George Carlin's Rules for 2007-Funny!
FERRANTE
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
is
doing these days----mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect
it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some
Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now
the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security
crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with
one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no,
I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual,
you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam,
dude.
I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And
I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future round saying"
Do you
want fries with that?"
n9...@hotmail.com
I Love George's sense of humor!
Ed.83 (u45928)
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FragileWarrior
news:evron2lcvggoheud2...@4ax.com:
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
> months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
> cheese. And
> I didn't really care in the first place.
Really. We were just making conversation so we wouldn't have to comment on
his looks.
Kris Baker
FERRANTE <ferrant...@yahoo.com> wrote in
news:evron2lcvggoheud2...@4ax.com:
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
> know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
> He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
At least credit these lines to the person who created them:
Bill Maher. New Rules. Part of his weekly HBO show, and
I've heard him say them all.
What made you decide they came from George Carlin?
Kris
Agent Smith
@newssvr27.news.prodigy.net:
He's trying to finish off that pound of dope he bought this after noon,
before the cops show up.
LidsvilleNine
Thanks for the info, Kris. I didn't think those were up to Carlin's
standard. We'll know when they're from Carlin! But I admit I was
worried.
Ed Varner
Most of those rules are from Maher's 2005 season, according to snopes.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp
Ed
Kris Baker
"LidsvilleNine" <Lidsvi...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:1165802112....@j72g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
If you've heard Carlin lately, you'd realize that the insult was to
Maher. I'm afraid Dear George has turned into an angry,
bitter old man. Who isn't funny. It's sad.
Kris
LidsvilleNine
Wow. That's terrible to hear.I guess the writing was on the wall years
ago when he started resorting to 10 minutes of stomach gurgles as part
of his "comedy routine".
Still, he had always been good with his lists and social comments.
Sad.
>
> Kris
Witchy Way
how much he hates people. all people. he's a f*cking whack case
Kris Baker
He seems to be most unhappy since his (first) wife died, and then
had to go through rehab.
Kris
But I *always* watch him
nos...@earthlink.net
"Witchy Way" <witc...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:24988-457...@storefull-3137.bay.webtv.net...
> carlin isnt funny anymore. if you hear him on a talk show you will hear
> how much he hates people. all people. he's a f*cking whack case
>
Agreed. Not funny or amusing in any sense. He's negative, angry, grim,
insulting, and condescending. I don't know what still attracts the public
to his appearances. You'd have to pay me to sit there.
nan...@gmail.com
> Most of those rules are from Maher's 2005 season, according to snopes.
>
> http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp
>
> Ed
The finger in the chili comment pretty much gave away the date of the
list.
Speaking of Carlin, his rep is so bad that we didn't even want to see
him on our last trip to Vegas (and we love going to see stand up). We
did however run into him on the streets of Vegas as he worked out with
a trainer. I guess he's gone from addict to a healthy person
(physically) but his routine seems to have suffered as a result.
Cheryl Greer
witc...@webtv.net (Witchy Way) wrote:
> carlin isnt funny anymore. if you hear him on a talk show you will hear
> how much he hates people. all people. he's a f*cking whack case
>
I seriously remember that a lot of these "rules" were also his rules for
2006. Hey George, write some new material!!
cheryl
--
"I've met the man in the street, and he's a cunt."
--Sid Vicious
Lily
hear how much he hates people. all people. he's a f*cking whack case >>
<<I seriously remember that a lot of these "rules" were also his rules
for
2006. Hey George, write some new material!!>>
Doesn't Carlin get a lot of stuff attributed to him that he never said?
Especially political rants. If Carlin "said it" I always check snopes.
Not to mention that the Rules aren't particularly funny or incisive no
matter who wrote them.
Lily
Marlene Blanshay
> LMFAO!
> I love George's sense of humor!
your life!'
Marlene Blanshay
if it's an ugly baby i just say, "My what a remarkable baby" or 'he
looks a lot like your husband'.
Marlene Blanshay
was funny.
Dickie Peters
LidsvilleNine
It seems that Carlin's present state is a result of the very things
most of us liked about Carlin originally. His acute and keen
observations of society. Society has become foul, and nothing Carlin
can do will automatically change that.
It sounds as if the messenger is being blamed.
Kris Baker
Not really. He's free to be funny.
Have you listened to one of his TV specials in the past two years?
Completely different attitude.
Kris