'm not
your mom.
At the risk of reapeating myself, your Mom isn't asking for advice, and
whether she's right or wrong doesn't matter: YOU came asking questions,
and, I thought, asking for advice. So my advice was for you. If you
don't like the situation you are in, change the situation. You know
your Mom better than I do: do you honestly think she's likely to
change? (It doesn't sound like it, if she's talking about still having
a curfew for you at the age of 20.) If that's your reality, all the
sympathy in the world from anyone in this newsgroup isn't going to
change it.
Lissa
was complaining, because i wasn't. i'm just really irritated. but i'm
asking for advice from people and i'm trying to get my mom to change
her mind hopefully. i'm just trying to get other people's opinion of
things...whether i'm asking or my mom. i would just like to know in
general what you think.
Lissa
Lissa
R. Steve Walz
Tell your mother you must be treated as the adult you are and be left
alone or else you'll never ever even let her KNOW her grancchildren and
that you'll move away immediately and never ever even speak to her. If
you don't demand that and back her right down, then you're actually
just a stupid piece of shit and you deserve nothing. But actually we
think you're just a lying troll.
Steve
R. Steve Walz
All that's bullshit. She has bargaining power, she can threaten to
leave immediately and never have future contact, and also deprive her
of ever knowing her grandchildren. She can quit school and work and
take it up later, but if her mother is not a total asshole then she
will care about her life outcome and realize that she has gravely
erred in trying to push her around. The Supreme Court ruled a couple
years back that grandparents have no rights to see their grandchildren
against their parent's will. They who realize their WORTH make the
rules go away!!
Steve
R. Steve Walz
Leave! Be grown up enough not to take that abuse!
Shit, if my parents had ever tried that with me they'd have never
seen me again, and never met their grandchildren!! You have to
be a stiff bastard with them to get treated as an adult by these
old shitheads.
Hell! If you even had a curfew by 14 I'd say you didn't have a
fucking SPINE! Hell, if mine had EVER tried that with me I'd have
refused to go to school or do homework or anything until I DIED
if I had to, JUST TO MAKE MY POINT, and if I'd had parents who
would leave me to do that, then I'd have burned their fucking
house down and left! And I was a National Merit Scholar with
awards out the ass and an IQ of 165+!
If a kid doesn't get "paid" to do the homework in terms of having
his or her rights and desires honored, then they should absolutely
refuse to achieve and go on total STRIKE for better conditions and
never back down!!
NEVER BACK DOWN!! NOT EVER!! Or else people will enslave you!
Steve
Lissa
treated like an adult...but she'd kick me out of the house. i have no
where to go if i did get kicked out. i'd have no car and no money
because i can't get a good job right now because i'm in beauty school
full-time.
how do you think that i'm just a "lying troll"?
R. Steve Walz
>
> well, i have tried to demand my independance and told her i need to be
> treated like an adult...but she'd kick me out of the house. i have no
> where to go if i did get kicked out. i'd have no car and no money
> because i can't get a good job right now because i'm in beauty school
> full-time.
You can get a paying job and live with others, there are LOTS of
kids in the same boat. Ride the bus, get a cheap bicycle, hell,
live with a boyfriend and have some sex for godssake, you don't
have to marry him, just fuck him and use good contraception and
condoms! Oldest trick in the book, amateur prostitution, you know
how to do this, girl! Jesus'-shit-on-a-stick, can't you think for
yourself?? This is what girls are GOOD AT! Your freedom is more
important than ANYTHING! There are guys out the ass who will
support you while you go to school if you just please fuck them!
What the fuck is Cosmetology school FOR if you can't make you and
others up to catch guys! You remind me of the dog who chased cars
but didn't know what to do with one the day he caught one!!
> how do you think that i'm just a "lying troll"?
-------------------------
A newsgroup "troll" is someone who posts phony questions to start
arguments so they can stand back and giggle or something. Children
seem to get off on this, who knows why.
So if you really don't know why, I can't teach you.
Steve
dragonlady
Please note that I DID suggest that if she doesn't like her mom's rules,
and can't get her to change them, she should be trying to find a way to
move out.
The fact that I stated it a bit more nicely than you did doesn't make it
bullshit: essentially, we agree.
Personally, I'm not sure I'd recommend using the "never see the
grandchildren" as a bargaining chip for this -- it's sort of the
ultimate weapon, and I think it ought to be saved for really MAJOR
disagreements.
However, we're essentially saying the same thing: if you can't get your
mom to change her mind, move out.
And I DO know parents whose tune changed once their kids started
discussing their plans for getting out of the house -- especially if the
kids' plans were well thought out, and demonstrated the sort of maturity
to actually implement them.
dragonlady
"Lissa" <xliss...@hotmail.com> wrote:
Do you honestly think that telling her that people on a newsgroup think
she's wrong will change her mind? Or even that parents she KNOWS
disagree with her will change her mind?
My son sort of tried that one recently: he pointed out that his best
friend's mom (and a good friend of mine) bought her daughter a CAR when
she sent her away to college: didn't I want to be as good a mommy as
she was?
It didn't work (nor did he really expect it to -- he knows it's
financially out of reach for us, and had a hard time keeping a straight
face even as he asked.) I'm willing to ask other people's opinions
about a lot of things -- but not everything -- but if I feel firmly
about something, finding out that I'm in the minority isn't likely to
change my mind.
I suggested the only thing I think is likely to change your mom's mind,
and that is to demonstrate that you are finding a way to move out and
get away from her control. (I don't believe that Steve's threats would
actually work for most parents -- I suspect they would just increase the
tension.)
The best you can hope for is that increased demonstrations of maturity
will help her decide that you are mature enough to decide how late to
stay out on your own. That means doing stuff like housework when you
notice it needs doing without being asked (honest: that goes a LONG way
with us parental units!) as well as some of the things you are already
doing: finding a job, keeping her informed about where you are or at
least when you'll be home, and demonstrating that you are thinking about
your future and planning in a way that demonstrates maturity.
(All of this assumes that Steve is wrong, and you AREN'T a troll --
something that occurred to me, as well, though I'd have guessed someone
younger than 18 just looking for arguments to use in a year or two,
rather than someone just trolling.)
Dan Abel
<mehouck-2CFD6F...@newsclstr02.news.prodigy.com>,
dragonlady <meh...@REMOVEpacbell.net> wrote:
> In article <1147545035.3...@j73g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
> "Lissa" <xliss...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
> > i'm sorry if the way i wrote that comment to you was sounding like i
> > was complaining, because i wasn't. i'm just really irritated. but i'm
> > asking for advice from people and i'm trying to get my mom to change
> > her mind hopefully. i'm just trying to get other people's opinion of
> > things...whether i'm asking or my mom. i would just like to know in
> > general what you think.
> >
>
> Do you honestly think that telling her that people on a newsgroup think
> she's wrong will change her mind? Or even that parents she KNOWS
> disagree with her will change her mind?
I have to agree with your argument here. Still, people do post here
looking for advice, and it's possible somebody has some good arguments
or statistics that she could use to help convince her mom.
Unfortunately, I don't. I do know that the more parents force children
to do things, the more they rebel when they get free, sometimes to great
excess.
--
Dan Abel
da...@sonic.net
Petaluma, California, USA
R. Steve Walz
And so you don't think this is MAJOR?
I'd put it right there with her mother trying to steal her children
or her husband!
> However, we're essentially saying the same thing: if you can't get your
> mom to change her mind, move out.
-----------------------
Point being she shouldn't have to be abused into moving out, that's
like pretending she should maintain a friendship into the future
with a person who is sabotaging her LIFE by trying to DEPRIVE HER
OF HER *HOME*!! The daughter has a moral claim to inheritance of
her family lodging till she is established!!! And *IF* that person
sabotaging her LIFE is her *MOTHER*, then the daughter should USE
THE NUCLEAR OPTION to CLARIFY WHO IN THE FUCK THAT BITCH THINKS SHE
IS and THEN DELIVER the treatment which THAT BITCH then DESERVES
if she is too stupid to BACK THE FUCK DOWN!
> And I DO know parents whose tune changed once their kids started
> discussing their plans for getting out of the house -- especially if the
> kids' plans were well thought out, and demonstrated the sort of maturity
> to actually implement them.
-----------------------
Nonsense. This kind of bitch needs her asshole kicked HARD! Right up
between her shoulder blades!
Steve
dragonlady
I think you need to get a grip.
But to you, EVERYTHING seems to be major.
This is a curfew -- all she's being deprived of is a few hours of time
away from home, and the chance to establish her own limits right now.
Eventually, she'll get that chance.
You always want to dump the relationship with the parents, just because
they're less than perfect.
The fact is, NO parent is perfect: we all make mistakes, have regrets.
It is a fact of life. I know my parent did, and I know I did.
But I have a great relationship with my parents now, and my kids and I
have a great relationship in spite of my lack of perfection.
Fortunately, I didn't have anyone telling them they needed to hurt me
(which is what you are advocating) over my imperfections.
>
> > However, we're essentially saying the same thing: if you can't get your
> > mom to change her mind, move out.
> -----------------------
> Point being she shouldn't have to be abused into moving out, that's
> like pretending she should maintain a friendship into the future
> with a person who is sabotaging her LIFE by trying to DEPRIVE HER
> OF HER *HOME*!! The daughter has a moral claim to inheritance of
> her family lodging till she is established!!! And *IF* that person
> sabotaging her LIFE is her *MOTHER*, then the daughter should USE
> THE NUCLEAR OPTION to CLARIFY WHO IN THE FUCK THAT BITCH THINKS SHE
> IS and THEN DELIVER the treatment which THAT BITCH then DESERVES
> if she is too stupid to BACK THE FUCK DOWN!
>
>
> > And I DO know parents whose tune changed once their kids started
> > discussing their plans for getting out of the house -- especially if the
> > kids' plans were well thought out, and demonstrated the sort of maturity
> > to actually implement them.
> -----------------------
> Nonsense. This kind of bitch needs her asshole kicked HARD! Right up
> between her shoulder blades!
All you know about her is that she has what appears to be an
inappropriate curfew. That isn't enough information to make that
declaration.
R. Steve Walz
Bullshit.
Having your Life "run" by another is sufficiently offensive to KILL
about!
> This is a curfew -- all she's being deprived of is a few hours of time
> away from home, and the chance to establish her own limits right now.
> Eventually, she'll get that chance.
--------------------------
That's like saying you should tolerate being randomly grabbed and
enslaved for a time!! It is NO more TOLERABLE!!
This is called FREEDOM, for which Patrick Henry chose DEATH than
be deprived of it. And his sort was even MORE abstract than MINE!
> You always want to dump the relationship with the parents, just because
> they're less than perfect.
-------------------------------
It's not a matter of perfection, it is a matter of criminality!
No one need be perfect, but everyone is REQUIRED not to offend
against the Freedoms of others!
> The fact is, NO parent is perfect: we all make mistakes, have regrets.
> It is a fact of life. I know my parent did, and I know I did.
------------------------------
Mistakes are different than CRIMES! Offenses against ADULT FREEDOMS
are INDEED CRIMES!! BEAT THEM PUBLICALLY UNTIL THEY DO NOT!!! RIP
their families from them to show them they DARE NOT OFFEND IN THIS
CRIMINAL MANNER!
> But I have a great relationship with my parents now, and my kids and I
> have a great relationship in spite of my lack of perfection.
> Fortunately, I didn't have anyone telling them they needed to hurt me
> (which is what you are advocating) over my imperfections.
-------------------------------
HURT YOU UNTIL YOU STOP! If you do NOT learn your lesson, then you
DO NOT *DESERVE* ANY FAMILY OR GRANDCHILDREN!!! If you cannot LEARN
then you should have those RIPPED from your Life VIOLENTLY!
> > > However, we're essentially saying the same thing: if you can't get your
> > > mom to change her mind, move out.
> > -----------------------
> > Point being she shouldn't have to be abused into moving out, that's
> > like pretending she should maintain a friendship into the future
> > with a person who is sabotaging her LIFE by trying to DEPRIVE HER
> > OF HER *HOME*!! The daughter has a moral claim to inheritance of
> > her family lodging till she is established!!! And *IF* that person
> > sabotaging her LIFE is her *MOTHER*, then the daughter should USE
> > THE NUCLEAR OPTION to CLARIFY WHO IN THE FUCK THAT BITCH THINKS SHE
> > IS and THEN DELIVER the treatment which THAT BITCH then DESERVES
> > if she is too stupid to BACK THE FUCK DOWN!
> >
> >
> > > And I DO know parents whose tune changed once their kids started
> > > discussing their plans for getting out of the house -- especially if the
> > > kids' plans were well thought out, and demonstrated the sort of maturity
> > > to actually implement them.
> > -----------------------
> > Nonsense. This kind of bitch needs her asshole kicked HARD! Right up
> > between her shoulder blades!
>
> All you know about her is that she has what appears to be an
> inappropriate curfew. That isn't enough information to make that
> declaration.
--------------------------
She is an ADULT!
Establishment of a Curfew is THEN ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN TO ANY OTHER
EQUAL ADULT!! It is NOXIOUS!! That is CERTAINLY so for an ADULT!
However!: Even TEENS should KILL their parents for that offense!
It is an abomination before humankind to try to control another,
and it does NOT work, it has the exact OPPOSITE effect of that
which is desired. ANY dishonoring of young person's rights causes
them to hate you and rebel against you, even to the extent of
threatening their own Life and its opportunities! ANY society
that subjects their children to the HARM of oppression of this
kind is DOOMED and DESERVING of DESTRUCTION, and therefore is a
fair target for absolute destruction by anyone who chooses to!
Steve
Lissa
i have a friend a beauty school who has said that she'd talk to her
husband, and i'd be able to move in with them. the only thing is that i
dont know if my mother would let me be able to take my car with me
because it's in her name. and if that happens, that i can't finish
school. i'd like to eventually put the car in my name, but i need to
find a job first. and the other thing is that it's like 20 miles away
from my bf, and we see each other everyday. i think that's just to far
away from him....gas wise.
and mom has let me stay out until 2am this weekend, but everynight when
i come in she yells at me about being late when i'm not. and the next
morning she bitches about how she didn't sleep that night and how the
2am thin wlil never happen again!
Lissa
Dan Abel
"Lissa" <xliss...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> and mom has let me stay out until 2am this weekend, but everynight when
> i come in she yells at me about being late when i'm not. and the next
> morning she bitches about how she didn't sleep that night and how the
> 2am thin wlil never happen again!
That's one of the reasons that parents don't like their kids to be out
late. They can't sleep until they return. If they have things to do in
the morning, that means that they are sleep deprived. I know my mother
used this argument on me.
Of course, once the kid moves out, the parent can magically sleep. It
doesn't make sense, but that is how it works for some people.
Fortunately, neither my wife nor I have this problem. Once the kids
reached a certain age, they could stay out as late as they wanted, as
long as they were responsible.
dragonlady
Dan Abel <da...@sonic.net> wrote:
I DID have that problem, but as my kids got older managed to solve it:
I could fall asleep, but would wake up and be unable to get BACK to
sleep if they were late! That, unfortunately, included if they were on
time, but I hadn't heard them come in, so my kids always come and tell
me when they get home; they know if they don't, I'll wake up around 2
am (or 4 or whatever) and be unable to get back to sleep until I check
their room, so they're all really good about letting me know when they
get home. (And my youngest is 20, and, yes, I'm still like that. I
have no issues with her staying out all night, provided she tells me in
advance that that's what she's doing, and she sets her own "curfew" --
that is, she tells me what time she's going to be home -- but if she
SAYS she'll be home by 2 am and isn't, I wake up around 2:30 and can't
get back to sleep until I hear from her. It doesn't have to make sense,
it's just the way my body works.)
We will soon be living with my 23 yo again, sort of: she'll be renting
an in-law apartment from us, complete with its own entrance. I know
I'll have to figure out how to sleep not knowing whether she's home, or
when she gets home, but I'm sure I'll manage.
To the OP: for some of us, it IS hard to sleep well until we know our
kids are safe in their beds! If this is the case with your mother, I
have some sympathy for her. However, I know from experience, that you
CAN teach yourself to sleep even while they are still out.
R. Steve Walz
Forget the car, live with some guy, it almost doesn't matter
WHICH guy at YOUR age, find one, fuck one, get the T-shirt and
grow up, for God's sake!
Leave, you stupid ass. All else is ridiculous until you do.
Steve
R. Steve Walz
Which means that all it ever is, is a sick manipulation.
Steve
chammu
condition Lissa and u r mom condition. I have attend a course in oneness
university there i got a solution for these problems i give u some.
First of all u r right u think but u r mom is not right.
Just do these things in u r life then how u r mom automatically get
changed. Daily morning u get the blessings from u r mother by phone call
or touching her feet. Then u donot try to change her u just accept what
she says. just try it and send me mail what happens.
touching the feet of u r mother is like touching the feet of God. So
when the feet is touched the heart flowers in u r mom and all the things
become good. try it try it