Mad Magazines "50 Worst Things about Video Games"
Robert P Holley
1. Game designers who can't understand why more women don't play
video games, especially since they feature such outstanding female role
models as a globetrotting archeologist (with big boobs), world-class
volleyball champions (with big boobs) and, of course, easily murdered
hookers (with big boobs).
2. Console manufacturers selling systems without basic essentials like
memory cards or a second controller, so you have to shell out another
60 bucks before you can see so much as a hair on Luigi's mustache.
3. The once-realistic Sims "busting out" into settings so fake and
ridiculous, it's only a matter of time before we see The Sims Team Up
With Sonic the Hedgehog to Take on the Giant Fire-Breathing Turtles.
4. Sega's long, pathetic parade of short-lived console systems, from
the Sega CD to the 32X to the Saturn to the Dreamcast, establishing a
legacy of failure on its way to rivaling that of the Chicago Cubs.
5. The "total time played" stats on your memory card, which only
serve to prove to your parents how many hours you've wasted playing
video games instead of doing your homework.
6. Games that make too many of their features "unlockable" just to
enjoy everything, you're forced to jump through more hoops than a
dolphin at Sea World.
7. Downloading "patches" for the latest and greatest
massive-multiplayer extravaganza. You mean our 50 bucks AND the monthly
fee didn't actually include a finished product?
8. Mind-numbingly dull "cinema sequences" - as if we really
needed to interrupt the game with ten minutes of bad acting and
clichéd dialogue to explain the deep motives and back story of why
Ratchet and Clank are running and jumping.
9. Choppy, second-rate video games designed for cell phones. Was text
messaging not a useless enough way to drain battery power?
10. Video game magazines that spend months hyping a game as the second
coming, lavishing it with praise and eagerly counting down to its
release date, only to dismiss it when it comes out as third-rate,
over-hyped crap.
11. Video game reviews from Maxim or FHM - as if their readers will
actually stop "juggling their joysticks" to photos of Eliza Dushku
long enough to go out and buy the game.
12. All tasks that involve searching for keys to open a door, secret
passageway, treasure chest or anything else crucial to your success.
You mean a character running around tirelessly with ten machine guns
and thousands or rounds of ammo can't just shoot a freakin' door
open?
13. Selling multiple versions of the same Pokemon games with different
creatures in each one, so you have to buy them both. It's almost as
shameless as making collectors buy two identical magazines with
different covers.
14. Racing through the Grand Canyon in a super-charged 350Z with ARC
spoilers and HKS turbochargers...then turning off Gran Turismo 4 and
driving to work in your 1988 Honda Civic with AM/FM radio and manual
windows.
15. Wannabe gamers who drop $200 on a system and another $50 on a game,
then immediately look up the cheat codes that make playing as easy and
pointless as possible.
16. The "Plug and Play" Atari system, which seems cool until you
actually buy it and realize that advances in graphics, color and sound
were made for a reason.
17. Falling for EA's annual con of forking over 50 bucks for the
improved version of Madden Football, since "improved" apparently
means adding a couple of dozen bench players and seven new versions of
Madden ywlling, "Boom! He sure knows how to tackle!"
18. Vietnam games that make you wonder if any national tragedy is
off-limits for crass exploitation.
19. Getting psyched to watch Spider-Man 2 on your brand-new PlayStation
Portable, then realizing the battery will get you about as far as the
opening credits.
20. Donkey Konga, which combines the '60s-era art of bongo drumming
with none of the mind-bending hallucinogens that made it tolerable in
the first place.
21. Finding out that your school photo looks just as dorky and pathetic
digitally pasted on to a cool skater's body in Tony Hawk's
Underground as it does hanging in your parents' den.
22. Rockstar's "exclusive" deal to keep Grand Theft Auto on
PlayStation 2, only to turn around and put a better version on Xbox a
few months later. For some inexplicable reason we were expecting
upstanding ethical behavior from a company whose game glorifies a
hooker-killing, drug-dealing gangbanger.
23. Having to "level up" your characters in role-playing games to
the point where it requires more work than your actual job.
24. Highly anticipated releases like Half-Life 2 and Doom 3, which
boast innovative, thrilling new ways for you to, uh...kill stuff.
25. Mario's ridiculous Italian accent, which comes in just behind
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City's infamous "Kill all the Haitians"
message as the worst ethnic offense in gaming.
26. Having a balance of ten cents on your arcade card, which is totally
good for nothing and yet you STILL can't bring yourself to chuck it.
27. Obnoxious gaming buddies who successfully guilt you into letting
them "try this level just one more time," which quickly turns into
a half hour, then hours on end and, finally, daybreak.
28. The idiotic rationalization that video games are good for hand-eye
coordination, as if that weren't also true of any other activity
involving doing a thing to another thing.
29. Sports games that realistically simulate the athletic experience
with shots of players scratching themselves - as if getting an
up-close view of Yao Ming playing pocket pool is why we fantasize about
playing in the NBA.
30. Games with development cycles that are so long and with release
dates forever delayed - even the friggin' Sopranos produce new
episodes faster.
31. Having to blow $9.99 on a book of tip codes because the game you
want them for is the ONLY one that hasn't been typed up for free on
the Internet.
32. Your disgusting friend who grabs your controller with his clammy
hands immediately after thoroughly licking Cheetos residue off each and
every finger.
33. Juiced-up versions of old Atari games, which are way too complex
for fans of the originals and way to lame for everybody else.
34. Trying to make a boring game like golf more "extreme" by adding
violence, scantily-clad babes and dubbing it Outlaw Golf, meaning
we'll soon have Outlaw Shuffleboard, X-treme Badmittion, and
Ultra-Psycho Desperado Horseshoes.
35. The horrible realization that you're such a spaz that if you
played Dance Dance Revolution head-to-head with William Hung, you'd
lose. Bad.
36. With the endless success of cash-cow series like Final Fantasy,
Medal of Honor, and The Legend of Zelda, virtually every game out there
is either a sequel to a past game or an inferior imitation of a hit
game. These days, an actual new, original gaming experience is rarer
than a funny David Spade movie.
37. The army's cost-cutting use of video games to train soldiers,
which will really pay off when we finally invade the frozen wastelands
of Tallon IV.
38. Blowing on NES cartridges and holding down "RESET." We know it
was a long time ago, but man, that sucked.
39. Saving a whopping four bucks per game by buying pre-owned ones -
when you do the math, it's like getting 13 scratched-up disks of
dubious playability for the price of twelve!
40. Companies that make a big deal of hiring slumming D-list Hollywood
talent to record a few sound clips for their game, as if David
Arquette's involvement has ever made anything better.
41. Now that multi-player games are best played with online opponents,
video game recluses can finally stop bothering to make friends to play
with, thus freeing them of their last tether to normal human society.
42. Games that boast 50 hours of gameplay when 48 of them consist of
re-tracing your tracks through the same area you've been through nine
freakin' times.
43. Trying to decide which sucks more: movies based on video games or
video games based on movies.
44. Enter The Matrix: The only thing in the world that could actually
make the two Matrix sequels seem coherent and interesting.
45. The ESRB ratings, which are a big help for parents who can't
decide whether or not Killzone is suitable for their six-year-old.
46. Sims-addicted roommates who practice better personal hygiene online
then they do in real life.
47. Cheesy gaming articles in Time and Newsweek that are the
journalistic equivalent of your mom trying to dance to OutKast.
48. Disk 5 of the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas box set - we just
don't like it.
49. Realizing that a) there's not a women's beach volleyball player
in the world who looks like that and b) if there were, she wouldn't
sleep with a pasty-faced dork who plays electronic volleyball all day.
50. Games that, despite being based on "cool" characters, just
plain suck. You know, like, Spy Vs. Spy.
Ted
Robert P Holley wrote:
>
> Some are funny, some are lame, but it's worth checking out. :-)snip
Uh, when did Mad change from stupid wacky humor to unfunny observations?
Fred Liken
> off-limits for crass exploitation.
> 25. Mario's ridiculous Italian accent, which comes in just behind
> Grand Theft Auto: Vice City's infamous "Kill all the Haitians"
> message as the worst ethnic offense in gaming.
Mad's been shit for years, and this is why... Politically Correctness.
What a waste. No guts.
> 47. Cheesy gaming articles in Time and Newsweek that are the
> journalistic equivalent of your mom trying to dance to OutKast.
Ironic....
Fred Liken
> Robert P Holley wrote:
>>
>> Some are funny, some are lame, but it's worth checking out. :-)snip
>
> Uh, when did Mad change from stupid wacky humor to unfunny observations?
About the time Marvel bought them, I'd imagine. I saw one and it had color
ads in it and a bunch of whiny political nonsense. Even the little drawings
in the margins were uninteresting.
Not sure why anyone would buy that, even if they were 6.
Rob Usdin
them for many, many years.
It is actually pretty funny still, there are quite a lot of good
articles still. If you look back at Mad through the years you'll see
it's always has "whiny political nonsense". It's all in color now
which is nice.
For quite a while Mad fans were angry over its acceptance of ads - but
the ads are generally for the same things you find in comic books -
video games, soda, candy, and such. It's not as if they take ads for
most of the stuff they parody.
--*Rob
Doug Jacobs
I dunno, some of them were pretty funny I thought.
Ted
Funny in the least unbearable stuff on Attack of the Show kind of funny,
not what I associate with Mad Magazine funny (although I haven't read an
issue newer than probably 15 years old, barring an idle flip or two).
Fred Liken
> Marvel does not, and never has owned Mad.
My bad. I meant DC.
> Warner Brothers has owned
> them for many, many years.
> It is actually pretty funny still,
Eye of the beholder, and all. Can't argue that.
> there are quite a lot of good
> articles still. If you look back at Mad through the years you'll see
> it's always has "whiny political nonsense".
Not whiny.
> It's all in color now
> which is nice.
Price adjusted... well, over adjusted, despite the ads.
Fizzlestix
happy with, content-wise. but there's also a lot of junk, too. there's
tons of ads, including a full center spread of Burnout 4: Revenge.
There are bits about Burnout 4 in the magazine as well.
The writing leaves a bit to be desired in some areas, but overall, the
satirical stuff is still pretty sharp. But, artists like Al Jaffee,
Sergio Aragones, Mort Drucker, and Dave Berg are as consistent today as
they were twenty years ago. I still revere them as geniuses of their
genre.
If you examine MAD's content beside GQ, OXM, PC World, Game Informer,
or even Time, i think you'll find they all offer some interesting bits
and articles, tons of ads, and lots n' lots of filler junk.
In my opinion, i'm glad MAD is still around and I hope it keeps
"devolving" for another 20 years.
Hank the Rapper
> The writing leaves a bit to be desired in some areas, but overall, the
> satirical stuff is still pretty sharp. But, artists like Al Jaffee,
> Sergio Aragones, Mort Drucker, and Dave Berg are as consistent today
> as they were twenty years ago. I still revere them as geniuses of
> their genre.
Dave Berg died three years ago. They must be running his "classics". Though
I have to say Berg usually did the same joke over and over again. Jaffee and
Aragones were always great. I was an avid reader of Mad Magazine when I was
a teenager. Heavy doses of Mad along with "Weird Al" Yankovic made me the
twisted individual I am today. :)
Relic
issue I bought, I think the US was still in South Vietnam (give
or take a few years).
--
New version of an old favorite!
The Briefcase Fulla Rant!
http://briefrant.com
It'll grab you and won't let you go ^_^!
Ted
Fizzlestix wrote:
snip
But, artists like Al Jaffee,
> Sergio Aragones, Mort Drucker, and Dave Berg are as consistent today as
> they were twenty years ago.
snip
Uh, Dave Berg died more than 3 years ago:
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0903722.html
So consistency of his old stuff would liekly be due to the fact that it
IS old stuff. That might hold true for the not dead yet arists...
Joerg Jaeger
ones, but still funny.
Still, i am wondering how Aragonez manage it to paint still these fine
cartoons. Isn't he already over 70?
On 26 Aug 2005 17:06:26 -0700, "Fizzlestix" <fizzl...@metallica.com>
wrote:
Bye
Joerg
--
You are so stylish, you are so vain
Sometimes I think you have no brain
Chris Fowler
> 42. Games that boast 50 hours of gameplay when 48 of them consist of
> re-tracing your tracks through the same area you've been through nine
> freakin' times.
>
I'm thinking Metroid now. I tried the Metroid Prime on the GC and got
almost half through when I gave up. I got tired of having to retrace my
steps into areas over and over again trying to figure out what
I had not gotten and what I could get with my upgrades.
crymad
I'm living this now with an old Xbox title, Azurik. Epic
exploration on a grand scale is what this is. And I love it. Few
share this opinion, if you check out the reviews. In this game,
there is no map, no color-coded gateways, no arrow over your head,
and no hand-holding. Only those with patience and a very good
memory for landmarks can expect to get any fun out it.
--crymad
Fred Liken
>> 42. Games that boast 50 hours of gameplay when 48 of them consist of
>> re-tracing your tracks through the same area you've been through nine
>> freakin' times.
>
> I'm thinking Metroid now. I tried the Metroid Prime on the GC and got
> almost half through when I gave up. I got tired of having to retrace my
> steps into areas over and over again trying to figure out what
> I had not gotten and what I could get with my upgrades.
Yeah, most games now a days are made for the lowest common denominator with
the short attention spans, so there's little reason for you to stick with it
on games like Metroid.
Chris Fowler
> Yeah, most games now a days are made for the lowest common denominator with
> the short attention spans, so there's little reason for you to stick with it
> on games like Metroid.
I don't think that is right at all. I think that many times the main
purpose if for a filler. MP just got old after a while. Sometimes not
having a clue where to go is no fun.
Fred Liken
>> Yeah, most games now a days are made for the lowest common denominator
>> with >> the short attention spans, so there's little reason for you to
>> stick with it
>> on games like Metroid.
> I don't think that is right at all. I think that many times the main
> purpose if for a filler.
I'm not sure about that, unless you consider everything from start to
credits of a game filler.
> MP just got old after a while. Sometimes not
> having a clue where to go is no fun.
The game pretty much hand held you through it.
Miles Bader
>> MP just got old after a while. Sometimes not
>> having a clue where to go is no fun.
>
> The game pretty much hand held you through it.
Yup.
I personally _love_ the "lost and confused but boy it's cool" feeling of
metroid, but MP/MP2 try hard to keep you informed about the next goal
(sometimes to an annoying degree if you don't turn off the hint system).
Half the point of the metroid games is that the environment is just so
rich and engaging, and the basic control/movement so natural, that even
just wandering around is fun. You can get a bit bored seeing the same
room for the 400th time, but by the time that point is reached, you know
where everything is anyway, so you shouldn't be lost.
-miles
--
.Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
Fred Liken
>>> MP just got old after a while. Sometimes not
>>> having a clue where to go is no fun.
>>
>> The game pretty much hand held you through it.
>
> Yup.
>
> I personally _love_ the "lost and confused but boy it's cool" feeling of
> metroid, but MP/MP2 try hard to keep you informed about the next goal
> (sometimes to an annoying degree if you don't turn off the hint system).
>
> Half the point of the metroid games is that the environment is just so
> rich and engaging, and the basic control/movement so natural, that even
> just wandering around is fun. You can get a bit bored seeing the same
> room for the 400th time, but by the time that point is reached, you know
> where everything is anyway, so you shouldn't be lost.
Also, rarely did you need to go through a room that many times. Most of the
time there were short cuts around things.
KreLL
"Fred Liken" <noth...@toocoolforschool.com> wrote in message
news:43132c35$0$241$bb4e...@newscene.com...
pretty fast then I'm bored of it. I heard all these rave reviews for MP2 and
I thought it was one of the worst fps I've played in ages. Like theres not
even a free-look which isn't necesarily a bad thing, but is considering how
difficult the bosses are. Then again maybe I just been playing Counter
strike for to long.
Fred Liken
> I agree I have a very short attention span and if a game doesn't grip me
> pretty fast then I'm bored of it. I heard all these rave reviews for MP2
> and I thought it was one of the worst fps I've played in ages. Like theres
> not even a free-look which isn't necesarily a bad thing, but is
> considering how difficult the bosses are. Then again maybe I just been
> playing Counter strike for to long.
You had a free look. Just hold down the trigger button.
KreLL
Fred Liken
"KreLL" <w...@cares.com> wrote in message
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