bush twins volunteer for war on iraq; other politicians' children follow
Tempest
by The Dissociated Press - April 01, 2003
http://www.disinfo.com/pages/article/id3263/pg1/
President George Bush announced Tuesday that his two children--twins
Barbara and Jenna--have joined the Army in order to take part in the
military action against Iraq.
"They want to help their country," said Bush during a press conference.
"They've heard me and my administration talk about how Saddam Hussein is
a very bad man. A mad man. A sad man. Behind blue eyes. Won't get fooled
again.
"He has nucular weapons and sarin gas and anthrax and West Nile and
nerve gas and all kinds of other stuff. And he's going to use it to
destroy the world, including the greatest country in history, the one
that is closest to my heart. And after he attacks Israel, he might even
attack the United States. Of America.
"That's why my daughters have volunteered to join the Army. They're
going to put their money where my mouth is by defending this great land
of ours. I'm so proud that they're following in my footsteps by joining
the military at their country's time of need. But they won't be
defending the skies of Texas from the Viet Cong, like I did for a little
while before skipping my last year of service. They're actually going to
be in Iraq, flying troop-transport helicopters behind enemy lines. Me
and Laura call them 'our little bullet-stoppers.'"
Reached for comment at the Kappa Omega fraternity house, Jenna Bush
said, "Yeah, I'm so totally geeked about going over there! I'm sure
there's lots of mad cute guys in the Army. It's gonna be tight."
Barbara Bush commented from the payphone at the Flying Saucer Bar and
Club: "When my dad decided that American kids needed to invade Iraq, I
was like, 'I want to go!' I'm all about attacking Iraq. I mean, I can't
let other people my age kill and die for this country and, you know, not
go myself."
The actions of the First Twins evidently inspired other young members of
the Bush clan. Noelle Bush, daughter of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, has
signed up for the Air Force. At first, it appeared that Noelle's well
publicized drug arrests might prohibit her from military service, but
her father stepped in. "We've pulled strings for Noelle so many other
times," said Governor Bush, "we figured, why not this time? She wanted
to join so bad. So I called [Secretary of the Air Force] Jim Roche, and
it was a done deal."
Jeb Bush's son, George P. Bush, who famously drew comparisons to Ricky
Martin when he campaigned for his uncle, emerged from the Marine
recruitment center in Austin, Texas, brandishing his paperwork. "I'm in!
I'm a Marine!" he yelled to gathered reporters. "I'm so excited that I'm
going to serve my country. I can't wait to kick Saddam's f------ ass!"
The war fever has spread beyond the Bush family. Two of Deputy Defense
Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's three children have enlisted in the military
in the past week. Wolfowitz spoke ruefully of his younger son, Jerry,
who didn't sign up. "I'm very upset with him. I told him he's acting
like a coward. As I've constantly said for over a decade, it is
absolutely imperative that we topple Hussein and liberate Iraq. It must
be our immediate, pressing priority. Every able-bodied young American
should join this crucial fight. Refusing is like not going into the
military during Vietnam. It's unpatriotic, and I'm ashamed that I raised
such a yellow-belly."
Last night, Jerry Wolfowitz appeared on the Fox News talk show The
O'Reilly Factor to defend his decision not to join the military. As he
tried to ask why host Bill O'Reilly never served in Vietnam, O'Reilly
cut him off by yelling: "Shut up! Just shut up! You're a disgrace to
your father! I hope Mrs. Wolfowitz isn't watching this! Turn of his
mic[rophone]! Get out of my studio before I tear you to f------ pieces!"
Earlier today, Vice President Dick Cheney released a statement regarding
his oldest granddaughter, who volunteered for the Navy. It read, in
part: "Lynne and I couldn't be more proud. Although I had other
priorities during the Vietnam era, it's encouraging to see that Mary
Junior is going to fight in a war. We know she'll make us and our
country proud. We hope she comes back alive and in one piece."
Proving that the war fever is bipartisan, Chelsea Clinton volunteered
for the Marines. Senator Hillary Clinton's office released a statement:
"I fully support President Bush's policy toward Iraq. Thus, I fully
support my only child joining the fight. Her father does, as well.
Chelsea has told us that as soon as she gets back from hobnobbing with
Madonna in London, she'll be on the first troop-transport plane to the
Persian Gulf."
In related happenings, Andrew Perle has joined the Green Berets, and
Jane Rumsfeld enlisted in the explosive ordnance disposal unit of the
Marines. In an unusual twist, Ann Coulter herself tried to join the
Army, but, at age 40, she's well past the Army's maximum enlistment age
of 34. "I'm not afraid to get some blood on these pampered, manicured
hands," said the conservative commentator. "I'm not afraid to muss up
this $150 'Friends' hair-do. I really wanted to go over there, kill
Iraq's leaders, and convert the people to Christianity, but I'm too
old." Coulter added that she's so anxious to fight on the ground at the
front lines, she's filed an official request that the Army waive its age
limit and gender restrictions in her case.
--
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that
we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic
and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
Teddy Roosevelt