Santa Satire
Keith Sullivan
NORTH POLE: Santa announced today that he would sell shares in his
North Pole Toy Corporation on December 24th.
"This may be the most unusual IPO in Wall Street history," said Abner
Fillbreck, chief analyst for the toy industry at Morgan Stanley
investment bankers. "I'm sure that Toys R Us will file some sort of
objection on the grounds of antitrust violations."
"We don't care if Santa wants to sell shares in his toy factory as long
as he buys all his toys from us," said a spokesman for Toys R Us.
Santa countered with an explanation that all his toys are hand-made by
elves.
"Sounds like a labor law violation to us," said the Toys R Us spokesman.
The unusual aspect of Santa's IPO is that he will take cookies and milk
in lieu of cash for stock in his corporation.
Copyright 1998 by Baja Arizona Publishing Company
Frumious Bandersnatch <http://www.bandersnatch.com/gift.htm>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FOX TO AIR "WHEN MALL SANTAS GO BAD" TV SPECIAL
The FOX television network announced that it will air a Christmas Eve
program,"When Mall Santas Go Bad," as the latest installment of their
popular specials focusing on real situations of extreme violence.
According to the special's producer, Duffy McNair, footage was assembled
from mall security cameras around the country showing terrifying
episodes with drunk, psychotic, violent and heavily armed Santas. "The
stuff we got is totally awesome showing kids in absolute terror as these
Santas start attacking them. I'm really proud of this special," said
McNair. FOX executives expect the special to set an all-time ratings
record for the network by breaking that set by their broadcast last
Spring of "Sadistic Dentists Who Drill Too Far."
Breaking News Beyond Repair <http://bobsfridge.com/skew.htm>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SANTA MAY CANCEL CHRISTMAS
Republicrats Disappoint Santa
NORTH POLE ~ Sources close to the situation, speaking under condition of
anonymity, have informed tabloid reporters that high level negotiations
between White House strategists and Santa Land ambassadors have broken
down. According to those in the know, Santa Claus has threatened to
cancel Christmas in America and take other unspecified actions unless
President Clinton addresses certain issues immediately. Santa is said
to believe that "those Republicrats are melting the North Pole with
their dark sorcery," according to reliable elves.
Elves also revealed Santa's disappointment over the many Republicrats
who have refused to resign. Despite the resignation of Newt Gingrich
and Janet Reno's secret plan to resign, Clinton and most other
Republicrats have refused to leave. Elves implied that the negotiations
with the White House began to fall apart when Santa made his
pre-halloween appearance calling for Republicrat resignations. At that
time, Santa Land ambassadors delivered a formal request to the White
House asking Republicrats to cease involvement in activities which cause
suffering for the children of the world.
Santa's official request was met with resistance from Republicrats whose
corporate sponsors would suffer a reduction in profits if certain
practices were discontinued. Most Republicrats believe a balance can be
achieved between corporate profits and the health, safety, and education
of children. In addition to arms proliferation and slave labor issues,
Santa identified a number of other issues to be addressed, including
oppressive Republicrat taxation. According to one Snow Queen, Santa
believes that the Republicrat redistribution of wealth to their
corporate sponsors causes parents to work instead of taking care of
their children and contributes to poverty, divorce, and despair.
Republicrat leaders defend corporate sponsors that engage in practices
which exploit children. Special accountants have determined that if the
multinationals discontinued using cheap slave labor in developing
nations, stock prices could plummet by as much as 3% and severe losses
would be sustained by the dictators of those nations. Global economists
cite historical evidence indicating that both General Motors and Ford
might have reduced profitability if slave labor had not been used during
World War II to produce military hardware for Hitler.
Merchants have developed contingency plans to deal with the possible
cancellation of Christmas. Confident that Republicrats will not address
Santa's requests, strip mall operators have hired hundreds of Santa
impersonators to fill in for Santa, who has not been seen in America
since October. Additional decorations have been installed in many malls
and subliminal shopping music has been piped in. Merchants are hoping
the general public will not be aware of Santa's absence and the
cancellation of Christmas. While we may not know if Christmas is being
cancelled until Christmas Eve, it is clear that there will few
Republicrat resignations in the near future.
Speculation has emerged regarding what unspecified actions Santa may
take. Some experts believe the Santa situation may be related to some
sort of cosmic cataclysm predicted to occur in December. Think tank
consultants working for the Christmas Coalition fear that Santa, who
normally intervenes in cosmic matters, may choose not to act, resulting
in psychic turmoil across America. Based on extra sensory perceptions,
astrological experts predict that the cosmic event may temporarily
transform America and cause some businesses to close for at least one
day.
p0LiTiX kNEwZ
wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ <http://members.aol.com/scariens/santa3.htm>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HO, HO, HO! SANTA CLAUS IS MISSING
By Linda Galeazzi (Editor In Chief)
December 17, 1998. Ho, ho, ho! Santa Claus is missing! Yep, according
to police in Macon, Georgia, Santa Claus mysteriously went missing last
week. But is it the REAL Santa? Of course not, dummy! Santa doesn't
really exist! And YEAH, I hope there ARE kids reading this right now!
No, the Santa that went missing has been described as a Christmas
decoration about 9 feet tall and 6 feet wide, and he was last seen at
the intersection of Cotton and Second streets in downtown Macon.
According to police, a lot of people are calling and asking about the
missing Santa, but police have thus far been unable to retrieve him.
"We've been getting a lot of calls from people asking if Christmas is
coming this year or not," says one police insider. "We just have to
tell them, 'No, sorry. You aren't getting a danged thing for Christmas
this year.' I mean, it's really funny cuz you'd be AMAZED at how many
people break down crying when we tell them that."
This decorative Santa was supposed to be unveiled during the city's
annual Christmas tree lighting this year. To make matters worse, Santa
was the first new Christmas decoration that Macon has had in more than
10 years. CyberStones suggests that Macon police keep their eyes open
for a really grinchy-looking green guy with bad teeth and an even WORSE
attitude who lives high above Macon with his little dog, Max, and likes
to talk in rhymes. The bad news is, this guy is a real bastard; the
good news is that his heart will allegedly grow to ten times its normal
size on Christmas Eve and he'll celebrate by returning Santa after
coming down Mount Crumpet shouting Who-Who! on his trumpet.
No, wait a minute. I'm thinking of Whoville. Macon? Umm, well, deal
with it: Christmas just isn't coming for you guys this year. Sorry,
but that's just the facts. He he he.
© 1998 CyberStones. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.cyberstones.com/cyberstones/news/news.html