Death wish.
andy the pugh
Sorry, master, for taking so long, but Krauser-shaped Pygmy
hermaphrodite conjoined twin sheep are hard to find. I found one (or
should I say, a pair) quite quickly, but it was the wrong handed sort,
and would not have survived the exhaust heat.
> igor the pugh wrote:
> > It is remarkable that they still deliver really, is it not, master? A
> > hardy breeed the Transylvanian Mail.
>
> Quite so, my putrid peon, the semi-sentient second class has evolved a
> particularly tough exoskeleton of packing tape and can get particularly
> nasty at times.
I have noticed, the places they expect me to pick up the undelivered
packages from defy belief. Do they really think our mail order goods can
survive being out of refrigeration long enough to be redelivered?
The letterbox-operated oubliette you fitted just under the welcome mat
was a masterstoke, and we have the bonus of next-door-but-one's plain
brown parcels.
> I'm sure the postal service will have to rethink their
> policy of isisting that their staff wear lederhosen whatever the
> weather.
I beg, cravenly, your forgivness, master, but I feel that at timed the
Lederhosen are all that keep them together. You may, if I may be
forgiven for appearing to criticise, have chosen the wrong well for the
oubliette conversion. The one with water at the bottom might have had
some advantages for our purposes.
On the other hand, I am sure that finding uncle Vlad's impaling stake
stock must be useful eventually.
> > Are you implying a radio-controlled assailant?
>
> No, I'm assuming that she managed to cock up her final approach and has
> dislodged the TV aerial again. That could also explain the poor
> reception of Channel 5.
One must be graeful for small mercies. TTV5 is at best a cheap and
tawdry channel. Seeing the same victims sarificed on "Real Mutilations
VII" week after week strains even my genetically-enhanced credulity, Oh
tall handsome and virile one.
> > I am most grateful master, and does tha old adage not say 'you are what
> > you eat"?
>
> Indeed it does, Igor but not to you. While many of your parts may have
> eaten in the past- and doubtless a remarkably varied diet, some have
> been eaten - possibly even by some of your other parts, and certain of
> your parts have never been capable of eating or any other form of
> assimilation.
I am sorry master, but I am confused again, should I eat another
thesaurus? They are, apparently, very high in fibre.
>
> It should also say to some of the other denizens of the castle 'you are
> who you eat'.
I have noticed that too, on those longer incarcerations-for-my-own-good.
LArgely as that particular cell has no one els in it to eat. I thank my
creator that I have enough spare parts to create quite a spread. An
especially imaginative use of a salami, for example.
> [fx. Sound of feet running down the flagstones of an echoey,
> vaulted-ceilinged corridor and fading into the distance. Sound of
> metallic clanking similar to someone rummaging through a cutlery drawer.
> A cry of "Ouch! That's sharp!". Sound of a rather unpleasant scraping
> noise similar to but unlike fingernails down a blackboard. Sound of
> footprints (nice trick if you can do it!) returning.]
>
> Here you are Igor. I've sorted out some old tools that I don't use much
> these days. It can be the start of your very own surgical kit so you can
> do some experiments for yourself - and stop using my best scalpels to
> whittle your toenails at the same time. Here's some stuff that I've
> scraped from some old coffee mugs to start you off.
Master! How can I ever thank you? Friends of my own, that become feinds
of my own with only the excision if a consanant. My gratitude, as
always, knows no bounds. I may have to sharpen the spoons when my
friends dvelop nervous systems, but as of now your gift to me, your
humble thingservant, is a treasure beyond all hope, I just hope to live
up to your own degraded standards.
> I'm not sure but he certainly enjoyed it at first. I think he was trying
> too hard and was overtired. I'm sure that's the reason he slumped onto
> that half-finished laundry basket.
It was, though, a tragedy. Who would have though that wiker would be so
sharp? We are used to the danger of wicca, but to die by a homophone is
such crewel irony.
And, worse still, the basket was ruined.
> > I wondered what happend to the kitchen boy.
>
> I don't think it was that, Igor. He seemed very stringy so I'm sure we'd
> have noticed.
I believe that the soup dragon removed the string for his owm purposes
some time before the cooke got his ninetacles on the remains.
> > Indeed it is. He did try to commission a portrait, but for some reason
> > he keeps it locked in the attic.
>
> I believe that it is a sensitive subject. I heard that the portrait
> artist was unused to working by candlelight and had to rush to finish
> the portrait before morning, so his paints were not properly mixed.
> Sadly the painting has not aged well and has wrinkled badly.
Odd, that. Especially as Uncle Vlad is now looking curiously foxed,
badly hung and a little creased.
> > > Alas, there is no part of Maud in you (or vice-versa or even versa-vice)
> > > although you do have some cast-offs from the Addams Family,
> >
> > I wondered where my oak newel posts came from.
>
> They were leftover bits from when we race-tuned David Bannister.
I thought as much, is that why my attempt to ruin the London Marathon
was stymied by woodworm?
> > > Not at all, Igor, you are getting ideas from your station. You are well
> > > programmed for self survival and this program is indeed stored on
> > > various bits of a Sony Playstation.
> >
> > I wondered what the whirring noise was.
>
> It sound like you may have slipped a disk again.
Does that explain my predeliction for tight, brief, wet, lederhosen with
dangling weapons?
> > Not at all. To be honest, master, I quite enjoy the experience. She is a
> > fine looking woman your aunt.
>
> Not as fine looking as she used to be, Igor. These days she sometimed
> has to use a magnifying glass.
That may be the case, Master, but where most aunts will pick nits, yours
can pick microbes and the larger viruses. Quite how she selects, and
what she wants to do with them, is somethign I don't care to consider.
> > I could not help noticing too, master, that he seemed singularly ill
> > equipped. He had plenty of stuff to record the mutilations with, but
> > nothing but a small swiss army knife to cause them with. He obviously
> > lacks the ambition that has allowed you, master, to rise to greatness in
> > the field.
>
> Indeed, Igor. By his age I was using techniques far too advanced for a
> Swiss Army knife. Sometimes they would stretch the resources of my Swiss
> Navy knife.
Surely not, master. Any knife capable of excising most of Italy in a
single stroke could mutilate Olympically. Or does that knife lack the
required finesse?
Talking of which, have you convinced the IOC to accept rythmical
mutilation as a sport, or to accept composite atheletes?
> > > Not too inconspicuous, I hope, Igor? The money you've collected in the
> > > past as a street entertainer has been very useful - even those Scottish
> > > notes.
> >
> > You mean thse bits of paper with "Och ye repulsive bastid, get awaay
> > from my toon?"
>
> Even those, Igor. Mr Han loves to put those into the fortune cookies he
> sells to foreigners.
It does tend to reduce the number of complaints to the enviromental
health chap. I feel he worries too much though, especially considering
what you did ti their only inspector.
> > > That surprises me Igor. Did you think that the HT lead connected to your
> > > leftmost nipple was mere body art?
> >
> > I actually thought it was a badly routed artery, and didn't dare
> > interfere with it. In fact I lived in constant fear of snasgging it on a
> > spike and repainting the playroom.
>
> Badly routed? I'm sorry Igor but I just don't do badly routed! If you
> want badly routed you'll have to go and get directions from the Pink
> Palace.
Sorry, master, I should have spelt fonetickly, I was not complaining of
the path the artery took, merely that I would have prefered an Ogee
rather than Half-Round profile.
> > I find that the veal-pops last longer that way.
>
> And they're a lot more satisfactory than you rat lollies. You should
> have realised that the tails would defrost first making the lolly go
> wobbly.
I have since improves the recipie. A bit of tetanus in their final feed
works wonders, and saves a fortune in anthrax marinade.
> > I beleive you need not worry, the only rocket scientist I know of is
> > still adequately bribed, master.
>
> That is good Igor. I suppose we ought to prepare another batch of our
> wonder fuel for him.
Indeed so. Though a lorryload of tarmac might be more appealing to him.
There again, thr payload of a lemur is disapointingly small, and they
are rather slow.
> > Once they are sold I no longer care, master. And I can't see the
> > purchasers coming up here to complain.
>
> That's all right then, as long as you don't expect the ones you opened
> accounts for to pay.
Master, if I have kearned anything from you, it is to work only for
cash-in-hand/paw/tentacle/mandible/etc
> > Perhaps so, DVD might be even better, as I tend to stick the tape
> > together.
>
> Perhaps. I may install one when I sort out your slipped disk.
Well, Master, it has been some time now, how have things progressed?
> Quite so. They didn't seem to be too troubled by having bizarre
> mutations such as an even number of legs, either.
Catpotaoes with an even number of legs are the norm, master, but we know
what liberties thos americans take with breeding. Our cat/tuber hybrids
keep to the time-honoured tradition of having prime numbers of legs,
though the catkohlrabi seems to have trouble with is set. I suspect that
having 2^6972593-1 legs and only three neurons may prove to be an
evolutionary dead-end
> > An odd lot, the serfs, I find it simplest not to ponder too hard on
> > their motivations. As long as they keep supplying us with torches every
> > time we help ourselves to some new, fresh, luscious, firm, young,
> > tender, girlybits I am happy.
> > (To be honest, master, I am no longer doing it for the torches)
>
> I had thought as much Igor, but I declined to say anything in case it
> spoiled your fun.
Well, I see no reason not to enjoy despoing the maidens _and_ the
torches. I thin I prefer the torches though, they last longer.
> > Indeed not, master. The way your bedsheets come back with an imprint of
> > her distorted features on them is a little disquieting.
> >
> > My festering pile of straw, of course, exhibits no such problem.
>
> You're sleeping on the festering straw? Whatever for? What's happened to
> the four-poster bed in your dungeon?
Mildew master, and a hint of dry-rot. Which drowned.
>
> You really shouldn't be using the straw, Igor. That is supposed to be
> the bedding for the chickenman we built. The mould is nice and soft for
> him because, as you should know, the chickenman is very delicate and
> could easily break a wishbone or sprain a giblet if he were to be
> allowed out on his own.
Sadly, master, he fled the coop, bribing the Jailer with eggs. Are you
sure you can tell the differnce between X and Y chromosomes using only a
full glas of Stroh as a scrying device?
--
ap
The Baron
>
> On Wed, 13 Oct 1999 19:29:46 Martin Sheil <msh...@dmu.ac.uk> wrote:
>
> Sorry, master, for taking so long, but Krauser-shaped Pygmy
> hermaphrodite conjoined twin sheep are hard to find. I found one (or
> should I say, a pair) quite quickly, but it was the wrong handed sort,
> and would not have survived the exhaust heat.
That is no matter, Igor, I hope that your extended tour under the guise
of a book-signing jaunt proved fruitful. it will be easy to make a
heatsheild from coconut husks.
My apologies for not being at the portcullis to greet you, I was
otherwise occupied decorating one of the dungeons with some nice floral
print paper and placing lace antimacassars on the rack. I do hope that
the door to door salesman from Ikea appreciates the new decor.
> > > It is remarkable that they still deliver really, is it not, master? A
> > > hardy breeed the Transylvanian Mail.
> >
> > Quite so, my putrid peon, the semi-sentient second class has evolved a
> > particularly tough exoskeleton of packing tape and can get particularly
> > nasty at times.
>
> I have noticed, the places they expect me to pick up the undelivered
> packages from defy belief. Do they really think our mail order goods can
> survive being out of refrigeration long enough to be redelivered?
> The letterbox-operated oubliette you fitted just under the welcome mat
> was a masterstoke, and we have the bonus of next-door-but-one's plain
> brown parcels.
They are most useful for keeping the home fires burning, my repugnant
rambler, particularly the regular despatches from Readers Digest. Their
books have been a grave disappointment and their works on surgcal
techniques are alimentary in the extreme.
>
> > I'm sure the postal service will have to rethink their
> > policy of isisting that their staff wear lederhosen whatever the
> > weather.
>
> I beg, cravenly, your forgivness, master, but I feel that at timed the
> Lederhosen are all that keep them together. You may, if I may be
> forgiven for appearing to criticise, have chosen the wrong well for the
> oubliette conversion. The one with water at the bottom might have had
> some advantages for our purposes.
>
> On the other hand, I am sure that finding uncle Vlad's impaling stake
> stock must be useful eventually.
Ah-ha! It is all a cunning plan. The barbeque season will soon be upon
us and we will have hard job to beat the villagers' excitement at the
bore roast we supplied for last year's fete.
>
> > > Are you implying a radio-controlled assailant?
> >
> > No, I'm assuming that she managed to cock up her final approach and has
> > dislodged the TV aerial again. That could also explain the poor
> > reception of Channel 5.
>
> One must be graeful for small mercies. TTV5 is at best a cheap and
> tawdry channel. Seeing the same victims sarificed on "Real Mutilations
> VII" week after week strains even my genetically-enhanced credulity, Oh
> tall handsome and virile one.
You are quite right, my crusty companion, although I do suspect that you
are still a little peeved at their rjection of your offer to deal with
the leftovers.
>
> > > I am most grateful master, and does tha old adage not say 'you are what
> > > you eat"?
> >
> > Indeed it does, Igor but not to you. While many of your parts may have
> > eaten in the past- and doubtless a remarkably varied diet, some have
> > been eaten - possibly even by some of your other parts, and certain of
> > your parts have never been capable of eating or any other form of
> > assimilation.
>
> I am sorry master, but I am confused again, should I eat another
> thesaurus? They are, apparently, very high in fibre.
No, but you can eat this phone book now that I've finished reading it.
There was a great cast of characters but the plot was rubbish.
> >
> > It should also say to some of the other denizens of the castle 'you are
> > who you eat'.
>
> I have noticed that too, on those longer incarcerations-for-my-own-good.
> LArgely as that particular cell has no one els in it to eat. I thank my
> creator that I have enough spare parts to create quite a spread. An
> especially imaginative use of a salami, for example.
You're welcome.
>
> > [fx. Sound of feet running down the flagstones of an echoey,
> > vaulted-ceilinged corridor and fading into the distance. Sound of
> > metallic clanking similar to someone rummaging through a cutlery drawer.
> > A cry of "Ouch! That's sharp!". Sound of a rather unpleasant scraping
> > noise similar to but unlike fingernails down a blackboard. Sound of
> > footprints (nice trick if you can do it!) returning.]
> >
> > Here you are Igor. I've sorted out some old tools that I don't use much
> > these days. It can be the start of your very own surgical kit so you can
> > do some experiments for yourself - and stop using my best scalpels to
> > whittle your toenails at the same time. Here's some stuff that I've
> > scraped from some old coffee mugs to start you off.
>
> Master! How can I ever thank you? Friends of my own, that become feinds
> of my own with only the excision if a consanant. My gratitude, as
> always, knows no bounds. I may have to sharpen the spoons when my
> friends dvelop nervous systems, but as of now your gift to me, your
> humble thingservant, is a treasure beyond all hope, I just hope to live
> up to your own degraded standards.
I'm glad that you now have a hobby. It will take years of hard work,
dedication and reading of Haynes manuals before you can create a
thingservant of your very own but I'm sure you can do it. May I suggest
you start with the basics? Perhaps something with wheels to avoid all
the complicated articulation of limbs, brainless but connected to some
form of artificial intelligence as synapses can be very fiddly and jaws
without teeth as the enamelling can get difficult and, if it runs amok,
it could only give you a nasty suck?
>
> > I'm not sure but he certainly enjoyed it at first. I think he was trying
> > too hard and was overtired. I'm sure that's the reason he slumped onto
> > that half-finished laundry basket.
>
> It was, though, a tragedy. Who would have though that wiker would be so
> sharp? We are used to the danger of wicca, but to die by a homophone is
> such crewel irony.
You have a poin there, Igor.
> And, worse still, the basket was ruined.
Quite so, I might even describe it as a basket case.
>
> > > I wondered what happend to the kitchen boy.
> >
> > I don't think it was that, Igor. He seemed very stringy so I'm sure we'd
> > have noticed.
>
> I believe that the soup dragon removed the string for his owm purposes
> some time before the cooke got his ninetacles on the remains.
Judging by the caterwauling emanating from her apartments, I suspect
that the soup dragon has once again taken up the violin.
>
> > > Indeed it is. He did try to commission a portrait, but for some reason
> > > he keeps it locked in the attic.
> >
> > I believe that it is a sensitive subject. I heard that the portrait
> > artist was unused to working by candlelight and had to rush to finish
> > the portrait before morning, so his paints were not properly mixed.
> > Sadly the painting has not aged well and has wrinkled badly.
>
> Odd, that. Especially as Uncle Vlad is now looking curiously foxed,
> badly hung and a little creased.
While you are away, Uncle Vlad decided to go to a health farm. I
received a couple of postcards from him that said that he was enjoying
it very much. He rather liked the jacuzzi, despite the bubbles getting
up his cape. His last card mentioned that someone had remarked that he
was looking rather pale and that he'd been allocated a slot in the
tanning room but I've not heard from him since.
>
> > > > Alas, there is no part of Maud in you (or vice-versa or even versa-vice)
> > > > although you do have some cast-offs from the Addams Family,
> > >
> > > I wondered where my oak newel posts came from.
> >
> > They were leftover bits from when we race-tuned David Bannister.
>
> I thought as much, is that why my attempt to ruin the London Marathon
> was stymied by woodworm?
That could be so. You must check your detour signs for infestation
before you try that again.
>
> > > > Not at all, Igor, you are getting ideas from your station. You are well
> > > > programmed for self survival and this program is indeed stored on
> > > > various bits of a Sony Playstation.
> > >
> > > I wondered what the whirring noise was.
> >
> > It sound like you may have slipped a disk again.
>
> Does that explain my predeliction for tight, brief, wet, lederhosen with
> dangling weapons?
No, Igor, that is because you are a pervert.
>
> > > Not at all. To be honest, master, I quite enjoy the experience. She is a
> > > fine looking woman your aunt.
> >
> > Not as fine looking as she used to be, Igor. These days she sometimed
> > has to use a magnifying glass.
>
> That may be the case, Master, but where most aunts will pick nits, yours
> can pick microbes and the larger viruses. Quite how she selects, and
> what she wants to do with them, is somethign I don't care to consider.
I believe that she has some exceptionally fine tweezers. I know that she
is never without them and a kilner jar but I too do not know what she
does them. I suspect however that the fact that she keeps winning the
local jam-making contest by default due to the other entrants being
struck down with ebola, dysentry or verruccas may hold the answer.
>
> > > I could not help noticing too, master, that he seemed singularly ill
> > > equipped. He had plenty of stuff to record the mutilations with, but
> > > nothing but a small swiss army knife to cause them with. He obviously
> > > lacks the ambition that has allowed you, master, to rise to greatness in
> > > the field.
> >
> > Indeed, Igor. By his age I was using techniques far too advanced for a
> > Swiss Army knife. Sometimes they would stretch the resources of my Swiss
> > Navy knife.
>
> Surely not, master. Any knife capable of excising most of Italy in a
> single stroke could mutilate Olympically. Or does that knife lack the
> required finesse?
It most certainly does not Igor! It does however require a larger fuel
tank.
>
> Talking of which, have you convinced the IOC to accept rythmical
> mutilation as a sport, or to accept composite atheletes?
Alas not. They are still convinced that the most horrific spectacle the
audience could stand is the synchronised swimming.
>
> > > > Not too inconspicuous, I hope, Igor? The money you've collected in the
> > > > past as a street entertainer has been very useful - even those Scottish
> > > > notes.
> > >
> > > You mean thse bits of paper with "Och ye repulsive bastid, get awaay
> > > from my toon?"
> >
> > Even those, Igor. Mr Han loves to put those into the fortune cookies he
> > sells to foreigners.
>
> It does tend to reduce the number of complaints to the enviromental
> health chap. I feel he worries too much though, especially considering
> what you did ti their only inspector.
Indeed, Igor, it is going to be hard to top last year's bore roast.
>
> > > > That surprises me Igor. Did you think that the HT lead connected to your
> > > > leftmost nipple was mere body art?
> > >
> > > I actually thought it was a badly routed artery, and didn't dare
> > > interfere with it. In fact I lived in constant fear of snasgging it on a
> > > spike and repainting the playroom.
> >
> > Badly routed? I'm sorry Igor but I just don't do badly routed! If you
> > want badly routed you'll have to go and get directions from the Pink
> > Palace.
>
> Sorry, master, I should have spelt fonetickly, I was not complaining of
> the path the artery took, merely that I would have prefered an Ogee
> rather than Half-Round profile.
That may be so but all those curves are now rather passe. Angles and
high tech is the in thing apparantly. I'm even thinking of updating the
lab and getting rid of some of the knife switches and big hummy-sparky
things and replacing them with touch panel displays and LCD bargraphs.
>
> > > I find that the veal-pops last longer that way.
> >
> > And they're a lot more satisfactory than you rat lollies. You should
> > have realised that the tails would defrost first making the lolly go
> > wobbly.
>
> I have since improves the recipie. A bit of tetanus in their final feed
> works wonders, and saves a fortune in anthrax marinade.
Your culinary creativity knows no bounds.
>
> > > I beleive you need not worry, the only rocket scientist I know of is
> > > still adequately bribed, master.
> >
> > That is good Igor. I suppose we ought to prepare another batch of our
> > wonder fuel for him.
>
> Indeed so. Though a lorryload of tarmac might be more appealing to him.
>
> There again, thr payload of a lemur is disapointingly small, and they
> are rather slow.
That is very true but I am reluctant to send anything larger as it would
necessitate having to harness the cart to some of the Neat herd and the
cart would be returned neatless but waterproof.
>
> > > Once they are sold I no longer care, master. And I can't see the
> > > purchasers coming up here to complain.
> >
> > That's all right then, as long as you don't expect the ones you opened
> > accounts for to pay.
>
> Master, if I have kearned anything from you, it is to work only for
> cash-in-hand/paw/tentacle/mandible/etc
>
> > > Perhaps so, DVD might be even better, as I tend to stick the tape
> > > together.
> >
> > Perhaps. I may install one when I sort out your slipped disk.
>
> Well, Master, it has been some time now, how have things progressed?
Alas, not very well Igor. I still need to find a way to prevent the
laser from severing your spinal cord.
>
> > Quite so. They didn't seem to be too troubled by having bizarre
> > mutations such as an even number of legs, either.
>
> Catpotaoes with an even number of legs are the norm, master, but we know
> what liberties thos americans take with breeding. Our cat/tuber hybrids
> keep to the time-honoured tradition of having prime numbers of legs,
> though the catkohlrabi seems to have trouble with is set. I suspect that
> having 2^6972593-1 legs and only three neurons may prove to be an
> evolutionary dead-end
You may be right Igor, besides, the football crowd has already been
invented. I believe you should continue with the fibonaccifennel though.
>
> > > An odd lot, the serfs, I find it simplest not to ponder too hard on
> > > their motivations. As long as they keep supplying us with torches every
> > > time we help ourselves to some new, fresh, luscious, firm, young,
> > > tender, girlybits I am happy.
> > > (To be honest, master, I am no longer doing it for the torches)
> >
> > I had thought as much Igor, but I declined to say anything in case it
> > spoiled your fun.
>
> Well, I see no reason not to enjoy despoing the maidens _and_ the
> torches. I thin I prefer the torches though, they last longer.
They are certainly brighter than some of the village wenches, Igor, and
less prone to give you heartsburn.
>
> > > Indeed not, master. The way your bedsheets come back with an imprint of
> > > her distorted features on them is a little disquieting.
> > >
> > > My festering pile of straw, of course, exhibits no such problem.
> >
> > You're sleeping on the festering straw? Whatever for? What's happened to
> > the four-poster bed in your dungeon?
>
> Mildew master, and a hint of dry-rot. Which drowned.
Ah, I take it that the rising damp is working it's way back down again?
> >
> > You really shouldn't be using the straw, Igor. That is supposed to be
> > the bedding for the chickenman we built. The mould is nice and soft for
> > him because, as you should know, the chickenman is very delicate and
> > could easily break a wishbone or sprain a giblet if he were to be
> > allowed out on his own.
>
> Sadly, master, he fled the coop, bribing the Jailer with eggs. Are you
> sure you can tell the differnce between X and Y chromosomes using only a
> full glas of Stroh as a scrying device?
I'm sure it will work, Igor. I suspect that I should give it a go
without drinking the Stroh, though.
Baron von Martinstein
Tom Donahue
Tom
Ivan Reid
>Very entertaining, is a wierd way, but what the heck was that all about?
You need to do some research at deja.com, you do.
Oh, and snip all that's not necessary to maintain context (and
.sigs), post at the bottom, and do read the FAQ and Charter, old bean!
--
Ivan Reid, Physics & Astronomy, University College London. i...@hep.ucl.ac.uk
GSX600F, RG250WD. SI=2.66 "You Porsche. Me pass!" DoD #484
JKLO# 003, 005 WP7# 3000 UKMC#00009
KotPT -- "for stupidity above and beyond the call of duty".
Ignatius
Tom Donahue <sne...@telis.org> wrote:
> Very entertaining, is a wierd way, but what the heck was that all
about?
>
> Tom
It's easy Tom. British investment bankers speaking in code about trans-
genus buggery and whatnot. Self aggrandizing banter about escapades in
wet jumpsuits a barrister wigs. Vote to chlorinate the Pond, Tom,
because they’re not that far away, and we’ve already got Catherine Dunn.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
andy the pugh
> > Sorry, master, for taking so long, but Krauser-shaped Pygmy
> > hermaphrodite conjoined twin sheep are hard to find. I found one (or
> > should I say, a pair) quite quickly, but it was the wrong handed sort,
> > and would not have survived the exhaust heat.
>
> That is no matter, Igor, I hope that your extended tour under the guise
> of a book-signing jaunt proved fruitful.
Indeed so master, ugli fruitful, in the main.
> it will be easy to make a
> heatsheild from coconut husks.
I before E except after C, master, If I may be so bold as to correct
you. The only exception is the surname of a very odd chap who I don't
think we have either ever heard of.
>
> My apologies for not being at the portcullis to greet you, I was
> otherwise occupied decorating one of the dungeons with some nice floral
> print paper and placing lace antimacassars on the rack. I do hope that
> the door to door salesman from Ikea appreciates the new decor.
Did you infest it with those paisley patterned rats we bred? You
remember, the orange ones with loud voices and no discernable brain.
> > I have noticed, the places they expect me to pick up the undelivered
> > packages from defy belief. Do they really think our mail order goods can
> > survive being out of refrigeration long enough to be redelivered?
> > The letterbox-operated oubliette you fitted just under the welcome mat
> > was a masterstoke, and we have the bonus of next-door-but-one's plain
> > brown parcels.
>
> They are most useful for keeping the home fires burning, my repugnant
> rambler,
Yeth, Master, indeed they are. A most convenient way to light a fire,
some of them are, in conjunctron with my phosphorous appendage.
> particularly the regular despatches from Readers Digest. Their
> books have been a grave disappointment
Too true, they seem to totally misunderstand the concept of
condescending things, you really ought to give them lessons, master.
> and their works on surgcal
> techniques are alimentary in the extreme.
Once again, I am forced to agree, but even were I not, I would. Such a
disappointing set of publications from an organisation with _such_ a
promising name.
> > On the other hand, I am sure that finding uncle Vlad's impaling stake
> > stock must be useful eventually.
>
> Ah-ha! It is all a cunning plan. The barbeque season will soon be upon
> us and we will have hard job to beat the villagers' excitement at the
> bore roast we supplied for last year's fete.
Maybe not, master, this year we could use Dan Kierkegaard. (to continue
the theme)
> > One must be graeful for small mercies. TTV5 is at best a cheap and
> > tawdry channel. Seeing the same victims sarificed on "Real Mutilations
> > VII" week after week strains even my genetically-enhanced credulity, Oh
> > tall handsome and virile one.
>
> You are quite right, my crusty companion, although I do suspect that you
> are still a little peeved at their rejection of your offer to deal with
> the leftovers.
It turned out that they had the pieces earmarked (well, some of them,
others were less specifically marked) for a cookery programme. Something
along the lines of "can't cook, can be cooked" as I understand it. Which
is as I understand most thing, incompletely. Master.
> > I am sorry master, but I am confused again, should I eat another
> > thesaurus? They are, apparently, very high in fibre.
>
> No, but you can eat this phone book now that I've finished reading it.
I was, if I may appear to be unacceptably insubservient, referring not
to the book, but to the generic, but definite, dinosaur. Surely you
remember recreating it from a genotype found in a bucket in the
lowermost of the not-quite-flooded cellars?
> > I have noticed that too, on those longer incarcerations-for-my-own-good.
> > Largely as that particular cell has no one else in it to eat. I thank my
> > creator that I have enough spare parts to create quite a spread. An
> > especially imaginative use of a salami, for example.
>
> You're welcome.
I must protest, again master, that I have _never_ been welcome, a trait
I thank my creator for, sor 'tis a rare and unusual virtue.
>
> > Master! How can I ever thank you? Friends of my own, that become feinds
> > of my own with only the excision if a consanant. My gratitude, as
> > always, knows no bounds. I may have to sharpen the spoons when my
> > friends dvelop nervous systems, but as of now your gift to me, your
> > humble thingservant, is a treasure beyond all hope, I just hope to live
> > up to your own degraded standards.
>
> I'm glad that you now have a hobby. It will take years of hard work,
> dedication and reading of Haynes manuals before you can create a
> thingservant of your very own but I'm sure you can do it.
I, once again, defer to your better judgement. I find it hard to believe
that these several hands could ever aspire to the level of dextrousness
accomplished by your mere two (albeit that yours are not all left hands,
giving you a slight advantage on the destrousness front). I have tried
marinading mine in sugar, but dextroseness seems to be a poor
substitute.
> May I suggest
> you start with the basics? Perhaps something with wheels to avoid all
> the complicated articulation of limbs, brainless but connected to some
> form of artificial intelligence as synapses can be very fiddly and jaws
> without teeth as the enamelling can get difficult and, if it runs amok,
> it could only give you a nasty suck?
I think I see what you are envisaging, master, perhaps I could thereby
meet a certain televisual celebrity I know you are fond of and
impregnate her with your gravidity serum.
'Tis such a pity, master, that Tomorrows World is not live, and this the
world will not get the chance to be awed by your evil (and I can think
of no higher praise) genius.
> > It was, though, a tragedy. Who would have though that wicker would be so
> > sharp? We are used to the danger of wicca, but to die by a homophone is
> > such crewel irony.
>
> You have a poin there, Igor.
Sorry, master, but you told me to hold it while you were adjusting my
dress.
> > I believe that the soup dragon removed the string for his owm purposes
> > some time before the cook got his ninetacles on the remains.
>
> Judging by the caterwauling emanating from her apartments, I suspect
> that the soup dragon has once again taken up the violin.
I believe it is worse than that, master, she is rather short sighted is
the soup dragon (living in a turbid opaque fluid will do that) and has
once again fallen in love with the violin. Who woul dhave thought that
such disparate species would be cross fertile? Certainly not me, master,
though I feel sure that you foresaw the possibility.
> > Odd, that. Especially as Uncle Vlad is now looking curiously foxed,
> > badly hung and a little creased.
>
> While you are away, Uncle Vlad decided to go to a health farm. I
> received a couple of postcards from him that said that he was enjoying
> it very much. He rather liked the jacuzzi, despite the bubbles getting
> up his cape.
It would probably have transported him back to the days of his youth,
when he could flap his cape and fly to the farthest reaches of the
castle. It was so sad when the moths got to his cape and he became, in
bat form, more of a plummetmaus than a fleidermaus
> His last card mentioned that someone had remarked that he
> was looking rather pale and that he'd been allocated a slot in the
> tanning room but I've not heard from him since.
Hardly unsurprising, master, his skin was leathery enough without being
steeped in a solution of oak chippings and lye.
> > I thought as much, is that why my attempt to ruin the London Marathon
> > was stymied by woodworm?
>
> That could be so. You must check your detour signs for infestation
> before you try that again.
It seems that I can't get it right, the upper, dry, reaches of the
castle are infested with woodworm (or house longleg beetle, one of your
less useful, but most fecund creations) and the lower portions by dry
rot, wet rot and underwater rot, in descending order. Sadly the
intermediate layer is the thickness of a carpet, the pink one, which has
its own problems.
> > Does that explain my predeliction for tight, brief, wet, lederhosen with
> > dangling weapons?
>
> No, Igor, that is because you are a pervert.
That goes without saying, master, I am, after all, your creature.
> > That may be the case, Master, but where most aunts will pick nits, yours
> > can pick microbes and the larger viruses. Quite how she selects, and
> > what she wants to do with them, is somethign I don't care to consider.
>
> I believe that she has some exceptionally fine tweezers. I know that she
> is never without them and a kilner jar but I too do not know what she
> does then.
She does keep lying us with particularly unusual jam....
> I suspect however that the fact that she keeps winning the
> local jam-making contest by default due to the other entrants being
> struck down with ebola, dysentry or verruccas may hold the answer.
I had wondered how the jams in question kept winning, over such mundane
but conventional entries as strawberry and dill pickle.
> > Surely not, master. Any knife capable of excising most of Italy in a
> > single stroke could mutilate Olympically. Or does that knife lack the
> > required finesse?
>
> It most certainly does not Igor! It does however require a larger fuel
> tank.
Could you not convert it to nuclear fission? Since the accident in the
radium ovens we have had quite a good supply of nuclear fish in the
moat.
> >
> > Talking of which, have you convinced the IOC to accept rythmical
> > mutilation as a sport, or to accept composite atheletes?
>
> Alas not. They are still convinced that the most horrific spectacle the
> audience could stand is the synchronised swimming.
On consideration, master, our niche does seem to be occupied.
> > It does tend to reduce the number of complaints to the enviromental
> > health chap. I feel he worries too much though, especially considering
> > what you did ti their only inspector.
>
> Indeed, Igor, it is going to be hard to top last year's bore roast.
I believe that cousin bertram has trapped a Gatso camera filler...
Not, of course, that either of us have anything to fear from cameras of
any sort, thanks to your uncle Vlads bloodline (or, in my case,
bloodclot)
> > Sorry, master, I should have spelt fonetickly, I was not complaining of
> > the path the artery took, merely that I would have prefered an Ogee
> > rather than Half-Round profile.
>
> That may be so but all those curves are now rather passe. Angles and
> high tech is the in thing apparantly. I'm even thinking of updating the
> lab and getting rid of some of the knife switches and big hummy-sparky
> things and replacing them with touch panel displays and LCD bargraphs.
I can see your point, master, but can we not keep the traditonal
equipment and merely employ, or enslave, a tall blonde cyborg in
'efficient' figure hugging lycra?
Sorry master, it's come loose again, can you pass me the adjustable
spanner?
> > I have since improves the recipie. A bit of tetanus in their final feed
> > works wonders, and saves a fortune in anthrax marinade.
>
> Your culinary creativity knows no bounds.
I have been considering further, and ebola seems to have great culinary
potential for tenderising the food of those of us with few teeth in thei
right places, or, in your case, a genetic predisposition to liquid food
on your mother's side.
> > There again, thr payload of a lemur is disapointingly small, and they
> > are rather slow.
>
> That is very true but I am reluctant to send anything larger as it would
> necessitate having to harness the cart to some of the Neat herd and the
> cart would be returned neatless but waterproof.
Could we not fit them with precautionary itatnium wellington boots to
protect their extremities from harm?
> > > Perhaps. I may install one when I sort out your slipped disk.
> >
> > Well, Master, it has been some time now, how have things progressed?
>
> Alas, not very well Igor. I still need to find a way to prevent the
> laser from severing your spinal cord.
Is that such a great problem, it does, after all, only support a sash
counterweight. A bit of wire rope would do equally well.
> > Catpotaoes with an even number of legs are the norm, master, but we know
> > what liberties thos americans take with breeding. Our cat/tuber hybrids
> > keep to the time-honoured tradition of having prime numbers of legs,
> > though the catkohlrabi seems to have trouble with is set. I suspect that
> > having 2^6972593-1 legs and only three neurons may prove to be an
> > evolutionary dead-end
>
> You may be right Igor, besides, the football crowd has already been
> invented. I believe you should continue with the fibonaccifennel though.
Of course, master, though I do keep losing count. Not you, of course,
though I normally call you Baron to avoid such confusion. It never seems
to amaze me how many titles you aquired that bleak night all those years
ago. The sudden wealth and power must have gone some way to assuaging
your grief of the deaths of so many of your close family in such a
peculiar and unusual way, in such geographically diverse locations, on
the stroke of midnight that night.
> > Well, I see no reason not to enjoy despoing the maidens _and_ the
> > torches. I think I prefer the torches though, they last longer.
>
> They are certainly brighter than some of the village wenches, Igor, and
> less prone to give you heartsburn.
Indeed so, master. The wenches area also a little, how should I put it,
'screamy'.
> > > You're sleeping on the festering straw? Whatever for? What's happened to
> > > the four-poster bed in your dungeon?
> >
> > Mildew master, and a hint of dry-rot. Which drowned.
>
> Ah, I take it that the rising damp is working it's way back down again?
It appears, master, that we have the first ever case of perepetetic
damp. That experiment must be deemd a success.
> > Sadly, master, he fled the coop, bribing the Jailer with eggs. Are you
> > sure you can tell the differnce between X and Y chromosomes using only a
> > full glass of Stroh as a scrying device?
>
> I'm sure it will work, Igor. I suspect that I should give it a go
> without drinking the Stroh, though.
Always the wisest choice, in my limited experience. Oh great and
experienced one. There is just the one f you today, is there, master?
--
ap
Dances with Poultry
wrote:
>> Very entertaining, is a wierd way, but what the heck was that all
>about?
>>
>> Tom
>
>
>It's easy Tom. British investment bankers speaking in code about trans-
>genus buggery and whatnot. Self aggrandizing banter about escapades in
>wet jumpsuits a barrister wigs. Vote to chlorinate the Pond, Tom,
>because they’re not that far away, and we’ve already got Catherine Dunn.
Chlorinate the pond? You simple minded fools. It's not going to be
that easy my tea sipping confrere. I have obtained and introduced a
sample of Igor's multi-strand DNA into my own little set of
independent experiments on this side of the pond.
Today my refrigerator, tomorrow the wrold!
--
DwP, Remove BLOOMERS to reply
Rigger
> Today my refrigerator, tomorrow the wrold!
^^^^^
Gad zooks!! Dennis has created an Adny!
--
Rigger-at-voyager-dot-net
IATSE#274 DoD#2117 NGI#666 ACGWB#5 BMoZ#[Classified]
-----
There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the Moon howls...
Dances with Poultry
<rigger-...@voyager.net> wrote:
>DwP wrote:
>
>> Today my refrigerator, tomorrow the wrold!
> ^^^^^
>
>
>Gad zooks!! Dennis has created an Adny!
With 5, count em F I V E asses.
Although it's still embryonic at this stage. Don't want to get too
excited just yet. A large percentage of my experiments experience SCD
(Sudden Crisper Death).
Still, I have a five assed Adny for my formaldehyde collection at the
very least.
Ignatius
dbr...@BLOOMERSonramp.net wrote:
> On Thu, 04 May 2000 12:34:58 GMT, Ignatius <widdo...@my-deja.com>
> wrote:
>
> >about?
> >>
> >> Tom
> >
> >
trans-
> >genus buggery and whatnot. Self aggrandizing banter about escapades
in
> >wet jumpsuits a barrister wigs. Vote to chlorinate the Pond, Tom,
> >because they’re not that far away, and we’ve already got Catherine
Dunn.
>
> Chlorinate the pond? You simple minded fools. It's not going to be
> that easy my tea sipping confrere. I have obtained and introduced a
> sample of Igor's multi-strand DNA into my own little set of
> independent experiments on this side of the pond.
>
> DwP, Remove BLOOMERS to reply
Rogue. Best to feed cocktails of hallucinogens and high-grade speed to
gestating females. Any Arturistic amputee will tell you that
manipulating conceivers will produce THE most desirable geek. Back to
your petri dish, limster. All because you cross-ponders are
genetically coded to run backwards. Hep, Hep, 3-2-1, 3-2-1, HALT or
we’ll scatter.
Martin Sheil
>
> Rigger wrote:
>
> >Gad zooks!! Dennis has created an Adny!
>
> With 5, count em F I V E asses.
You've cloned Henry?!? =>8-0
Martin
UKMC
Dances with Poultry
wrote:
Oh dear. I hadn't looked at it that way.
<Dennis runs off to find a can of gas and some matches>
Larry at Best
"Dances with Poultry" <dbr...@BLOOMERSonramp.net> wrote in message
news:392ee155...@news.earthlink.net...
Hmmmm.....must be a Brit thing...... : - )
Martin Sheil
>
> "Dances with Poultry" wrote ...
> > Martin Sheil wrote:
> >
> > >Dances with Poultry wrote:
> > >You've cloned Henry?!? =>8-0
> >
> > Oh dear. I hadn't looked at it that way.
> >
> > <Dennis runs off to find a can of gas and some matches>
> > --
> > DwP, Remove BLOOMERS to reply
>
> Hmmmm.....must be a Brit thing...... : - )
No, I'm certain Henry is one of yours.
Martin
UKMC
Cab
waffled:
I'm sure we don't want him. You can keep Hoyt too, now we come to
mention it.....
HTH, HAND, etc
--
Cab :^)
900Divvy, XJ650 and/et un Dead 550/4 Rat
P.S. Remove NOSPAM to send me a mail. Sorry, forgot to tell you.
Loadsajunk at : http://members.xoom.com/biker_cab/ - last updated 25/04/00
Dances with Poultry
>Larry at Best wrote:
>>
>> "Dances with Poultry" wrote ...
>> > Martin Sheil wrote:
>> >
>> > >Dances with Poultry wrote:
>
>> > >You've cloned Henry?!? =>8-0
>> >
>> > Oh dear. I hadn't looked at it that way.
>> >
>> > <Dennis runs off to find a can of gas and some matches>
>> > --
>> > DwP, Remove BLOOMERS to reply
>>
>> Hmmmm.....must be a Brit thing...... : - )
>
>No, I'm certain Henry is one of yours.
How much to take 'im off our hands?
BHinSD
> Martin Sheil wrote:
>
> >Larry at Best wrote:
> >>
> >> "Dances with Poultry" wrote ...
> >> > Martin Sheil wrote:
> >> >
> >> > >Dances with Poultry wrote:
> >
> >> > >You've cloned Henry?!? =>8-0
> >> >
> >> > Oh dear. I hadn't looked at it that way.
> >> >
> >> > <Dennis runs off to find a can of gas and some matches>
> >> > --
> >> > DwP, Remove BLOOMERS to reply
> >>
> >> Hmmmm.....must be a Brit thing...... : - )
> >
> >No, I'm certain Henry is one of yours.
>
> How much to take 'im off our hands?
You would actually pay him to take Henry? Planning a little target
practice?
--
Bob in San Diego
1985 V45 Sabre
Dances with Poultry
>dbr...@BLOOMERSonramp.net wrote:
>> Martin Sheil wrote:
>>
>> >Larry at Best wrote:
>> >>
>> >> "Dances with Poultry" wrote ...
>> >> > Martin Sheil wrote:
>> >> >
>> >> > >Dances with Poultry wrote:
>> >
>> >> > >You've cloned Henry?!? =>8-0
>> >> >
>> >> > Oh dear. I hadn't looked at it that way.
>> >> >
>> >> > <Dennis runs off to find a can of gas and some matches>
>> >> > --
>> >> > DwP, Remove BLOOMERS to reply
>> >>
>> >> Hmmmm.....must be a Brit thing...... : - )
>> >
>> >No, I'm certain Henry is one of yours.
>>
>> How much to take 'im off our hands?
>
>You would actually pay him to take Henry? Planning a little target
>practice?
Yup, long shots separate the men from the boys.
Martin Sheil
>
> The Baron <msh...@dmu.ac.uk> wrote:
>
> > it will be easy to make a
> > heatsheild from coconut husks.
>
> I before E except after C, master, If I may be so bold as to correct
> you. The only exception is the surname of a very odd chap who I don't
> think we have either ever heard of.
Indeed that is so, Igor, and we must keep it that way for legend has it
that he is a strange person with a reputation for poisoning people with
some Austrian concoction.
> >
> > My apologies for not being at the portcullis to greet you, I was
> > otherwise occupied decorating one of the dungeons with some nice floral
> > print paper and placing lace antimacassars on the rack. I do hope that
> > the door to door salesman from Ikea appreciates the new decor.
>
> Did you infest it with those paisley patterned rats we bred? You
> remember, the orange ones with loud voices and no discernable brain.
Ah yes, those, the ones with a predilection for millenary associated
with that rather quaint film about mechanical fruit and a conviction
that everything else in the world is at fault. They are still around
somewhere but unlikely to cause problems as they show no sign of
evolving into a sentient lifeform.
>
> > > I have noticed, the places they expect me to pick up the undelivered
> > > packages from defy belief. Do they really think our mail order goods can
> > > survive being out of refrigeration long enough to be redelivered?
> > > The letterbox-operated oubliette you fitted just under the welcome mat
> > > was a masterstoke, and we have the bonus of next-door-but-one's plain
> > > brown parcels.
> >
> > They are most useful for keeping the home fires burning, my repugnant
> > rambler,
>
> Yeth, Master, indeed they are. A most convenient way to light a fire,
> some of them are, in conjunctron with my phosphorous appendage.
Is that still working? I thought that it had worn out at about the same
time as the conflagration in the North wing when you were sanding down
the woodwork.
>
> > particularly the regular despatches from Readers Digest. Their
> > books have been a grave disappointment
>
> Too true, they seem to totally misunderstand the concept of
> condescending things, you really ought to give them lessons, master.
I offered but they wouldn't offer adequate serialisation rights.
>
> > and their works on surgcal
> > techniques are alimentary in the extreme.
>
> Once again, I am forced to agree, but even were I not, I would. Such a
> disappointing set of publications from an organisation with _such_ a
> promising name.
You are quite correct once again, my chthonian colleague.
>
> > > On the other hand, I am sure that finding uncle Vlad's impaling stake
> > > stock must be useful eventually.
> >
> > Ah-ha! It is all a cunning plan. The barbeque season will soon be upon
> > us and we will have hard job to beat the villagers' excitement at the
> > bore roast we supplied for last year's fete.
>
> Maybe not, master, this year we could use Dan Kierkegaard. (to continue
> the theme)
We could do, but do we really want to?
>
> > > One must be graeful for small mercies. TTV5 is at best a cheap and
> > > tawdry channel. Seeing the same victims sarificed on "Real Mutilations
> > > VII" week after week strains even my genetically-enhanced credulity, Oh
> > > tall handsome and virile one.
> >
> > You are quite right, my crusty companion, although I do suspect that you
> > are still a little peeved at their rejection of your offer to deal with
> > the leftovers.
>
> It turned out that they had the pieces earmarked (well, some of them,
> others were less specifically marked) for a cookery programme. Something
> along the lines of "can't cook, can be cooked" as I understand it. Which
> is as I understand most thing, incompletely. Master.
It is a televisual extravaganza, Igor. The object of the programme is to
waste thirty minutes of airtime with a display of turning unappealing
ingredients into something unappetising using only the talents of some
unknown chefs and the contents of a well-stocked kitchen while the
hostess cops off with one of the chefs. Regrettably the programme makers
disagree with us that it would be much more interesting if the losers
were spit-roasted.
>
> > > I am sorry master, but I am confused again, should I eat another
> > > thesaurus? They are, apparently, very high in fibre.
> >
> > No, but you can eat this phone book now that I've finished reading it.
>
> I was, if I may appear to be unacceptably insubservient, referring not
> to the book, but to the generic, but definite, dinosaur. Surely you
> remember recreating it from a genotype found in a bucket in the
> lowermost of the not-quite-flooded cellars?
No Igor you cannot eat the thesaurus. It is unwell with a rather nasty
outbreak of cold suars. You'll just have to have the phonebook.
>
> > > I have noticed that too, on those longer incarcerations-for-my-own-good.
> > > Largely as that particular cell has no one else in it to eat. I thank my
> > > creator that I have enough spare parts to create quite a spread. An
> > > especially imaginative use of a salami, for example.
> >
> > You're welcome.
>
> I must protest, again master, that I have _never_ been welcome, a trait
> I thank my creator for, sor 'tis a rare and unusual virtue.
You will always be welcome in certain parts ever since you opened the
portcullis to those lost tourists while holding the doormat and they
mistook it for a name tag.
> >
> > > Master! How can I ever thank you? Friends of my own, that become feinds
> > > of my own with only the excision if a consanant. My gratitude, as
> > > always, knows no bounds. I may have to sharpen the spoons when my
> > > friends dvelop nervous systems, but as of now your gift to me, your
> > > humble thingservant, is a treasure beyond all hope, I just hope to live
> > > up to your own degraded standards.
> >
> > I'm glad that you now have a hobby. It will take years of hard work,
> > dedication and reading of Haynes manuals before you can create a
> > thingservant of your very own but I'm sure you can do it.
>
> I, once again, defer to your better judgement. I find it hard to believe
> that these several hands could ever aspire to the level of dextrousness
> accomplished by your mere two (albeit that yours are not all left hands,
> giving you a slight advantage on the destrousness front). I have tried
> marinading mine in sugar, but dextroseness seems to be a poor
> substitute.
May I suggest a marinade of saccharin, borax and boracic acid? It may
not make you any sweeter but you will be more fireproof.
>
> > May I suggest
> > you start with the basics? Perhaps something with wheels to avoid all
> > the complicated articulation of limbs, brainless but connected to some
> > form of artificial intelligence as synapses can be very fiddly and jaws
> > without teeth as the enamelling can get difficult and, if it runs amok,
> > it could only give you a nasty suck?
>
> I think I see what you are envisaging, master, perhaps I could thereby
> meet a certain televisual celebrity I know you are fond of and
> impregnate her with your gravidity serum.
>
> 'Tis such a pity, master, that Tomorrows World is not live, and this the
> world will not get the chance to be awed by your evil (and I can think
> of no higher praise) genius.
Alas, fame will have to find me in other places for I have been banned
from Tommorows World after the episode with Peter Snow, a chocolate
confection and a wild feline which resulted in a highly intelligent
creature with chocolate coated caramel appendages. Perhaps we could
sneak you on in disguise with some creation of your own?
>
> > > It was, though, a tragedy. Who would have though that wicker would be so
> > > sharp? We are used to the danger of wicca, but to die by a homophone is
> > > such crewel irony.
> >
> > You have a poin there, Igor.
>
> Sorry, master, but you told me to hold it while you were adjusting my
> dress.
Well you can put the poin down now Igor. I have repaired your even hem,
which was making you look even more lopsided than usual.
>
> > > I believe that the soup dragon removed the string for his owm purposes
> > > some time before the cook got his ninetacles on the remains.
> >
> > Judging by the caterwauling emanating from her apartments, I suspect
> > that the soup dragon has once again taken up the violin.
>
> I believe it is worse than that, master, she is rather short sighted is
> the soup dragon (living in a turbid opaque fluid will do that) and has
> once again fallen in love with the violin. Who woul dhave thought that
> such disparate species would be cross fertile? Certainly not me, master,
> though I feel sure that you foresaw the possibility.
Indeed I did Igor and I took the precaution of neutering the violin.
Unfortunately I negelected to remove the rosin to cut down the friction.
>
> > > I thought as much, is that why my attempt to ruin the London Marathon
> > > was stymied by woodworm?
> >
> > That could be so. You must check your detour signs for infestation
> > before you try that again.
>
> It seems that I can't get it right, the upper, dry, reaches of the
> castle are infested with woodworm (or house longleg beetle, one of your
> less useful, but most fecund creations) and the lower portions by dry
> rot, wet rot and underwater rot, in descending order. Sadly the
> intermediate layer is the thickness of a carpet, the pink one, which has
> its own problems.
Indeed, it's propensity for hovering at inopportune moments has been
most offputting for those guests that do not accept the explanation that
we have used high quality underlay. We must ensure that we never buy
carpets from camp Arabian travelling salesmen again, Igor.
>
> > > Does that explain my predeliction for tight, brief, wet, lederhosen with
> > > dangling weapons?
> >
> > No, Igor, that is because you are a pervert.
>
> That goes without saying, master, I am, after all, your creature.
Although, thankfully not created in my image.
>
> > > That may be the case, Master, but where most aunts will pick nits, yours
> > > can pick microbes and the larger viruses. Quite how she selects, and
> > > what she wants to do with them, is somethign I don't care to consider.
> >
> > I believe that she has some exceptionally fine tweezers. I know that she
> > is never without them and a kilner jar but I too do not know what she
> > does then.
>
> She does keep lying us with particularly unusual jam....
This is true. I am most surprised that such a high ph value allows the
fruit to congeal.
>
> > I suspect however that the fact that she keeps winning the
> > local jam-making contest by default due to the other entrants being
> > struck down with ebola, dysentry or verruccas may hold the answer.
>
> I had wondered how the jams in question kept winning, over such mundane
> but conventional entries as strawberry and dill pickle.
Her winning streak would also seem to be aided by her slime-mould
surprise compote and it's habit of pushing the postal entries off the
shelf.
>
> > > Surely not, master. Any knife capable of excising most of Italy in a
> > > single stroke could mutilate Olympically. Or does that knife lack the
> > > required finesse?
> >
> > It most certainly does not Igor! It does however require a larger fuel
> > tank.
>
> Could you not convert it to nuclear fission? Since the accident in the
> radium ovens we have had quite a good supply of nuclear fish in the
> moat.
Alas some of the fish have escaped, possibly by bicycle. As I was
telling one of your fans while you were away, some of them have been
spotted in gainful employment in the Irish Sea pestering the lead singer
of a popular beat combo.
> > >
> > > Talking of which, have you convinced the IOC to accept rythmical
> > > mutilation as a sport, or to accept composite atheletes?
> >
> > Alas not. They are still convinced that the most horrific spectacle the
> > audience could stand is the synchronised swimming.
>
> On consideration, master, our niche does seem to be occupied.
I regret that there are some things that reach the depths of horror that
we can only dream about.
>
> > > It does tend to reduce the number of complaints to the enviromental
> > > health chap. I feel he worries too much though, especially considering
> > > what you did ti their only inspector.
> >
> > Indeed, Igor, it is going to be hard to top last year's bore roast.
>
> I believe that cousin bertram has trapped a Gatso camera filler...
Unfortunately he had mistakenly captured a vampire looking for a roost.
His mistake only came to light when the film was developed ...
>
> Not, of course, that either of us have anything to fear from cameras of
> any sort, thanks to your uncle Vlads bloodline (or, in my case,
> bloodclot)
This is very true Igor, although it is rather inconvenient at passport
renewal time. It is fortunate that passport photographs should never
look like the paasport holder.
>
> > > Sorry, master, I should have spelt fonetickly, I was not complaining of
> > > the path the artery took, merely that I would have prefered an Ogee
> > > rather than Half-Round profile.
> >
> > That may be so but all those curves are now rather passe. Angles and
> > high tech is the in thing apparantly. I'm even thinking of updating the
> > lab and getting rid of some of the knife switches and big hummy-sparky
> > things and replacing them with touch panel displays and LCD bargraphs.
>
> I can see your point, master, but can we not keep the traditonal
> equipment and merely employ, or enslave, a tall blonde cyborg in
> 'efficient' figure hugging lycra?
We can and should keep some of the old stuff for the sake of tradition
but I still rather fancy some of the high tech gadgets. I am already
working on a blonde cyborg in lycra, rubber and a red t-shirt but I am
concerned that she may be offended by the new automatic doors that say
"shit" every time they open or close.
>
> Sorry master, it's come loose again, can you pass me the adjustable
> spanner?
Here you are Igor. Hopefully it won't be too long before the cyborg can
tighten your nuts for you.
>
> > > I have since improves the recipie. A bit of tetanus in their final feed
> > > works wonders, and saves a fortune in anthrax marinade.
> >
> > Your culinary creativity knows no bounds.
>
> I have been considering further, and ebola seems to have great culinary
> potential for tenderising the food of those of us with few teeth in thei
> right places, or, in your case, a genetic predisposition to liquid food
> on your mother's side.
It would, Igor, but I suspect it would also lead to a lot of leftover
dessert due to not being able to tell where the syllabub ended and the
jawbone began.
>
> > > There again, thr payload of a lemur is disapointingly small, and they
> > > are rather slow.
> >
> > That is very true but I am reluctant to send anything larger as it would
> > necessitate having to harness the cart to some of the Neat herd and the
> > cart would be returned neatless but waterproof.
>
> Could we not fit them with precautionary itatnium wellington boots to
> protect their extremities from harm?
It is a cunning plan Igor but I fear that the itanium would make the
Neats even more attractive to mad rocket scientists, as well as mildly
radioactive.
>
> > > > Perhaps. I may install one when I sort out your slipped disk.
> > >
> > > Well, Master, it has been some time now, how have things progressed?
> >
> > Alas, not very well Igor. I still need to find a way to prevent the
> > laser from severing your spinal cord.
>
> Is that such a great problem, it does, after all, only support a sash
> counterweight. A bit of wire rope would do equally well.
Unfortunately not my sthenic servant. The sash cord has been adequate in
the past as your spinal fluid has kept it moist and conductive, although
susceptible to rot. A wire rope would merely shortcircuit and rust
horribly. No Igor, I think it is time that you entered the digital age,
after all you do have a surfeit of digits. I think that a fibreoptic
cable is the way to go.
> > > Catpotaoes with an even number of legs are the norm, master, but we know
> > > what liberties thos americans take with breeding. Our cat/tuber hybrids
> > > keep to the time-honoured tradition of having prime numbers of legs,
> > > though the catkohlrabi seems to have trouble with is set. I suspect that
> > > having 2^6972593-1 legs and only three neurons may prove to be an
> > > evolutionary dead-end
> >
> > You may be right Igor, besides, the football crowd has already been
> > invented. I believe you should continue with the fibonaccifennel though.
>
> Of course, master, though I do keep losing count. Not you, of course,
> though I normally call you Baron to avoid such confusion. It never seems
> to amaze me how many titles you aquired that bleak night all those years
> ago. The sudden wealth and power must have gone some way to assuaging
> your grief of the deaths of so many of your close family in such a
> peculiar and unusual way, in such geographically diverse locations, on
> the stroke of midnight that night.
It was a terribly tragic time Igor. It is still a mystery as to why the
inaugural Martinstein Mushroom Festival was so blighted with poisonous
fungi, foundation fatigue, three anonymous presents of sunray lamps and
a wedged fishbone.
>
> > > Well, I see no reason not to enjoy despoing the maidens _and_ the
> > > torches. I think I prefer the torches though, they last longer.
> >
> > They are certainly brighter than some of the village wenches, Igor, and
> > less prone to give you heartsburn.
>
> Indeed so, master. The wenches area also a little, how should I put it,
> 'screamy'.
Have you been going into the village without your paper bag again Igor?
>
> > > Sadly, master, he fled the coop, bribing the Jailer with eggs. Are you
> > > sure you can tell the differnce between X and Y chromosomes using only a
> > > full glass of Stroh as a scrying device?
> >
> > I'm sure it will work, Igor. I suspect that I should give it a go
> > without drinking the Stroh, though.
>
> Always the wisest choice, in my limited experience. Oh great and
> experienced one. There is just the one f you today, is there, master?
Alas yes, Igor. The horizontal hold has gone on the hologaphic
projector. "I" was chatting to the leaders of last week's midnight
procession just outside the castle when it went. I believe that they
thought that I was suffering from bloat before I appeared to vanish
under some paving slabs. At this point they decided to find the secret
passage and follow me...
... That reminds me; the oubliette needs emptying again Igor.
Baron von Martinstein