Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Jackie
I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of
something that's funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince
myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then
let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late
for something.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really
excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had
had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't
need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the
doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into
this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a
doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a
doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at
home... under 'D'."
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take
something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it
before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I
go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you
have individually wrapped cashews?"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was
younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a
picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key
duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which
is good, because it had no ending.
I want to be a race car passenger... just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say
man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why do we gotta keep
going in circles?" "Can I put my feet out the window?" "Man, you really like
Tide..."
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for
having. Damn it Otto, you're an alcoholic. Damn it Otto, you have Lupis...
one of those two doesn't sound right.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and
said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if
there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you
are never blocking a fire exit.
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's
why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light
a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like,
"Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you
have to insert a pause."
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see
an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily
Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good
food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you
could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your
stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool,
he's with me."
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a
sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all
my clothes made out of blankets.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever.
Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala
bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on
fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf."
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had
grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up
the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the
apron on, "Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine."
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it
falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will
achieve its maximum flavor potential.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read
it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important
than others.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for
saying that.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a
regular banana later, so,... yeah."
I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll
never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this
away.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long
enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna,
turkey pastrami,... Some one needs to tell the turkey, "Man, just be
yourself."
I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad
place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How
are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real
quick?
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a
tan instead.
I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how
hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start
flossing. "You seem jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss."
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said
"Sorry, we're closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and you're a
drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not
gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3a.m. and you guys were
closed. Someone owes me an apology."
I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The
candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's and
some guy named "Reese" comes up to you and says "Let me have that." You
better give it to him. "I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I would ever run
into you."
I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "Please Try Again". They
were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened
the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitch,
don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit
on the bottom, hope on top."
When you go a restaurant on the weekends, and it's busy, so they start a
waiting list. They say "Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane,
party of two.", and if no one answers they'll say the name again, "Dufrane,
party of two". But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name.
"Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, no one
seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You
people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct
tape over their> r mouths, and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! We
need help! "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the
Dufranes."
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's
fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a
large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get
outta here."
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to
people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think
you're cocky. "Look what I got mother!@!@!, this thing is useful...I'm gonna
go pick something up."
"2-in-1" is a bullshit term, because "1" is not big enough to hold "2".
That's why "2" was created.
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't
call it by its negative name, which is "sponge-ruiner". Because I wanted to
clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over
tortilla chips...
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like,
"222-2222". I would say "sweet". People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a
hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will
know that you have pressed 2 enough."
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and
he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he
said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the
"animals" part. But the thing is, I cheered after the "human being" part
because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which
one's the real hero?
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for
me.
I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's
way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "FORE", but I was too busy
mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
Who Knew
saying that."
I'm reminded, by this, to catch up on some correspondence.
Zonker; maybe it's time to move back to the big city