Lawyers

[Keith E. Sullivan]

ONLY IN CALIFORNIA

Chances are you'll be contacted by a personal injury lawyer looking for
business. In California, lawyers not only chase ambulances but patrol
cars that stop speeders. You could also simply sign onto a giant class
action suit the entire state of California is preparing against the rest
of the country, hoping to solve its financial problems through
litigation. This is the kind of thing that happens when the percentage
of lawyers in a state exceeds a critical mass.

Primetime's Mailing List <jxp...@megahertz.njit.edu>
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A LAWYER

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his rear.

Jim Gill <watmath!ihnp4!ihuxy!hdog> [rec.humor.funny.reruns]
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NO CHARGE?

A priest said, "I thought you lawyers were not in the habit of charging
clergymen for your services."

The attorney replied, "Not so... clergymen look for your reward in the
next world. We lawyers have to get it in this."

Nancy Carson <JMF...@prodigy.com>
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OKAY, HOW 'BOUT A FIVE-INCH HOLE IN THEIR CHESTS?

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show Politically
Incorrect between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who
defended the Menendez brothers:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you
absolutely don't know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.

Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

I almost fell off my chair laughing with disbelief.

Martin Soques <Martin...@amd.com> [rec.humor.funny]
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ENGINEERS & LAWYERS

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are
going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are
YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Dagny Reis <da...@netscape.com>
Mark Vershel <Mark_V...@peoplesoft.com>
Ricardo Sitchin <RSit...@nish.org>
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ACTUAL QUESTIONS POSED BY LAWYERS

"Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the 20-year-old -- how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Cyn MacGregor <Cyn...@AOL.COM>
UGA Humor List <hu...@uga.cc.uga.edu>
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TEXAS LAWYER

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which
requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of
time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is
going.

The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife
on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the
wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and
wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must
take care of.

So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and
kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains
that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her
lover.

Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts
down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a
scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.

The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies. The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do
with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the
pool?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"

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