OT: A love that dares to say 'I do'
David Migicovsky
next month and declare their commitment to one another
before God and their friends and the world
LEAH McLAREN
Globe and Mail
Saturday, December 23, 2000
TORONTO -- Kevin Bourassa and Joe Varnell are engaged to be married. But
for now the couple lives together in a semi-detached, urban cottage a
couple of blocks south of Toronto's Greek village. Inside their immaculate,
art-filled home, the first thing you will notice is the Christmas tree, a
fat, twinkly spruce draped with antique ornaments and a red velvet sash,
that takes up half of their living room. Seventeenth-century carols filter
through the potpourri-scented air.
"If you haven't already noticed, we are gay," Kevin jokes, pointing to a
pile of pillows embroidered with the word Noel. "These toss cushions should
tip you off."
On Jan. 14, Kevin and Joe, along with a Toronto lesbian couple, Anne
Vautour and Elaine Vautour, plan to become Canada's first, church-wedded
gay couples. In recent weeks, their engagement has attracted significant
media attention, as their pastor, Reverend Brent Hawkes of Toronto's gay-
positive Metropolitan Community Church, has announced the traditional banns
of marriage, asking the congregation whether there are objections to the
impending unions. The first week's banns went off without a hitch. Last
week, however, two objections were raised by Christians from outside the
congregation, but they were dismissed by Rev. Hawkes.
Tomorrow, Kevin and Joe will hear the final banns read during the 10 a.m.
service, marking the next step in their continuing love story.
"Love story?" says Joe, with a mock squeal. "Oooh, so which one of us gets
to be Ali McGraw and which gets to be Ryan O'Neil?"
And even though they are both men, Joe, 31, and Kevin, 42, have a lot in
common with that iconic, preppy movie couple of the past. In many ways they
are deeply conservative. Both hold corporate jobs. Kevin is a director of
process management with CIBC. Joe, a former professional bridge player, now
works as Web co-ordinator with Sony. In their free time, both enjoy
listening to music, going to galleries, cooking and, once a week, attending
church. They talk about their relationship in traditional terms, describing
themselves as life partners with a shared value system. Both seem utterly
secure in the knowledge that they will one day be creaky old men together,
sitting side by side holding hands and sipping soft drinks, the way they
are today.
An integral chapter in Joe and Kevin's love story is the tale of how they
returned to the church after an absence of many years. The couple's fight
to have their union formally recognized in the eyes of God as well as the
state is not just a political battle, but a sentimental one too. A shared
love of God, Kevin and Joe agree, is at the heart of their love for each
other.
Kevin begins with his story: "As a kid I was a full practising Catholic
boy, I absolutely loved going to church. Some kids thought of it as a
chore, but I would just jump out of bed and get dressed on Sunday mornings.
Then, when I got a little older and realized I was gay, I started to come
to terms with the fact that the Catholic church wasn't terribly warm toward
who I was. I left the church when I was 15 and it was a very sad, conscious
decision.
"Both Joe and I had girlfriends in high school. In a way I guess we were
experimenting. I think, to some extent, I was trying to conform to
expectations, but privately I knew I was gay. And then university, well,
let's just say university was very liberating in all sort of ways.
"By the time I reached my 30s I had begun to feel a spiritual absence in my
life without the church. I heard about Metro Community Church through a
friend at work. (Both Joe and I work in very open and progressive and
offices, we keep photos of each other on our desks.)
"When I first entered the church I noticed there was a sign above the door
that said, 'My house shall be a house of prayer for all people,' in gold
letters. I took that very much to heart, and I still do -- it means a great
deal to me."
Joe's return to religion was similar, though he admits that if he hadn't
met his partner, he probably wouldn't have returned to the fold when he
did.
"Our families call us 'menu Catholics,' " he laughs, "meaning we pick and
choose which Vatican teachings we want to follow.
Like Kevin, I was brought up Catholic, and when I was coming out I realized
there was a disjoint between my religion and my sexuality. I was trying to
reconcile the conflict between a religion that says, this is unnatural and
sinful, when I knew that I didn't choose it -- God had made me this way.
I also left the church in my teens. And then early on in my relationship
with Kevin, he invited me to church.
We were in that early stage of a relationship when everything the other
person does is fascinating, if he had wanted to go to a tractor pull, there
we were going to be. And so off we went to church and that service was a
very emotional moment for me, because it was the first time I'd ever heard
that God cared about you even if you were gay."
Joe and Kevin met 3½ years ago on a blind date set up by a mutual friend.
Joe, who was living with his parents at the time, stopped by Kevin's place
for a little tête-a-tête. They sat in the Kevin's living room, drank red
wine and talked for hours.
The attraction, both agree, was immediate. By their second meeting the two
had discarded chit-chat about the weather in favour of the big issues, "We
were probing eachother's value systems," Kevin remembers. "We both felt it
was right, and we weren't shy about saying it."
For their first formal date, Kevin surprised Joe by whisking him away to
Deerhurst resort in Muskoka for a weekend where they looked at the fall
colours and took long walks in the woods. When they returned to Toronto,
Joe brought his suitcase back to Kevin's house and from then on the lovers
were inseparable.
"The cats adopted me immediately," Joe deadpans. "They insisted that I
stay." During their first year living together, Kevin and Joe found things
they could teach each other in addition to their many common interests.
Joe, who has a degree in Elizabethan and Jacobean theatre, introduced Kevin
to the world of great drama. Kevin, an avid collector of Canadian art,
furthured Joe's keen interest in painting and sculpture.
Cuddling on the couch on a wintry evening last week, the two repeatedly
indulged in their habit of affectionate bickering.
"Kevin really introduced me to art. I knew nothing," Joe begins, with an
impish sideways glance to his intended. "Oh that's not true, you knew art
before!" says Kevin, picking up the beat. "I just let you find your taste.
He was the one who educated me -- in theatre and contemporary music. Now we
listen to classical and techno pop."
Joe: "He's seen my at my worst -- in the morning."
Kevin: "Yeah right. He always wakes up looking great, I'm the one who gets
out of bed with my hair all sticking out to one side."
Two years ago, Joe proposed. Again, they were at home, in the living room,
horsing around before dinner.
"It was about 6:30 in the evening," Joe recalls, "And I pulled Kevin down
on the carpet and put my face right up to his and said, 'Hey, how'd you
like to get married?' And he said, 'Yes, okay, fine. So what do you want
for dinner?' That was it. There were no sweaty palms or pulling out the
ring before the dessert cart comes around."
On a hot, humid day last August, Kevin and Joe held a Holy Union ceremony
in their garden, with all their closest friends and relatives in
attendance. Rev. Hawkes presided over a full Catholic ceremony, which
included confession and communion.
The program of events included a dinner of chicken and beef tenderloin,
prayer, readings and songs, and a wine list that would put any uptown
bistro to shame. A silver-framed "Union album," their record of the event,
opens with a photo of their hands entwined, wearing the identical gold and
sapphire rings Joe designed himself.
After the ceremony, the two men jetted off to London, England, where they
saw 11 plays in 15 days and visited every major art gallery. For them, the
Holy Union day marked their true spiritual marriage. Next month's trip down
the aisle will represent a church-sanctioned, and, although it will still
not be recognized by law, public affirmation of their partnership.
"God recognizes our union," says Kevin, "It's only Ken Campbell who
doesn't."
(Rev. Ken Campbell, a conservative evangelist and outspoken critic of
homosexual rights, was one of last Sunday's objectors.)
The first reading at last summer's ceremony was Shakespeare's famous Sonnet
116, a piece which takes on sweeter meaning in the context of Kevin and
Joe's love story. Stroking the arm of his intended, Kevin recites the first
few lines from memory:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken . . .
>>David ========>
--
David Migicovsky, Evil Overlord of ACF
Our new ad-free home: A_C_F-s...@topica.com
d m i g i c o v at n e w s c e n e dot c o m
From the harridan files:
Too bad about your short-lived career in "journalism." As a successful
journalist with 25 years of experience, you certainly have my sympathy. <g>
Linda C.
Is this a harridan dumping on Leslie, Judith?? Strike a bit too close to
home? <g>
jabber...@my-deja.com
stalked and killed by some homophobic lunatic. (Or does that kinda
thing only happen in the U.S.??) Frankly I don't see what the big deal
is. It seems to be that the same people huff and puff
about "promiscuous fags" and their "multiple partners in one night" are
yet repulsed by the idea of two same-sex persons being truly in love
and wanting to commit themselves to each other for life. Seems pretty
hip-po-critical to me.
Do I personally find the idea of two men going at it appealing? No. Is
it my frigging business? No.
It took me a while to find real and lasting love, and it's rarer than
we all like to think it is. If two people can find that kind of
partnership in their lives, more power to them, I say...regardless of
whether they're straight, gay, bi, pre-op, whatever. Who the f*ck would
I be to tell someone they can't marry the person they love, just
because of the team they play on? I know this will be the minority post
in a ng that speculates on the gayness of every celebrity under the
sun ;-)
In article <9013A05EBdmigi...@63.209.170.205>,
Sent via Deja.com
http://www.deja.com/
Jeg7777
<jabber...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:9246j5$dor$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
> Well, I hope they can make it to and from the church without being
> stalked and killed by some homophobic lunatic. (Or does that kinda
> thing only happen in the U.S.??) Frankly I don't see what the big deal
> is. It seems to be that the same people huff and puff
> about "promiscuous fags" and their "multiple partners in one night" are
> yet repulsed by the idea of two same-sex persons being truly in love
> and wanting to commit themselves to each other for life. Seems pretty
> hip-po-critical to me.
>
> Do I personally find the idea of two men going at it appealing? No. Is
> it my frigging business? No.
>
> It took me a while to find real and lasting love, and it's rarer than
> we all like to think it is. If two people can find that kind of
> partnership in their lives, more power to them, I say...regardless of
> whether they're straight, gay, bi, pre-op, whatever. Who the f*ck would
> I be to tell someone they can't marry the person they love, just
> because of the team they play on? I know this will be the minority post
> in a ng that speculates on the gayness of every celebrity under the
> sun ;-)
You can speculate on who's gay and still feel the way you do. The two are
not mutually exclusive.
--
Joe
"Ah, come on, Dad. This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons'
Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to
poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie
Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us."
tenant...@my-deja.com
dmig...@ihavenoname.com.see.sig (David Migicovsky) wrote:
> next month and declare their commitment to one another
> before God and their friends and the world
> LEAH McLAREN
> Globe and Mail
>