S I G N S O F T H E T I M E S

[dcoble]

S I G N S O F T H E T I M E S

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N.C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite
had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having
parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that
read "No Stopping".

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing
letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the
law.

Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stopping means;
"extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."

"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't
extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be
dismissed."

Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the
judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "Since this is
Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."

"No Stopping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and
botched billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some
other signs that need to be re-signed:

A dentist's doorway in Istanbul: American dentist, 2th floor. teeth
extracted by latest methodists.

A hotel notice in Madrid informs: If you wish disinfection enacted in
your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid.

A London eaterie advertised for help this way: Wanted : Man to wash
dishes and two waitresses.

A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer: As for the
trout served you at the hotel monopol, you will be singing its praise
to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed.

A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions: Order now
your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on
your own ass?"

Apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at
this sign."

At a bank: Jesus saves - Why can't you?

At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

At a computer store: Out for a quick byte.

At a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If
your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

At a garden fete: Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate.

At a garden shop: "We now have kricket krap!"

At a hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

At a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.

At entrance of the IRS: Watch your step.

At fast-food place: "Parking for drive-thru customers only!"

At Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the
ninth one has just left.

At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get
gas."

At the dry cleaner's window: Drop you pants here.

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

At the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."

At the tennis club: Would spectators please be quiet during matches
and let the players raise a racquet.

At the zoo: Children found straying will be sent to the lion
enclosure.

At the zoo: Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts
or buns give them to the keeper on duty.

Billboard on road: Belt your family and save their lives.

Circus poster: Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the strongest
man in the world. In town all weak.

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."

For a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Found in a butcher's shop: These scales are accurate. No two weighs
about it.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

From a Moroccan shop entrance: "English well talking."

From a Moroccan shop entrance: "Here speeching American."

From a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been
played."

From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed
over the past two years."

In a book store: We treat you write.

In a bowling alley: Please be quiet! We need to hear a pin drop.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
Pleased to meat you.

In a cafe window: Waitresses required for breakfast.

In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In
pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

In a car dealership office: The best way to get back on your feet...
Miss a car payment.

In a certain African hotel you may choose between: A room with a view
on the sea or the backside of the country.

In a chemist's shop: We dispense with accuracy.

In a Chinese restaurant: If you are satisfactory please tell your
friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter.

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17
necks."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send
them in all directions."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more
than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but
the bull charges.

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.

In a grocery shop: Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service."

In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel: Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers.

In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your
clothes when the light goes out.

In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
lit up."

In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the
public stops taking it away.

In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In a London park: No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this
pleasure park.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but
Sunday.

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking
for birds only."

In a maternity clothes store: We are open on labor day.

In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special
shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

In a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are
welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists,
and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager."

In a non-smoking area: If we see you smoking, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action.

In a Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.

In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and
Trespassers will be violated."

In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front
desk."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking
flowers from any but their own graves."

In a pet shop: Birds going cheep!

In a picture shop: Let us put you in the picture and frame you.

In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

In a realtor's office: "Lots for little."

In a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print
underneath: With meat $12"

In a restaurant: Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see
the manager.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a sandwich shop: Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves.

In a science teacher's room: If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks,
it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

In a Sorrento hotel: Contact the concierge immediately for
informations. Please don't wait last minutes then it will be too late
to arrange any inconveniences.

In a supermarket: Prices are born here and raised elsewhere.

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits -
$10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

In a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

In a tea shop: Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run."

In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses - No waiting."

In a veterinary's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter."

In a window: Musical instruments for sale. (Sign in the window next
door) HURRAY!

In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid."

In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose."

In Acapulco hotel: THe manager has personally passed all the water
served here.

In an appliance store window: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing
machines do the dirty work.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

In an electrical shop: Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of
our dishwashers do it for you.

In an office: After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand
upside down on the draining board.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an optometrist's office: if you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In Australian hotel: In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm
the hall porter.

In beauty shop window: Dye now, gray later.

In church hall: Electrical specialist will be here on thursday morning
to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs.
followed by a light lunch.

In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end

In Egyptian hotel: If you require room service, please open door and
shout, `ROOM SERVICE!'.

In French hotel: In the event of fire the visitor, avoiding panic, is
to walk down the corridor to warn the chambermaid

In front of a garage: May we have the next dents?

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

In front of a record shop: Records for sale, for sale, for
sale........

In front of clock repair shop: Cuckoo clocks... Psychoanalyzed cheap.

In front of ice cream store: You can't beat our milk, but you can lick
our ice cream cones.

In front of magic shop: Disappeared for lunch.

In hairdresser's window: Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe
benefits.

In hardware store in Oregon: Today's special, so's tomorrow.

In health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

In Italian hotel: Do not adjust your light hanger. If you wish more
light see manager.

In Keighley restaurant: From Monday our catering assistants will be
pleased to serve customers to the vegetables.

In London pizza parlour: Open 24 hours - except 2 A.M. - 8 A.M.

In Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In office block: Lift out of order. Please use elevator.

In realtor's office: Lots for little.

In school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning
prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

In shoe store: Come in and have a fit.

In store window: Don't be fooled by imitators going out of business.
We have been going out of business longer than anyone in town.

In store window: Don't go anywhere else and be robbed....TRY US!

In Swiss hotel: Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel
bank!

In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers,
please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster
from peeling."

In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your
home."

In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other
diseases."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave
please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In the window of a dry cleaner's: Same day dry cleaning - all garments
ready in 48 hours.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife.
Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be
cheated, when you can come here?"

Notice in restaurant: Our cutlery is not medicine. So please do not
take it after meals.

Notice in the window of a fabric shop: Repairs and alterations done
here. Dying arranged.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: Due to increasing
problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with
relatives buried in the graveyard to to their best to keep them in
order.

Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins
welcome."

On a bar: Our customers enter optimistically and leave misty
optically.

On a church door: 'This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this
door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use
side door.)

On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
multi-packs."

On a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

On a farm gate: Dogs found worrying will be shot.

On a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

On a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."

On a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to
get lessons.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight
years on the same spot."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest
possible prices and workmanship.

On a movie marquee: "Now Playing: Adam and Eve. With a cast of
thousands!"

On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted
unless with child.

On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.

On a New Hampshire road: "Will build to suit, Emory A. Tuttle"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the
Episcopal Church."

On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the
fourth floor."

On a North Carolina highway: "Eat, 300 feet"

On a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most
people from 15 to 19."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on
the door - the bell doesn't work)

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On a scientist's door: "Gone fission."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take Notice: When this sign is under water
the road is impassable."

On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are
open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

On an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears
pierced."

On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

On billboard facing road in front of funeral home: Drive carefully
we'll wait.

On dairy truck: From moo to you... In an hour or two.

On dentist's houseboat: Offshore drilling.

On door of maternity ward: Push - Push - Push.

On fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

On front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog.

On Garbage Truck: Satisfaction guaranteed... Or double your garbage
back.

On newly-mown lawn: Your feet are killing me.

On Norfolk village shop: Half-day closing all day Wednesday.

On restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and
get fed up."

On restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to
the USSR, you are welcome to it."

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to
right."

On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without
permission."

On the inside of a bathroom stall: "Beware of limbo dancers."

On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to
hope for."

On the road: Men should be working!

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to
the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy

On used car lot: Second hand cars. In first crash condition.

Outside a church in Hemel Hempstead: The last world war. Where and
when will it be fought? St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday
22nd February at 7:00 P.M.

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone
welcome.

Outside a farm: Cattle please close gate.

Outside a farm: Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p do-it-
yourself.

Outside a French cafe: Persons are requested not to occupy seats in
this cafe without consuming.

Outside a furniture shop: Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices
and workmanship.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Outside a house in Sussex, England: Beware of owner... Never mind the
dog.

Outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after
being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five,
out for dinner also.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful
bargain?

Outside a smart shop: No children aloud.

Outside house in the city: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full
extent of one german shepherd.

Outside music store: Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Outside music store: Out to lunch. Usually Bach by one. Offenbach
sooner.

Outside of planetarium: Cast of thousands... Every one a star.

Outside pet shop: No dogs allowed.

Outside school: Fite illeteracy (Fight Illiteracy)

Outside tailor shop: Don't stand outside and faint ...Come inside and
have a fit!

Over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

Posted in a Scottish harbor: For sale boat single owner green in
colour.

Posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,
men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with
each other for that purpose.

Road sign: Steeple Bumstead: Left 3 Miles
Right 3 Miles
Straight Ahead 3 Miles.

Road sign: Turn right for the fairy glen. Beware of heavy lorries.

Seen at an American undertaker's: Oscar's Funeral Parlour - Where
you'll always find a smile.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. No
overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know
it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"

Seen in a college: This week's lecture: Underwater life by Peter Fish.

Seen in a Coventry Factory: Any member of staff who needs to take the
day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the
match.

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers: You can always count
on us.

Seen in a watch shop: Please wait patiently to be served. I only have
two hands.

Seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official
opening."

Seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will
result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely
prosecuted."

Seen outside a fire station: Fire station - no smoking.

Seen outside a travel agency: Why don't you go away?

Seen outside dancing academy: Please mind the steps.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists."

On a newly painted bench: Wet paint. Watch it or wear it.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's
time to wash your car."

Spotted at the railway station: Passengers are asked not to cross the
lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again.

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house: Hot and cold running in all rooms.

Spotted in a garden centre: Up these steps for the sunken garden.

Spotted in a golf club: Golfers please do not drink and drive.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below

Spotted in farmyard: Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket.

The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you: If you wish for
breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for roomservice. This will be
enough for you to bring your food up.

Traffic sign: Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.

Warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will
be drowned. By order of the district council.