Lovelorn

[wil...@ix.netcom.com]

After my blue spell of Sunday afternoon, once that the rain had
gone and now that I had talked out my feelings in my earlier
journal entry, I began to sense again with great relief that
I was free of Z.

In high spirits, then, Monday afternoon I found myself walking
along the highway, enjoying the fresh air on my way over to
"G's 4 >0", a popular restaurant near where I live. Two
fortunate people I count among my good friends had invited
me to join them along with some others in a small celebration.

Once inside the busy, cavernous inn, I found my friends
in one of the reservation only rooms. The ambiance was
cozy, the room glowing from the crackling fire in the
fireplace.

Everyone seemed especially joyful and totally carefree.
Each person greeted me warmly.

Although I felt happiness for the couple on this aniversary
of their engagement, I had another reason, a secret one, for
being nearly ecstatic myself.

After all, I had taken a big step toward breaking Z's grip
on my emotions, banishing her to the back of my thoughts
(a location not unlike the one where I suspected she had
already placed me in her own mind).

Further, something else about the party was perfect. No one
in the group had ever met Z. There was little chance of
painful memories being revived by well-meaning questions.

The celebration indeed proved delightful. Everyone present
seemed to be in an expansive, chatty mood.

When it neared sundown, though, I decided I would benefit
from a walk home along the beach, viewing the changing
sky as I strolled.

Begging off for the duration of the party, which was scheduled
to last a couple of more hours, I made my friendly farewells.

Once outside, I walked nearer the water until the sand was
wet beneath my feet. The air was as fresh as it gets, though.
I wasn't in a mood for worrying about my shoes.

Over the water the fiery ball was dropping low; I could see
that the setting of the sun would be exquisite. (Are all
people disappointed in love connoisseurs of sunsets?)

As I had anticipated, because of the rain the previous day,
the sky began to take on a fascinating aspect.

A pale blue hazy ribbon steaked along the horizon where the
air was clear. Above that wide horizontal strip the clouds
swirled in vivid shifting hues of orange, purple, and azure.

I felt better than I ever had...since Z walked out.

Stopping from my walk, I decided to face the ocean directly,
drinking in the sunset.

On the my right a few feet away, a man and a woman were standing
on the sand, holding hands in appreciation of the enchanting
seascape. They made a perfect, devoted (I somehow needed to
believe) pair for this propitious moment.

I did not want to stare at them. As I glanced back toward the
ocean, though, a twinge of apprehension tugged at an uneasy
consciousness.

My eyes widened. Feeling faint, I moved my hand over my
heart.

The clouds mocked me for the lie I had been living the past
twenty-four hours!

Formed in the brilliant, restless air with the precision
of a master painter, two large and knowing eyes watched me
without emotion from high over the water--eyes as clear and
profound as on that day in the G. Museum we found ourselves
standing in front of the Moreau painting. Then Z., glancing
away from the picture, stared into my soul.

Below those eyes in the gigantic landscape, a chisled nose
with distinctly recognizeable character materialized as real
as yesterday.

Lower still toward the water, a mouth--with a faint enigmatic
smile poised on full lips--appeared as ineluctably as did her
memory.

These familiar features and others completed the face etched
perfectly in the nebulous tapestry of the sunset...towering
beyond my reach...dominating the sky...

You said it was time for you to move on in your life, that
you needed more freedom for exploring new avenues.

CONFESS, SORCERESS!

Was the path you walked away from me on paved with magic?
Black arts which you now use to torment me by making your
lovely calm face materialize immense above the seascape,
ruling majestically over the cold, dark shimmering waves,
troubling my gaze, obliterating all hope of forgetting you?

-----------------------------------------
copyright Bill Palmer
alt.genius.bill-palmer

P.S. "Lovelorn" represents a fragment from a journal I
was keeping about three years back. I was posting entries
from it from time to time as a sort of therapy. This entry
was originally posted in alt.romance and some other groups
on March 8, 1995.