IN THE NEWS

The Bush Administration reports that it has traded the Central
Intelligence Agency to the United Kingdom for the British Secret Service
(known as MI6), $3.5 million in cash, and British draft rights to a
future agent of the Mossad, They deny  that the trade reflects any loss
of confidence in the CIA for approving in Bush’s State of the Union
Address the  claim that Iraq had attempted to purchase enriched uranium
in Africa. The President, the former owner of a major league baseball
team, felt that the time was right for a change; and it doesn't hurt
that MI6 continues to believe in the African uranium story, (NewsHax)

Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring
all Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a
sign of defiance to the West. International news reporters are saying
that the anti-Bush campaign has gone too far. (John G. Steen)

Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York.
When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the
one with only seven commandments.  (David Letterman)

 In a telephone conference yesterday, several Democratic candidates for
president said they would appoint a gay man to the Supreme Court.
Unfortunately, gay men said they won't join the court, because the robes
make them look fat. (Conan O'Brien)

North Korea claimed they are extracting weapons-grade plutonium and
building missiles that can reach the West Coast. You can't blame them.
They heard Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the next governor of California
and they are scared to death. (Argus Hamilton)  

Jerry Springer has filed papers to run for the United States Senate. He
said he wants to attract people who don't normally vote, or read, or
bathe or brush their teeth. (Jay Leno)

Up in Chappaqua where former President Clinton lives, there's a thrift
store that is selling his old clothing. You can go into the thrift store
and buy old Bill Clinton's clothes, or as they used to be known,
“evidence.” (David Letterman)

Detroit police dug up a backyard swimming pool Wednesday searching for
Jimmy Hoffa. Where else can they look? They can't dredge Lake Michigan
because the Department of the Interior will not allow anybody to disturb
a union burial ground. (Argus Hamilton)  

British police investigating how a young skydiver plunged 13,000 feet to
his death revealed Monday his parachute cords had been deliberately
severed. Apparently, he had signed up for a series of skydiving lessons
with no strings attached. (Jason Leshchyshyn)

Now you too can subscribe to Martha Stewart's Investing for insider
stock tips. Subscriptions available 25 years to life. (Daniel Kurtzman)

Anaheim Angel Garrett Anderson singled, doubled and homered to lead the
American League All-Stars to victory on Tuesday night. For his
performance he was given the Ted Williams Award. It's a little plastic
baseball player upside down in an Icee. (Argus Hamilton)  

According to the “Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology,” researchers
have found that birth control pills give women's voices a more pleasant
sound. Of course it does, men always think it's more pleasant to hear
“Yes,” than “No.”  (Jay Leno)

The company that makes Doublemint Gum has announced that it is coming
out with a new Viagra chewing gum. The company claims this will be the
first gum that really does double your pleasure. (Conan O'Brien)

Summer time means barbecuing. Have you heard about the new Martha
Stewart recipe? It serves 3-5 years. (Alan Ray)

                        JEST FOR KIDS

What vegetable is dangerous to have aboard ship?
        A leek. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What did the pig say on a hot day?
        I'm bacon (Eileen, 5)

Why are there seals in the ocean?
        So it won't leak (Gina Stracchino)

What did the mother buffalo say to her son on his way to school?
        Bi-son! (Jenn, 11)

Why was the broom late?
        Because it overswept! (Daily Groaner)

Why did the reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
        He wanted a scoop (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)  

How do you make a skeleton laugh?
         Tickle its funny bone! (Robert, 10)

What's wrong if you keep seeing talking animals?
        You're having Disney spells (Yahooligans)

Why was the bird punished in school?
        It was caught peeping during a test. (Lederer & Ertner)

Why did the clown go to the doctor?
        He was feeling a little funny (Joshua, 7)

Why did the jelly roll?        
        Because it saw the apple turnover.(Daily Groaner)

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
        Anyone can roast beef. (Fun4U)

Why did the doctor go to work for the phone company?
        He wanted to be an operator. (Joshua, 7)

Why are birds poor/
        Because money doesn’t grow on trees. (Olimpiamaria, 10)

What do you call a cat who does  tricks?
        A magic kit. (Pastor Tim)

Why did the doll blush?
        Because she saw the teddy bear! (Kirsty, 14)

Why didn't the student take the bus home?
        Because his mother would just make him take it back. (Kim, 8)

What happens when two bullets get married?
        They have a BB. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
        Because she wanted to mail a litter. (Pastor Tim)

What is the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
        By hare mail. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

 What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
        A celebrity roast. (Marsha Coleman)  

Have you ever seen the Catskill Mountains?
        No, but I've seen what they do to mice. (Lederer & Ertner)  

Why is a barefoot boy like an Eskimo?
        The barefoot boy wears no shoes and the Eskimo wears snowshoes. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What is a dark horse?
        A nightmare. (Kid's Jokes)

How did installing a coffeemaker into the dashboard of a new car make
driving in the morning rush hour a lot easier."
        Because you can perk the car anywhere. (Tiger)

What’s the best way to pevent fish from smelling?
        Plug up their noses (Suleyma, 9)

Why did the kid pull the ship with a rope?
        It was a tugboot (Bruce, 8)

How do elves get indigestion?
        By goblin their food (Yahooligans)

Where do you end up if you smoke too much?
        Coffin. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What kind of lights did Noah use in the ark?
        Floodlights (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)  

What did one magnet say to the other?
        I find you very attractive. (Daily Groaner)

Why isn't your ear 12 inches long?  
        If it were, it would be a foot. (Daily Groaner)

What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?
        "You have a lot of appeal." (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why was Dracula so unpopular at the party?
        He was a pain in the neck (Mia. 8)

What could happen if you did  your geometry homework at the dinner table!"
        If you’re not careful, the proof will be in the pudding." (Stan Kegel)

What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
        The banana split (Yahooligans)

What is the best way to stop a charging bull?
        Take away his credit card (Pun of the Day)

Where did Noah keep the bees?
        In the archives (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)  

What do you get if you cross a clock with a joker?
        A laugh a minute. (Helen Jennings)

                        RIDDLES

Why are there bugs in most computers?
        They are attracted by the cookies and go in looking for a byte to eat.
(Stan Kegel)

What happened when the Indian shot at Daniel Boone?
        He had an arrow escape. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why should you be kind to birds?
        Because the dove brings peace, the robin brings spring and the stork
brings tax exemptions (Tom La Mance)

Why is Saturday night important to Julius's girl friend?
        That's when Julius sees her. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

One New England state requires all convicts to take a class in prison
manners before incarceration. What is this class called?
        Con Etiquette (Stan Kegel)

Why did you throw away all the shiny new pennies?
        Because they were a new cents. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What is the difference between a restaurant, a police station and a
mental hospital?
        The restaurant has a rest room. The police station has an arrest room,
and the mental hospital has an arrested development room. (Rod Reinhart)

What musical instrument from Spain helps you fish?
        A cast-a-net  (Joseph Rosenbloom)

                        COMICS

Farmer to waitress: “I just can’t keep my hands off my wife!” “How
romantic!” “So I fired them and bought a tractor.” (Shoe: Cassatt &
Brookins)  

Medical School Lecture: “Who can define ‘Bone’?” “The shortest distance
between two joints!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)  

Sometimes getting into hot water is the only way to come clean.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

“Did you ever wonder where cookies were invented?” “In a large kingdom
now known as Los Angeles. Thee empire crumbled around 1986 A. D. It was
a truly blessed kingdom. They sang and danced and ate cookies by the
carload. But they all died.” “Why?” “A slow and insidious introduction
of vegetables into their diet.” “Wow! Who did that?” “Sir John Jennoral”
(Agnes: Tony Cochran)

“Tonight’s drink special is called ‘The Card Table.’” “What’s That?”
“Just one of them and your legs fold up!” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)  

Money does grow on trees for tree surgeons. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

This CD teaches kids the alphabet. It’s sort of an ABCD. (Family Circle:
Bill Kene)

Snake charmers wear boa ties. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

“My wife left me and now I can’t sleep or eat!” “Really broken up about
it, huh?” “No. She took the mattress and the fridge.” (Shoe: Cassatt &
Brookins)  

                        ONE-LINERS:

Britain must get to the moon, and to this end we must make concrete
steps! (P. M. Harold Wilson  at the beginning of the Space Race)

Art Garfunkel and Tina Turner should team up to sing a song for all us
vegitarians. They can call the song: "Don't cry for meat, Art and Tina".
(John Smith)

Have you noticed that once a person is labeled a 'creationist' he is
just not willing to let go? But then it's understandable! Who would want
to be labeled an excretionist? (Gunjan Saraf)

The sign said, “Eight items or less,” so I changed my name to Les.
(Stephen Wright)

The woman about to be married for the eighth time explained, "I guess
I'm just a sucker for a rite." (Joey Adams)

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! (Douglas Helsel)

Outfielders are always shouting some catch phrase. (Pun of the Day)

Retired congressman find it easy to grow pork bellies. (Stan Kegel)

His penmanship is certainly nothing to write home about. (Pun of the Day)

When asked about the condition of the crate of sausages that fell off
the forklift at the loading dock, the foreman replied, "I'm afraid it's
a wurst-case scenario." (Tyler Kaus)

My friend tried to stop me from putting cheese in the salad, but I told
her she was too late--it was already a feta accompli. (Cynthia MacGregor)

The author who wrote from his basement had a best cellar. (Mike Bull)

The woman in charge of our church magazine made her appeal to the
congregation. "Please, brothers and sisters," she said, "start your
subscriptions this month, so we can all expire together." (Lawana)

You can’t play that violin yet. It's Isaac's turn"  (Gary Hallock)

Sex is now classified as a misdemeanor... the more you miss, da meaner
ya get. (Curly David)

I used to wear a cross on my neck, but I stopped doing that, afraid that
someone might call me a cross-dresser (Melvin Durai)

No judge wants to be know as acquitter (Mike Bull) .

I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy. (J. Curtis McKay)

I knew she was a gold digger, so I made her mine. (Norm Gilbert)

A successful cook often has a big pot. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)  

A flute teacher is a tutor.  (Mike Bull)

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? (E4Fun)

Nurses have to check the patient's pulse without missing a beat (Pun of
the Day)

When there are no nurses in the maternity ward, it's a midwife crisis
(Pun of the Day)

When the boxer bought a pre-owned car, the salesman said he was a tough
sell. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)  

Those who study the moon are optimists because they're always looking at
the bright side. (Mike Bull)

 My friend had a dream about typefaces the other day. She said it was
just a fontasy so I letter be. (A. M. H.)

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. (Douglas Helsel)

The call girl recorded her daily activities in a loose-life notebook.
(Joey Adams)

Drinking a whole bucket of water could make you turn pail.  (Mike Bull)

A janitor with a broom in hand swept her off her feet. (Pun of the Day)

A backward poet writes inverse. (Douglas Helsel)

People who hate the marines are rotten to the corps (Pun of the Day)

When the principal asked the teacher how long she planned to teach
school, she replied, "From here to maternity." (Joey Adams)

The janitor's union called for sweeping reforms. (Pun of the Day)

When the comedian failed to show, the nightclub owner said, “It’s no
joke.” (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)  

After the man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent,
he knocked on the convent door and asked the Mother Superior if she had
any dirty habits. (Archives)

"Every time we get into an argument, my wife becomes historical!" "You
mean hysterical, don't you?" "No, historical! She keeps bringing up the
past." (Herm Albright)

If your daughter lived with a fellow without the benefit of clergy,
would you call the guy your sin-in-law? (Joey Adams)

Whenever a judge eats out His Honor is at steak (Mike Bull) .

I tried to call someone from a pay phone but I put in my donor card
instead of my calling card. Cost me an arm and a leg. (Robeo)

The theater recinded the price increase for a seat as it didn't sit well
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)    

Are alto singers above C-level? (The Duke of Endor)

'                       GROANERS:

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's
wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and
every one of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What
did they used to do?" The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first
husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an
evangelist preacher, and the 4th was a mortician." And the other said,
"Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go..." (Naveed)

Cloistered in an ancient monastery high in the French Alps, theoretical
economist Jacques Cannou struggled to complete his comprehensive model
of society's reaction to panhandlers, totally unaware that his model was
to become the watchword of the Great Depression, "Brother Cannou's
Paradigm." (Gordon K. Anderson)

A church deacon went to a real estate agent to rent a golf course for a
weekend fund-raising tournament in order to help with the church's new
building project. But, the rent was so high that he was delighted when
one of his friends knew of a course near the Everglades in Florida that
the church could use for free. So, the deacon booked it, site unseen.
When he went to check out the course a week before the tournament, he
was horrified to discover that some of the fairways were underwater! The
lesson here is: Never book a gift course in the South . (Tyler Kaus)

He died as he had lived, a dirt-poor but happy farmer, Mother Nature's
caretaker in the heartland of America, and now as his son, Bud, listened
to the reading of his father's will, bequeathing his last earthly
possession, a female sheep, he could hear his father's pun-loving voice
resounding in the lawyer's reading of "This ewe's for Bud." (Jack Markov)

An emergency-room physician was examining a man who was brought in
suffering from convulsions. As the fit was subsiding, he found out that
the patient was not an epileptic, was not taking any drugs or
medications, and was not allergic to any foods except raw eggs, to which
he was violently allergic. Probing further, the doctor discovered that
the man had recently eaten a fancy salad in an upscale restaurant. When
he found out what kind of salad it was, he said, "My prescription for
your problem is to avoid those seizure salads." (Tyler Kaus)

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His
sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned
to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter
attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd
have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his
nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
(William Brabant)

A foreign dignitary recently visited New York. The city arranged to have
his portrait painted by a well known artist then lodged him overnight at
the mayor's mansion. The newspapers back home reported, "Ambassador
drawn and quartered in New York". (The International Save the Pun
Foundation)

This eighty-year-old woman has become quite a frivolous girl: "I'm
seeing six gentlemen every day," she writes. "In the morning Will Power
helps me out of bed, then I go to see John. Later Charley Horse comes
by. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day,
and goes from joint to joint. I enjoy a brief session with Jack Daniels
at dinner, and after such a busy day, I'm glad to go to bed with Ben
Gay!" (Joey Adams)

A man was having breakfast in an Amtrak dining car when he heard a voice
belting out a familiar song from the kitchen compartment. He asked the
waiter who it was, and the waiter said: "Oh, that's the cook. Every time
he makes hash, he does his parody of Gene Kelly in that famous musical."
Just then, the diner heard the words soaring from the kitchen, "I'm
happy again... slingin' in the train!" (Tyler Kaus)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." "No," said the Sunday
school teacher. Asa spoke up. He said, "They must be bored again
Christians." (Underw8)

"When my husband finally gave in and began to clean out his bureau, he
discovered a bunch of socks that didn't match. As I looked at them, I
noted that most of them had holes in them. "Land's sakes, man !" 1
exclaimed. "How long have you had these things?" "Since before we were
married," he admitted. "I guess you could say that I had a lot of
premarital socks !" (Brenda Coffin)

During my husband's time as a mature student, we didn't have much money
for our family of seven. At a friend's wedding, my four- year-old
daughter was sitting next to me when the vicar asked, "Do you take this
man for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in
health?" Our daughter turned to me and whispered loudly, "You chose
poorer, didn't you Mummy?" (Michael Rogers)

A very proper lady was embarrassed by a number of her husband's crude
and uncouth actions. The one she most objected to was his habit of
rapping thunderously on the doors of people they visited. One day, when
they were delivering a gift of sausage to a German couple, her husband
repeated his performance of crashing his fist against the neighbors'
door. That was the last straw. She pushed away his hand and said, "In
all my life, I have never seen such a crude display of bad manners! No
doubt about it, you knock wurst!" (Tyler Kaus)

A teenage boy, on a very hot summer's day, noticed three kids in a canoe
out of control in a fast-moving river. He knew that a big waterfall just
ahead would surely kill the kids if they went over it. So, he jumped
into the raging water, swam out to the canoe, and pulled it ashore just
as it was about to plummet over the falls. When the press found out
about the lad's heroic deed, they were just as impressed with how humble
and modest he was about what he had done. Next morning, the headline in
the local paper read: "It Was Not Just the Feat, But the Humility."
(Tyler Kaus)

I overheard my apartment neighbor telling his Mafia bosses about a guy
he whacked. I'm gonna ask him if he'd be willing to give me $20,000 to
keep my mouth shut about it. I figure the worst he can do is say "No,"
right? (Brad Hamer)

Most people don't know that Thomas Alva Edison was among the first to
show concern for western Indians. He came out to California, and finding
living conditions among natives deplorable, he vowed to help in some
way. On one reservation, Edison wired the rather crude restrooms for
light. And that is how Edison became the first white man to wire ahead
for reservations. (Michael Rogers)

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels
took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption
led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a
tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around
like its step-siblings. As the rabbit passed through puberty, however,
it soon faced an identity crisis. It went to its step-parents to discuss
the problem. The rabbit hinted as to how it felt different from its
step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was
generally forlorn. Their response was, "Don't scurry, be hoppy." (Naveed Ijaz)

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several
former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our
minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the
importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the
bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered
gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally." (Judy's Jokes)

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the
office. He instructed the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year
Number 2. Love, Don" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but
not so pleased about the card. It read as follows: "Happy Anniversary,
You're Number 2." (Hooverdog)

                        DEFINITIONS:

Bigamy: The only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong. (Bob Hope)

Paternity Suit: Outfit purchased to wear to the hospital where your wife
is delivering a baby. (Stan Kegel)

Converse: Poetry written by prison inmates  (Tim Breuning)

Slip Cover: A maternity dress. (Judy’s Jokes)

Acrimony: The cost per unit of land. (Joseph Leff)

Brief Survey: Deciding which pair of shorts to wear on your big date
(Stan Kegel)

Flatulent: The apartment you allow friends to stay in during their
vacation. (Judy's Jokes)

Edible: What the Texan with the big appetite did (Cynthia MacGregor)

Circus: A swearing Knight. (Tim Breuning)

Bachelor: A man who leans toward women, but not far enough to altar his
stance. (Reader's Digest)

Contour: Inmates speaking to children around the country on how to stay
out of jail  (Stan Kegel)

Hymen: Males after smoking pot  (Tim Breuning)

Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping. (Joseph Leff)

Pregnancy: When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.
(Douglas Helsel)

Banking: What the Declaration of Independence did. (Joseph Leff)

Hortense: A nervous prostitute.  (Tim Breuning)

Depend: Where the diving board is.  (Stan Kegel)

Secretary: A stenographer who watches her periods. (Douglas Helsel)

Allowance: Permit Mom's sisters. (Joseph Leff)

Content:  A fabric shelter for inmates. (Stan Kegel)

Confront: A criminal money laundering enterprise.  (Tim Breuning)

                        POETRY

 In our youthful slacks
 Thoughts of love made us tense.
 Now old, lotus relax.
        (John S. Crosbie)

To know the Buddha is the highest attainment.
 Second highest is to go to the same doctor as the Buddha.
        (David M. Bader)  

 All evening the couple was seen
 Close dancing, you know what I mean?
        Clutched tight in embrace
        Lewd look on his face
 No ballroom remained in between
        (Gary Hallock)

  If the spring bird cries
  Before last snow melts, you're in
  For a big sap rise.
        (John S. Crosbie)

 The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thy self."
 The Buddha says, "There is no 'self'"
 So maybe you're off the hook
        (David M. Bader)  

 If you cannot keep
 A tune, you are headed for
 The choir's discord heap.
        (John S. Crosbie)

                        TOM SWIFTIES:

"Give me some pre-packed cheese slices." Tom said craftily. (PANews)

"I think so," Heisenberg said uncertainly (Perfect Tommy)..

"I never did learn that dot & dash code," admitted Tom with a hint of
remorse.(Gary Hallock)

"My swimming coach made me cut my hair very short," Cathy cried very
distressed.(Stan Kegel)

"Doctor, drain the pus out of this bladderlike sac," Tom insisted. (Jim Ertner)

"I want an all-female group!" Tom demanded. (Cynthia MacGregor)

"I've been to a film festival in the south of France," said Tom cannily.
 (PANews)

"Wow, that garbage disposer really works great!" Said Tom succinctly.
(Gary Hallock)

"I'm trying to find your web site on the internet," Tom said
searchingly.  (PANews)

"The union is right on," Tom said strikingly.  (PANews)

"                  BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

FOR SALE: Occasional chair by lady with carved clawed feet. (Richard Lederer)

A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Bertha
Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Bertha, that's a ripe old age,
isn't it?" There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I
got it wrong. This next one is for Bertha Burke, who is ill."  (Gard Webster)

On ABC's WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS, emcee Jim McKay was describing the World
Barrel-jumping Championship, and came out with this classic. "Leo Lebel
has been competing with a pulled stomach muscle, showing a lot of guts!"
(Kermit Schafer)

Irish Tombstone: THIS MONUMENT IS ERECTED IN MEMORY OF PATRICK CALLAHAN
WHO WAS ACCIDENTALY STABBED AS A TOKEN OF AFFECTION BY HIS LOVING WIFE
(Larry Wilde)

An early-morning DJ did his first commercial. All went well until he
tried getting beyond the following portion from the copy department:
"You will love this delicious bread. By the way, did you know how the
sandwich got its name? The Earl of Sandwich was the first man to put his
meat between two pieces of bread." (Kermit Schafer)  

WANTED: Man to wash dishes and two waitresses . (Richard Lederer)

NEWSCAST: "This is DIMENSION, Allen Jackson reporting on the CBS Radio
Network from New York. Today's big news story is the national spreading
of the flu epidemic ... brought to you by the Mennen Company!" (Kermit
Schafer)  

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.. (Richard Lederer)

John Cameron Swayze, veteran newscaster who has become identified with
the Timex commercials and their underwater demonstrations, was telling
about one of his sponsor's new watches in this fashion. "So when you are
in the market for a perfect gift, may we rewind you about Timex."
(Kermit Schafer)  

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY:

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a
little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her
husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his
pocket,"the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said. "When
you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!" (Curly David)

 Which of the following doesn't belong?
        (a.)  meat
        (b.)  eggs
        (c.)  wife
        (d.)  blowjob
 It's (d.) a blowjob, because it's you can beat your meat, your eggs, or
your wife, but you just can't beat a blowjob. (Chelle)

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was
shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked
on their bed. "My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside
our bed and on your knees!" "OK," she said, obediently changing
positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."
(Training toLaugh)

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
         A volcano never fakes an eruption. (Chelle)

The real-estate mogul was delighted by the comely new receptionist, and
proceeded to turn all of his charms upon her. Within a few weeks,
however, he grew extremely displeased at her growing tardiness. "Listen,
baby," he roared one morning, "we may have gone to bed together a few
times, but who said you could start coming in late?" The secretary
replied sweetly, "My lawyer." (Blanche Knotts)

London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster. There
were only two potential donors: One missed the tube, and the other one
came on the bus! (Gunjan Saraf )

What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?
        A guy who can't even get his hopes up. (Luke Davis)

He said, "Be nice to me, and I'll buy you a pair of fur-lined
underpants." She replied, "Be good to me, and I'll let you inside the
pair I've got on." But he didn't deliver the goods, and neither did she.
So now they're suing each other for Promise of Breeches. (Curly David) s

Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks your
finger. (Sandra Wilson)

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him
over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his ass. He pulls
them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins. "Well",
says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your ass." "Hmmm", replies the
patient, "That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand."
(Sydes Jokes)

The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young
hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus
and says, Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!" He says, "Well,
you'd best run and get you a cup. I'm 'bout through." (Curly David)

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away.
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." (Andrea)

Second wind: Something a Mexican gets by eating refried beans. (Larry Wilde)

What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a Firestone tire?
         The tire will eventually go down on you.  (Chelle)

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they
had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well,
after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would
break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the
middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw
her husband was holding a dildo. She gets all upset. "You impotent
bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her
straight in the eyes and says, calmly... " I'll explain the dildo if you
explain the kids." (Michael Rogers)

An old retired sailor, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a
brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the
madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs.
After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and
hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?" She replies, "About three knots."
He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?" She says, "You're knot in,
you're knot hard, and you're knot getting your money back! (Curly David)

A worm was crawling over a railroad track and a train came along and cut
off his tail. He turned around to see what had happened and a second
wheel came along and cut off his head. The moral of this story? Never
lose your head over a piece of tail (Michael Rogers)

Why is masturbation better than having sex with a man?
        You know who you're dealing with.
        You don't have to wait till it's hard again.
        You know when you've had enough.
        And you don't have to lie about how good it was. (Blanche Knotts)

A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport
office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling
her passport application. The official looks over her shoulder and sees
she is trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled
'SEX'. He explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," she
answers. (Curly David)

The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in
Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the woman wrote, "I was too tired
to hoe the fields or pick the cotton. But after only two bottles of your
delicious mixture, I've become the best cotton-picking hoer in the
county." (LOL Lewd Lines)

Why do tampons have strings?
        So you can floss after you eat. (Blanche Knotts)

A nymphomaniac goes to the supermarket and gets all hot and bothered
eyeing the carrots and cucumbers. By the time she gets to the checkout
line she can't hold out much longer, so she asks one of the supermarket
baggers to carry her groceries out to the car for her. They're halfway
across the lot when the nympho slips her hand down his pants and
whispers, "You know, I've got an itchy pussy." "Sorry, lady," says the
bagger, "but I can't tell one of those Japanese cars from another."
(Blanche Knotts)

What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey?
         A pussy gobbler. (Chelle)

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard! (Andrea)

The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young
hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus
and says, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!" He says, "Well,
you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through." (Laughaday)

Hear about the new, all-women delivery service? It's called UPMS-they
deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it. (Blanche Knotts)