Home for the Holidays
Keith Sullivan
MONTPELIER, VT -- Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who
relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the
holidays, it was reported Monday. "The pudding is on the table, the
fire is roaring, and Mark is here with his family," said Lila Wilens,
mother of the unctuous, deceitful shit. "Hopefully, we'll get a chance
to go caroling while he's home, on one of the days when he's not hanging
out by the Catholic school with his binoculars." The filthy pig last
spent Christmas with his loved ones in 1995.
© Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
The Onion <http://www.theonion.com/>
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IF COMPANIES RAN CHRISTMAS
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for
their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36
hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it
anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced
steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the
first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would
interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most
everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier,
and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier
than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization'
of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang
the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would
know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted
phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for
ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files
would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national
security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the
day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device
attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an
authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would
weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling
charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster
than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let
you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
(Thanks to Daryl Hillen)
Bill Stebbins <bs...@CORNELL.EDU>
UGA Humor List <HU...@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
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HOLIDAY NEWS
by Joe Lavin
Mattel's Bag O' Satanic Rocks and Trek's Bike with Missing Parts Lead
Holiday Toy Rush
As parents fervently line up in stores to scoop up the most popular
toys, Mattel's Bag O' Satanic Rocks seems to be the favorite of children
this year. The bag of rocks painted red comes with a book of Satanic
curses and is retailing for $79.95.
"I've gone to 73 stores in thirteen states, looking for these rocks, and
now they're all mine!" Ecstatic parent Maureen O'Donnell said after
buying the hot new toy. "My Billy just loves everything about Satan. I
couldn't disappoint him."
O'Donnell was later arrested because she had allegedly assaulted eight
other customers while rushing to pick up the Bag O' Satanic Rocks. She
is expected to be released from prison on $1000 bail tomorrow.
Meanwhile, after sluggish sales over the last few years, Trek's Bike
with Missing Parts is making a dramatic comeback. "Our new model is
missing six parts, three screws, and comes with directions entirely in
Swahili. It's a real winner." A company spokesperson said.
Children Help Poor and Homeless in Beautiful Display of Christmas
Spirit; Parents Blame Hollywood
Much to the anger of their parents, nine year old Melissa Bailey and her
seven year old brother Tyrone recently began a neighborhood canned food
drive to help feed poor and homeless people in their neighborhood.
Her parents were understandably outraged. "I'll tell you what," their
father Lionel "Spike" Bailey, a convicted drug dealer and suspected
hitman, said. "Those aren't the kind of values we teach our children.
All that kindness, well, they sure didn't get that here. They got that
straight from Hollywood."
City officials confirmed that the children had been watching a heavy
dose of uplifting family programming in the past few weeks. Melissa
especially enjoyed the Christmas classic It's A Wonderful Life.
A spokesperson for Republic Pictures apologized to the family. "We wish
to reiterate that It's A Wonderful Life was merely intended as a story
and was never meant to cause such actions." Jimmy Stewart, the much
loved star of the Christmas classic, could not be reached for comment.
"My kids used to be little hooligans until all this Hollywood stuff
changed them." Mr. Bailey lamented. "I miss the old days."
Senate Votes to Redefine True Meaning of Christmas
In a 99-0 vote, the U.S. Senate agreed Monday to redefine the true
meaning of Christmas to be "all about advertising and making people
think they have to spend exorbitant amounts of money even if they don't
really have all that much money in the first place."
Vice President Al Gore expressed the Administration's support for the
bill. "This is an important bill that we all desperately need in order
to make America a stronger country." Gore said on the phone from his
office. "Hey, while I have you, would you be interested in donating
some money to the Democratic Party?" He added.
BMW to Premiere New Sled This Christmas
In a unique marketing campaign, BMW has signed international star Santa
Claus to help promote its new Luxury series of reindeer sleds. Look
closely this Christmas when Santa lands on your roof, and you will
notice that he is not driving just any old reindeer sled. He will be
driving a state of the art Luxury Sled. "This is by far the finest in
reindeer sled design." A BMW spokesperson said.
Most analysts have been impressed with the new campaign which is
targeted at yuppies with small children. "Well, aside from Michael
Jordan, they couldn't have gotten a more popular spokesperson." One
insider exclaimed.
Thousands of Young Children Expected to Make Startling Discovery This
Christmas
Last Christmas Eve, seven year old Ashley Walker sneaked out of her room
and discovered that one of her most fervently held beliefs was
completely wrong. As she spied on her father putting together her brand
new ten speed bike, she finally realized that her father really wasn't
that polite a man after all and was quite capable of using words such as
"f@%^", "s%&#" "F*&%ing c@#$%#&*er of a f%^&ing bike!"
Every year, thousands of children just like Ashley sneak into the living
room on Christmas Eve and discover that their parents who had always
seemed so nice can actually swear like a real motherf&^%$er when it
comes to putting together Christmas presents. "That's okay." Ashley,
now eight, said. "I still love my Daddy even if he sure can be one real
#$%&*%&#@ sometimes."
Copyright 1997 by Joe Lavin <j...@joelavin.com>