The Dave Barry Witch Project

[armi...@berk.com]

The following Dave Barry column appeared in last Sunday's papers. I
had to share it, but just got around to transcribing it. It contains
some BWP spoilers, so don't read it if you haven't seen the movie. The
following article is copyright Dave Barry, etc., blah, blah, blah, legal
stuff.

Hyperactive camera operator seals "Blair Witch Project" fate

Recently it came to my attention that I was one of the eight
remaining Americans would not seen " The Blair Witch Project." In case
you're one of the other seven, I should explain that "The Blair Witch
Project" is a hugely popular movie that was featured simultaneously on
the covers of both Time and Newsweek (mottoes: " We Both Have The Same
Motto"). "The Blair Witch Project" stunned the Hollywood establishment,
because it proved that, to make it movie, you don't need big stars, an
expensive production and huge promotional budget to generate hype. All
you need is a huge promotional budget to generate hype. The movie
itself can cost $34.
Not wishing to be a cultural holdout, I went to see "The Blair
Witch Project," which tells the story of three young actors who attempt
to make a documentary without a tripod. This means the camera
constantly moves around, as though it is strapped to the head of a
hyperactive seal. (For some reason, the camera is often pointed more or
less at the ground, as those seal is hunting for ants.) The effect of
this technique is to create a mood of intense realism for several
minutes, after which it creates a mood of intense motion sickness.
The three movie characters are looking for the Blair Witch, who
according to legend is a mean witch who is never actually seen because
of the high cost of special effects. The characters set out and almost
immediately become lost in the legendarily huge uninhabited forests of
Maryland (motto: " The Endless Vast Expanse of Wilderness State").
They respond to this predicament exactly as Lewis and Clark
would have: By holding long whiny arguments wherein they wave the camera
around and repeatedly shout a very bad word that I cannot put in the
newspaper, so let's just call it "darn." Much of the dialog sounds like
this:
First Character: Darn you! You've darn got us darn lost in these darn
woods! Darn!
Second Character: Go darn yourself!
Squirrel: Will you darners shut the darn up!?!
The characters are all so busy arguing and yelling "Darn!" at
each other that, in the entire movie, the actually travel a grand total
of maybe 75 linear feet. You get the impression that if they'd just
shut up and walk, in 20 minutes they come to Wal-Mart.
But they don't, and after several days they run out of food.
They do not, however, run out of electricity for their cameras, which
apparently are powered by tiny, highly portable nuclear generators.
And thus they are able to keep videotaping, which enables you,
the viewer, to experience the terrifying things that happen right
outside their tent at night, namely: It's hard to say. Apparently
something terrifying is happening, but you can't really tell what it is,
because pretty much all you see is the ground, or total darkness. Much
of the footage near the end appears to be shot deep inside a sleeping
bag.
I won't reveal the terrifying and shocking surprise ending of
the movie, because I don't want to spoil it, plus I've no idea what it
is, since it's not actually in the movie. The characters all get killed
and are unable to videotape it. But at least the darned camera stopped
moving.
I hope I don't appear to be criticizing "The Blair Witch
Project." I happen to think it's a great film, because despite its
flaws, it meets the ultimate artistic test: It will make over a $100
million. This inspires me.
In my college days, I spent my summers working at Camp
Sharparoon as a counselor for disadvantaged youths, and one of my key
counseling techniques was terror. When we were out in the woods at
night, I could make the youths at least briefly stop hitting each other
and making bodily sounds by telling them scary bedtime stories. Not to
brag, but some of my stories were a lot scarier then "The Blair Witch
Project," as determined by the standard unit of measurement for
bedtime-story scariness, which is Bedrolls Wetted.
So I'm thinking I can cash in on my Camp Sharparoon stories by
turning them into terrifying low-budget films. I'll start with "Hunt
for the Latrine Demon," which will be about a ill-fated attempt to make
a documentary about an entity that dwells, according to legend, in a
primitive hand-dug campsite toilet facility.
I've already got a script written ("It's got me by my darned
ankles!"). All I need now is some unknown actors, a video camera and
huge promotional budget. And of course a seal.

Hopefully, this will be legible. I seem to have a bad history when it
comes to pasting large blocks of text onto Deja.com

armi...@berk.com
"In asylums, restless patients scream. Visions of Cthulhu, every night
they dream."-TDotHT

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.

[armi...@berk.com]

In article <7slkip$s7e$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>,
armi...@berk.com wrote:

>
> Recently it came to my attention that I was one of the eight
> remaining Americans would not seen " The Blair Witch Project." In

Should be "who had not seen". My voice recognition software still has
some vocabulary problems. Likewise for any other errors I might have
missed.

armi...@berk.com
"While on a flight one day I passed over the polar city. And curious,
set down to see what I could glean. Behold a nightmare pit that splashed
with piping, shapeless monsters. I packed them in the bay of my
B-17."-TDotHT

[Dennis Matheson]

The original is at...

http://www.herald.com/content/archive/living/barry/1999/docs/sep19.htm

--
"You can't run away forever; but there's nothing wrong with getting a good
head start." --- Jim Steinman

Dennis Matheson --- den...@mountaindiver.com
Hike, Dive, Ski, Climb --- http://www.mountaindiver.com

[armi...@berk.com]

In article <7sojrg$2tj$1...@oak.prod.itd.earthlink.net>,

"Dennis Matheson" <den...@mountaindiver.com> wrote:
> The original is at...
>
> http://www.herald.com/content/archive/living/barry/1999/docs/sep19.htm
>
> --

Thanks. I had checked all of the local papers online, but never thought
to check the Miami Herald. I figured there would be a longer delay the
column to appear online.

armi...@berk.com
"Sesqua Valley's singing out my name. I'll pass on that if it's all the
same. She's one of the Million Favored Ones. She's the Black Goat With a
Thousand Young."-TDotHT

[Dennis Matheson]

Actually, my favorite Blair Witch parody so for is the "Blair Family Circus
Project".

http://www.brunching.com/features/feature-blaircircus.html