Joanie's First Time
carrie_miaway
...had to be amputated after a devastating masturbation injury.
Remember kids, masturbation is a dangerous sport, and if you don't wear
the proper protective gear, you could lose a limb, just like me.
A comment to alt.punk readers: "Masturbation" is a highly esoteric
form of carnal self-satisfaction engaged in by socially alienated males
who have proven unable to sustain wholesome, loving relationships with
members of the opposite sex. Since such a profile hardly fits the
average alt.punk regular, I felt it necessary to define the term.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Joanie's First Time
Joanie's First Time....
or
"There is wisdom in youth"
By Joanie
"NO! I don't want to spend summer away from home!" pouted Joanie after
being informed that her parents were going away for the summer to the
Hamptons.
"But Princess, we can't leave you at home, you are only 15 years
old...we'll leave you with 'Uncle' Bill, you'll have fun, just you
wait and see." With that he exited the room, leaving a disappointed
Joanie alone.
"He isn't even my real uncle! I hate it there!" she fumed to herself.
The last thing that Joanie wanted to do was spend her time in some
back water town without cable TV... oh, she hated the south!
Every year without fail she was sent to her father's friend's house.
She didn't particularly care for his wife or daughter...or anyone in
that town for that matter. As usual her parents put their needs before
hers and she was shuttled off on airplane with her parents telling her
they'd miss her in mock sincerity. They would soon be in their natural
environment, and she would be in redneck heaven.
"You can pick up your bags at section 23," said the heavily
painted stewardess. Even though she had been through this
drill for seven summers and counting, it never got easier.
She absolutely hated coming here..and now she was going
to have to pretend that she was glad to see Bill and the family again
when they greeted her at the gate.
Imagine her shock when she was greeted only by Bill. "Hello again,
Joanie... we've missed you," said Bill.
"Thanks, but where are the others at?" Joanie said with disinterest.
"Oh, they's gonna be in Atlanta for most of the summer. My daughter
has cheer leading camp and my wife will be with her," he said in his
annoying dialect.
"Oh, I see."
"...But we knew how much you'd be looking forward to seeing us so I
agreed to watch you myself... so it's jus' you and me kiddo."
Rolling her eyes, Joanie said, "Oh neato."
It was common knowledge in this town that Bill was a womanizer, and
that piece of info Joanie learned from his own daughter! The previous
summer his "angelic" daughter showed Joanie a cache of love letters
that she had found in the attic of their very large house. The letters
were obscene and juvenile. The two girls laughed out loud at the
letters until the early morn. But now that she was going to be alone the
whole summer, she would have welcomed the company of his dimwit
daughter instead of roaming aimlessly around the grounds of the house.
The ride home from the airport was uneventful, just filled with idle
chatter about the previous summers' events... the heavy iron gates
swung open to let their car on the mansions grounds. Bill carried
Joanie's bags to one of the guest rooms, informing her that dinner
would be at 7.
While unpacking her bags, she wondered why a man would agree to take
care of a teen when he could have had the entire summer to continue his
womanizing ways with his trailer park trollops scattered all over town.
She would have an answer to that question very sooooooooon!
"Joanie, I can't believe how much you've grown up since last summer,
you've turned into a woman....do you have any boyfriends in Boston?" he
said.
Trying to stifle her laughter at his lame questions, she just
said, "Thank you, and no, I don't have any boyfriends."
"Really a pretty girl like yourself, I find that hard to believe."
Joanie soon realized that Bill's motives were less than pure. She was
beginning to feel more like an entree than the dinner guest. Even at
her young age she was not about to become a notch in his belt. She told
him she had jet lag and returned to the guest room. The rest of the
vacation was very uneventful....UNTIL....the day before her birthday...
Bill said that he would like to have a special "sweet sixteen" party
for me....except it would be a party for two.
"I took the liberty of purchasing a bottle of wine for this occasion,
babe... It'll go good with the cake I got you...."
"Thanks Bill." Joanie had always hated the term "babe". It was obvious
that Bill had started drinking earlier in the day because his speech
was already slurred and his eyes were glazed. He was "this close" to
passing out as it was. Joanie felt this was the perfect time to teach
this pompous redneck a lesson. "Cheers!" "Cheers" Cheers!" They
toasted...but Joanie never took a sip.
Guiding him toward the master bedroom, she more or less pushed him onto
the bed...and with a wicked grin she said, "Want me, don't you boy?"
Joanie wasn't even waiting for an answer as she secured his wrist to
the bed post. In his very inebriated state he was more than willing to
play the young girl's game. "Ohhh... you got some experience, ain't you
girl?"
"Shut the fuck up, you prick! There's a new sheriff in town.... Joanie
be thy name!" He was suddenly stunned with his new found bondage...
what started with him trying to seduce yet another girl has ended up
with overly aggressive teen straddling his waist and pinching his
nipples! Some days it doesn't pay to roll out of bed!
Reaching behind her she grabbed his tool with force... causing him
extreme agony! His screams only fueled her desire to make this
Neanderthal pay for the errs of his ways.
"Perhaps you should think twice the next time you try to get a piece,
eh? I mean, you never know what could happen!" she sneered at the
helpless creature beneath her... he looked positively catatonic!
"I'mmm sorry Joanie...why don't you just release me and we'll pretend
it never happened."
"Oh silly boy...we've just begun the evenings festivities!" With that
said she took his testicles in hand and reminded him who was in charge!
At this point she was tired of his screams and went to the dresser and
grabbed a pair of his wive's panties and shoved them his mouth to stifle
his protests.
Joanie was amazed to discover that through all this "torture" Bill
managed to get an erection! "Oh my God! Look at this.... the beast has a
hard-on! You want more...?"
You could tell by the look in his eyes that he was also shocked that
this treatment made him hard!
"It would figure that you'd like this...you're pathetic!" Joanie rose
above him and unbuttoned her blouse letting drop onto his chest...he
looked at her breasts with a grin. That did not please her at
all....she kicked off her shoe and placed her bare foot over his
eyes. "Did I say you could look at me?!"
He mumbled something she couldn't understand. So here he
was...ole "Uncle Bill" spread eagled on this king size bed, at the
mercy of a sixteen year old! Joanie decided to take a seat between his
thighs, she laid back, her head between his feet... and s-l-o-w-l-y she
pushed the heel of her foot into his genital area....his voice was like
a tea pot whistling, with the pressure of Joanie's foot nearing his
jewels, his voice, even with a gag, would get louder and louder! This
pleased Joanie to no ends...as she pressed her foot into his testicles
she mockingly said...."Say Uncle... Bill, heehee~"
With all the commotion in the room they were both unaware that they
were not alone! Because there at the door, his wife and daughter were
staring in disbelief!
"Bill, what in the hell is going on in here?" - HILLARY said
breathlessly!
"Mommy...why is daddy all tied up...I'm scared!" said a frightened
CHELSEA.
Joanie felt it was only fair that I remove the gag from Bill's mouth
so he could answer his loving wife and daughter's probing questions.
After clearing his throat he said something that I will never forget:
"Hillary....I feel your pain."
Interestingly enough, that was the last summer I spent at the Clinton
household.
And people wonder why I vote Republican.
*The End*
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Morgan Coe (mrs...@erols.com)
Subject: Re: Joanie's First Time....
>
> Joanie's First Time....
> or
> "There is wisdom in youth"
>
> By Joanie
>
> "NO! I don't want to spend summer away from home!" pouted Joanie after
> being informed that her parents were going away for the summer to the
> Hamptons.
>
> Interestingly enough, that was the last summer I spent at the Clinton
> household.
>
> And people wonder why I vote Republican.
Hello, dummy.
Not ONLY have you used this bit again, but you blew it. The deadpan
"punchline" ("and people wonder why _I_ vote Republican", ha ha),
doesn't work AT ALL if you've told the story in the third person.
To make the "joke" work, you'd have to either
a) change the whole thing to "MY first time", and retell it all in
FIRST PERSON. Which is what you did the last time you posted this
garbage, as I recall. Or,
b) change the last line to "and people wonder why JOANIE votes
Republican".
Do you even understand why your post was supposed to be funny?
Morgan.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Morgan Coe <mrs...@erols.com> wrote:
>
> Hello, dummy.
>
Hello, I'm Morgan Coe. I did a drot of lugs in college. I hink I thave
dain bramage.
>
> Not ONLY have you used this bit again, but you blew it. The deadpan
> "punchline" ("and people wonder why _I_ vote Republican", ha ha),
> doesn't work AT ALL if you've told the story in the third person.
> To make the "joke" work, you'd have to either
>
Joanie has every right to refer to herself in the third person. No one
elected you the national arbitrator of the English language.
> a) change the whole thing to "MY first time", and retell it all in
> FIRST PERSON. Which is what you did the last time you posted this
> garbage,
Garbage? WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT has no bearing on whether it is
true or not.
> as I recall. Or,
> b) change the last line to "and people wonder why JOANIE votes
> Republican".
>
> Do you even understand why your post was supposed to be funny?
>
I CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE POMPOUS AND HUMORLESS. I just don't
understand why you're proud of it.
>
> Morgan.
>
PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANY FURTHER TROUBLE I CAN GIVE YOU ...
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Morgan Coe (mrs...@erols.com)
Subject: Re: Joanie's First Time....
> >
> > Hello, dummy.
> >
>
> Hello, I'm Morgan Coe. I did a drot of lugs in college. I hink I thave
> dain bramage.
I get it. Anyone who thinks you're dumb must've cooked their brain
on drugs in college. Wait a minute...I DIDN'T do a lot of drugs in
college. I guess you really are dumb.
> > Not ONLY have you used this bit again, but you blew it. The deadpan
> > "punchline" ("and people wonder why _I_ vote Republican", ha ha),
> > doesn't work AT ALL if you've told the story in the third person.
> > To make the "joke" work, you'd have to either
>
> Joanie has every right to refer to herself in the third person. No one
> elected you the national arbitrator of the English language.
Cop out.
> > a) change the whole thing to "MY first time", and retell it all in
> > FIRST PERSON. Which is what you did the last time you posted this
> > garbage,
>
> Garbage? WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT has no bearing on whether it is
> true or not.
Good one. I'd take this all more seriously if you knew how to
tell your own "material" correctly.
> > as I recall. Or,
> > b) change the last line to "and people wonder why JOANIE votes
> > Republican".
> >
> > Do you even understand why your post was supposed to be funny?
>
> I CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE POMPOUS AND HUMORLESS. I just don't
> understand why you're proud of it.
Answer the question. Do you even understand why the joke you stole
from some lame standup comedian's routine is supposed to be funny,
or do you just repost whatever makes a big splash on
"alt.jokes.tasteless"?
Morgan.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
ALT.GOTHIC CHRISTMAS CAROLS
Christmas carols for alt.gothic regulars. Each carol
pertains to one of the pyschological traits of goth fans.
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and
Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia*, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat,
All is Lonely.
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock (start over at the
beginning......)
*Anhedonia- a psychological condition characterized
by inability to experience pleasure in normally
pleasurable acts
Fascinet
Bringing Tidings of Comfort and Joy to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
In Brooklyn
'Twas the night before Christmas
da whole house so mellow
not a creature was stirrin'
I had a gun unda my pillow
When up on da roof
I hoid some'tin pound
I sprung to da window
to scream "KEEP IT DOWN!"
When what to my
wanderin' eyes should appear
but dat hairy elf, Vinnie
and eight friggin' reindeer
Wit a bad hackin' cough
and da stench o' boiped beer
I knowed in a moment
Yo, da Kringle dude wuz here!
Wit a slap to dere snouts
and a yank on dere manes
he cursed and he shouted
and called dem by name
Yo Tony, Yo Frankie
Yo Sally, Yo Vito
Ay Joey, Ay Louie
Ay Pepe', Ay Guido
As I drew out my gun
and hid by da bed
down came his friggin' boot
on da top o' my head
His eyes wuz all bloodshot
his B.O. was scary
his breath was like sewage
he had a mole dat wuz hairy
He spit in my eye
and he twisted my head
he soon let me know
I should consider myself dead
Den pointin' a fat finga
right unda my nose
he let out some gas
and up da chimney he rose
He sprang to his sleigh
obscenities a-screamin'
and away dey all flew
before he troo dem a beatin'
But I hoid him exclaim
or better yet - grump
Merry Christmas to all
and bite me, ya chump!
Fascinet
Bringing Tidings of Comfort and Joy to the Genetically Inferior
_______________________________
From: cuylerh...@my-deja.com (cuylerh...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN BROOKLYN
>Yo Frankie
Heehee. Brooklyn sucks.
Frank
_______________________________
From: DarrinT68 (darr...@aol.com)
Subject: Re: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN BROOKLYN
>>Yo Frankie
>
>Heehee. Brooklyn sucks.
>>Frank
Brooklyn sucks!? The fourth largest city (technically a borough) in the world!?
The home of WELCOME BACK KOTTER & A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN!? The city that has
been romanticized throughout time!? The city that has more Brooklyn born celebs
and notables than anywhere else in the world!? From Barbara Streisand to
Richard Dreyfess!! From Lauren Bacall to Andrew Dice Clay!! The city that is
renowned for THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE and CONEY ISLAND (most popular amusement park
in the world). Hate to rain on your parade, but you are yet another misinformed
shmendrick!! Contrary to the humorous post, BROOKLYN is still predominantly
CAUCASIAN! BROOKLYN has, by far, more ritzy neighborhoods than not!! And as w/
NYC (MANHATTAN/HUB OF THE WORLD), it is still one the safest largest cities in
the world!! Since RUDY GUILIANI took office, NYC has seen a 60% decrease in
crime. Last year, over 36.7 million tourists flocked to NY, making it the
second most popular tourist attraction in the world!! Only second to WALT
DISNEY WORLD (FLA). Remember, every large city has its share of good and bad.
With that sad, I would rather reside in BROOKLYN, NY than anywhere else in the
world. Because when you reside in BROOKLYN, everything is at your disposal!!
NYC is the second home to Hollywood (over 200 films are shot on location in NYC
each year), fashion, tv, modeling, media, print, finance (wall street), diamond
district, broadway, arts, culture, diversity, etc. Incidentally, a billion
dollar movie studio is in the midst of being built in BROOKLYN! The same studio
that is being backed by sweet Jewish STEVEN SPIELBERG and NY native ROBERT DE
NIRO!! In the future, think before you spew forth rhetoric!!
_______________________________
From: Patrick (smit...@aol.compaign2k)
Subject: Re: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN BROOKLYN
DarrinT68 writes:
>The city that has more Brooklyn born celebs
>and notables than anywhere else in the world!? From Barbara Streisand to
>Richard Dreyfess!! From Lauren Bacall to Andrew Dice Clay!!
Wouldn't it only make sense that Brooklyn "has more Brooklyn born celebs and
notables than anywhere else in the world"?
---Patrick
The Official Person of the New Millenium
---my homepage- http://come.to/insipid
_______________________________
From: DarrinT68 (darr...@aol.com)
Subject: Re: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN BROOKLYN
>
>Wouldn't it only make sense that Brooklyn "has more Brooklyn born celebs and
>notables than anywhere else in the world"?
Shemegegge, Brooklyn & NYC has more native celebs than anywhere else in the
world! e.g. Two of the greatest actors of our time are NYC natives: DE NIRO &
PACINO. Can you also say LEE STRASBERG'S ACTORS STUDIO!? Quit the childish
nitpicking and try and educate your naivety!!! Farshtaist!?eheheh
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
THE YELLOW-BELLIED FUCKWIT
Here are some excerpts from Fascinet's Field Guide to Internet
Wildlife:
Common name: Yellow-Bellied Fuckwit (aka y.b.f., YBF)
Latin name: extremus stupidocephalus usenettia
Preferred habitat: newsgroups
Breeding habits: The breeding habits of the y.b.f. are a mystery,
since all male y.b.f.'s encountered to date have been dickless. This
species may reproduce asexually. Hatching generally occurs during the
spring and early summer, coinciding with the end of the school
semester. A significant number of late hatchlings have been observed,
and though y.b.f.'s as a group are on the low end of the intelligence
scale, these latecomers appear to be even more dense than the norm and
frequently lapse into incoherence when attempting to communicate.
Notable characteristics:
- Have tendency to communicate in ALL CAPS. YBF's believe that capital
letters aren't just for beginnings of sentences. They think something
must be true if written in capital letters.
- Rampant spelling and grammatical errors in communication.
- Often fail to put at least one space between sentences and
after punctuation marks such as colons, commas and
exclamation points. Their run-together writing simply
screams, "I don't have time for spaces, I'm in such a
hurry," which of course is a sure sign of blabber.
-Often use sentence fragments, instead of complete sentences.
- Rarely, if ever, post any intentionally humorous posts. Y.b.f.'s as a
general rule are humor-impaired
- Males outnumber females by 20 to 1.
- Tend to be much less visible from September-May, possibly due to some
sort of hibernation.
- Aggressive and ill-tempered, they frequently attack without
provocation. Fortunately, the attacks are extremely weak and
ineffectual; thus the only one injured is the y.b.f.
The Yellow-Bellied Fuckwit's call is varied but includes the following,
plus many similar calls as well as stream-of-(semi-consciousness)
gibberish: "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE"
"DICKHEAD! DICKHEAD!" "YOUR [sic] GAY MOTHERFUCKER"
Other characteristics:
A normally extremely shy and reclusive creature which suddenly and for
no apparent reason multiplies at an astounding rate and the overflow of
which gravitates into human habitation.
Inexplicably it seems to prefer the intellectual home ranges of usenet
groups such as this one where it is brutally decimated by the gross and
it's carcasses used to fuel the fireplaces during the occasional social
meetings of said group.
As this fascinating creature has no balls or other discernable external
sexual organs, it is almost impossible to determine its gender or even
level of maturity. Due to the above, scientist have for years been
puzzled by it's explosive potential to reproduce but latest studies
indicate that school holidays seem to trigger this phenomenon.
Its reasoning capabilities are, at the very least, suspect, but it
seems to be driven by a lemming-like instinct to venture into dangerous
and often deadly areas. Although perfectly harmless to normal healthy
humans, it's display of aggression is impressive in the extreme and
this increases exponentially with every member of its own species which
it encounters, giving it a false sense of security in numbers.
Its massive influx into sane groups is usually short-lived when the
resident predators become aware of a fresh wave and swoop in
collectively for the feast, often leaving mangled and mentally crushed
specimens littered all around the place. These remains are generally
picked off by the scavengers from lower ranking habitats such as
alt.flame.
Fasincet
~Are we really getting older and wiser, or are they just getting dumber?
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: SkaFan101 (skaf...@aol.com)
Subject: Re: Becca was it your birthday?
>A year older, but definitely not wiser.. ehee
>eheheheeheeeee
oh how i yearn for the day when i can have such wisdom as darrin's at my
disposal, and not shun it because of youthful arrogance.
becca
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
From: Daniel (songo...@hotmail.com)
Subject: Damn all you sober people.
Enough said.
_______________________________
From: kittenhead (lu...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Damn all you sober people.
> Enough said.
Haa ha on you-oo :P
This might be a good time to gloat about my 1 year of sobriety. That's
right -- I've been stone cold SOBER for a whole year!! Wooooo!
_______________________________
> Haa ha on you-oo :P
>
> This might be a good time to gloat about my 1 hour of sobriety. That's
> right -- I've been stone cold SOBER for a whole hour!! Wooooo!
>
"The problem with some people is that when
they aren't drunk, they're sober." -William Butler Yeats
Fascinet
The Voice of the Discriminating Fascist
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
A READING FROM THE GOSPEL OF FASCINET
Fascinet's Letters to the Corinathians 1:3
"Love one another", you say, is the supreme law. But what power
has made it so? Upon what rational authority does the gospel of love
rest? Is it even possible in practice, and what would result from its
universal application to active affairs? Why should I not hate mine
enemies and hunt them down like the wild beasts they are? If I
"love" them, does that not place me at their mercy? Is it natural for
enemies to "do good" unto each other? And what is "good"? Can the
torn and bloody victim "love" the blood-splashed jaws that rend him
limb from limb? Are we not all predatory animals by instinct? If
humans ceased wholly from preying upon each other, could they
continue to exist?
"Love your enemies and do good to them that hate you and
despitefully use you" is the despicable philosophy of the
spaniel that rolls upon its back when kicked. Obey it, O reader,
and you and your posterity to the tenth generation shall be
irretrievably and literally damned. They shall be hewers of
wood and carriers of water.
When an enemy smites thee on thy cheek, smash him on his, for as
not to do so would be the act of a cowardly sheep. Smite him hip
and thigh, for self-preservation is the highest law. Give them
blow for blow, scorn for scorn, doom for doom - with compound
interest liberally added thereunto.
Eye for eye, tooth for tooth - aye, a four-fold, a hundred-fold.
Make yourself a terror to your adversary; and when he goeth his
way, he will possess much additional wisdom to ruminate over. Thus
shall you make yourself respected in all the walks of life, and
your spirit - your immortal spirit - shall live: not in an
intangible paradise, but in the brains and thews of your
aggressive and unconquerable sons. After all, the true proof
of manhood is a splendid progeny; and it is a scientific axiom
that the timid animal transmits timidity to its descendants.
If men had no powerful enemies to contend with and surpass, they
would rapidly lose all their best qualities - like certain oceanic
birds that lose the use of their wings because they do not have to
fly from pursuing beasts of prey.
Blessed is the man who has powerful enemies; for they shall make
him a hero.
Fascinet
Spreading the Word Of God to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Letter from a Phish fan
The following letter and reply
appears in Men's Health, Feb. 2001:
FRIED PHISH
November's Ask Men's Health
makes reference to "people
who drop pounds like Phish
fans drop acid." As I'm a
longtime Phish fan, hearing
this disturbed me. I assume
an apology is forthcoming?
Bob Weaver
Worcester, Mass.
~You're right, Bob, we crossed
the line. No one could possibly
lose that much weight.
Headmaster Fascinet
_______________________________
From: mike...@mail.com (mike...@mail.com)
Subject: Re: Letter from a Phish fan
Newsgroups: alt.punk, rec.music.phish
This irks me for some strange reason. I know it's all done in good
humor, but fuck them. Write a letter, and let them know we have
feelings too!
http://www.menshealth.com/this_month/editor.html
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
~The night I met my wife.
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very
chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her
standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a
state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and
she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones
about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess,
whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be
skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only
swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward
and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause
was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that
someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata
or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at,
someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused
bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent
reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could
make heads or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and
it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen.
Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt
capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and
forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number
of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and
made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to
prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-
for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to
abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few
myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a
perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and
more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was
defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted
to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party
together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love,
and she has requited it.
Fascinet
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of The Cure
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Famous last words
Some last words said to Staniforth
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never
believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the time that we've been together, I can't
help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not
here to ruin it for me."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now
that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it
quits."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Subject: Re: bush vs clinton
>As I've said, I've managed subordinates in both miliary and civilian roles as
>well as both private and public roles. There are differences, to be sure,
>but what we're talking about is not one of them.
>
>This is why Clinton had to be in government: he's an incompetent. He cannot
>do the job, whether you like his ideas or not. It took him over two years to
>appoint an ambassidor to India, he left the number two job at the Justice
>department vacant for the last five years (both are in violation of the law).
>He obviously failed to delegate authority, as well. It was, however, a place
>in which he could act irresponsibly as long as he was charming, and so he
>did.
>
>Clinton may be a people person, but he has no clue what he's doing with
>personnel, that is:
>
>> >If a officer is competent enough to hire and promote people that are
>> >competent at their job, he shouldn't have the kinds of problems that Clinton
>> >is talking about.
>
>He didn't evalute his subordinates well, and therefore didn't have the
>discretion to delegate authority in such a way that he was able to sleep at
>night.
the following is why the military is a bad thing. people began to think in
terms of rank, using words like "subordinates" , and talking about allocating
power is rather scary.
i find your acceptance of such behavior frightening. anyone who takes such
pride in having power over people usually does so for egotistical reasons.
correct me if i'm wrong but most people in the military are usually too stupid
to serve society in other more beneificial ways than to be brainwashed, and to
maim and kill.
i don't mean this about you yourself, just most people in the military are
unable to be free thinkers and end up drones for society.
so how is power over, or the ability to preside over them a good thing?
Clare C.
lisa simpson: "what are you reading mr flanders?"
ned flanders: "everything but the opinion page. i don't need to be told what
to think by anyone living."
_______________________________
From: Staniforth (j_stan...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Your bush vs clinton
cca...@aol.comspmbrgr (clare carnage) wrote:
>the following is why the military is a bad thing. people began to
>think in terms of rank, using words like "subordinates" ,
Professors of Philosophy, Anthropology, and Pyschology do so even more.
Camouflaged hierarchies are not more moral than undisguised
hierarchies. You got things completely backwards.
>and talking about allocating power is rather scary.
>
The Democratic power, oops I mean party, gets votes (and power) by
dividing people into groups and then giving some of these groups
special privileges. How would you describe this in anthropological
terms?
>i find your acceptance of such behavior frightening. anyone who takes
>such pride in having power over people usually does so for egotistical
>reasons.
>
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
>correct me if i'm wrong but most people in the military are usually
>too stupid to serve society in other more beneificial ways than to be
>brainwashed, and to maim and kill.
You're wrong. For me, it was a chance to get in the shower with dozens
of young athletic guys.
>i don't mean this about you yourself, just most people in the military
>are unable to be free thinkers and end up drones for society.
>
Free thinkers who say subjects like rank and power should be TABOO!?
>so how is power over, or the ability to preside over them a good thing?
>
I like having them fetch my shoes.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
The Ten Commandments Of Revenge
There is a problem in the United States, a problem to which many
of you have not given enough thought. It deals with the ability of the
working man to get justice in America.
When a rich man is wronged by another, rich or poor, he has
recourse. He can, with the wave of his hand, have the problem
solved by a specialist who will ensure that the situation never
rears its head, again.
But, the average person cannot. That's why it's time to think about
taking matters into your own hands.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF REVENGE
**Thou shalt neither trust nor confide in anyone.
If you do, that person could eventually betray you. Even if it is a
relative or spouse, don't tell anybody what you are up to. Implicated
accomplices are OK.
**Thou shalt never use thy own or business telephone.
Always use a public telephone or that of an unwitting mark so calls
cannot be traced back to you or to someone who knows you.
**Thou shalt not touch revenge documents with thy bare hands.
Bare hands leave fingerprints. Wear gloves.
**Thou shalt bide thy time before activating a revenge plot.
Give the victim time to forget about you and what he's done to wrong
you. Getting even too soon makes it easier for him to discover who's
doing it.
**Thou shalt learn everything there is to know about thy victim.
The best revenge schemes or plans are hatched by people who know their
victims better than their victims know themselves.
Become a garbage collector. Once your victim places his trash
outside his house or office for pickup, it is legal for you to pick it
up yourself. You can learn a lot about your mark by sitting
through his papers and such. The pros do it all the time.
**Thou shalt pay cash all the time in a revenge plot.
Checks and other paper transfers can be traced back to you. Cash cannot.
**Thou shalt trade with merchants who have never heard of you.
Do business with people only once when involved in a revenge plot. You
can wear a disguise so the people you are involved with will have
trouble identifying you in a legal confrontation.
**Thou shalt never threaten thy victim.
Why warn your intended victim that you are going to get even? When bad
things begin to happen to your victim - whether or not you caused them -
your victim will remember your threat, and he or she will set out to
even the score with you.
**Thou shalt secure a "mail drop" address in another city.
You don't want revenge mail being traced back to your residence/home,
do you?
**Thou shalt not leave evidence laying around, however circumstantional.
Note well what Francois de La Rochefoucauld wrote in Maximes, "The
height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it."
Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
_______________________________
From: clare carnage (cca...@aol.comspmbrgr)
Subject: Re: The Ten Commandments Of Revenge
you're sounding just a tad paranoid there. did the military get to you THAT
much??
Clare C.
lisa simpson: "what are you reading mr flanders?"
ned flanders: "everything but the opinion page. i don't need to be told what
to think by anyone living."
_______________________________
> you're sounding just a tad paranoid there. did the military get to
> you THAT much??
"Anyone who isn't paranoid these days is crazy."
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you."
-Robert Anton Wilson
Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Schismatizing Fascinet (fasc...@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Painful, grating, frustrating
ultr...@my-deja.com wrote:
>
> Further, if my firm assigned me to defend an alleged child molester or
> a gay basher, and I thought there was a decent chance the allegations
> were true, I would quit in a heartbeat.
I guess a couple of naked hippies had better be extra careful then.
In the meantime, it's time for a haiku:
a cunning linguist
his business is in briefs
pleads and pleads for it
> And even if I didn't think it
> were true, there'd be the issue of standing up in public
>as "defending" things I find personally abhorrent.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> But I wouldn't dream to tell them
> why they *shouldn't* take the case. My job is to work on cases the
> firm decides to take. Save all but a very few, my personal opinion of
> any of those cases is irrelevant, as well it should be.
>
Death to all fanatics!
> And I happen not to see much difference speechwise between say, "The
> Anarchist's Cookbook" and "How to molest your child," should such a
> title exist. Neither gives anyone license to go out and *do* any of
> the actions mentioned therein. But I sure as hell want to know how to
> construct a bomb if need be, and if it means that somewhere someone
> has
> access to directions for other repulsive activities, then it's the
> price I pay for my information. And money well spent.
>
You can get this info for free on the net.
> Sunlight is the best disinfectant. That swill needs to get thrown out
> there and let the public laugh the crackpot author out of town. Or
> elect him PM.
> To make that decision for anyone but the truly
> incompetent is elitist, incredibly patronizing, and, some would say,
> every bit as specious as the ideas you're saying don't have the right
> to see the light of day.
>
I'm amazed his knuckles don't bleed when he walks.
> Your choice is to either use your best efforts to get the stuff out
> there and see if the readership doesn't agree with you, or to quit
> because you cannot devote yourself to ideas you find abhorrent.
Pro-Lifers insist on laboring over a misconception.
> Lastly, a postscript by Baird, added at his request:
>
> XXXXXbaird: You should also tell him his opinion isn't the only one
> that matters - contrary to his belief.
You said it! For Staniforth's ego, this newsgroup is all about him and
his issues. His ego grows increasingly restive from extended
inattention and will often provoke conflict to reestablish himself as
the subject at hand.
> XXXXXbaird: I should beat his faggoty, ginger beer-drinking ass to the
> Artic.
All he's ever licked in a fight is his wounds.
> XXXXXbaird: So he can tell us why the poles should have the warmer
> temperatures.
>
Fascinet
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Fiendish Plot of Fascinet (fasc...@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Anything in Knoxville?
jeremy...@my-deja.com wrote:
> Is anyone here from Knoxville, TN? Is there any kind of a punk scene
> here? I'd like to know, because right now I'm bored as FUCK!!!
>
> Not bored as fuck, but bored as FUCK!!!
>
> Jeremy
>
When I stayed in Knoxville, I went to the museum where they had all the
heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Fascinet
"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. "
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Fiendish Plot of Fascinet (fasc...@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Friday
"Ross Abraham" <ro...@thorazine.org> wrote:
>Friday
> I'll be in Baltimore. Watch out.
>
>
See that, everybody? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the
time.
Fascinet
"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. "
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
PROFILES OF GOTHS
The following are links to pages on Fugly.net. What the folks at Fugly
do is scan the web for pictures that people put on their web sites-
not just any people, but people who tend to be an open target for
ridicule. These include white trash, nerds, bikers, goths,
bodybuilders, etc. Pretty much any bad picture found on somebody's
Geocities website. From Fugly's introduction:
"Ever stumbled across a picture that made you wince? Wonder why they
posted it to their home page? Wonder if they regret it?
We can't prevent the first, can't explain the second - but maybe we can
help the third along.
Of course, if folks had any conscience, shame, or sense, this would be
wholly unnecessary - so maybe it's futile, but it sure is fun.
THE SITE
Most people are simply unremarkable. The few who are stunningly
beautiful, two standard deviations from the norm, enjoy attention,
acclaim, and recognition - through no effort of their own, they enjoy
the privileges of rarity.
But they're not alone ...
There are countless thousands born under much the same star, two
standard deviations from the norm in the opposite direction. This site
is an attempt to rectify that injustice, to give the ugly their fair
share ... or more aptly, their just desserts.
THE REASON
For whatever reason, these specimens saw fit to post their portraits to
the Web. That makes them fair game ...
The images in this site were gathered from the far corners of the World
Wide Web, in places where dreary, commonplace (commonface) people
desperately scrabble for attention by posting their mugs for an
international audience to gawk. The images that follow were all posted
by people whose message to the World (Wide Web) is "Hey, look at me!"
So look at them - they asked for it!"
This site is too long to be viewed in one sitting. The funniest and
most entertaining pictures and descriptions are, of course, the
profiles of the Goths. And so for your viewing convenience, they are
listed here.
Count Dork-ula, Lord of the Uncool
http://www.fugly.net/g5/6012.html
Queen of the Zooks
http://www.fugly.net/g9/0814.html
The wages of Sin are about $6.50 an hour
http://www.fugly.net/g6/1956.html
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of The Cure
http://www.fugly.net/g4/9m01.html
The reason only ugly women hang out in bars
http://www.fugly.net/g1/5236.html
An Antonym for "Slinky Temptress"
http://www.fugly.net/g1/4532.html
Grrrilla Grrl
http://www.fugly.net/g6/1958.html
In a moment, she'll start to sing
http://www.fugly.net/g9/2625.html
While this last one isn't a Goth, Goths are
mentioned in the text.
Whatever happened to Tammy Faye?
http://www.fugly.net/g6/9m09.html
Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
_______________________________
From: Panurge (jblanks--mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: PROFILES OF GOTHS
The Pythagorean Fascinet <fascinet--hotmail.com> wrote:
>There are countless thousands born under much the same star, two
>standard deviations from the norm in the opposite direction. This site
>is an attempt to rectify that injustice, to give the ugly their fair
>share ... or more aptly, their just desserts.
Yeah, well, talk about your "sad little lives"--this is sadder and, uh,
littler than anything the targets of these spiteful little missives could
conceive. :-P Why are you (or Fugly.net) so bothered by them?
_______________________________
From: The Fiendish Plot of Fascinet (fascinet--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: PROFILES OF GOTHS
jblanks--mindspring.com (Panurge) wrote:
> Yeah, well, talk about your "sad little lives"--this is sadder
> and, uh, littler than anything the targets of these spiteful
> little missives could conceive. :-P Why are you (or Fugly.net)
> so bothered by them?
Who's bothered?
Free entertainment when you're sitting under the overpass.
Goths should be held up as an example of the community spirit that is
lacking in the rest of American society. Who else would be so kind as
to pass out quality comedy free on the streets, every goth night at the
local club?
Kudos, goths. We love you.
Keep up the good work.
Fascinet
_______________________________
From: Chrysalis (chrisalistic--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: PROFILES OF GOTHS
The Pythagorean Fascinet <fascinet--hotmail.com> wrote:
>
>
> PROFILES OF GOTHS
>
> The following are links to pages on Fugly.net. What the folks at Fugly
> do is scan the web for pictures that people put on their web sites —
> not just any people, but people who tend to be an open target for
> ridicule. These include white trash, nerds, bikers, goths,
> bodybuilders, etc. Pretty much any bad picture found on somebody's
> Geocities website. From Fugly's introduction:
Sometimes, I'm almost ashamed to be goth. But then, since I don't
identify with these losers, (especially the chainmail bikini girl, who
isn't gothic at all, really, more like an embarrassing SCAdian), I can
just laugh.
Chrysalis
_______________________________
From: Roberta Hatch (bhatch--rahul.net)
Subject: Re: PROFILES OF GOTHS
Well, Chrysalis, I doubt that The Pythagorean Fascinet was
claiming that you identify with those losers. He was just pointing
out that those groups of people are easy targets for ridicule.
Especially goths. Also, you shouldn't be "almost" ashamed to be
goth, you should be *goddamned* ashamed to be goth. Do you spit
or swallow?
Bobbi
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Staniforth, the Lion-Hearted (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: alt.punk
The Fiendish Plot of Fascinet <fascinet--my-deja.com> wrote:
> > >>>
> >>>>You're all being too nice, these days.
> > >>> What's wrong?
> > >>
> > > > I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just
> > > > have to fill in the rest.
> > >
> > > Yeah, but the counting is the hard part.
> >
> > I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
>
> I take it that you're ghost-writing it yourself.
>
Maybe. Do I have to pay my ghost writers a living wage?
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Comrade Staniforth (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: What are you reading?
parkluck--aol.com (Park Luck) wrote:
> Gravity's Rainbow, by Pynchon. It's a quick, light read. Perfect
> for leaving
> by the toilet. No thinking necessary, just flip through it like a
> Cosmopolitan Magazine. I recommend it highly.
>
>
> evan
>
I was flipping through a Cosmo at a toilet recently. I took a quiz, and
it turns out I do put career before men.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Comrade Staniforth (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: "If You're a Leo...
The Hand of Fascinet wrote:
> "...don't travel by air this week."
>
> If you're not a Leo, avoid airplanes with too many Leos on them.
>
You're a person who travels well. Now start travelling.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Comrade Staniforth (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Do You Need Your Fix?
The Fiendish Plot of Fascinet <fascinet--my-deja.com> wrote:
>
> So what is to be done? Ah, reach for a cup of coffee and ponder
> the question.
>
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Some Pranks I Played On A Teacher
Recently, I wrote that I'd been blowing up coke bottles for years. The
general method was very simple: I'd fill a Coke bottle a quarter-full
with gun powder and then drop a match into it.
Oh, and then run like hell. Very important part. If you're trying
this at home (and I encourage you to), remember to run like hell.
The bottle would shoot flames out the top and was better in that regard
than any pyrotechnic you can buy without running up the Cheyanne. It
would do this for a certain amount of time that I'll call "random."
After that, it would explode.
Very fun. For a little extra spice, I'd occasionally add primers to mix.
Then the old glass Coke bottles, the ones shaped like Coke bottles,
went out when the era of New Coke was ushered in, or at least very near
to it.
The revamped Coke bottles wouldn't blow up without adding real
explosives, which really detracted from the point, and would never,
even with real explosives, give the fountain effect.
New Coke traumatized me. I just had to to think up something else to
blow up. I also needed an idea for a prank to play on a teacher.
Here's what I did and you can do it to. Carefully drill a hole in the
end of a lightbulb (the metal part) without breaking the glass. Then,
get out a funnel and gunpowder. Pour the gunpowder through the hole in
the lightbulb. Don't fill it up all the way, if you do you'll probably
kill somebody. Once there's enough gunpowder inside, put duct tape
over the hole so it doesn't escape.
Now, take the bulb into the teacher's restroom and replace one of their
lightbulbs with this one. When someone switches on the light, the
lightbulb will explode, blowing apart the light fixture, almost sending
ol' teach into cardiac arrest.
Quite a lark, eh?
I also discovered the lightbulb bomb (or something similar) can be
hooked up to any device that sends an electrical impulse, such as a
car's spark plug, alarm clock, VCR timer, etc.
My personal favorite was taking apart a remote controlled toy car, and
hooking the bomb up to the wire that powers the front wheels. You can
have it explode under a teacher's caddy in the school parking lot from
a safe distance away, and no one will know.
Poor teach was pretty upset about what happened to his car. I felt like
going up to him and saying, "One of these days we'll look back on this
and laugh."
Fascinet
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Please note: I do not encourage the actual removal of Jesse's penis.
I'm assuming here that you might find it on your front lawn, or that
the dog brought it home. Really.
-Place a candle in the "eye" and it's a nice candle holder.
--I say, use it for what it was intended, a DIP stick ... Check that
oil.
--Spike heel protector: hollow out, cover heel with Jesse's hollowed out
dick and voila, no more scuff marks.
--How about a woonsock for your daughter's Barbie Dream House?
--Put in a blender to give to your baby daughter who is too young to eat
solid foods yet.
--Hollow out and put chips in it for dinner guests, especially when they
are someone you don't like.
--Use it as a de-stresser, like those little foam balls, and squeeze the
stress away.
--Use it as a very effective fishing lure.
--Fill with stones and throw it at every guy you hate. It's PMS Control.
--
--Use it as a holder for your pepper spray to ward off attackers.
--Give it to your kids for "show and tell"
--Hollow out and insert a lightbulb for one handy flashlight
--Get it gilded, and use it as a TRES CHIC refillable lipstick case ...
the TO DIE FOR testicle compact case completes the ensemble..
--Shove full of Kleenex and use as a handy dandy tissue tissue
dispenser.
--Hollow out and insert a lightbulb for one handy flashlight
--Glue corn to it and put it in the yard as a decorative squirrel
feeder.
--Hollow it out, poke in a few extra holes, and there ya go, you've got
a flute
--Stick Staniforth's dick in a cardboard box, send a condom and a brush,
and you can entertain the rugrats for hours. They can dress him up,
comb his hair, and create scenes for him to act out. He even comes with
a life like regurgitation reflex. He does everything. He's Jesse
Dickhead....
--Use as a rolling pin for a handy tool in the kitchen
--Fill with ink and you've got a lovely fountain pen.
--For those with fat fingers, use as a dialing wand for touch tone
phones.
--Attach to the center of a horse saddle for a more pleasurable ride in
the country.
--Pointing stick for presentations.
--Place chalk in "eye" and use as a chalk stick.
--Attach lightbulb to head, place lamp cover over it and poof. A nice
lampstand/conversation piece.
--Dice it up into small squares, sprinkle them into a salad and give
salad to your least favourite people.
--
--Hollow out, make a slit in the top, add a zipper and you have a make-
up bag.
--
--Bring it into science class and use it as a beaker.
--Use it as a toilet roll dispenser.
--Put a firework in it and light it on the 4th of July.
--
--Bring into sex education class, and tell all the guys "this is what
happens when a girl has PMS".
--Pincushion.
--
--Mount on top of a piece of pipe that has a hose attachment on the
other end -- stick in the ground for a novelty sprinkler.
--Weather vane on top of a barn.
--
--Apply a bit of cleansing soap and use as a scratch-free scrubber for
hard to reach places on surfaces that can't handle tough abrasives.
--Put a wooden base on the bottom, put holes in the sides, and then put
lollipop sticks in the holes -- now you have a lollipop holder.
--
--Add a rope, put in jail shower room as new soap on a rope for lonely
inmates.
--
--
--Put it in a a jar of vinegar and label the jar "to be removed only
when used as a dick and not a brain" .
--
--"Finely" grate it with an ordinary cheese grater. Fill small baby food
jar (any brand/flavor will do fine) with water, pour in Jesse's dick-
shavings, glue lid, decorate outside - VOILA. Paperweight that "snows"
when turned upside-down and shaken.
--
--Stick a magnet in the pee-hole, whack a nail through the middle of it
into a piece of wood and you've got a handy travel compass
--Bronze it, and make it your own personal trophy.
--Hollow out a pair of them and make a nifty matching set of salt and
pepper shakers for your next fancy dinner party. This is particularly
handy if you don't like your dinner guests.
--
--Hang it on your car mirror -- a rapist or car jacker will think
twice..
--
--
--Place in flower pot to hold up plant
--Stick a hook in it and use it as a Christmas Ornament
--Fill with wax and a wick and you have a cheap, unique candle
--Add toothpaste and make sure you roll the balls up to the head to get
the longest usage
--Roll it on the back of the neck for a soft message
--Make sure to have it ready to use when breaking and entering for the
guard dog to have something to chew on
--When in the desert, hold by balls, point towards ground and you should
be able to find water.
--Hollow out, soak in water, blow up and fill with water: ba-da-bing,
the new water balloon.
--Fill with helium and tie outside the house for a man bashing night
--Attach 4 hooks (2 on each end) hang in rodent or ferret cage for a
hammock for your favourite pet rat.
--Can cooler -- hollow out and insert favourite canned beverage.
--
--Hollow out, fill with liquid soap, and hang in bathroom for automatic
soap dispenser.
--Paper towel holder/toilet paper holder.
--Use a rearview mirror dangler. It will be more popular then fuzzy dice.
--Attach a scrungie pad and use as a toilet bowl brush.
--Put it on a stick, then place in your lawn. When grass reaches head
it's time to mow again.
--Fill with frosting and use to decorate cakes.
--Fill with cotton and use a lamp pull.
--Add vinegar and water .. reusable douche ...
--Hollow out and place over wooden dowel. Attach to seat of Granny's
rocking chair to give her the ride of her life.
--Wrap it up in a pretty little box with a big pretty bow and send it to
your ex-best friend who you caught in bed with your now ex-boyfriend,
being sure to drop a little note saying how happy you hope the two of
them (now three) will be together
--Replacement toilet handle.
--Chop in small cubes, brown in a skillet, incorporate into a pot pie;
serve to nasty in-laws.
--
--
---*Cut-it-off*.....and go *Fishin* with it..
--A perfect keychain, changes when it gets hotter
--When on a date and the male wants to have sex, pull it out and
say "this is what happened to my last boyfriend, got any questions?"
--Flatten and hoist up a flag pole, the proud Canadian symbol
--
--
--Stick wick in opening, use in windows of house for Christmas lights .
--Thimble .
--Big round end for makeup powder puff .
--Hollow out, add dry beans and use for hackysack .
--Take that wiggly sucker to the optometrist, get the appropriate lens
put in, and you'll have yourself an elegant monocle to wear to the
opera.
--Cat toy (best if they have NOT been de-clawed.)
--Put in on a hook and try to catch blowfish
--
--Attached to saddle as a saddle horn
--Add wire and lure ... Popeil's pocket fisherman
--Dip it in a paint pot and use it as a painting tool it as a pea
shooter. (It'll freak out whoever you're firing at.)
--
--Stick it on the back of a pencil...for an eraser.
--Put a red bulb in it, squeeze to turn it on and use it as a laser
pointer at meetings.
--Use as an ice cream stick or an ice cream cone (a perfect treat)
--Paint it green, string it up, and hide the pickle in your Christmas
tree.
--Use as a bird toy, hang at top of cage. Birds love to peck.
--New horn to "blow" for the next Ricola commercial
--Hide money and valuables in it...the one place robbers won't look
--
--Replacement for broken Stiletto Heel - hey, you'd wanna walk on it
anyway, right?
--
--
--Book end
--Attach Wires, Buttons, Voila....a Joystick.
--A wrist rest for your Mouse pad
--
--Rapier or Main Gouche (depends on size)
--Above Average Girth? Use as A Cream Dispenser.
--Fill it with gel. Cork it. It's a Stress relief device.
--Natural Tampon Insertion Device
--Decorate it with crepe paper, fill it with candy and use it as a
pinata at your next Bachelorette Party.
--Attach it to the wall and fill with soap ... squeeze to dispense.
--Replace broken leg on ottoman
--
--For a fun rainy day activity for kids, hollow it out, fill with play-
doh, and squeeze to make play-doh noodles.
--Plug end hole and use as wine cork.
--A bartender can use it as a nozzle on liquor bottles.
--Beer tap.
--Rock climbing anchor.
--Use it in place of a bicycle seat for more satisfying bike rides.
--Stick a bent fork in the end for a homemade back scratcher.
--Cover with carpet and attach wooden platform for a cat scratcher.
--Stack many end on end and paint with festive colors to make a totem
pole.
--Attach to the end of a coke bottle filled with water, turn upside
down, and put it on your hamster's cage.
--Fill with stones and use for doorstop .
--Spray paint and wear as an earring .
--Add prisms and hang in window as suncatchers .
--Fill with cement and use as doorknocker .
--Fill with ink and use as bingo dabber.
--Put in a wringer and use to scrape windows.
--Fill with Frosting and squeeze to decorate cake.
--Xmas stocking .
--
--Sew on sequins and use as an evening bag with your favourite plum
colored outfit.
--Dehydrate it and use it as potpourri
--Fill it with aluminum and a heater coil and use as a curling iron
--
--
--Use it for a nose on a Snowman.
--Use it as a decoration to hang from your rear view mirror.
--Spray it gold and hang it on your tree.
--Stick mistletoe in the end and hang it over your door.
out and use it for a milkshake straw.
--Varnish it and use it as part of a dried flower arrangement.
--You ever see those little springy things that protect the wall from
the opening door hitting it... well Jesse's dick would be perfect...
every time you walked in the room... ouch.
--Hang a dried out one inside an upside down clay pot for an interesting
bell. Gives new meaning to the phrase "ding dong"..
--
--
--
--A rolling pin.
--Press it flat in an old phone book and create an interesting pressed
penis picture, a perfect gift for the guy who thinks he has everything.
--Put a handle in the end and use it for a paint stirring stick .
--Nail it to the wall and use it for a coat rack
--In a pinch (literally), poke extra holes in the end and replace shower
nozzle.
--Attach a cord for a vibrating/massage shower head .
--
--Toilet paper roll dispenser .
--New mic (or Mike) for your karaoke machine .
--Hang around your neck on a spiky dog chain to dispel squeamish men.
--
--Roll it in peanut butter then bird seed and hang it in a tree for the
birds to "peck" at.
--Insert into Thanksgiving or Christmas turkey ... when burnt to a crisp
your turkey is done.
--
--Bronze it and then use it as a coat hook.
--
--Conversation piece on the coffee table....("Oh, that's just Jesse when
he was in his prime.").
--Paperweight.
--Easy way to make holes in donuts..
--Tie string through pee hole, hang on doorknob for kitties.
--Pin cushion.
--Mammogram tester: Before you flatten your breast, run a demo on
Jesse's dick.
--Redneck girl's toothpick holder.
--Freeze and use for an ice-pak. Microwave for a heating pad.
--
--
--Impale it on the bedpost and notch it instead of your lipstick case.
--Tis the season ... a Christmas Tree Ornament, of course, with a bow.
--Use as a tampax holder
--Keep in ones purse to fend off pickups ... "Would you like some dick?"
Show to the person and politely say, "NO thank you ... I already have
mine."
--
--Fill with Vicks and use as a nose inhaler.
--
--Use it has a kickstand -- rigor mortis does set in, doesn't it??
--Draw your ex's face on it and use it for a voodoo doll.
--Use it as a bud vase.
--
--Plant it in flower pot (head side down) next to your favourite plant.
Fill it with water and plant food for automatic feeding.
--
--Plunger handle .
--Stick a mickey mouse head on the tip, slit the dick horizontally,
insert a spring in the bottom, and use as a pez dispenser. .
--Attach to your door frame and use as a chin up bar.
--
--Hang it over the Men's Room door, so people who don't speak English
will know which room to enter.
--
--Stick coat hangers through it, insert it in a Black & Decker drill and
use it as a paint stripper.
--
--String it up, add a couple of bells and make a wind chime.
--Hollow out, add some dried beans and viola. Your own maracas.
--Orchestra conductor's baton.
--Pointer for an anatomy teacher.
--Use to flip somebody off in traffic, especially effective on male
drivers.
--Anti-Viagra campaign logo.
--Glue to wooden base and use for a necklace holder.
--As an emergancy replacement for handgrips on your bike.
--As a #1 candle on a birthday cake.
--To induce vomiting.
--Interesting hair accessory.
--
--Place it standing upright, along with the balls, on a wooden base, and
you've got a nice model of the space shuttle to give to your nephew for
Christmas.
--
--Use it as an over-sized pink eraser .
--Use it as a nozzle to provide a steady stream on your garden hose (and
be sure to write your name with the water stream).
--Nail it to the wall and hang your coffee mug on it.
--
--Extra-thick crochet hook.
--Replacement handle for a slot machine.
--Attach 4 wheels, two on each end, and use it as a back massager.
--Slip over the handle of a hot pan.
--Poke a few extra holes in the end, and fill with parmesan .... .
--A great cocktail stir stick.
--Use it for rolling dough.
--A seed popper.
--Meat tenderizer.
--Good to make a jello mold.
--
--Put a cork in the bottom and use as a salt and pepper shaker .
--Hollow it out and stick it on the end of a fireplace blower (fan) to
keep a fire going
--Hollow out. Remove head. Insert grinder. Reattach head and use as a
pepper mill or maybe cinnamon
--Hollowed out, it's perfect for a hose attachment sprayer .
--Slide on a #2 pencil as a pencil grip .
--Use as a durable coffee stirrer .
--
--Insert with pins and wear it on a necklace. Best worn at a bar; merely
flash it at unsolicited suitors.
--Fishing lure to catch blowfish.
--Use it to roll cannoli shells ... miniatures, perhaps.
--Burn as an incense stick; you'll be the envy of all your friends.
--Attach to your phone receiver to use as a very comfy shoulder rest.
Simon XXX
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: bobGoblin (get--lost.dorcom)
Subject: Re: PRACTICAL USES FOR STANIFORTH'S PENIS
In alt.punk, Dr Simonicus, bastardxx--my-deja.com, says...
> --Hollow it out, poke in a few extra holes, and there ya go, you've got
> a flute
>
The Original Jesse SkinFlute by PlaySkool
(Patent Pending)
--
- goblin
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
From: Thinks4himself (thinks4himself--my-deja.com)
Subject: Bigot Lite Test
BIGOT LITE TEST
1. You see a woman who is 5'2" and weighs over 400 pounds. She is smiling and
playing with her young daughter. What would be your thoughts about her?
a. She obviously has low self-esteem, is lazy, and doesn't care about her
health and has no pride in her appearance.
b. She seems friendly and is having a good time with her daughter. She is
very heavy, but that has nothing to do with her character.
c. She seems nice, but must have some serious issues to let herself get like
that.
2. You meet a man who is 38 years old and still lives with his parents. What
is your opinion?
a. He is immature, a loser, and has no ambition or pride in himself.
b. I don't know why he still lives at home, but who cares? It doesn't make
him any less of a man.
c. 38 is way too old to live at home.
3. You see a man covered from head to toe with tattoos. He is smiling and
laughing while talking to his girlfriend. What is your opinion?
a. He obviously is rebelling against society with all those tattoos. He
doesn't follow rules and is possibly involved in illegal activity.
b. He seems like a nice guy who is really into tattoos.
c. He's nice, but has way too many tattoos.
4. There is a show on TV or on the radio that you absolutely hate and think
that it's incredibly stupid. What is your opinion of its fans?
a. They obviously have low intelligence, have bad taste, and are very immature
to be fans of that crap.
b. I don't have anything against people that like that show, but I don't know
why they like it!
c. I worry about people who like that show..
SCORING
For every a, give yourself 0 points.
For every b, give yourself 2 points.
For every c, give yourself 1 point.
7-8 points:
NON-BIGOT (NB)
You are someone that thinks for yourself. You are totally consistent in your
stance against bigotry, and you should be applauded. You don't believe that
some bigotry is acceptable and some isn't.
6 points:
ALMOST NON-BIGOT (ANB)
You're a fairly open-minded person, but may still have a few misconceptions
about people who are different. Anyone can be a non-bigot if they choose to,
and you are very close.
4-5 points:
AVERAGE JOE OR JANE (AJ)
You are pretty common. You're not a bigot or bigot lite, but not a total
non-bigot either. You tend to go with the flow with what society says about
people who are different. But if you think for yourself, and open up your
mind, you can be a non-bigot.
3 points:
ALMOST BIGOT LITE (ABL)
You are a bit closed-minded and judgmental of people who are different. You
have really been swayed by societal stereotypes. Wouldn't it be better to
think for yourself?
0-2 points:
BIGOT LITE (BL)
You've taken societal stereotypes and closed-mindedness and taken it to a new
level. You have very low tolerance for people that are different. You may
not consider yourself bigoted at all, since there are about 6 or 7 special
groups of people that you are not bigoted against..but what about everybody
else who is a little bit different? You're not as bad as the racist KKK type
of bigot, which is the reason for the term "bigot lite". It's bigotry that is
still accepted by society.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Fiendish Plot of Fascinet (fascinet--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Bigot Lite Test
thinks4himself--my-deja.com wrote:
> BIGOT LITE TEST
>
> 1. You see a woman who is 5'2" and weighs over 400 pounds. She is
> smiling and playing with her young daughter. What would be your
> thoughts about her?
"I've got $50 that says she keels over in fifteen minutes."
> 2. You meet a man who is 38 years old and still lives with his
> parents. What is your opinion?
"I wonder if his mom gives good head?"
> 3. You see a man covered from head to toe with tattoos. He is
> smiling and laughing while talking to his girlfriend. What is
> your opinion?
"Someone's parents didn't beat him enough when he was a kid."
> 4. There is a show on TV or on the radio that you absolutely hate and
> think that it's incredibly stupid. What is your opinion of it's fans?
"Why in the hell do you, the author of this quiz, care enough about TV
to hate a show? You worthless, banal faggot?"
> SCORING
You are the One and Only,
Fascinet
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Comrade Staniforth (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Bigot Lite Test
The Fiendish Plot of Fascinet <fascinet--my-deja.com> wrote:
> thinks4himself--my-deja.com wrote:
> > BIGOT LITE TEST
> >
> > 1. You see a woman who is 5'2" and weighs over 400 pounds. She is
> > smiling and playing with her young daughter. What would be your
> > thoughts about her?
>
> "I've got $50 that says she keels over in fifteen minutes."
>
Most guys will fuck anything that moves, but I never saw any reason to
limit myself.
> > 2. You meet a man who is 38 years old and still lives with his
> > parents. What is your opinion?
>
> "I wonder if his mom gives good head?"
>
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so
often.
> > 3. You see a man covered from head to toe with tattoos. He is
> > smiling and laughing while talking to his girlfriend. What is
> > your opinion?
>
> "Someone's parents didn't beat him enough when he was a kid."
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
> > 4. There is a show on TV or on the radio that you absolutely hate
> > and think that it's incredibly stupid.
> > What is your opinion of it's fans?
>
> "Why in the hell do you, the author of this quiz, care enough about TV
> to hate a show? You worthless, banal faggot?"
>
Now don't be homophobic. Fags hate that.
> > SCORING
>
> You are the One and Only,
I'm glad you don't have a split personality. This one's bad enough.
> Fascinet
>
He's a Lumberjack and he's okay!
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Hand of Fascinet (fascinet--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Bigot Lite Test
thinks4himself--my-deja.com wrote:
> BIGOT LITE TEST
>
> 1. You see a woman who is 5'2" and weighs over 400 pounds. She is
> smiling and playing with her young daughter. What would be your
> thoughts about her?
> b. She seems friendly and is having a good time with her daughter.
> She is very heavy, but that has nothing to do with her character.
She's a lard-ass, are you blind?
> 2. You meet a man who is 38 years old and still lives with his parents.
> What is your opinion?
> b. I don't know why he still lives at home, but who cares? It
> doesn't make him any less of a man.
Yeah, convince his date of that, moron.
> 3. You see a man covered from head to toe with tattoos. He is
> smiling and laughing while talking to his girlfriend. What is
> your opinion?
> b. He seems like a nice guy who is really into tattoos.
And if you tell him what a nice guy he is, he'll rip your ears off.
Why the fuck did you think he got the tattoos? To look like a pretty
flower?
> 4. There is a show on TV or on the radio that you absolutely hate and
> think that it's incredibly stupid. What is your opinion of it's fans?
> b. I don't have anything against people that like that show, but I
> don't know why they like it!
They like it, apparently, because they're more discriminating than you.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Comrade Staniforth (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Bigot Lite Test
The Hand of Fascinet <fascinet--my-deja.com> wrote:
>
> > b. I don't have anything against people that like that show, but I
> > don't know why they like it!
>
> They like it, apparently, because they're more discriminating than you.
>
> Fascinet
> Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>
The only time you have a heart is when you're playing cards.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Comrade Staniforth (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Bigot Lite Test
thinks4himself--my-deja.com wrote:
> BIGOT LITE TEST
>
> 1. You see a woman who is 5'2" and weighs over 400 pounds. She is
> smiling and playing with her young daughter. What would be your
> thoughts about her?
"Whoa, some dude actually slept with that.."
> 2. You meet a man who is 38 years old and still lives with his
> parents. What is your opinion?
"Morgan Coe is a nice guy."
> 3. You see a man covered from head to toe with tattoos. He is
> smiling
> and laughing while talking to his girlfriend. What is your opinion?
>
"He had to give up some of his drug and booze money to get those
tatoos. That takes disciplne and I admire that."
> 4. There is a show on TV or on the radio that you absolutely hate and
> think that it's incredibly stupid. What is your opinion of it's fans?
"There's good cannon fodder going to waste."
> SCORING
>
all the time with yo'mama. Film at eleven.
>
> 7-8 points:
> NON-BIGOT (NB)
>
> You are someone that thinks for yourself. You are totally consistent
> in your stance against bigotry, and you should be applauded. You don't
> believe that some bigotry is acceptable and some isn't.
>
> 6 points:
> ALMOST NON-BIGOT (ANB)
>
> You're a fairly open-minded person, but may still have a few
> misconceptions about people who are different. Anyone can be a
> non-bigot if they choose to, and you are very close.
>
>
>
Everybody repeat after me..... "We are all individuals."
>
> You've taken societal stereotypes and closed-mindedness and taken it
>to
> a new level. You have very low tolerance for people that are different.
> You may not consider yourself bigoted at all, since there are about 6
>or
> 7 special groups of people that you are not bigoted against..but what
> about everybody else who is a little bit different? You're not as bad
> as the racist KKK type of bigot, which is the reason for the term
> "bigot lite". It's bigotry that is still accepted by society.
Damn right. Bigotry is everywhere you look in our racist society. Just
open your eyes -ever look at a washing machine's instructions?
"Separate whites from coloreds." It's an outrage, I tell ya.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Dr Simonicus (bastardxx--my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Bigot Lite Test
thinks4himself--my-deja.com wrote:
> BIGOT LITE TEST
>
Greetings "thinks4himself". I'd like to extend you a warm welcome to
alt.punk. Don't let a couple of rude, nasty, bigoted posters give you
the wrong idea of alt.punk. I've been around here a long time and I'm
totally sure most of the alt.punk regulars agree with you. So please
feel free to post some more insightful social commentary on alt.punk.
Some people around here really need it.
--
carrie_miaway
Notes on the following thread.
French to English translations:
~Hé Morgan Coe, pouvez-vous traduire ces commentaires?
Hey Morgan Coe, can you translate these comments?
~Cette enculer de machine Staniforth.
enculer
++ to bugger, to fuck. Refers to anal sex only. Derived from "cul"
(qv).
cette putain de machine
this fucking machine, can be used in any phrase
~Staniforth polit le chinois.
chinois (noun, masculine)
the Chinaman - i.e., a penis. Is it because the opening at the tip is
somewhat more like a slit than an actual hole? Whatever the cause, our
Chinese comrades are often put to good use with the metaphor "se polir
le Chinois" (to polish the Chinaman), for the act of giving yourself
pleasure.
~Staniforth fume le cigare.
cigare (noun, masculine)
dick. Commonly used in phrases like "couper le cigare" (to
circumcize, in kids' slang), "fumer le cigare" (to give a blowjob).
The analogy can be pursued further in the latter case, as some women
will not only be able to smoke the joint, but will also "avaler la
fumée" (swallow the smoke, literally, obviously the semen). The
comparison between the penis and a cigar can even be found in more
literary circumstances: in a scene of the novel Le Temps des Anges by
Swiss-French ewriter Catherine Colomb, a banker cuts the tip off a
Cuban cigar with his teeth...and thinks about a Jewish friend of his.
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" ~Freud
Mais non en cette ca!
But not in this case!
~Tu me fais chier.
chier
++ to shit Also used in "tu me fais chier" ("you make me puke").
~Que tu es emmerdant!
emmerdant (adj)
+ intensely annoying Example of use: "Que tu es emmerdant!" ("You
really piss me off!" (ie "You annoy me intensely")).
~Vous êtes un vrai branleur.
branleur, branleuse (noun)
+ wanker, insignificant or stupid person mildly offensive
~Staniforth n'a aucun couilles et cerveau à s'assortir.
couilles
+ balls, bollocks Testicles.
Staniforth has no balls and brains to match.
~Sans déconner!
déconner (verb)
to trick, to jerk around. Commonly used. Example of popular use: "Sans
déconner!" meaning "No kidding!" or "No shit!"
to trick, to jerk around Commonly used. Example: "sans déconner!" ("no
kidding!" or "no shit!")
~Les français me disent ces commentaires toute le temps.
French people tell me these comments all the time.
~Maintenant je sais ou Carrie Miaway va chercher ses insultes.
Now I know where Carrie Miaway will look for his insults.
~Ce pédé de boissons de bière de gingembre!
Pede -
Homosexual, applied to men only. Very common use.
queer, faggot
That ginger beer drinking faggot!
~Vous avez raison.
You are right.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Comrade Staniforth (j_staniforth--my-deja.com)
Subject: Hé Morgan Coe, pouvez-vous traduire ces commentaires?
Hé Morgan Coe, pouvez-vous traduire ces commentaires?
Cette enculer de machine Staniforth.
Staniforth polit le chinaman.
Staniforth fume le cigare.
Tu me fais chier.
Que tu es emmerdant!
Vous êtes un vrai branleur.
Staniforth n'a aucun couilles et cerveau à s'assortir.
Sans déconner!
Les français me disent ces commentaires toute le temps.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Morgan Coe (mrshoes--erols.com)
Subject: Hé Morgan Coe, pouvez-vous traduire ces commentaires?
Comrade Staniforth wrote:
>
> Hé Morgan Coe, pouvez-vous traduire ces commentaires?
>
> Cette enculer de machine Staniforth.
That machine fucker, Staniforth.
> Staniforth polit le chinaman.
This is straight up Franglais; I think it should be
"Staniforth polit le Chinois".
> Staniforth fume le cigare.
Staniforth performs oral sex on men.
> Tu me fais chier.
>
> Que tu es emmerdant!
These both mean "you are annoying", all thought in the
first case you are specifically annoying the speaker
whereas in the second you are INTRINSICALLY annoying.
Both expressions also have a scatalogical edge that
English fails to capture. Vive la France!
> Vous êtes un vrai branleur.
You, sir, are a real masturbator.
> Staniforth n'a aucun couilles et cerveau à s'assortir.
It starts off with the claim that you have no testicles,
and goes on to say something about your brain that I
can't quite make out.
> Sans déconner!
This is untranlateable.
> Les français me disent ces commentaires toute le temps.
Maintenant je sais ou Carrie Miaway va chercher ses insultes.
Morgan.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Cuylerhollis666 (cuylerhollis666--aol.com)
Subject: Re:Morgan Coe, pouvez-vous traduire ces
>
>Comrade Staniforth wrote:
>>
>> Hé Morgan Coe, pouvez-vous traduire ces commentaires?
>>
>> Cette enculer de machine Staniforth.
>
>That machine fucker, Staniforth.
>
This buttfucking machine Staniforth.
>> Staniforth polit le chinaman.
>
>This is straight up Franglais; I think it should be
>"Staniforth polit le Chinois".
>
Vous avez raison.
>> Staniforth fume le cigare.
>
>Staniforth performs oral sex on men.
>
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" ~Freud
Mais non en cette ca!
>> Tu me fais chier.
>>
>> Que tu es emmerdant!
>
>These both mean "you are annoying", all thought in the
>first case you are specifically annoying the speaker
>whereas in the second you are INTRINSICALLY annoying.
>Both expressions also have a scatalogical edge that
>English fails to capture. Vive la France!
>
>> Vous êtes un vrai branleur.
>
>You, sir, are a real masturbator.
>
....or jerk or wanker.
>> Staniforth n'a aucun couilles et cerveau à s'assortir.
>
>It starts off with the claim that you have no testicles,
>and goes on to say something about your brain that I
>can't quite make out.
>
Staniforth n'a aucun gosses and brains to match.
>> Sans déconner!
>
>This is untranlateable.
>
It means:
"No kidding!"
>> Les français me disent ces commentaires toute le temps.
>
>Maintenant je sais ou Carrie Miaway va chercher ses insultes.
>
Ce pédé de boissons de bière de gingembre!
>Morgan.
>--
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Fascinet's link of the week
This page consists of responses to a prank aol personals ad placed
under the name "metalchick" ( "metal dude wanted" ) which shows a
photo
of a hoochie-girl in a confederate-flag bikini. The pictures all these
metalheads sent in to woo her are awesome.
http://www.buddyhead.com/other/hessian/love/page/
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<