[MiSTied] Gay?
Sylvan SilverNight
group that was intended for serious discussion about gay issues. The
fact that it contained nothing but trite, tired dogma and a complete
lack of a willingness to discuss and debate the issues made me want to
MiST it very badly. I hope I have not offended anyone's religion with
this; it was my intent to -rather- poke fun at the poster and not the
faith he claims to represent.
-David J Rust
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
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(Scene: SOL Interior. TOM and CROW are behind the main console
"dancing" as Ookla The Mok's song "SuperPowers" plays from a boombox set
in the foreground. TOM is dressed up in his Batman costume and CROW is
dressed as Spiderman.)
CROW: Whoo! Get down, Tom!
TOM: (singing along) Now, I'm a superhero; I've got my superpowers...
(MIKE walks in, looking miffed at the loud volume.)
MIKE: (shouting over the music) Guys! Hey guys!
CROW/TOM: What?
MIKE: What in Sam Hill is goin' on here? (he turns down the music on
the boombox) Does this have to be so loud?
CROW: Yes.
TOM: It does.
MIKE: (noticing the costumes and indicating TOM's cape) Well, what is
all ... this ... stuff?
CROW: Well, you remember when Pearl accidentally left the firewall open
on her web server last week?
MIKE: Uh, no...
TOM: Well, Crow and me were able to hit Amazon.com and a few other
online music and book stores and place a few orders...
CROW: ...billing all of them to Bobo!
MIKE: And you bought this music...
CROW: Oh, this is only the tip of the iceberg Mike!
TOM: Yes, this music -as you put it- has galvanized us to realize our
life-long dreams and become Superheroes!
CROW: We've ordered sixteen graphic novels, two copies of the audio book
"Kingdom Come" and even the latest "Ookla" CD. We can't fail!
TOM: It's head-bangingly good!
(The two bots go back to dancing, as MIKE listens to the music for a few seconds.)
MIKE: (nodding appreciatively) Well, it *is* good, but 'headbanging'?
TOM: Hey, it's the music of Superheroes!
CROW: How else would you dance to it?
(The two start head-banging more violently now.)
MIKE: So, uh, what kind of Superheroes are you anyway?
CROW: Well, about a month ago, when I was down cleaning out storage bay
two, I got bitten by this spider, see? Well, it turns out that that
wayward arachnid had been soaked in Borax, -thus making it a mutant
that transferred its powers to me- so now I'm the Amazing Spider-Crow!
TOM: Yeah, and I got this neat utility belt!
MIKE: (nodding) Uh-huh... I see... So, what kind of crime do you
fight? Corporate embezzlement? Robberies? We don't really have much
of that stuff up here on the Satellite...
(MIKE turns off the boombox and the bots stop dancing, clearly perplexed.)
TOM: Mike, Mike, Mike... Being a Superhero isn't about fighting crime...
MIKE: It isn't?
TOM: No... It's about having cool powers and beating up authority figures!
CROW: Like this!
(CROW gestures with his arm at MIKE and a black cargo net springs
upwards from behind the counter -somewhat aligned with CROW's
outstretched arm- to cover MIKE completely.)
MIKE: Hey!
CROW: I got him! I got him!
TOM: Great! Now let's go catch Catwoman!
CROW: Gypsy?
TOM: Whatever...
(The two head off-camera as MIKE pulls the cargo net off of himself.
Commercial sign lights flash.)
MIKE: (to the camera with a sigh) We'll be right back...
TOM: (off-camera) Prepare to be brought to justice evil-doer!
CROW: (off-camera) Woo-hoo!
GYPSY: (off-camera) Hey guys... Back off! Crow...?
(Off-camera, we hear sounds of a scuffle and the smashing of furniture.
MIKE hits the commercial sign lights.)
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL. TOM and CROW are standing behind the main console with bandages
on. CROW wears a sling on his web-casting arm and a bandage around his
head. TOM is wearing a bandage around his head and has a few band-aids
on his body. MIKE has taken the costumes off the bots and piled them on
the counter. GYPSY is watching.)
MIKE: Well, I hope you two learned your lesson...
CROW: Boy, did we ever!
TOM: Yeah, never give away the element of surprise when attacking Gypsy!
GYPSY: That's for sure.
(The lights flash.)
MIKE: (sighing) Well, here we go again. Look limber, guys.
(Castle Forrester. BOBO is sitting next to PEARL scratching himself
furiously. Tiny puffs of smoke occasionally rise from his fur where
he's scratching - somewhat akin to what you get when you shoot a cap
gun. PEARL is looking annoyed while BOBO makes occasional 'ouch' sounds.)
PEARL: Good evening, Nelson... Sleep well?
BOBO: Oh, mommy... Make it stop! Make it stop!
PEARL: Hush-up, Bobo. Mommy ... (sighs) ... the Lawgiver's on the phone.
(SOL. Everyone is staring oddly at the camera as if trying to figure
out what's going on.)
MIKE: Gee, Pearl. What's up with Bobo?
(Castle.)
PEARL: Well, it seems that while he was cleaning part of the attic, Bobo
here opened a chest that he shouldn't have and got exposed to the
famous, ancient Family Forrester curse...
BOBO: Ooh! Ouch! Oh, it stings!
PEARL: (to BOBO) Can it, fuzzy...
(SOL.)
MIKE: (wincing) That's terrible, Pearl...
CROW: Yeah, what'd it do to him?
(Castle.)
PEARL: Well, it turns out that the curse was largely a dud after so many
years, so all it really did was give Bobo a case of radioactive fleas.
BOBO: Can you get me some more flea powder, Lawgiver?
PEARL: (taking a can of powder and up-ending it over BOBO's head.) The
worst part is that we haven't seen Brain Guy ever since he walked in to
this old wardrobe we found up there next to Bobo's locked chest. (she
spreads her arms helplessly) One minute he walks inside and the next,
*poof* - he's gone!
BOBO: (nodding and brushing flea powder off himself) I smelled pine trees...
PEARL: But, the long and short of it is that with Brain Guy gone and
Bobo's fleas exploding every time he scratches them, *I* have to do all
the hard work around here... Answering doors, cooking food...
BOBO: ...giving me a flea bath...
PEARL: (shuddering) ...giving Bobo a flea-bath... Needless to say,
Nelson, I'm not in a good mood. So, to show you just how evil I can be,
I decided I'd send you a bit of unwanted tripe that was sent -innocently
enough- to alt.discuss.gay on the USEnet. It's a wonderfully
self-aggrandizing bit of spam that avoids "discussion" all together in
favor of condemnation and rote repetition of selected bible passages
guaranteed to make most real Christians blush. I hope you have your
crash helmets on...
(SOL.)
ALL: Oh geez...!
CROW: Pearl, what did we ever do to you?
TOM: Yeah!
(Castle.)
PEARL: What did you ever do to me? Well, for one, you exist and
second... Oh, never mind! I'll find a Bible-verse to cover it later.
Until then, read on and despair! (she laughs evilly)
BOBO: (using a back-scratcher now) Ohhhh... That feels good. Could
you get me some more flea-powder, Lawgiver?
PEARL: (scowling) Y'know Bobo, even radioactive fleas can't breathe in
a vacuum...
BOBO: (alarmed) Oh!
(SOL. Lights are flashing.)
MIKE: Great, now we're in for it. Bible verses AND controversial issues...
CROW/TOM: We have USEnet siiiiign!
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> Subject: Gay?
TOM: Got Pride?
> Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 10:51:07 -0800
> From: <soulw...@vvm.com>
CROW: (in a game-show host's voice) Yes, Johnny, tell her what she's won...!
TOM: (in a similar voice) You got it Bob! Soulw...@vvm.com, you've
just won your very own ... SOUL!
CROW/MIKE: (make soft crowd noises and cheering)
TOM: (still in announcer's voice) You'll be able to take your soul
touring along the beautiful I-94 highway, seeing such sights as the
beautiful Saint Croix River Valley ... Creative Lighting ... the
Minneapolis Basilica Dome right next to lovely Loring Park...
CROW/MIKE: Ooooooooo! Ahhhhhh!
TOM: (announcer) But that's not all ... you'll be taking your soul to
dine at the lovely Cafe Zev...
CROW/MIKE: (making soft crowd noises and cheering)
TOM: (announcer) ...with music and dancing afterwards at the Brass
Rail! Yes, you and your soul will have a gay, ol' time thanks to your
friends at The Price Is Right!
CROW/MIKE: (making soft crowd noises and cheering)
> Organization: Nothing But The Blood Of JESUS!!!!
CROW: That's gotta be sticky...
TOM: Clean up! Aisle 3!
> Newsgroups: alt.discuss.gay
>
> Dear Friend,
>
> Can I assume that you are a homosexual?
CROW: I dunno; can we assume you're an unthinking, self-righteous, evangelist?
MIKE: Crow!
> It doesn't matter to me if you are
> or not because I love you anyway...
TOM: (dryly) Oh, how magnanimous of you...
> but I do want you to know what the bible
> says about it...because I believe what the bible says...not believe "in the
> bible"
TOM: So doesn't believe in the book, but believes in it's contents?
Doesn't he think that's what's meant by "Believing in the Bible"?
MIKE: When you can't be succinct, split hairs Tom...
> but I believe that is the divine word of god, the word that man must
> follow...
TOM: So much for "free will".
>
> I hope that this email will explain my postion more clearly...
>
> May god bless you,
CROW: Achooo! (sniffle) Gee, thanks!
> soulw...@vvm.com
>
> "The Bible & The Homosexual"
MIKE: Tonight, after "Will & Grace".
>
> By E. L. Bynum
>
> Many years ago it was not proper to speak in public about homosexuality. It
> was something that polite, decent people just did not
> talk about.
CROW: Controversy had yet to come into vogue.
TOM: Y'know to me it's pretty darn obvious... The repression of
discussion about culturally taboo subjects like homosexuality gave fuel
to the vehement homophobic culture that we see today. It was an
inevitable outcome of the 1960's clash between the secular and
culturally-entrenched, predominantly-Christian philosophies in Western culture.
MIKE: You bring up a good point Tom; but what about the psychology of
the individual? Surely, you can't lay the blame for current trends
solely upon a sociological maxim!
TOM: Says who, Nelson? In "Nurture vs. Nature", "Nurture" clearly wins!
The resulting conflict with others in society...
CROW: (interrupting) Hey guys! Guys!
MIKE/TOM: What?
CROW: Can't we just say that a whole lot of people in the Western world
-through no fault of their own- just got up on the wrong side of the bed
one morning and got their undies in a bunch?
(silence as they ponder CROW's statement)
MIKE: (shrugging) Sounds Ok to me.
TOM: Yeah, I guess so. I especially like the bit about the undies, Crow.
CROW: Thanks!
> They knew it existed, but they knew it was wrong. Religious
> people knew the Bible condemned it as a sin.
CROW: Along with witchcraft, working on Sundays and saying "Jehovah".
MIKE: (in falsetto) He said Jehovah! Stone Him!
TOM: Are there any women here?
MIKE: (in falsetto trying to sound masculine) Uh, no... No...
> Perhaps too
> many Christians have been silent too long on the subject.
CROW: Apparently Mr. Bynum hasn't picked up a newspaper recently.
TOM: Yeah, the silence from Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Trent Lott
has been deafening!
> In the last 20
> years there has been tremendous change in public attitudes.
> This has come about through the influence of magazines, newspapers, and
> books, which have advocated a soft and sympathetic
> attitude toward this sin.
TOM: And, as we all know, Christianity has nothing to do with sympathy!
> Some doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists have
> defended homosexuality.
CROW: In short, don't trust scientists! They're immoral and challenge
well-documented ignorance...
> The movie industry has
> portrayed homosexuality and lesbianism in a sympathetic way. In movie
> theaters and over television, sodomy has been introduced
> to adults and children alike.
ALL: (in dry, monotone) Hello, sodomy...
> It has had an impact on public opinion. Now
> the homosexuals are coming out in the open and bragging
> about their practice.
TOM: (in stereotypical redneck, southern accent) Whoo-ee! Ah jus'
bagged me a leatherman last weekend, how 'bout you guys?
CROW: (in similar accent to TOM) Well, Ah spotted a hairdresser with
rainbow plumage but...
TOM/MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: He got away...
TOM/MIKE: Awwww...
> Many "gay parades" have been held. Some cities have
> had "gay pride week." ("Gay" is a slang word that
> homosexuals use to describe themselves.)
CROW: Unlike the correct term, "Queer".
>
> So it is high time that this subject be discussed in the light of the Bible.
CROW: Hey, how come *my* Bible doesn't shed light?
MIKE: Did you check the batteries?
> That we propose to do, as plainly as we know how.
TOM: Uh-oh. He's using the royal 'we' now, guys. Does that make him a King?
CROW: Or a Queen?
MIKE: (chuckling) I don't think so, Crow...
> We
> have no intention of using offensive language or lurid descriptions of
> homosexuality.
CROW: Instead, we ask you to trust in our allusions and non-specific
inferences as your sole source for information about this complex and
intricate topic.
> We trust that carnal curiosity will not be
> aroused, but that the reader will be brought to a greater realization of the
> holiness of God.
TOM: And what better way to achieve that than by posting this to the
Internet; a place devoid of sex-starved perverts!
> Sex is not dirty or immoral,
MIKE: Unless it takes place in a mud pit down at "Solid Gold".
CROW/TOM: Hunh?
MIKE: Uh, so I've heard...
> IF it is used
> according to Bible teaching. "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed
> undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers
> God will judge." Heb. 13:4.
TOM: Hmmm... Seems t' me that this little problem could be overcome by
allowing gay people to get married.
> Some Helpful Definitions
MIKE: Better persecution made easy...
>
> The following definitions are taken from Webster's New Twentieth Century
> Dictionary, Unabridged, Second Edition, 1975.
> "Homosexuality, !. Sexual desire for those of the same sex. 2. sexual
> relations between individuals of the same sex."
> "Homosexual, one whose sexual inclination is toward those of the
> individual's own sex rather than the opposite sex."
TOM: Hey Mike, what's another word for "homosexual"?
MIKE: Why don't you look it up in the online Merriam-Webster Thesaurus.
TOM: I tried, but it's not in there...
CROW: Hmm... I guess there are no synonyms then, Tom.
MIKE: Yeah... If Merriam-Webster says there aren't, then there aren't!
> "Sodomite, a person who practices sodomy." "Sodomy, any sexual intercourse
> regarded as abnormal, as between persons of
> the same sex, especially males, or between a person and an animal."
> "Lesbian, a homosexual woman."
CROW: See also, Lea DeLaria.
> "Lesbianism, the sexual
> practices of Lesbians; homosexuality between women.
TOM: Think this guy ever thought to look up the words "Consensual" or
"Love" while he was doing his research?
MIKE: Maybe his dictionary doesn't have those words, Tom.
> The Bible Is Against Homosexuality
CROW: However, it is for holy wars, theological genocide and the
justification for just about everything else we want banned or supported.
MIKE: Geez, Crow... It's not all *that* bad!
CROW: You've gotta understand something about this Mike; these are the
same people who'd stop me from dating! Me!
MIKE: Crow, you're not gay.
CROW: Yeah, but if I want to ask another robot out, wouldn't that be robosexuality?
MIKE: I guess so...
CROW: And these jokers would find something -some obscure combination of
Biblical words- to deny me that!
MIKE: I think I see where this is going...
TOM: Yeah, so do I! Crow, I'm putting my foot down; you can't date Gypsy!
MIKE: (doing a double-take) Hunh?
CROW: (to TOM) Oh yeah? Yeah? You...you... Robophobe!
MIKE: Robophobe?
>
> Regardless of what man may say about homosexuality, the Bible believer must
> turn to the Bible to get God's truth on the subject.
MIKE: Because, as we all know, God wrote the Bible; fallible humans did not.
> Here we will find the eternal truth, which should forever settle the issue.
TOM: Well, if it's an eternal truth, isn't it kinda redundant to say it
will "forever" settle the issue?
> Surely no one who has working knowledge of the Bible
> could ever contend that this Holy Book condones homosexual acts.
TOM: And we all know that agreement on the meaning of the Bible is
universal and could never result in differing factions or interpretations!
CROW: I think we're in for a long haul guys...
> The
> preachers and churches who advocate the homosexual
> life style, simply do not know the Bible or believe what it says.
MIKE: Ah yes! Refuse to discuss different opinions and then dismiss the
beliefs of those who disagree with you. The hallmark of a truly great debater.
> Both the
> Old and New Testaments bear abundant proof that God
> considers it to be a wicked and terrible sin.
CROW: So, basically, God -in his Holy Wisdom ... who created everything
and had complete choice over what would go into the making of the
Universe- doesn't like something that he made and now wants to punish
the people who wound up that way.
TOM: Hmmm... Something doesn't quite add up, does it?
>
> Homosexuality is contrary to nature! God told Adam and Noah to "multiply,
> and replenish the earth." If Adam or Noah
> and his sons had adapted a total homosexual way of life, then the human race
> would have come to an end.
MIKE: As opposed to a world descended from one, in-bred family?
CROW: What? Arkansas?
> It is obvious today, if all
> the earth's people became homosexuals, the human race would come to an end.
TOM: Hasn't this joker ever heard of bisexual people?
> Of course some homosexuals are bisexual, and do
> bear children.
TOM: Oh. Never mind...
CROW: Y'know, by his logic some *hetero*sexuals are bisexual and would
bear children...
> Sodom And The First Mention Of Homosexuality
>
> Genesis is the book of beginnings.
CROW: And Terminus is the book of endings.
MIKE: Wasn't he a Fantastic Four villain?
CROW: (disgusted) Yeah, a poor-man's Galactus.
TOM: I wonder if any superheroes or villains are gay...
MIKE: I think that Lightning Lass and Shrinking Violet had a thing going
on for a bit.
TOM: And there's the endless debate over Batman and Robin.
MIKE: Well, that's just due to the whole color-coordinated, spandex
thing, Tom.
CROW: So, everyone in comics is gay?
TOM: Looks that way, Crow.
MIKE: Uh, that's not what I meant, guys...
> There is a rule followed by fundamental
> Bible students, that is known as the law or rule of "first
> mention." When you find something mentioned the first time in Genesis, this
> will set a pattern for understanding it throughout the
> Bible.
MIKE: So we're ignoring that bit about "And God saw what he created and
said that it was good"...
> This certainly holds true on homosexuality. "...the men of Sodom were
> wicked and sinners before the LORD
> exceedingly." Genesis 13:13.
CROW: Ah yes; well with specific charges like that...
> We are not long left in doubt of the nature of
> the sin Sodom was noted for.
TOM: I should hope not; don't keep us in suspense!
>
> God revealed to Abraham that He was going to destroy Sodom, "Because the cry
> of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and
> because their sin is very grievous;"
CROW: That, and they simply won't return their library books on time.
> Gen. 18:20. God sent two angels,
TOM: Cheryl Ladd and Jaclyn Smith?
> who
> appeared as men,
CROW: Ahhhh... David Doyle and Farrah Faucett!
> into Sodom to warn Lot and his
> family to flee the city. The angels spent the night in Lot's house.
MIKE: They drank all the milk and played Lot's records until all hours
of the night...
> That
> night the men of Sodom surrounded the house and asked,
> him, "Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out
> unto us, that we may KNOW them." Gen.
> 19:5. It is clear that the Bible uses the word "know" many times to describe
> a sex act between two individuals.
CROW: So, it wasn't homosexuals but -instead- some guys with an angel
fetish that got God angry?
TOM: Hmmm... I wonder what it means when the Bible says something about
knowing God?
> "And Adam
> knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain,..." "And Cain KNEW his
> wife;
TOM: Well, I should *hope* he knew her... He married her, didn't he?
CROW: So, basically, every time the Bible uses the word "Know", it's
code for intimate, forbidden behavior... That's really creepy; God's
inspiration couldn't overcome the prudish tendency to mince one's words.
> and she conceived, and bare
> Enoch:..." Gen. 4:1,17.
CROW: Isn't bearing a Eunuch also a violation of reproduction?
MIKE: That's "Enoch", Crow.
> Lot offered to give the men of Sodom his two
> unmarried daughters, which had not "KNOWN man",
TOM: They didn't know what a man was?
CROW: Lot sure didn't teach them much about the world, did he, Mike?
MIKE: Uh, other meaning of the world "Know" guys...
TOM/CROW: Ohhhhh!
(after a pause)
TOM: Wait a sec! He offered up his own daughters to a group of horny
frat boys?
CROW: Y'know, Lot seems like a real jerk...
MIKE: He was probably an ancestor of Trent.
> but
> of course they were not interested in women. They wanted men because they
> were sodomites.
TOM: Yes, even in the days of the Bible, people who lived in Sodom
couldn't deny who they were...
> Even when they were smitten
> with blindness by the angels, these wicked men still wearied themselves in
> trying to find the door of Lot's house.
CROW: (as evil-Ash from "Army of Darkness") I'm blind! I'm blind!
>
> God destroyed Sodom with fire and brimstone. Anyone should be able to read
> Genesis 19 and see God's attitude toward the
> practice of homosexuals.
TOM: Provided they are suitably literal in their interpretation.
> "Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah
> brimstone and fire from the LORD
> out of heaven;" Gen. 19:24.
ALL: Ooohhhhh! Ahhhhh!
CROW: I like the ones that whistle and then go all crackly!
TOM: Me too!
> This even is mentioned many other places in the
> Bible, by Isaiah, Jeremiah and other prophets. It is
> used as an example of God's judgment by Jesus, Peter and Jude in the New
> Testament. Not one writer or speaker in the Bible
> questions God's righteousness in destroying these cities.
TOM: In the days before Witness Protection Programs.
CROW: (loudly) Uh, oh no God! Yer all right in my book! (in a low
voice) ...big jerk... (louder again) Destroy all the cities ya want!
> God's Law Forbids Homosexual Acts
MIKE: Hey! I liked "the Birdcage"!
>
> It is easy to see that homosexual acts were forbidden by the Law. "Thou
> shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it
> is abomination." Lev. 18:22.
CROW: So, "the Abomination" -famous adversary of the Incredible Hulk, is
gay too?
TOM: He came out in '93 at New York's Pride day parade.
> This sin called for the death penalty under the
> Law. "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth
> with a woman,
ALL: OUCH!
> both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely
> be put to death;" Lev. 20:13. "There
> shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of
> Israel." Deut. 23:17.
CROW: Luckily for Magdalene Mary, this was more of a guideline than an
actual law...
> "Thou shalt not commit
> adultery." Ex. 20:14. Although this verse does not mention an homosexual
> act, nevertheless, it would forbid this sin. Why?
> Because homosexuals commit adulterous acts with persons of the same sex.
TOM: And even though allowing homosexuals to marry would alleviate this
sin, we'd rather see them burn!
> Why God Commanded Nations To Be Destroyed!
CROW: Probably had something to do with too much MSG in his Chow Mein.
MIKE: I don't think God gets indigestion, Crow...
>
> Israel was told to destroy certain nations that dwelt in the land of Canaan.
> This is found a number of times in Deuteronomy and
> Joshua. It is clear that Israel not only was told to do this, but God also
> said that He would help them do it.
CROW: So this is where the term "Godfather" comes from eh?
TOM: (as Marlon Brando) Lot, I'm gonna make ya an offer ya can't refuse...
> Some liberal humanistic
> theologians of the 20th Century do not believe that God said for Israel to
> do this.
MIKE: Those wimps!
> They do not deny that it is found in the Bible, but
> they deny that God said it. They prefer to believe that the writers simply
> made it up to cover their cruelties to the inhabitants of the
> land. The Bible believer must take an entirely different approach.
CROW: They prefer to believe exactly what is printed. The end! Can we
go now, Mike?
MIKE: We've still got more to read Crow...
CROW: Yeah, but Mike! He's just going to continue interpreting
everything literally and not using his brain... What use is that?
MIKE: Well, Pearl sent this to us to cause us pain, Crow.
CROW: Yeah, but I thought she had *some* scruples!
MIKE: (patting CROW) You should know better by now, little fellah.
Hang in there, it won't last forever.
>
> Let the Bible speak.
TOM: Speak, Bible! Speak! Now sit up! Roll over! Good Book!
> In Deut. 7:1, seven nations are named and in 7:2,
> Israel is commanded: "And when the LORD thy God
> shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy
> them; thou shalt make no covenant with
> them, nor show mercy unto them."
CROW: Great, now God's being a jerk...
MIKE: Well, the Old Testament God was pretty trigger-happy, Crow.
TOM: I guess having a kid really *does* cause you to mellow...
> "And the LORD thy God will put out those
> nations before thee... LORD thy God
> shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them..." Deut. 7:22,23.
MIKE: God, the Republican.
> A
> careful study will reveal WHY God ordered whole
> nations to be destroyed by the Israelites.
CROW: And by "careful study" I mean, "literal interpretation". Sheesh!
MIKE: Stay calm, Crow... When this is all over, I'll get you a Nutter-butter.
TOM: Can I have one too?
MIKE: Sure... Nutter-butters for all!
CROW: Gee Mike, you should run for "God".
TOM: Yeah, *I'd* worship you! For Nutter-butters...
> God warned Israel concerning a
> long list of sins, including incest, adultery, having sex
> with animals and homosexuality. "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with
> womankind...
TOM: Ahhhh! Flashbacks! Mike, I'm tripping!
MIKE: He's just repeating himself Tom...
TOM: (shivering) Well, that's a relief... Sort of.
> Neither shalt thou lie with any
> beast...
CROW: Well, that lets out Linda Hamilton.
TOM: Hey! She never slept with Vincent!
CROW: Yeah, but it's the thought that counts...
> Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these
> the nations are defiled which I cast out before
> you...the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants."
ALL: Eeeeewwwww!
> Lev. 18:22-25. Man is
> forbidden to "lie with mankind, as he lieth with
> a woman,"
MIKE: Uh, Mr. Bynum? You already said that.
TOM: Ya think he's trying to drive home a point here?
MIKE: Hmmm... Maybe, but I'm just not seeing what it could be...
> and "ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast
> out before you: for they committed all
> these things, and therefore I abhorred them." Lev. 20:13,23.
CROW: Note to self: don't piss-off God...
>
> Judah was condemned during the time of Rehoboam,
TOM: The Age of Rehoboam; when Theologians roamed the Earth!
> because "there were also
> sodomites in the land: and they did
> according to all the abominations of the nations which the LORD cast out
> before the children of Israel." I Kings 14:24.
MIKE: Well of course that line came from "I Kings", "I Queens" tells it differently.
> Once again we are shown one of the principle reasons why God ordered the
> wholesale destruction of certain nations.
CROW: Sounds to me like the kind of excuses you get when a developer
wants to clear some land for building houses.
MIKE: (thoughtfully) Probably the same principle at work...
> God knew
> what he was doing, and He violated none of His attributes or laws in
> destroying them.
TOM: With the possible exception of "Thou Shalt Not Kill".
> His love, holiness and righteousness are
> vindicated by His judgments.
MIKE: So for God, the ends *do* justify the means...
> True love will never tolerate and condone
> homosexuality!!
CROW: What?!!
MIKE: Same kinda logic launched the Crusades, Crow...
TOM: And the Inquisition...
CROW: B...b...but... but... (smoke starts coming out of CROW's head)
MIKE: Uh-oh, looks like Crow's stuck in a "Norman" loop.
TOM: I thought you'd upgraded his programming without using any of those
James T. Kirk computer manuals.
MIKE: I did! He must have had a few subroutines left...
TOM: Great...
(TOM bobs over to CROW where he's sputtering and smoking. TOM makes a
motion as if kicking CROW. The audience hears a metallic "clank". CROW
stops shuddering.)
TOM: There!
CROW: (moaning as the smoke peters out) Ohhhh... What happened?
TOM: (bobbing back to his seat) Trust me, you don't want to remember...
MIKE (in a whisper to TOM) Uh, that didn't work too well for Voyager's Doctor.
TOM: Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?
> Doing Right In The Eyes Of The Lord!
CROW: Nuke a Gay Whale for Christ!
>
> Those who condoned and tolerated the sodomites were condemned by God.
TOM: Y'know for a guy who loves quotes so much, I don't see Mr. Bynum
backing specific anti-homosexual inferences like this one with any.
MIKE: It's interpretive Tom; you have to go with the flow.
TOM: Like a Manhattan dance troupe?
> However, the kings who properly handled the
> homosexual issue, "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord." King
> Asa "did that which was right in the eyes of
> the LORD,...he took away the sodomites out of the land,..." I Kings
> 15:11,12. King Jehoshaphat
TOM: And suddenly Mr. Bynum turns into a mouse!
> "did which was right in
> the eyes of the LORD:..the remnant of the sodomites,...he took out of the
> land." I Kings 22:43,46. King Josiah "did that
> which was right in the sight of the Lord,...he brake down the houses of the
> sodomites, that were by the house of the
> Lord..." II Kings 22: 23:7.
CROW: Asa, Jehoshaphat and Josia...?
TOM: It helps if you use their contemporary names; Moe, Larry and Curly.
CROW: Ahhhh!
>
> Churches, denominations and preachers who advocate, condone or excuse
> homosexuality are NOT doing that which is right in the
> sight of the Lord.
MIKE: But spreading intolerance along with fostering disrespect and fear
are OK?
> "God Gave Them Up"
TOM: In just five weeks, Nicorette helped Our Lord kick the habit...
CROW/MIKE: (in South Park voices) Our Savior!
>
> In Romans chapter 1, homosexuality is pictured as being at the end of the
> road. It is at the lowest level of human depravity. The
> stages of Gentile apostasy are clearly set forth.
CROW: Great, now he's picking on Christian grammar...
MIKE: That's "apostasy" Crow, not "apostrophe".
> "Because that, when they
> knew God, they glorified him not as God,
CROW: Whoa! Which version of "Knew" are we talking about here Mike?
MIKE: (chuckling) I think, as in "pleased to meet you, I'm Jehovah".
TOM: (in falsetto) He said it again!
> neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their
> foolish heart was darkened. Professing
> themselves to be wise, they became fools,
CROW: Who? The ditto-heads?
> And changed the glory of the
> uncorruptible God into an image made like
> to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping
> things.
TOM: (in a bad English accent) ...and to the stoats, ocelots and orangutans...
CROW: But apparently, Fish were Ok with it all.
> Wherefore God also gave them up to
> uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own
> bodies between themselves...For this
> cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change
> the natural use into that which is
> against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the
> woman, burned in their lust one toward
> another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in
> themselves that recompense of their error
> which was meet." Romans 1:21-24,26,27.
>
> Surely anyone can understand that the above Scripture condemns homosexual
> sins.
TOM: Actually, I'm still trying to parse the above Scripture, let alone
understand it...
MIKE: Y'know, given the consensus of opinion between all Christians
regarding Biblical interpretation, I don't Mr. Bynum gets out very much.
> Man turned from God to idols,
CROW: Like Mick Jagger?
> to human
> depravity,
TOM: Yep; just like Mick Jagger...
> and God gave them up. God will not countenance homosexuality,
> sodomy and lesbianism. Homosexual ministers and
> ministers who condone homosexuality have written many articles defending its
> practice, but they never bother to explain Romans
> 1. The reason is obvious.
TOM: They have better things to do.
> It cannot be explained away. It must either be
> ignored or denied.
CROW: (jumping up and down) Oh! Oh! I choose 'denied'! Can I? Can I?
MIKE: Sure thing, Crow. Whatever you want... (MIKE pats CROW's shoulder)
> Widespread homosexuality in a society
> is a sign that God has given them up! If America continues to follow the
> widespread homosexual trend, it will destroy our
> civilization.
CROW: But on the plus side, there will be a marked improvement in floral arrangements!
> Should Homosexuals Be Punished?
MIKE: I think I see this one coming...
>
> Certainly the homosexual should be punished by civil government.
MIKE: (sighing) I hate being right...
CROW: Well, that would explain your general good humor.
MIKE: Why thanks, Cr... Hey!
> The Bible
> condones laws against murder, kidnaping, adultery
> and many other sins. Society has a right to protect itself against
> destructive crimes.
TOM: Yes, the rights of the individual mean nothing to Society!
CROW: Mr. Bynum sound like the Borg.
TOM: Naw, the only assimilate things that are useful to the Collective.
> These things are not private matters and
> should not be treated as such. It is not a matter "between consenting adults
> in private," as we are told.
CROW: So, put the government into our bedrooms... Sheesh, what's next?
Establishing a theocracy?
>
> Listen to the Word of God!
TOM/CROW: TESTIFY!
> "But we know that the law is good, if a man use
> it lawfully; Knowing this, that the law is not
> made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the
> ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane,
> for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, For
> whoremongers, for them that defile
> themselves with mankind (the homosexual),
TOM: Ahhh... I see that Mr. Bynum's Bible elaborates for him.
CROW: (in the Church-Lady's voice) Well, isn't that convenient?
> for menstealers, for liars, for
> perjured persons,
TOM: Well, there's President Clinton...
> and if there be any other
> thing that is contrary to sound doctrine." I Timothy 1:8-10.
CROW: Just in case I missed anyone; you fill in the blanks!
TOM/MIKE: (in a dull monotone) Thanks, Timothy...
>
> "Defile themselves with mankind", in the above Scripture is translated from
> the Greek word "arsenokoites"
CROW: Hey! I thought the Old Testament was originally in Hebrew.
TOM: Well, it's easier to make your point if you draw from another
language than the source material...
CROW: So this guy's argument is the rough equivalent of VCR instructions
from Japan?
TOM: Yep!
CROW: Suddenly, it all makes sense.
> and it means
> "sodomites" according to Strongs Greek Dictionary. Thayer's Greek Lexicon
> defines "arsenokoites" as "one who lies with
> a male as with a female, a sodomite." So according to the above Scriptures,
> sodomy should be illegal and should be punished
> along with murder and kidnaping.
TOM: Well, why not? Heck, it's not like we have an overcrowded prison
system or anything.
> Saving Grace And The Homosexual
MIKE: "Will & Grace"?
>
> Some people contend that a homosexual cannot be saved. Generally they base
> their belief on Romans 1, which says: "God gave
> them up." Others point to I Cor. 6:9,10 to show that the homosexual cannot
> be saved. However, we believe that a close study of
> these Scriptures will prove just the opposite.
CROW: In fact we have a recipe that will allow you to save your extra
homosexuals for *weeks* on an ordinary, pantry shelf!
MIKE: (aghast) Crow! That was horrible!
CROW: Yeah, well so is having to read this post...
MIKE: You realize that most Christians aren't like this guy.
TOM: Yeah, Mike, but Bynum is so *vocal* about it! He gives a really
slanted perception of them! Is it really that much of a stretch to
imagine him condoning cannibalism?
MIKE: (sighing) Now Tom, he'd only do that if he could justify it Biblically.
CROW: Oh, like his convenient interpretation of Romans 1 and I
Corinthians 6:9-10? Face it Mike, this guy could justify the Jerry
Springer show with that Bible of his...
> We hasten to say, that we do
> not believe that a person who is saved will remain a
> homosexual.
CROW: They'll just repress it well enough so that we won't care anymore!
> That person who is saved will turn from it, repent of it and
> forsake it.
TOM: ...living a life of denial and low-self-esteem; just as God intended.
>
> Let us note what the Scripture says! Know ye not that the unrighteous shall
> not inherit the kingdom of God? "Be not deceived:
CROW: (as God) "Do not listen to E.L. Bynum - he's a twit who doesn't
know what he's talking about..."
> neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor
> abusers of themselves with mankind, (Greek
> "arsenokoites" meaning "sodomites"),
TOM: ...just in case you missed that earlier...
CROW: "abusers of themselves"? Masochists? Hey, Mike... You'd better
let Mistress Ivannova know about this...
MIKE: (sighing) Yeah, I'll call her as soon as we're... Hey!
(TOM and CROW snicker)
MIKE: Uh, I mean, "Who's Mistress Ivannova"? (sigh)
> Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor
> drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall
> inherit the kingdom of God." I Cor. 6:9,10. This would end all hope of
CROW: ...fun and enjoyment in the afterlife.
> salvation for the sodomite and a lot of others, if it were
> not for the next verse of Scripture. "And such were some of you: but ye are
> washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are
> justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God." I
> Cor. 6:11.
TOM: Justify my love!
MIKE: Well, I guess that could be interpreted that way...
CROW: Hey! I've figured it out! All a homosexual needs to do is wash
behind their ears in the name of God and he's scott-free...
MIKE: I don't think E.L. is gonna buy that interpretation...
> So there you have the truth.
CROW: Not!
TOM: Truth is a fluid thing in Mr. Bynum's Universe...
> Some of the
> Corinthian Christian had been sodomites, but they no longer were sodomites,
> for they had been washed, sanctified and justified by
> the Lord. They were no longer involved in this awful sin. They were not
> saved by quitting their sins, but they were saved out of
> their sins.
ALL: Hunh?
CROW: Guys? I think Mr. Bynum blew a fuse here.
>
> So to talk of "homosexual churches" and "homosexual ministers" and
> "homosexual weddings", is like speaking of "murder
> churches", "murder ministers" and "murder weddings."
MIKE: Well, it's nice to know he's open-minded on the subject...
> The whole idea is
> preposterous, absurd, senseless and utterly foolish, in the
> light of the Bible.
TOM: Hey, there he goes with that luminescent Bible again!
CROW: Mike, how can I get my Bible to shed light?
MIKE: Well, I'm afraid you'd need glowier-than-thou batteries...
TOM/CROW: (groans) Mike!
MIKE: Hey, I can't let you two have all the fun!
> Do They Need Love And Understanding?
>
> The homosexual needs the truth more than anything else.
TOM: God: Advocate of "tough love".
> "And ye shall know
> the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
> John 8:32. He needs to know that all human being are born with a sinful
> nature but they are not born homosexuals.
CROW: Yes, homosexuals *choose* to live a life where they are hated,
despised, beaten and killed...
> The devil
CROW: Woo-hoo!
TOM: Oh, cool; the Devil's finally making an appearance!
> would like for homosexuals to believe that they are born homosexuals, and
> that there is nothing they can do about it.
TOM: Hmmm... You mean the Devil's actually right about something?
CROW: Cool! I'm gonna go and become a Satanist! Thanks, Mr. Bynum!
(CROW gets up and starts walking out)
MIKE: (grabbing CROW) Oh, no you don't... (he sits CROW back down
again) No Anton LeVey for you, young man...
CROW: Awwww...
> They need to
> be told that it is not a sickness, but a sin! By "repentance toward God, and
> faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ" (Acts
> 20:21), they can be saved.
TOM: Yes, homosexuals and lesbians can be saved from their mutually
fulfilling lives of love, tenderness and respect. But if we act now, we
can still immerse them in an endless mire of self-loathing and despair...
(pause)
MIKE: That was really grim, Tom.
TOM: Thanks!
MIKE: (sighing) Don't mention it.
>
> To promote, encourage or participate in homosexual acts, is a grave offense
> against God. Homosexual ministers
CROW: Does he mean Catholic Priests?
> and homosexual
> churches must be especially offensive to God,
TOM: So, on one hand, he can accept a violent, vengeful God who lays
waste to entire civilizations, but ignores that these churches still
exist without being burned to the ground in divinely-inspired lightning storms...
MIKE: No one ever said "blind faith" had to include logic, Tom.
> since they promote sodomy and
> confirm sodomites in their sin. Instead of being
> encouraged in their sin, they need to be told:
CROW: "Jesus Loves You No Matter What"?
MIKE: "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself"?
TOM: "Always Wear A Condom"?
> "Repent ye therefore and be
> converted, that your sins may be blotted out."
> Acts 3:19.
>
TOM: And that's the last Act of Mr. Bynum...
CROW/MIKE: Thank God!
(They get up and leave the theater.)
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL. CROW and TOM are standing at the main console talking.)
CROW: I tell ya Tom, Mike's been acting weird ever since Pearl sent us
that spam...
TOM: Well, I'm not surprised.
CROW: Hunh? Why not?
TOM: Well, isn't it obvious? Mike must be gay!
CROW: (amazed) No!
TOM: C'mon, isn't it obvious? Clean-shaven, loves his mother, decent
style sense, likes flowers... He's done everything but paint himself pink!
CROW: Gee, that spam must've been really hard on him then.
TOM: Yeah, and it's up to us to show him that we still love him and
support him! Oh, wait... Here he comes...
(MIKE walks on-camera shaking his head carrying a print-out of the spam.)
MIKE: Hey guys... Man, it's amazing what some people will print, isn't it?
TOM: Well, Mike, you should know that Crow and I think it's simply
awful... Just awful!
CROW: Yeah! Bynum probably hasn't even met an openly gay person...
MIKE: (nodding) Well, he might have, but I really think you guys are
showing some admirable support for all those folk down there on Earth
who have to share the same planet with him.
TOM: Of course, Mike...
CROW: We always support our friends...
MIKE: Oh, you guys have some gay friends back on Earth?
CROW: Well, I don't think we'd have to go quite *that* far, if you know
what we mean...
MIKE: (shaking his head) Uh, no... I don't think I do...
TOM: Oh, Mike... You don't have to hide it around us! We support you
and love you for who you are!
CROW: Yeah, we never really bought into those stories about never being
able to get girls to go out with you during High School seriously.
TOM: But we couldn't just sit back and let Bynum's email get you down...
MIKE: (nodding) Ah, I think I see the problem here.
TOM: Oh, there's no problem Mike!
CROW: Yeah! You're Mike Nelson and we love you! Uh, as a friend!
TOM: (nodding) Yeah, as a friend!
MIKE: (sighing) Uh fellahs...
(Suddenly, a boom rocks the SOL and the guys are rocked back and forth violently.)
MIKE: What th'...?
CROW: Cambot, what hit us?
(SOL. Exterior. Outside, a bad costume-version of the Marvel comic's
villain Terminus is standing next to the SOL, an inverted pink triangle
on his chest.)
TERMINUS: IMPUDENT MORTALS! YOU STAND BEFORE YOUR TRUE JUDGMENT AT THE
HANDS OF TERMINUS!
(SOL - Interior)
TOM: Hey! It's Terminus!
CROW: And he's gay!
(SOL - Exterior)
TERMINUS: THE WORDS OF E.L.BYNUM HAVE AGGRAVATED ME AND I SHALL NOW
STRIP-MINE YOUR PLANET AS PUNISHMENT FOR HIS TRANSGRESSIONS! Although
I'll probably spare Barbara Streisand and Greg Louganis...
(SOL - Interior)
MIKE: But, Bynum doesn't speak for all Earth. Why take it out on
everyone else?
(SOL - Exterior)
TERMINUS: IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS; HIS TRANSGRESSIONS POISON YOUR ENTIRE
RACE! PUNISHMENT MUST BE MADE MANIFEST!
(An odd, male, lilting voice sounds from off-camera with a rippling-echo effect.)
VOICE: IS THAT SO, TERMINUS? OR ARE YOU MERELY ACTING OUT YOUR OWN,
LATENT AGGRESSIONS?
(SOL - Interior. The guys are staring at the camera in amazement.)
CROW: Holy mackerel!
TOM: Look at that!
MIKE: It's the Watcher!
(SOL - Exterior. Marvel's "the Watcher" is now standing next to
TERMINUS, looking a lot like Kevin Murphy in a bald-cap and wearing a
light-blue outfit.)
WATCHER: (in the same, lilting, echo-voice) COME NOW, TERMINUS. WHILE
THIS VIOLATES MY ETERNAL VOW TO NOT INTERFERE WITH THE COURSE OF A
PLANET, YOU MUST SEE THAT THIS DESTRUCTIVE BENT SERVES NO REAL PURPOSE...
TERMINUS: WATCHER... I ... I...
WATCHER: I KNOW THE PAIN YOU FEEL, MY NIGH-OMNIPOTENT FRIEND. YOU ARE
NOT ALONE...
TERMINUS: I'M ... NOT?
WATCHER: YOU NEVER WERE. (he puts his hand on TERMINUS' shoulder)
TERMINUS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...
WATCHER: (embracing him) YOU NEED NOT SAY ANYTHING. COME, LET US
DESCEND TO THE PLANET BELOW AND GET SOME "BASKIN ROBBINS"; WE'LL TALK
THIS OUT AND CATCH "JEFFREY".
TERMINUS: YOU MEAN IT?
WATCHER: (nodding) CERTAINLY. AND AFTERWARDS WE CAN GO MEET UP WITH
LIGHTNING LASS AND SHRINKING VIOLET AT THE PRIDE PLANNING MEETING.
TERMINUS: (doggedly) WELL, I SUPPOSE I CAN SPARE THEM THIS TIME...
WATCHER: (putting his arm around TERMINUS and walking off-camera with
him) I NEVER DOUBTED IT.
(SOL - Interior. The lights are flashing.)
MIKE: Whoa... Looks like Bynum got off easy this time.
CROW: C'mon Mike; "easy"?
TOM: Yeah, I wouldn't want two, omnipotent gay entities mad at *me*!
MIKE: I suppose not... (he hits the lights) Yes Pearl?
(Castle. PEARL is sitting in an overstuffed chair facing the camera.
Facing her is a man whose face we can't see, wearing a brown suit. Next
to him is a flowchart -facing the camera- showing the Holy Bible in the
middle with arrows showing how all evil in the world is the direct
result of gays. PEARL is nodding with an annoyed "get-on-with-it"
expression on her face.)
MAN: (pointing to the chart) So you see, Ms. Forrester, according to my
calculations, we only have a short time before all morality comes
crashing down around us like the tower of Babel!
PEARL: Uh-huh, listen bub...
MAN: "Bynum"
PEARL: Whatever. Listen, the only reason you got this far is I needed a
break from washing Bobo. But -come to think of it- since those
radioactive flea bites seem to have had an effect on him, perhaps you
should meet him directly. Oh Bobo?
(BOBO walks in wearing a spider-man like costume with the silhouette of
a flea on the cest and the words "Flea-Monkey" written on the chest.)
BOBO: Right here, Lawgiver!
PEARL: (nodding) Excellent. Please shed some light on our visitor's
stay, will you please?
BOBO: Immediately, Lawgiver!
(BOBO starts scratching himself and shedding on the visitor; small puffs
of smoke erupting from the man's suit. The man, cursing and kvetching,
jumps up and runs off with BOBO in hot pursuit.)
PEARL: Well, fellahs, I guess that's about all for today. Sorry I
didn't have time to forward you any of the famous tracts by Fred Phelps
or Chic Publishing, but I'll find 'em someday... Until then, sleep tight!
(In the background, we hear BOBO's monkey noises and the yelps of pain
from the guy he's shedding on.)
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo,
TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy,
Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other specific
contents are copyright (c) 1999 (currently) of Best Brains, Incorporated
and is used without permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved.
Terminus, The Watcher, Spiderman, The Abomination, Galactus and The
Incredible Hulk are copyright (c) Marvel comics and are used without
permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved.
Batman, Robin, Catwoman, Lightning Lass and Shrinking Violet are
copyright (c) DC comics and are used without permission as an act of
parody. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc., Marvel Comics, or DC Comics is intended or
should be inferred.
Ookla The Mok can be found on the web. Their music is spiffy!
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> Can I assume that you are a homosexual? It doesn't matter to me if you are
> or not because I love you anyway...