Where does all this stuff come from?
Dark Shadow
Murphy's Laws of IT
1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it
to happen.
2- When you get to the point where your really understand your
computer, then it's probably obsolete.
3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.
4- When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction
6- To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a
computer.
7- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want it to do.
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The Top Least-Loved
Norman Rockwell Paintings
16> Daddy Hugging St. John: The Morning After
15> Shootin' Smack in the Bus Station Restroom
14> Some Old Guys Fartin' Around
13> Ellen and Laura Sittin' in a Tree
12> Building Pipe Bombs With Gramps
11> Whiskers Visits the Bird Shop
10> Still Life with Axe: the Artist's Wife and the Stablehand
9> Mad Dog!
8> Billy Gets Tubes In His Ears
7> Domestic Partner Marriage License
6> Sniper at the Mall
5> A Slight Miss at the Bris
4> Shaving Grandma's Corns
3> The Surprise Under Junior's Mattress
2> She'll Show You for a Quarter
and the Number 1 Least-Loved Norman Rockwell Painting...
1> Happy Birthday, Blow-Up Wanda!
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [
The Top Five List to...@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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You might be a teacher if...
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all
your holidays and summers free.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report
card.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food
group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before
being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you
could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the
moment you heard it.
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1.If a ram is a sheep, and an ass is a donkey, why is a ram in the ass
a goose?
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-- 2.If you ate your own foot, would you lose weight?
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-- 3.Do babies think adults are cute?
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-- 4.If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
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-- 5.If you unscrewed your bellybutton, would you ass fall off?
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-- 6.If you are standing directly on the line between two time zones,
and it is 12:00 on one side and 1:00 on the other, is it 12:30 where
you are standing?
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This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to SPU The
author was accepted and is now attending SPU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU,THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A
PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration.
I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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Have Fun with the IRS...
This from experiences of a former IRS employee:
During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, i've
found several harmless ways to mess with them and receive no recourse.
Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put staples
down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the
envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right
way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove
all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the
left side).
Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry
before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open
it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three
party check.
On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you
owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an
amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty
forms.
Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be
read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.
Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on
the back of a Kroger sack.
When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single
EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than
regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that
they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and
deal with your mess |:)
If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to
your half destroyed form.
Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or
the like have to be removed and put away.
Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified
and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with
the Tax Man.
These methods are only recommended when you owe money.
_______
MRSCHWOOTZ
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>> > A few months ago, the CIA had an opening for an assassin.
This highly classified position is hard to fill, requiring enormous
testing and background checks involved before an applicant can be
considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the
background checks, training and testing, the Agency narrowed the
possible choices down to 3 men, for the one available position. The
day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely
secretive job. The Agent administering the test took one of the
applicants to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a
shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could
never shoot my own wife!". "Well", says the CIA man, "you're
definitely not the right man for this job then." The second applicant
was brought to the same door and handed the gun. "We must know that
you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", the
Agent explained, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but
nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for
about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room
with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull
the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go the hell home." The Agents brought the third
applicant to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took
the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way,
the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13
shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes,
then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the
third applicant. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys
didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the
bitch to death with the chair!"
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