OT - People Who Need People
Sampatron
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People Who Need People
How do you feel when you need help from someone? Do you ask for it
easily? Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed about asking? Do you ask at
all?
In this newsletter I only write about issues with which I have personal
experience. Asking for help has been one of my larger challenges.
Last summer I took a watercolor workshop with a well-known artist and
teacher whose style was quite different from anything I had experienced.
I experienced much frustration during the three days of the class, and
by the last day I was ready to break my paint brushes and throw away my
palette.
At the end one person said she had had no experience with abstract work
and found this very difficult. In response, the teacher said she wished
that the person would have told her because she would have helped her.
In a misdirected attempt at restoring my self-esteem, I said to myself,
"But she should have made it clear that she welcomed questions."
Shifting responsibility, though, was no solution for me. I had denied
myself the opportunity to learn because I hadn't asked for help.
The Two Sides of Self-Reliance
I was brought up to be self-reliant, and there are many positive aspects
to this way of being. When we choose to look within ourselves for the
answers to problems we go through a level of personal growth which isn't
possible when someone else gives us an answer or solution.
There is a larger picture, though. If we look at nature we see a pattern
of interdependency. Plants need insects in order to pollinate them and
to help to continue the reproduction cycle. Elephants and wolves, among
many animal species, operate as communities. Fish swim in schools, and
Canada geese help each other with every wing flap and honk.
Given the complex world we humans live in, we need each other's help at
least as much as other beings. I am not going to always find the answer
within. Within doesn't tell my why my modem isn't working or how to mail
a package to Indonesia.
And during those times when all that's within is tired old thoughts that
go around and around in my head and solve nothing I need to hear someone
else's thoughts about my issue. And sometimes I just need a friend.
If at any of these times I can't shed the cloak of self-reliance it
becomes no longer a useful way of being, but a straight-jacket.
Why We Don't Want to Need
Often those trained in self-reliance got at the same time the message
that it was wrong to ask for help, that it revealed weakness. If we want
to think of ourselves (and have others think of us) as strong and
independent people, if we feel that this is our best protection against
being vulnerable, we will avoid asking others for help.
Specifically, the identity of self-reliance helps us avoid:
People who think you're stupid if you don't know the answer or just too
lazy to figure it out for yourself
People who get really annoyed and resentful when you ask for help
Those who think that if you ask for emotional support you're needy and
demanding
Those who take advantage of your need by asking a high price for their
assistance."
People who turn you down
Handling the "No"s
I have gotten every one of those responses (and many times). I have also
gone through blaming those people (as with the painting instructor) and
blaming myself. If I were a really good (lovable, attractive, deserving)
person the other person would have been only too delighted to help me
out. Since they weren't I am obviously unworthy, unlovable, and perhaps
not a good person at all. Probably no one will ever want to help me.
I let myself have these feelings, and I keep on asking, not just because
I don't know how to fix that modem or mail that package, but because I
believe in taking risks, because I believe that a special kind of
strength comes from making myself vulnerable. It allows me to get
creative about how I live my life. It teaches me trust.
So that I can keep on growing in this way I have developed some ways of
dealing with rejection.
Steps to Handling Rejection
I find it helpful to realize that someone's annoyance or rejection
didn't instantly plant in me my negative feelings about myself. Those
feelings were lurking all the while, waiting for the opportunity to
point out to me that I have some work to do in the areas of self-esteem
and self-love.
I also realize that I may be interpreting that someone is annoyed, i.e.
that my own expectation that they will be, or my annoyance with myself
for not knowing the answer is coloring what I think is their response.
Even if they give me a clear verbal expression of annoyance I am not
required to agree with their opinion of me.
I decide that "No" just means "No;" it doesn't necessarily mean, "You're
a terrible person, get out of my life."
I ask myself how I respond to requests for help. Am I gracious, always
glad to assist someone? Do I react negatively when someone asks me for
help? Where on the general scale does my response to requests fall? Is
it possible that if I respond positively to the requests of others that
people may respond more positively to my own?
Allow the Gift of Giving
There is one more important thing about making requests of others. In
the deepest sense when you make a request of someone you're giving them
the opportunity to be generous, to contribute to the quality of your
life. In ways large and small, you're allowing them to express love.
And that is a gift you should never prevent anyone from giving you.