Yes Lyrics to be Added to New Testament
Ed
DISCLAIMER: the following is a humorous fake news article reprinted from
theonion.com without permission. As a Christian, I do not present this
article to offend any religion, merely to share a funny parody of YES
lyrics.
VATICAN CITY--In the
first-ever union of the Word of God
and the Synthesizer, the Catholic
Church's College of Cardinals voted
unanimously Monday to incorporate
the lyrics of Yes into the New
Testament.
The resulting new Bible, the
Revised Standard YesScriptures, will
replace the Jerusalem Bible of 1966 as
the standard accepted record and
vehicle of divine revelation.
"Let us rejoice in this momentous
occasion," said Pope John Paul II in a
special service at St. Peter's. "And let
no man be unmoved, remembering the
words of Jesus: 'In and around the
lake, mountains come out of the sky,
and they stand there.' Amen."
In addition to a number of new sections, including the four-part
Book of Bruford (a. Cord of Life; b. Eclipse; c. The Preacher; d. The
Apocalypse), the revised YesScriptures will feature a dazzling,
airbrushed gatefold by artist Roger Dean.
Perhaps the most significant change is a more complete history of
the life of Christ. In the revised account of Christ's temptation by
Satan, the Lord and Savior is brought to a mountaintop overlooking a
pastel landscape filled with exotic, half-melted rock formations and
wispy, cloudlike trees. Christ, though tempted, "can see all good people
turn their heads each day, and, so satisfied, He continues on His way."
Christ's rejection of the Lord Of Lies is then followed by a
16-minute keyboard solo by synthesizer maestro Rick Wakeman.
"God's word is not always clear, and neither is the path Jesus
wants us to take in life," New York's Cardinal O'Connor said of the new
scriptures. "But when Jesus tells His disciples at the Last Supper to
eat of His body and drink of His blood, for 'He can feel no sense of
measure, no illusions as He taketh refuge in young man's pleasure,' I as
a Christian take comfort in these words."
Despite being called for by pro-Yes movements within the Church
for decades, the decision marks the first official Catholic
acknowledgement of Yes-inclusive language and Yes-positive Biblical
interpretations as actually being the Divine Word.
"The Holy See's decision is a victory for progressives
everywhere," said Jethro Tull frontman and longtime Christian Ian
Anderson. "The updated Bible passages reflect the tremendously
significant role that the concept album plays in our modern lives."
The Catholic Church is not the first religious sect to embrace
progressive-rock reform. Since 1974, Reform Jews have, as part of Rosh
Hashanah services, sung verses from The Book Of Genesis Featuring Peter
Gabriel. For years, Unitarian educators have taught the works of
Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, including Brain Salad Surgery.
Though the majority of Bible scholars are welcoming the new
YesScriptures, a small minority stands strongly opposed.
"The messages in the YesScriptures are rarely clear and almost
always of questionable morality," said Michael Fox, chair of Yale
University's Divinity School. "While Christ's message may seem obvious
when, in Howe 3:16, He sayeth unto James the Lesser: 'Owner of a lonely
heart, yea, much better than thee, O owner of a broken heart,' it is
possible that this passage contains intended irony on the part of the
Savior, and that the verse actually signifies a message of profound
sympathy for the
broken-hearted heart-owners of Mankind."
"The Word of God is the rock upon which we have built the Catholic
Church," Fox concluded. "It is not Fragile."
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