Receive $25 for opening an ING Direct Orange Savings Account
fookincag...@yahoo.com
Direct
Orange Savings Account (Current APY is 2.35%) with no minimum deposit
required.
The $25 will be credited to your account from ING Direct (not me). You
must
click on one of the links below to get the $25. Clicking the link on
ING
Directs' website will not get you the $25 bonus!
Click one of the links below. When the page loads, click on "Open Now!'
or
click on the orange "go" towards the bottom. On top of the next page
will be
"To start saving with our great rates and receive your $25.00 bonus,
open
and fund your Orange Savings Account now!"
If it says that the link has been used or expired go to next link
below. If
there aren't anymore that are valid, please send me an e-mail at
mtbi...@enter.net
Thanks
Info on Orange Saving Account
----------------------------------
-No required minimum balances... ever.
There is no minimum balance required to open your Orange Savings
Account,
and you don't have to keep a specific balance in your account to
qualify for
a high interest rate. No matter how much you have on deposit, the rate
is
still 2.35% APY.
-No fees. No service charges. No penalties. No hidden costs.
ING DIRECT's Orange Savings Account won't burden you with fees or
service
charges. Period. So you earn high interest on every penny you deposit.
-24-hour access to your funds, and you don't even have to change banks.
An Orange Savings Account makes your money available to you whenever
you
need it. When you open your account, it is automatically linked to your
current checking account used for your initial deposit. You can make
deposits or withdraw funds by transferring money online, through our
Interactive Phone Service, or by speaking with an ING DIRECT Sales
Associate.
-Pay Yourself First!
The Automatic Savings Plan allows you to automatically have a fixed
amount
of money regularly transferred to your high interest Orange Savings
from
your linked checking account. You will be saving your money
effortlessly and
will have money for a rainy day or to achieve your dreams. You can
either
call us or set up your Automatic Savings Plan on this website. You
specify
how much money you would like transferred, and how often you would like
it
moved. This is the simple, easy way to really grow your Orange Savings
Account.
-Safe and Secure - FDIC Insured
Your deposits at ING DIRECT are FDIC insured up to $100,000 per
depositor.
Keep in mind that individual and joint accounts are insured separately,
so
if you have both types of accounts with us, your total deposits can be
insured up to $200,000; that's up to $100,000 in all of your individual
accounts, and up to an additional $100,000 in all of your joint
accounts.
ING DIRECT's FDIC certificate number is 35489. You can learn more about
the
FDIC at their website, www.fdic.gov. We are registered with the FDIC
under
the name ING Bank, fsb.
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logjammin home THE BIG LEBOWSKI by Ethan Coen & Joel Coen We are
floating up a steep scrubby slope. We hear male voices gently singing
"Tumbling Tumbleweeds" and a deep, affable, Western-accented voice--Sam
Elliot's, perhaps: VOICE-OVER A way out west there was a fella, fella I
want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least,
that was the handle his lovin' parents gave him, but he never had much
use for it himself. This Lebowski, he called himself the Dude. Now,
Dude, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But
then, there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of
sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like- wise. But then
again, maybe that's why I found the place s'durned innarestin'. We top
the rise and the smoggy vastness of Los Angeles at twilight stretches
out before us. VOICE-OVER They call Los Angeles the City of Angels. I
didn't find it to be that exactly, but I'll allow as there are some
nice folks there. 'Course, I can't say I seen London, and I never been
to France, and I ain't never seen no queen in her damn undies as the
fella says. But I'll tell you what, after seeing Los Angeles and
thisahere story I'm about to unfold-- wal, I guess I seen somethin'
ever' bit as stupefyin' as ya'd see in any a those other places, and in
English too, so I can die with a smile on my face without feelin' like
the good Lord gypped me. INTERIOR RALPH'S It is late, the supermarket
all but deserted. We are tracking in on a fortyish man in Bermuda
shorts and sunglasses at the dairy case. He is the Dude. His rumpled
look and relaxed manner suggest a man in whom casualness runs deep. He
is feeling quarts of milk for coldness and examining their expiration
dates. VOICE-OVER Now this story I'm about to unfold took place back in
the early nineties-- just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and
the Eye-rackies. I only mention it 'cause some- times there's a man--I
won't say a hee-ro, 'cause what's a hee-ro?--but sometimes there's a
man. The Dude glances furtively about and then opens a quart of milk.
He sticks his nose in the spout and sniffs. VOICE-OVER And I'm talkin'
about the Dude here-- sometimes there's a man who, wal, he's the man
for his time'n place, he fits right in there--and that's the Dude, in
Los Angeles. CHECKOUT GIRL She waits, arms folded. A small black-and
white TV next to her register shows George Bush on the White House lawn
with helicopter rotors spinning behind him. GEORGE BUSH This aggression
will not stand. . . This will not stand! The Dude, peeking over his
shades, scribbles something at the little customer's lectern. Milk
beads his mustache. VOICE-OVER ...and even if he's a lazy man, and the
Dude was certainly that--quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles
County. The Dude has his Ralph's Shopper's Club card to one side and is
making out a check to Ralph's for sixty-nine cents. VOICE-OVER ...which
would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide--but
sometimes there's a man. . . sometimes there's a man. EXTERIOR RALPH'S
Long shot of the glowing Ralph's. There are only two or three cars
parked in the huge lot. VOICE-OVER Wal, I lost m'train of thought here.
But--aw hell, I done innerduced him enough. The Dude is a small figure
walking across the vast lot. Next to him walks a Mexican carry-out boy
in a red apron and cap carrying a small brown bag holding the quart of
milk. The two men's footsteps echo in the still of the night. After a
beat of walking the Dude offhandedly points. DUDE It's the LeBaron.
DUDE'S HOUSE The Dude is going up the walkway of a small Venice
bungalow court. He holds the paper sack in one hand and a small
leatherette satchel in the other. He awkwardly hugs the grocery bag
against his chest as he turns a key in his door. INSIDE The Dude enters
and flicks on a light. His head is grabbed from behind and tucked into
an armpit. We track with him as he is rushed through the living room,
his arm holding the satchel flailing away from his body. Going into the
bedroom the outflung satchel catches a piece of doorframe and wallboard
and rips through it, leaving a hole. The Dude is propelled across the
bedroom and on into a small bathroom, the satchel once again taking
away a piece of doorframe. His head is plunged into the toilet. The
paper bag hugged to his chest explodes milk as it hits the toilet rim
and the satchel pulverizes tile as it crashes to the floor. The Dude
blows bubbles. VOICE We want that money, Lebowski. Bunny said you were
good for it. Hands haul the Dude out of the toilet. The Dude blubbers
and gasps for air. VOICE Where's the money, Lebowski! His head is
plunged back into the toilet. VOICE Where's the money, Lebowski! The
hands haul him out again, dripping and gasping. VOICE WHERE'S THE
FUCKING MONEY, SHITHEAD! DUDE It's uh, it's down there somewhere. Lemme
take another look. His head is plunged back in. VOICE Don't fuck with
us. If your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn, that means you owe
money to Jackie Treehorn. The inquisitor hauls the Dude's head out one
last time and flops him over so that he sits on the floor, back against
the toilet. The Dude gropes back in the toilet with one hand. Looming
over him is a strapping blond man. Beyond in the living room a young
Chinese man unzips his fly and walks over to a rug. CHINESE MAN Ever
thus to deadbeats, Lebowski. He starts peeing on the rug. The Dude's
hand comes out of the toilet bowl with his sunglasses. DUDE Oh, man.
Don't do-- BLOND MAN You see what happens? You see what happens,
Lebowski? The Dude puts on his dripping sunglasses. DUDE Look, nobody
calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man. BLOND MAN
Your name is Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny. DUDE Bunny? Look, moron. He
holds up his hands. DUDE You see a wedding ring? Does this place look
like I'm fucking married? All my plants are dead! The blond man stoops
to unzip the satchel. He pulls out a bowling ball and examines it in
the manner of a superstitious native. BLOND MAN The fuck is this? The
Dude pats at his pockets, takes out a joint and lights it. DUDE
Obviously you're not a golfer. The blond man drops the ball which
pulverizes more tile. BLOND MAN Woo? The Chinese man is zipping his
fly. WOO Yeah? BLOND MAN Wasn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire?
WOO Uh? They both look around. WOO Fuck. BLOND MAN What do you think?
WOO He looks like a fuckin' loser. The Dude pulls his sunglasses down
his nose with one finger and peeks over them. DUDE Hey. At least I'm
housebroken. The two men look at each other. They turn to leave. WOO
Fuckin' waste of time. The blond man turns testily at the door. BLOND
MAN Thanks a lot, asshole. ON THE DOOR SLAM WE CUT TO: BOWLING PINS
Scattered by a strike. Music and head credits play over various bowling
shots--pins flying, bowlers hoisting balls, balls gliding down lanes,
sliding feet, graceful releases, ball return spinning up a ball,
fingers sliding into fingerholes, etc. The music turns into boomy
source music, coming from a distant jukebox, as the credits end over a
clattering strike. A lanky blonde man with stringy hair tied back in a
ponytail turns from the strike to walk back to the bench. MAN Hot damn,
I'm throwin' rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude. We are tracking in on the
circular bench towards a big man nursing a large plastic cup of Bud. He
has dark worried eyes and a goatee. Hairy legs emerge from his khaki
shorts. He also wears a khaki army surplus shirt with the sleeves cut
off over an old bowling shirt. This is Walter. He squints through the
smoke from his own cigarette as he addresses the Dude at the scoring
table. The Dude, also holding a large plastic cup of Bud, wears some of
its foam on his mustache. WALTER This was a valued rug. He elaborately
clears his throat. WALTER This was, uh-- DUDE Yeah man, it really tied
the room together-- WALTER This was a valued, uh. Donny, the
strike-scoring bowler, enters and sits next Walter. DONNY What tied the
room together, Dude? WALTER Were you listening to the story, Donny?
DONNY What-- WALTER Were you listening to the Dude's story? DONNY I was
bowling-- WALTER So you have no frame of reference, Donny. You're like
a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie and wants to know--
DUDE What's your point, Walter? WALTER There's no fucking
reason--here's my point, Dude--there's no fucking reason-- DONNY Yeah
Walter, what's your point? WALTER Huh? DUDE What's the point of--we all
know who was at fault, so what the fuck are you talking about? WALTER
Huh? No! What the fuck are you talking--I'm not--we're talking about
unchecked aggression here-- DONNY What the fuck is he talking about?
DUDE My rug. WALTER Forget it, Donny. You're out of your element. DUDE
This Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill so what
the fuck are you talking about? WALTER What the fuck are you talking
about?! This Chinaman is not the issue! I'm talking about drawing a
line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not, uh--and also,
Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred, uh. . . Asian- American. Please.
DUDE Walter, this is not a guy who built the rail- roads, here, this is
a guy who peed on my-- WALTER What the fuck are you-- DUDE Walter, he
peed on my rug-- DONNY He peed on the Dude's rug-- WALTER YOU'RE OUT OF
YOUR ELEMENT! This Chinaman is not the issue, Dude. DUDE So who--
WALTER Jeff Lebowski. Come on. This other Jeffrey Lebowski. The
millionaire. He's gonna be easier to find anyway than these two, uh.
these two . . . And he has the wealth, uh, the resources obviously, and
there is no reason, no FUCKING reason, why his wife should go out and
owe money and they pee on your rug. Am I wrong? DUDE No, but-- WALTER
Am I wrong! DUDE Yeah, but-- WALTER Okay. That, uh. He elaborately
clears his throat. That rap really tied the room together, did it not?
DUDE Fuckin' A. DONNY And this guy peed on it. WALTER Donny! Please!
DUDE Yeah, I could find this Lebowski guy-- DONNY His name is Lebowski?
That's your name, Dude! DUDE Yeah, this is the guy, this guy should
compensate me for the fucking rug. I mean his wife goes out and owes
money and they pee on my rug. WALTER Thaaat's right Dude; they pee on
your fucking Rug. CLOSE ON A PLAQUE We pull back from the name JEFFREY
LEBOWSKI engraved in silver to reveal that the plaque, from Variety
Clubs International, honors Lebowski as ACHIEVER OF THE YEAR. Reflected
in the plaque we see the Dude entering the room with a YOUNG MAN. We
hear the two men talk: YOUNG MAN And this is the study. You can see the
various commendations, honorary degrees, et cetera. DUDE Yes, uh, very
impressive. YOUNG MAN Please, feel free to inspect them. DUDE I'm not
really, uh. YOUNG MAN Please! Please! DUDE Uh-huh. We are panning the
walls, looking at various citations and certificates unrelated to the
ones being discussed offscreen: YOUNG MAN That's the key to the city of
Pasadena, which Mr. Lebowski was given two years ago in recognition of
his various civic, uh. DUDE Uh-huh. YOUNG MAN That's a Los Angeles
Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever award, which is given--not
necessarily given every year! Given only when there's a worthy,
somebody especially-- DUDE Hey, is this him with Nancy? YOUNG MAN That
is indeed Mr. Lebowski with the first lady, yes, taken when-- DUDE
Lebowski on the right? YOUNG MAN Of course, Mr. Lebowski on the right,
Mrs. Reagan on the left, taken when-- DUDE He's handicapped, huh? YOUNG
MAN Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes. And this picture was taken when Mrs.
Reagan was first lady of the nation, yes, yes? Not of California. DUDE
Far out. YOUNG MAN And in fact he met privately with the President,
though unfortunately there wasn't time for a photo opportunity. DUDE
Nancy's pretty good. YOUNG MAN Wonderful woman. We were very-- DUDE Are
these. YOUNG MAN These are Mr. Lebowski's children, so to speak-- DUDE
Different mothers, huh? YOUNG MAN No, they-- DUDE I guess he's pretty,
uh, racially pretty cool-- YOUNG MAN They're not his, heh-heh, they're
not literally his children; they're the Little Lebowski Urban
Achievers, inner-city children of promise but without the-- DUDE I see.
YOUNG MAN --without the means for higher education, so Mr. Lebowski has
committed to sending all of them to college. DUDE Jeez. Think he's got
room for one more? YOUNG MAN One--oh! Heh-heh. You never went to
college? DUDE Well, yeah I did, but I spent most of my time occupying
various, um, administration buildings-- YOUNG MAN Heh-heh-- DUDE
--smoking thai-stick, breaking into the ROTC-- YOUNG MAN Yes, heh--
DUDE --and bowling. I'll tell you the truth, Brandt, I don't remember
most of it.--Jeez! Fuck me! Our continuing track and pan have brought
us onto a framed Life Magazine cover which is headlined ARE YOU A
LEBOWSKI ACHIEVER? Oddly, the Dude's sunglassed face is on it; we
realize that, under the magazine's logo and headline, the display is
mirrored. We hear the door open and the whine of a motor. The Dude,
wearing shorts and a bowling shirt, turns to look. So does Brandt, the
young man we've been listening to. He wears a suit and has his hands
clasped in front of his groin. Entering the room is a fat sixtyish man
in a motorized wheelchair--Jeff Lebowski. LEBOWSKI Okay sir, you're a
Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, I'm very busy so what can I
do for you? He wheels himself behind a desk. The Dude sits facing him
as Brandt withdraws. DUDE Well sir, it's this rug I have, really tied
the room together- LEBOWSKI You told Brandt on the phone, he told me.
So where do I fit in? DUDE Well they were looking for you, these two
guys, they were trying to-- LEBOWSKI I'll say it again, all right? You
told Brandt. He told me. I know what happened. Yes? Yes? DUDE So you
know they were trying to piss on your rug-- LEBOWSKI Did I urinate on
your rug? DUDE You mean, did you personally come and pee on my--
LEBOWSKI Hello! Do you speak English? Parla usted Inglese? I'll say it
again. Did I urinate on your rug? DUDE Well no, like I said, Woo peed
on the rug-- LEBOWSKI Hello! Hello! So every time--I just want to
understand this, sir-- every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair
city, I have to compensate the-- DUDE Come on, man, I'm not trying to
scam anybody here, I'm just-- LEBOWSKI You're just looking for a
handout like every other--are you employed, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Look,
let me explain something. I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr. Lebowski.
I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or Duder. His Dudeness.
Or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing--
LEBOWSKI Are you employed, sir? DUDE Employed? LEBOWSKI You don't go
out and make a living dressed like that in the middle of a weekday.
DUDE Is this a--what day is this? LEBOWSKI But I do work, so if you
don't mind-- DUDE No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not
stand, ya know, this will not stand, man. I mean, if your wife owes--
LEBOWSKI My wife is not the issue here. I hope that my wife will
someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she
doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug is
your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility
regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the
loss of my legs, some chinaman in Korea took them from me but I went
out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir, only you
can. The Dude rises. DUDE Ah fuck it. LEBOWSKI Sure! Fuck it! That's
your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything! The
Dude is heading for the door. LEBOWSKI Your "revolution" is over, Mr.
Lebowski! Condolences! The bums lost! As the Dude opens the door.
LEBOWSKI ...My advice is, do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The
bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski? THE BUMS WILL
ALWAYS-- The Dude shuts the door on the old man's bellowing to find
himself-- HALLWAY --in a high coffered hallway. Brandt is approaching.
BRANDT How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Okay. The old man told
me to take any rug in the house. WALKWAY A houseman with a rolled-up
carpet on one shoulder goes down a stone walk that winds through the
back lawn, past a swimming pool to a garage. Brandt and the Dude
follow. BRANDT Manolo will load it into your car for you, uh, Dude.
DUDE It's the LeBaron. DUDE'S POINT OF VIEW Tracking toward the pool. A
young woman sits facing it, her back to us, leaning forward to paint
her toenails. Beyond her a black form floats in an inflatable chair in
the pool. BRANDT Well, enjoy, and perhaps we'll see you again some
time, Dude. DUDE Yeah sure, if I'm ever in the neighborhood, need to
use the john. CLOSER TRACK Arcing around the woman's foot as she
finishes painting the nails emerald green. THE DUDE Looking. WIDER The
young woman looks up at him. She is in her early twenties. She leans
back and extends her leg toward the Dude. YOUNG WOMAN Blow on them. The
Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose and peeks over them. DUDE Huh?
She waggles her foot and giggles. YOUNG WOMAN G'ahead. Blow. The Dude
tentatively grabs hold of her extended foot. DUDE You want me to blow
on your toes? YOUNG WOMAN Uh-huh. . . I can't blow that far. The Dude
looks over at the pool. DUDE You sure he won't mind? The man bobbing in
the inflatable chair is passed out. He is thin, in his thirties, with
long stringy blond hair. He wears black leather pants and a black
leather jacket, open, shirtless, exposing fine blond chest hair and
pale skin. One arm trails off into the water; next to it, an empty
whiskey bottle bobs. YOUNG WOMAN Dieter doesn't care about anything.
He's a nihilist. DUDE Practicing? The young woman smiles. YOUNG WOMAN
You're not blowing. Brandt nervously takes the Dude by the elbow.
BRANDT Our guest has to be getting along, Mrs. Lebowski. The Dude
grudgingly allows himself to be led away, still looking at the young
woman. DUDE You're Bunny? BUNNY I'll suck your cock for a thousand
dollars. Brandt releases a gale of forced laughter: BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Wonderful woman. Very free-spirited. We're all very fond of her. BUNNY
Brandt can't watch though. Or he has to pay a hundred. BRANDT
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's marvelous. He continues to lead away the Dude,
who looks back over his SHOULDER: DUDE I'm just gonna find a cash
machine. BOWLING PINS Scattered by a strike. THE BOWLERS Donny calls
out from the bench: DONNY Grasshopper Dude--They're dead in the water!!
As the Dude walks back to the scoring table he turns to another team in
black bowling shirts--the Cavaliers--that shares the lane. DUDE Your
maples, Carl. Walter, just arriving, is carrying a leatherette satchel
in one hand and a large plastic carrier in the other. WALTER Way to go,
Dude. If you will it, it is no dream. DUDE You're fucking twenty
minutes late. What the fuck is that? WALTER Theodore Herzel. DUDE Huh?
WALTER State of Israel. If you will it, Dude, it is no-- DUDE What the
fuck're you talking about? The carrier. What's in the fucking carrier?
WALTER Huh? Oh--Cynthia's Pomeranian. Can't leave him home alone or he
eats the furniture. DUDE What the fuck are you-- WALTER I'm saying,
Cynthia's Pomeranian. I'm looking after it while Cynthia and Marty
Ackerman are in Hawaii. DUDE You brought a fucking Pomeranian bowling?
WALTER What do you mean "brought it bowling"? I didn't rent it shoes.
I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not gonna take your fucking
turn, Dude. He lets the small yapping dog out of the carrier. It scoots
around the bowling table, sniffing at bowlers and wagging its tail.
DUDE Hey, man, if my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her
fucking dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her
to go fuck herself. Why can't she board it? WALTER First of all, Dude,
you don't have an ex, secondly, it's a fucking show dog with fucking
papers. You can't board it. It gets upset, its hair falls out. DUDE Hey
man-- WALTER Fucking dog has papers, Dude.--Over the line! Smokey turns
from his last roll to look at Walter. WALTER Smokey Huh? WALTER Over
the line, Smokey! I'm sorry. That's a foul. SMOKEY Bullshit. Eight,
Dude. WALTER Excuse me! Mark it zero. Next frame. SMOKEY Bullshit.
Walter! WALTER This is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. DUDE
Come on Walter, it's just--it's Smokey. So his toe slipped over a
little, it's just a game. WALTER This is a league game. This determines
who enters the next round- robin, am I wrong? SMOKEY Yeah, but-- WALTER
Am I wrong!? SMOKEY Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker, Dude,
I'm marking it an eight. Walter takes out a gun. WALTER Smokey my
friend, you're entering a world of pain. DUDE Hey Walter-- WALTER Mark
that frame an eight, you're entering a world of pain. SMOKEY I'm not--
WALTER A world of pain. A manager in a bowling-shirt style uniform is
running for a phone. SMOKEY Look Dude, I don't hold with this. This guy
is your partner, you should-- Walter primes the gun and points it at
his head. WALTER HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY? AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE
WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES? MARK IT ZERO! The Pomeranian is
excitedly yapping at Walter's elbow, making high body-twisting
tail-wagging leaps. DUDE Walter, they're calling the cops, put the
piece away. WALTER MARK IT ZERO! SMOKEY Walter-- WALTER YOU THINK I'M
FUCKING AROUND HERE? MARK IT ZERO!! SMOKEY All right! There it is! It's
fucking zero! He points frantically at the score projected above the
lane. SMOKEY You happy, you crazy fuck? WALTER This is a league game,
Smokey! PARKING LOT Walter and the Dude walk to the Dude's car. The
Pomeranian trots happily behind Walter who totes the empty carrier.
DUDE Walter, you can't do that. These guys're like me, they're
pacificists. Smokey was a conscientious objector. WALTER You know Dude,
I myself dabbled with pacifism at one point. Not in Nam, of course--
DUDE And you know Smokey has emotional problems! WALTER You
mean--beyond pacifism? DUDE He's fragile, man! He's very fragile! As
the two men get into the car: WALTER Huh. I did not know that. Well,
it's water under the bridge. And we do enter the next round-robin, am I
wrong? DUDE No, you're not wrong-- WALTER Am I wrong! DUDE You're not
wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole. They watch a squad car take a
squealing turn into the lot. WALTER Okay then. We play Quintana and
O'Brien next week. They'll be pushovers. DUDE Just, just take it easy,
Walter. WALTER That's your answer to everything, Dude. And let me point
out--pacifism is not--look at our current situation with that
camelfucker in Iraq-- pacifism is not something to hide behind. DUDE
Well, just take 't easy, man. WALTER I'm perfectly calm, Dude. DUDE
Yeah? Wavin' a gun around?! WALTER (smugly) Calmer than you are. -his
irritates the Dude further. DUDE Just take it easy, man! Walter is
still smug. WALTER Calmer than you are. DUDE'S HOUSE A large, brilliant
Persian rug lies beneath the Dude's beat- up old furniture. At the
table next to the answering machine the Dude is mixing kalhua, rum and
milk. VOICE Dude, this is Smokey. Look, I don't wanna be a hard-on
about this, and I know it wasn't your fault, but I just thought it was
fair to tell you that Gene and I will be submitting this to the League
and asking them to set aside the round. Or maybe forfeit it to us--
DUDE Shit! VOICE --so, like I say, just thought, you know, fair
warning. Tell Walter. A beep. ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is
Brandt at, uh, well--at Mr. Lebowski's office. Please call us as soon
as is convenient. Beep. ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Fred
Dynarski with the Southern Cal Bowling League. I just got a, an
informal report, uh, that a uh, a member of your team, uh, Walter
Sobchak, drew a loaded weapon during league play-- We hear the
doorbell. THE DOOR It swings open to reveal a short, hairy, muscular
but balding middle-aged man in a black T-shirt and black cut-off jeans.
DUDE Hiya Allan. ALLAN Dude, I finally got the venue I wanted. I'm
Performing my dance quintet--you know, my cycle--at Crane Jackson's
Fountain Street Theatre on Tuesday night, and I'd love it if you came
and gave me notes. The Dude takes a swig of his kalhua. DUDE Sure
Allan, I'll be there. ALLAN Dude, uh, tomorrow is already the tenth.
DUDE Yeah, yeah I know. Okay. ALLAN Just, uh, just slip the rent under
my door. DUDE Yeah, okay. BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM The voice continues
on the machine. VOICE --serious infraction, and examine your standing.
Thank you. Beep. VOICE Mr. Lebowski, Brandt again. Please do call us
when you get in and I'll send the limo. Let me assure you--I hope
you're not avoiding this call because of the rug, which, I assure you,
is not a problem. We need your help and, uh--well we would very much
like to see you. Thank you. It's Brandt. TRACKING We are pushing Brandt
down the high-ceilinged hallway. Distantly, we hear a dolorous soprano.
Brandt talks back over HIS SHOULDER: BRANDT We've had some terrible
news. Mr. Lebowski is in seclusion in the West Wing. DUDE Huh. Brandt
throws open a pair of heavy double doors. The music washes over us as
we enter a great study where Jeffrey Lebowski, a blanket thrown over
his knees, stares hauntedly into a fire, listening to Lohengrin. BRANDT
ANNOUNCES, AMBIGUOUSLY: BRANDT Mr. Lebowski. Jeffrey Lebowski waves the
Dude in without looking around. LEBOWSKI It's funny. I can look back on
a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles
overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of
my legs. What. . . What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Dude. LEBOWSKI
Huh? DUDE I don't know, sir. LEBOWSKI Is it. . . is it, being prepared
to do the right thing? Whatever the price? Isn't that what makes a man?
DUDE Sure. That and a pair of testicles. Lebowski turns away from the
Dude with a haunted stare, lost in thought. LEBOWSKI You're joking. But
perhaps you're right. The Dude thumps at his chest pocket. DUDE Mind if
I smoke a jay? LEBOWSKI Bunny. He turns back around and the firelight
shows teartracks on his cheeks. DUDE 'Scuse me? LEBOWSKI Bunny
Lebowski. . . She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my
tears, sir? DUDE Fuckin' A. LEBOWSKI Strong men also cry. . . Strong
men also cry. He clears his throat. LEBOWSKI I received this fax this
morning. Brandt hastily pulls a flimsy sheet from his clipboard and
hands it to the Dude. LEBOWSKI As you can see, it is a ransom note.
Sent by cowards. Men who are unable to achieve on a level field of
play. Men who will not sign their names. Weaklings. Bums. THE DUDE
EXAMINES THE FAX: WE HAVE BUNNY. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED
NON- CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS. NO FUNNY STUFF. DUDE
Bummer. Lebowski looks soulfully at the Dude. LEBOWSKI Brandt will fill
you in on the details. He wheels his chair around to once again gaze
into the fire. Brandt tugs at the Dude's shirt and points him back to
the hall. HALLWAY The soprano's singing is once again faint. Brandt's
voice is hushed: BRANDT Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous
offer to you to act as courier once we get instructions for the money.
DUDE Why me, man? BRANDT He suspects that the culprits might be the
very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you're in a unique position
to confirm or, uh, disconfirm that suspicion. DUDE So he thinks it's
the carpet-pissers, huh? BRANDT Well Dude, we just don't know. BOWLING
PINS CRASH--scattered by a strike, in slow motion. WIDER Still in slow
motion. We are looking across the length of the bowling alley at a
tall, thin, Hispanic bowler displaying perfect form. He wears an
all-in-one dacron-polyester stretch bowling outfit with a racing stripe
down each side. FAST TRACK IN On the Dude, sitting next to Walter in
the molded plastic chairs. The Dude is staring off towards the bowler.
DUDE Fucking Quintana--that creep can roll, man-- BACK TO THE BOWLER
Displaying great slow-motion form as the Dude and Walter's conversation
continues over. WALTER Yeah, but he's a fucking pervert, Dude. DUDE
Huh? WALTER The man is a sex offender. With a record. Spent six months
in Chino for exposing himself to an eight- year-old. FLASHBACK We see
Quintana, in pressed jeans and a stretchy sweater, walking up a stoop
in a residential neighborhood and zinging the bell. The VOICE-OVER
conversation continues. DUDE Huh. WALTER When he moved down to Venice
he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he's a pederast. The door
swings open and a beer-swilling middle-aged man looks dully out at
Quintana, who looks hesitantly up. DONNY What's a pederast, Walter?
WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. PINS scattered by a strike. QUINTANA
wheeling and thrusting a black gloved fist into the air. Stitched above
the breast pocket of his all-in-one is his first name, "Jesus". BACK TO
WALTER AND THE DUDE They have been joined by Donny. WALTER Anyway. How
much they offer you? DUDE Twenty grand. And of course I still keep the
rug. WALTER Just for making the hand-off? DUDE Yeah. He slips a little
black box out of his shirt pocket. DUDE ...They gave Dude a beeper, so
whenever these guys call-- WALTER What if it's during a game? DUDE I
told him if it was during league play-- Donny has been watching
Quintana. DONNY If what's during league play? WALTER Life does not stop
and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit. DONNY
What's wrong with Walter, Dude? DUDE I figure it's easy money, it's all
pretty harmless. I mean she probably kidnapped herself. WALTER Huh?
DONNY What do you mean, Dude? DUDE Rug-peers did not do this. I mean
look at it. Young trophy wife. Marries a guy for money but figures he
isn't giving her enough. She owes money all over town-- WALTER
That...fucking...bitch! DUDE It's all a goddamn fake. Like Lenin said,
look for the person who will benefit. And you will, uh, you know,
you'll, uh, you know what I'm trying to say-- DONNY I am the Walrus.
WALTER That fucking bitch! DUDE Yeah. DONNY I am the Walrus. WALTER
Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov! DONNY
What the fuck is he talking about? WALTER That's fucking exactly what
happened, Dude! That makes me fucking SICK! DUDE Yeah, well, what do
you care, Walter? DONNY Yeah Dude, why is Walter so pissed off? WALTER
Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing-- I did not watch my buddies
die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet-- DUDE I don't
see any connection to Vietnam, Walter. WALTER Well, there isn't a
literal connection, Dude. DUDE Walter, face it, there isn't any
connection. It's your roll. WALTER Have it your way. The point is--
DUDE It's your roll-- WALTER The fucking point is-- DUDE It's your
roll. VOICE Are you ready to be fucked, man? They both look up.
Quintana, on his way out, looks down at them from the lip of the lanes.
Over his polyester all-in-one he now wears a windbreaker with a racing
stripe and "Jesus" stitched on the breast. He is holding a fancy
black-and-red leather ball satchel (perhaps a Sylvia Wein). Behind him
stands his partner, O'Brien, a short fat Irishman with tufted red hair.
QUINTANA I see you rolled your way into the semis. Deos mio, man.
Seamus and me, we're gonna fuck you up. DUDE Yeah well, that's just, ya
know, like, your opinion, man. Quintana looks at Walter. QUINTANA Let
me tell you something, bendeco. You pull any your crazy shit with us,
you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and
stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger til it goes "click".
DUDE Jesus. QUINTANA You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
Jesus walks away. Walter nods sadly. WALTER Eight-year-olds, Dude.
DUDE'S BUNGALOW We are looking down at the Dude who is prone on the
rug. His eyes are closed. He wears a Walkman headset. Leaking tinnily
through the headphones we can just hear an intermittent clatter. In his
outflung hand lies a cassette case labeled VENICE BEACH LEAGUE PLAYOFFS
1987. The Dude absently licks his lips as we faintly hear a hall
rumbling down the lane. On its impact with the pins, the Dude opens his
eyes. He screams. A blonde woman looms over him. Next to her a young
man in paint-spattered denims stoops and swings something towards the
carrier. The sap catches the Dude on the chin and sends his head
thunking back onto the rug. A million stars explode against a field of
black. We hear the "La-la-la-la" of The Man in Me. The black field
dissolves into the pattern of the rug. The rug rolls away to reveal an
aerial view of the city of Los Angeles at twilight, moving below us at
great speed. The Dude is flying over the city, his arms thrown out in
front of him, the wind whipping his hair and billowing his bowling
shirt. He looks up. Ahead the mysterious blonde woman wings away,
riding on the Dude's rug like a sheik on a magic carpet. She is
outpacing us, growing smaller. The Dude does a couple of lazy crawl
strokes and then notices that a bowling ball has materialized in his
forward hand. His bemusement turns to concern over the aerodynamic
implications just as the ball seems to suddenly assume its weight,
abruptly snapping his arm down, and him after it. He is falling. From a
high angle we see the Dude hurtling down toward the city, dragged by
the ball. A reverse looking up shows the Dude hurtling toward us out of
the inky sky, his eyes wide with horror. Led by the bowling ball, he
zooms past the camera leaving us in black. We hear a distant rumble,
like thunder. Dull reflections materialize in the darkness. They are
glints off the shiny surface of an oncoming bowling ball. We pull back
to reveal that the blackness was the inside of a ball return, and the
gleaming bowling ball is being regurgitated up at us, overtaking us.
The Dude looks up, up, up at the looming ball, its mass rolling a huge
shadow across his face. The gleaming ball shows three dead black holes
rolling toward us --finger holes. The largest--thumb--hole rolls
directly over us, engulfing us once again in black.. The black rolls
away and we are spinning--spinning down a bowling lane--our point of
view that of someone trapped in the thumbhole of the rolling ball. We
see the receding bowler spinning away. It is the blonde woman,
performing her follow-through. Floor spins up at us and then away;
ceiling spins up and away; the length of the alley with pins at the
end; floor; ceiling; approaching pins; again and again. We hit the pins
and clatter into blackness. We hear pins spin, hit each other and drop.
We hear an irritating, insistent beeping. FADE IN We are close on the
Dude, upside down. As the picture fades in the bowling noises continue,
but filtered and faint. They come from the Dude's Walkman, the headset
of which is now askew, with one arm off his ear. As the Dude opens his
eyes we spiral slowly upward to put him right side around. His head is
now resting against hardwood floor, not rug. DUDE Oh man. He raises
himself onto his elbows and massages the red lump on his jaw. The
beeper on his belt is blinking red in sync with the continuing
irritating beeps. WIDE ON THE ROOM An end table is upset, but otherwise
the furniture is in place. The rug is gone. The Dude looks around. The
bowling sounds continue. The beeps continue. The phone starts to
jangle. TRACK We push Brandt down the familiar marble hallway. Again
there is a distant aria. Brandt throws out a wrist to look at his
watch. BRANDT They called about eighty minutes ago. They want you to
take the money and drive north on the 4 5. They'll call you on the
portable phone with instructions in about forty minutes. One person
only or I'd go with you. They were very clear on that: one person only.
What happened to your jaw? DUDE Oh, nothin', you know. They have
reached the little desk outside of the big Lebowski's office; Brandt
opens its bottom drawer with a key and takes out an attache case. He
hands this to the Dude along with a cellular phone in a battery-pack
carrying case. BRANDT Here's the money, and the phone. Please, Dude,
follow whatever instructions they give. DUDE Uh-huh. BRANDT Her life is
in your hands. DUDE Oh, man, don't say that.. BRANDT Mr. Lebowski asked
me to repeat that: Her life is in your hands. DUDE Shit. BRANDT Her
life is in your hands, Dude. And report back to us as soon as it's
done. DUDE'S CAR We pan off the Dude, driving, to his point of view
through the front windshield. The headlights play over Walter standing
waiting in front of the storefront of SOBCHAK SECURITY. Though he is
wearing khaki shorts and shirt, the fact that he holds a battered brown
briefcase makes him look oddly like a commuter. He also holds an
irregular shape bundled in brown wrapping paper. The car stops in front
of him and he opens the Dude's door and hands in the briefcase. WALTER
Take the ringer. I'll drive. The Dude takes the briefcase and slides
over. DUDE The what? WALTER The ringer! The ringer, Dude! Have they
called yet? The Dude opens the briefcase and paws bemusedly through it
as the car starts rolling. DUDE What the hell is this? WALTER My dirty
undies. Laundry, Dude. The whites. DUDE Agh-- He closes the briefcase.
DUDE Walter, I'm sure there's a reason you brought your dirty undies--
WALTER Thaaaat's right, Dude. The weight. The ringer can't look empty.
DUDE Walter--what the fuck are you thinking? WALTER Well you're right,
Dude, I got to thinking. I got to thinking why should we settle for a
measly fucking twenty grand-- DUDE We? What the fuck we? You said you
just wanted to come along-- WALTER My point, Dude, is why should we
settle for twenty grand when we can keep the entire million. Am I
wrong? DUDE Yes you're wrong. This isn't a fucking game, Walter--
WALTER It is a fucking game. You said so yourself, Dude--she kidnapped
herself-- DUDE ' Yeah, but-- The phone chirps. Dude grabs it. DUDE Dude
here. VOICE (German accent) Who is this? DUDE Dude the Bagman. Where do
you want us to go? VOICE ...Us? DUDE Shit. . . Uh, yeah, you know, me
and the driver. I'm not handling the money and driving the car and
talking on the phone all by my fucking-- VOICE Shut the fuck up. (Beat)
Hello? DUDE Yeah? VOICE Okay, listen-- Walter looks over at the Dude
and bellows: WALTER Dude, are you fucking this up? VOICE Who is that?
DUDE The driver man, I told you-- Click. Dial tone. DUDE Oh shit.
Walter. WALTER What the fuck is going on there? DUDE They hung up,
Walter! You fucked it up! You fucked it up! Her life was in our hands!
WALTER Easy, Dude. DUDE We're screwed now! We don't get shit and
they're gonna kill her! We're fucked, Walter! WALTER Dude, nothing is
fucked. Come on. You're being very unDude. They'll call back. Look, she
kidnapped her-- The phone chirps. WALTER Ya see? Nothing is fucked up
here, Dude. Nothing is fucked. These guys are fucking amateurs-- DUDE
Shutup, Walter! Don't fucking say peep when I'm doing business here.
WALTER (patronizing) Okay Dude. Have it your way. The Dude unclips the
phone from the battery pack. WALTER But they're amateurs. The Dude
glares at Walter. Into the phone: DUDE Dude here. VOICE Okay, vee
proceed. But only if there is no funny stuff. DUDE Yeah. VOICE So no
funny stuff. Okay? DUDE Hey, just tell me where the fuck you want us to
go. A HIGHWAY SIGN: SIMI VALLEY ROAD It flashes by in the headlights of
the roaring car. DUDE That was the sign. Walter wrestles the car onto
the two-lane road. WALTER Yeah. So as long as we get her back, nobody's
in a position to complain. And we keep the baksheesh. DUDE Terrific,
Walter. But you haven't told me how we get her back. Where is she?
WALTER That's the simple part, Dude. When we make the handoff, I grab
the guy and beat it out of him. He looks at the Dude. WALTER ...Huh?
DUDE Yeah. That's a great plan, Walter. That's fucking ingenious, if I
understand it correctly. That's a Swiss fucking watch. WALTER Thaaat's
right, Dude. The beauty of this is its simplicity. If the plan gets too
complex something always goes wrong. If there's one thing I learned in
Nam-- The phone chirps. DUDE Dude. VOICE You are approaching a vooden
britch. When you cross it you srow ze bag from ze left vindow of ze
moving kar. Do not slow down. Vee vatch you. Click. Dial tone. DUDE
FUCK. WALTER What'd he say? Where's the hand- off? DUDE There is no
fucking hand-off, Walter! At a wooden bridge we throw the money out of
the car! WALTER Huh? DUDE We throw the money out of the moving car!
Walter stares dumbly for a beat. WALTER We can't do that, Dude. That
fucks up our plan. DUDE Well call them up and explain it to 'em,
Walter! Your plan is so fucking simple, I'm sure they'd fucking
understand it! That's the beauty of it Walter! WALTER Wooden bridge,
huh? DUDE I'm throwing the money, Walter! We're not fucking around!
WALTER The bridge is coming up! Gimme the ringer, Dude! Chop-chop! DUDE
Fuck that! I love you, Walter, but sooner or later you're gonna have to
face the fact that you're a goddamn moron. WALTER Okay, Dude. No time
to argue. Here's the bridge-- There is the bump and new steady of the
car on the bridge. The Dude is twisting around to pull the money
briefcase from the back seat. Walter reaches one arm across Dude's body
to grab the laundry. And there goes the ringer. He flings it out the
window. DUDE Walter! WALTER Your wheel, Dude! I'm rolling out! DUDE
What the fuck? WALTER Your wheel! At fifteen em-pee-aitch I roll out! I
double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! The uzi! DUDE Uzi?
Walter points across the seat at the paper-wrapped bundle. WALTER You
didn't think I was rolling out of here naked! DUDE Walter, please--
Walter has flung open his door and is leaning halfway out over the
road. WALTER Fifteen! This is it, Dude! Let's take that hill! Walter
rolls out with his parcel, giving a loud grunt as he hits the pavement.
The car swerves and lurches and the Dude, cursing, takes the wheel.
OUTSIDE Walter tumbles onto the shoulder and--RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!--muzzle
flashes tear open the wrapping paper. INSIDE THE CAR The car rocks and
the Dude wrestles with the wheel. OUTSIDE The car clunks and screams
around in a skid. INSIDE The Dude is thrown forward as the car hits
something. OUTSIDE As the Dude struggles out holding the satchel of
money. The front of his car is crumpled into a tree. The car body saps
back to the left, where the rear wheel has been shot out. WALTER is
just rising from the ground massaging an injured knee. The Dude runs up
the road toward the bridge, frantically waving the satchel in the air.
DUDE WE HAVE IT! WE HAVE IT!! There is a distant engine roar. A
motorcycle bumps up onto the road from the ravine under the bridge and,
tires squealing, skids around to speed away in the opposite direction.
It is closely followed by two more roaring motorcycles. DUDE WE HAVE
IT!!. . . We have it! The Dude and Walter stand in the middle of the
road, watching the three red tail lights fishtail away. AFTER A LONG
STARING SILENCE: WALTER Ahh fuck it, let's go bowling. BOWLING LANE A
ball rumbles in to scatter ten pins. WALTER. He turns from the lane to
where the Dude sits in the nook of molded plastic chairs. The Dude
listlessly holds the portable phone in his lap. It is ringing. WALTER
Aitz chaim he, Dude. As the ex used to say. DUDE What the fuck is that
supposed to mean? What the fuck're we gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER Huh?
Oh, him, yeah. Well I don't see, um-- what exactly is the problem? The
portable phone stops ringing. DUDE Huh? The problem is--what do you
mean what's the--there's no--we didn't-- they're gonna kill that poor
woman-- WALTER What the fuck're you talking about? That poor
woman--that poor slut-- kidnapped herself, Dude. You said so yourself--
DUDE No, Walter! I said I thought she kidnapped herself! You're the one
who's so fucking certain-- WALTER That's right, Dude, 1 % certain--
Donny is trotting excitedly up. DONNY They posted the next round of the
tournament-- WALTER Donny, shut the f--when do we play? DONNY This
Saturday. Quintana and-- WALTER Saturday! Well they'll have to
reschedule. DUDE Walter, what'm I gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER I told
that fuck down at the league office-- who's in charge of scheduling?
DUDE Walter-- DONNY Burkhalter. WALTER I told that kraut a fucking
thousand times I don't roll on shabbas. DONNY It's already posted.
WALTER WELL THEY CAN FUCKING UN-POST IT! DUDE Who gives a shit, Walter?
What about that poor woman? What do we tell-- WALTER C'mon Dude,
eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander
back-- DONNY How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter? WALTER I'm
shomer shabbas. DONNY What's that, Walter? DUDE Yeah, and in the
meantime what do I tell Lebowski? WALTER Saturday is shabbas. Jewish
day of rest. Means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking
ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I
sure as shit don't fucking roll! DONNY Sheesh. DUDE Walter, how--
WALTER Shomer shabbas. The Dude gets to his feet with the portable
phone. DUDE That's it. I'm out of here. WALTER For Christ's sake, Dude.
Walter and Donny join the Dude as he walks out of the bowling alley.
Hell, you just tell him--well, you tell him, uh, we made the hand-off,
everything went, uh, you know-- DONNY Oh yeah, how'd it go? WALTER Went
alright. Dude's car got a little dinged up-- DUDE But Walter, we didn't
make the fucking hand- off! They didn't get, the fucking money and
they're gonna-- they're gonna-- WALTER Yeah yeah, "kill that poor
woman." He waves both arms as if conducting a symphony orchestra.
WALTER Kill that poor woman. DONNY Walter, if you can't ride in a car,
how d'you get around on Shammas-- WALTER Really, Dude, you surprise me.
They're not gonna kill shit. They're not gonna do shit. What can they
do? Fuckin' amateurs. And meanwhile, look at the bottom line. Who's
sitting on a million fucking dollars? Am I wrong? DUDE Walter-- WALTER
Who's got a fucking million fucking dollars parked in the trunk of our
car out here? DUDE "Our" car, Walter? WALTER And what do they got,
Dude? My dirty undies. My fucking whites--Say, where is the car? The
three bowlers, stopped at the edge of the lot, stare out at an empty
parking space. DONNY Who has your undies, Walter? WALTER Where's your
car, Dude? DUDE You don't know, Walter? You seem to know the answer to
everything else! WALTER Hmm. Well, we were in a handicapped spot. It,
uh, it was probably towed. DUDE It's been stolen, Walter! You fucking
know it's been stolen! WALTER Well, certainly that's a possibility,
Dude-- DUDE Aw, fuck it. The Dude walks away across the lot. The
portable phone starts ringing again. DONNY Where you going, Dude? DUDE
I'm going home, Donny. DONNY Your phone's ringing, Dude. DUDE Thank
you, Donny. DUDE'S LIVING ROOM The Dude is slumped disconsolately back
in his easy chair, fingers of one hand cupped over his sunglasses.
Facing him on the couch are two uniformed policeman, one middle-aged,
the other a fresh-faced rookie. At the cut the portable phone, in the
Dude's lap, is chirping. The Dude waits for the rings to end. When they
do: DUDE 1972 Pontiac LeBaron. YOUNGER COP Color? DUDE Green. Some
brown, or, uh, rust, coloration. YOUNGER COP And was there anything of
value in the car? DULLY: DUDE Huh? Oh. Yeah. Tape deck. Couple of
Creedence tapes. And there was a, uh. . . my briefcase. YOUNGER COP In
the briefcase? DUDE Papers. Just papers. You know, my papers. Business
papers. YOUNGER COP And what do you do, sir? DUDE I'm unemployed. OLDER
COP ...Most people, we're working nights, they offer us coffee. There
is silence. Dude continues to stare at a spot on the floor. The older
cop stares at him. DUDE ...Me, I don't drink coffee. But it's nice when
they offer. AT LENGTH: DUDE ...Also, my rug was stolen. YOUNGER COP
Your rug was in the car. The Dude taps the floor with his foot. DUDE
No. Here. YOUNGER COP Separate incidents? The Dude stares at the floor.
Silence. OLDER COP Snap out of it, son. The home phone starts
ringing--a ring distinct from the chirp of the portable. The Dude makes
no move to answer it. Finally the rings stop as an answering machine
kicks on. DUDE You find them much? Stolen cars? Dude's Voice on Machine
The Dude's not in. Leave a message after the beep. It takes a minute.
YOUNGER COP Sometimes. I wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck
though. Or the Creedence tapes. DUDE And the, uh, the briefcase? Beep.
FEMALE VOICE ON MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, I'd like to see you. Call when
you get home and I'll send a car for you. My name is Maude Lebowski.
I'm the woman who took the rug. Beep. Dial tone. OLDER COP Well, I
guess we can close the file on that one. TRACKING FORWARD We are moving
through the open living area of a large downtown L.A. loft. A huge
unfinished canvas, lit by standing industrial lights, dominates one
wall. The furnishings are spare given the space. On the floor is the
Dude's brilliant rug. We hear a rumble like an approaching bowling
ball. The Dude, standing in the middle of the loft, looks into the
murky depths of the cavernous space. Something huge and white hurtles
towards the Dude's head. As it roars overhead he ducks, and spins to
watch it pass. We see the backside of a naked woman in a sling
suspended from a ceiling track rumbling over a canvas that lies on the
floor. She is holding a paint bucket in one hand and a brush in the
other, with which she flicks paint down at the canvas. The Dude turns
again as he hears running footsteps. Two young men in paint-spattered
shorts, T-shirts and sneakers reach the sling shortly after it reaches
the end of its track and haul it back for another push. VOICE I'll be
with you in a minute, Mr. Lebowski. She rumbles by in another pass. All
right, we'll do the blue tomorrow. Elfranco. Pedro. Help me down. The
two men help Maude out of her sling. She is naked except for leather
harness straps which ring her breasts and wrap her thighs and give her
something of a dominatrix look. Does the female form make you uncomfor-
table, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Is that what that's a picture of? MAUDE In a
sense, yes. Elfranco, my robe. My art has been commended as being
strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some
men uncomfortable. Vagina. DUDE Oh yeah? MAUDE Yes, they don't like
hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye
a man will refer to his "dick" or his "rod" or his "Johnson". DUDE
"Johnson"? MAUDE Thank you. This to Elfranco, who has handed her a
robe. All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told
me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my
late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. As for this. . .
"kidnapping"-- DUDE Huh? MAUDE Yes, I know about it. And I know that
you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing
stinks to high heaven. DUDE Right, but let me explain something about
that rug-- MAUDE Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Excuse me? MAUDE
Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it? DUDE I was
talking about my rug. MAUDE You're not interested in sex? DUDE You mean
coitus? MAUDE I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we
hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. But unfortunately
there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in
women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy. DUDE Oh, no.
MAUDE Yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true
sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these. DUDE
Listen, Maude, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but I don't
see what it has to do with--do you have any kalhua? MAUDE Take a look
at this, sir. She is aiming a remote at a projection TV. The screen
flickers to life. A title card: JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS SECOND CARD:
KARL HUNGUS AND BUNNY LAJOYA IN A THIRD CARD: LOGJAMMIN' The Dude is at
the bar, a bottle of kalhua frozen halfway to his glass. From the
television set we hear a doorbell ring, and then a door opening. On the
TV screen the door opens to reveal a sallow-faced man in blue
coyer-alls. It is Dieter, the floater in Lebowski's pool. DIETER Hello.
Nein dizbatcher says zere iss problem mit deine kable. DUDE Shit, I
know that guy. He's a nihilist. MAUDE And you recognize her, of course.
The girl answering the door is Bunny Lebowski. Bunny The TV is in here.
DIETER Za, okay, I bring mein toolz. Bunny This is my friend Shari. She
just came over to use the shower. MAUDE (grimly) The story is
ludicrous. DIETER Mein nommen iss Karl. Is hard to verk in zese
clozes-- Maude switches off the set. MAUDE Lord. You can imagine where
it goes from here. DUDE He fixes the cable? MAUDE Don't be fatuous,
Jeffrey. Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career
in pornography, nor that she has been "banging" Jackie Treehorn, to use
the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the
Lebowski Foundation, the other being my father. The Foundation takes
youngsters from Watts and-- DUDE Shit yeah, the achievers. MAUDE Little
Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked
my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation
account and he told me about this "abduction", but I tell you it is
preposterous. This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the
proverbial ride. DUDE Yeah, but my- MAUDE I'm getting to your rug. My
father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and,
needless to say, I don't approve of his. Still, I hardly wish to make
my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try
to recover the money from the people you delivered it to. DUDE
Well--sure, I could do that-- MAUDE If you successfully do so, I will
compensate you to the tune of 1% of the recovered sum. DUDE A hundred.
MAUDE Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them. DUDE
Yeah, but what about-- MAUDE --your rug, yes, well with that money you
can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me.
And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw. The Dude fingers his jaw,
where the lump from the sap has all but disappeared. DUDE Oh that's
okay, I hardly even-- MAUDE Here's the name and number of a doctor who
will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and
thorough. DUDE That's really thoughtful but I-- MAUDE Please see him,
Jeffrey. He's a good man, and thorough. LIMO The Dude sits in back
holding a White Russian, listening to the chauffeur, a man of about the
same age from whose livery cap a ponytail emerges. DRIVER --So he says,
"My son can't hold a job, my daughter's married to a fuckin' loser, and
I got a rash on my ass so bad I can't hardly siddown. But you know me.
I can't complain." THROUGH RASPING LAUGHTER: DUDE Fuckin' A, man. I got
a rash. Fuckin' A, man. I gotta tell ya Tony. He takes a sip of a
freshly-mixed White Russian, which leaves milk on his mustache. I was
feeling really shitty earlier in the day, I'd lost a little money, I
was down in the dumps. TONY Aw, forget about it. DUDE Yeah, man! Fuck
it! I can't be worrying about that shit. Life goes on! The limo has
rolled to a stop. The Dude gets out, still holding his drink. TONY Home
sweet home, Mr. L. Who's your friend in the Volkswagon? DUDE Huh? His
eyes on the rearview mirror, Tony jerks a thumb over his shoulder. He
followed us here. The Dude turns to look. HIS POV Halfway up the block
a Volkswagon bug has pulled over to the curb. In the driver's seat we
see a fat man's shape. THE DUDE He scowls. DUDE When did he- The Dude
is grabbed from behind and muscled away in a half- nelson by another
uniformed chauffeur. SECOND CHAUFFEUR Into the limo, you sonofabitch.
No arguments. As he is frog-marched towards another limo the Dude holds
his drink away from his chest and cups a hand underneath it. DUDE Fuck,
man! There's a beverage here! The waiting limo's back door is flung
open. INSIDE The Dude is shoved in and awkwardly takes a seat facing
the rear. The door is slammed behind him. LEBOWSKI Start talking and
talk fast you lousy bum! BRANDT We've been frantically trying to reach
you, Dude. Brandt sits catty-corner from the Dude; directly across from
the Dude is the big Lebowski, a comforter across his knees. LEBOWSKI
Where's my goddamn money, you bum?! DUDE Well we--I don't-- LEBOWSKI
They did not receive the money, you nitwit! They did not receive the
goddamn money. HER LIFE WAS IN YOUR HANDS! BRANDT This is our concern,
Dude. DUDE No, man, nothing is fucked here-- LEBOWSKI NOTHING IS
FUCKED! THE GODDAMN PLANE HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN! The Dude takes
a hurried sip from his drink. DUDE C'mon man, who're you gonna believe?
Those guys are--we dropped off the damn money-- LEBOWSKI WHAT?! DUDE
I--the royal we, you know, the editorial--I dropped off the money,
exactly as per--Look, I've got certain information, certain things have
come to light, and uh, has it ever occurred to you, man, that given the
nature of all this new shit, that, uh, instead of running around
blaming me, that this whole thing might just be, not, you know, not
just such a simple, but uh--you know? LEBOWSKI What in God's holy name
are you blathering about? DUDE I'll tell you what I'm blathering about!
I got information--new shit has come to light and--shit, man! She
kidnapped herself! Lebowski stares at him, dumbstruck. The Dude is
encouraged. DUDE Well sure, look at it! Young trophy wife, I mean, in
the parlance of our times, owes money all over town, including to known
pornographers-- and that's cool, that's cool-- but I'm saying, she
needs money, and of course they're gonna say they didn't get it 'cause
she wants more, man, she's gotta feed the monkey, I mean-- hasn't that
ever occurred to you...? Sir? LEBOWSKI (quietly) No. No Mr. Lebowski,
that had not occurred to me. BRANDT That had not occurred to us, Dude.
DUDE Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so uh, you know,
but that's what you pay me for. Speaking of which, would it be possible
for me to get my twenty grand in cash? I gotta check this with my
accountant of course, but my concern is that, you know, it could bump
me into a higher tax-- LEBOWSKI Brandt, give him the envelope. DUDE
Well, okay, if you've already made out the check. Brandt is handing him
a letter-sized envelope which is distended by something inside. BRANDT
We received it this morning. The Dude, frowning, untucks its flap,
takes out some cotton wadding and unrolls it. LEBOWSKI Since you have
failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was your charge, since
you have stolen my money, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my
trust. The wadding, undone, reveals a smaller wad of gauze taped up
inside. The Dude undoes the tape with his fingernails and starts to
unroll the inner package. LEBOWSKI I have no choice but to tell these
bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their money
from you, Jeffrey Lebowski. And with Brandt as my witness, tell you
this: Any further harm visited upon Bunny, shall be visited tenfold
upon your head. Between thumb and forefinger the Dude holds up the
contents of the package--a little toe, with emerald green nail polish.
LEBOWSKI ...By God sir. I will not abide another toe. COFFEE SHOP The
Dude and Walter sit at the counter, both staring off into space, both
absently stirring their coffee with little clinking noises. AFTER A
LONG BEAT: WALTER That wasn't her toe. DUDE Whose toe was it, Walter?
WALTER How the fuck should I know? I do know that nothing about it
indicates-- DUDE The nail polish, Walter. WALTER Fine, Dude. As if it's
impossible to get some nail polish, apply it to someone else's toe--
DUDE Someone else's--where the fuck are they gonna-- WALTER You want a
toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't
wanna know about it, believe me. DUDE But Walter-- WALTER I'll get you
a toe by this afternoon--with nail polish. These fucking amateurs. They
send us a toe, we're supposed to shit our- selves with fear. Jesus
Christ. My point is-- DUDE They're gonna kill her, Walter, and then
they're gonna kill me-- WALTER Well that's just, that's the stress
talking, Dude. So far we have what looks to me like a series of
victimless crimes-- DUDE What about the toe? WALTER FORGET ABOUT THE
FUCKING TOE! A waitress enters. WAITRESS Could you please keep your
voices down--this is a family restaurant. WALTER Oh, please dear! I've
got news for you: the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior
restraint! DUDE Walter, this isn't a First Amendment thing. WAITRESS
Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
WALTER Lady, I got buddies who died face- down in the muck so you and I
could enjoy this family restaurant! THE DUDE GETS UP: DUDE All right,
I'm leaving. I'm sorry ma'am. WALTER Don't run away from this, Dude!
Goddamnit, this affects all of us! The Dude has left frame; Walter
calls after him: WALTER Our basic freedoms! He looks defiantly around.
WALTER I'm staying. Finishing my coffee. He stirs the coffee, bopping
his head in time to the Muzak, affecting nonchalance. WALTER Finishing
my coffee. DUDE'S BATHROOM A dripping noise. The Dude sits in the
bathtub, staring stuporously, a joint pinched in one hand, a washcloth
draped over his head. We hear the phone ringing in the other roam. The
Dude is staring at his toes, which protrude from the soapy water,
splayed against the far side of the tub. After the Dude's outgoing
message we hear: VOICE THROUGH MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, this is Duty
Officer Rolvaag of the L.A.P.D. The Dude looks stuporously up, his head
swaying. VOICE THROUGH MACHINE We've recovered your vehicle. It can be
claimed at the North Hollywood Auto Circus there on Victory. DUDE Far
out. Far fuckin' out. MESSAGE You'll just need to present a-- The
message is interrupted by loud smashing sounds, as of someone applying
a baseball bat to the answering machine. DUDE Hunh? He looks blearily
at the open doorway. A tall man dressed in black leather with a cricket
paddle is striding across the living room towards the bathroom. DUDE
Hey! This is a private residence, man! The man has entered the bathroom
and, in stride, swings the cricket paddle up to smash the overhead
light. Two other men are entering behind him. The room is dark now
except for spill from the living room; the men are backlit shapes. One
of them holds a string at the other end of which a small animal
skitters excitedly about the floor. The Dude looks curiously at the
small, nattering animal. DUDE Nice marmot. The man with the string
scoops up the marmot and tosses it, screaming, into the bathtub. The
Dude screams. The marmot splashes frantically, biting at the Dude in a
frenzy of fearful aggression. FIRST MAN Vee vant zat money, Lebowski.
The Dude, screaming, grabs the lip of the tub and starts to hoist
himself up but the first man lays a palm on top of his head and
squishes him back into the water. SECOND MAN You think veer kidding und
making mit de funny stuff? THIRD MAN Vee could do things you only
dreamed of, Lebowski. SECOND MAN Ja, vee could really do it, Lebowski.
Vee belief in nossing. He scoops the marmot out of the water. It shakes
itself off, spraying the Dude. DUDE Jesus! DIETER Vee belief in
nossing, Lebowski! NOSSING!! The marmot, back on the floor, is
skittering around, shaking itself and convulsing in little sneezes.
DUDE Jesus Christ! FIRST MAN Tomorrow vee come back und cut off your
chonson. DUDE Excuse me? FIRST MAN I SAY VEE CUT OFF YOUR CHONSON! The
three men turn to leave. Over their retreating backs: SECOND MAN Just
sink about zat, Lebowski. FIRST MAN Ja, your viggly penis, Lebowski.
SECOND MAN Ja, und maybe vee stamp on it und skvush it, Lebowski! NORTH
HOLLYWOOD AUTO CIRCUS A policeman with a clipboard is leading the Dude
through a large parking lot. POLICEMAN You're lucky she wasn't chopped,
Mr. Lebowski. Must've been a joyride situation; they abandoned the car
once they hit the retaining wall. They have reached the Dude's car. The
driver's side exterior has been scraped raw. The policeman hands the
Dude a door handle and an exterior rear-view mirror. POLICEMAN These
were on the road next to the car. You'll have to get in on the other
side. The Dude climbs in the passenger side. DUDE My fucking briefcase!
It's not here! POLICEMAN Yeah, sorry, I saw that on the report. You're
lucky they left the tape deck though. DUDE My fucking briefcase!
Jesus--what's that smell? POLICEMAN Uh, yeah. Probably a vagrant, slept
in the car. Or perhaps just used it as a toilet, and moved on. The Dude
tries to roll down the driver's window but it will not go; he bellows
through the glass: DUDE When will you find these guys? I mean, do you
have any promising leads? The policeman laughs, agreeing broadly.
POLICEMAN Leads, yeah. I'll just check with the boys down at the Crime
Lab. They've assigned four more detectives to the case, got us working
in shifts. The Dude looks sadly through his window at the policeman
rocking back on his heels, his raucous laughter muffled by the glass.
BOWLING ALLEY BAR The Dude, Walter and Donny sit at the bar, the Dude
with a White Russian, Walter with a beer, and Donny eating beer nuts.
DONNY And then they're gonna stamp on it?! WALTER Oh for Christ--will
you shut the fuck up, Donny. DUDE I figure my only hope is that the big
Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off. WALTER Now
that is ridiculous, Dude. No one is going to cut your dick off. DUDE
Thanks Walter. WALTER Not if I have anything to say about it. DUDE
(bitterly) Yeah, thanks Walter. That gives me a very secure feeling.
WALTER Dude-- DUDE That makes me feel all warm inside. WALTER Now
Dude-- DUDE This whole fucking thing--I could be sitting here with just
pee-stains on my rug. Walter sadly shakes his head. WALTER Fucking
Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis. DONNY They were Nazis, Dude?
WALTER Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration! DONNY Uh-huh.
WALTER Are you gonna split hairs? DONNY No-- WALTER Am I wrong? DONNY
Well-- DUDE They're nihilists. WALTER Huh? DUDE They kept saying they
believe in nothing. WALTER Nihilists! Jesus. Walter looks haunted. Say
what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least
it's an ethos. DUDE Yeah. WALTER And let's also not forget--let's not
forget, Dude--that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh,
domestic, you know, within the city-- that isn't legal either. DUDE
What're you, a fucking park ranger now? WALTER No, I'm-- DUDE Who gives
a shit about the fucking marmot! WALTER --We're sympathizing here,
Dude-- DUDE Fuck your sympathy! I don't need your sympathy, man, I need
my fucking Johnson! DONNY What do you need that for, Dude? WALTER You
gotta buck up, man, you can't go into the tournament with this negative
attitude-- DUDE Fuck the tournament! Fuck you, Walter! There is a
moment of stunned silence. WALTER Fuck the tournament?! SAD; QUIET:
WALTER Okay Dude. I can see you don't want to be cheered up. C'mon
Donny, let's go get a lane. They leave the Dude sitting morosely at the
bar. As he stares DOWN INTO HIS EMPTY GLASS: DUDE Another Caucasian,
Gary. VOICE Right, Dude. STILL STARING DOWN AT THE BAR: DUDE Friends
like these, huh Gary. GARY That's right, Dude. The pop song on the
jukebox has ended; someone puts on "Tumbling Tumbleweeds." A man
saunters up to the bar to take the stool that Walter vacated. He is
middle-aged, amiable, craggily handsome--Sam Elliot, perhaps. He has a
large Western-style mustache and wears denims, a yoked shirt and a
cowboy hat. TO THE BARTENDER: MAN D'ya have a good sarsaparilla? We
recognize the voice of The Stranger whose narration opened the movie.
BARTENDER Sioux City Sarsaparilla. The Stranger nods. THE STRANGER
That's a good one. Waiting for his drink, he looks amiably around the
bar. His crinkled eyes settle on the Dude. THE STRANGER How ya doin'
there, Dude? The Dude, still staring down at his drink, shakes his
head. DUDE Ahh, not so good, man. THE STRANGER One a those days, huh.
Wal, a wiser fella than m'self once said, sometimes you eat the bar and
sometimes the bar, wal, he eats you. DUDE (absently) Uh-huh. That some
kind of Eastern thing? THE STRANGER Far from it. DUDE Mm. The bartender
puts a brown bottle and a frosted glass on the bar in front of The
Stranger, who touches his hat brim. THE STRANGER Much obliged. He looks
back at the Dude. THE STRANGER I like your style, Dude. THE DUDE LOOKS
UP, ABSENTLY: DUDE Well I like your style too, man. Got a whole cowboy
thing goin'. THE STRANGER Thankie. . . Just one thing, Dude. D'ya have
to use s'many cuss words? The Dude looks at The Stranger as if just now
noticing how out of place the cowpoke is. DUDE The fuck are you talking
about? The Stranger chuckles indulgently and pushes off from the bar.
THE STRANGER Okay, have it your way. He brushes his hat brim with a
fingertip. THE STRANGER Take it easy, Dude. DUDE Yeah. Thanks man. He
is gone. "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" is ending as we hear an offscreen
voice, breaking the spell: VOICE Dude! Dude! THE DUDE LOOKS: Tony, the
unformed limo driver, is at the door of the bar, beckoning. MAUDE'S
LOFT She strides toward us, naked under a robe which she is just
cinching shut. Paint flecks her skin. MAUDE Jeffrey, you haven't gone
to the doctor. DUDE No it's fine, really, uh-- MAUDE Do you have any
news regarding my father's money? DUDE I, uh... money, yeah, I gotta
respecfully, 69 you know, tender my resignation on that matter, 'cause
it looks like your mother really was kidnapped after all. MAUDE She
most certainly was not! DUDE Hey man, why don't you fucking listen
occasionally? You might learn something. Now I got-- MAUDE And please
don't call her my mother. DUDE Now I got-- MAUDE She is most definitely
the perpetrator and not the victim. DUDE I'm telling you, I got
definitive evidence-- MAUDE From who? DUDE The main guy, Dieter-- MAUDE
Dieter Hauff? DUDE Well--yeah, I guess-- MAUDE Her "co-star" in the
beaver picture? DUDE Beaver? You mean vagina?--I mean, you know him?
MAUDE Dieter has been on the fringes of-- well, of everything in L.A.,
for about twenty years. Look at my LP's. Under 'Autobahn.' The Dude
fingers through the albums filling one bookshelf. MAUDE That was his
group--they released one album in the mid-seventies. The Dude stops
between two albums. DUDE Roy Orbison. . . Pink Floyd. MAUDE Huh?
Autobahn. A-u-t-o. Their music is a sort of--ugh--techno-pop. The Dude
pulls out an album with a worn sleeve. On it is the group's name,
Autobahn, the album name, Nagelbett, and a picture OF THREE YOUNG
GERMANS, THEIR FOREHEADS LOOMING BELOW SLICKED- back hair, gazing
upward in thin-lipped epiphany. They are wearing severe but modishly
retro suits. Each has his name under his picture--Dieter, Kieffer; and
Franz. A bed of nails is the only set dressing on the cyc. DUDE Jeez. I
miss vinyl. MAUDE Is he pretending to be the abductor? DUDE
Well...yeah-- MAUDE Look, Jeffrey, you don't really kidnap someone that
you're acquainted with. You can't get away with it if the hostage knows
who you are. DUDE Well yeah...I know that. MAUDE So Dieter has the
money? DUDE Well, no, not exactly. It's a complicated case, Maude.
Lotta ins. Lotta outs. And a lotta strands to keep in my head, man.
Lotta strands in old Duder's-- MAUDE Do you still have that doctor's
number? DUDE Huh? No, really, I don't even have the bruise any more,
I-- She is scribbling. MAUDE Please Jeffrey. I don't want to be
responsible for any delayed after- effects. DUDE Delayed after-eff--
MAUDE I want you to see him immediately. She is picking up a telephone.
MAUDE I'll see if he's available. He's a good man, and thorough. CLOSE
SHOT THE DUDE His eyes are closed, a headset on, his shirt off. Leaking
tinnily through the headset we hear the opening bars of "Comin' Up
Around the Bend." Behind him, cropped so that we see only a little of
his torso, a white-smocked figure taps at the Dude's back. After a
moment the figure circles to one side, out of frame. His hand reaches
in to pull one arm of the headset away from the Dude's ear, and as he
does so the music issues more strongly. VOICE Could you slide your
shorts down please, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude's eyes open. DUDE Huh? No,
she, she hit me right here. VOICE I understand sir. Could you slide
your shorts down please? DUDE'S CAR The Dude is driving home. A
Creedence tape plays. The Dude is sucking down a joint. He glances at
the rear-view mirror-- and, noticing something, looks again. HIS POV A
Volkswagon bug is following, a lone fat man driving. THE DUDE His eyes
still on the mirror, he absently takes the joint between thumb and
forefinger of his right hand and flicks it out the driver's
window--except that the window is not open. The butt bounces off the
glass and around the car, showering sparks. DUDE'S CROTCH The glowing
butt rolls down the car seat between his legs. The Dude screams. THE
STREET The car careens wildly as the surrounding traffic veers off to,
make way, horns blaring. The car finally spins and comes to rest with
its passenger side wrapped into a telephone poll. INSIDE THE CAR The
Dude frantically grabs at his door, which won't open, and then slides
over to push at the passenger door, which also won't open. DUDE Fuck
Me. But he is sitting on the passenger side now, away from the lit
butt. He looks around for it. Smoke is wisping up from between the
Driver's seat cushion and back cushion. DUDE Fuckola, man. He takes his
beer and pours it in between the cushions. There is a hissing sound.
But there is a piece of paper sticking out from between the cushions.
The Dude pulls it out. It is lined spiral notebook paper, slightly
singed and dripping beer, covered with handwriting. In the upper right-
hand corner is the name Lawrence Sellers, and under that, Mrs. Jamtoss
5th Period. The theme is titled "The Louisiana Purchase." In red ink is
a large circled D and some handwritten marginal comments; misspelled
words are circled in red throughout. CRANE JACKSON'S FOUNTAIN STREET
THEATER We are behind Walter, the Dude, and Donny, facing the stage in
the background where Allan, the Dude's balding landlord, is performing
a dance moderne. As Walter talks to the Dude he leans in to him, his
voice hushed, so as not to disturb the rest of the very sparse
audience. WALTER He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the
In-and-Out Burger-- DUDE The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose. WALTER
Near the In-and-Out Burger-- DONNY Those are good burgers, Walter.
WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. This kid is in the ninth grade, Dude,
and his father is--are you ready for this?-- Arthur Digby Sellers. DUDE
Who the fuck is that? WALTER Huh? DUDE Who the fuck is Arthur Digby
Sellers? WALTER Who the f--have you ever heard of a little show called
Branded, Dude? DUDE Yeah. WALTER All but one man died? There at Bitter
Creek? DUDE Yeah yeah, I know the fucking show Walter, so what? WALTER
Fucking Arthur Digby Sellers wrote 156 episodes, Dude. DUDE Uh-huh.
WALTER The bulk of the series. DUDE Uh-huh. WALTER Not exactly a
lightweight. DUDE No. WALTER And yet his son is a fucking dunce. DUDE
Uh. WALTER Yeah, go figure. Well we'll go out there after the, uh, the.
He waves a hand vaguely toward the stage. WALTER What have you. We'll,
uh-- DONNY We'll be near the In-and-Out Burger. WALTER Shut the fuck
up, Donny. We'll, uh, brace the kid--he'll be a pushover. We'll get
that fucking money, if he hasn't spent it already. Million fucking
clams. And yes, we'll be near the, uh--some burgers, some beers, a few
laughs. Our fucking troubles are over, Dude. RESIDENTIAL AREA The Dude
and Walter are pulling up in front of a dilapidated house sitting on a
scrubby lot. Parked incongruously in front of the house is a brand new
red Corvette. DUDE Fuck me, man! That kid's already spent all the
money! WALTER Hardly Dude, a new 'vette? The kid's still got, oh, 96 to
97 thousand, depending on the options. Wait in the car, Donny. THE
FRONT DOOR Walter rings the bell. It is opened by a matronly Spanish
woman. WOMAN Jace? WALTER Hello, Pilar? My name is Walter Sobchak, we
spoke on the phone, this is my associate Jeffrey Lebowski. WOMAN Jace.
WALTER May we uh, we wanted to talk about little Larry. May we come in?
WOMAN Jace. They enter a dim living room and stand, looking about, as
Pilar CALLS UP THE STAIRS: PILAR Larry! Sweetie! Dat mang is here!
There is a rhythmic compressor sound; Walter places it and nudges the
Dude. At the other end of the living room a man lies on something that
looks like a hospital gurney with its midsection enclosed by a
motorized stainless-steel bubble. It is an iron lung, artificially
breathing with distinct hisses in and out. WALTER That's him, Dude.
VIVA VOCE And a good day to you, sir. PILAR See down, please. WALTER
Thank you, ma'am. He and the Dude sit on a sagging green sofa. In a
lowered voice, to Pilar: WALTER Does he, uh. . . Is he still writing?
PILAR No, no. He has healt' problems. WALTER Uh-huh. HE BELLOWS ACROSS
THE ROOM: WALTER I just want to say, sir, that we're both enormous--on
a personal level, Branded, especially the early episodes, has been a
source of, uh, inspir--- There are footsteps on the stairs. Larry, a
fifteen-year- old, looks at the two men. PILAR See down, Sweetie. These
are the policeman-- WALTER No ma'am, I didn't mean to give the
impression that we're police exactly. We're hoping that it will not be
necessary to call the police. He adopts his command voice in turning to
Larry: WALTER But that is up to little Larry here. Isn't it, Larry?
Walter pops the latches on his attache case and takes out the homework,
which is now in a ziploc bag. He holds it out at arm's length,
displaying it to Larry. WALTER Is this your homework, Larry? Larry does
not respond. WALTER Is this your homework, Larry? DUDE Look, man, did
you-- WALTER Dude, please!. . . Is this your homework, Larry? DUDE Just
ask him if he--ask him about the car, man! Walter is still holding out
the homework. WALTER Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework,
Larry? DUDE Is the car out front yours? WALTER Is this your homework,
Larry? DUDE We know it's his fucking homework, Walter! Where's the
fucking money, you little brat? Throughout Walter has been staring at
Larry with the homework extended towards him. WALTER Look, Larry. . .
Have you ever heard of Vietnam? DUDE Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter!
WALTER You're going to enter a world of pain, son. We know that this is
your homework. We know you stole a car-- DUDE And the fucking money!
WALTER And the fucking money. And we know that this is your homework,
Larry. No answer. WALTER You're gonna KILL your FATHER, Larry!.
FINALLY, IN DISGUST: WALTER Ah, this is pointless. As he shoves the
homework back in the attache case: WALTER All right, Plan B. You might
want to watch out the front window there, Larry. He is heading for the
door. The Dude, puzzled, rises to follow him. WALTER This is what
happens when you FUCK a STRANGER in the ASS, Larry. OUTSIDE Walter is
striding down the lawn with his attache case like an enraged
encyclopedia salesman. Without looking back at, the Dude, who follows:
WALTER Fucking language problem, Dude. He pops the Dude's trunk, flings
in the briefcase and takes out a tire iron. WALTER Maybe he'll
understand this. He is walking over to the Corvette. WALTER YOU SEE
WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY! CRASH! He swings the crowbar into the windshield,
which shatters. WALTER YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?! CRASH! He takes out the
driver's window. WALTER THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER
IN THE ASS! Lights are going on in houses down the street. Distant dogs
bark. WALTER HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY! CRASH! WALTER HERE'S WHAT
HAPPENS! FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS! CRASH! A man in a sleeveless
T-shirt and boxer shorts has run over behind Walter and grabbed him
from behind on a backswing of the crowbar. MAN WHAT THE FUCK JOO DOING,
MANG?! He wrestles the crowbar away from the startled Walter. MAN I
JUS' BAWDEEZ FUCKEEN CAR LASS WEEK! Walter cringes before the enraged
Mexican. WALTER Hunh? The man looks about, wildly. MAN I KILL JOO,
MANG! I--I KILL JOR FUCKEEN CAR! He runs over to the Dude's car. DUDE
No! No! NO! THAT'S NOT-- CRASH! CRASH! MAN I FUCKEEN KILL JOR FUCKEEN
CAR! CRASH! MAN I KILL JOR FUCKEEN CAR! INSIDE THE CAR Glass rains in
on a terrified, cringing, Donny. MAN I KILL JOR FUCKEEN CAR! ON A
DEAFENING CRASH WE CUT TO: THE DUDE'S CAR We are looking into the car
through the broken windshield as it rattles down the freeway. Wind
whistles through the caved- in windows. The Dude drives, his jaw
clenched, staring grimly out at the road. Walter, beside him, and Donny
in the back seat, munch 'on In-and-Out Burgers. Creedence music plays
above the bluster of wind. DUDE'S BUNGALOW As the Dude talks on the
phone he is hammering a two-by-four into the floor just inside, and
parallel to, the front door. DUDE I accept your apology. . . No I, I
just want to handle it myself from now on. . . No. That has nothing to
do with it. . . .Yes, it made it home, I'm calling from home. No,
Walter, it didn't look like Larry was about to crack. He finishes
hammering, rises and grabs a straightbacked chair that stands nearby.
DUDE Well that's your perception. . . Well you're right, Walter, and
the unspoken Message is FUCK YOU AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. . . Yeah,
I'll be at practice. He hangs up and has just finished sliding the
chair into place with its top under the doorknob and its legs braced
against the two-by-four, thus wedging the door closed, when the door is
opened--outwards. The chair clatters to the floor. DUDE Huh? Woo and
the blond man who earlier peed on the rug stride in, kicking the chair
away. WOO Pin your diapers on, Lebowski. Jackie Treehorn wants to see
you. BLOND MAN And we know which Lebowski you are, Lebowski. WOO Yeah.
Jackie Treehorn wants to talk to the deadbeat Lebowski. BLOND MAN
You're not dealing with morons here. BLACKNESS Out of the blackness
something is falling toward us. It is a woman, falling in slow motion,
her limbs flailing, her mouth contorted by either fear or ecstasy. She
is topless. She falls past the camera, leaving blackness, then after a
beat reappears, rising into the night sky. MALIBU BEACH A crowd of
mostly tanned middle-aged men with blow-dried hair, wearing jogging
outfits and other expensively casual attire, are blanket-tossing the
squealing young woman in nightmarish slow motion. WIDER It is a party,
lit by festive beach lights and standing kerosene heaters. 1960's
mainstream jazz, of the Mancini- Brubeck school, has been piped down to
speakers on the beach'. In long shot now the woman rises, squealing,
disappears into darkness, descends into light, rises again. A man walks
towards the camera through the pools of beach light. He is handsome,
fiftyish, wearing cotton twill pants and a Turnbull & Asher shirt with
a foulard knotted at the neck. Behind him, the woman rises and falls,
appears and disappears. MAN Hello Dude, thanks for coming. I'm Jackie
Treehorn. INSIDE THE BEACH HOUSE The Dude is looking around at the
'60's modern decor. DUDE This is quite a pad you got here, man.
Completely unspoiled. TREEHORN What's your drink, Dude? DUDE White
Russian, thanks. How's the smut business, Jackie? TREEHORN I wouldn't
know, Dude. I deal in publishing, entertainment, political advocacy,
and-- DUDE Which one was Logjammin'? TREEHORN Regrettably, it's true,
standards have fallen in adult entertainment. It's video, Dude. Now
that we're competing with the amateurs, we can't afford to invest that
little extra in story, production value, feeling. He taps his forehead
with one finger. TREEHORN People forget that the brain is the biggest
erogenous zone-- DUDE On you, maybe. He hands him the drink. TREEHORN
Of course, you do get the good with the bad. The new technology permits
us to do exciting things with interactive erotic software. Wave of the
future, Dude. 100% electronic. DUDE Uh-huh. Well, I still jerk off
manually. TREEHORN Of course you do. I can see you're anxious for me to
get to the point. Well Dude, here it is. Where's Bunny? DUDE I thought
you might know, man. TREEHORN Me? How would I know? The only reason she
ran off was to get away from her rather sizable debt to me. DUDE But
she hasn't run off, she's been-- Treehorn waves this off. TREEHORN I've
heard the kidnapping story, so save it. I know you're mixed up in all
this, Dude, and I don't care what you're trying to take off her
husband. That's your business. All I'm saying is, I want mine. DUDE
Yeah, well, right man, there are many facets to this, uh, you know,
many interested parties. If I can find your money, man-- what's in it
for the Dude? TREEHORN Of course, there's that to discuss. Refill? DUDE
Does the Pope shit in the woods? TREEHORN Let's say a 10% finder's fee?
DUDE Okay, Jackie, done. I like the way you do business. Your money is
being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. He lives in North Hollywood,
on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger. A real fuckin' brat, but I'm
sure your goons'll be able to get it off him, mean he's only fifteen
and he's flunking social studies. So if you'll just write me a check
for my ten per cent. . . of half a million. . . fifty grand. He is
getting to his feet, but sways woozily. DUDE I'll go out and
mingle.--Jesus, you mix a hell of a Caucasian, Jackie. The Dude shakes
his head, tries to focus. TREEHORN A fifteen-year-old? Is this your
idea of a joke? Jackie Treehorn's image starts to swim. He is joined on
either side by Woo and the blond man, all three men looking grimly down
at the Dude. DUDE No funny stuff, Jackie. . . the kid's got it. Hiya,
fellas. . . kid just wanted a car. All the Dude ever wanted. . . was
his rug back. . . not greedy. . . it really. He squints at Jackie
Treehorn, who swims in and out of focus. Tied the room together. He
tips forward, spilling his drink off the table. FROM UNDER THE GLASS
COFFEE TABLE Looking up at the Dude as his face hits the glass and
squishes. FAST FADE OUT BLACK THE STRANGER'S VOICE Darkness warshed
over the Dude-- darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie
night. There was no bottom. We hear a thundering bass. SCRATCHY WHITE
TITLE CARD: JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS ANOTHER TITLE CARD: THE DUDE AND
MAUDE LEBOWSKI IN THIRD TITLE CARD: GUTTERBALLS The title logo is a
suggestively upright bowling pin flanked by a pair of bowling balls.
The bending bass sound turns into the lead-in to Kenny Rogers and the
First Edition's "Just Dropped In." The Dude is walking down a long
corridor dressed as a cable repairman. The Dude's face is washed with a
brilliant light as the corridor opens onto a gleaming bowling alley. In
the center of the alley stands Maude Lebowski, singing operatic harmony
to the Kenny Rogers song. She wears an armored breastplate and Norse
headgear, has braided pigtails, and holds a trident. The Dude stands
behind her and, pressed up against her, helps her with her
follow-through as she releases a bowling ball. The lane is straddled by
a line of chorines in spangly mini- skirts, their arms akimbo,
Busby-Berkley style, their legs turning the lane into a tunnel leading
to the pins at the end. But it is no longer a bowling ball rolling
between their legs--it is the Dude himself, levitating inches off the
lane, the tools from his utility belt swinging free. He is face down,
his arms, torpedolike, pressed against his sides. His point of view
shows the lane rushing by below, the little ball-guide arrows zipping
by. The Dude twists his body around, performing a barrel-roll so that
he is now gliding along the lane face-up. Now his point of view looks
up the dresses of the passing chorines. The Dude smiles dreamily and
does a backstroke motion so that he is once again gliding face-down. He
looks forward and his forward momentum blows back his hair. Coming at
us, as we go through the last few pairs of legs, are the approaching
pins. We hit the pins, scattering them, and rush on into black. A body
drops down into the blackness in slow motion--a topless woman,
squealing, her legs kicking. As she drops out of frame, leaving
blackness again, three men are entering from the background, emerging
into a pool of light. It is the Germans, advancing ominously, wielding
oversized shears which they menacingly scissor. The Dude, now standing
in a field of black, reacts to the advancing Germans. He turns and
runs, fists pumping. The scissoring sound of the shears turns into the
whoosh of car-bys. The field of black is punctured by headlights. The
Dude is running blearily down the middle of the Pacific Coast Highway.
Cars rush by on either side, horns blaring. With the BLOO-WHUP of a
short siren blast, a squad car with flashing gumballs pulls up. SQUAD
CAR The Dude sits in the back seat, his head lolling with the motion of
the car as he blearily sings the theme of Branded: DUDE He was
innocent. Not a charge was true. And they say he ran awaaaaaay. CHIEF'S
OFFICE The Dude is hurled against the chief's desk, which he bounces
off of, to come to rest more or less seated in a facing chair. His
wallet is tossed onto the desk. The chief leans forward, takes the
wallet and sorts through it with disgusted incredulity. CHIEF This is
your only I.D.? He is looking at the Ralph's Shopper's Club card. DUDE
I know my rights. CHIEF You don't know shit, Lebowski. DUDE I want a
fucking lawyer, man. I want Bill Kunstler. CHIEF What are you, some
kind of sad-assed refugee from the fucking sixties? DUDE Uh-huh. CHIEF
Mr. Treehorn tells us that he had to eject you from his garden party,
that you were drunk and abusive. DUDE That guy treats women like
objects, man. CHIEF Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town,
Lebowski. You don't draw shit. We got a nice quiet beach community
here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something
plain. I don't like you sucking around bothering our citizens,
Lebowski. I don't like your jerk- off name, I don't like your jerk-off
face, I don't like your jerk- off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-
off --do I make myself clear? The Dude stares. DUDE I'm sorry, I wasn't
listening. The Chief hurls his steaming mug of coffee at the Dude. It
hits him in the forehead with a thud, the scalding coffee splashing
everywhere. The Chief is already up off his chair, rounding the desk.
DUDE --Ow! Fucking fascist! The Chief slaps him twice. CHIEF Stay out
of Malibu, Lebowski! He kicks the chair out from under the Dude, and
then starts kicking at him. CHIEF Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat! Keep
your ugly fucking goldbricking ass out of my beach community! CAB The
Dude, in the back seat of a taxicab that rocks and squeaks with every
bump, is gingerly touching at sore spots on his face and scalp.
"Peaceful Easy Feeling" is on the radio. DUDE'S POV The back of the
driver, a large black man with rasta dreds under a knit cap. DUDE
Jesus, man, can you change the station? DRIVER Fuck you man! You don't
like my fucking music, get your own fucking cab! DUDE I've had a--
DRIVER I pull over and kick your ass out, man! DUDE --had a rough
night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man-- DRIVER That's it! Outta
this fucking cab! THE STREET The cab screeches over towards the curb.
Another car, oncoming, its radio blaring Metallica, speeds by. INSIDE
THE OTHER CAR It is a red convertible. The driver, singing loudly and
badly along with the radio, her hair blowing in the wind, a dreamy
smile on her face as she speeds along, higher than a kite, is Bunny
Lebowski. THE FOOTWELL On the accelerator her right foot, in an
open-toed bright red high-heeled shoe, has five painted toes. When she
downshifts her left foot enters to engage the clutch. Five more toes.
DUDE'S BUNGALOW The Dude staggers in the open front door, one hand
pressed to a lump on his forehead, and looks around. DUDE Jesus. The
place is a wreck. Furniture has been overturned, upholstery slashed,
drawers dumped. Quiet. The door to the bedroom starts to creak open.
The Dude cringes. Maude emerges from the bedroom. She is wearing a
bathrobe. MAUDE Jeffrey. DUDE Maude? She pulls open the bathrobe as she
approaches. MAUDE Love me. The Dude is stupefied. DUDE That's my robe.
THOOMP! ON THE EMBRACE WE CUT TO: BLACK After a beat, a long sigh, and
then a voice from the blackness: MAUDE Tell me a little about yourself,
Jeffrey. DUDE Well, uh. . . Not much to tell. A match is dragged across
a headboard; the Dude is lighting himself a joint. He shakes the match
out to restore blackness except for the glowing tip of the joint. DUDE
I was, uh, one of the authors of the Port Huron Statement.--The
original Port Huron Statement. MAUDE Uh-huh. DUDE Not the compromised
second draft. And then I, uh. . . Ever hear of the Seattle Seven? MAUDE
Mmnun. Click--the Dude turns on a bedside lamp. He and Maude lie next
to each other in bed. DUDE And then. . . let's see, I uh--music
business briefly. MAUDE Oh? DUDE Yeah. Roadie for Metallica. Speed of
Sound Tour. MAUDE Uh-huh. DUDE Bunch of assholes. And then, you know,
little of this, little of that. My career's, uh, slowed down a bit
lately. MAUDE What do you do for fun? DUDE Oh, you know, the usual.
Bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback. He climbs out of bed
but Maude remains in it. She wedges a pillow into the small of her back
and clasps a hand on each kneecap. She pulls her knees in toward her
chest to keep her pelvis raised. MAUDE What happened to your house?
DUDE Jackie Treehorn trashed the place. Wanted to save the finder's
fee. MAUDE Finder's fee? DUDE He thought I had your father's money, so
he got me out of the way while he looked for it. MAUDE It's not my
father's money, it's the Foundation's. Why did he think you had it? And
who does? DUDE Larry Sellers, a high-school kid. Real fucking brat. He
picks a White Russian off the bedside table. MAUDE Jeffrey-- DUDE It's
a complicated case, Maude. Lotta ins, lotta outs. Fortunately I've been
adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you
know, limber. I'm real fucking close to your father's money, real
fucking close. It's just-- MAUDE I keep telling you, it's the
Foundation's money. Father doesn't have any. DUDE Huh? He's fucking
loaded. MAUDE No no, the wealth was all Mother's. DUDE But your
father--he runs stuff, he-- MAUDE We did let Father run one of the
companies, briefly, but he didn't do very well at it. DUDE But he's--
MAUDE He helps administer the charities now, and I give him a
reasonable allowance. He has no money of his own. I know how he likes
to present himself; Father's weakness is vanity. Hence the slut. DUDE
Huh. Jeez. Well, so, did he--is that yoga? Throughout, Maude has been
lying on her back with her knees pulled in. MAUDE It increases the
chances of conception. The Dude spits some White Russian. DUDE
Increases? MAUDE Well yes, what did you think this was all about? Fun
and games? DUDE Well...no, of course not-- MAUDE I want a child. DUDE
Yeah, okay, but see, the Dude-- MAUDE Look, Jeffrey, I don't want a
partner. In fact I don't want the father to be someone I have to see
socially, or who'll have any interest in rearing the child himself.
DUDE Huh... Something occurs to him. DUDE So...that doctor. MAUDE
Exactly. What happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as
well? The Dude is staring off into space, thinking. His answer is
absent. DUDE No, the, uh, police chief of Malibu. A real reactionary. .
. So your father. . . Oh man, I get it! MAUDE What? The Dude is leaving
the bedroom. DUDE Yeah, my thinking about the case, man, it had become
uptight. Yeah. Your father-- LIVING ROOM The Dude finishes punching a
number into the phone. PHONE VOICE This is Walter Sobchak. I'm not in;
leave a message after the beep. FROM THE BEDROOM: MAUDE'S VOICE What're
you talking about? Beep. DUDE Walter, if you're there, pick up the
fucking phone. Pick it up, Walter, this is an emergency. I'm not--
WALTER Dude? DUDE Walter, listen, I'm at my place, I need you to come
pick me up-- WALTER I can't drive, Dude, it's erev shabbas. DUDE Huh?
WALTER Erev shabbas. I can't drive. I'm not even supposed to pick up
the phone, unless it's an emergency. DUDE It is a fucking emergency.
WALTER I understand. That's why I picked up the phone. DUDE THEN WHY
CAN'T YOU--fuck, never mind, just call Donny then, and ask him to--
WALTER Dude, I'm not supposed to make calls-- DUDE WALTER, YOU FUCKING
ASSHOLE, WE GOTTA GO TO PASADENA! COME PICK ME UP OR I'M OFF THE
FUCKING BOWLING TEAM! MAUDE'S VOICE Jeffrey? THE DUDE He emerges on his
front stoop, pulling on a shirt. His attention is caught by something
down the street. HIS POV A car is parked halfway down the block. We can
see the shape of a fat man in the driver's seat. THE DUDE Striding
purposefully down the street. HIS POV The fat man leans forward and we
hear the sound of the car's ignition coughing, but the engine will not
turn over. More whines and coughs; no start. The man hurriedly fumbles
in front of him. He brings up a newspaper, which he holds before his
face. THE DUDE As he gets to the car. He reaches through the open
driver's window and grabs the newspaper and hurls it to the ground. He
is revved with nervous energy. DUDE Get out of that fucking car, man!
The man nervously complies. The Dude flinches at the man's movement as
he gets out. The man cringes, reacting to the Dude's flinch. He is
wearing a cheap blue serge suit. He is bald with a short fringe and a
mustache. The Dude shouts to cover his fear: DUDE Who the fuck are you,
man! Come on, man! MAN Relax, man! No physical harm intended! DUDE Who
the fuck are you? Why've you been following me? Come on, fuckhead! MAN
Hey, relax man, I'm a brother shamus. The Dude is stunned. DUDE Brother
Shamus? Like an Irish monk? MAN Irish m--What the fuck are you talking
about? My name's Da Fino! I'm a private snoop! Like you, man! DUDE Huh?
DA FINO A dick, man! And let me tell you something: I dig your work.
Playing one side against the other--in bed with everybody--fabulous
stuff, man. DUDE I'm not a--ah, fuck it, just stay away from my fucking
lady friend, man. DA FINO Hey hey, I'm not messing with your special
lady-- DUDE She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend.
I'm just helping her conceive, man! DA FINO Hey, man, I'm not-- DUDE
Who're you working for? Lebowski? Jackie Treehorn? DA FINO The
Gundersons. DUDE The? Who the fff-- DA FINO The Gundersons. It's a
wandering daughter job. Bunny Lebowski, man. Her real name is Fawn
Gunderson. Her parents want her back. He is fumbling in his wallet. DA
FINO See? The Dude looks at the picture. It is probably a school
portrait, unmistakably Bunny, but fresh-faced, much younger looking,
with a corn-fed smile and straight Partridge Family hair and bangs.
DUDE Jesus fucking Christ. DA FINO Crazy, huh? Ran away a year ago. He
is holding out another picture. The Gundersons told me to show her this
when I found her. The family farm. A bleak farmhouse and silo are the
only features on a flat snow-swept landscape. Outside of Moorhead,
Minnesota. They think it'll make her homesick. DUDE Boy. How ya gonna
keep 'em down on the farm once they seen Karl Hungus. He hands back the
picture. She's been kidnapped, Da Fino. Or maybe not, but she's
definitely not around. DA FINO Fuck, man! That's terrible! DUDE Yeah,
it sucks. DA FINO Well maybe you and me could pool our resources--trade
information-- professional courtesy--compeers, you know-- We hear
distant yapping, growing louder with the hum of an approaching car.
DUDE Yeah, I get it. Fuck off, Da Fino. And stay away from my special
la-- from my fucking lady friend. The Dude steps out to meet Walter's
car as it pulls up, its passenger window open and the pomeranian
leaning out and yapping. DENNY'S Four people sit at a booth: Dieter,
Kieffer, Franz, all in black leather, and a young woman with long
stringy blonde hair, wearing torn and patched jeans and a ribbed
sleeveless tee-shirt, worn thin with age. She is apparently braless,
and is teutonically pale with birthmarks on her face and arms. Notable
is her camera-side leg, which ends in a bandage- swaddled foot. Dried
rust-colored blood stains the tip of the bandage. The four are arguing,
loudly, in German. They seem very unhappy. A waitress enters with a
checkpad and pen. WAITRESS You folks ready? The German shouting stops.
Dieter looks sourly up. DIETER I haff lingenberry pancakes. KIEFFER
Lingenberry pancakes. FRANZ Sree picks in blanket. The woman speaks to
Dieter in German. He nods. DIETER Lingenberry pancakes. WALTER'S CAR
Walter's eyes are on the road as he listens, driving, to the Dude,
whose speech is occasionally punctuated by yaps from the back seat.
DUDE I mean we totally fucked it up, man. We fucked up his pay-off. And
got the kidnappers all pissed off, and the big Lebowski yelled at me a
lot, but he didn't do anything. Huh? WALTER Well it's, sometimes the
cathartic, uh. DUDE I'm saying if he knows I'm a fuck- up, then why
does he still leave me in charge of getting back his wife? Because he
fucking doesn't want her back, man! He's had enough! He no longer digs
her! It's all a show! But then, why didn't he give a shit about his
million bucks? I mean, he knew we didn't hand off his briefcase, but he
never asked for it back. WALTER What's your point, Dude? DUDE His
million bucks was never in it, man! There was no money in that
briefcase! He was hoping they'd kill her! You throw out a ringer for a
ringer! WALTER Yeah? DUDE Shit yeah! WALTER Okay, but how does all this
add up to an emergency? DUDE Huh? WALTER I'm saying, I see what you're
getting at, Dude, he kept the money, but my point is, here we are, it's
shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter
of life and death-- DUDE Walter, come off it. You're not even fucking
Jewish, you're-- WALTER What the fuck are you talking about? DUDE
You're fucking Polish Catholic-- WALTER What the fuck are you talking
about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude! DUDE Yeah,
and you were-- WALTER You know this! DUDE And you were divorced five
fucking years ago. WALTER Yeah? What do you think happens when you get
divorced? You turn in your library card? Get a new driver's license?
Stop being Jewish? DUDE This driveway. AS HE TURNS: WALTER I'm as
Jewish as fucking Tevye DUDE It's just part of your whole sick Cynthia
thing. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue.
You're living in the fucking past. WALTER Three thousand years of
beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax-- YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT
I LIVE IN THE PAST! I--Jesus. What the hell happened? He is looking off
as the car slows. The Dude looks where Walter is looking. THE LEBOWSKI
MANSION Walter's car pulls up the drive into the foreground and he and
the Dude get out. Both are gaping off at the front lawn. WALTER Jesus
Christ. THEIR POV Tire treads lead across the manicured front lawn to
where a little red sports car rests with its hood crumpled into a palm
trunk. TRACKING DOWN THE GREAT HALLWAY Through the French doors at its
far end we can see Bunny, naked, briefly bouncing on the diving board
before splashing into the illuminated pool outside. Heavy metal music
filters in from a boom box by the pool. Brandt, approaching, stoops and
straightens, stoops and straightens, picking up the discarded clothes
that run the length of the hall. BRANDT He can't see you, Dude. We pull
the Dude and Walter as they approach the doors to the great study.
Walter's dog follows, stiffly waving its tail. DUDE Where'd she been?
BRANDT Visiting friends of hers in Palm Springs. Just picked up and
left, never bothered to tell us. DUDE But I guess she told Dieter.
WALTER Jesus, Dude! He never even kidnapped her. BRANDT Who's this
gentleman, Dude? WALTER Who'm I? I'm a fucking VETERAN! BRANDT You
shouldn't go in there, Dude! He's very angry! BANG--the Dude and Walter
push through the double doors into-- THE GREAT ROOM The big Lebowski
turns at the sound of the door. His wheelchair hums as he spins it
around. LEBOWSKI (bitterly) Well, she's back. No thanks to you. DUDE
Where's the money, Lebowski? WALTER A MILLION BUCKS FROM FUCKING NEEDY
LITTLE URBAN ACHIEVERS! YOU ARE SCUM, MAN! The dog yaps. LEBOWSKI Who
the hell is he? WALTER I'll tell you who I am! I'm the guy who's gonna
KICK YOUR PHONY GOLDBRICKING ASS! DUDE We know the briefcase was empty,
man. We know you kept the million bucks yourself. LEBOWSKI Well, you
have your story, I have mine. I say I entrusted the money to you, and
you stole it. WALTER AS IF WE WOULD EVER DREAM OF TAKING YOUR BULLSHIT
MONEY! DUDE You thought Bunny'd been kidnapped and you could use it as
a pretext to make some money disappear. All you needed was a sap to pin
it on, and you'd just met me. You thought, hey, a deadbeat, a loser,
someone the square community won't give a shit about. LEBOWSKI Well?
Aren't you? DUDE Well. . . yeah. LEBOWSKI All right, get out. Both of
you. WALTER Look at that fucking phony, Dude! Pretending to be a
fucking millionaire! LEBOWSKI I said out. Now. WALTER Let me tell you
something else. I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a
fake. A fucking goldbricker. He is crossing to Lebowski. WALTER This
guy fucking walks. I've never been more certain of anything in my life!
LEBOWSKI Stay away from me, mister! Walter reaches around from behind
and hoists the big Lebowski out of the wheelchair by his armpits.
WALTER Walk, you fucking phony! The big Lebowski waggles helplessly,
his rubbery feet grazing the floor like a Raggedy Ann's. The pomeranian
gaily leaps and yaps. LEBOWSKI Put me down, you son of a bitch! DUDE
Walter! WALTER It's all over, man! We call your fucking bluff! DUDE
WALTER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! HE'S CRIPPLED! PUT HIM DOWN! WALTER Sure,
I'll put him down, Dude. RAUSS! ACHTUNG, BABY!! He shoves the big
Lebowski forward and he crumples to the floor, weeping. WALTER Oh,
shit. LEBOWSKI (sobbing) You're bullies! Cowards, both of you! Walter
is abashed. The Big Lebowski flails about on the floor. WALTER Oh,
shit. DUDE He can't walk, Walter! WALTER Yeah, I can see that, Dude.
LEBOWSKI You monsters! DUDE Help me put him back in his chair. Walter
moves to comply. WALTER Shit, sorry man. THROUGH HIS TEARS: LEBOWSKI
Stay away from me! You bullies! You and these women! You won't leave a
man his fucking balls! DUDE Walter, you fuck! WALTER Shit, Dude, I
didn't know. I wouldn't've done it if I knew he was a fucking crybaby.
DUDE We're sorry, man. We're really sorry. The Dude has picked up the
Big Lebowski's plaid lap warmer and is frantically tucking it back in
around his waist and batting the dog away. DUDE There ya go. Sorry man.
Walter, puzzled, hands on hips, stands over the big Lebowski. WALTER
Shit. He didn't look like a spinal. TEN PINS Scattered at the cut. DUDE
AND WALTER Each with a beer at the scoring table. WALTER Sure you'll
see some tank battles. But fighting in desert is very different from
fighting in canopy jungle. DUDE Uh-huh. WALTER I mean 'Nam was a foot
soldier's war whereas, uh, this thing should be a fucking cakewalk. I
mean I had an M16, Jacko, not an Abrams fucking tank. Just me and
Charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball. DUDE Yeah. WALTER That's fuckin'
combat. The man in the black pyjamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.
DONNY Who's in pyjamas, Walter? WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. Not a
bunch of fig-eaters with towels on their heads tryin' to find reverse
on a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy-- VOICE HEY! The Dude and Walter
look. Quintana is bellowing from the lip of the lane, and is restrained
by O'Brien. QUINTANA What's this "day of rest" shit, man?! Walter looks
at him innocently. QUINTANA What is this bullshit, man? I don't fucking
care! It don't matter to Jesus! But you're not fooling me! You might
fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus! It's
bush league psych-out stuff! Laughable, man! I would've fucked you in
the ass Saturday, I'll fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead!
QUINTANA He makes hip-grinding coital motions as O'Brien leads him
away. QUINTANA You got a date Wednesday, man! Walter, his head cocked,
and the Dude, peeking over his shades, watch him go. WALTER He's
cracking. BOWLING ALLEY PARKING LOT Donny, Walter and the Dude emerge
from the alley, each holding his leatherette ball satchel. WALTER A
tree of life, Dude. To all who cling to it. They react to the droning
synthesizer-based technopop coming from a boom box. REVERSE Dieter,
Kieffer and Franz, in shiny black leather, stand in a line facing them
in the all-but-deserted lot. Behind them orange flames lick gently at
the Dude's car, which has been put to the torch. The orange flames glow
on the men's creaking leather. Next to the car are three motorcycles,
parked in a neat row. The Dude looks sadly at the burning car. DUDE
They finally did it. They killed my fucking car. DIETER Vee vant zat
money, Lebowski. KIEFFER Ja, uzzervize vee kill ze girl. FRANZ Ja, it
seems you forgot our little deal, Lebowski. DUDE You don't have the
fucking girl, dipshits. We know you never did. So you've got nothin' on
my Johnson. DUDE The men in black, stunned, confer amongst themselves
in German. Under his breath: DONNY Are these the Nazis, Walter? Walter
answers, also sotto voce, his eyes still on the three men: WALTER
They're nihilists, Donny, nothing to be afraid of. The Germans stop
conferring. DIETER Vee don't care. Vee still vant zat money or vee fuck
you up. KIEFFER Ja, vee still vant ze money. Vee sreaten you. He pulls
an uzi from under his coat. It glints in the firelight. WALTER Fuck
you. Fuck the three of you. DUDE Hey, cool it Walter. Walter ignores
the Dude, addresses the Germans: WALTER There's no ransom if you don't
have a fucking hostage. That's what ransom is. Those are the fucking
rules. DIETER Zere ARE no ROOLZ! WALTER NO RULES! YOU CABBAGE-EATING
SONS- OF- BITCHES-- KIEFFER His girlfriend gafe up her toe! She sought
we'd be getting million dollars! Iss not fair! WALTER Fair! WHO'S THE
FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES?!
DUDE Hey, cool it Walter. Listen, pal, there never was any money. The
big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, man, so take it up with him.
WALTER AND I'D LIKE MY UNDIES BACK! The Germans confer again, in
German. Donny is visibly frightened. DONNY Are they gonna hurt us,
Walter? WALTER 'S TONE IS GENTLE: WALTER They won't hurt us, Donny.
These men are cowards. THE CONFERENCE ENDS: DIETER Okay. Vee take ze
money you haf on you und vee call it eefen. WALTER Fuck you. The Dude
is digging into his pocket. DUDE Come on, Walter, we're ending this
thing cheap. Walter's eyes, burning with hatred, are locked on
Dieter's. WALTER What's mine is mine. DUDE Come on, Walter!. Louder, to
the Germans, as he looks in his wallet: DUDE Four dollars here! He
inspects the change in his palm. DUDE Almost five! DONNY (tremulously)
I got eighteen dollars, Dude. WALTER (grimly) What's mine is mine. With
a ring of steel, Dieter produces a glinting saber. DIETER VEE FUCK YOU
UP, MAN! VEE TAKE YOUR MONEY! WALTER (coolly) Come and get it. DIETER
VEE FUCK YOU UP, MAN! WALTER Come and get it. Fucking nihilist. DIETER
I FUCK YOU! I FUCK YOU! WALTER Show me what you got. Nihilist. Dipshit
with a nine-toed woman. In a rage, Dieter charges. DIETER I FUCK YOU! I
FUCK YOU! WALTER hurls his leather satchel. KIEFFER Watching Dieter's
charge, is caught off-guard. The bowling ball thuds into his chest and
lifts him off his feet. He falls back, his uzi clattering away. WALTER
twists away as Dieter reaches him; grabs Dieter's head in both hands;
draws Dieter's head up to his mouth, which closes on Dieter's ear. DUDE
He rushes Franz but draws up short as Franz sends out karate kicks, his
leather pants squeaking and popping. Franz gives a loud cry with each
kick; the Dude leans back, throwing his arms up, evading the kicks.
WALTER His jaw is still clamped on Dieter's ear. Dieter draws his saber
against Walter's side, drawing blood. Walter doesn't react to the
wound. Growling as Dieter screams, he worries his ear, waggling his
head with his jaws clamped. THE SABER Dieter drops it. DUDE Awkwardly
circling, evading Franz's kicks. WALTER still worrying the ear. With a
tearing sound his head and Dieter's separate. DIETER, EARLESS, SCREAMS:
DIETER I FUCK YOU! YOU CANNOT HURT ME! I BELIEF IN NUSSING! Walter
spits his ear into his face. DUDE The Dude and Franz, both now panting
heavily, have yet to establish body contact. Franz continues to kick.
FRANZ VEAKLING! WALTER draws back his fist. DIETER NUSSING! WALTER
ANTI-SEMITE! Bam!--A powerhouse blow to the middle of his face drops
Dieter for the count. DUDE AND FRANZ With a piercing shriek Franz
finally summons the nerve to charge the Dude, hands raised to deliver
karate blows. As he reaches the Dude--WHHAP--the boom box swings into
frame to smash him in the face. Its volume shoots up. Walter bashes him
a few more times over the head. The music screeches to static, then
quiet. Laid out now, Franz too is quiet. All quiet. Walter, panting,
looks around. WALTER We've got a man down, Dude. With a hand pressed to
his bleeding side he trots over to Donny, who lies gasping on the
ground. The Dude, also panting, rises and trots over. DUDE Hy God! They
shot him, Walter! WALTER No Dude. DUDE They shot Donny! Donny gasps for
air. His eyes, wide, go from the Dude to Walter. One hand still
clutches his eighteen dollars. WALTER There weren't any shots. DUDE
Then what's... WALTER It's a heart attack. DUDE Wha. WALTER Call the
medics, Dude. DUDE Wha. . . Donny-- WALTER Hurry Dude. I'd go but I'm
pumping blood. Might pass out. The Dude runs into the lanes. Walter
lays a reassuring hand on Donny's shoulder. WALTER Rest easy, good
buddy, you're doing fine. We got help choppering in. FADE OUT HOLD IN
BLACK THE DUDE AND WALTER --- They sit side by side, forearms on knees,
in a nondescript waiting area. Walter bounces the fingertips of one
hand off those of the other. They sit. They wait. A tall thin man in a
conservative black suit enters. He eyes the Dude's bowling attire and
sunglasses and Walter's army surplus, but doesn't make an issue of it.
MAN Hello, gentlemen. You are the bereaved? DUDE Yeah man. MAN Francis
Donnelly. Pleased to meet you. DUDE Jeffrey Lebowski. WALTER Walter
Sobchak. DUDE The Dude, actually. Is what, uh. DONNELLY Excuse me? DUDE
Nothing. DONNELLY Yes. I understand you're taking away the remains.
WALTER Yeah. DONNELLY We have the urn. He nods through a door. Another
man in a black suit enters to carefully deposit a large silver urn on
the desktop. DONNELLY And I assume this is credit card? He is vaguely
handing a large leather folder across the desk to whomever wants to
take it. WALTER Yeah. He takes it, opens it, puts on reading glasses
that sit halfway down his nose, and inspects the bill with his head
pulled back for focus and cocked for concentration. Silence. The Dude
smiles at Donnelly. Donnelly gives back a mortician's smile. At length
Walter holds the bill towards Donnelly, pointing. WALTER What's this?
DONNELLY That is for the urn. WALTER Don't need it. We're scattering
the ashes. DONNELLY Yes, so we were informed. However, we must of
course transmit the remains to you in a receptacle. WALTER This is a
hundred and eighty dollars. DONNELLY Yes sir. It is our most modestly
priced receptacle. DUDE Well can we-- WALTER A hundred and eighty
dollars?! DONNELLY They range up to three thousand. WALTER Yeah, but
we're-- DUDE Can we just rent it from you? DONNELLY Sir, this is a
mortuary, not a rental house. WALTER We're scattering the fucking
ashes! DUDE Walter-- WALTER JUST BECAUSE WE'RE BEREAVED DOESN'T MEAN
WE'RE SAPS! DONNELLY Sir, please lower your voice-- DUDE Hey man, don't
you have something else you could put it in? DONNELLY That is our most
modestly priced receptacle. WALTER GODDAMNIT! IS THERE A RALPH'S AROUND
HERE?! POINT DUME -- DAY It is a high, wind-swept bluff. Walter and the
Dude walk towards the lip of the bluff. Parked in the background is one
lonely car, Walter's. Walter is carrying a bright red coffee can with a
blue plastic lid. When they reach the edge the two men stand awkwardly
for a beat. Finally: WALTER I'll say a few words. The Dude clasps his
hands in front of him. Walter clears his throat. WALTER Donny was a
good bowler, and a good man. He was. . . He was one of us. He was a man
who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer explored the
beaches of southern California from Redondo to Calabassos. And he was
an avid bowler. And a good friend. He died--he died as so many of his
generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you
took so many bright flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc and
Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And Donny too. Donny who. .
. who loved bowling. Walter clears his throat. WALTER And so,
Theodore--Donald--Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your
dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the
bosom of. Walter is peeling the plastic lid off the coffee can. WALTER
the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. AS HE SHAKES OUT THE ASHES:
WALTER Goodnight, sweet prince. The wind has blown all of the ashes
into the Dude, standing just to the side of and behind Walter. The Dude
stands, frozen. Finished eulogizing, Walter looks back. WALTER Shit,
I'm sorry Dude. He starts brushing off the Dude with his hands. WALTER
Goddamn wind. Heretofore motionless, the Dude finally explodes,
slapping Walter's hands away. DUDE Goddamnit Walter! You fucking
asshole! WALTER Dude! Dude, I'm sorry! The Dude is near tears. DUDE You
make everything a fucking travesty! WALTER Dude, I'm--it was an
accident! The Dude gives Walter a furious shove. DUDE What about that
shit about Vietnam! WALTER Dude, I'm sorry-- DUDE What the fuck does
Vietnam have to do with anything! What the fuck were you talking
about?! Walter for the first time is genuinely distressed, almost lost.
WALTER Shit Dude, I'm sorry-- DUDE You're a fuck, Walter! He gives
Walter a weaker shove. Walter seems dazed, then wraps his arms around
the Dude. WALTER Awww, fuck it Dude. Let's go bowling. THE LANES THE
DUDE AND WALTER BOWLING We watch each of them glide across the floor,
release, follow through--gracefully. We have never seen them bowl
before. They are quite good. Each wears a black armband on his bowling
shirt. BAR AREA The Dude walks up to the bar. DUDE Two oat sodas, Gary.
GARY Right. Good luck tomorrow. DUDE Thanks, man. GARY Sorry to hear
about Donny. DUDE Yeah. Well, you know, sometimes you eat the bear,
and, uh. "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" has come up on the jukebox, and The
Stranger ambles up to the bar. THE STRANGER Howdy do, Dude. DUDE Oh,
hey man, how are ya? I wondered if I'd see you again. THE STRANGER
Wouldn't miss the semis. How things been goin'? DUDE Ahh, you know.
Strikes and gutters, ups and downs. The Stranger's eyes crinkle
merrily. THE STRANGER Sure, I gotcha. The bartender has put two
gleaming beers on the counter. DUDE Thanks, Gary...Take care, man, I
gotta get back. THE STRANGER Sure. Take it easy, Dude--I know that you
will. THE DUDE, LEAVING, NODS: DUDE Yeah man. Well, you know, the Dude
abides. Gazing after him, The Stranger drawls, savoring the words: THE
STRANGER The Dude abides. He gives his head a shake of appreciation,
then looks into the camera. THE STRANGER I don't know about you, but I
take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Dude,
takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes The
finals. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've
worked out pretty good for the Dude'n Walter, and it was a purt good
story, dontcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway.
Course--I didn't like seein' Donny go. But then, happen to know that
there's a little Lebowski on the way. I guess that's the way the whole
durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' it-self, down through the
generations, westward the wagons, across the sands a time until-- aw,
look at me, I'm ramblin' again. Wal, uh hope you folks enjoyed
yourselves. He brushes his hat brim with a fingertip as we begin to
pull back. THE STRANGER Catch ya further on down the trail. As we pull
away The Stranger swivels in to the bar. As his voice fades: THE
STRANGER ...Say friend, ya got any more a that good sarsaparilla?...
THE END logjammin home