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Newsgroups: alt.homosexuality
From: Sylvan SilverNight <phan...@visi.com>
Date: 1999/06/16
Subject: [Fwd: [MiSTied] Hellmosexuals and Satanic Influence]
This time I have some truly inspired tripe to share with you all; it's a
MiSTing of three recent postings to several gay discussion newsgroups that prove LSD testing didn't end in the 60's. I can think of no other explanation for the psychotic visions shared with the public so lovingly by Brother Boyd. And, for dessert, I have another Web rant from the Logos group playing Inquisition. MiSTing Title: "Hellmosexuals and Satanic Influence" Individual Pieces/Authors: "Hell is FULL of Homosexuals!", "God Will MiSTing Archive Categories: PARA, PG (the originals are pretty vile), =========================================================================== ==== (Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots) (.....1.....) (Scene: SOL Interior. A small pulpit has been set up on the main TOM: (after clearing his throat) Ahem. Hear ye, all faithful and (In the foreground, in front of the console, CROW walks on-camera.) CROW: Hey Servo, what's up? (MIKE walks on-camera behind the console next to TOM.) MIKE: Ok, Tom,... Haven't we warned you about playing God before? (The commercial sign lights start flashing.) TOM: But ... but what about Salvation? What about the dispensation of (MIKE taps the flashing lights.) MIKE: So Tom, you know something that we don't about the afterlife? (----------go to commercial----------) (SOL Interior. TOM is still in his cassock but his pulpit is gone. MIKE: Now Tom, about this whole Tori Spelling being the Anti-Servo; how (The mads light starts flashing.) CROW: I make no promises. (Castle Interior. PEARL is dressed in a black suit with dark OBSERVER: (noticing the camera) Ah! Pearl, Mike and the robots are (PEARL walks to the foreground and smiles to the camera.) PEARL: Well Mike; Bots... Welcome to my newest phase in my overall plan (SOL. The guys look on skeptically.) CROW: Hey! They're playing "Men In Black"! (Castle.) PEARL: (dryly) Very funny, Nel-slime. You should be a comedy-writer. (SOL.) TOM: Well, it seems to me, Pearl, that your real flaw is that you've (The guys nod in agreement.) MIKE: (nodding) I've gotta agree with you here, Tom. (Castle.) PEARL: What?!! Why I oughtta... (SOL.) TOM: Yep; it seems to me that the reason you have failed time and again (Castle. The trio look on, dumbfounded.) PEARL: You ... you knew?!! How long...? (her eyes narrow and her voice (SOL. The guys are all wearing dark glasses.) MIKE: I'm sorry; you weren't cleared for that information. (The BOTs snicker.) (Castle.) PEARL: Oh, so that's how you wanna play it, is it? Bobo! Get me my (PEARL rolls her eyes, knocks the gun away and grabs OBSERVER by his PEARL: Listen, you pigment-challenged, brainless oaf! I want my plans! (SOL Interior. Lights are flashing.) TOM: Great. More theology... (.....6.....) (Theater Interior. The USEnet troll-spam slowly scrolls up the screen.) > Subject: Hell is FULL of Homosexuals! CROW: (in an announcer's voice) Yes, here in Hell, our lease expires in just 30 days and all Homosexuals MUST GO! TOM: Stock up now! Bisexuals and Transvestites are 50% off! MIKE: Fill all your gay needs! CROW: Offer void in Utah. TOM: (in a shrill, old lady's voice) Norman?! Norman Bates?! Are you looking at pretty women again? CROW: (hang-doggedly) No, mother... > Organization: The One True Church ALL: Who's the Sun-God? He's the One-God! Ra! Ra! Ra! > Newsgroups: alt.homosexual TOM: Man, you'd think these guys would have learned by now not to troll the gay newsgroups. CROW: Yeah, and aren't trolls just an outgrowth of European, Pagan mythology? MIKE: (sounding introspective) Hmmmm... Maybe you're right. Maybe our 'normalboy' here is a repressing Pagan... > Last night at our Memorial Day Prayer Meeting the Lord caught me up TOM: But it was after six p.m., so I couldn't get the matinee prices. > in the Spirit and showed me visions of Heaven and hell. > In hell I saw literally BILLIONS of homosexuals. CROW: (in a Carl Sagan voice) Bill-yons and bill-yons... > They are digging TOM: Talk about overcrowding the prison system... > ever deeper pits in the burning cinders to make room for their fellows, > who fall out of the sky in ever greater numbers without ceasing. CROW: Sounds like God needs to open up a tenth level. > They MIKE: Y'know guys, this is sounding less like a vision and more like a > writhe in torment as they are sodomozed by demons for all eternity. They > long for even the tiniest droplet of pure water to quench their overpowering > thirst and to cool their blistered brows. bad acid trip. CROW: (in a freaked-out voice) They're everywhere, man! Everywhere! Little demons with ... with ... three-pronged toothpicks! They're sodomoz-ing me! > Yet there is no water in hell, TOM: (in a deep, conspiratorial voice) The secret source of U-235! > no rest, nor release. The digging of stinking, caustic, radioactive ore > goes on twenty-four hours a day. CROW: Well, not anymore... TOM: Hunh? MIKE: 'Fraid Crow's right, Tom. Lucifer *was* part of the original Manhattan Project, but his firm, Satantech, got taken over in a hostile stock-trade by Oppenheimer and Fermi in 1952. TOM: Geez, why am *I* always the last one to find this stuff out? > The suffering sinners lose all track of TOM: (singing) "Is this burn-ing, an eter-nal flame?" > time because there is no daylight in hell -- only flame. > Flesh that was MIKE: Now, is Brother Boyd describing Hell here, or K.F.C.? > once lusted after, slavered over, and worshipped is now burn to a crisp. > The cries of the damned rise up from the pit every second, but are only TOM: And apparently God, in his infinite Wisdom, just sits back and has > echoed back onto those who willfully and deliberately said no to God and > the Sacred Salvation He offereth. a good chuckle about it all... (in an exasperated voice) That's it guys, we gotta bring this "God" fellah down! MIKE: (with a chuckle) Tom, keep in mind; that's not really God. Where extremists are concerned, it's more like the Actor who plays him on TV... TOM: Well, he's not getting *my* Emmy-vote! > Lesbians will fare no better in the hereafter, let me assure you. CROW: Hell is an Equal-Opportunity torturer... > Because they closed up their orifices to men they will be whipped CROW: Whoa... Now *there's* an image! Heh-heh... > mercilessly by she-demons and brutally violated by lust-crazed satyrs for > all eternity. TOM: Think Boyd might be repressing some fantasies here? MIKE: Either that or he's spent one day too long on FurryMUCK. > Then they will be ripped open and scattered to the burning MIKE: (standing up) Uh, Mr. Boyd? Mike Nelson here. Uh, if these are > winds. They will nonetheless never die. One leg will be caught in a > thornbush, another will be crushed under an avalanche -- and the agony > only increases with every passing moment. the kind of dreams you've been having, maybe you'd consider counseling? (he shrugs and sits down again) Just a suggestion... > No one ever climaxes in hell -- except the demons -- whose seed is CROW: Demon seeds? Hey, they weren't in my Garden Path catalog! > scalding hot. > No one ever gets out of the Bottomless Pit, my friends, TOM: Yeah, well, apparently all-knowing, all-powerful and > and God will no longer hear your desperate please for mercy. all-compassionate has its limits. CROW: Besides, spelunkers at Carlsbad found the bottom of that pit decades ago! > You will be MIKE: It looked like a J.C.Penny's White Sale... > tortured forever and ever without a second's respite. > God then showed me a Vision of Heaven. > Because I took my problems TOM: Well, *someone's* got a pretty inflated sense of self-worth here! > with homosexual lust to Jesus and laid them at His Feet saying, "Not my > will, but Thine, O Lord, be done," I shall dwell in an eighty-room > mansion on a twenty-square-mile estate with soothing rivers and streams > and swaying pine trees to sit under and meditate upon the Glories of > God. CROW: Either that or he's hoping Jesus has a foot-fetish. MIKE: CROW!! > I will have crushed velvet draperies and the finest crystal CROW: (in a child-like voice) And I'll have a pony, a swimming pool, a > chandeliers in every room. race-car that goes real fast... TOM: (in a similar voice) And God'll give me a big rocket ship with real photon torpedoes, and ... and ... everything! > I will walk on streets of pure gold and find MIKE: (as a news announcer) The economy of Heaven collapsed today when > precious jewels falling from every wall. a surplus of precious stones was found falling from the sky. Witnesses chalked it up to an Act of God. TOM: So if God hates homosexuals, why did he hire Liberace to do the interior decorating? > I will pick up such baubles and CROW: (ducking) Hey! Watch where you're throwing those things! > fling them aside. > Next to Jesus, Whose Glorious Light filleth every TOM: The great sages of your what? > cubic inch of the place, such trinkets are as nothing. I will hear the > great sages of your preach and teach while basking in lush glades where > thrushes and doves coo. MIKE: I think he meant "Yore", Tom. TOM: Yeah, well if these sages are so great, why are they basking around under coo-ing doves? I mean haven't they seen the state of statues in most public parks? CROW: Y'know Servo, he might have been talking about the great sages of "Yor, Hunter From The Future"... Like that old guy who did the "Flying Walendas"-bit over the nuclear reactor. MIKE: (shuddering) For the sake of the afterlife, let's hope not. > Surely no one in his right mind would choose hell over Heaven. Don't CROW: TV's Urkel stars with Fran Drescher in "Company of the Damned"! > believe the lies you hear about hell. You will NOT party there or enjoy > the company of the damned. MIKE: (in a menacing voice) The guests you never thought would leave... > You will HATE every second of it. TOM: So Hell is like reading this post, then? > Choose CROW: Act NOW! Call 1-800-GOOD-HEAVENS! Salvation *is* limited... > eternity in Heaven NOW! > No short-lived earthly treasure OR pleasure is MIKE: Then I suppose he shouldn't have *created* Hell in the first > worth even a moment in hell. Please, please, brothers and sisters, I beg > of you, repent now and stay OUT of hell. God doesn't want anyone to buen > in hell, place, now shouldn't he? CROW: How do you 'buen' in Hell anyway? > but many of you with your scoffing and mocking and intenttional TOM: (snickering) Intenttional scoffing and mocking? Now, who would do > disobedience leave Him no choice in the matter. something horrible like that? > Ye must turn or BURN! TOM/CROW: (chanting) Turn it, turn it, turn it... MIKE: (sighing) Guys, Brother Normal here doesn't have a gun in his hand and even if he did, he's not about to shoot himself with it. CROW: Well, hope springs eternal... > Praying HARD for you, (The guys get up to go; MIKE picks up TOM as he heads out past CROW.) > Brother Norman Boyd (They depart the theater.) (.....1.....) (SOL Interior. TOM is sitting behind the console, leaning over a piece TOM: (in a halting, low voice; as if echoing what he's writing) Dear (A sudden BOOM echoes through the room accompanied by heavenly music. TOM: (in awe) Oh, my God... It's ... God! (The music stops and the hexfield closes with a bump. The heavenly TOM: Wow... Just think; God! (he does a double-take) Uh, wait! God! (CROW and MIKE walk in, talking about maintenance issues) CROW: I dunno, Mike; I still think we should let the auto-repair work on (The commercial sign lights start flashing) MIKE: (patting TOM on the shoulder) Well, that's just great Tom... (to (----------go to commercial----------) (Theater Interior. The guys enter from the right as the troll spam loads.) TOM: I'm telling you guys, it really *was* God...! (They take their seats.) MIKE: Well, here we go again; brace yourselves guys... > Subject: God Will PUNISH You Sodomites! TOM: Mike? Why do bad movies have sequels so often? MIKE: Well, it's mostly financial. CROW: Yeah; The easiest films to make are cheap films, Servo. MIKE: And -like many emails- they require less thought and care so they tend to come out rapidly and with lower quality than stand-alone scripts... TOM: Oh, I see now! So, it's out of a desire to cash in on a popular theme with as little original outlay or substance as possible? CROW/MIKE: Exactly... CROW: The Ed Wood of religious email! > Organization: The One TRUE Church alt.homosexual,alt.gay,alt.queer,alt.sodomite,alt.filth,alt.fags > Newsgroups: > You sinners can scoff and mock all you want to. (CROW and MIKE groan) > You can't stop the TOM: Wasn't that the plot of "Armageddon"? > rising tide of Divine WRATH that will soon collide with the earth and > utterly destroy all life upon it. CROW: Sounds more like "The Fifth Element" to me... MIKE: "Star Queers 2: The Wrath of John Divine"! > Jesus is coming very soon and with Him TOM: Yes, Jesus is bringing the judgment of sinners upon the righteous > the Terrible Judgment of sinners like you who love the devil and make fun > of Holy Things. for their centuries of misdeeds in His name! MIKE: Pretty fitting punishment, if you ask me... CROW: "Make fun of Holy Things?" We can't joke about doughnuts? MIKE: Apparently only devilish doughnuts, Crow. CROW: (exasperated) Well, that's just great. There goes my new material! (He throws a sheaf of papers up over his head which flutter down over the three of them.) > By this time next year you could easily be strapped to a TOM: If you lived here, you'd be tortured by now... > windlass and slow-roasted over a roaring fire for centuries on end. > Satan is planning a big barbecue, all right, and he's fooled most of you CROW: Brother Normal isn't capable of understanding sarcasm, I guess... > into thinking it's a big party where you can carouse and revel and lust. MIKE: It's probably just a defense mechanism, Crow. How else can he explain his failure to convert the sinners except to take their snide comments seriously? > You're all in for a VERY rude awakening when Jesus comes to separate His TOM: Goat burgoo? > Faithful Sheep from the devil's nasty old goats. And I can guarantee you > He's going to turn you goats into a huge heap of burgoo! CROW: (in a Wilford Brimley voice) It's the right thing t' do! MIKE: (after a pause, to CROW) Now, *that* was obscure... CROW: Thanks, Mike! > How DARE you smegma-sniffing flesh-worshippers insinuate that Our TOM: How *dare* you imply that the Prince of Peace was compassionate?!! > Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ was a sodomite -- or even sympathetic to > you seed-slurping, anus-licking riff raff. CROW: Geez, this guy has a terrible potty-mouth, Mike! MIKE: Well, someday he'll have his mouth washed out with soap. Don't worry; what goes around, comes around. > He came here to CURE TOM: So, Jesus was God's repair man? > homosexuality, not to defend your "rights" to engage in it. MIKE: Yeah, and Heaven an' Earth were built by the lowest bidder. > When the CROW: (singing) "Leprosy... I've got pieces falling off of me... I'm > Holy Bible says Jesus cured cases of leprosy, it usually means He healed > cases of herpes spread by promiscuous homosexuals. half the man I used to be, all because of le-pro-sey..." > Ditto the blind and MIKE: Ray Charles, Marlee Matlin and Rush Limbaugh? > deaf and dumb. > Most such defects are caused either by inbreeding or by MIKE: Homosexuality causes blindness? Does the Center for Disease > some sort of venereal horror that is transmitted sexually -- and usually > HOMOsexually. Control know about this? TOM: Forget the C.D.C.! Does Scott Thompson know about this?!! CROW: Sounds like Boyd's mother used to tell him that if he didn't stop doing that, he'd go blind. > And Jesus did NOT cradle the Apostle John in His Arms. You will MIKE: One would hope Jesus would have a sense of humor about all this, > give an accounting to Christ Jesus in person for your foul blasphemy of > His Holy Truth as recorded in the Bible. otherwise there's gonna be one long line! TOM: Yeah, Salvation would take forever. > And how dare you give ear to devil-loving witches who put a dress on CROW: Lucifer's a transvestite? > Satan and call him a "goddess." MIKE: Not exactly Crow. He's talking about the Witches and Pagans now. TOM: Hmmm... Does that also include those who want co-redeemership of Mary to be cannon? MIKE: (shrugging) Probably. It sounds like any female image would threaten Normalboy, here. > Don't you realize that Satan is the wily TOM: (in a German accent) Ah... But vot is "truth"? > serpent who will tell absolutely ANY kind of filthy lie just to get > people into hell? It's true. > I have seen legions of unrepentant ALL: (annoyed) We know. > homosexuals baking in the fiery furnaces of hell. > They thought they were CROW: What, Microsoft Tech Support? > going to a picnic in Satan's tropical garden. Little did they know they > were going to a 24-7 TORTURE chamber where the agony never lets up. TOM: (in a deep, menacing voice) Where do you want to go today? > Some MIKE: Actually, that sounds more like braising than roasting. > of you will be roasted alive in burning potholes and urinated on by > demons. CROW: Mike, have you been watching the TV Food Network again? MIKE: (reverently) Bobby Flay is God. > Many of you will swim in vast shallow seas of feces, into which CROW: Seems to me that Boyd is more fixated on bodily fluids than most > hundreds of new homo sinners pour every day - head first. That's because > you're all so focused on your anuses and vile bodily fluids. gay people... > You will TOM: For a guy who believes that cases of blindness, deafness and > ALL grow to regret every sick homosexual thought you ever allowed to > dominate your feeble minds. mute-ness can be attributed to homosexual sex, isn't calling the mental facilities of gays "feeble" like the pot calling the kettle black? > Please, brethren, for your own sake, say NO to Satan today and MIKE: So Boyd's answer is to "just say 'No'"? > repent of your many sins of disgusting sodomy and gomorramy. CROW: Well, it *is* a brilliant approach, Mike! It sure worked in curbing drug use amongst American youth, didn't it? > God doesn't TOM: Which is *why* he created an escape-proof pit of eternal suffering > hate you. in the first place! > He loveth you -- and wanteth to heal and SAVE you from an CROW: Why is Brother Normal lisping all of a sudden? > eternity in the Pit. MIKE: Must be lingering elements of Homosexuality. > But in order to receive His Free Gift of Salvation TOM: Yes, if you open your new account with Heaven Financial, you'll get > you MUST renounce the devil and his temptations, including fleshly lusts > for persons of the same sex. this Free Gift of Eternal Salvation! CROW: Jesus Saves! MIKE: Yeah, but he only gets 1.25%. > Homosexual acts are ABOMINATIONS unto the TOM: Homo Hell? Must be in the unabridged version of "The Inferno". > Lord, but God can and will help you throw off the homosexual yoke of > Satan and to escape the horrors of homo hell. > Pray to God and He Will SAVE You, saving them? MIKE: He's probably never heard that it's easier to attract flies with honey than with vinegar. TOM: Mike, lets face it. Brother Boyd's probably never heard of subtlety, sarcasm *or* honey! > Brother Norman Boyd TOM: Yep, when I think of compassion, the three names that leap to mind > The One TRUE Church CROW: Whoa; bet that comes as a real surprise to the Hindus and Santerians... (Fade to planet bumper.) (----------go to commercial----------) (SOL Interior. The guys have a picnic cloth set on the main console, a MIKE: Well, then... (TOM simply shakes his head.) TOM: Y'know what disturbs me most about Boyd, guys? (Slowly, all three look towards the camera; MIKE looking disturbed. TOM: (laughing it off) But it's probably the usual reaction from a (They chuckle amiably at TOM's assessment.) CROW: That sounds about right, Tom... (The hexfield opens to reveal the interior of a kitchen. PITCH is PITCH: (rubbing his hands together) Ahhhh... Greetings one and all! (An older man looking a lot like Kevin Murphy dressed up to look like WILFORD: Hello! (Behind PITCH and WILFORD, PEARL -still dressed in a black suit and her PEARL: Ok, Pitch; I don't know what you've done for breakfast, but it's (PEARL departs.) PITCH: (looking to WILFORD with a shrug) Uh, I don't know what to say... (The hexfield closes with a bump.) MIKE: (shaking his head) Well, I guess it just goes to show that you (The movie-sign lights start flashing.) TOM: Great, now we have spam-sign again... (They quickly depart the console room.) (.....6.....) (Theater Interior. The rant slowly scrolls up the screen.) CROW: So, whatta ya think this one's all about? > Subject: Hell Now Larger Than EVER! ALL: (groaning) Oh no... TOM: Y'know guys? I think I'm never going to go to church again. It's just too depressing! TOM: Him again? What *is* it with this guy? MIKE: He must enjoy inflicting pain, Tom. CROW: Mike, after the previous two bits of USEnet diarrhea from this nut, he'd have to be the most sadistic clown since Jack Nicholson put on white face and went traipsing around Gotham City... > Organization: The One TRUE Church MIKE: (after thinking about CROW's statement) Hmmm... He *is* a bit > Newsgroups: alt.homosexual over-the-top in a comic-book, cartoonish, Fred-Phelps-kinda way... TOM: (as if having the same revelation) Yeah! And his dialogue *is* full of overly-descriptive alliteration and childish emotional appeals... CROW: Hey! All he really needs is a skin-tight costume and a cape! ALL: (shouting) It's Normal Boy! CROW: (paraphrasing Kenny from "Gamera") "Enemy of all people". > I attended a twenty-four hour Prayer Rally at Church again on Sunday guy... TOM: Well, wouldn't you? MIKE: Y'know guys, after a while I'd probably ask God for a break; prophetic visions can really get in the way of a guy's beauty sleep. > It seems that a new wing has been added just for sexual TOM: Tonight on "Sixty Minutes"! > perverts, most of whom are homosexuals. More about that later. MIKE: (as an aside to TOM) Actually, I already read about this in "The Onion". It's no big surprise. > I don't want any of you to get the wrong idea. ALL: Too late. > There are more MIKE: Whoa! Population surveys in Hell! > heterosexuals in hell than homosexuals. The problem is that 98% of the > homosexual population goes to hell, while only about 66.6% of the > heterosexual population goes to hell. CROW: Well, where do you think all the telemarketers go? TOM: But what about that 2% of homosexuals who aren't in Hell? CROW: Oh, well they have time off in Limbo for good behavior! > God does NOT hate homosexual MIKE: Wouldn't you think that being a disembodied soul in Heaven would > people. He loves them and is eager to heal and to cleanse them of the > nasty affliction that makes them lust after members of the same sex. kinda address that issue? > But TOM: Jehovah: butch dominatrix. > He cannot tolerate disobedience. CROW: (after making a whip-cracking sound) On your knees, maggots! Worship at my feet! TOM: Geez Crow, again with God's foot-fetish? CROW: I, uh, don't know what you're talking about, Servo... > He despises their sin and His Flaming TOM: And now we have a flaming God... > Wrath is cast down onto those who cling to their sins and actually take > pride in them. CROW: (as God) Oh, you thilly boy! Heaven is for *everyone*! (giggle) > Homosexuals destroy the fabric of society by making MIKE: For an allegedly former-homosexual himself, I kinda get the > wanton sex the basis of relationships. feeling that Brother Boyd had the wrong idea about what the basis of a relationship is in the first place. CROW/TOM: (sarcastically) Noooooo...! > They also abuse children in an TOM: (in a whisper) Pssst! Hey kid, wanna buy a lifestyle, cheap? > effort to recruit them into the devil's lifestyle. CROW: First one's free... > Heterosexuals prey on CROW: (in a bad Lugosi/Count Floyd accent) Blah! Blah! I vant to suck > the young as well, and God will annihilate them for that, but homosexuals > are obsessed with "boys" and actually vampirize their youth and vigor. your...! MIKE: (grabbing CROW's beak and holding it shut) That's enough of that, Crow... CROW: (muffled) Awwww... > Vampires and werewolves are not the creatures of books and movies, but TOM: Oh great, now he's bashing gay werewolves! > there are homosexuals who drain the vitality and bodily fluids of others. MIKE: I wonder if he knows about Buster Wilde? > God showed me harsh visions of the lower depths of hell so you would out. > get the message about homosexuality and mend your ways in time to stay TOM: You sure he wasn't just trying to send *you* the message, Norman? > Homosexuals who open up their dirty anuses to penetration by other CROW/TOM: Eeewwwwwwww! > men and any number of inanimate -- and one or two animate -- we all know > about the gerbils some people use -- TOM: Geez, Mike! This is really disturbing! He's really obsessed with all sorts of deviant behavior here! MIKE: Hang in there, Tom. TOM: Oh, I'm not concerned for me, Mike. I'm worried about him! Normalboy's obsessions really seem unhealthy! If he's not careful he could end up stressing himself to an early grave! CROW: If *I* were him, I'd be more worried that my sphincter would tighten up to the point where I'd pucker myself out of existence. MIKE: (suppressing a laugh) Crow!! > objects will be impaled on sharp MIKE: (in a "Mole People" professor voice) Down ... down... > stalagmites in the new wing of hell, which is called "the Caves." CROW/TOM: Mike! MIKE: (cowed) Sorry, sorry... > Corrosive fumes rise from the floor of the Caves at intervals, burning CROW: (like a high school principal at a prom) All right, who spiked > the flesh of the spiked Sodomites. the Sodomites? > There are frequent volcanic eruptions CROW: "Joe Versus The Volcano 2: Hell's Revenge" > and showers of hot cinders, from which no sinner can escape. MIKE: Starring Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and Rosanne along with a host of diabolic extras! TOM: Coming this Christmas to a theater near you. > On the TOM: Humans have secret parts? > shoulders of each such sinner sits another with his secret parts > (sometimes including the anus) close to the mouth of the Stalagmite > Sitters. MIKE: Yeah, we don't talk about it often, Tom. They're small compartments under our arms where we store our valuables. CROW: Really? Neat! > Urine and feces pour forth in great abundance into the mouth of TOM: Geez Crow, you were saying something about a potty mouth? > the Shoulder Straddlers. CROW: I think I'm going to have to scrub my eyes out with soap after reading this. > Men can be stacked five or six high in this TOM: Oh, I get it; Hell has a Tupperware-like efficiency! > way. > The topmost has a stalactite shoved down his throat. The sinners MIKE: Wouldn't it be easier to simply tape their eyelids open and force > writhe and struggle to free themselves from the endless torment but in > vain. them to watch "The View" for all eternity? > Demons fly by and rip limbs off the sufferers and feast on them. CROW: Arianna Huffington and Janet VanDyne? > Their urine and feces are smeared into the open wounds. The air is thick > with biting gadflies and stinging wasps. > A demon announces that the CROW: Well *there's* Norman's problem! He's been listening to > Caves are to be considered the steamrooms and saunas in which hundreds of > homosexual fantasies were played out on God's Green Earth. announcements made by demons! TOM: You'd think he'd be smarter than to listen to their accounts of what the afterlife is like... (after a brief pause) CROW: (muttering in a Beavis-like voice) Heh-heh. Demons rule... > Lesbians who closed their wombs to men are often impaled on geysers whose guy! CROW: Spurting geysers; women who'll have nothing to do with him... You don't need a shrink to figure out this message, Tom. > Parasitic worms chew away at the breasts they withheld from men MIKE: Makes you kinda wonder what's gonna happen to all those guys with > and had tattooed with other women's names and images. the word "Mom" tattooed on their shoulders... > Frequent TOM: "Hellquakes"? Great, now he's trying to get creative on us. > hellquakes add to their torment, but they are never dislodged from their > positions. CROW: Trust me, Tom; Normalboy doesn't even have the creativity of a sub-par AD&D fan-fic author... MIKE: An AD&D author who never gets dislodged from his position? Now that *is* Hell! > Others who used their fingers to touch forbidden things TOM: How Promethean; Boyd's borrowing from *every* theology now! > clutch at stalactites from which sulfuric and nitric acid drips > endlessly, running down their flabby bodies and dissolving their flesh, > which soon regenerates. CROW: So Mike, refresh my memory again on the Ph-level of the afterlife and the solubility of the human soul? > Their blood falls into the mouths of their ALL: Ewwwwww! > sisters sitting astride volcanic cones. Soon, lime joins sinners > together as stalactites and stalagmites merge and pierce the internal > organs of sinners, adding to their agony as their entrails burst forth > and spatter those being tortured below. CROW: Geez, Boyd! MIKE: (groaning) Well, *that* was a Freddy Krueger moment... TOM: So, snuff films and stories are illegal, but as long as you disguise it as preaching, it's Ok? > The screams of the damned never stop, but they only echo back from of Hell. MIKE: Well, the maintenance staff has to be able to get in to clean out the offices every Wednesday and Saturday. > The smell of sulfur is so thick you have to CROW: But you'll want to use a spoon to get every drop! > cut it with a chainsaw. > None of you want to go to hell, I know. But to get into Heaven where I don't know why I keep bringing it up... > you must turn your back on lust -- MIKE: But Lucy Lawless in fishnet stockings with a whip just might be > particularly on filthy homosexual lust. The most gorgeous man is not > worth an eternity in the Caves. though... > Trust me on this one and REPENT now! TOM: (singing in falsetto) R-E-P-E-N-T, find out what it means to me! > Please, pray to God and He will heal you now. Think about the gruesome (The guys get up, MIKE picking up TOM as they get ready to go) > horrors of hell and flee from them. MIKE: Don't worry... > Praying hard for all you hellbound FILTH, grant you mercy ... *in HELL*! > Brother Norman Boyd (.....1.....) (SOL Interior. GYPSY is standing with the guys as they walk on-camera TOM: Brother, I hope that's the last we hear of *that* mook! (There's a brief pause as CROW ponders this.) CROW: (breaking down and crying) G...gold-plated freak? (Commercial sign lights start flashing.) TOM: Great, now we've got commercial sign. (----------go to commercial----------) (Theater Interior. The web page slowly loads as the guys enter and sit MIKE: I'm sorry, Crow. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings... > Indicators of Satanic Involvement TOM: Barring a signed photo of Anton LeVey, that is... > by David L. Brown CROW: Hey! Didn't he write that warning to parents about Magic: The Gathering? MIKE: At least it's not another USEnet spam from Normalboy. CROW: Well, he's still a repeat offender in *my* book... When are they gonna start locking these nuts up? MIKE: Crow, Mr. Brown is just voicing his opinion. CROW: No, I meant Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy! > The existence of one or two of these things is not 100% proof that the MIKE: But it just might be; so feel justified in the violation of your young > person is involved in Satanism. offspring's privacy! > It does mean you should look deeper. CROW: Use a microscope... > Check MIKE: Be sure to check for moles or warts on their skin; and don't > the persons bedroom, the garage, the basement, tree house or near by woods > to see if you find other signs. forget to see if your child floats when bound and thrown into a nearby river... That's a sure sign of Satan's influence! > If you uncover a number of these signs, it CROW: Or contact your local exorcist. > is a good indicator that the person is dabbling in the occult. If you have > any questions contact David Brown at the address that appears at the end of > this article. anyway? MIKE: Well, it could be due to anything, Tom. Stripped out images, bad formatting... TOM: Incompetent usage of the World Wide Web... MIKE: Well, yeah... Anything! > Look for These Signs -- TOM/CROW: (singing) "Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs...!" > Occult drawings on books, notebooks > Discovery of a diary (called a Book of Shadows) filled with strange signs, TOM: (in a teenage-kinda voice) "Dear Diary... I think Marilyn Manson > Poems speaking of blood, murder, Satan, evil, dying > or mocking God CROW: Ok, ok, ok... Stop me if you've heard this one... Jehovah and Lucifer are walking into a bar... TOM/MIKE: (dryly) We've heard it. > An unusual interest in the Bible without a change in behavior (many people Bible today and ... and his behavior is just as pearly-white as it was yesterday! TOM: (as a concerned father) It must be Satanic influence! > Discovery of a copy of the "Satanic Bible" or "Satanic Rituals" by Anton CROW: "The Tempest"! MIKE: "The Wizard of Oz"! > Interest in occult-related movies, video games minutes of "Practical Magic" and *already* I wanted to kill someone... > Obsession with fantasy role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons, itself! > He/she is called by a different name by friends practitioners of the Dark Arts... > Talking in rhyme Devil! > Boys growing long fingernails Satanist! > Previously unnoticed cuts, marks, tattoos, or brands on the body (These tends to stagger to the left. Either way, I say we call in Father Troughton. > Eating raw meat > Unusually violent rebellion TOM: (in falsetto) Luke's just not a farmer, Owen; he has too much of > Occult paraphernalia like bones, animal skulls, knives, candle > Evidence of animal torture or sacrifice > What if you discover your son or daughter is dabbling in Satanism or the be broken... > First, keep calm. Don't lose your temper. Let them know you love CROW: Then, when they least suspect it, >WHAM!!< club them like a baby > them and are concerned about their well being. seal and take them off to an intervention! > Warn of the dangers MIKE: Above all, don't discuss different theological beliefs with your > associated with Satanism, witchcraft and occult practices. It may be wise to > contact your pastor, a Christian organization that specializes in working > with youth dabbling in occult activities or your local police department. children. It'll only confuse the impressionable scamps. > Dabbling in Satanism is not just a phase your child will out grow. CROW: (in a Valley-girl accent) Like, I was totally into Satanism once, but it's -like- *so* last year. I worship Mithras now! > For more information, write: > Logos Communication Research & Counseling Dept. > Links For Your Convenience MIKE: Y'know, my sister bought me an Occult Tie once. It was this awful > [ Home ] [ Lauren Stratford ] [ Hitler's Occult Ties ] thing with green stripes and yellow dots... > [ Dangers of Hypnosis ] [ Magic -The Gathering ] CROW: Been There! TOM: Read That! MIKE: Choked on the T-shirt... > [ The Martial Arts ] CROW: (in a 1950's announcer's voice) Redefining reality for a better > [ Mythology Examined ] [ New Age Dictionary ] tomorrow! > [ Occult Numerology & (9) TOM: I don't suppose he's talking about Trekkies, do you? ] > [ Ouija Board - A Game? ] [ About Pocahontas ] [ The Rising Subculture ] MIKE: (chuckling) Somehow, I doubt it... > [ Paganism Examined ] [ Truth About Witches ] [ Witch and Witchcraft ] CROW: You'd think that after centuries of slander and libel, at least > [ A Letter to Witches ] [ Witchcraft Today ] *one* Witch would take these guys to court. MIKE: I think the statute of limitations against the authors of the "Malleus Malificarum" ran out some years ago, Crow. > [ Satan Defined ] CROW: Hmmm... Now what was that line Gandalf used in "The Two Towers" > [ The Purpose of Satan ] [ Does Satan Exist? ] [ Doom of Satan's Lie ] > [ Satanic Indicators ] [ Satan's Strategy ] to describe a person who studies the ways of the enemy? > [ D&D - The Game ] MIKE: Gee, all that fuss over just one letter in the alphabet... > [ D&D - Biblical View ] [ D&D-Christian Concerns ] [ D&D - Overview ] TOM: I shudder to think of what he has to say about M&M's. > How you can be Sure you are going to Heaven comments to this guy? TOM: Man, God's admission policies have really gotten lax! MIKE: (picking up TOM and heading out) Well, at least salvation can be found via the Internet. A lot of religions are still using snail mail... (They depart the theater.) (.....1.....) (SOL Interior.) CROW: Whew! That was mercifully short! (MIKE goes running after the bots as the mads light starts to flash. (Castle. BOBO is strapped down under a Goldfinger-like laser as PEARL PEARL: (in a slow, steady tone) So, Agent Bobo-Seven; you have (OBSERVER steps in from stage-left abruptly, panting.) OBSERVER: Madame! You can call off the vivisection! (With a (Fade to black as we hear a ZAP and BOBO's scream of pain.) OBSERVER: I'll get the Bactine. -----x----- CREDITS: Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust. Special thanks to Jonah Falcon (NYnLAJo...@aol.com) for the Liberace Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo, Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment (Keep Circulating The Tapes) > And I can guarantee you
> He's going to turn you goats into a huge heap of burgoo! You must Sign in before you can post messages.
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