[MiSTied] Gotta Damn 'Em All!
Sylvan SilverNight
Coincidence sometimes makes my life easier. Such was the case when
someone forwarded me the URL for this article condeming Pokemon as
Satanic and a bad influence. It DIBsed it for MiSTing treatment but
then let it sit on the back-burner while I worked on other projects.
Then, as if by chance (which it was), I tuned in to CNN and found the
author speaking to a surly crowd about how their children were
hell-bound. It was enough inspriation to get me back to the keyboard
and start typing. In any event, this little bit of Internet crud is
really quite inspriational and -just in time for the Millenium- I have
some email spam I got asking me to stuff a ballot box for Jesus! Have fun!
-David J Rust, December 21st, 1999
Categories: PARA, RANT, RR, AD, POKE
Era: Castle
Gotta Damn 'Em All!
(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
(.....1.....)
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(.....6.....)
(Scene: SOL Interior. A banner saying "Happy New Year" hangs in the
background over the Dog Bone door while -in the foreground- TOM stands
behind a lectern and is wearing a pair of glasses. CROW stands to one
side, watching.)
TOM: Ahem. It is therefore, with *extreme* pleasure, that I mark
today, December 27th in the year Zero, the official start of the New Millennium!
CROW: So, can I get the party hats now?
TOM: (sighing) Sure. Knock yourself out...
(CROW goes off stage-left.)
TOM: (shaking his head) No respect for momentous occasions.
(MIKE enters from where CROW just went off-camera.)
MIKE: Uh, Servo. What's Crow up to with those party hats and noise-makers?
TOM: (shaking his head) Crow? Oh, he's just ruining *another*
special moment by reducing it to a mere "party". The New Millennium.
MIKE: (nodding) Ahhh... I see. Well, maybe he'll be all pooped out
by the time it actually gets here and we can have a more dignified
celebration, eh?
TOM: "When it gets here"? Mike, *today* is the New Millennium. It
starts now!
MIKE: (looking curiously at TOM) Uh, you sure we got you Y2K
compliant yet, Tom? As far as I can tell, it's still December 27th.
We've got several days left.
TOM: (shaking his head) Well, under the *old* calender, maybe. But
why follow that archaic dating system when we can invent a more
personal, up-to-date system of marking events that is more applicable
to our modern day and age?
MIKE: (finally getting it) So, you changed the calendar.
TOM: Yep! Hey, it's all arbitrary anyway, Mike! Today is Day one,
Year Zero of the Servo calendar, recalling -in perpetuity- today's
momentous events.
MIKE: (chuckling) Ahhhh... Your "Boy Meets World" video collection
finally arrived, didn't it?
TOM: Yep! Those shipping clerks finally got it through their heads to
have NASA send up a shuttle to drop off my order and BANG-O, it arrived!
(MIKE mouths the word "shuttle" and looks stunned.)
MIKE: Uh, Servo... There was a space shuttle here and you didn't tell me?!
TOM: Well, gee Mike, I kinda figured that you'd want to sleep in on
New Years Day an' all... I didn't think you'd want to be disturbed!
MIKE: (stunned) But ... but...
(MIKE looks weary and nods as the commercial sign lights start flashing.)
MIKE: We'll be right back...
(CROW enters wearing a party hat with a noise-maker in his beak.)
CROW: (blowing the noise-maker) Happy New Year, every one!
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL. The guys are all wearing paper party hats. TOM has a
noise-maker in one of his hands.)
CROW: Y'know, Servo, I was thinking... Why doesn't *everyone* make up
their own calendar? I mean, couldn't every person on Earth have their
own, personal dating system to reflect the important moments of their lives?
TOM: Why sure, Crow! I think that's a splendid idea!
MIKE: (still sounding tired) So, uh, what date did you have in mind
for *your* Year Zero, Crow?
CROW: (reverently) Artie Johnson's birthday.
MIKE: The guy from "Laugh In"?
CROW: Yep! All those ads for the documentary "Man in the Moon" got me
thinking about under-appreciated comedians and I realized that -since
Artie Johnson came on the scene- being funny has never been the same!
MIKE: Well, it's hard to really argue with that...
(The mads lights start flashing.)
MIKE: Great, here we go guys... The last experiment of the
Millennium. (he looks at TOM) Or, the first, depending on how you
look at it... (he taps the lights) Happy Millennium, Pearl.
(Castle Forrester. A massive clock face is standing in the main room
with computers, switches and dials attached to it. PEARL is wearing
safety goggles and fiddling with the machinery. In the background,
OBSERVER is inspecting the back face of the clock.)
PEARL: (slipping the goggles up onto her forehead) Ahhh, Nelson.
Thank you! But it won't last for long... (she walks forward with a
cocky gait.) You see, I've gotten rather sick to death of all this
Millennial hype and so I've decided to put a stop to it once and for all...
(Cut back to the SOL.)
MIKE: You're going to turn off your TV and radios until 2001?
TOM: Oh! I know! You're going to invent your own calendar and make
today "Year One"!
CROW: Yeah!
(Cut back to the Castle.)
PEARL: (open-mouthed for a moment) Uh... No. (She steps back and
sweeps her arm, indicating the machinery.) Why deprive myself of
"Ally McBeal" or go to all the work of redefining time when I can
simply avoid it?
(Cut back to the SOL. Everyone looks shocked.)
All: Hunh?!!
(Castle.)
PEARL: (nodding happily) Yep! With my new time machine, powered by a
spare nuclear reactor I got at that Russian Yard Sale last month, I'll
simply propel the entire Earth -and everyone on it- back to the year
999 BC ... the longest time possible before another Millennium! Then,
with my technological superiority, it will be an easy matter for me to
take over the Earth!
(SOL.)
MIKE: But ... but ... but...
(Castle.)
PEARL: Oh, don't you worry your little, empty head about it, Nelson.
You're coming too! In fact, we'll be launching momentarily ... while
you're experiencing your experiment! (Shouting over her shoulder)
How we doin' there, Brain Guy?
OBSERVER: It should just be a few more moments, your Malevolence!
PEARL: (smiling wickedly.) Splendid! You see Mike, I've been finding
so many Chicken Littles out there worrying their heads off about
everything from Y2K to Pokemon, that I don't think I'll have to look
for experiment material for at least another thousand years! That's
where today's experiment comes in... It starts with an over-zealous
appeal to stuff a ballot box in the name of God and ends up with fears
about Japanese toys! With material like this, I'm *never* in danger
of running out of ideas! (She starts laughing maniacally)
(Suddenly, the lights go off and we hear a powering-down noise fade
into silence.)
PEARL: (lost in the darkness) Uh, Brain Guy?
OBSERVER: (sighing) Well, your machinery was Y2K compliant, but it
seems that Bobo neglected to run a check on your Nuclear Reactor. I'm
afraid it just crashed while I was calculating power usage needs for
the next week or so.
(Silence.)
PEARL: Fine. You fix the power supply and break out the Chex Mix. If
we're gonna be stuck in it, we might as well celebrate this over-hyped Millennium...
OBSERVER: Very good, ma'm. And what will you be doing?
(We hear a stumbling sound and PEARL cursing.)
PEARL: Oh, I'm gonna go and upgrade BOBO's programming and see if I
can't get him to crash on December 31st... Send 'em the experiment,
Brain Guy...
(We hear OBSERVER's concentration music.)
(SOL. Movie sign lights are flashing.)
MIKE: Whoa! We have Millennium siiiiign!!!
(.....6.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....1.....)
(Theater Interior. The brief spam-mail loads on the screen.)
> From votefo...@voteforjesus.freeservers.com Sat Jul 03 07:54:57 1999
TOM: Cool! I never thought we'd have a *choice* in who we get for the
Second Coming!
CROW: Yeah, I'm votin' for Goliath! He kicks butt...
> From: <VoteFo...@VoteForJesus.freeservers.com> | Block address
> Subject: Go Vote!
MIKE: M-TV and the "Savior-Formerly-Known-As-Prince-of-Peace" bring
you "Rock The Vote"!
> Date: Sat, 3 Jul 1999 03:57:06
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: (pointing at the gap in the writing) Hey, guys... It's the
sound of one hand clapping!
> Received this from a young man who loves the Lord, and forwarded it for
> your observation:
TOM: My observation? (switching to a bad German accent) Zis is vot
ve call -in ze psychiatric community- a luv for der "Unattainable
Ideal". How long has zis 'young man' had zeez feelings for ze All-mighty?
>
> VOTE FOR JESUS CHRIST:
>
CROW: Do you suppose the Christian Coalition is gonna be ticked when
they find out he's running with the Libertarians?
> Time Magazine is allowing us to vote for Time Magazine's Person of the
> Century, which will be in their December 1999 issue.
TOM: (moving as if checking his laptop) Hmmm... Looks like the
author decided to ignore Time's little rule about "Candidates who were
not alive during this century will not be counted."
>
> It has been proposed that we vote for Jesus Christ (the name above all
> other names).
MIKE: Well, it's only "the name above all other names" if you start
alphabetizing with "C".
> Each of us knows at least one person with e-mail. Pass
> this on to everyone you know.
TOM: (leaning over to MIKE) Pssst! Vote for Jesus ... pass it on!
MIKE: (leaning over to CROW) Pssst! Tote the Geeses ... pass it on!
CROW: (looking to his right and then speaking normally back to MIKE)
Eat a Resses Peanut Butter Cup?
(TOM sighs, shaking his head)
> Let's start a wave of votes for Jesus
> Christ and show our faithfulness to Him and to make a stand against the
> Enemy who would try to make the world think that Jesus is no longer
> relevant to today's society.
MIKE: Who? Microsoft?
CROW: Well, it's not that Microsoft thinks Jesus is irrelevant, Mike...
TOM: ...Yeah; it's just that Bill's almost got Savior 2000 running.
>
> To vote go to
> http://www.pathfinder.com/time/time100/toppersonmain.html
CROW: I'm gonna vote for Nicolai Tesla!
TOM: Yeah? Well, *I'm* gonna vote for Alan Turing!
MIKE: Turing and Tesla? Come on guys ... Ponds and Fleishman are
*clearly* the way to go...
(The bots both pause for a moment, staring at MIKE.)
MIKE: (spreading his hands, bemused) What?
TOM: (sighing) Whatever you say, Mike.
CROW: (dryly) Keep reaching for those stars, Nelson.
>
> When you get to the site you must write in the box Jesus Christ.
CROW: I suppose writing in "Bozo The Clown" *would* be counter-productive...
> Upper
> case J, Upper case C; all the rest lower case.
TOM: Gimme a "J"!
CROW: (shouting) J!
TOM: Gimme a "C"!
CROW: (shouting) C!
TOM: Gimme a "Penny's"!
MIKE/CROW: Hunh?
> Apparently the poll is
> case sensitive and writing it any other way does not allow your vote to
> be counted as Jesus Christ.
MIKE: It's almost as if the servants of the Dark One are influencing
cgi programming now.
CROW: (in a Church-Lady voice) Could it be ... *Satan*?
>
>
> Remember to PASS THIS ON and make a stand for Jesus.
TOM: Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Randall Flagg waits patiently...
>
> PS: From what I've heard the winner of the poll will have their
> picture on the front cover of the magazine in Dec 99, which should be a
> challenge for the graphics dept. at TIME!!!
MIKE: (shrugging) Oh, I dunno. I'm pretty sure they can photocopy
the Shroud of Turin.
>
> I have visited the site and it is genuine and gives you regular updates
> on the voting.
CROW: Not that taking Polls on a website is innacurrate or could be
artificially inflated by zealots, of course.
>
> I voted for Jesus Christ!!! Please join in and make a stand for
> JESUS!!!
>
MIKE: (shaking his head) Y'know, there's at least one bumper sticker
and three billboards in that sentence...
CROW: (in a soft, deep voice) Got Christ?
TOM: Sad, isn't it?
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(Theater Interior. The first rant loads on the screen.)
MIKE: Well guys, at least that first little bit of spam was rather
painless, eh?
TOM: Yeah; hardly up to Pearl's usual level of malicious evil.
CROW: Maybe she's trying to be nice to us... Should we get her a
fruit basket?
MIKE: (chuckling) Well, I think it's a bit early for *that* kind of
assessment, Crow...
>
> The Dangers of Role-Playing Games
>
TOM: What th'...?
CROW: Didn't we do one like this already?
> How POKEMON and Magic Cards
> Affect the Minds and Values of Children
ALL: (groaning) Oh no...
CROW: (shouting towards his right) You can forget about that fruit
basket, Pearl!
>
> by Berit Kjos <www.crossroad.to>
>
TOM: Say, isn't that a Bajoran name?
MIKE: We should be so lucky... I'm beginning to wonder if we'll be
praying for a Deep Space Nine fan-fic by the end of all this.
> For pictures of the Pokemon world, click here:
> http://www.pokemon.com/
CROW: Please! Quickly! Before you scroll any further!
>
> ----------------------------------------------
>
> "Who are the strange little creatures from Japan that have
> suddenly become global super-stars?
CROW: Priss and the Replicants?
TOM: Tokyo's baseball team?
MIKE: The cast of "Iron Chef"?
> Most kids know the answer
> well:
CROW: That's because they're *good* little consumers!
> They are called Pokemon (short for POCKEt MONster and
> pronounced Pokeymon), and they have stirred up some mixed
> reactions.
TOM: Yes, exactly what kind of wine *do* you serve with braised
Pikachu? Can you freeze Mankey meat for extended periods? And what
*do* you do with leftover Farfetch'd?
MIKE: Y'know, the Japanese really shouldn't throw Julia Child curve
balls like this...
>
> "We just sent a letter home today saying Pokemon cards are no
> longer allowed on campus," said Paula Williams, a second-grade
> teacher in Danville, California.
CROW: (in a snooty voice) Ooooohhhh! *Their* Elementary Schools have *campuses*!
> "The kids know they're supposed
> to be put away when they come in from recess, but they're often in
> the middle of a trade, so they don't come in on time.
MIKE: So rather than taking the cards away as punishment to teach the
kids about the importance of being on time, we'll just fall back on
our old friend "Mr. Censorship".
> In the more
> extreme cases, the older kids are getting little kids to trade
> away valuable cards . . . . It drives a teacher crazy."1
CROW: (in a falsetto as Paula Williams) Besides, *I* wanted little
Billy's Charizard!
>
> It concerns parents even more. "Recently, my children were given a
> set of Pokemon cards," said DiAnna Brannan, a Seattle mom.
TOM: Whoa; try saying *that* name three times fast...
CROW: DiAnna Brannan ... DriAnna Brannon ... Dranna Banana... Rats.
> "They
> are very popular with the children at our church and elsewhere.
MIKE: Pokemon cards in church?
CROW: Sure, Mike! (shouting dramatically) Mary Magdalene! I choose *you*!
TOM: King David! Use your sling-shot attack!
> I was instantly suspicious but couldn't discern the problem.
TOM: (gasping) She must have ... "The Sixth Sense"!
> We have
> since been told that they are stepping stones to the 'Magic cards'
> that have been popular for the last few years, which we do not
> allow."
TOM: So, to recap previous, similar rants; we've learned that Dungeons
and Dragons is a "gateway drug" for the occult, that Magic the
Gathering leads kids into AD&D and -now- that Pokemon is the
proverbial candy house that lures unsuspecting children into the
clutches of collectible card games...
MIKE: Those religious conspiracy supply-lines are getting mighty thin,
aren't they?
CROW: I feel like I'm watching a really twisted episode of "Connections"...
>
> She is right. For instance, any child exploring the most popular
> Pokemon websites 2 will be linked to a selection of occult games
> such as Sailor Moon, Star Wars, and others more overtly evil.
TOM: (shuddering) A "Sailor Moon" RPG? The ends time are upon us...
> A click on the ad for "Magic: the Gathering" brings Pokemon fans
> to a site offering promotions such as this:
CROW: "Sacrifice your parents for fun and power! Buy more cards and
learn to love your Dark Master for 50% Off retail price!"
>
> "A global games phenomenon, Magic: The Gathering is to
> the 1990s what Dungeons and Dragons was to the 1980s,
> but with the added dimension of collectibility.
MIKE: (as if writing it down) Length ... Breadth ... Depth ... Time
... and "Collectibility". Got it.
> Here is
> the official reference to the biggest new teen/young
> adult fantasy game of the decade, complete with
> full-color reproductions of every existing Magic card."
CROW: So in addition to referencing the biggest fantasy game of the
decade, they talk about Magic: The Gathering too? Cool! (after a
pause) Uh, so what *is* the biggest fantasy game of the decade?
MIKE: I think they *were* talking about Magic, Crow.
CROW: Ooooooohhhhh! Well, they should be more clear then.
TOM: And get a grammar checker for their word processor.
>
> THE POKEMON MESSAGE.
CROW: (in a stilted monotone) We are Pokemon ... of Borg.
TOM: (in the same monotone) Resistance is futile...
MIKE: (monotone) You will ... purchase ... us.
> The above websites gives us glimpse of the
> mysterious little creatures called Pokemon. Ponder the suggestions
> in this greeting:
TOM: (acquiescing) Ok, fair enough... (to MIKE) Mike? Can you
switch me over to 'ponder' mode, please?
MIKE: Uh, Yeah - sure... One sec.
(MIKE bends over and fiddles with TOM's head for a moment.)
MIKE: There. How's that?
TOM: (in a voice ala "The Brain") Perfect, Pinky. With these
Pokemon, we can take over the World!
CROW: Uh, Servo...?
TOM: Silence, Pinky! I must ponder...
>
> "Welcome to the world of Pokemon, a special place where
> people just like you train to become the number-one
> Pokemon Master in the World!"
TOM: (still in his "Brain" voice) YES!
CROW: Mike?
MIKE: One sec, Crow...
(MIKE reaches over and starts fiddling with TOM's head again)
TOM: (still in his "Brain" voice) Hey, wait! Stop it, man! What do
you think you're doing?!!
MIKE: Just hold still a second, Tom...
TOM: Tom who? I'm the Brain!
MIKE: (still fiddling) Of course you are... There!
(MIKE sits back up again and looks at TOM expectantly.)
MIKE: How's that, Tom?
TOM: (in a "Pinky" voice) Poit!
MIKE: (sighing) Great...
>
> "But what is a Pokemon, you ask. 'Pokemon are incredible
> creatures that share the world with humans,' says
> Professor Oak, the leading authority on these monster.
CROW: But for a competing view, you should really talk to his
arch-nemesis: the evil, Dr. Dutch-Elm-Disease...
TOM: (still in his "Pinky" voice) Narf!
MIKE: (sighing) Ok, one last time...
(MIKE leans over and fiddles briefly with TOM's head again before
sitting back up.)
MIKE: Well, that should do it...
TOM: (looking around, confused) Uh, what should do it, Mike?
CROW: (interrupting) Don't worry your transparent little head about
it, Servo... Just avoid cheese and food pellets for about a week.
> 'There are currently 150 documented species of Pokemon.
> . . . Each Pokemon has its own special fighting
> abilities. . . . Some grow, or evolve, into even more
> powerful creatures.. . . Carry your pokemon with you,
> and you're ready for anything! You've got the power in
> your hands, so use it!'" 3
CROW: Heaven forbid we encourage kids to think they can control their
own destinies!
TOM: Hmmm... Ok, I'm done pondering the suggestions in the
aforementioned section.
MIKE: ...And?
TOM: (in a cautiously, upbeat tone) Well, I feel a strong urge to
become a New Age, virtual-reality cock-fighter.
MIKE: (dryly) Go figure...
>
> What if children try to follow this advice? What if they carry
> their favorite monsters like magical charms or fetishes in their
> pockets, trusting them to bring power in times of need?
CROW: Well, odds are they'll *still* get beat-up and have their lunch
money stolen.
>
> Many do.
TOM: Take my word for it! Children are gullible simpletons who'll do
anything you tell them to do!
> It makes sense to those who watch the television show.
MIKE: In fact, allow me to elaborate in case *you* watch it and don't
reach the same conclusions that *I* did...
> In
> a recent episode, Ash, the boy hero, had just captured his fifth
> little Pokemon.
CROW: (as Ash from "Army of Darkness") Hail to the King, Baby...
MIKE: (in a kid's voice) Deadite Commander! I choose *You*!
> But that wasn't good enough, said his mentor. He
> must catch lots more if he wants to be a Pokemon master.
TOM: (in a serious tone) When you can snatch the Pokeball from my
hand, you will have learned...
> And the
> more he catches and trains, the more power he will have for future
> battles.
CROW: Psst! Kid! Wanna Pokemon? First one's free. Heh-heh...
>
> So Ash sets out again in search for more of the reclusive,
> power-filled, little Pokemon. His first step is to find the
> "psychic Pokemon" called Kadabra and snatch it from its
> telepathic, pink-eyed trainer, Sabrina.
TOM: Sabrina? Does this mean that Salem-the-Cat is a Pokemon?
CROW: A black-furred Meowth maybe?
MIKE: (chuckling) Wrong "Sabrina" guys...
> With the ghost Haunter on
> his side, it should be a cinch!
>
> But Ash had underestimated the power of his opponent.
MIKE: (as if reading a bedtime story) "...And it wasn't very long
before Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail were able overwhelm the unwary lad
and stuff him, head-first, into a Pokeball."
> When he and
> Sabrina meet for the battle, both hurl their chosen Pokemon into
> the air, but only Kadabra evolves into a super-monster with a
> magic flash.
CROW: (in a Gomer Pyle voice) Sha-Zam!
> Haunter hides. "Looks like your ghost Pokemon got
> spooked," taunts Sabrina.4
ALL: (dryly) Ha. Ha. Ha.
>
> Obviously, Ash didn't understand the supernatural powers he had
> confronted. Neither do most young Pokeman fans today.
TOM: (in a menacing voice) Beware the dark power of laminated cardstock!
> Unless they
> know God and His warnings, they cannot understand the forces that
> have captivated children around the world.
MIKE: What forces? Professional Soccer Teams?
CROW: Internet Chat Rooms?
TOM: McDonalds?
> And if parents
> underestimate the psychological strategies behind its seductive
> mass marketing ploys, they are likely to dismiss the Pokemon craze
> as harmless fun and innocent fantasy.
TOM: (in a shocked, housewife's voice) Ohmygod! Look! Those kids!
Chanting and running around in a circle like that; it's *evil*!
CROW: (slowly) But ... they're only playing "Ring Around The Rosey"...
MIKE: (authoritatively) Don't be so quick to dismiss it as harmless
fun, Crow. Next thing you know they'll be making elder signs out of
Play-Dough and calling up Cthulhu!
> In reality, the problem is
> far more complex.
>
> MARKETING A NEW LIFESTYLE
TOM: Pokemon have a lifestyle?
CROW: Does this make Berit a Pokephobe?
>
> The Pokemon mania supports a financial conglomerate that knows how
> to feed the frenzy.
MIKE: One part cartoon, one part mass-marketing and three parts chum.
> The television series is free, but it drives
> the multi-billion dollar business. It also inspires the obsessive
> new games that disrupt schools and families by giving the
> children--
CROW: Imagination!
TOM: Self-reliance!
MIKE: Common interests!
>
> * a seductive vision: to become Pokemon masters
CROW: Y'know, *I* had a seductive vision once, but it didn't have
anything to do with Pokemon...
TOM: (sarcastically) Thanks for sharing, Crow...
CROW: What?
> * a tempting promise: supernatural power
CROW: Yep, and as soon as they catch their first *real* Pokemon, I'm
sure that all that power will corrupt them completely!
> * a new objective: keep collecting Pokemon
TOM: Unlike, say, those wholesome WWF trading cards...
> * an urgent command: "gotta catch them all"
CROW: Isn't that also what most Pee-wee football coaches tell their kids?
>
> These enticements are drilled into young minds through clever ads,
TOM: (shuddering as if in pain) Errrrf... Batman singing the
"Jigglypuff" song...
> snappy slogans, and the "Pokeman rap" at the end of each TV
> episode:
>
> "I will travel across the land
> Searching far and wide
> Each Pokeman to understand
> The power that's inside.
> Gotta catch them all!"
CROW: Gee, that's a pretty lame rap, if you ask me.
MIKE: Actually Crow, I think those are the lyrics from the opening credits.
TOM: I'm still trying to figure out this "Each Pokemon to
understand..." bit. I mean it would make *some* sense if it said
"*For* each Pokemon to understand..."
>
> The last line, the Pokemon mantra, fuels the craving for more
> occult cards, games, toys, gadgets, and comic books. There's no
> end to the supply,
CROW: ...despite ink, paper and laminate all being perishable resources...
> for where the Pokemon world ends, there beckons
> an ever-growing empire of new, more thrilling, occult, and violent
> products.
MIKE: Y'know, for not having demonstrated a clear, occult connection
yet, Berit is making quite a leap here...
CROW: Yeah, all she's *really* managed to do is point out that
collectibles can be time-consuming and distracting.
MIKE: Hmmm... I always *thought* Aunt Margie's spoon collection was a
bit Satanic.
> Each can transport the child into a fantasy world that
> eventually seems far more normal and exciting than the real world.
TOM: Why, it's as inevitable as those *thousands* of children who used
to drop anvils on their little siblings after watching "Road Runner" cartoons!
> Here, evil looks good and good is dismissed as boring.
CROW: (slowly) Soooo ... eventually, evil gets dismissed as boring?
> Family,
> relationships, and responsibilities diminish in the wake of the
> social and media pressures to master the powers unleashed by the
> massive global entertainment industry.
CROW: (as Ash) Oh cool! What kind of Pokemon has those powers?
MIKE: The rarest of all... A Three-headed International Conglomerate!
TOM: I call dibs on Warner Brothers! Gotta catch 'em all!
>
> No wonder children caught up in the Pokemon craze beg for more
> games and gadgets. The Japanese makers count on it.
TOM: And this makes them different from other toy manufacturers how?
> Since the
> means often justify the economic ends in the entertainment
> industry,
CROW: (dryly) Well, *there's* a newsflash...
> the Pokemon website is full of tips, explanations, and
> ads that encourage the urge to splurge - and to express the darker
> side of human nature. Ponder their influence:
(TOM sputters for a moment, and bobs from side to side accompanied by
a sound effect of shorting wires.)
TOM: (in his "Brain" voice) Pinky! Fetch me P.T.Barnum's paper on
the influence of advertising on the darker side of human nature!
Quickly! (in a lower tone) I think I have a plan...
MIKE: (sighing) Not again...
>
> "You can catch a Mew by cheating with a Gameshark."
TOM: (still in his "Brain" voice) Yes! That's it, Pinky! If we can
re-program every Gameshark in the country, we can have a direct
in-road into the psyches of the youth of America!
(MIKE leans over and starts tinkering with TOM's head again.)
CROW: (sighing) Mike, is this going to happen every time Berit uses
the imperative "Ponder"?
MIKE: (still fiddling) I hope not...
>
> Ahhh. The Gameshark. . . Cheating is not honorable. But
> many of you have requested and sent me this information,
> so I have put it up for all you cheaters."
CROW: At least they're being up-front about their lack of ethics...
MIKE: (still fiddling with TOM's head) So there *is* honor among thieves?
>
> "The Moon Stone evolves certain Pokemon, such as
> Clefairy."
MIKE: Hold still, Tom...
TOM: (shouting) I keep telling you, I'm not this "Tom" person! I'm
... I'm ... (we hear a sound of electricity crackling) I'm ... Uh,
Mike? Why do you have your finger in my ear?
MIKE: (breathing a sigh of relief) No reason, Tom... Look, let's not
try to go into "ponder" mode anymore, Ok?
>
> "Select your desired attack. Hold down the button until
> your opponent's life stops draining."
CROW: Oooohhh! Vampirism made easy!
TOM: Who says technology doesn't improve the quality of life for everyone?
>
> "Once you have captured Zapados, you can use it to
> quickly lower the health level of Articuno. . . ."
>
> "Super Smash Brothers. . . . This unique fighting game
> features all of Nintendo's biggest stars in a bruising
> brawl-fest . . . ."
MIKE: Tonight, on Celebrity Death Match... In our featured bout, we
have Donkey Kong Junior versus his long-time rival, Luigi Mario!
CROW: (in a Mills Lane voice) Let's get it on!
>
> While children delight in these mysterious realms, concerned
> parents worry and wonder. What kinds of beliefs and values does
> the Pokemon world and its links teach?
MIKE: Just the standard Anime lessons of sexism, violence and growing
really big eyes...
CROW: Yeah, I keep forgetting that -beneath it's Americanized surface-
Pokemon *is* Anime.
TOM: Think we'll ever see an "Evangelion" cross-over?
MIKE: (shuddering) I hope not...
> Why the emphasis on
> evolution, supernatural power, and poisoning your opponent?
TOM: Hunh? There's an emphasis on *poisoning* your opponent? Did I
miss something?
CROW: Maybe it got left on the cutting room floor...
MIKE: Crow; this isn't a movie.
CROW: Oh, right...
>
> CHANGING BELIEFS and VALUES
TOM: A helpful guide to Iconoclasm and Heresy!
>
> Barbara Whitehorse started seeking answers after her son asked a
> typical question: "Mom,
MIKE: "...where do babies come from?"
TOM: "...why is the sky blue?"
CROW: "...who's cooler: Cyclops or Wolverine?"
> can I get Pokemon cards? A lot of my
> friends from church have them." Much as she wanted Matthew to have
> fun with his friends, she gave a loving refusal.
TOM: Mike? Why is it that humans in America continue to perceive or
manufacture artificial threats against their offspring -such as
trading cards or role playing games- despite overwhelming improvements
in medicine, international diplomacy and a generally high standard of living?
MIKE: (slowly) Uhhh... Well... (at a lack for an answer) Say Tom,
look at that next sentence! Neat, hunh? *sigh*
TOM: (distracted) What? Where?
> Matthew's tutor
> had already warned her that the Pokemon craze could stir interest
> in other kinds of occult role-playing games such as Dungeons and
> Dragons.
TOM: So even with a tutor, families *still* want teachers to raise
their kids for them... Typical.
MIKE: (looking over at TOM) Geez, Tom... What's with all the
controversy today?
CROW: Yeah? Don't you think this might not be the most appropriate
forum for you to push your agenda?
TOM: (exasperated) Appropriate, my hover-skirt! (turning to MIKE)
C'mon guys; we've been exposed to everything from giant spiders to a
misshapen manservant with 30-p.s.i. knees... And you're saying I
can't make poignant commentary now and then?
MIKE: Well, I suppose if you put it that way...
TOM: Besides, it isn't as if I'm bashing Matthew's mom directly; more
like pointing out how some parents -despite all their self-righteous
fury at supposedly not being allowed to raise their own kids- still
don't want to take responsibility for thinking for themselves, making
tough decisions or taking the time to *really* get involved in their
child's life!
(The guys all pause, letting TOM's words soak in.)
CROW: Servo?
TOM: Yeah?
CROW: You been getting enough fiber in your diet lately?
> At the time, she wondered if the tutor had just
> over-reacted to some harmless entertainment.
MIKE: See Tom? She's using her grey cells.
TOM: (grumbling) Well... My commentary still stands...
> After all, the cute
> little Pokemon creatures looked nothing like the dark demonic
> creatures of D&D.
TOM: (sighing) Ok, maybe she *isn't* abrogating her responsibilities...
MIKE: That's better. You see? Humans aren't all mindless drones...
> But when she learned that a local Christian
> school had banned them because of their link to the occult, she
> changed her mind.
CROW: Uh.... What was that about her thinking for herself, Mike?
MIKE: (putting his face in his hands) Oh, great.
TOM: (sputtering indignantly) See?!! See?!!
>
> Later, during a recent party for Matthew, Barbara heard two of the
> boys discussing their little pocket monsters.
CROW: She told them to stop doing that, or they might go blind.
> One said, "I'll just
> use my psychic powers." Already, the world of fantasy had colored
> his real world.
MIKE: The next day, she caught him bending spoons with his mind. Yuri
Geller is wanted for questioning.
> So when some of the kids wanted to watch the
> afternoon Pokemon cartoon on television, Barb again had to say
> "no." It's not easy to be parents these days.
TOM: (shouting) It's not *supposed* to be easy!
MIKE: (patting TOM on the shoulder) Calm down, Tom... Go to your
"special place".
TOM: (in a frustrated tone) Okay ... okay...
>
> Cecile DiNozzi would agree. Back in 1995, her son's elementary
> school had found a new, exciting way to teach math.
CROW: Tom Leher songs!
> The Pound
> Ridge Elementary school was using Magic: the Gathering, the
> role-playing game called which, like Dungeons and Dragons, has
> built a cult following among people of all ages across the
> country.
CROW: So, if something has a cult following, it's a probable doorway
to the Dark Arts?
TOM: Trekkies, beware!
>
> Mrs. DiNozzi refused to let her son participate in the "Magic
> club." But a classmate gave him one of the magic cards, which he
> showed his mother.
MIKE: Actually, it was a Kirby Pucket rookie card, but that was close
enough for his mother.
> It was called "Soul exchange" and pictured
> spirits rising from graves.
TOM: Ok, I tap my "Night on Bald Mountain" to block your "Lord of the Pit".
CROW: Yeah? Well, I play my "Thaw Disney" card and make your "Bald
Mountain" so much re-hydrated goo!
TOM: (frustrated) Darn it!
> Like all the other cards in this
> ghastly game, it offered a morbid instruction: "Sacrifice a white
> creature."
CROW: The ugly truth behind the baby Harp Seal trade...
>
> "What does 'summon' mean?" he asked his mother after school one
> day.
MIKE: Oh! I know that one! "To call to or request the presence of..."
>
> "Summon? Why do you ask?"
TOM: (suspiciously) Why would you want to know *that*?!! Did you
(switching to a dramatic, ominous voice) LOSE YOUR DICTIONARY?!!
>
> He told her that during recess on the playground the children
> would "summon" the forces on the cards they collect by raising
> sticks into the air and saying, "'Spirits enter me.'
CROW: They would then pull out some stolen beers and quickly scarf
them down...
> They call it
> 'being possessed.'" 5
TOM: We call it "Maize".
>
> Strange as it may sound to American ears, demonic possession is no
> longer confined to distant lands.
MIKE: Isn't international trade wonderful?
CROW: What's the import fee for a poltergeist nowadays, anyway?
> Today, government schools from
> coast to coast are teaching students the skills once reserved for
> the tribal witchdoctor or shaman in distant lands.
TOM: Must be that strange "New Math" I've heard about...
> Children
> everywhere are learning the pagan formulas for invoking "angelic"6
> or demonic spirits through multicultural education, popular books,
> movies, and television.
ALL: Hunh?!!
MIKE: Whoa!
TOM: Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Conspiracy theories, ahead! Danger!
CROW: Is it me or did this essay just lose its last shreds of credibility?
> It's not surprising that deadly explosions
> of untamed violence suddenly erupt from "normal" teens across our
> land.
TOM: (in an announcer's voice) And next up in the 1999 Philosophical
Olympic Games, Jumping to Conclusions!
>
> Occult role-playing games teach the same dangerous lessons. They
> also add a sense of personal power and authority through personal
> identification with godlike superheroes.
TOM: (as Berit) After all, *I* didn't need self-assurance and
personal reliance, and look where it got me! (sounding annoyed)
Sheesh! Mike, do something! This is *really* getting annoying!
CROW: Geez; chill-out, Tommy-boy...
MIKE: (in an aside to CROW) He must still have a few crossed wires.
> Though the demonic realm
> hasn't changed, today's technology, media, and multicultural
> climate makes it easier to access, and harder than ever to resist
> its appeal.
TOM: AAAARRRRGH! (a crackling electricity sound is heard as TOM
shudders) That's *it* Pinky! A fool-proof plan for World Domination...!
(MIKE sighs, picks up TOM and stands up to follow CROW out of the theater.)
MIKE: (as he walks off-camera with TOM) We'll finish this later.
C'mon, lets get you fixed.
TOM: (from off-camera) Fixed? I'm a mouse; not a dog!
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL Interior. A large mouse-cage is resting on the console in which
TOM is sitting while talking to CROW - who is on the outside of the
bars and wearing pink mouse ears.)
TOM: (still in his "Brain" voice) It's simplicity itself, Pinky...
CROW: (playing along) Poit!
TOM: All we have to do is convince the Western World's parents that
they aren't qualified to judge what their children should see or play
with! By setting ourselves up as child-raising experts, it will then
be a simple matter of supplying a subliminal message in our self-help
videos that adults will unwittingly give to their children in the form
of pseudo-religious salvation! The children will be programmed to
obey me and the world will be mine!
CROW: Uh, what about the parents who are atheists, Tom? Uh, "Brain"?
TOM: (suspiciously) You're awfully lucid today, Pinky. Did one of
the lab techs forget to give you your medication?
CROW: Uh ... "Narf"?
TOM: That's better.
(MIKE walks in then with a big tome on which is a silhouette of TOM
and the words "User Manual" on the cover.)
MIKE: Ok... This shouldn't be too tough. (Noticing CROW and the
cage.) Crow! Now, what did I tell you about taking advantage of
other people's crippling, mental defects?
CROW: (hanging his head) I'm sorry...
TOM: Ack! An ACME lab tech! Hide, Pinky!
MIKE: Right. Just hold still, "Brain". (MIKE leans in with a
screwdriver and starts fiddling with the side of TOM's head.)
TOM: (struggling) Let go of me! You are not worthy to touch the Brain!
MIKE: Actually, that's ... just what ... I've ... *got* to ...
touch... There!
(We hear the sound effect of crackling electricity and TOM does a
shuddering double-take.)
TOM: Hunh? Where am I?
CROW: Hey! How'd you do that?
MIKE: (smiling) Oh, I just purged his data drive of the recent malfunction.
TOM: (to MIKE) Who are you?
MIKE: Say what?
TOM: (turning to CROW) Are you my Mommy?
CROW: (shaking his head) Another triumph, Mike. Congratulations...
TOM: Greetings gentlemen. Dr. Robinson has taught me to sing a little
song for you. Would you like to hear it?
MIKE: (sighing and walking off-camera) I'll get his re-install disks...
(The commercial sign lights flash.)
TOM: (singing) Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true...
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(Theater Interior. The guys walk in as the Web-rant continues to scroll.)
>
> ROLE-PLAY AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ADDICTION
MIKE: (raising his hand) Uh, my name's Mike and I'm a ... a Dungeon-a-holic...
TOM/CROW: (in monotone) Hi, Mike.
>
> The televised Pokemon show brings suggestions and images that set
> the stage for the next steps of entanglement. It beckons the young
> spectator to enter the manipulative realm of role-play, where
> fantasy simulates reality, and the buyer becomes a slave to their
> programmer.
TOM: Sounds more like Microsoft's Internet Explorer to me...
>
> Remember, in the realm of popular role-playing games - whether
> it's Pokemon, Magic the Gathering, or other selections -- the
> child becomes the master.
CROW: (as Berit) Remember, children should *never* feel empowered!
Better to learn at a young age to go with the flow rather than to risk
upsetting others by committing the sin of exploring new ideas.
TOM: (in an aside) Now who's the cynic, Crow?
> As in contemporary witchcraft, he or she
> wields the power.
CROW: Berit's really missing her opportunity here.
MIKE: What do you mean, Crow?
CROW: Well, if wielding personal power is dangerous -as she seems to
think contemporary witchcraft is- she could tie all sorts of
self-reliant behavior to Witches! Philosophers, Writers, the
Teamster's Union...
TOM: Does that make Hoffa and Nader the anti-Christs?
> Their arm, mind, or power-symbol (the pokemon or
> other action figure) become the channel for the spiritual forces.
TOM: The answer to which, is separating your child from any
power-symbols, minds or arms they may have...
> Children from Christian homes may have learned to say, "Thy will
> be done," but in the role-playing world, this prayer is twisted
> into "My will be done!" God, parents, and pastors no longer fit
> into the picture fantasized by the child.
MIKE: And *every* child's fantasy life should involve their Pastor!
>
> Psychologists have warned that role-playing can cause the
> participant to actually experience, emotionally, the role being
> played. Again, "the child becomes the master." Or so it seems to
> the player.
TOM: In reality though, their parents, teachers and society maintain
their soul-crushing grip on the impressionable young scamps.
MIKE: (after a pause) Y'know guys, we're getting pretty dark here.
Can we try lightening it up a bit?
CROW: (cheerily) Sure thing, Mike!
TOM: I make no promises.
>
> Actually, the programmer who writes the rules is the master.
CROW: (chuckling) Berit's never really hung around with many gamers,
has she?
TOM: Gy-gax...! Gy-gax...! Must ... serve ... my Lord ... Gy-gax!
> And
> when the game includes occultism and violence, the child-hero is
> trained to use "his" or "her" spiritual power to kill, poison,
> evolve, and destroy -- over and over.
MIKE: (like Kevin Costner in "JFK") Back, and to the left... Back,
and to the left...
> Not only does this
> repetitive practice blur the line between reality and fantasy, it
> also sears the conscience and causes the player to devalue life.
TOM: In addition, it braises the free will, sautes the conscience and
deep-fat fries the id, ego and super-ego!
> The child learns to accept unthinkable behavior as "normal" .
CROW: They become a Dennis Rodman fan.
>
> To be a winner within this system, the committed player must know
> and follow the rules of the game. Obedience becomes a reflex,
> strengthened by instant rewards or positive reinforcement.
TOM: So... It's like raising a child but without the spankings?
> The
> rules and rewards force the child to develop new habits and
> patterned responses to certain stimuli.
MIKE: As hundreds of children are trained to salivate when the school
bell rings.
CROW: Doctor Pavlov? You're child's captured another Pikachu during
recess today. Now normally we discourage this kind of free-thought,
but given your background...
> Day after day, this
> powerful psychological process manipulates the child's thoughts,
> feelings, and actions, until his or her personality changes and,
> as many parents confirm, interest in ordinary family life begins
> to wither away.
TOM: A process also known as "Puberty".
>
> You may have recognized those preceding terms as those often used
> by behavioral psychologists.
MIKE: If you hang out with shrinks, that is...
> They point to a sophisticated system
> of operant conditioning or behavior modification. The child must
> exercise his own intelligent mind to learn the complex rules. But
> after learning the rules, the programmed stimuli produce
> conditioned responses in the player. These responses become
> increasingly automatic, a reflex action.
TOM: "Searching for Bobby Fischer" meets "Magic: the Gathering".
CROW: (in a whispered voice) Here we are at the World Cup Pokemon
finals. Young Ash Ketchum has pulled out his Pikachu as expected
and... Wait! Pikachu's refusing to fight! Awww... It looks like he
didn't use Energizer Batteries. Tough luck for the little tyke from
Pallate Town!
> Naturally, this can leads
> to psychological addiction, a craving for ever greater (and more
> expensive) thrills and darker forces.
ALL: (chanting) Pi-ka-Chu! Pi-ka-Chu! Pok-e-mon ... Uber ... Allis...
TOM: Oh, Dark Lord, we beseech you! Banish our adversaries'
Kagnaskhan's before they can get the upper hand!
CROW: Or at least consign them to the Nether Void for a few turns.
>
> WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
TOM: (in an announcer's voice) Hide your heads under your pillows and
stick big Bibles in your ears! Yes, for only $19.95, this sainted
miracle of a cure-all can be yours!
CROW: Guaranteed to stop seeing, listening and thinking for as long as
they remain firmly in place!
MIKE: Offer void in Utah.
>
> It's hard to teach restraint to children who are begging for
> gratification. Wanting to please rather than overreact, we flinch
> at the thought of being called censors once again.
MIKE: (quietly) Well, if the shoe fits...
> Parental
> authority simply doesn't fit the fast-spreading new views of
> social equality taught through the media and schools.
MIKE: (in a nasal voice) Ok Class; let's review today's lessons,
shall we? First, disobey your mother and father. Billy? Did you
swipe you grandfather's "Nerve Tonic" for your homework assignment?
CROW: (in a kids voice) Yes'm!
MIKE: (same voice) Splendid! That's another gold star on your report card!
> Yet, we must
> obey God. He has told us to train our children to choose His way
> (Proverbs 22:6), and we can't turn back now.
TOM: (in a James Earl Jones baritone) Berit! It's not too late...
If only you knew the *power* of the Dark Side!
>
> If you share my concerns, you may want to follow these
> suggestions. They will help you equip your child with the
> awareness needed to resist occult entertainment:
TOM: Prozac, Novacane and plenty of blind folds!
>
> 1. First, look at God's view of contemporary toys, games
> and cartoons. As a family, read Scriptures such as
> Ephesians 5:8-16, 6:10-18 (the armor of God);
> Philippians 4:8-9; and Colossians 2:9. Compare them with
> the values encouraged by Pokemon and other role-playing
> games.
TOM: Y'know, I haven't seen a Pokemon RPG on the market yet, but it
*would* be kinda fun...
CROW: Think we should come up with one?
TOM: Why not? Storyteller's a simple enough system to adapt!
CROW: Yeah! I could even build a Raichu with five dots in Electric Blast!
MIKE: (patting CROW on the shoulder) Well, if you do, just be sure to
send Berit a complimentary copy and thank her for the idea...
TOM/CROW: We will...!
>
> 2. Share your observations.
CROW: Such as this article is a one-trick pony?
MIKE: A one-note song?
TOM: A broken record?
> Spark awareness in a young
> child with comments such as, "That monster looks mean!"
> or "That creature reminds me of a dragon," along with
> "Did you know that in the Bible, serpents and dragons
> always represent Satan and evil?"
MIKE: Kinda makes you wonder where Berit stands on Anne McCaffrey.
>
> 3. To teach young children a Biblical attitude toward
> evil before they learn to delight in gross, ugly
> characters, make comments such as, "Who would want to
> play with that evil monster? I don't even like to look
> at him. Let's find something that makes us feel happy
> inside."
CROW: Like sugar!
>
> 4. Model wise decision-making. Tell your child why you
> wouldn't want to buy certain things for yourself.
TOM: Because no child *ever* wants to stray far from what their
parents think is "fun".
>
> When your child wants a questionable game or toy, ask questions
> that are prayerfully adapted to your child's age, such as:
MIKE: "What Would Judas Do?"
>
> 1. What does this game teach you (about power, about
> magic, about God, about yourself)? Discuss both obvious
> and subtle messages.
TOM: Ok, children... Let's discuss "A Man, A Plan, A Canal: Panama".
>
> 2. Does it have anything to do with supernatural power?
> If so, what is the source of that power? Does it oppose
> or agree with God's Word?
TOM: If the kid has an answer, have them contact their nearest
Seminary! Centuries of theological debate over what really *is*
"God's Word" could finally be solved by your child's insights!
>
> 3. What does it teach about violence or immorality and
> their consequences?
CROW: What does it teach about being an over-weaning, parental intent
to take over the world? Eh, Tom? (snickering)
TOM: Knock it off, Crow! I'm over that now!
CROW: Poit!
>
> 4. Does the game or toy have symbols or characteristics
> that link it to New Age or occult powers?
MIKE: Well, since triangles represent water and fire to practitioners
of magic and circles represent air, what does that leave us with?
CROW: Squares?
MIKE: (shaking his head) Uh-unh. Earth.
TOM: (sounding hopeful) Ovals?
MIKE: (still shaking his head) Nope, 'fraid not. Those represent the spirit.
CROW: Well, geez Mike! What shapes *can* we use that aren't linked to
the occult?
MIKE: (shrugging) I dunno...
TOM: So the entirety of Euclidian Geometry has a potential arcane significance?
MIKE: Guess so...
TOM: I *knew* Trigonometry was evil!
>
> 5. Does it build godly character?
CROW: Y'know, I built a god-character in AD&D once!
TOM/MIKE: (dryly) We know...
TOM: (in an aside to MIKE) Man, give a guy just one Vorpal sword and
suddenly he's King Arthur!
MIKE: (agreeing) Tell me about it...
CROW: Hey!
>
> In a nation consumed with self-indulgence, self-fulfillment, and
> self-empowerment, godly self-denial seems strangely out of place.
CROW: Would Satanic self-denial be more appropriate?
> But God commanded it, and Jesus demonstrated it. Dare we refuse to
> acknowledge it?
MIKE: (like the sheriff in "Blazing Saddles") Oh, dare! Dare!
> According to the age of your child, discuss Jesus'
> words in Matthew 16:24-26, then allow the Holy Spirit to direct
> your application.
CROW: Please allow 6-10 weeks for processing.
>
> Far more than earthly parents, God wants His children to be
> content and full of joy.
TOM: Gay, even!
> But He knows better than to give us all
> the things we want. Instead, He gave us His word as a standard for
> what brings genuine peace and happiness. The apostle Paul
> summarized it well:
CROW: (as the apostle Paul) Bite me, you Roman scum!
>
> "Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,
> whatever things are just, whatever things are pure,
> whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good
> report,
TOM: ...Whatever things just go on and on and on, seemingly without end...
> if there is any virtue and if there is anything
> praiseworthy - let your mind dwell on these things."
> (Philippians 4:7-8)
ALL: Amen.
>
> After hearing God's warning and praying for His wisdom,
> nine-year-old Alan Brannan decided to throw away all his Pokemon
> cards.
CROW: All to the benefit of the neighbor kid who then went through
Alan's trash for that Hitmochan he'd been wanting.
> "My friend did the same," said his mother. "Her twelve year
> old son had been having nightmares.
MIKE: A psychologist suggested it might have had something to do with
us forcing him to watch "The Exorcist", but that's such a *Godly* movie...
> But after a discussion with
> his parents about the game and its symbols, he was convicted to
> burn his cards and return his Gameboy game. That night slept well
> for the first time in a month."
TOM: (dryly) Fear. A powerful weapon for good.
>
> "It seemed to us that these cards had some sort of power,"
TOM: I ran my Norelco razor off one for nearly a week!
> continued DiAnna Brannan.
CROW: Danna Brannana ... DriAnna Brannon ... Banana Banana... Grrr
... I *still* can't do it!
> "Another nine-year-boy had stolen money
> from his mother's purse ($7.00) to buy more cards. When
> questioned, he confessed and said he had heard the devil urging
> him to do it.
MIKE: Y'know, when my nephew tried to use that excuse, we just made
him pay back the money and sit in the corner...
> The family quickly gathered in prayer, then saw
> God's answer. Both the boy and his little sister burned their
> cards, warned their friends, and discovered the joy and freedom
> that only comes from following their Shepherd.
CROW: Does that make Jesus a Pokemaster and the kids his Pokemon?
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
TOM: (in a nasal announcer's voice) Buy your new privacy fencing from Menards!
> Endnotes
CROW: Ahhh! The Endnotes are upon us!
TOM/CROW: Yaaaaahhhh!
>
> 1. Laura Evenson, "Seeing Red and Blue at Schools,"
MIKE: Color blindness testing: K-12.
> San Francisco
> Chronicle, April 20, 1999.
>
> 2. http://www.pokemon.com and
> http://www.wizards.com/Pokemon/Rules/Welcome.html (Apparently, the
> latter site has changed since I downloaded and printed the
> original pages. Now, if you click on the above URL, you will
> probably face a sign saying "The page you have requested can not
> be located."
CROW: (in his Church Lady voice again) Hmmmm... Could it be ... Satan?!!
> If so, just click on the Wizard banner in the upper
> left corner, and you will enter the site. Notice the links to
> "Magic: the Gathering" and "Dungeons and Dragons" on the right
> side. However, the Pokemon rules seems to have disappeared.)
TOM: (in a paranoid rant) It's almost as if they were planning for
this! Watching us... Monitoring us...
CROW: (freaked out) Game over, man! Game over!
>
> 3. http://www.wizards.com/Pokemon/Rules/Welcome.html (See note
> above)
MIKE: Of course the tendency for companies to re-design a website
every three months has nothing to do with this plot to obfuscate our
attempts to uncover the truth.
>
> 4. "Haunter versus Kadabra," aired on May 20, 1999.
CROW: And again on May 21st, 22nd and twice on the 23rd. Finally, the
Kids WB broke down and showed it in an all-day "Haunter versus
Kadabra" marathon the following three Saturdays.
>
> 5. Transcribed from a recorded interview with Cecile DiNozzi in
> Pound Ridge, New York.
TOM: Divine Inspiration was called in for Quality Assurance.
>
> 6. For practical understanding of the occult dangers behind
> counterfeit angelic spirits, read Chapter 8 in A Twist of Faith.
MIKE: It's right after the section on counterfeiting 10's and 20's
while speaking in tongues.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: (as MIKE picks him up) Thus endeth the Unholy Writ of Pokemon...
CROW/MIKE: Amen.
(The guys depart the theater.)
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL Interior. TOM and CROW are standing behind the main console with
a plastic Pokeball between them.)
TOM: Whatta ya think, Crow?
CROW: Wow... You built a *real* Pokeball!
TOM: Yep! I think we might have an infestation of Clefairy in Cargo
Hold Two. I *was* going to simply pump Freon gas in there to deal
with it, but I figured this would be more fun!
CROW: How does it work? (He pokes it with his beak.)
TOM: (alarmed) No! Crow! Don't!
(A bright flash fills the room. When the light clears, only the
Pokeball is left. It rocks three times back and forth before settling down.)
TOM: (off-camera; sounding muffled) Oh, good-one Crow. We're stuck.
CROW: (off-camera; sounding muffled) Well, how was I supposed to know
that the safety was off?
TOM: Now we'll have to get Mike to get us out.
CROW: Does that mean we'll have to do his bidding and be his combat-slaves?
TOM: (sighing) Yeah...
CROW: Great, Servo... That's just great.
(The two voices start calling out for MIKE for a few moments. The
mads lights start flashing as MIKE walks in, looks around and taps the
lights before continuing off-camera.)
TOM: Uh, Mike?
(Castle. The lights are back on and the huge clock face is counting
down slowly. PEARL is looking expectantly as OBSERVER and BOBO work
on the controls.)
PEARL: Brain Guy, I don't know how you did it, but you got my power
supply running again!
OBSERVER: (modestly) Oh, it was relatively simple ma'm... I simply
took those little electrical mice we were having a problem with, put
them in bell-jars and voila! (He holds up a mason jar. Inside, is a
stuffed Pikachu doll with wires leading into it.) I managed to find
enough of these to power New Jersey! All I did was have Bobo here set
them up in series and...
(The same powering-down sound is heard and everything goes black. A
moment of silence passes.)
PEARL: Ok, who gets to die *this* time?
BOBO: Y'know Brain Guy, I *did* say you should punch air holes in the
lids of those jars.
OBSERVER: Well, I...
PEARL: Ok guys. It's pretty clear to me that I'll find better help in
a mythical cartoon character than both of you put together!!! (We
hear a scuffle break out in the darkness) Put that Pikachu down and
take your punishment like a man, Whitey!
OBSERVER: But Pearl, I'm not a "man"; I have no body...!
PEARL: Yeah?
(We hear an impact and OBSERVER groan in pain.)
PEARL: Take *that* to the next Millennium, Casper...
(After a short pause we hear a distant chiming of a Grandfather Clock.)
BOBO: Happy Servo New Year, Lawgiver!
PEARL: (disgruntled) Give it a rest, Bobo.
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor
Bobo, TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom
Servo, Gypsy, Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and
other specific contents are copyright (c) 1999 (currently) of Best
Brains, Incorporated and is used without permission as an act of
parody. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment and
parody purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Berit Kjos, or www.crossroad.to
is intended or should be inferred.
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> Children
> everywhere are learning the pagan formulas for invoking "angelic"6
> or demonic spirits through multicultural education, popular books,
> movies, and television.