[... bill, pure distilled bill... ]
How to Stop Whining
For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love
Elizabeth Bernstein
WSJ
May 15, 2012
Therapists say "stop whining about your problems." Elizabeth Bernstein on
Lunch Break looks at why we are whining more these days and the need to cut it
out.
Sharon Rosenblatt was talking to her therapist fast and furiously about her
dating life, when the woman suddenly interrupted her. "Haven't we heard this
before?" the therapist asked.
Was Ms. Rosenblatt offended? Not at all. The 23-year-old, who works in
business development for an information technology company, says she
specifically sought out a tough-love therapist after graduating from college
and moving to Silver Spring, Md., 2 y ago.
'No more complaints. I don't want to hear about this one more day.'
--DOUGLAS MAXWELL, New York
"When there's unconditional love from my therapist, I'm not inclined to
change," Ms. Rosenblatt says. Previous therapists, she says, would listen
passively while she complained unchallenged.
Whining, as defined by experts--the therapists, spouses, co-workers and others
who have to listen to it--is chronic complaining, a pattern of negative
communication. It brings down the mood of everyone within earshot. It can hold
whiners back at work and keep them stuck in a problem, rather than working to
identify a solution. It can be toxic to relationships.
How do you get someone to stop the constant griping? The answer is simple, but
not always easy: Don't listen to it.
Moms, and bosses, are good at this. Some therapists are refusing to let
clients complain endlessly, as well--offering up Tough Love in place of the
nurturing gaze and the question "How does that make you feel?"
They're setting time limits on how long a client can stay on certain topics
and declaring some topics off-limits altogether. Some are even taping clients
so they can hear how they sound and firing clients who can't stop complaining.
"Talking endlessly about your problems isn't going to help," says Christina
Steinorth, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, Calif. She tells
her patients in the 1st session: "If you are looking for the type of therapy
where I am going to nod my head and affirm what you are feeling, this isn't
the place to come."
When clients whine, Ms. Steinorth has them make a list of how their life could
improve if they stopped complaining and started working to solve their
problems. She suggests they set aside a 10-minute window every day and do all
their whining then. For clients who still won't stop, she suggests they
consider discontinuing therapy until they are ready to move forward.
'I want whiners to ask themselves: "Would I hang out with this person?"'
--JULIE HANKS, Salt Lake City
Sometimes it feels like we're a nation of whiners. Many of us learned this
behavior as children, when we got what we wanted by wearing our parents
down. In adulthood, whining--or venting, as I like to call it when I'm doing
it--can be a coping mechanism, allowing us to let off steam.
"A lot of whiners don't know they whine," says Julie Hanks, a licensed
clinical social worker who has a therapy clinic in Salt Lake City. "I want
them to ask themselves, 'Would I want to hang out with this person?' "
Television encourages us to whine, thanks to shows like WE tv's "Bridezillas"
or A&E's "Monster In-Laws," about people who do almost nothing
else. Technology, meanwhile, has trained us to expect instant gratification
and become frustrated when we have to be patient. Facebook can make us feel
that everyone else has it easier.
According to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, married couples who flourish
have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions within "conflict
conversations." In couples who divorce, the ratio is less than 5 to 1.
The good news is that it is possible to get whiners to stop. Ms. Hanks, who
takes a tough stance on whining, says it is critical to build a rapport with a
client. She often challenges patients to go an entire session without talking
about pet topics, such as their mother or their ex. You can ban overvisited
topics at home, too, she says, as long as you pay attention to real
problems. She sometimes audiotapes sessions, so clients can hear themselves
whine. She has even taped herself at home, to learn how she relates to family
members.
'Sooner or later, the listener tunes out your whining.'
--FRAN WALFISH, Beverly Hills, Calif.
Ms. Hanks says it is important for the listener to understand that whining
masks a deeper, more vulnerable emotion. For example, a person might complain
about a boss, but what he is really feeling is fear that his career is
stalled. "Whining is just a powerless complaint," she says. Understand this
and you can get to the root of what is wrong.
Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills, Calif., licensed psychotherapist, has a
three-step stop-whining program. First, she points out the behavior, sometimes
mirroring it back to a client, using both the same words and tone.
"The goal is to create self-awareness," Dr Walfish says, and in a neutral way.
Next, she points out that there's a pattern to the complaining. Finally, she
asks the whiner what he or she plans to do about it.
"When someone whines to you, it is an indirect way of saying, 'You fix it,' "
Dr Walfish says. "You want to put the responsibility back where it belongs, in
the whiner's lap."
Some people create a no-whining zone.
Douglas Maxwell, a licensed psychoanalyst in Manhattan and president of the
National Association for the Advancement of Psychoanalysis, says constant
complaining is often a "resistance," and the person whining is often unaware
of it.
With a client who gripes incessantly about a problem without making progress,
he will say: "Stop. No more complaints. I don't want to hear about this one
more day. You must talk about something else."
Often, clients don't take this so well, Mr Maxwell says. They resist his
attempt to break through their barriers and even transfer their anger onto
him. But he holds his ground--and says he is prepared to repeat his ban as
often as he has to.
Sometimes, Mr Maxwell will use humor. "Here we go again," he might tease a
patient.
"Once you draw the line in the sand, you have to hold that line," he
says. "Otherwise, anything you say as a therapist loses its effect."
Crybabies, Be Gone!
Often, people don't realize they are whining. The trick: Raise their
self-awareness without using accusatory or sarcastic language.
Go gently: Even therapists say this conversation sometimes ends with the
client walking out. Start by telling the person who is whining how much you
appreciate him or her.
Use a tone of genuine curiosity. You want to get to the bottom of the problem
together. You may want to mirror the negative communication. 'I don't know if
you hear yourself, but listen to what you just said.'
Point out there's a pattern. Say, 'Do you realize it's the 5th night in a row
you've talked about this?' Offer to tape future conversations so the person
can hear for him or herself.
Open up the conversation. A person whining about work may be feeling unwell,
or stuck in his career. Ask, 'Is there something else that's wrong?' Explain
that it is hard for you to hear the real issue because the person's tone and
attitude are getting in the way.
Ask the person what he or she plans to do about the problem. Hold them
accountable.
Suggest alternatives. The person might want to write down a list of complaints
and leave it in a drawer. Or keep a journal and circle repeated complaints in
red pen. Or spend an hour at the gym, or do something outdoors with you.
Set a time limit. For 10 minutes a day, the person can whine unfettered--and
you will listen. Then time is up. Do this once a day, once a week--or
challenge the person to a 'whine-free day.'
Give positive reinforcement. Say, 'I love to hear good things about your job.'
Praise each increment toward healthy communication.
--
> to be severely affected by acidification because cold water more readily takes
> up CO2.
Cold water is less acidic.
[Goes on to equate ocean with galvanic cell with unspecified electrodes or eletrolyte].
-- Marvin the Marvin@CO, May 18, 2012 1:57:02 PM UTC+10
Huh? This has nothing to do with electrochemistry. The ocean is not
a galvanic cell, you moron.
--
erschro...@gmail.com, May 19, 2012 1:48:09 AM UTC+10
example, the pH of pure water at 50 ?C is 6.55.
[Goes on to equate ocean with sealed container of distilled water].