Humor from the Net
Bill McCray
Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory, and
both were laid off. So dey went to the Unemployment Office
together.
Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da
elastic onto da ladies' cotton panties.'
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified
as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in
unemployment compensation.
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'
The clerk looked up diesel fitter, and it was classified as
a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in
unemployment compensation.
When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back
into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was
collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor
and diesel fitters are skilled labor.'
'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da panties.
Olaf puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, DIESEL FITTER."'
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Reverse parts of the user name and ISP name for my e-address
Bill McCray
Passover for Blondes
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before the
gates of Heaven. St. Peter told them that before he could
let them into the kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter
was.
One blonde said: "Easter is a holiday on which we give
thanks and eat turkey."
"Wrong!" said St. Peter and banished her to hell.
The second blonde said: "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."
"Noooooo!" said St. Peter and banished her to hell as well.
The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was
celebrating the Seder with his disciples when he was
betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him and hung him
on the cross where he eventually died. Then they buried him
in a tomb behind a large boulder."
"Very good!" said St. Peter and was about to open the gates
for her when the blonde continued.
"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus
comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of
basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
Bill McCray
*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************
You are receiving this weekly humor column because you
subscribed to it or a kind soul forwarded it to you.
To subscribe, send a blank email to:
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THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:
(To see a photo, click on relevant links and leave comments,
go to http://Nshima.com, where this column was first
posted.)
"OLYMPICS TRIGGER PROTESTS, BOYCOTTS AND NAME-CALLING"
<a
href="http://www.nshima.com/2008/04/the-goons-and-t.html">
Web Column</a>
The 2008 Beijing Olympics have put the spotlight on China,
bringing attention to the conflict in Tibet and all the
human rights abuses. Protesters disrupted Olympic torch
relays in San Francisco and other western cities, many of
them holding signs with stern messages for China such as
"Free Tibet!", "Stop human rights abuses!", and "Give us
cheaper TVs now!"
Indian soccer star Bhaichung Bhutia declined to run with the
torch as "my way of standing by the people of Tibet," while
actor Aamir Khan vowed to run with the torch "not in support
of China", but "with a prayer in my heart for the people of
Tibet."
Inspired by Khan, long jumper Anju Bobby George announced
that she will protest China's human rights abuses by
participating in the Beijing Olympics. "I am participating
in the Olympics not in support of China," she said, "but
with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."
She pledged to lie on the ground before every jump,
extending her legs outward to form a 'T.' "It may look like
I'm stretching," she said. "But I'm showing my support for
Tibet."
Just a day before the torch relay in India, cricket star
Sachin Tendulkar pulled out of the event, saying that he had
a groin injury. It's believed that he suffered the injury
while running away from Tibetan activists.
Indian officials were so worried about protests that they
drastically shortened the route of the torch relay, asking
Khan to run with it from his bedroom to living room. He
handed the torch to tennis star Leander Paes, who took it
all the way to the kitchen. Other celebrities then did
mini-runs from one appliance to another.
The video was doctored for Chinese television to show Khan
and Paes running in front of the Taj Mahal, cheered on by
thousands of people, including Mahatma Gandhi.
Meanwhile, CNN's Jack Cafferty is in trouble with the
Chinese for calling them "goons and thugs," two of the worst
insults that the FCC allows on American TV.
Saying that America imported Chinese-made "junk with the
lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food," Cafferty
added: "They're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs
they've been for the last 50 years."
Chinese Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Jiang Yu demanded an
apology, saying, "We are shocked at and strongly condemn the
evil attack by the CNN anchor on the Chinese people. How
dare he call us goons and thugs? Not all of us are goons
and thugs."
Indeed, a New York Times investigation has found that only 1
percent of Chinese are goons and thugs -- and all of them
work for the government.
Cafferty's words have upset many of them, according to Jin
Yao, president of the National Association of Goons and
Thugs. "He say we same goons and thugs for last 50 years,"
Yao said. "Is not true. We better goons and thugs than
before. We take government course."
In other news, some folks in Britain are trying their best
to boycott everything from China. Harvey Wilson of London
has stopped buying toys from China, John Rowling of Oxford
has stopped buying electronics from China, and Linda Scott
of Birmingham has dumped her boyfriend, Chang Lee.
In Winnipeg, Canada, Gerald Smith, a retired bus driver who
spends most of his evenings at the local casino, said he's
getting rid of everything he owns that's made in China,
including all his appliances, furniture, clothes and teeth.
Asked if he's protesting a particular Chinese policy, Smith
nodded and pointed to the words on his T-shirt: "Free to
bet!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2008 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
<a href="http://MelvinDurai.com">MelvinDurai.com</a>
You can now read Melvin's column in blog format, leave
comments, and get an RSS-compatible feed for your newsreader
at <a href="http://www.Nshima.com">Nshima.com</a
BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS The above column may be reprinted in
other newsletters, blogs, discussion groups and joke lists,
as long as the website link and copyright information are
included.
Melvin Durai is a Winnipeg-based writer and humorist. Born
in India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America
since 1982. Through the Internet, his column is read by
thousands of people in more than 90 countries.
----------------------------------
TO SUBSCRIBE: Send a blank email to:
join-fun...@relay.netatlantic.com
or go to:
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Bill McCray
THE TRUE STORY BEHIND MAY 5
Not many people realize the Titanic was carrying thousands
of jars of mayonnaise. The ship was going to deliver the
mayonnaise to Mexico after stopping in New York.
Unfortunately, the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank. The
Mexicans were very disappointed by the loss of the
mayonnaise. In fact, Mexico declared a day of mourning. It
is observed on May 5: Sinko de Mayo.
Bill McCray
THERE IS A MORAL HERE!
A C-130 was lumbering along when an F-16 flashed by. The
cocky jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and
promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound
barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he
thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about five minutes and then the
C-130 pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of
that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs,
walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of
coffee and a cinnamon bun."
When you are young and foolish - speed and flash may seem a
good thing!
When you get older and smarter - comfort and dull is not
such a bad thing! We older folks understand this.
Bill McCray
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such
as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, and Pumpkin. The
couple had been married over 60 years and clearly, they were
still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names"
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,"
he said, "Her name slipped my mind about ten years ago and
I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
Bill McCray
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a
roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,
they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When
leaving, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table and
she didn't miss them until they had been driving about
twenty minutes. By then, to add to the irritation, they had
to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around to return to the restaurant to retrieve her
glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic
grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his
wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more
he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As
the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve
her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in
there, you might as well get my hat ... and the credit card!"
Bill McCray
GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY.
Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "Theirs"?
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra. [Why? Algebra was one of the interesting subjects in
school. Now, if it had said History ...]
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ...
AMEN
Bill McCray
From Kim Komando:
THIS IS A WHALE OF A STORY
A white whale and a herring were inseparable. For years,
they roamed the oceans together. Then, one day, the herring
showed up alone. The other fish were curious. One asked,
"Where is the whale?"
"How would I know?" replied the herring. "Am I my blubber's
kipper?"
Now, this reminds me of another.
If killer whales sing as other whales do, do they have an
orca-stra?
Copyright 2008 WestStar TalkRadio Network. All rights
reserved. Subscribe to Kim Komando's free e-mail
newsletters at: www.komando.com
Used with the permission of Kim's organization.
Bill McCray
A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl
leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed
her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside
to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage, and hit the
lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering
from the pain the lion jumped back letting go of the girl,
and the biker took her to her terrified parents, who thanked
him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter had seen the whole scene and,
addressing the biker, said, "Sir, this was the most gallant
and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I
just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper
will have this on the first page. What do you do for a
living and what political affiliation do you have"
"I am a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The journalist thanked him and left.
The following morning the biker bought The New York Times to
see if it indeed had news of his actions. One the front
page he found this headline:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS
LUNCH.
Bill McCray
*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************
You are receiving this weekly humor column because a kind
soul forwarded it to you.
To subscribe, send a blank email to:
join-fun...@relay.netatlantic.com
THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:
(To see a photo, click on relevant links and leave comments,
go to http://Nshima.com, where this column was first
posted.)
"A VACATION YOU'RE GUARANTEED TO ENJOY" <a
href="http://www.nshima.com/2008/04/dear-parents-pl.html">
Web Column</a>
Dear Parents,
Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy
and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids
are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me
tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my
watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and
calm ends.
I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We
spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I
was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon.
Thankfully, I had to go to work the next day. I was able to
recover. It occurred to me that I had just spent thousands
of dollars on a vacation that allowed me few moments of rest
and relaxation, moments that usually ended with someone
pounding on the door and saying, "Dad, come out of there! I
need to pee."
That's why I decided to form a new company called Vacation
Solution Inc. It's what all parents have been waiting for,
the solution to our vacation woes. Yes, now you can have a
restful vacation, up to seven days and seven nights in a
tropical paradise, with someone else's children. Let some
other parents take your problems. I mean, children.
Signing up for one of our relaxing vacations is easy. Just
go to our website and pick the children you want to vacation
with. You'd better hurry! The best children are going
fast. (Mine are still available. If you want to take them
for a week in December, I'm offering a free high-definition
TV.)
Even if you don't get the best children, don't worry.
Chances are, whichever children you get, they'll behave
better than your own. How do I know this? Well, it's a
scientifically proven fact that children behave up to 28
percent better when they're with adults they don't know.
People are always saying to me, "Your children are so
well-behaved. They're such angels!" And I say to them,
"How would you like a free high-def TV?"
Let's face it: It's hard to be strict with your own kids.
They know how to get their way, whether it's putting on a
sad face, saying "please" a hundred times or making so much
noise, you can't hear what Oprah is saying. But you can be
as strict as you want with someone else's children. They
don't know which buttons to push, and even if they did,
they'd be too afraid you might leave them in Acapulco.
We recommend that you be tough on them, as tough as a drill
sergeant on fresh-faced recruits. Don't think of them as
family members. Think of them as young people who have come
along to handle your luggage. They can do all sorts of jobs
for you: make your bed, wash your clothes, massage your
feet.
You might be concerned that someone's going to be really
tough on your children. Don't worry. It's only for a short
time. Here's the important thing: once they're back from
vacation, they'll think you're the greatest parents in the
world. Yes, they'll finally learn to appreciate you. They
might even kiss your feet.
You might also be concerned that someone else's children,
not yours, will appear in your vacation photos, that you
won't be able to show them to your friends and family.
Don't worry. We've thought of that too. That's why we're
offering all our customers a free trial of our professional
Photoshop service. Just send us your vacation pictures and
we'll make sure your children appear in them. For an extra
fee, we'll even put smiles on their faces.
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2008 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved. <a
href="http://MelvinDurai.com">MelvinDurai.com</a>
BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS
The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters,
blogs, discussion groups and joke lists, as long as the
website link and copyright information are included.
Melvin Durai is a Winnipeg-based writer and humorist. Born
in India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America
since 1982. Through the Internet, his column is read by
thousands of people in more than 90 countries.
----------------------------------
TO SUBSCRIBE: Send a blank email to:
join-fun...@relay.netatlantic.com or go to:
<a href="http://MelvinDurai.com/sub.html">
MelvinDurai.com</a>
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