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Re: Letter to the Master of the House
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BK
Nov 11, 2012, 12:41:23 PM11/11/12
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On 11/10/2012 8:14 PM, JerryD(upstateNY) wrote:
> *Letter to the Master of the House
> To: Master of the House
> From: Dog
> Subject: Cat
>
> Master:
> The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when
> you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to
> face facts: It's time to get rid of the cat.
>
> Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and
> stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You
> would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave
> the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me
> food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the
> table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the
> cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you
> don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
>
> And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty
> pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right?
>
> Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that
> the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never
> consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable
> snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get
> eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the
> pets, isn't that what's important?
>
> Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog,
> descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and
> attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as
> they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel
> and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her,
> she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't
> she be de-clawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to
> the furniture and my nose.
>
> Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom
> in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a
> sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings
> her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a
> toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my
> reach for some reason. I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an
> evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
>
> _______________ 9: _______________
> To: Master of the house
> From: Hamster
> Subject: Cat
>
> Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
>
> Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels
>
> _______________ 9: _______________
> I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes
> that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show.
>
> I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I
> am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds
> unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever
> get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never
> catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from
> rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time!
>
> And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come
> right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything
> about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot
> of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought
> the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it
> to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we
> should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
>
> Yours truly,
>
> The Dog*
>
>
> --
> JerryD(upstateNY)
I am stealing that. I love it!
> *Letter to the Master of the House
> To: Master of the House
> From: Dog
> Subject: Cat
>
> Master:
> The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when
> you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to
> face facts: It's time to get rid of the cat.
>
> Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and
> stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You
> would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave
> the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me
> food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the
> table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the
> cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you
> don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
>
> And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty
> pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right?
>
> Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that
> the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never
> consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable
> snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get
> eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the
> pets, isn't that what's important?
>
> Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog,
> descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and
> attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as
> they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel
> and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her,
> she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't
> she be de-clawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to
> the furniture and my nose.
>
> Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom
> in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a
> sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings
> her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a
> toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my
> reach for some reason. I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an
> evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
>
> _______________ 9: _______________
> To: Master of the house
> From: Hamster
> Subject: Cat
>
> Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
>
> Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels
>
> _______________ 9: _______________
> I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes
> that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show.
>
> I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I
> am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds
> unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever
> get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never
> catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from
> rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time!
>
> And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come
> right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything
> about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot
> of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought
> the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it
> to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we
> should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
>
> Yours truly,
>
> The Dog*
>
>
> --
> JerryD(upstateNY)
I am stealing that. I love it!
JerryD(upstateNY)
Nov 11, 2012, 2:19:42 PM11/11/12
to
"BK" wrote in message I am stealing that. I love it!
Be my guest.
I stole it. <g>
--
JerryD(upstateNY)
news:k7oo04$k9g$1...@dont-email.me...
Be my guest.
I stole it. <g>
--
JerryD(upstateNY)
news:k7oo04$k9g$1...@dont-email.me...
david
Nov 11, 2012, 5:35:26 PM11/11/12
to
On 11 Nov 2012 david read the alt.fiftyplus post of BK, which stated...
>
> I am stealing that. I love it!
>
I think our Shadow could have written such a note... yes, it's a great
post.
--
_____
david
>
> I am stealing that. I love it!
>
post.
--
_____
david
**Dalin**
Nov 11, 2012, 5:49:38 PM11/11/12
to
having owned cats all my life before Shadow. Boy wouldshe loveto get
on the table!
Dalin
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