HUM: from sue
Kevin and Sue Mullen
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,
but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without
doing any productive work or contributing anything to society,
my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"
***
Born and raised in a large city, I decided to move to a small
town in New England for a change from "life in the fast lane."
I didn't realize just how laid-back the rural life could be,
however, until I heard my first weather forecast on a local
television station.
There were no maps or satellite pictures to explain weather
patterns. Instead, the forecaster, a kindly older man, cheer-
fully predicted, "Well, it's rain, rain and more rain! Just
how much? Your guess is as good as mine. Good-night, folks."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why it was
me, instead of the tooth fairy, putting the money under her
pillow--but her next words let me off the hook.
"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth
fairy left that for me!"
*------------------------------------------------------*
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across
the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined,
they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the
street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash,
so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside
the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw,
walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of
the tailpipe.
____________________________________________________________
Kevin and Sue Mullen
> since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he
> used most. -- George R. Kirkpatrick
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting
> around talking about their aches and pains.
>
> "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
>
> "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
> coffee," replied another.
>
> "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
> third.
>
> "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
>
> "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
>
> Then there was a short moment of silence.
>
> "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
Kevin and Sue Mullen
--Voltaire
------------------------------------------------------------
In 1938, who was the first to perform "God Bless America" on
her regular radio broadcast. The song had been written for
her by Irving Berlin?
+----- Answer At The End -----+
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANSWER:
In 1938, Kate Smith first performed "God Bless America" on
her regular radio broadcast. The song had been written for
her by Irving Berlin.
Bethany Wilson
> the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw,
> walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of
> the tailpipe.
>
I had to ask my husband about this one, but after he explained it...
ROTBLOL!!!!!!!
Meir Weiss
Just have an overwhelming need to explain
What is cut off is the foreskin
Ok?
:)
Kevin and Sue Mullen
I though of puting in an explaination, but thought better of it(grin).
Sue
Kevin and Sue Mullen
>
> I am not insulted in the least
>
> Just have an overwhelming need to explain
>
> What is cut off is the foreskin
>
> Ok?
>
I am glad to hear that. I just thought it was to good not to pass on,
but I did think twice.
Sue
Charlie
"I had to ask my husband about this one, but after he explained it..."
I think it is quite refreshing that ......seasoned warriors...... like us
can still miss the obvious sometimes.
I even try to get away with the odd blush but the frantic rubbing of my
cheeks gives it away. (;-)
--
Charlie
Please ignore spelling errors, I did. (;-)
"Bethany Wilson" <bwi...@oregonfast.net> wrote in message
news:00f601c289e3$9f97c360$742c7c41@b9pm201...
Jane Fisher
> I am not insulted in the least
> Just have an overwhelming need to explain
> What is cut off is the foreskin
> Ok?
Sue replied: I am glad to hear that. I just thought it was to good not to pass on,
but I did think twice.
Good one, Meir!!! LOL
And, hey Sue, you're glad to hear *what*??? That it's just the foreskin...???!!! ;>
Thanks, Meir and Sue...really needed a laugh this morning...awake since 2 AM with worries about my mother's day-to-day living situation and cancer treatment. Haven't been able to read jokes lately and was paging through them in the digest to look for MED posts when I noticed ya'll's comments. Had to read the joke then. I found ya'll's comments much funnier!!! :>
Thanks for the boost,
JaneGet more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
Kevin and Sue Mullen
> And, hey Sue, you're glad to hear *what*??? That it's just the foreskin...???!!!
You caught me "brain-fogged"(grin).
Sue
Jeremy C B Nicoll
Meir Weiss <i.w...@sympatico.ca> wrote:
> What is cut off is the foreskin
> Ok?
Hardly - it sounds terrible to me.
--
Jeremy C B Nicoll - my opinions are my own.
Kevin and Sue Mullen
Congratulations on the new boob job!
I thought you would never grow out of that training bra
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. BIG TROUBLE
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents
knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were
probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly. "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped
open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging
open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for air, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. STICK IT OUT
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to
the principal's office, where he could phone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.
After a few minutes, the boy returned to the classroom, where he sat
down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room.
The teacher went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your
mom!" she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Kevin and Sue Mullen
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it.
Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SAM: "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass
of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night
before, my husband planned to come home from the office
before leaving. That afternoon he called to say the meeting
had been canceled and on the spur of the moment we decided
to spend a romantic, child-free night in a hotel.
I quickly repacked his suitcase, replacing his belongings
with two wine glasses, candlesticks and candles and some
bubble bath. Then I dashed out to buy a bottle of wine.
When I returned, the bag was gone. A note on the kitchen
table read: "Sorry, hon, the business trip's on after all.
I'll call you when I get there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man gave his son a scolding so the boy decided to run away.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank
and announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father decided to handle the matter calmly. "What if you
get hungry?" he said.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" the boy said bravely.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I'll come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get
dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let Mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head, "Are you running away from home or
are you going off to college?"
*--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows
him into the living room. She excuses herself to go fix them
a couple drinks. As he's standing there he notices a cute
little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beat red and says, "Gee, oh...I'm sorry...I..."
She continues, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to
get an ashtray."
Jane Fisher
>
> You caught me "brain-fogged"(grin).
Yep, I'll just bet! Fogged up like car windows at a drive-in movie, huh?
--Jane ;>
Kevin and Sue Mullen
A First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher
asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you
can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he
did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the
blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks
Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they
threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like
blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard
and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
Kevin and Sue Mullen
> A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say
> Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty
> bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.
>
> "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that
> I've blessed all this stuff before."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "I want to die before my wife. The reason is: If it is true
> that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't
> want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things."
> --Bill Cosby
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they
> went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
> the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto
> women's panties."
>
> The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as
> unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
>
> The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter,"
> he replied.
>
> Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave
> the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he
> was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his
> friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
>
> The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and
> diesel fitters are skilled labor."
>
> "What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic
> and he pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."
Kevin and Sue Mullen
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches
the driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over
the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost
had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of
me. I swerved to the left, and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right, and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is for Jeremy(grin).
3. BREAKDOWN
There was a man in a terrible hurry trying to get his semi truck on
time at the Bronx Zoo in New York, because it was full of penguins,
and he didn't want the ice to melt.
On his way, the truck broke down. Fortunately, another semi driver
saw the man and pulled over to see if he could help. The first driver
told him how his semi broke down and that he was in a hurry to get the
penguins to the zoo. The second drive, seeing his distress, told him
he'd take the penguins to the zoo for him, since his semi was not
broken.
After the man had his semi fixed, he drove down to the zoo to make
sure the penguins made it there safely.
On his way in, he saw the man that stopped to help him leave the zoo
with the penguins marching behind him. He stopped the man and asked
"What are you doing with the penguins?"
The man replied "Well, I took them to the zoo, and now I'm going to
take them to the movies!"
Kevin and Sue Mullen
> held at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. Nearly a thousand
> of Picasso's works were displayed in chronological order, beginning
> when he was a very young boy. The early works were traditional
> landscapes and still-life's. Then, as the artist advanced in age,
> brilliant colors began to emerge, and the still-life's were no longer
> very still. Finally, of course, the works turned into the kind of
> bold, zesty abstractions for which Picasso is best known.
>
> One art critic who saw the show recalled that once, when Picasso was
> eighty-five, he was asked the reason why his earlier works were so
> solemn and his later works so ecstatic and exciting.
>
> "How do you explain it?" asked the interviewer.
>
> "Easily," Picasso responded. "It takes a long time to become young!"
Kevin and Sue Mullen
> G. K. Chesterton
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a Lavatory
> cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section:
> Floors, sweeping offices) After the test, the manager says: You will
> be paid $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can
> send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work
> on your first day.
>
> Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in
> possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS
> manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually
> don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
>
> Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having
> about $10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes at the
> supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly
> at 100% profit.
>
> Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with
> almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on
> the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
>
> Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and
> later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.
>
> Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several
> dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly
> afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is
> the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several
> hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
>
> Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy
> some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an
> insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the
> telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address
> in order that he might forward the documentation.
>
> When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned:
> What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to
> amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just
> imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected
> from the very start!
>
> After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: Sure! I
> would have been a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft!
>
> Morals of the story:
> The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
>
> Get e-mail, if you want to be a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft.
>
> If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still
> become a millionaire.
>
> Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably
> closer to becoming a lavatory cleaner than you are to
> becoming a millionaire.
>
> If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already
> being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
>
Kevin and Sue Mullen
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the
return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How
are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on
the door and says, "Ticket, please."
bobbie sellers
KM>> I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you
KM>> clean. --
KM>> G. K. Chesterton
One must agree wholeheartedly.
----------------------------------------------------------------
KM>> An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as
KM>> a Lavatory
KM>> cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test
KM>> (Section:
KM>> Floors, sweeping offices) After the test, the manager
KM>> says: You will
KM>> be paid $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so
KM>> that I can
KM>> send you a form to complete and advise you where to
KM>> report for work
KM>> on your first day.
KM>> Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is
KM>> neither in
KM>> possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To
KM>> this the MS
KM>> manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you
KM>> virtually
KM>> don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be
KM>> employed.
KM>> Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
KM>> only having
KM>> about $10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes at
KM>> the
KM>> supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the
KM>> tomatoes singly
KM>> at 100% profit.
KM>> Repeating the process several times more that day, he
KM>> ends up with
KM>> almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it
KM>> dawns on
KM>> the man that he could quite easily make a living selling
KM>> tomatoes.
KM>> Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed
KM>> later and
KM>> later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a
KM>> short time.
KM>> Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport
KM>> several
KM>> dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in
KM>> again shortly
KM>> afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first
KM>> year, he is
KM>> the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a
KM>> staff of several
KM>> hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
KM>> Considering the future of his wife and children, he
KM>> decides to buy
KM>> some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he
KM>> picks an
KM>> insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end
KM>> of the
KM>> telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his
KM>> e-mail address
KM>> in order that he might forward the documentation.
KM>> When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser
KM>> is stunned:
KM>> What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you
KM>> managed to
KM>> amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and
KM>> e-commerce? Just
KM>> imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been
KM>> connected
KM>> from the very start!
KM>> After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied:
KM>> Sure! I
KM>> would have been a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft!
KM>> Morals of the story:
KM>> The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule
KM>> your life.
KM>> Get e-mail, if you want to be a lavatory cleaner at
KM>> Microsoft.
KM>> If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still
KM>> become a millionaire.
KM>> Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're
KM>> probably
KM>> closer to becoming a lavatory cleaner than you are to
KM>> becoming a millionaire.
KM>> If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already
KM>> being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Well you sent this and may have a computer and e-mail that
permit you to be taken to the cleaners by Microsoft but other
firms take others with different systems to the cleaners.
Some cleaners though don't charge nearly as much as Ms.
later
bliss
--
bobbie sellers - a very tired & retired ex-nurse in San Francisco
bliss at california dot com
The Rule of Fives states that all things happen in fives, or are
divisible by or are multiples of five, or are somehow directly or
indirectly related to five. The Rule of Fives is never wrong.
/ Well hardly ever!/
Jeremy C B Nicoll
Kevin and Sue Mullen <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote:
> This one is for Jeremy(grin).
Arc Arc Arcitty-Arc!
translation: "Thank you very much!"
Kevin and Sue Mullen
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a
patrolman signals a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver
asks why he has been stopped, the officer points to the big dog
sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the
driving."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU NEVER CAME UP
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the
breasts of a 25-year-old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old
a**?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin and Sue Mullen
to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The
representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair
and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and
impaired vision.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that
everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when
she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car?"
------------------------------------------------------------
As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter
Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to
see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little
Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up
the street.
As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison
and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is
cold. You should have a hat on."
My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You
owe me ten bucks."
Kevin and Sue Mullen
WHAT THEY MEAN)
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still
guessing at this point).
2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee
together).
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We
just hired three punk kids out of school).
4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK, but looks very
hi-tech)!
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind
schedule, that the customer will take anything).
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing
blew up when we threw the switch).
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it
actually worked)!
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who
understood the thing quit).
9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the
situation is completely hopeless).
10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems
already).
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for
this).
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you
have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already
done or with what we are going to do).
Kevin and Sue Mullen
> is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
> about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
>
> The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the
> dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
>
> One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
> We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've
> decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to
> keep the dog."
>
> Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
> having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a
> ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's
> a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never
> told a lie."
>
> There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
> beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave
> a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin and Sue Mullen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
> "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a
> powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
>
> As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
> behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging
> towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over
> his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even
> faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over
> his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was
> pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and
> fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the
> bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and
> raising his right paw to strike him.
>
> At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
>
> Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever
> so silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray of light
> emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful voice spoke
> to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you
> teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic
> accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I
> to count you now as a believer?"
>
> The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be
> hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years,
> but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"
>
> "Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared.
> All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again.
> The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.
>
> The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws
> together, bowed his head and graciously spoke: "Lord, for this food
> which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Joan Landsberg
the list?
Joan
Kevin and Sue Mullen
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they
used to be," remorsed the patient.
(Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
(Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had
over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one. (Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked "So how
was your breakfast this morning?" "It was very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled, "KY Jelly." (Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young
woman with Purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a
tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery
was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the
lawn."
Kevin and Sue Mullen
>
> A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of
> wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown
> down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast
> enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees
> what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and
> then returns it to the Rabbi.
>
> "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat,"
> said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then
> places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May
> G~d bless you."
>
> The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by
> the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the
> Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse
> named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough
> the horse comes in first.
>
> In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30
> to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
> Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife.
> When she asks him where he's been, he explains how
> he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and
> then went to the track and started winning on horses
> that had a hat in their names.
>
> "So where's the money?" she asks.
>
> "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named
> Chateau and it lost."
>
> "You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"
>
> "It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some
> Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
Kevin and Sue Mullen
VERSUS WHAT THEY MEAN)
1. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull).
2. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up
again).
3. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design).
4. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment).
5. Robust! (Rugged, but more so).
6. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged).
7. Years of development. (One finally worked).
8. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off).
9. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix).
10. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix).
11. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down).
12. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always
done it)!
13. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for
days).
Kevin and Sue Mullen
ment but was told customers were taken on a walk-in basis
only. On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m and there were
already ten people waiting. I drove to another salon, but
it was booked solid. Still another had no openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband
greeted me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully.
"Your hair looks great!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, we had a tornado drill. We're underneath a parking
garage and there's a PA announcement "This is a tornado drill.
Please move quickly away from all windows."
Somebody yelled out: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"
____________________________________________________________
Kevin and Sue Mullen
What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?"
"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said.
"Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like
that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over
everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have
gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat
with. He could fix
anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood
blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said.
"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.
"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow," replied the cabby.
Kevin and Sue Mullen
stacks contain all real gold coins, and one of the stacks is made up
entirely of fake gold coins. Each real gold coin weighs exactly 1
gram, while each fake gold coin weighs exactly 1.1 grams. Using a
scale, how can you determine the stack of fake coins?
RULES: You can use the scale to take only one measurement. For
example, stack what you want on the scale, press a button, and get a
readout of the weight. You can do this only once, and once the
readout is displayed it does not change if you remove any coins. You
can mix the coins up in their stacks, separate them, mark them,
whatever. How do you find out for sure which stack contains the fake
gold coins?
(answer at bottom )
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
LUCKY SAUCER
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a very rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's
not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild,
but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten
dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said
the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer.
>From that saucer. So far this week I've sold 12 cats."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A KISS A YARD
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl said,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out with a
smile.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa pays the bills," she smiled and winked
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANSWER: On the scale, place one coin from the first stack, two from
the second stack, three from the third stack, and so on up to ten.
Press the button to get the readout of the total weight. The number
in the decimal place of the scale readout tells you how many of the
fake coins are on the scale, and also which of your stacks contained
the fake coins.