[Fwd: Submit: Halloween Riddles]
Stan Kegel
What did the vampire say to the English teacher
See you next period. (By Richard Lederer) •
What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
A horrible par a dox (By Gary Hallock) •
Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter?
He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart
because steaks were too expensive.(By Jeff P. Symonds)•
Why couldn't the witch have babies?
Because here husband has crystal balls (Joke Center)•
What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts?
A Scare-ousel (By Stan Kegel) •
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat. (From C C Jokes)
What do you call two witches that live together?•
Broommates (Kassondra, 11)
What did Dracula say about his girl friend?
It was love at first bite. (Maria, 10) •
What does a vampire put on when he gets out of the bathtub?
His bat robe (Iris, 15) •
Why did the vampire brush his teeth?
He had bat breath. (Andres, 9)•
.What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on
Halloween?
Ghoul-aid ( By Trinitty) •
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Clynch Varnadore) •
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body. (By Clynch Varnadore) •
What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there
is a full moon?
A Were-doe (By Stan Kegel) •
How do you say goodbye to a vampire?
So long, sucker (Mike Peters)•
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path. (Gr8 Humor)•
Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
Because he has a Hallo-weenie. ( By Trinitty)
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle. (From C C Jokes)
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch! (Quickies)•
What do you call a panty raid on a coven?
An embarrassment of witches.. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)•
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts. (By Jeff P. Symonds)•
What do you call a middle eastern exotic dancing mummy?
A gauza stripper (By Gary Hallock) •
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on. (C C Jokes) •
How do you tell if a ghost is lying?
You can see right through him. (Iris)•
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers. (By Clynch Varnadore) •
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos. ( By Trinitty) •
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos! (Daily Groaner)
What is a ghost's favorite ice cream flavor?
Boo-berry. (By Lars Hanson)
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer. (By Clynch Varnadore)•
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves... (By Jackie Holle)•
What did the momma ghosT say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt .(From Ernie)
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From C C Jokes)
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A Boo-logna sandwich. (By Jeff P. Symonds)
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with. ( By Trinitty) •
What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson).•
What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties (By Gary Hallock) •
Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms (By
Randall Woodman) •
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein. (By Clynch Varnadore) •
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with... (By Jackie Holle) •
What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school?
A Dead Give-away (By Stan Kegel) •
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist. ( By Trinitty) •
What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to. (By Jeff P. Symonds)•
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror. (From C C Jokes) •
What was the werewolf's first name?
Harry (By Gary Hallock) •
What's a broom?
Witch craft. (By Lars Hanson) •
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.(By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line. ( By Trinitty) •
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.(By Jackie Holle)•
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch. (From C C Jokes) •
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked! (Jakk Bass)•
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Spookgetti! (Jakk Bass)
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror. (Jakk Bass)•
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin! (Jakk Bass)
What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones. (Jakk Bass)•
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch. (From C C Jokes) •
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a. ( By Trinitty)
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos. (By Clynch Varnadore)
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo! (By Jeff P. Symonds)
Who is the witches favorite singer?
Robert Ghoulet (By Stan Kegel) •
Who was the most famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans. (Trinitty) •
Who was the most famous witch detective?
Warlock Holmes (Trinitty) •
Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones. (Trinitty) •
ho was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart (Trinitty) •
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo (By Randall Woodman) •
Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Erie, off course. (By Norman Gilbert) •
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray. (By Clynch Varnadore)
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank. (From C C Jokes) •
Why would you expect a snappy comeback from a mad scientist?
They are known for their quick retorts. (By Lars Hanson) •
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?" (By Jackie Holle) •
Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building. ( By Trinitty) •
"What do you call an empty hot dog?"
"A hollow weenie." (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson).•
How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels (By Jeff P. Symonds).•
Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson).•
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.. (By Jackie Holle). •
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines (Bunch o'Jokes Club) .•
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps (By Gary Hallock) •
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights. (From C C Jokes)
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula. (By Clynch Varnadore)
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck. ( By Trinitty) •
What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet (By Jeff P. Symonds)•
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster? (By Randall Woodman)
What kind of car do the German scientist drive who clone sheep?
Vee Double Ewe (By Gary Hallock)
If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits (By Stan Kegel) •.
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." (From C C Jokes)•
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore) •
Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get ahead in life. ( By Trinitty) •
Where do corpses eat lunch?
At the cadaver-teria (By Cynthia MacGregor) •
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
It's good for the bones (By Jeff P. Symonds)
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!" (From C C Jokes) •
How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark?
They use jackal lanterns. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)•
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by
it's diameter?
Pumpkin Pi. (By Norman Gilbert) •
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures. ( By Trinitty) •
How did the ghost repair his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch. (By Clynch Varnadore)•
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein... (By Jackie Holle) •
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat. (From C C Jokes) •
Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo. ( By Trinitty)
After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back
from the drugstore?
Prints of darkness (By Gary Hallock) •
Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank (By Jeff P. Symonds)
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream. (By Clynch Varnadore) •
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates. ( By Trinitty) •
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone.. (By Jackie Holle).
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin (By Gary Hallock) •
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends... (By Jackie Holle) •
What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains?
Hungarian Ghoul Ash? (By Gary Hallock) •
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?" (From C C Jokes)
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license. ( By Trinitty)
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".(Bunch O’ Jokes Club)
What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
They boo-kle their seatbelts (By Clynch Varnadore)
Why don't skeletons play music in church?
Because they have no organs! (By John Walsh)•
What did the witch's angry cat do?
It flew off the handle (By Menangerie)
What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?
A lab. (By Lars Hanson)
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath... (By Jackie Holle)
After watching an undertaker, how might you describe someone's death?
As a fit of coffin. (By Lars Hanson)•
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in. (From C C Jokes) •
What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream. ( By Trinitty) •
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club) •
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane.. (By Jackie Holle).•
How did the witch get around when her broomstick broke:?
She witch-hiked. (From MAL)•
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation... (By Jackie Holle)•
What do you call a little monsters parents?
Mummy and deady ( By Trinitty) •
Where do ghosts go shopping?
In Boo-tiques. (From C C Jokes) •
What is Transylvania?
Dracula's terror-tory (By Jeff P. Symonds)•
What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist. (By Clynch Varnadore)
How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of
humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.
What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)•
Whom did the zombie invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up. (From C C Jokes) •
What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE. ( By Trinitty)
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club)
What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet. (By Clynch Varnadore)
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds... (By Jackie Holle)
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich... (By Jackie Holle)•
How do Halloween spooks learn to be so scary?
They attend ghost graduate school. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)•
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From Bunch of
Jokes Club)•
How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes. ( By Trinitty)
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Norman Gilbert)
What kind of vehicle does Satan drive?
A Cadillac Devil (By Gary Hallock)
Why is the witch like a candle?
They are both wicked. (From C C Jokes)
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore)
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetite! (From Placebo Page)
What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem. ( By Trinitty)
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball... (By Jackie Holle)
What does a vampire fear most?
Tooth decay (By Jeff P. Symonds)
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet. (From C C Jokes)
What can't you give the headless horseman?
A headache. ( By Trinitty)
When you die and come back as a hillbilly, what's it called?
Re-Intarnation (By Gary Hallock) •
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend (By Clynch Varnadore)
Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang club. ( By Trinitty)
What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to place a
hex on a taxicab?
A spell checker (By Gary Hallock) •
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
PUMP-kin (From The Placebo Page)
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray (By Clynch Varnadore)
How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Give him screws. ( By Trinitty)
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite... (By Jackie Holle)
Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
In law school... (From C C Jokes)
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They all come out at night. ( By Trinitty)
Why is Dracula a good date?
His idea of foreplay is a little 'necking'! (By Clynch Varnadore) •
How can you help a stop a Jack-o-lantern from smoking
Make him wear a pumpkin patch. (By Gary Hallock) •
What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.(By Gary Hallock) •
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash (By Gary Hallock) •
What kind animal do you not want to play cards with
Cheetahs & sharks (By Gary Hallock)
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away (By Gary Hallock) •
What does Mister Hyde call his flashlight?
A Jeckyl lantern(By Gary Hallock) •
Where does Dracula not eat dinner at Halloween?
Steak & Ale - Red cross - Blood bank (By Gary Hallock) •
Where do you go for a hot dog & beer on Halloween?
Frank & Stein - Hoppy hollow weenie (By Gary Hallock) •
Why are there always so many extra chairs at funerals?
Those are placed there by the mortician for rigor mortis set in. (By
Gary Hallock)•
Is it okay to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
No, the fingers should be eaten separately. (By Gary Hallock) •
What kind of vehicle does Dracula drive?
A Steak truck or a Batmobile (By Gary Hallock)•
What kind of car does an un-dead person drive?
A Zom- B M W (By Gary Hallock) •
What kind of cars do an undertaker and his wife drive?
His'n hearse (By Gary Hallock) •
What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains?
Hungarian Ghoul Ash? (By Gary Hallock)
Dracula's TV had a sex change operation. What brand is it now?
Trans- Sylvania (By Gary Hallock)
What kind of crackers do werewolves eat?
Pentagram crackers (By Gary Hallock)
Why would the werewolf change if you pull down his pants?
Because there was a full moon (By Gary Hallock) •
Why did Frankenstein look especially ugly when he was being recharged?
He was revolting (By Gary Hallock) •
What do you call it in a cartoon when you bring a dead roll of toilet
paper back to life?
Re-animated tissue (By Gary Hallock) •
Why was there an electric spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
He couldn't resistor (By Gary Hallock) •
Which angel brought Frankenstein back to life
The arc angel (By Gary Hallock) •
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit on the ground?
It's saliva!! It's saliva!! (By Gary Hallock) •
What kind of rubbers did Dracula wear?
Ghoul loshes (By Gary Hallock) •
What horror film did Wilt Chamberlain resemble after sex?
The incredible shrinking man. (By Gary Hallock) •
The mummy asked his maker, ""How do I exist?" What was the answer?
Just be gauze (By Gary Hallock) •
What's a mummy's favorite kind of music?
Rap (By Gary Hallock)
Who haunts daytime talk show hosts?
Phantom of the Oprah? (By Gary Hallock)
Who is an Italian grave diggers favorite singer?
Barry Manilow (By Gary Hallock) •
Why did the undercover drug cop's arms fall off when he kept falling
asleep on the job?
He had narco-leprosy (By Gary Hallock)
What kind of a coroner falls asleep on a dead body?
Narco-necropheliac (By Gary Hallock)
Who was the famous female corpse who rode naked on a horse?
Lady Cadaver (By Gary Hallock)
What can you say about the likeableness of a ghoul?
Zombie nice, Zombie not so nice (By Gary Hallock)
What do you call it when a ghoul goes sleepwalking?
Zombnambulation (By Gary Hallock)
How did Dracula introduce his wife before he married her?
This is my ghoul-fiend (By Gary Hallock)
What do you get if you cross a fake chocolate moose with the ghost of an Elk?
Carob -BOO! (By Gary Hallock)
What do you get if you cross a jackall with a sheep and a seagul?
A Jackall-lamb-tern (By Gary Hallock)
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck. (By Gary Hallock)
You are taking photographs in a haunted house and you spot a ghost. He
agrees to have his picture taken but your camera fails to flash. What's
the problem?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. (By Gary Hallock) •
What kind of pasta do ghosts eat?
Spook-ghetti (By Gary Hallock)
Do witches work a seven day weeks
No. They take wickens off (By Gary Hallock)
How do witches get around when their broomsticks are broken?
They witch-hike (By Gary Hallock)
How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches. (By Gary Hallock)
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines. (By Gary Hallock)
Why did the vampire not call the ghoul back for a second date?
She wasn't his type?
Too vein (By Gary Hallock)
What do you call an Afro-American sex pervert who likes dead people?
Negro - philiac (By Gary Hallock)
What's the name of the vampire duck?
"Drakeula." (By Gary Hallock)
What do you call a cross-dressing vampire?
"Dragula." (By Gary Hallock)
What do you call someone who shares a coffin with another corpse?
A cream - mate (By Gary Hallock)
Why did the vampire join the police force ?
So he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout. (By Gary Hallock)
Where do they cremate seductive women?
On vamp pyres. (By Gary Hallock) •
What did the exorcist do to keep in shape?
He rode an exorcycle. (By Gary Hallock)
Why couldn't the male witch get into the coven meeting?
All the doors warlocked. (By Gary Hallock) •
When the witch is staying at a hotel and gets hungry, who does she call?
Broom Service. (By Gary Hallock)
Why didn't the skeleton attend the banquet?
Because he has no body to go with.
He didn't have the stomach for it (By Gary Hallock) •
How do you make a zombies eyes light up?
Stick a flashlight in his ear (By Gary Hallock)
What do you call a zombie with half a brain?
Gifted. (By Gary Hallock)
How many zombies does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter. They're never going to see the light? (By Gary
Hallock)
How do you give a zombie a brain transplant?
Blow in his ear (By Gary Hallock)
What does a zombie call his parents?
Zommie & Dead-dy (By Gary Hallock)
What school do ghosts attend after they graduate from high school?
BOO - niversity (By Gary Hallock)
When they finish 4 years at the BOO - niversity where do spooks go or
even more education?
Ghost graduate school. (By Gary Hallock)
What do you call the ghosts of dead turkeys?
Gobblins (By Gary Hallock)
Why was the Zombie surprised when his ghoulfiend showed up for their
date at 11pm?
He didn't ex-SPECTRE until midnight (By Gary Hallock)
Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
They knew he wouldn't show up. (By Gary Hallock)•
Why can't you see the invisible man's mother and father?
They're trans-parents (By Gary Hallock) •
When he was a teenager, why didn't the invisible man hang out with his friends?
Too much disappear pressure (By Gary Hallock)
How do the corpses people in graveyards send messages to each other?
Crypt-o-grams (By Gary Hallock)
How do we know that the mummy was an egotist?
He was all wrapped up in himself. (By Gary Hallock) •
Why does Dracula fill his coffin with ice in July and August?
Everyone likes a cool bier on a hot day. (By Gary Hallock) •
What do little devils brush their teeth with?
Imp-U-Dent (By Gary Hallock)
What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones (By Bill Stubbins)•
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
White Pillowcases (By Bill Stubbins)
What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
Frankenfurters with Ketchup (By Bill Stubbins)
Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job. (From Joke of the Day)
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them. (From Joke of the Day)
Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want Gore in 2000. (From Joke of the Day)
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies. (From Joke of the Day)
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always a goblin. (From Joke of the Day)
Where do most ghosts live?
In North and South Scarolinas. (From Joke of the Day)
Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type. (From Joke of the Day)
What kind of car does Dracula drive?
The bloodmobile. (From Joke of the Day)
What does Dracula get when he doesn't brush his teeth
Bat breath. (From Joke of the Day)
What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
Scream of wheat! (From Joke of the Day)
What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs. (From Joke of the Day)
If Glen Miller was a vampire and he had a phone number what would itbe?
Transylvania 6,5000. (Syman Hirsch) •
If Carly Simon was a vampire, what would her song be?
You're so vein. (Syman Hirsch) •
If Tony Bennett was a vampire what would his song be?
I left her heart in San Francisco. (Syman Hirsch) •
Why are teenage vampires a pain in the neck?
They refuse to clean their tombs. (Syman Hirsch)
Who's a vampire's favorite publisher?
William Randolph Hearse. (Syman Hirsch) •
Why did a vampire go to Scotland?
He wanted to find the Long Neck Monster. (Syman Hirsch)•
What is a vampire's all time favorite poster?
Take a bite out of life. (Syman Hirsch)
Who did the mortician invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up! (Stan Kegel)
Why did the ghost take his family on a elevator ride every day?
To raise their spirits. (Gr8 Humor)
Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school??
Because his heart wasn't in it. (Irene A. Mystery)
What do you call a skeleton who tells jokes?
A funny bone! (Irene A. Mystery)
What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
A Skele-tan. (Irene A. Mystery)
Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell! (Myrrdin
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops! (Myrrdin)
Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy! (Myrrdin)
Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul! (Myrrdin)
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one. (J. Bock)
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skullptures! (J. Bock)
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer. (J. Bock)
What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster (J. Bock)
What's a vampire's favorite candy?
A sucker! (J. Bock)
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone (J. Bock)
How sick was the hospitalized vampire?
He was in grave condition. (James D. Ertner)
Why was the vampire disappointed when he came to the country road?
He was looking for a major artery. (James D. Ertner)
What do vampires do at blood banks?
They make withdrawals. (James D. Ertner)
Halloween Costume ideas:
A pair of fuzzy dice with a map (Pair-'a-dice-lost) or an MD with fangs
and a cape (Doc-ula) (The Pun Page)
What Canadian province do witches love?
"New Broomstick" (Norm Gilbert)
How did Frankenstein’s monster win the election?
He got all the volts. (Edward, 10)
Contrary to popular opinion, demon owners are a very neighbourly bunch.
With fiends like these, who needs animus? (Megan Waves)
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos (Susie Mundy)
What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
Ghost-Cards! (From Joke of the Day)
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers (From The Daily Giggle)
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack (From The Daily Giggle)
What's the part of a restaurant where vampires don't suck blood?
The non-Suckers section. (From The Daily Giggle)
Where do ghosts buy their food?
At the ghost-ery store. (From The Daily Giggle)
Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office. (From The Daily Giggle)
What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster. (From The Daily Giggle)
What do you get if you cross sleeping beauty & Dracula?
Iron poor blood. (From The Daily Giggle)
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone. (From The Daily Giggle)
What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern. (From The Daily Giggle)
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line. (From The Daily Giggle)
What do you call Count Dracula's cookout?
Vampire campfire. (From The Daily Giggle)
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin. (From The Daily Giggle)
Why did the impotent guy date the witch?
Because she always scared him stiff! (From Original Sin)
Why did the ghost get a gun?
He wanted to be a deer haunter! (By Louise & Mike Gourdoux)
What do cows do on halloween night?
Trick or teat! (By Louise & Mike Gourdoux)
People who play the stock market get happy on haloween. Why?
Its ticker treat night! (By Louise & Mike Gourdoux)
Why did the ghost become a sailor?
He wanted to haunt for buried treasure! (By Paul Croft)
What would you find on a haunted beach?
(By Paul Croft)A sand witch.
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty." (By Paul Croft)
What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft. (By Paul Croft)
What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers. (By Paul Croft)
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk. (By Paul Croft)
What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet (By Paul Croft)
What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank. (By Paul Croft)
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome. (By Paul Croft)
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back. (By Paul Croft)
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom. (By Paul Croft)
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos. (By Paul Croft)
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops! (By Paul Croft)
What goes "Oob, oob!"
A ghost in reverse. (By Paul Croft)
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out. (By Paul Croft)
When is it bad luck to see a black cat
When you're a mouse. (By Catherine Shoemaker)
Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to "THE OTHER SIDE" (The Postman)
What did one exasperated spook say to the other when he found he had
suddenly become visible?
It just ghost to show you! (By Cynthia MacGregor) •
What do you call a ram who practices witchcraft?
A woollock.(By Cynthia MacGregor) •
What famous figure is suggested by a hot dog and a mug of beer?
Frank 'n' stein (By Cynthia MacGregor) •
What Halloween staple is suggested by an animal similar to a hyena
proceeding through the jungle with a torch in hand?
Jackal lantern (By Cynthia MacGregor)•
What do you call a mischevous ghost who terrorizes the chicken house?
A poulterygeist. (By Ken Pinkham) •
What did Sylvester Pussycat, dressed up as Elmer Fudd, say when Tweety
Bird answered the door?
Twick or Tweety. (By Ken Pinkham) •
What kind of music do most ghosts prefer?
Haunting melodies. (By Ken Pinkham) •
Why couldn't the Ghoul understand the message the corpse was trying to
tell him?
It was encrypted. (By Ken Pinkham) •
Who delivers spooks' mail?
The U.S. Ghostal Service (By Cynthia MacGregor) •
Will a wraith ever be elected President?
He doesn't stand a ghost of a chance. (By Cynthia MacGregor) •
What's a Hungarian ghost's favorite dish?
Ghoulash (By Cynthia MacGregor) •
How did the ghost who didn't have a driver's license hurt his toes?
He got them caught in the spooks of his bicycle. (By Cynthia MacGregor) •
Where does Dracula stay when in New York?
The Vampire State Building (By Lars Hanson)•
See that old lady?
Witch one? (By Lars Hanson) •
What Hallowe'en movie starred Paul Newman?
"Ghoul Hand Luke" (By Lars Hanson)•
What movie was about a Jamaican Hallowe'en?
"Ghoul Runnings" (By Lars Hanson) •
Did you know that Satan has his own TV show?
Nick at Nite (By Lars Hanson) •
Did you know that Dracula has his own TV show?
Nip at Nite. (By Lars Hanson) •
What is a ghost's favorite ice cream?
Boostachio (By Lars Hanson) •
What is the capital of a hypnotic state?
Trance-ylvania (By Tiff Wimberly) •
What is the name of the condition when a vampire bites a victim before
the victim is ready?
Premature edraculation. (By Tiff Wimberly) •
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail?
Wherewolf (By Tiff Wimberly) •
What is a ghost's favorite pie flavor?
Booberry (By Lars Hanson) •
What is a Honolulu ghost's favorite drink?
A Boo Hawai'ian (named for his favorite movie) (By Lars Hanson) •
Many holidays always fall on a Monday. What day of the week does
Halloween always fall on?
Frightday.(By Cynthia MacGregor)•
Who knocks on your door selling Halloween cookies?
Ghoul Scouts (Ken Pinkham)•
What was the breakfast favorite at the haunted house?
Ghost Tosties (Ken Pinkham)•
What do you call witches born just after WWII?
Baby Broomers (Ken Pinkham)•
"What's the organ most often removed along with a zombie's appendix?
The ghoulbladder." (Tyler Kaus)•
What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck. (JB)
Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school. (JB)
Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie! (JB)
Where does a girl ghost go to get her hair done?
To the BOOty Parlor! (JB)
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." (JB)
Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves. (JB)
Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor. (JB)
Who is the Dracula's super hero girl friend?
Bat Ghoul! (JB)
Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very meeewsical! (JB)
Why are vampires Democrats?
They want Gore in 2000! (JB)
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies. (JB)
Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
Because he was all wrapped up! (JB)
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack. (JB)
What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A blood vessel (Gr8 Humor)•
What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why did the witch's mail rattle?
It was a chain letter. (Irene A. Mystery)
How do you make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours. (Irene A. Mystery)
What does a sorceress wear?
A bewitching outfit. (Irene A. Mystery)
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech. (Irene A. Mystery)
How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
By witchful thinking. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why did the wizard mix things in his cauldron?
His microwave was being repaired! (Irene A. Mystery)
Why don’t ghosts ever go on dates?
Women see right through them. (Mike Peters)
How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
Do you want to go for a bite? (The Humor Network)
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin? (Gail Angel)
Where do vampires find their victims?
In any neck of the woods (James D. Ertner)
How do we know Dracula never got married?
Because he was a bat-chelor. (James D. Ertner)
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.. (Jakk Bass)
What does a witch ask for when she is in a hotel?
Broom service! (Jakk Bass)
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane... (Jakk Bass)
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat (Jakk Bass)
What surgery does a vampire doctor perform?
Fly by night operations (William Brabant)
What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House?
Home Moaner's Insurance.(William Brabant)
How does a monster score a football touchdown?
He runs over the ghoul line (William Brabrant)
What is Transylvania's national sport?
Drac racing (William Brabant)
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body (William Brabant)
Did you hear what happened to the boy and girl vampires?
They loved in vein (William Brabant)
Why do mummies make good employees?
They get all wrapped up in their work (William Brabant)
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in (William Brabant)
What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
"Ghoul!" (William Brabant)
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind. (William Brabant)
How do you tell the difference between a male skeleton and a female
skeleton?
The female skeleton wears a diamond ring. (William Brabant)
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A toasty ghosty. (William Brabant)
What do you call a skeleton who tells jokes?
A funny bone! (William Brabant)
How do you make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours. (William Brabant)
How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
By witchful thinking. (William Brabant)
What do you call a stupid skeleton?
Bone head (William Brabant)
Is it true that a vampire can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch?
Yes, but it depends on how fast you carry it! (Voodoo Donkey)
Why did the black cat have a hard time living with the twin witches?
He could never tell which witch was which! (Voodoo Donkey)
What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A wash and wearwolf! (Voodoo Donkey)
What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships. (The Joker Autobot)
What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster. (The Joker Autobot)
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back. (The Joker Autobot)
What's a monster's favorite bean? (The Joker Autobot)
A human bean. (The Joker Autobot)
How can you tell that a vampire is lazy?
He uses leeches. (The Joker Autobot)
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. (The Joker Autobot)
Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them up all day. (The Joker Autobot)
Which songs does Dracula hate?
"You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on My Shoulders." (The Joker Autobot)
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper. (The Joker Autobot)
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright. (The Joker Autobot)
What haunts your house and honks?
Poultergeese (The Joker Autobot).
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie. (The Joker Autobot)
What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
Sheet music. (The Joker Autobot)
Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before Halloween?
To get a BOOster shot. (The Joker Autobot)
What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling. (The Joker Autobot)
What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box (The Joker Autobot).
Why did the mummy keep his Band-Aids in the refrigerator?
He wanted to use them for cold cuts. (The Joker Autobot)
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A sour-puss. (The Joker Autobot)
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now. (The Joker Autobot)
Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a second hand store (The Joker Autobot).
Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back! (The Joker Autobot)
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing. (The Joker Autobot)
Where do most werewolves live?
In Howllywood, California. (The Joker Autobot)
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet. (The Joker Autobot)
Why were there screams coming from the kitchen?
The cook was beating the eggs. (The Joker Autobot)
What is a vampire's least favorite meal?
Stake! (Bill Stebbins)
What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
The bats and the double-headers(Bill Stebbins)
How did the monster predict his future?
With a horror-scope.(Bill Stebbins)
What did the monster do when he lost his hand?
He went to a second hand store. (Bill Stebbins)
What are a spook's two favorite rides at the fair?
The roller ghoster and the merry ghoul round. (Bill Stebbins)
What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
It was all in vein. (Bill Stebbins)
What is in the red blood cells of monsters?
Hemogoblin ! (Bill Stebbins)
What spook lives in the "hundred acre wood"?
Winnie the Boo (Bill Stebbins)
Where do ghosts keep their cars?
In a mirage. (Bill Stebbins)
What is the hardest thing to sell to a mummy?
Life Insurance. (Bill Stebbins)
How do you keep a skeleton from laughing?
Take away his funny bone! (Bill Stebbins)
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
Neck tarines (Bill Stebbins)
Why didn't the ghoul win at poker?
He didn't have a ghost of a chance (Bill Stebbins).
What performers do vampires enjoy the most at the circus?
The jugulars (Bill Stebbins)
What do spooks call their Navy?
The ghost guard. (Bill Stebbins)
What do you call a mummy who eats cookies in bed?
A crumby mummy! (Bill Stebbins)
Why do Casper's phone bills tend to be so high each month?
He is always calling ghost-to-ghost. (Bill Stebbins)
Who was the smartest monster maker?
Dr. Frank Einstein (Bill Stebbins)
What two types of music do mummies like best?
Rag time and Wrap (Bill Stebbins).
What do ghosts enjoy for lunch?
Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies & a salad with boocheese
dressing. (Bill Stebbins)
What does Dracula always say to his victims afterwards?
"Fangs"! (Bill Stebbins)
What flies through the night, has a black cape, and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape. (Bill Stebbins)
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back". (Bill Stebbins)
What kind of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?
High spirits !!! (Bill Stebbins)
What do they call the heaviest female phantom?
The "ghostess with the mostess". (Bill Stebbins)
When does a ghost need a license?
During "haunting" season. (Bill Stebbins)
What rule does a polite little ghost always obey?
Don't spook until spooken to. (Bill Stebbins)
What is a vampire's favorite flavor of ice cream?
Veinilla (Bill Stebbins)
Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting?
He was all tied up. (Bill Stebbins)
In what room of the house would you never find a ghost?
The living room. (Bill Stebbins)
What kind of candy won't a ghost ever touch?
Lifesavers (Bill Stebbins)
What do ghosts say when they hear great jokes like these?
Booooo!!! (Bill Stebbins)
What is the most important safety rule for witches?
Don't fly off the handle! (Bill Stebbins)
What kind of car do ghosts drive?
A "Booick"!!! (Bill Stebbins)
Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!!! (Bill Stebbins)
What time is it when ghosts haunt your house?
Time to get a new house!!! (Bill Stebbins)
What does a witch use to keep her hair in place when she flies?
Scare spray!!! (Bill Stebbins)
What kind of Halloween monster can clear a table full of food in only
10 seconds?
A Goblin!!! (Bill Stebbins)
What kind of gum do ghosts like?
Booble gum!!! (Bill Stebbins)
How do you know a vampire is getting a cold?
When he starts coffin!!! (Bill Stebbins)
What famous giant ghost monster battled King Kong?
Boodzilla! (Bill Stebbins)
What do ghosts always order at McDonalds?
The hamboogers! (Bill Stebbins)
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off (Bill Stebbins)!
What has one wheel and gets 10 miles to a gallon of plasma?
A vampire on a unicycle! (Bill Stebbins)
Why did Frankenstein's monster go to a psychiatrist?
Because he thought one of his screws was loose (Bill Stebbins)!
What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners. (Irene A. Mystery)
What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the North. (Irene A. Mystery)
How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders. (Irene A. Mystery)
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the
body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines. (Irene A. Mystery)
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets. (Irene A. Mystery)
What do little trees say on Halloween?
Twig or treat. (Irene A. Mystery)
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up too early in the mourning. (Irene A. Mystery)
Hauke Reddmann
already from the "Groovy Ghoulies" toon series :-)
Have to correct one question: The favorite sweet
of a vampire is Sundae, Bloody Sundae!
--
Hauke Reddmann <:-EX8 BRANDNEW,IMPROVED SIG!
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