How to Know When Gay Rumors Are True
Twitchell
Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston are all up in our grill again. This must have
something to do with those gay rumors. Every famous male gets them at some
point, but how can you tell whether or not they're true?
This is the second time the gossip pages have been burning with the idea that
these two are hot for each other. We think this has less to do with any actual
tingling in the nether regions and more to do with the fact that they have a
movie coming out and they both have image problems to work out: that Jen is a
sad lonely loserpants that no one loves and that Gerard is a big old 'mo (and
fat). This ruse isn't really fooling anyone.
But since we hear that just about every star likes boys at one time or another,
how do we know when the gay rumors are true and when are they just the most
delicious kind of malicious gossip? Here are some easy rules to judge for
yourself.
False�When the Guy Marries Jennifer Aniston: If he went through with it and
actually walked down the aisle with the rom-com also ran, then he has got to be
straight. Seriously, no gay guy has that level of commitment.
Case in Point: Brad Pitt.
True�When the Guy Dates Jennifer Aniston: This usually happens in conjunction
with some movie and is a dual-pronged approach that makes the male costar seem
straight and makes Jennifer look less sad by having a boyfriend. Also, it gets
people talking about the movie. The contract expires the next time her man finds
a hot piece of ass. This does not apply to Vince Vaughn, who played like
Aniston's BF for The Break-Up, but, come on, who is going to start gay rumors
about that breeder?
Case in Point: Gerard Butler.
False�When the Guy Dates Renee Zellweger: She's not attractive, not a diva, and
has pretty crappy style. No gay guy is going to put up with this, even as a
beard.
Case in Point: George Clooney.
True�When the Guy Marries Renee Zellweger: A closet case who is so far gone that
he will exchange rings this lady is so gay that he's gone past straight and back
to gay again. It's complicated, but it's true.
Case in Point: Kenny Chesney and Bradley Cooper (who is so going to propose).
False�When the Guy is Hot: These spring about by some massive delusion in gay
culture where all the guys get together and start saying it as if it could
actually make their target start to crave dick. It never works, but it has a way
of connecting homosexuality to hot, famous men, which isn't the worse thing in
the world. There are two exceptions and one is on Gossip Girl and the other is
on Vanessa Hudgens.
Case in Point: Vin Diesel.
True�When the Guy Is Not Hot: If the guy is yucky then you know that the rumor
isn't a case of some schizo gay dream. This means there is actual evidence
somewhere.
Case in Point: Kevin Spacey.
False�When the Guy Is Always Attached to Women: Usually this is a hot guy and
everyone says he "doth protest too much." No, that just means he is a pussy
hound. There is nothing less gay than that.
Case in Point: Jeremy Piven.
True�When the Guy Is Never Attached to Women: Some might say, "Oh, he just keeps
his private live private." You're right, he does, but his private life is
sucking dick. The reason that he won't take a lady to a movie premiere is
because he doesn't want to piss off his boyfriend, not because he's hitting all
the honeys on the side.
Case in Point: Zachary Quinto.
False�When the Guy Is Jake Gyllenhaal: Sorry boys, it's time to admit that he
likes the ladies and is not "Toothy tile."
Case in Point: Jake Gyllenhaal.
True�When the Guy Is Hugh Jackman: It's just got to be. Right? Right?!
Case in Point: Hugh Jackman.
Always Always True�When the Guy Is a Scientologist: We don't need an e-meter to
know the truth!
Case in Point: Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta