PUNS of the WEAK 02-14-04
Stan Kegel
HOLIDAY PUNS
A newlywed husband called Bart
Said, "You are the queen of my heart.
You'll always be mine
My sweet valentine...
I'll love you till debt do us part!" (Moni)
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be special, So
he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it
had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the
local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite
flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had
sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for
decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the
florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and
what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a
card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her
most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day
preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented
her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the
heart grow fonder.” With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him
lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.” (By Stan Kegel)
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love. (Marsha Coleman)
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny! (Marsha Coleman)
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!" (Marsha Coleman)
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine! (Marsha Coleman)
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?
Because you can really party hearty! (Marsha Coleman)
It's amazing how stores take Valentines day to heart. (Mike Bull)
What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?" (Marsha Coleman)
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts! (Marsha Coleman)
Why is it usually wrong to marry a tennis pro?
Because love means nothing to them (Stan Kegel)
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!" (Marsha Coleman)
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!" (Marsha Coleman)
Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?
Because they needed to be ad-dressed! (Marsha Coleman)
What happened when the two angels got married?
They lived harpily ever after! (Marsha Coleman)
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love! (Marsha Coleman)
JEST FOR KIDS
What keeps the oceans clean?
Tide (William Brabant)
What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A baseball team. (Michael Rogers)
What season is it on a trampoline?
Springtime. (Shelby, 9)
Why did Silly Billy throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly (Richard Lederer)
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?
One baits his hook, the other hates his book. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What is the best thing about being a sick thief?
You can always take something for it. (Mike Benny)
Why was Moses the most wicked man?
He broke all 10 commandments at once. (William Brabant)
Did you hear about the convict who was allergic to jail
He would break-out in hives. (Mike Benny)
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult?
Because it is a fowl remark (Bob Phillips)
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything" (William Brabant)
Why is a tree better than a watchdog?
Because it has more barkl (Molly, 6)
What was one of the first example of math in the Bible?
God told Adam to go forth and multiply (William Brabant)
Why was the gym wet?
Becaause the basketball players dribbled all over it (Veera, 11)
What do bees use to make their hair look nice?
Honey combs (Michael Rogers)
How do we know that Al Capone had venetian blinds?
Otherwise it would have been curtains for him. (Mike Benny)
What do you call a duck with a big bill?
Poor (Guadalupe, 7)
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose his job?
Because he couldn't control his pupils. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why do elephants wear trunks?
So they won’t be embarrassed (Betty Debnam)
Why did the quartz break up with the slate?
Because it was taking it for granite. (Finn, 6)
Why did the soda can go to college?
He wanted to be a fizz ed teacher. (William Brabant)
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide! (Michael Rogers)
What's the best day to go to the beach?
Sun-day, of course! (John, 8)
At what sports do waiters excel?
Tennis. They really know how to serve. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why should you never interrupt a fat judge while he's eating?
There's too much at steak. (Mike Benny)
What do you call a German Barber?
Herr Dresser. (Bob Phillips)
Why did the waiter stomp on his customer's hamburger?
Because the customer was in a hurry and told the waiter to step on it.
(Joseph Rosenbloom)
If you did the magic trick of sawing a lady in half, and you put the top
half together with another lady, what would you have?
A gallon a half. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you! (Michael Rogers)
How is crossing a road like music?
Because you have to C sharp or you'll B flat! (Tai,12)
What is the difference between a blind man and a retired sailor?
The blind man cannot see to go, the retired sailor cannot go to sea.
(Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do frogs wear on their feet in summer?
Open-toad shoes! (Sabrina, 7)
What did the bird wear to the beach?
A beak-ini! (Kasey, 11)
What kind of waiter never accepts tips?
A dumbwaiter (Bob Phillips)
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones. (Michael Rogers)
Why did the Silly Billy throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see the butter fly. (Richard Lederer)
Why did the boy bury his batteries?
Because they were dead (Mohammed, 10)
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large! (Mike Benny)
What is the difference between a mouse and a pretty young lady?
One harms the cheese, the other charms the hes. (Bob Phillips)
What do you do with a green monster?
You wait until it ripens! (Zachary, 11)
What is a sheep’s favorite painting?
The Mona Fleesa (David, 8 )
What has two big claws and is very messy?
A slobster! (Sierra, 6)
What do computer programers sing?
Disco (Haseeb, 8)
What is a daffodil?
A goofy pickle. (Bob Phillips)
Hey, did you hear about the the ship building company that sunk?
Hey, did you hear about the baker who was short of dough? (Doug Helsel)
Hey, did you hear about the paper company that folded? (Doug Helsel)
Hey, did you hear about the surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his
salary? (Doug Helsel)
Hey, did you hear about the cigarette company that went up in smoke? (Doug Helsel)
A little boy walked up to his mom, and said: "Mommy, mommy! can you see
any change in me?" "No, why?" "i just swallowed five cents." (Miranda)
A real leader faces the music, even when she doesn't like the tune.
Musicians need a leader because otherwise they don't know how to conduct
themselves. A good band leader is always in tune with what's happening in
order to be up-beat. (Michelline)
Artists are very colorful people. They sometimes dream in black and white,
but when they dream in color it's still only a pigment of their
imagination. On of them started a restaurant what was very colorful,
called the psycho deli. Sometimes they color the food when they want
people to go on a dye-it. (Micheline)
COMICS
Romance is like chess - One false move and you’re mated (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“This video was technically due back ten minutes ago. But I accidently
spilled coffee all over my car and it took me a while to clean it up. Can
you cut me some slack?” “Sorry, we’re gonna have to charge you a latte
fee.” (Grand Avenue: Steve Breen)
Alcohol puts a bad finish on any car. (Graffiti: Gebne Mora)
Background: Lena has baked the Bowling Team chocolate cakes shaped like
bowling balls. Her cakes are so hard that Crankshaft is using his to bowl
in the current match. "That's the sixth stike in a row that Ed has gotten
with the ball that Lena baked! ... Talk about Brownie Points."
(Crankshaft: Batiuk & Ayers)
“We’re going to the shoe store. Time to reboot.” (Family Circus: Jeff and
Bill Keane)
“How’s that friend of yours who was working out all the time?” “Hilda? She
lost a lot from her rear end, but then she gained it al back.” “Ah, a
rebuttal” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
The talk of the town is always spoken in a whisper. (Graffiti:Gene Mora)
Thugs: "Listen, Luigi, the boss says we gots to kill Vinnie today." "What
for?" "Beause if we don't, he's gonna run to the cops and sing like a
canary." Eavesdropping pig: "What a waste of a beautiful voice." (Pearls
Before Swine:Stephen Pastis)
Industry makes the world go brown. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Monkey: "Another election. I suppose the lion will win as usual. But the
gazelle might do well. He has good name recognition." Second Monkey:
"Sure. That's because he runs so much." "And that salmon has the most
radical policies." "Yeah. Always going against the tide. He faces a real
upward climb." "The chameleon is a long shot, too." "Voters don't know
what to expect. He's constantly changing." "Special interest looking for
pork will vote for the pig, of course." "Yes, he'll be tough, but I think
the kangaroo has too big of an advantage." "What's that?" "The deepest
pockets!" (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
If Batman and Superman got into a fight, who would win?
Pay-per-view, of course. (Frazz: Jef Mallett)
"You're taking your new girlfriend to the aviary for valentine's Day?"
"Yes. It's a cheep date." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
ONE-LINERS:
Rectal biopsies can be a real pain in the ass (Ken Pinkham)
So if I built an imposing structure for my dog, would it be "edifice Rex"?
(Clynch Vernadore)
I overheard a conversation between two teenagers. "Hey!" said the first
boy, "I can count to 21 if I take off all my clothes." "So what!" Said the
other. "My girlfriend can count to 22." (Alex Kariko)
A breast stroke has caused problems for many a swimming instructor. (Stan Kegel)
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished." (Tim Davis)
My husband accuses me of overdrawing our checking account. I haven't
overdrawn. He has under-deposited. (Joey Adams)
When he was acquited, the defendant said he had a grand jury. (Jumble)
In 1857 The first chess tournament was held. The winner got a check.
(Daryl Stout)
I knew a mime who only wore trousers with one leg. He was a pantomime.
(Scot Nelson)
A NEW PASTA DIET:
Just walk pasta bakery without stopping.
Walk pasta candy store without stopping.
Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. (Syman Hirsch)
In 1895 The steam iron was invented; solving some pressing problems.
(Daryl Stout)
Diaphragm contractions can cause hiccoughs or pregnancies depending on
location. (Stan Kegel)
When his horse loses a race, a better has to pony up (Jumble)
Finger it out if you can. Four on one hand and on the other hand, four
more and then thumb. (Norm Gilbert)
Suckling triplets made the new Mom wish she had an udder one. (Ken Pinkham)
California does have its faults. (Doug Helsel)
They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got
a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.(Syman Hirsch)
Cristobal Colon had a gut feeling the world was round. When his travels
eliminated all doubt, the university endowed a stool in his honor. (Stan Kegel)
Once I thought I was the hottest thing in a miniskirt. Now, thanks to
menopause, I'm just hot all the time! It gives the term "red hot mama" a
whole new meaning! (Jill K.)
The baker's family looked on proudly because he was their breadwinner. (Jumble)
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next
door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty
habits. (Martin Flack)
Become a Tele-psychic for phone and prophet. (Doug Helsel)
In 1891 The first orchestra was formed in Massachusetts. It was a band in
Boston. (Daryl Stout)
You've heard of fair weather friends? I have a boyfriend who likes to make
love only in stormy weather. He's my rain beau.(Cynthia MacGregor)
Mr. Schulz, it's very unusual for a cartoonist to loose his voice, but it
appears you've got a Charlie hoarse. (Gary Hallock)
Rhett Butler had Scarlett fever. (Jason Dias)
I really take my hat off to my barber. He wouldn't be able to cut my hair
if I didn't. (Syman Hirsch)
It's absolutely normal Mr. Lindbergh to have a little weakness after a
flew. (Gunjan Saraf)
I went to the Colorado School of Mines hoping to get involved in some
exciting underground action, but it was just a lot of boring lectures.
(Jason Dias)
I see where FOX CNN is reporting that John Kerry and Howard Dean are
engaging in some serious quibbling rivalry. (Tony Th)
Rain can dampen picnic plans. (Jumble)
In 1787 The first alarm clock was made. Everyone was tocking about it.
(Daryl Stout)
His resume said that he was fast at 100 meters and he had a good track
record. (Pun of the Day)
He said he bought his suit for a ridiculous price. The truth is, he bought
it for an absurd figure. (Syman Hirsch)
When shooting a sports event a photographer needs a snap judgment (Jumble)
Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket. (Mike Garafolo)
How does an investor get clean socks? He goes to the sock exchange. (Pun
of the Day)
Imagine if you could get paid for quitting smoking. What a kick-butt job
that would be! (Phil Garding)
"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?" "No, but
that didn't keep her from talking for two hours." (Gail S. Angel)
Because I’m now a senior citizen, I'm supporting all the movements, . . .
by eating bran, prunes and raisins. (Jokes Galore)
My friend, singlehandedly, tries to save the economy every time she goes
shopping. (Renee from Napa)
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp
as it used to be. (Bri)
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. (Gag-O-Matic)
My niece is so good at manipulation they made her an honorary chiropractor
(Michael Bass)
My wife is hooked on LSD: Lox, Salami and Danish! (Dave Barry)
I used to love breasts before I got some of my own. (Corky Carroll)
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches. (Bri)
There's consolation in inflation: the money you haven't got isn't worth as
much as it used to (Joey Adams)
36% of Americans believe that bondage is something you wrap around a cut
finger. (Jill K.)
Government workers have a problem at work. They don't do anything so they
never know when they're finished. (Renee from Napa)
They threw a party for the inventor of the toaster. And he was toasted
(Pun of the Day)
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing. (Bri)
She's ugly! When she smiles, she turns out more gum than the Wrigley
factory. (Michael Bass)
If a man wants his dreams to come true, he must wake up. (Renee from Napa)
I always get the last word when I argue with my wife. "I'm sorry." (Hal Norris)
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up! (Bri)