SweeTARTS
snopes
Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various
companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
David Mikkelson
P.O. Box 9594
Canoga Park, CA 91309
11 May 1992
Sunline Brands
Sunmark Inc.
St. Louis, MO 63111
Dear Sunline:
As I am allergic to most products containing salicylic acid, I recently
stopped by my local pharmacy in search of some aspirin-free headache
medicine. Your brightly-colored box caught my eye at the checkout counter,
so I decided to give your product a try. Although the price of your product
was quite reasonable, and I suffered none of the nasty side effects I usually
endure when I take aspirin-containing products, I am sorry to have to report
that I found "SweeTARTS" to be totally ineffective as a pain reliever. Part
of this failure may stem from the fact that your box contains no dosage
information. I initially tried one tablet every 4 to 6 hours, and when that
dose proved ineffectual, I increased it to two tablets for each 4 to 6 hour
period. I reluctantly refrained from taking any more tablets after I had
ingested 8 of them in a 24-hour period, out of fear of a possible overdose,
even though my headache persisted unabated. Either I did not follow the
proper dosage, or the active ingredient in your tablets has little effect
on me. The label on the box does not specifically mention which ingredients
are the active ones, but as I have not found artificial flavoring and
coloring to be effective pain relievers in the past, I am assuming the
active ingredients are Dextrose and Maltodextrin. I would be most interested
in any information you could provide to document the effectiveness of these
chemicals in the temporary relief of headache pain.
Regards,
________________________
David Mikkelson
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunline Brands
June 26, 1992
Mr. David Mikkelson
P.O. Box 9594
Canoga Park, CA 91309
Dear Mr. Mikkelson:
Thank you for your recent letter about our product. SweeTARTS(R) is a candy
product and is not an aspirin-free pain reliever.
It can be consumed in amounts normal with any candy. Dextrose is a sugar
derived from corn. Maltodextrin is a corn syrup solid. Neither ingredient
has any headache pain relieving claim.
Enclosed is a coupon good for any of Sunline Brands' candy products. We are
proud of the taste and quality of our products; please enjoy the candy.
Sincerely,
Tim Skouby
Quality Control Manager
+--------------------------------+--------------------------------------------+
| | |
| David P. Mikkelson | Just when my ant farm started showing a |
| Digital Equipment Corporation | profit, an ant bank foreclosed on it. |
| Culver City, CA USA | |
| | |
+--------------------------------+--------------------------------------------+
Andrew Rogers
>
>Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various
>companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
>of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
[letter and response deleted]
If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
Novello and the lesser-known _Modest Proposals_ by Randy Cohen. Both are
collections of 'nut letters' to companies, government officials, assorted
dictators, etc., with the responses (if any). You might also like RE/Search's
"Pranks" book, in which one of the contributors - I think it was Jeffrey
Vallance - mentions buying a zillion of the ugliest ties imaginable and sending
them to various foreign leaders, requesting samples of original artwork from
members of Congress, etc., and the responses he received.
BTW, I hear that _Citizen Lazlo_ - a long-awaited followup to _The Lazlo
Letters_ - will be out soon.
Stand by our flag,
Andrew Rogers
Eddie Saxe
[stuff deleted]
>If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
>Novello and the lesser-known _Modest Proposals_ by Randy Cohen. Both are
>collections of 'nut letters' to companies, government officials, assorted
>dictators, etc., with the responses (if any). You might also like RE/Search's
>"Pranks" book, in which one of the contributors - I think it was Jeffrey
>Vallance - mentions buying a zillion of the ugliest ties imaginable and sending
>them to various foreign leaders, requesting samples of original artwork from
>members of Congress, etc., and the responses he received.
>BTW, I hear that _Citizen Lazlo_ - a long-awaited followup to _The Lazlo
>Letters_ - will be out soon.
It's out already. Just saw it in the bookstore yesterday.
ObDoctor'sUL: There was a woman somewhere who had just given birth to a
baby. The doctor came by to visit her, and asked her if she
had a name yet for the little girl. Yes, was the reply.
The name (spelled phonetically since it was spoken) was "Feh
mah lee". Interesting name, the doctor voiced. "How did you
come up with that name? "Oh, no, doctor, I didn't name her.
The hospital did." and showed the doctor the pink tag wrapped
around the baby's wrist: Fehmahlee, spelled F E M A L E.
Eddie "I gotta million of 'em. My mom's a doctor." Saxe
--
____/| Bill the Cat says "Vote Dave Barry | ed...@uncvx2.acs.unc.edu
\ o.O| for President!" Actually, he says,| ed...@uncvx1.oit.unc.edu
=(_)= "ACK! THPHTH!" but we're sure that| "I've changed my mind, Hobbes.
U he's a Dave Barry supporter. | People are scum."---Calvin
--
The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of
North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information
Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service.
internet: bbs.oit.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80
snopes
In article <1992Jul9.1...@osf.org>,
rog...@rosencrantz.osf.org (Andrew Rogers) writes...
>If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
>Novello and the lesser-known _Modest Proposals_ by Randy Cohen. Both are
>collections of 'nut letters' to companies, government officials, assorted
>dictators, etc., with the responses (if any).
My favorite book of this genre is "Outrageously Yours" by some Canadian nut
whose name I don't recall at the moment. I don't know if it's still in print,
but it's worth looking for.
- snopes
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| "The genetic testing [to verify Josef Mengele's death] might have happened |
| sooner, but [Mengele's son] refused to cooperate until a German prosecutor |
| threatened to dig up other deceased Mengeles for tissue samples." |
| -- Time 20 April 1992 |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| David P. Mikkelson Digital Equipment Corporation Culver City, CA USA |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Mike Carter
>Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various
>companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
>of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
I don't know about their pain relieving effects but I do know that they make
your whole face turn red if you grind them up and snort them up your nose. An
additional benefit is that if you do this in 9th grade Spanish class you will
get a trip to the dean's office, questioned about your drug abuse problem and
finally sent to the nurse's office because you have a stream of purple snot
coming out of your nose.
Ah, to be young again.
--
- Mike
car...@spot.Colorado.EDU
Charles Lasner
(or Churchill) over threw up after ingesting them.
cjl
Drew Lawson
[deleted]
Someone I know once mistook a candy for medicine. Unfortunately, the
candy also contained sample toy tattoos with little stars on them. He
is very ill now and would like to receive get-well cards.
Or barbequed lutefisk.
--
Drew Lawson If you're not part of the solution,
law...@acuson.com you're part of the precipitate
Clive Feather
>>Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various
>>companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
>>of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
>[letter and response deleted]
>If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
>Novello and the lesser-known _Modest Proposals_ by Randy Cohen. Both are
>collections of 'nut letters' to companies, government officials, assorted
>dictators, etc., with the responses (if any).
UK readers should look for _The_Henry_Root_Letters_, which also led to
the recent TV series _Henry_Root_in_Europe_.
--
Clive D.W. Feather | IXI Limited | If you lie to the compiler,
cl...@x.co.uk | 62-74 Burleigh St. | it will get its revenge.
Phone: +44 223 462 131 | Cambridge CB1 1OJ | - Henry Spencer
Fax: +44 223 462 132 | United Kingdom |
Anthony A. Datri
>companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
>of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
This is the first post in severals of months that made me laught out loud!
I can just imagine the look on the face of the person reading that.
Anthony "I always wondered why these pain relievers boasted about being
aspirin free" Datri
--
======================================================================8--<
Mark E. Mallett
>
>If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
Second the recommendation. Am anxiously awaiting the new one, which I
understand is now out somewhere.
(SweeTARTS letter was hilarious.)
-mm-
--
Mark E. Mallett MV Communications, Inc./ PO Box 4963/ Manchester NH/ 03108
Bus. Phone: 603 429 2223 Home: 603 424 8129 BIX: mmallett
Internet: m...@mv.MV.COM ( uucp: ...{decvax|harvard}!mv!mem )
Looking for news and mail in southern NH / northern MA? Try MV!
James Kibo Parry
>In article <1992Jul9.1...@osf.org> rog...@rosencrantz.osf.org (Andrew Rogers) writes:
>>In article <1992Jul8.1...@PA.dec.com> mikk...@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes) writes:
>>
>>If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
>>Novello ...
>
>Second the recommendation. Am anxiously awaiting the new one, which I
>understand is now out somewhere.
"Citizen Lazlo" has been out here a few weeks. I have it. Starts in
the seventies, but it has some later letters from less than a year ago!
Also in the same vein is Randy Cohen's "Modest Proposals", from about
ten years ago.
-- K.
Dr. Barnhart
>
> In article <1992Jul8.1...@PA.dec.com> mikk...@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes) writes:
> >
> >Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various
> >companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
> >of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
>
> [letter and response deleted]
>
> If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
> Novello and the lesser-known _Modest Proposals_ by Randy Cohen. Both are
Spy magazine did something similar a while back. The letters were
farfetched
complaints about the products as they were intended to be used, not
complaints
about the product being unsuitable for unintended uses. It was pretty
amusing
and usually resulted in highly apologetic letters from the manufacturers
with
generous free coupons for more of the product in question.
I imagine that working in the consumer response unit in any large consumer
products company would be a barrel of laughs.
sbar...@mailbox.mail.umn.edu / Shawn Barnhart / U of Mn Propoganda Mill
Andrew Rogers
>>In article <1992Jul8.1...@PA.dec.com> mikk...@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes) writes:
>>
>>If this sort of thing is your cup of tea, read _The Lazlo Letters_ by Don
>>Novello ...
>
>Second the recommendation. Am anxiously awaiting the new one, which I
>understand is now out somewhere.
Yup - I picked up a copy yesterday. The best thing about it is that at least
four of the responses - Ronald McDonald, the Reagan-Bush campaign, some
senator, and BMI - had obviously read _The Lazlo Letters_, and their responses
were at least as funny as LT/DN's letters...
Andrew
David Esan
>Anthony "I always wondered why these pain relievers boasted about being
> aspirin free" Datri
We think that you must know. Trying to hide your last name by dropping the
last 'L'. What was your mother's maiden name? Tyleno? Panado?
Try to slip something by afu!
--
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--> David Esan d...@moscom.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Lasner
>Novello and the lesser-known _Modest Proposals_ by Randy Cohen. Both are
>BTW, I hear that _Citizen Lazlo_ - a long-awaited followup to _The Lazlo
>Letters_ - will be out soon.
Don Novello, as Lazlo, was on David Letterman tonight.
cjl
Steven Bellovin
But did he talk about the Usenet discussion on this subject?