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sdhingra
Apr 30, 2012, 2:04:01 AM4/30/12
to
Folks,
I have been reading excellent discussion and superb poetry posted in
this group for the past year or so ... and have enjoyed immensely.
Although, I have been writing since childhood, I don't think I am good.
That is the reason I was never confident of posting in a group of such
"gurus" of urdu poetry.
My first attempt here with two lines that I wrote few days back.
Although, thought and state of mind is important, my focus was really
the word play.
If you guys like it .. I will post more ..
Be kind :-)
--Sandeep
अनगिनत रातों में, आँखों के आसमानों से
बरसात बीती बातों की, बरस बरस बरसी है
--संदीप
Anginat raatoN meiN, aaNkhoN ke aasmaano se
Barsaat beeti baatoN ki, baras baras barsi hai
--Sandeep
I have been reading excellent discussion and superb poetry posted in
this group for the past year or so ... and have enjoyed immensely.
Although, I have been writing since childhood, I don't think I am good.
That is the reason I was never confident of posting in a group of such
"gurus" of urdu poetry.
My first attempt here with two lines that I wrote few days back.
Although, thought and state of mind is important, my focus was really
the word play.
If you guys like it .. I will post more ..
Be kind :-)
--Sandeep
अनगिनत रातों में, आँखों के आसमानों से
बरसात बीती बातों की, बरस बरस बरसी है
--संदीप
Anginat raatoN meiN, aaNkhoN ke aasmaano se
Barsaat beeti baatoN ki, baras baras barsi hai
--Sandeep
Vijay
Apr 30, 2012, 2:12:01 PM4/30/12
to
of your couplet. You can leave at that and be happy at your very good
creation. However, if you want to call it a she'r, possibly one of a
potential ghazal, then I am afraid you will have to get it into meter.
I am sure Faani sahib or BGM sahib, from the current crowd of ALUPERs,
will come to your aid. Let me offer an alternative version which is
purely for the purposes of meter, so that you know where I am coming
from and perhaps can try using your own words to fit the template:
beshumaar raatoN meN, bhiigii bhiigii aanKhoN se
biitii baatoN kii baarish, baras baras barsii hai
In the second line, the ending of 'biitii' is compressed to get it
into meter. I am not sure whether 'baras baras' takes it out of meter
or not but hopefully, Faani sahib will comment.
I like the takraar of 'baras baras' and even 'bhiigii bhiigii'. Plus
the abundence of 'b' words makes it very attractive.
Please keep posting.
Best regards,
Vijay
v
Apr 30, 2012, 9:56:55 PM4/30/12
to
your comment about baras baras and bheegi bheegi and the abundance of b words reminds me of a naushad comment when naqsh lyallpuri shared his matlaa
mumtaaz tujhe dekha jab tajmahal dekha
phir aaj ki aankho.n se, beetaa huaa kal dekhaa
naushad said i wonder how you are going to develop this further as there are so many dekha's.
is it good or bad in poetry to have the same word repeated more than twice (in a couplet)?
mumtaaz tujhe dekha jab tajmahal dekha
phir aaj ki aankho.n se, beetaa huaa kal dekhaa
naushad said i wonder how you are going to develop this further as there are so many dekha's.
is it good or bad in poetry to have the same word repeated more than twice (in a couplet)?
sdhingra
Apr 30, 2012, 10:37:32 PM4/30/12
to
Thanks Vijay sahib for encouragement and analysis and thanks "V" sahib
for comments and interesting question.
I think repetition is good as long as it adds beauty to the content. It
must be like jewelry - not too much in quantity, just add the required
glitter to illuminate the poem and should not be forced or jaded.
In my subconscious mind.. I wanted to have repetition of "b" in the
second line balanced with "Aa" in the first ... also hoping to add a
fresh expression -"AankhoN ke AasmaanoN se" ..
To make the point ..here is another one of mine in which I think, I
actually "forced" a bit of repetition .. :-)
बेक़रारी ने बेहिसाब सताया है मुझे ,
उसने फ़िर अपने तस्सव्वुर में बुलाया है मुझे
बेरुखी मुझसे बेवजह ही है शायद
मेरे रकीबों ने फिर ये समझाया है मुझे
बेबसी मेरी बेसबब नहीं है यारो
उन्हीं नज़रों ने फिर बेबस सा बनाया है मुझे
बेज़ारी हो बेवफाई ज़ुरूरी तो नहीं
इसी उम्मीद ने फिर से बहलाया है मुझे
बेताबी है, बेचैनी है और बेसब्री भी
तेरे ख्याल ने यूं तेरा बीमार बनाया है मुझे
Of course , I don't understand "meter" much and hence I am sure it is
not in "meter" as well.
--Sandeep
for comments and interesting question.
I think repetition is good as long as it adds beauty to the content. It
must be like jewelry - not too much in quantity, just add the required
glitter to illuminate the poem and should not be forced or jaded.
In my subconscious mind.. I wanted to have repetition of "b" in the
second line balanced with "Aa" in the first ... also hoping to add a
fresh expression -"AankhoN ke AasmaanoN se" ..
To make the point ..here is another one of mine in which I think, I
actually "forced" a bit of repetition .. :-)
बेक़रारी ने बेहिसाब सताया है मुझे ,
उसने फ़िर अपने तस्सव्वुर में बुलाया है मुझे
बेरुखी मुझसे बेवजह ही है शायद
मेरे रकीबों ने फिर ये समझाया है मुझे
बेबसी मेरी बेसबब नहीं है यारो
उन्हीं नज़रों ने फिर बेबस सा बनाया है मुझे
बेज़ारी हो बेवफाई ज़ुरूरी तो नहीं
इसी उम्मीद ने फिर से बहलाया है मुझे
बेताबी है, बेचैनी है और बेसब्री भी
तेरे ख्याल ने यूं तेरा बीमार बनाया है मुझे
Of course , I don't understand "meter" much and hence I am sure it is
not in "meter" as well.
--Sandeep
sdhingra
Apr 30, 2012, 10:40:11 PM4/30/12
to
Thanks Vijay sahib for encouragement and analysis and thanks "V" sahib
for comments and interesting question.
I think repetition is good as long as it adds beauty to the content. It
must be like jewelry - not too much in quantity, just add the required
glitter to illuminate the poem and should not be forced or jaded.
In my subconscious mind.. I wanted to have repetition of "b" in the
second line balanced with "Aa" in the first ... also hoping to add a
fresh expression -"AankhoN ke AasmaanoN se" ..
To make the point ..here is another one of mine in which I think, I
actually "forced" a bit of repetition .. :-)
बेक़रारी ने बेहिसाब सताया है मुझे ,
उसने फ़िर अपने तस्सव्वुर में बुलाया है मुझे
बेरुखी मुझसे बेवजह ही है शायद
मेरे रकीबों ने फिर ये समझाया है मुझे
बेबसी मेरी बेसबब नहीं है यारो
उन्हीं नज़रों ने फिर बेबस सा बनाया है मुझे
बेज़ारी हो बेवफाई ज़ुरूरी तो नहीं
इसी उम्मीद ने फिर से बहलाया है मुझे
बेताबी है, बेचैनी है और बेसब्री भी
तेरे ख्याल ने यूं तेरा बीमार बनाया है मुझे
Of course , I don't understand "meter" much and hence I am sure it is
not in "meter" as well.
--Sandeep
On 4/30/12 6:56 PM, v wrote:
for comments and interesting question.
I think repetition is good as long as it adds beauty to the content. It
must be like jewelry - not too much in quantity, just add the required
glitter to illuminate the poem and should not be forced or jaded.
In my subconscious mind.. I wanted to have repetition of "b" in the
second line balanced with "Aa" in the first ... also hoping to add a
fresh expression -"AankhoN ke AasmaanoN se" ..
To make the point ..here is another one of mine in which I think, I
actually "forced" a bit of repetition .. :-)
बेक़रारी ने बेहिसाब सताया है मुझे ,
उसने फ़िर अपने तस्सव्वुर में बुलाया है मुझे
बेरुखी मुझसे बेवजह ही है शायद
मेरे रकीबों ने फिर ये समझाया है मुझे
बेबसी मेरी बेसबब नहीं है यारो
उन्हीं नज़रों ने फिर बेबस सा बनाया है मुझे
बेज़ारी हो बेवफाई ज़ुरूरी तो नहीं
इसी उम्मीद ने फिर से बहलाया है मुझे
बेताबी है, बेचैनी है और बेसब्री भी
तेरे ख्याल ने यूं तेरा बीमार बनाया है मुझे
Of course , I don't understand "meter" much and hence I am sure it is
not in "meter" as well.
--Sandeep
On 4/30/12 6:56 PM, v wrote:
sdhingra
Apr 30, 2012, 10:54:27 PM4/30/12
to
Thanks Vijay sahib for encouragement and analysis and thanks "V" sahib
for comments and interesting question.
I think repetition is good as long as it adds beauty to the content. It
must be like jewelry - not too much in quantity, just add the required
glitter to illuminate the poem and should not be forced or jaded.
In my subconscious mind.. I wanted to have repetition of "b" in the
second line balanced with "Aa" in the first ... also hoping to add a
fresh expression -"AankhoN ke AasmaanoN se" ..
To make the point ..here is another one of mine in which I think, I
actually "forced" a bit of repetition .. :-)
बेक़रारी ने बेहिसाब सताया है मुझे ,
उसने फ़िर अपने तस्सव्वुर में बुलाया है मुझे
बेरुखी मुझसे बेवजह ही है शायद
मेरे रकीबों ने फिर ये समझाया है मुझे
बेबसी मेरी बेसबब नहीं है यारो
उन्हीं नज़रों ने फिर बेबस सा बनाया है मुझे
बेज़ारी हो बेवफाई ज़ुरूरी तो नहीं
इसी उम्मीद ने फिर से बहलाया है मुझे
बेताबी है, बेचैनी है और बेसब्री भी
तेरे ख्याल ने यूं तेरा बीमार बनाया है मुझे
Of course , I don't understand "meter" much and hence I am sure it is
not in "meter" as well.
--Sandeep
On 4/30/12 6:56 PM, v wrote:
for comments and interesting question.
I think repetition is good as long as it adds beauty to the content. It
must be like jewelry - not too much in quantity, just add the required
glitter to illuminate the poem and should not be forced or jaded.
In my subconscious mind.. I wanted to have repetition of "b" in the
second line balanced with "Aa" in the first ... also hoping to add a
fresh expression -"AankhoN ke AasmaanoN se" ..
To make the point ..here is another one of mine in which I think, I
actually "forced" a bit of repetition .. :-)
बेक़रारी ने बेहिसाब सताया है मुझे ,
उसने फ़िर अपने तस्सव्वुर में बुलाया है मुझे
बेरुखी मुझसे बेवजह ही है शायद
मेरे रकीबों ने फिर ये समझाया है मुझे
बेबसी मेरी बेसबब नहीं है यारो
उन्हीं नज़रों ने फिर बेबस सा बनाया है मुझे
बेज़ारी हो बेवफाई ज़ुरूरी तो नहीं
इसी उम्मीद ने फिर से बहलाया है मुझे
बेताबी है, बेचैनी है और बेसब्री भी
तेरे ख्याल ने यूं तेरा बीमार बनाया है मुझे
Of course , I don't understand "meter" much and hence I am sure it is
not in "meter" as well.
--Sandeep
On 4/30/12 6:56 PM, v wrote:
Vijay
May 1, 2012, 12:10:57 PM5/1/12
to
On May 1, 2:56 am, v <kumar.vr...@gmail.com> wrote:
> your comment about baras baras and bheegi bheegi and the abundance of b words reminds me of a naushad comment when naqsh lyallpuri shared his matlaa
>
> mumtaaz tujhe dekha jab tajmahal dekha
> phir aaj ki aankho.n se, beetaa huaa kal dekhaa
>
> naushad said i wonder how you are going to develop this further as there are so many dekha's.
>
> is it good or bad in poetry to have the same word repeated more than twice (in a couplet)?
>
>
It depends. Such repetition is called 'takraar-e-lafzi' and has been
> your comment about baras baras and bheegi bheegi and the abundance of b words reminds me of a naushad comment when naqsh lyallpuri shared his matlaa
>
> mumtaaz tujhe dekha jab tajmahal dekha
> phir aaj ki aankho.n se, beetaa huaa kal dekhaa
>
> naushad said i wonder how you are going to develop this further as there are so many dekha's.
>
> is it good or bad in poetry to have the same word repeated more than twice (in a couplet)?
>
>
discussed here before:
https://groups.google.com/group/alt.language.urdu.poetry/browse_frm/thread/7503b624bfc071bd/8e7f987918d3abd1?hl=en&lnk=gst&q=lafzon+ki+takraar#8e7f987918d3abd1
Sincerely,
Vijay
Vijay
May 1, 2012, 12:15:01 PM5/1/12
to
On May 1, 5:10 pm, Vijay <guz...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> On May 1, 2:56 am, v <kumar.vr...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > your comment about baras baras and bheegi bheegi and the abundance of b words reminds me of a naushad comment when naqsh lyallpuri shared his matlaa
>
> > mumtaaz tujhe dekha jab tajmahal dekha
> > phir aaj ki aankho.n se, beetaa huaa kal dekhaa
>
> > naushad said i wonder how you are going to develop this further as there are so many dekha's.
>
> > is it good or bad in poetry to have the same word repeated more than twice (in a couplet)?
>
> It depends. Such repetition is called 'takraar-e-lafzi' and has been
> discussed here before:
>
> https://groups.google.com/group/alt.language.urdu.poetry/browse_frm/t...
> On May 1, 2:56 am, v <kumar.vr...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > your comment about baras baras and bheegi bheegi and the abundance of b words reminds me of a naushad comment when naqsh lyallpuri shared his matlaa
>
> > mumtaaz tujhe dekha jab tajmahal dekha
> > phir aaj ki aankho.n se, beetaa huaa kal dekhaa
>
> > naushad said i wonder how you are going to develop this further as there are so many dekha's.
>
> > is it good or bad in poetry to have the same word repeated more than twice (in a couplet)?
>
> It depends. Such repetition is called 'takraar-e-lafzi' and has been
> discussed here before:
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Vijay
This particular thread was discussed in 4-5 installments. Above is
installment 2. Below is the first one. You should be able to find the
subsequent installments easily:
https://groups.google.com/group/alt.language.urdu.poetry/browse_frm/thread/967f1011ad807cc4/1d4cf9bc4e7b0396?hl=en&lnk=gst&q=lafzon+ki+takraar#1d4cf9bc4e7b0396
sdhingra
May 1, 2012, 12:23:38 PM5/1/12
to
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