my husband left today (update)
Deirdre
>
> Thank you fmily for your kind words of support and compassion. You all are
> such a nice, supportive group of folks. After I posted earlier I went to
> bed and got the most rested undisturbed sleep I've had in months. I still
> feel crummy physically, but tonight I have a sense of peace. I still love
> my husband very much, but we have been arguing a lot lately sometimes until
> the wee hours of morning. It's a relief to know I won't be up all night
> hearing how this dd is ruining my husband's life. Right now I'm alone with
> my dog Mr. Peabody and my two cats and puttering around the house not
> feeling like I have to pretend to be in a good mood and put on a happy face.
>
> Jon (my husband) called and left 3 messages while I was sleeping. He said
> he just needs some time to figure out what we need to do to deal with a wife
> with a chronic illness. He wants to work it out and thinks we need
> counseling as some of you suggested. I have asked him to go to counseling
> with me for a year now, but he thought we could deal alone w/o help. He
> wants to come back in a few days--but I don't know if I want him to come
> back until we have concrete plans on how he and I will approach our
> problems. I don't want him to come back if nothing will change. You all
> are right. I didn't ask for this dd. He knew I was sick when we married
> and he's been a real s**t to me lately. I don't need that while I'm working
> so hard to get better. Stress definitely worsens all fm symptoms. And it
> was real crappy of him to abandon me today of all days. The holidays are
> difficult for me anyway due to years of childhood abuse.
>
> I'm mad as hell at him right now which beats how I felt earlier--ending it.
>
> You guys are great! I haven't been around long in this ng and have not
> responded to other e-mails from some of you that I now will have the peace
> and quiet to get around to doing. I apologize and will try to be better
> about replys.
>
> Thanks everyone and enjoy the holidays!
>
> Warmly,
> Vickie
Thanks for the update, Vickie; and thanks be to the goodness and strength that wraps you in safety.
Deirdre :-)
--
What I give form to in daylight is only one per cent
of what I have seen in darkness.
- M. C. Escher
Starshine Vickie
Laura
Laura Keeper of the Hounds
Jackie P
Just came across your posts now. All I can say is good
for you for hangin in. You're right - you didn't ask for this
damn disease!!!
Take it one day at a time - but do it on YOUR turf. As you
say, have something concrete in place first.
hugs
jackie
Starshine Vickie <vim...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:s68oh7...@corp.supernews.com...
Eatnrun3
Still lighting a candle for you.
Kindly,
Lori
B. of Banjo
BetsyD
I an glad that you are not as devastated as you were. I guess by now you realize
that the problem lies with him, not you. Your illness was not brought on by you,
and you are not trying to wreck things for him. Your life has been turned upside
down by FM, and you have been trying to cope. You need encouragement, not guilt
trips.
You'll have to put yourself first and get as much help as you can. If he will
get counciling with you, it can be a great first step, but I agree that he'll
need to cooperate *before* you can go back and start over. The very best of luck
and keep us posted.
Much love and sympathy,
Betsy
E. Coleen
I have been reading all the responses and the FMily has given you some good
suggestions and thoughts. Please hang in there hun, I know things will work out
for the best. Will continue to send good thoughts and prayers to you.
Coleen
BARBRK
I did not read the other replies so excuse me if I repeat what others have
said.
Right now is a time to concentrate on you. Use all your energies towards
cleaning out the crap that others, including your husband and childhood, have
left inside you. You will have to deal with the stages of loss with your
relationship, as well as the feeling of distrust since Jon walked out. But
first, just devote your energy to physical, mental and spiritual rest. Don't
try to figure out the rest of your life.
Others are thinking of you and wishing you well.
Barb
MizTricia
seems cyberspace ate the (update) post here, could someone quote it, please?
I did get and reply to the original post.
Tricia
Royal Keeper of the Garden, W.H.I.N.E. title
Addy spam blocked, remove .cutthis
MizTricia
>
>I did get and reply to the original post.
>Tricia
Jackie, thanks for the quote to my mail, in reply to this!!
Katroberts
benefits.
Kathy in Sacto
Ereshkigal
servers this time. ;)
kisses,
e
Stinky's caretaker
they aren't so demanding.
~~ Andrea~~
*******************************
May the holidays be all that you want
them to be
ººººººººººººººººººººººººººººººº
Katka3
it together today. On the other hand, we might even feel a twinge of sympathy
for a person that is so insecure with themselves that they can't think of how
to care for their spouse. It's called love them. Period. And ask them" what can
I do to help?" and mean it and follow through. Go to counseling but don't let
him back in the door. Use this time to get Vickie better - you may not want him
back after you get a few counseling sessions. Hope I didn't insult you, I have
seen this before and it makes me mad. You have a whole life ahead of you and a
new year to begin to live it.
Kathi
Official #1 Poster
& Lady of Loud Whining
HRose74
I'm SO sorry for you. Please listen to all the info these wonderful folks have
told you, all I can do is pray for you, send you good energy, & hope that you
realize YOU did nothing wrong. You did all the work & the man is not as good
as you think he is. What a horrible thing to do to you-especially during the
holidays. Please, keep doing the good things you were doing for you-hopefully
the right partner will find you when you least expect it. Please feel free to
email me anytime-night or day-I too struggle with thoughts of leaving life but
I am fortunate for a supportive partner & son. I am thinking of you often
tonight-please feel the healing heart energy.
Kindly,
sadly,
Lori
B. of Banjo
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Katka3
>From: hro...@aol.com (HRose74)
>Date: Sat, 25 December 1999 08:38 PM EST
>Message-id: <19991225203803...@ng-bh1.aol.com>
>
>Oh, Vicki,
>I'm SO sorry for you. Please listen to all the info these wonderful folks
>have
>told you, all I can do is pray for you, send you good energy, & hope that you
>realize YOU did nothing wrong. You did all the work & the man is not as good
>as you think he is. What a horrible thing to do to you-especially during the
>holidays. Please, keep doing the good things you were doing for
>you-hopefully
>the right partner will find you when you least expect it. Please feel free
>to
>email me anytime-night or day-I too struggle with thoughts of leaving life
>but
>I am fortunate for a supportive partner & son. I am thinking of you often
>tonight-please feel the healing heart energy.
>Kindly,
>sadly,
>Lori
>B. of Banjo
>
>
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>
I am totally confused - how did Lori become Heather??
Maureen
When I read your first post all I could think of was how callous Jon was to
pick up sticks during this holiday season. I also thought of what a strain
illness has on any relationship. For me, I think illness bring the opportunity
to show someone I love just how much I love them. (i.e. my Mom and now my Dad
as well as each of my daughters upon ocassion) It stinks that Jon has gotten
to the point that he can't keep going when it isn't him that has the pain to
begin with.
When I read your update I could see that you were feeling more rested and
much healthier in attitude. You sounded so healthy when you figured that you
need to work on the issues before you live together again. This period could
give both you and Jon the opportunity to think about how much each can survive
a new relationship.
My prayers are with you and I hope that you feel good about Vickie before you
worry about Jon. Take care of YOU.
Maureen
"One Day At A Time" M. B. V.
lightlady
i sure know what you're going thru :-( i went thru almost same thing in
sept. george left me, and i moved 1400 miles to "start over"...i don't
reccomend anything that drastic to anyone, it was what i *had* to do..but i
will say, take it one second at a time...remember that Jon is human too,
with all the frailties that humanity brings..time can heal, sometimes it
takes a *lot* of time, but please don't lose "Hope" & "Faith"..and i believe
that everything does happen for a reason, and sometimes by stepping away
from a problem,it allows one to *see* the big picture..i sure hope jon comes
to understand what he needs to do *for you*,that is ,if *you* want him to be
with you..only you know your heart...
george & i are gonna give it another try, he has done a lot of growing
up,and he realises why things went sour..he's been calling me here in NH at
*least* 10 times a week forthe past couple months...but we will be getting
counseling also, cuz there are issues that still need to be dealt with...and
one thing we haven't done is tried to fool ourselves into thinking things
will be the same, or that it will be easy working things out...but we DO
realize that we **still** Love each other *very much*...it also helps that i
have found some releif by using magnets, cuz i'm not angry at the world like
i was when i was in major flare, i've got my selfesteem back...i think that
was georges main problem, he couldn't *fix* me..
and some guys can't handle the fact that they can't fix everything, but that
is something he(jon) must come to terms with..remember, it's *not* Your
fault,never has been ,never will be,it's is one of the worst side effects of
this DD...
if you ever need a shoulder, an ear(eye) please,drop a
line...((((((((((((((vickie))))))))))))
--
TTFN :-)
lynn aka "Lady of the Lamps""
"Imagination is more important than Knowledge" Albert Einstein
ICQ#33828947
http://planetall.homestead.com/lightlady/home.html
Starshine Vickie wrote in message ...
Angel
wrote:
>Dear Vickie,
>I an glad that you are not as devastated as you were. I guess by now you realize
>that the problem lies with him, not you....
Wise advice, as always, from our Betsy. Will be thinking of you,
Vickie, and hoping that the days ahead are filled with hope and peace
for you. God bless.
_
Angel
http://www.homestead.com/a_n_g_e_l/atde.html
As This Day Ends Web Page
"Tough times don't last;
Tough people do."
Fran
come back until we have concrete plans on how he and I will approach our
problems. I don't want him to come back if nothing will change.>
Vickie, you have made a very wise decision. And a very difficult one. I
hope that you will have a happier new year!--fran
Dingaling Debbie
and wishing you the best.
--
dingaling deb
Starshine Vickie <vim...@hotmail.com> wrote in article
<s68oh7...@corp.supernews.com>...
Lane Browning
lightlady wrote in message <845ikn$dchr$2...@fu-berlin.de>...
>{{{{{{{{{{{{vickie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
>
>i sure know what you're going thru :-( i went thru almost same thing in
>sept. george left me, and i moved 1400 miles to "start over"...i don't
>reccomend anything that drastic to anyone, it was what i *had* to do..but i
>will say, take it one second at a time...remember that Jon is human too,
>with all the frailties that humanity brings.
I'm glad someone pointed this out. I am sympathetic (very) to Vickie, but I
also
know that lots of people can't help what they are....I confess that I would
not cope well if
my partner had a debilitating illness. I don't deal well with infirmity in
myself OR others, but I can't
abandon myself....yet I think I really might abandon my sweetie if he became
incapacitated. That
sounds callous, I'm sure. The odd thing is he has said he wouldn't blame me
and would invite me to go
(Chris Reeve invited Dana to go also; would everyone have crucified her if
she had? I think she is doing
a wonderful thing, but it was a choice for herself and would not have been
the right choice for everyone).
Then too, I've never promised anyone "to death do us part" or any such
gunk....I go a day at a time (and so far it's working, decade upon decade)/
.time can heal, sometimes it
>
>george & i are gonna give it another try, he has done a lot of growing
>up,and he realises why things went sour..he's been calling me here in NH at
>*least* 10 times a week forthe past couple months...but we will be getting
>counseling also, cuz there are issues that still need to be dealt
with...and
>one thing we haven't done is tried to fool ourselves into thinking things
>will be the same, or that it will be easy working things out...but we DO
>realize that we **still** Love each other *very much*...it also helps that
i
>have found some releif by using magnets, cuz i'm not angry at the world
like
>i was when i was in major flare, i've got my selfesteem back...i think that
>was georges main problem, he couldn't *fix* me..
This is great! And you're right; it is very VERY difficult being the
"watcher" when someone is
so ill. I know I would much rather be the sick one than the helpless
bystander. I would!!!
Absolutely.
>>with me for a year now, but he thought we could deal alone w/o help. He
>>wants to come back in a few days--but I don't know if I want him to come
>>back until we have concrete plans on how he and I will approach our
Audandald
It sounds like there's hope for your marriage. Your husband is like a lot of
men (they don't deal well with this kind of thing). It sounds like he still
has love in his heart for you so I hope you'll be open to communicate (without
anger if possible).
Counselling is a good idea. A lot of men don't want to go to counselling for
themselves or with their wives to improve their marriage but if he is willing
now; please give it a chance.
I wish you the best. Try and put yourself in his shoes (of you being well and
having to cope on a daily basis with your husbands "invisible" disease). It
isn't easy for family members. We LOOK okay. I'm sure they believe we're
trying to get sympathy lots of the times. They have no idea what living with
pain and no energy is like. Mine have only a vague idea of what I go through
on a daily basis. I get little support if any.
I wish you the best.
Audrey
Ereshkigal
hide it from him. He watched me go from doing pretty dang well when I moved
in to not being able to work a few months ago. And when it hit that point,
he split for a few months, which is a big part of why I was back in Indiana.
But he was always my friend and helped to support me. Now that I'm back
again, I still don't hide it from him. I ask him sometimes how he feels
about it. If he thinks I'm faking it somedays, or playing it up. Sometimes
he says he thinks I do sometimes and other times he says he doesn't feel that
I am. But, he's being honest about it. And I try not to get upset when he
says that he does feel I'm hamming it up so that he feels safe in telling me
when he does feel that way.
I validate what he says; he validates what I feel. It's not all peaches and
cream, but it works. And he keeps me from feeling too sorry for myself.
kisses,
e