[alt.fan.cecil-adams] Re: The war on black Friday
danny burstein
From: "Kim" <darwinexcepti...@verizon.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams
Lars Eighner wrote:
>
> Yeah, like this year you will miss the bargains if you don't get up
> at 3 a.m. Awesome.
Well, Black Friday *is* my Christmas. We don't celebrate actual Christmas
day with presents and trees and crap, but I *do* get up at 4 AM on Friday
and go to Joann's for "Kim's Christmas". I have my gift cards in my hand
that I've saved from the entire previous year, and I have all my coupons
from being a "preferred customer". I have a list of everything I want from
the sale flyer and I have a map of the store that I've drawn highlighting
where all the things are I want to get.
Then, I go to Joann's. Now, this is tricky, since you MUST get there BEFORE
they open, and you must be one of the first 50 or so in line. Our Joann's is
small, and they actually count people going in and won't let in more people
than the fire marshalls allow. And they only have like 10 shopping carts.
So, if you aren't one of the first 10 people, you're fucked and have to
carry around bolts of fabric, or leave them on the cutting table in a pile
and hope that no one steals your bolt. (I will steal bolts.And so will
everyone else.) I've discovered that it's best at this point to gauge the
competition. Try to sidle in line behind the largest women there. Most
likely, they are the ones who ate the most the day before, and thus are
still feeling the most effects of the tryptophan and have the least shopping
stamina. You can slip by them the easiest and they are the easiest to grab
shit from.Beware the lean, vegetarian, granola chomping types. Most likely
the only thing they ate the day before was green bean casserole and other
light fare and they will be the most feisty.
Then comes the *real* joy of Black Friday's at Joann's. The doors open, and
the clerk comes out saying "OK, Ladies". This is where you have to shove,
push, grab, bite, scratch and claw to get to the carts and then to the
flannel aisle, where flannel is 99 cents a yard (normally 5.99 - 9.99).
Now, don't think this is some windfall the store is bestowing on you with no
expected effort on your part other than to pick it up and put it in your
cart. No, that's not it at all. You have to WORK for this shit. And this is
dangerous stuff, not for the weak of heart or weak of body. If you have
tremendous upper body strength and can swing a bolt of fabric into someone's
head with accuracy, you are probably going to do well. (Remember that flat
fabrics are not a good weapon, but bolted fabrics ARE - the corners are
effective when shoved into an eye. So ALWAYS go for the bolted stuff first.)
Also be cautious of women with curlers - the curlers are there for a reason,
and it has nothing to do with hair. A well placed bobby pin in the back of
the hand will force someone to drop whatever they are holding. Beware of
ANYONE with knitting needles holding a tight bun on the back of their head.
That is *NOT* for fashion's sake. And knitting needles hurt. Especially when
they are sharpened.
Also, tight clothing is best. Loose clothing can be grabbed and it's quite
easy to swing someone around by a loose fitting sweater. No sense losing
your place close to the shelf because of poor clothing choices. And for
God's sake, wear heavy shoes. Preferably steel toed. You can lose a toe with
a well placed high heel.
Of course, the tight clothing also works in well with the concept of
"armor". If you DO have a loose fitting sweater, you can wear that as the
outer layer, and wear more protective clothing underneath. Layering a
sweater over a down jacket, leather vest and kevlar shield will help if you
get knocked to the floor and trampled. This will allow you to recover your
footing in the fastest amount of time and with the least downtime for
injury. It's heartbreaking to watch the last of the "Licensed Character
Print Flannel" ($1.49 a yard!!!) walk by you while you are nursing a broken
rib.
Also, It's best to bring with you a small emergency medical kit. Make sure
it includes bandages for slight scratches and gauze and tape for bite
wounds. Also, I've found a small ziplock baggie helpful. You can use it to
put in some of the hair you lose. That way, when you discover you need a wig
to cover your baldness, you can match up the color of your "normal" hair.
Another tip is to guard your cart. Beware the "space and swoop" artists.
They are the ones who have discovered something desirable in your cart that
they want. They will intentionally carve out a niche in the aisle, then
slowly move away from that empty space and leave it open, luring and
tempting you in, away from your cart. They will then swoop down and steal
whatever it is they desired out of your unattended cart. Sometimes these
seasoned pros will take the entire cart and all it's contents.
And if *you* must steal something out of someone's cart, do it in the
checkout aisle. Hold up something tempting, like paisley prints and "ooooh
and ahhhh" that there were so many colors still left over in the clearance
section and then offer to stand guard while people go to check out this
find. Then rummage through their carts to find what you want. This is
especially effective if you are near the front of the line and likely to be
gone by the time your new BFF's get back.
Once you get through checkout, remember that the war is not over. You must
safely get your treasures to the car and inside before you can really relax
and revel in another successful Joann's Black Friday. And do not fall prey
to the "distract and dash" shoppers. The ones who try to get you to go with
them in their car to the next nearest Joann's in the next town over for more
shopping. All you are to them is a warm body in their army. They will have
you shop, then steal your loaded cart and leave you stranded in some
unfamiliar town with no ride home.
No, finally, after spending all my gift card money, I go straight home.
Hopefully only slightly wounded and slightly bedraggled, with about 25 huge
bags of fabric, thread, rotary cutter blades, patterns, flat quarters,
interfacing, buttons, snaps, bias tape, quilt backings and put it all in the
sewing room - to sit there for a whole year without being touched. I still
have 3 or 4 bags of stuff I haven't even looked in and have NO idea what's
in them from LAST year's Joann's Black Friday sale.
Man, I love Christmas.
--
Kim
www.thedarwinexception.wordpress.com
*Well, according to those killjoys over at PETA, there's apparently no
right way to eat a Rhesus. (Sebastian P.)*
--
Moderators accept or reject articles based solely on the criteria posted
in the Frequently Asked Questions. Article content is the responsibility
of the submitter. Submit articles to ahbo...@mit.edu. To write to the
moderators, send mail to ahbo...@mit.edu.